A brief interlude

Dear Sweetums,

Joplin Rock is an altruistic literary agent who thinks that everyone deserves a shot at the big time. To facilitate this goal, she sets up a blog where she critiques queries and offers valuable advice to wanna be writers.

Her site is a huge success. Fifteen novelists find agents thanks to Joplin’s advice. Not everyone is happy; however, as Joplin receives multiple submissions from a novelist who goes by the name of NOVELTY MAN.

Joplin, after dozens of pathetic queries from NOVELTY MAN, finally sends him a “Dear John” email and asks him not to contact her anymore. She also blocks his email address.

After a few months nanoseconds, Joplin forgets all about NOVELTY MAN. until Then a strange query shows up in her inbox. The query is from NOVELTY MAN 212, and it contains information from Joplin’s personal life that people on the outside would never know about. Such : her dog’s name is Spartacus, her favorite coffee is Irish Butter Pecan, and that she sits at home every night and watches reruns of The Merv Griffin Show on channel 16.

She calls the police, but they are of no assistance. After further emails; she becomes increasingly paranoid, and begins to carry mace.

One night while working late at her office, Joplin passes by the door of her junior agent Tony Manvel. In an epiphany; the puzzle falls into place- NOVELTY MAN is an anagram of Tony Manvel (and his office suite is 212).

Joplin turns to run, but Tony is standing right in front of her. Joplin reacts by sprayingsprays him with mace; and while he is bent over holding his face in his hands, she picks up a hole-puncher and plays “pepper” with Tony’s head. She thinks about killing him, but that is not the type of person that she is. Instead, she calls 911.

As the police are taking Tony away, he asks “What was so wrong with my queries?”

Joplin responds, “They were horrible, and now I completely understand why. Those that can’t write, teach about writing. Those that can neither write nor teach about it, become agents.”

My uncompleted 70,000 word novel- QUERY SHARK: ALL CHUM WELCOME, currently resides on the third shelf, of the third floor, of the third castle that I’ve built in the sky.


There is a fundamental failure of logic here: You've got the agent working late at the office. Everyone knows agents can be found only in the local waterfront bar after 5pm.