Dear Query Shark:
My story is approximately 200,00 words. It is the first in a series. It is the story of three international detectives. One is from Rome, Italy, and the other two are from London, England. It is in the style of James Bond but a little tongue-in-cheek humor. I have traveled to Rome, Italy, Costa Rica, and I now live in Tarpon Springs, Florida. ---
This is like the start of a legal brief. You tell me where people are from, how long the book is and that you've travelled. You're missing the most important element of a query letter: why should I care? I don't mean that harshly, but the purpose of a query letter is to interest me in the story. You have to tell me the interesting parts. These aren't.
The story starts in Tarpon Springs, Florida where the three agents, 008, Max, and Rosa are hired to find the people responsible for selling real estate that is acquired from owners who are never found, just disappear.
I think there are three failures of logic here. Rather than list them, how about we let the commenters have a go?
In the next chapter we travel to Philadelphia, PA, where they are trying to find out who robbed the Philadelphia Mint. They come across four assailants who they think are responsible for the theft because they have been following them. They are from Shanghai and Russia.
This is where I think you're sending this in to the Query Shark to be funny. There's no connection between the paragraphs or the events. You use "they" to mean three different sets of people. I'd need a road map to be confused. Right now I'm hitting "auto rejection"
I am originally from Philadelphia, PA, and my wife and I now live in Florida. I like to write and to travel.
Hope this will whet your appetite to read more of the story.
This is not an effective query letter. It does not entice me to read further.