Dear Query Shark:
London's most notorious house of ill repute might not be the ideal sanctuary for a young woman of gentle breeding, but it's certainly the last place anyone will think to look for her. And all Blaire Glendow needs for a few months is a place to hide.
It seems ideal: Blaire's got the disguise, the guts, and the ingenuity to pull it all off. Unfortunately, she's also got a love of mischief that can't help but rear
Jack doesn't know which is the stronger motivation behind his actions: his urge to succumb to Blaire's impish charms or his repulsion at what he thinks is her entanglement in the brothel's seedier activities. Either way, he finds himself playing the errant white knight to one of the most ungrateful, opinionated, obstinate—and enchanting young women he's ever known.
Tapping into the fast-paced folly and fun frivolity redolent of Heyer's Regency England, Handsome Jack is my first novel.
Thank you so much for your consideration
Yup, that works.
Of course I don't need to tell you that spelling mistakes are not a good thing. You know that.
Dear Query Shark:
It's hard to stay upbeat when you've got no money, nowhere to go, and no one to turn to—oh, and an evil guardian hunting you down. Never one for adopting missish airs, Blaire Glendow does what any gently-bred young lady would do in her situation. She runs to the nearest brothel, where, amid dazzling beauties and a proprietress with a deep love of drama, she
fabricates a persona that has everyone fooled.
Is this a satire? Are you making fun of the category? I'm not sure what to make of this.
Except for Lord Crafton. A notorious society bachelor who comes complete with inexplicable scar and brooding nature, he sees right through Blaire's facade. And he wants what he sees.
And I'm still confused.
Prey to a mischievous nature that can't help but rear its fun-loving head at the most inappropriate intervals, Blaire suddenly finds herself whisked away to London, where she she meets an amusing cast of characters with Lord Crafton's best interests at heart. Her heart isn't
far behind, and as she softens toward the indomitable man with his wry punctuating smiles, her body soon follows.
There's a lot of description here and not much else. And I'm still confused about whether this is a joke or not.
When a society scandal forces Lord Crafton's hand in the direction of his best friend's sister, there is only one person able to provide a solution that keeps friendships and a burgeoning love intact. Blaire accepts the challenge and is launched into the role of a lifetime—provided the curtain isn't closed for good when the limelight places her in the direct path of her guardian's rage.
He's mad because of the punctuating smiles isn't he?
Or that brothel adventure?
Tapping into the fast-paced folly and fun frivolity redolent of Heyer's Regency England, Handsome Jack is my first novel. It fuses my love of all things fiction with a successful professional freelance writing career that has placed my blog on the list of Top Ten Blogs for Writers for the past two years running. I would be happy to submit my completed 107,000-word manuscript for your review.
"all things fiction" You don't really want to say that. Unless this is a joke.
Thank you so much for your consideration and for all that you do for the online writing community. I look forward to hearing from you.
Regency romances may be frothy but they aren't satires, and they aren't ironic. Your tone and word choice here make me think you're making fun of things, not having fun with the tropes of the category.
I'm not sure what exactly to make of this, and that's really not the response you're looking for in a query letter.
If Blaire were to write about her situation, how would she describe it? Writing the first draft in her voice might help you get the tone right. Don't write the final version in her voice, that's too gimmicky for serious consideration, but there's a real problem with tone here that is getting in the way of being taken seriously.
Let's all remember too, that Regency romances aren't my forte. Anyone else who reads these more regularly than I should feel free to offer an opinion in the comment section.