Right away I know you could cut 25,000 words from the novel because you can cut a lot from your first two lines of the query letter. I'm not averse to long ass novels, but they still have to be taut and muscular writing. This is not taut writing.
The novel opens when a badly injured young girl in a hospital is brought back from death by an unlikely savior: the tiny alien headliner of a circus side-show. Elsewhere, a wounded solider is trapped on ship and stalked by an unseen danger that has already decimated the crew. Unable to remember anything except the phrase "Lex Talionis", the young woman calls herself Lex. With the help of her doctor, Colin Mayfeld, and his friend, the mysterious empath Dr. Anton Slake, she begins the search for her identity. Where her story intersects with the wounded soldier's lies the answers to her past, present and future.
This is all set up. What's the conflict? What are the stakes?
I have been writing novels since I was ten years old, when I finished my first full-length novel. My short story, 'Douen Mother' was a quarter finalist for the Writers of the Future Contest (second quarter, 2004), and was published in 'Abyss and Apex' in January of 2006. I'm currently a long-standing member of the Online Writers Workshop, which counts among its former contributors writers such as Nalo Hopkinson, Elizabeth Bear and Celia Dart-Thornton. At present, I work as a Marketing Support Analyst in the pharmaceutical industry, but I hope to develop my skills as a writer to the point where I can take it up as a career at a future date.
With all due respect, don't ever include that you've been writing novels since you were ten. That's not a publishing credit. This paragraph is for things that you've published. If you haven't that's ok, but do NOT try to pad it with writing groups you belong to or your life long love of writing. It screams amateur.
I respectfully ask if you would be willing to consider having me e-mail my package, should you be interested in seeing more of my manuscript.
Again, you're over writing. At this point, I'm thinking 30,000 words can be cut from this and you'll still have the story intact.
I hope that this proposal meets with your approval. Until then, I remain,
This isn't a proposal, this is a query letter. Don't confuse the two.
All you need to say at the close of your letter is: Thank you for your time and consideration. I know you want me to read the thing. That's pretty much a given.