Sunday, July 6, 2008

#49--Revision

Dear Query Shark:


Meet Frannie Freeman, a training specialist with a penchant for embarrassing, public mishaps and no filter between brain and mouth.

Frannie navigates the hazards of life-inside-the-cubicle, doing the impossible for the ungrateful with humor and sarcasm∑and tequila. In love with her boss Sam, who married the vile Malia˜aka „Malaria‰˜after indulging in too many martinis at a company Christmas party in Las Vegas, she picks herself up, dusts herself off, and buries her broken heart beneath a fa├žade of dry wit.

This is all description. It's not bad, but let's get to the good stuff.

When Sam suddenly expresses his interest in her and confesses that he thinks he was roofied the night he married Malaria, Frannie can‚t believe her luck. And you know what „they‰ say: if it sounds too good to be true, it probably is.

Pare down the first three paragraphs into one.


A quick little divorce seems the ticket until Garland Harper, CEO of the company, charges into the situation, laying down ultimatums and offering solutions with no options: divorce between Sam and Malaria is a grand illusion, and if Sam presses forward with his plans, Frannie will be accused of sabotaging the new speculation software and Harper will see to it that the only bars she‚ll see for many years won‚t be offering tequila.

What? What? Don't describe your plot in metaphors! What the hell is speculation software? I thought she was a training specialist? Be really really clear about what happens and what the stakes are.

Between the political pitfalls of a large company, flaming pantyhose, and Post-It Brain Blizzards, Frannie makes a desperate gamble to win her man and keep out of jail to enjoy him. And if along the way she learns about making mistakes, extending forgiveness, and risking everything to do what‚s right˜just call it a healthy dose of quinine..



Office Politics is humorous women‚s fiction complete at 71,000 words. Thank you for considering my work.

Sincerely,


I don't know what this book is about. It's clear you've got good energy though; I'd probably read the first three pages and hope you've got some action early on.


----------------------------------------

Dear Query Shark,

Meet Frannie Freeman, a software training specialist for Harper & Lyttle, Inc., with a penchant for embarrassing, public mishaps and no filter between brain and mouth. In love with her boss Sam, who is married to the vile Malia (aka Malaria), Frannie navigates the hazards of life-inside-the-cubicle, doing the impossible for the ungrateful with humor and sarcasm…and tequila. When Sam suddenly confesses his interest in her and that he believes he was roofied the night he married Malia, Frannie can’t believe her luck. And you know what they say: If it sounds too good to be true, it probably is.

A quick little divorce seems the ticket. But Malia doesn’t want a divorce, and she’ll do anything to stop Sam from filing—even blackmail her own father, the Harper of Harper & Lyttle. Desperate to save his own hide, Harper charges into the situation and lays down an ultimatum. If Sam files anyway or if he and Frannie leave the company to escape the ultimatum, Frannie will be accused of sabotaging important, expensive software and Harper will see to it that the only bars she’ll see for many years won’t be offering tequila.

Frannie makes a desperate gamble to win her man and stay out of jail to enjoy him. And if along the way she learns about extending forgiveness and risking everything to do what’s right, just call it a healthy dose of quinine.

Office Politics is humorous women’s fiction complete at 71,000 words. Thank you for considering my work.

Sincerely,

Much much better.

7 comments:

Southern Writer said...

Why does the CEO care if Sam divorces? What does he have against Frannie?

Debra Moore said...

I do love that "doing the impossible for the ungrateful" though. Sounds like my day job...

Just_Me said...

This sounds like it could be funny, or it could also be the summer flop at the box-office.... if I were an agent I'd at least want to look at the first few pages because you've got a great voice.

P.S. When you e-mail do a double-check for those funky symbols.

Lehcarjt said...

I'm on the fence on this one. I too loved the voice, but I'm not so sure I liked the characters. Sam doesn't come off as all that appealing.

Besides, why don't they just quit their jobs and do as they please?

Jinx said...

Well, I'm rather biased on this one because I've read the entire thing... and it is hilarious! The genre isn't my first choice for reading, but I love this book. Women can relate to it, even me, and I've never worked in an office like this one.

We'll work on that funky symbol thingy. =)

beth said...

I'm with Southern Writer--I don't get WHY the problem is happening.

Brigid said...

I want to read this.