Wednesday, June 17, 2009

And now, a pause for jocularity 2

Dear Sublimity, Snookums QueryShark:

Literary agent Nicola Mersdon just wants three things:
1. An extended vacation in the Bahamas (without the slush pile)
2. A sojourn in the local bar (without the manuscript-bearing students)
And:
3. An engagement ring

But she'll settle for a drink.

Three thousand queries, and Nicola Mersdon has a problem. Her romantically-inclined acquaintance has sent her a diamond ring - without an SASE. Nicola is brought into conflict with her own conscience - can she truly accept the engagement and risk tacit support for NITWIT, a multinational alliance of vicious mass queriers and agent e-mail finders - as it did? But Nicola has a duty, and a harsh one - to reject the query. Whatever it takes.


But her querier's romantic inclinations are as nothing compared to his employers'. NITWIT are determined - and there's the devil in the details, as they offer Nicola a chance to die for: a reconciliatory holiday with her rejected. Unfortunately, NITWITs may provide cookies and scented paper, but honeymoons aren't their speciality. As Nicola finds out to her cost - brought to New York for a sacrifice upon one of agenthood's highest pinnacles of sense. Tied to Miss Snark's grave shrine in Central Park, Nicola is forced to offer her betrothed and his allies in NITWITtery a critique, forcing them to retire in shame. Then she eviscerates them.


LIFE AND LOVE IN AN SASE is an epic tale of tragedy, the human condition, and the eternal duology of love. My 200, 000 word manuscript - described as a fascinating combination of Socrates and Faulkner - is available upon request.

Thank you for your time and consideration,

29 comments:

Tara Maya said...

Glad to hear the work on that shrine to Miss Snark has gone forward despite the controversy and the mayoral scandal.

Southern Writer said...

Ha ha ha, too funny!

jessjordan said...

Wait, so now I'm confused ... Does this mean I SHOULD send an SASE with my homemade soaps and bath beads tray?? Gahhhh, you agents are SOOOO confusing!! ;)

_*Rachel*_ said...

OK, now I have to visit New York. Empire State Building, Statue of Liberty, Broadway--nice, but not as good as a shrine to Miss Snark. Should I leave flowers or a paper shredder?

Kat Harris said...

So? Form rejection or full request?

:-)

I loved this. Thanks for the laugh.

Gina Black said...

I'm thinking full request.

Glad to hear about the shrine to Miss Snark and hope it's not far from Strawberry Fields. If I ever get to NY I could spend a bunch of time in Central Park.

"Rachel" . . . I think the answer is actually a good bottle of gin. And maybe a clue gun.

Jaymi said...

One word.....Nice!

Pamala Knight said...

LOLOLOL! That was awesome! Thanks for posting it.

Jackie Uhrmacher said...

Your fake query letter is possibly one of the best I've read, LOL.

Eathon said...

Thank you very much for the compliments! ;) Glad you liked it after all. Although I think the corrections certainly improve the letter... "Shrine" certainly is more likely. Okay, this is a new resolution.

magolla said...

Uh, BTW, the stilettos that were on the shrine . . . well, I borrowed them. I meant to give them back, but how many girls can wear solid gold F*ck me shoes and get away with it?
Sorry, but not even a whack with a clue stick will get them off my feet!

Chumplet - Sandra Cormier said...

Is that you, Evil Editor? Or one of your minions?

cherrytart said...

Hee! Thanks for the laugh. I needed one today.

Amber Argyle-Smith said...

Some people have way too much time on their hands. lol

Jess Haines said...

This was fantastic!

Be sure to leave some gin in the pail when you visit the shrine...

Jeffrey L Riffe said...

... I'd read it....

Angie Ledbetter said...

*clap clap*

Aimee K. Maher said...

I'd like to point out some flaws...

Lynne said...

A mix of Faulkner and Socrates at 200,000 words. Well, I *have* read both, in dire fear of Uber-Smart professors. Sign me up! Hmm. Thinking of how to mix hemlock and bourbon...

Maya / מיה said...

I love it!! Or, as the Word Verification would have me say, "butfus."

I think that speaks for itself.

AnneB said...

"A mix of Faulkner and Socrates at 200,000 words." So that would be huntin' and whorin' in the original Delta?

Lynne said...

Oh, Anne B. Thank you for huntin' & whorin.' That's a great way to go out, laughing, as I lie, dying.

M. said...

*snork!*
what happened after the evisceration?

SM Blooding said...

OMG! I needed that laugh today! Good...greif! That was funny! *still chuckling* oooohhhh...that was funny!

BuffySquirrel said...

long pause....

Whosis said...

Re "an SASE"...
Since that acronym is normally pronounced, I believe correct usage would be "a SASE".

Sarah Jensen said...

Love it!
Bravo to the author of said query!

suzie said...

haha! I want to read this :)

Patty said...

I would SOOOO read this. :)