Mikayla Trelane's nearly perfect life implodes when she learns her dead father isn’t, and worse, she apparently has an eight-year-old half-sister in peril. Mik is reluctant to become embroiled in her father’s petty criminal activities and even more reluctant to take on a young child she’s never met. Mik’s best friend, business partner, and only true family for the last ten years, Abby Willis, joins her on a rescue mission to El Salvador. Murder, theft, kidnapping, romance and a gun fight bring her to a horrible choice. Can she protect the only two people she counts as family, or will she have to choose only one of them to save?
"nearly perfect" is one of those phrases that makes me think caricature. Almost no one I know, particularly not twenty-somethings describe their life as "nearly perfect". Happy maybe, not bad, sure; but I can't think of anyone who says "nearly perfect" when you ask them how they're doing.
The reason I leap on this is that it's imprecise writing. I'm looking for precise "nearly perfect" (ha!) word choices.
I don't understand the connection between El Salvador and her not-dead father. I don't get why her 8year old sister needs to be rescued (there's a mom who should be on the scene not to mention other family in El Salvador)
There's no mention of an antagonist, and there's no plot.
What you have here is a list of things that happen and that's not a plot.
I am a member of Rose City Romance Writers and RWA. Upon request, I would be happy to provide a short synopsis, chapters, or the the full manuscript, as well as a rough outline for the next Mik Trelane book. Thank you for your time and I look forward to hearing from you soon.
If you read other entries here in the Shark tank you'll see I loathe "look forward to hearing from you soon" but that's just me, and it's not going to stop me from reading pages.
What will stop me from asking though is that I don't really have a sense of what the book is about and why I should care about the characters.
#47 - revision:
We met at the Writer’s Digest Writer’s Conference/BEA Convention on May 28th in Los Angeles.
well, she's not returning to her dark past, she's going to Central America, a place she's not been before right?
Mik's father won't sign-off on adoption papers for Nola unless Mik does a little "favor" for him.
And the reason Mik doesn't say adios papa and leave on the next plane is?
Mik tries to find a way around criminal activity, but still manages to cross paths with the local crime boss, igniting an imprudent passion. While Mik struggles with her reckless attraction for a man far more dangerous than her own parent, she must find an ancient artifact known as the "twisted sisters." This is a jade statue her father wants her to "collect" for him and then he promises to sign off on the adoption papers and hand over Nola.
When Nola is kidnapped by local thugs, Mik must trade the statue to save her. The showdown arrives in an empty warehouse with Abby held at one side and Nola at the other, both with knives to their throats. Mik must make an agonizing choice between them and though she saves Nola, Abby is injured. Mik finally takes Nola home to Portland Oregon, but Abby, traumatized by the violence and near death experience leaves with her boyfriend for Boston.
You don't need a complete rundown of the plot, just the stakes for Mik if she does what her father wants, or doesn't. Also this all seems amazingly improbable. Come get the sister you never knew you had, and oh by the way if you really want her you have to steal something for me? That defies logic to me but then I'm a cold cruel beast.
I am a member of Rose City Romance Writers and RWA.
You don't need a menu of items available. I'm pretty sure if I called you up and asked for any of those you'd cough them up. Use those precious few words for the important stuff.
#47 revision #2
We met at the Writer's Digest Writer's Conference/BEA Convention on May 28th in Los Angeles.
Mikayla Trelane receives a mysterious package that contains a disturbing video of the criminal father she was certain had died ten years ago. Not only is he still alive, but he wants Mik to fly down to El Salvador and take her half-sister, Nola, off his hands. Mik didn't know Nola even existed and despite a deeply ingrained distrust of her father, her conscience leads her to investigate.
Accompanied by her best friend, Abby, Mik returns to her childhood home in El Salvador and everything starts to slip out of control. Nola is only 8 and Mik immediately bonds with the girl. Their father won't sign-off on adoption papers, however, unless Mik does a little "favor" for him. Unfortunately getting her sister is not as easy as she hoped and she finds herself in a dangerous situation. When Nola is kidnapped by local thugs, Mik must find an ancient artifact known as the "Twisted Sisters." Mik must trade the statue to save Nola, but then Abby is also held hostage and Mik must make an agonizing choice between saving her new found sister or her best friend.
I am a member of Rose City Romance Writers and RWA. Thank you for your time and consideration.