Thursday, August 28, 2008

And now, a pause for jocularity

Dear My Dream Publisher Of Good Humor,

Three students of the College of Witching and Whizzing in Ireland are finding out that life isn’t all it is cracked up to be when Lord Saddam-a-mort decides to go on a rampage with all the artillery he could muster up. When their college professor fights Lord Saddam-a-mort, and almost kills him with the Crystal of Darkness, Lord Saddam-a-mort yells out a truth that shatters the heart of Larry, one of the three students that wears thin glasses and always seems to figure out magic without much help from his education at the College. He yells out, “Larrrry, I am your Grandfather.”

Trusting the evil Lord in his hour of doom, Larry decides to go on a quest to look for his father, because he deduced that if he had a grandfather, that must mean that he had a father at some point in history. His faithful, red-headed girl friend, with eyes like the sea after a storm, goes along for the ride, and they take their other friend Juan Hector Manuel Crisanto Deigo Carlos Felipo Marco Alberto Miguel Fernando Hermanez Recardo the 3rd, an exchange student from deep Mexico.

They only make it as far as the next interesting place, Scotland, and find themselves in the throws of a castle, because, well, something happened, but there they were. The hunched back man who answered the door, eerily followed the three around the castle. Door after door was opened, with the hopes of finding Larry’s father, but all that lay behind each one was a new mystery to solve. Behind one, for example, was Central Earth which consisted of the children of Men, Elves, and Gnomes that haunted the gardens of Men. There Larry, his red-headed girl, named, um, Matilda, and Juan, connected with Leroy, son of the Dave, son of the Harold, who produced DNA papers stating that he was indeed the father of Larry, and also a prince.

Thrilled, Larry high tailed it out of there, just as a war was unfolding against Man and the formidable Garden Gnomes who were in league with the Plastic Pink Flamingos of the Netherworlds. The three students used this knowledge of the Castle of Doors to get away from the hunched back man who loosely guarded the door of the castle. As they are leaving, the hunchback says with a look of horror in his eyes, “I smell dead people….”

As the three grew, Larry couldn’t live in comfort knowing that his father has maybe or maybe not survived the battle against the Garden Gnomes. Until one day, a letter came along by Owl, and enclosed in the letter was a golden bracelet which he had to go to the country of Saddam-a-mort to throw into the burning oil wells and destroy. Upon the destruction of this bracelet, the wars of Central Earth would cease, and all the people that are wired by their heads into every outlet in the Pink Flamingos power lines will be freed and allowed to live as normal men of Central Earth, instead of living as a ‘renewable energy source.’

I would like you to consider reading my 100,789 word manuscript for the genre: pre-teen action thriller adult fantasy drama, chocked full of recipes, tips for green living, and coupons for future upcoming books. I have always loved writing, ever since the fourth grade when my work was included in the 1975 Christmas Pageant at Show Low, Arizona Elementary School. (Yes, that was me! You remember that, don’t you? DON'T YOU?)

I have received many compliments on my work from my husband, my mother, my deaf aunt Matilda (the inspiration behind my main characters love interest), and my goldfish. I also attended a New Kids on the Block concert when they first toured, and studied a prestigious Book on Writing I got at a garagesale. This manuscript could be considered for a screenplay, and should be categorized right up there with other genius Cinematic Works of Art, such as, Monty Python and the Holy Grail (a moment of contemplation while we ponder the greatness of the Monty… hummmm...ok, that’s enough).

Passing this query up would mean certain death for your Publishing corporation.
I will encourage you to use your good sense and really consider-accept, this almost finished manuscript, destined to be a best seller.

Sincerely,
(name redacted)

23 comments:

Elissa M said...

Oh, man, this is so hilarious I almost think the novel would be worth reading (if it existed). Clearly this author knows satire.

Mags said...

Did you ask for pages?

sex scenes at starbucks said...

well, that one's a no-brainer.

Even word ver. thinks so: dduhuy

Arkansas Cyndi said...

BRAWHAHAHAHA

Wonderful. When is the publication date? I mean, I'm assuming you immediately signed this author on the basis of the query alone, right?

Things that puzzle this other goddess.... said...

Hmmm. Can write satire and knows cultural references...I got a laugh or two so I'd say it served its purpose.

Kimberly J. Smith said...

A satire of a query. How perfectly perfect. I totally enjoyed this -- but I never took it seriously as an actual novel. It just seemed like a send up to the query shark to me.

I mean, really? Pink flamingos? Hilarious.

JES said...

Oh, that's funny stuff.

I found myself in the throw of a castle once and you better be sure I threw it right back.

jeanoram said...

I love writers. Sigh.

TerriRainer said...

Scotland? You should have jumped on it for that reason alone!

:) Terri

R. Daley said...

I already read this one. It was published back in 1973. This is plagiarism, I tell you!

jwhit said...

I just watched Scary Movie 4 tonight. Was this sent by one of their writers?

Abi said...

What a way to start your day...with a really great laugh!

Southern Writer said...

Too funny! Good job!

anachred said...

I really appreciated this. ^_^

*with love, from the hitherto silent peanut gallery*

deannaroy said...

"Tips for green living" sealed it for me!

Christine Carey said...

LOL! "formidable Garden Gnomes who were in league with the Plastic Pink Flamingos of the Netherworlds." My tea - up my nose.

Becky Mushko said...

If you could have gotten this down to one sentence, it would have been a sure winner in Chuck Sambuchino's "Worst Storyline Ever" contest.

the Lola Letters said...

I just peed myself.
I want to marry this person.
That is all.

Charley said...

No wonder you want us to read your whole blog history -- this is too priceless to miss!

Page Traveler said...

My husband says he'd read it, pretty sure I would too :-)

So glad I'm reading through the archives, this makes it all worth it.

GN F said...

Erm...so that's not how it's done?

Joy Slaughter said...

Bahahahahaha!!!! It's an hour past my bedtime, but I'm still reading your site. The info is great, and this takes the cake. This.

Now.

Bed.

Shabaescaba1 said...

I found myself reading this query several times (Oh satire). This is brilliant. I agree with others here; I would definitely read this.