Friday, December 31, 2010

#192-FTW

Dear QueryShark:


One week ago, Claire's cousin Dinah slit her wrists.

Five days ago, Claire found Dinah's diary and discovered why.

Three days ago, Claire stopped crying and came up with a plan.

Two days ago, she ditched her piercings and bleached the black dye from her hair.

Yesterday, knee socks and uniform plaid became a predator's camouflage.

Today, she'll find the boy who broke Dinah.

By tomorrow, he'll wish he was dead.

Premeditated is a 60,000 word contemporary YA novel. Chapters or a synopsis are available on request.



oh hell yes.  Send pages, send the entire manuscript NOW.

Here's why this breaks all the rules and still works:  

It's got menace in the very rhythm of the writing. It's short and not-sweet.  We know who the main characters are because she SHOWED us, not TOLD us.

And by god, there's nothing better than revenge for the New Year.

Yes, this breaks all the rules I've been yapping about, except the one that really counts: it entices me to read on.

Now, how the hell do you know if you've got something that breaks the rules but works?  First, you write something that doesn't break ANY of the rules.  You write a query that shows, doesn't tell. That's concise, and conveys what the book is about.

In other words, you write to the form of a query letter before you write something that ISN'T to form.

And you pay attention to rhythm.  More than anything else stylistically, it's that rhythm of good writing that's toughest to teach and learn.  When I'm editing manuscripts, I say the sentences out loud a lot. Hearing them helps me see where there are extra words, or too many beats, or misplaced beats.  It's very very slow editing when you are down to moving syllables in sentences, but it's what makes the difference between gorgeous writing and so-so sentences.




Saturday, December 11, 2010

#191-revised 3x for the Win

Dear QueryShark:

Sixteen year old Hope's life went off the rails last year, when a stupid freakin' earthquake took away her awesome mom. Not even a butt-load of pills could numb that pain.


In rehab, she accepts a surprise invitation to spend the summer with her aunt in the Scottish Highlands. When Hope discovers a secret room full of elaborate costumes and a five-hundred year old painting of her mother’s face, she’s sure all the residents of the huge house are bat’s-ass crazy. The truth will test her new sobriety and give her a chance to redeem herself. Her mom isn’t dead. She is trapped in the year 1543. Hope steps into her mother's shoes, and joins the new generation of Viators—time travelers—as they prepare for the longest road trip ever.


The only normal piece of her freak-a-zoid life is the time she spends with local Alex Cameron. But, when Alex appears at Henry VIII’s Hampton Court, Hope realizes she was played. Alex is one of the criminal Timeslippers. Hope’s mom kept them from stealing a book so powerful; (take out the semi colon) its owner can reshape history.

Now, Alex is back to finish the job, and it's up to Hope to stop him. He's also ordered to make sure Hope and her mom never return. Hope swore she would risk anything to rescue her mom, and she’ll be damned if some lying douche is going to get in her way. She'll do whatever it takes, even if it means getting left behind.


A TIME FOR HOPE is my debut Young Adult novel, complete at 91,000 words. Fans of REVOLUTION by Jennifer Donnelly will like this book. I am a member of the Historical Novel Society and the RWA.

Thank you so much for your time.


Well dear readers, I think she's got it.  

The voice is very forceful; that appeals to me.  I also like that we've got a sense of the stakes and a sense of the choice Hope has to make.

Before you send your queries out, make SURE you have an eagle eyed copy editor look this over. You've got an errant semi-colon in this version, a misplaced comma in another.  These aren't the difference between yes and no, but you want to make sure your work is as polished as you can make it.

This works. I'd request pages.




----------------------
Dear Query Shark,


Sixteen year old Hope's life went off the rails last year, when a stupid freakin' earthquake took away her awesome mom. Not even a butt-load of pills could numb that pain.

In rehab, she accepts a surprise invitation to spend the summer with her aunt in the Scottish Highlands. When There she discovers a secret room full of elaborate costumes and a four-hundred year old painting of her mother's face, she demands answers. But, the truth might be more than her new sobriety can take. Her mom isn't dead. She's trapped in the past--in the year 1543.(2) If Hope is strong enough, she can take up the family tradition and begin training with the other new Viators--time travelers--as they prepare for the longest road trip ever.

"strong enough" doesn't tell me much. Is she undergoing GIJane pt routine? Is it emotional strength? What does Hope need to do to get ready? And if this really isn't an important part of the story, don't mention it at the start of a sentence. Just start with She can take up the family tradition


The only bit of normalcy in her life is her budding relationship with local, Alex Cameron. But when Alex appears at Henry VIII's Hampton court, Hope realizes she was played. Alex is one of the criminal Timeslippers, on a mission to steal a book so powerful, its owner can reshape history. She must rescue her mom and keep the book out of the Timeslipper's hands, even if it means Hope will never return.

no comma before Alex Cameron.

"budding relationship" is a phrase I'm confident no teen girl would use to describe herself or how she feels about a boy.

You've also used the second paragraph (2) to ask if Hope is strong enough to become a time traveller. In the third paragraph it sounds like not only is she, she's off at the court of H8. You're wasting time and words setting up a problem that isn't a key part of the book.

Focus on the first choice that Hope has to make. If her first choice is to rescue her mom, I said those weren't very high stakes on the first go round. However, it's clear something went VERY wrong if her mom is stuck in 1543. What does Hope bring to the problem that will solve it?

It's like you don't send someone down into a mine to rescue people without sending a rope and shovels with them. Otherwise you just have more stuck miners. What tools/skill does Hope have that will help her Mom? And if they don't work is she willing to be stuck there in 1543 with her?


A TIME FOR HOPE is my debut Young Adult novel, complete at 91,000 words. Fans of REVOLUTION by Jennifer Donnelly would relate to this work.

I can relate to a lot of things I don't like. Vegemite, shark-fin soup, reserves against returns.


Fans of REVOLUTION by Jennifer Donnelly are the audience for this book.

or
Fans of REVOLUTION by Jennifer Donnelly will like this book.

I am a member and district leader of the Historical Novel Society and the RWA.

Thank you so much for your time.

This isn't bad, and I know the comment column is clamoring to read this, but a query letter has to show me that you can write so well and so crisply that I will want to read this book more than once.

This query doesn't do that yet, but it's getting better.

Revise, let it sit for a while, revise again, then resend.
Make SURE the book itself is getting the same kind of polish you're doing here.

--------------

Dear Query Shark,

Sixteen year old Hope’s life went off the rails last year. All because when a stupid freakin' earthquake took away her awesome mom. There wasn't even a body to bury.


Have I yapped enough about rhythm in sentences? Probably not. Say the first version out loud. Then the revised version. Which sounds better?


Word choice is mostly about the right word, but the final polish is always the right word in the right place. "All because" and "when" mean about the same thing in the context of this paragraph, but one is better than the other because of how it sounds. When writers talk about reading their work aloud, this is the kind of thing they are listening for.

She soon discovered that all the pills in the world couldn't numb the pain, though she gave it her best shot.


Pare away everything you don't need.


In rehab, she accepts a surprise invitation to spend the summer with her aunt in Scotland, who needs her help on a project. Hope doesn't care if it's shoveling sheep crap as long as it gets her out of facing the mess she left back home.


She goes to Scotland with her aunt is about all you really need to say: we intuit that she'd want to get away, and with her mom dead, a relative would step in. Trust your reader to make the logical connections.


What she learns at her aunt’s old house in the Highlands is weirder than any drug-induced hallucination.


RESIST THAT METAPHOR. Metaphor is a powerful tool but you don't need it here. What she learns at her aunt's house is that her mom isn't dead. We get that that is weird. Simplify!

Her mom is not dead. She is trapped in the past, in the year 1543, and Hope is needed to bring her back. She joins the team of new recruits to the society of Viators, time travelelers, as they prepare for the longest road trip ever.

Why is Hope needed to bring her back? That's the key piece of information you're missing here.

Faced with a truth she never imagined and fighting off the old cravings, she treasures the only bit of normalcy in her life. Her budding relationship with a local boy, Alex Cameron. When Alex appears in renaissance England, Hope realizes she's been played. Alex is a member of the criminal Timeslippers. He’s ordered to steal the powerful Libri Atlantius and kill its owner, the young alchemist John Dee. He is also charged with killing anyone who gets in his way. With the book of Atlantis in the Timeslippers possession, they can shape history any way they wish. Now, Hope has to stop the Timeslippers from getting their hands on the book, save Dee, and bring her mother back home. No biggee for a recovering addict.


And here is where you go splat. You don't need all this. You've got a nice set up with rescuing her mom. And your first version had a much cleaner version of this:


The only bit of normalcy in her life is her budding relationship with a local, Alex Cameron. But, when Alex appears at the court of King Henry VIII, Hope realizes she was played. Alex is a member of the criminal "Timeslippers." And he has orders to make certain that Hope and her mother never return.


All you need is one more sentence here telling us about the stakes: keep it very simple though. "A book that allows the reader to reshape history is about to fall into the wrong hands if Hope doesn't confound Alex's nefarious schemes." Or something like that.

A TIME FOR HOPE is my debut Young Adult novel, complete at 91,000 words. Fans of REVOLUTION by Jennifer Donnelly would relate to this work. I am a member, and district leader, of the Historical Novel Society and the FWCA.

Thank you so much for your time.

A TIME FOR HOPE
Genre: Young Adult
91,000 Word count

This is better, but it's not ready yet.

Polish, revise.

------------------------------------------
Dear Query Shark,

Sixteen year old Hope Walton didn't really want to become a time traveler, but apparently it's a family tradition.


Here's the trouble with log lines: they undercut any kind of buildup to a punch line-they destroy tension and suspense. Consider how much more a reveal it is if that log line appears AFTER these next paragraphs.

Her life went off the rails when she learned her mom was killed in a foreign earthquake. All the pills in the world couldn't numb that pain. When her aunt visits her rehab center and asks for help on a project, Hope assumes she means scrapbooking or maybe knitting.

She was wrong.

Now she has the chance to redeem herself. She can rescue her mother, then begin to pull her life back together. All Hope has to do is travel to the year 1543 and bring her mom home. No biggee.



Here's the revised layout:

Sixteen year old Hope Walton's life went off the rails when she learned was told her mom was killed in a foreign earthquake. All the pills in the world couldn't numb that pain. When her aunt visits her rehab center and asks for help on a project, Hope assumes she means scrapbooking or maybe knitting. She was wrong.

Hope Walton doesn't really want to become a time traveler, but apparently it's a family tradition. And her mom isn't dead, just trapped in 1543.

At her aunt's manor in the Scottish Highlands, Hope learns about her strange heritage. She is joined by joins a team of new recruits as they prepare for the longest road trip ever. The only bit of normalcy in her life is her budding relationship with a local, Alex Cameron. But, when Alex appears at the court of King Henry VIII, Hope realizes she was played. Alex is a member of the criminal "Timeslippers." And he has orders to make certain that Hope and her mother never return.

A TIME FOR HOPE is my debut Young Adult novel, complete at 91,000 words. Fans of REVOLUTION by Jennifer Donnelly would relate to this work. I am a member, and district leader, of the Historical Novel Society and the FWCA. I am also under the tutelage of the Young Adult novelist, (redacted).

I'm not sure what under the tutelage means, but leave it out. Your bio is for publication credits and groups you belong to that are relevant. Your teachers, your school, your tutelors--not relevant.

Thank you so much for your time. It is such a precious thing.


A TIME FOR HOPE
Young Adult Category
91,000 word count


Structurally this is an above-average query. However, when I see paragraphs set up with the reveal (or the punch line aka the climax) at the start of the paragraph, it undercuts my confidence in how the book is structured paragraph by paragraph. I see this a lot in otherwise good queries. You need to unfold a story in your query just like you do the book. Set up, then resolve. In other words, don't tell us she's a time traveller before you set up the situation.

And frankly, the idea that someone time travels to the court of Henry 8 is beyond over-used. You've got an opportunity to go anywhere in time, and you choose the one period that has been the subject of more television shows and movies than any other.

And the stakes are pretty pale as well: she has to rescue her mom. Ok, sure, who wouldn't want to rescue their mom, but it doesn't have much pizazz.


This isn't a bad query, but it's getting a form rejection cause it doesn't do the ONE thing a query has to do: entice me to read it.

Sunday, December 5, 2010

#190-Revised 5x FOR THE WIN

Dear QueryShark,



Twenty-three-year old Scott Harris is the most wanted man in Orlando. He’s been tearing apart its wealthiest neighborhoods since turning to a reluctant life of burglary, and is about to get pinched by the city’s best detective, Andre Jones. With one last big score, Scott’s going to get out while the getting’s good. He hits the mansion of Mayor Eugene Stone, and uncovers a lethal secret that will hurt many people, including those he cares deeply about.



The mayor’s top priority isn’t budget proposals or city council meetings. Turns out, he’s using his trusted position as cover, quietly plotting in the shadows. He leads a sleeper cell outraged with what’s happening to their country. The group is ready to change things their way – and ain’t nothing in this world solved without violence.



With the heat cranked up, there’s no way Scott’s going to the cops with what he knows. He begins to use his skills as a thief to set up the mayor and crush his plans. Unfortunately for Scott, there’s bad news creeping up: Jones finds out who he is, and what’s worse – so does Mayor Stone. The mayor sets a deadly trap for the little punk, leading to a brutal showdown between Scott, Detective Jones and the sleeper cell. Outnumbered and out of time, there’s only one chance left for Scott to save his life, and hopefully his freedom – or there’s gonna be a whole lot of killing going on.



INVISIBLE EMPIRE is a novel of suspense, complete at 109,000 words. Thank you for your time and consideration.




Sincerely,

By George I think he's got it!
If you'd asked me to bet cold hard cash money on whether this query would ever work, I'd have laid odds it wouldn't. You proved me wrong. Congratulations.

What I like best here is we have a MUCH clearer sense of voice now.  Read the first version. Then read this.  You'll see. 

Now, apply everything you learned here to the novel before you query. It won't do you a bit of good to have a spiffed up query unless the novel is also spiffy.

But, reward yourself before diving into those revisions, you've earned it.

------------------------------------------------------------------------



Dear QueryShark,



Picking locks, bypassing alarms, cracking safes – for Scott Harris, it’s all just part of the day after turning to a reluctant life of crime. No one would ever guess this seemingly wholesome twenty-three-year old is the person tearing apart Orlando’s wealthiest suburbs. If he were to take an aptitude test, the results would come back: disillusioned and destitute. After boosting jewels and C-notes, life is slowly turning the corner…until he slips up. Now Detective Andre Jones, Orlando’s most talented cop, will do anything to pinch the thief that’s been shaking up the city.

It takes a while sometimes to see where the story starts, but I think it starts here:

With one last big score, Scott’s going to get out while the getting’s good. He breaks into the home of Mayor Eugene Stone, and gets the shock of a lifetime when he finds a deadly secret. The mayor’s top priority isn’t budget proposals or city council meetings. Turns out, he’s using his trusted position as cover, quietly plotting in the shadows. He leads a sleeper cell outraged with what’s happening to their country. The group is ready to change things their way – and ain’t nothing in this world solved without violence.



Scott’s conscious (this is the wrong word. You mean conscience) washes over him like the pounding surf. With so much heat around, there’s no way he’s going to the police. Before the bloodshed begins, he’ll have to depend on his skills as a thief to set up the mayor and crush his plans.



Unfortunately for Scott, there’s bad news creeping up: Detective Jones finds out who he is, and what’s worse – so has the mayor. Outnumbered and out of time, mistakes aren’t an option. He’s got one chance left to save his freedom, and hopefully his life – or there’s gonna be a whole lot of killing going on.



INVISIBLE EMPIRE is a novel of suspense, complete at 110,000 words. Thank you for your time and consideration.





Sincerely,


This is better. Polish it up. Let it sit for a week, and polish it again.


--------
Dear Query Shark,


Scott Harris, a disillusioned twenty-three-year old down on his luck, turns to a reluctant life of burglary and tears apart Orlando’s wealthiest neighborhoods. Now Detective Andre Jones, the city’s most talented cop, is one step behind his every move.

This is good. It's not the most gripping opening, but it's good enough to keep me reading. Agents don't really keep score cards when reading queries. There are a couple things that will get you an instant rejection (fiction novel) but mostly we read till we know whether we want to read the pages.


Scott’s going to make one last big score, then get out while the getting’s good. He breaks into the home of Mayor Eugene Stone, and gets the shock of a lifetime when he moves gets to the cellar and finds a deadly secret.



With a cop hunting him, Scott knows going to the police isn’t an option. Unwilling to stand by, he decides to sabotage Stone’s plan before the bloodshed begins. Detective Jones discovers Scott’s identity - and what’s worse – so has Mayor Stone. Outnumbered…and out of time, Scott must rely on his wits to secure his freedom, and hopefully his life.



INVISIBLE EMPIRE is a novel of suspense, complete at 110,000 words. Thank you for your time and consideration.


This is much much better than the first versions.

The problem is that it's not compelling. It's not enticing. It's flat. You've set up the scene but there's no juice here, no electricity. It doesn't make the cut on "do I want to read this."

Electricty is found in word choice. Go back and look at the archives. Study the ones that were yes on the first version. Really STUDY the word choices.

Revise.





---------------------------
Dear Query Shark,

With a cop and a killer gunning for him, Scott is in way over his head. If he plays his cards just right, he could make it out with his freedom - and his life.

oh, you guys love those loglines don't you. Other than no response means no, log lines are the worst thing publishing has imported from the film industry. Honestly I think log lines don't serve a writer well. You have an entire page to work with here, don't try to condense it to a single sentence. 

This sentence doesn't actually say anything. It uses metaphors that don't apply to anything in the book (cards), introduces a character not in the query (a killer) and tries to set up tension...there's no tension in flabby sentences.

Start with the name of the main character. Describe what he wants and what's keeping him from getting it.

INVISIBLE EMPIRE concerns Scott Harris, a young man who turns to a reluctant life of burglary. He slips up one night and now has Detective Jones, Orlando’s most talented cop, hunting him like a hawk.


The pressure is all too much for Scott to handle, so he’s going to make one last big score, then get out while the getting’s good. He breaks into the home of Mayor Stone, and gets the shock of a lifetime when he moves to the cellar and finds a dangerous secret.


You don't need the first clause. He's got the cops after him; in fact he's got Orlando's most talented cop after him.  It's pretty obvious somethings gotta give.


Too scared to go to the police because of his own criminality, but unwilling to stand by, Scott decides to sabotage Stone’s plan before it’s too late; all while dodging the pursuit of Detective Jones. The Mayor eventually finds out who Scott is, and has every intention of putting an end to the little punk for good, leading to the lives of all three men colliding in a brutal showdown.

I'm not sure criminality is actually word. Even if it is, it's not a good one here.  He's scared to go to the police cause the police are after him.  That seems obvious.  You don't need to state the obvious. 

The rest of this paragraph has all the rhythm of an elephant dancing the hokey-pokey.  Polish it up.

INVISIBLE EMPIRE is a novel of suspense, complete at 110,000 words. Thank you for your time and consideration.





Sincerely,

This is much better than the previous iterations.

You've got the right details in the right place.
Now go back and make sure every single word is right, and the sentences are honed.
This is where you start reading every sentence out loud to see if they sound right.
It takes a while to get it right at this stage. It's like moving day when you've got all the furniture on the truck, then realize all the little stuff still has to be dealt with. That stuff takes just as much time, if not more, than heaving the couch down four flights of stairs.


--------------------
Dear Query Shark,

With a cop and a killer gunning for him, Scott is in way over his head(stop), but if  If he plays his cards just right, he could make it out with his freedom, and his life.

You really should start here----->INVISIBLE EMPIRE concerns Scott Harris, a young teacher who becomes unemployed after an excruciating motocross injury leaves him  Scott bedridden, impelling his father to take on three jobs to pay the medical bills. Recovery is slow for Scott after surgery, and pain prevents him from working beyond a few hours at a minimum wage job.

Impelling is an adjective. Impel is a verb. Impelling personality. Something impels him to take on three jobs. 


Knowing his father toils all day breaks his heart, and Scott struggles to find a solution to help him. When he overhears his father being threatened with physical harm if a hefty loan isn’t paid back immediately, Scott decides he can’t watch his father suffer any longer, and believes there is only one option left. He will have to become the type of person he despises, and turns to a reluctant life of burglary.

Here's where you lose me.  I simply don't buy that a man turns from teaching to burglary. You'd do better to leave out all this set up and simply start with Scott as a burglar. 

Scott hits some houses, but also makes a few mistakes. Before long Detective Jones, Orlando’s best investigator, is in hot pursuit. Scott’s pushed his tormented body to the limit while burglarizing, and he begins to take more than his prescribed dosage of OxyContin. This brings forth hallucinations of a demon stalking him, taunting him to abuse the painkiller, and he begins to wonder if his everyday experiences are reality or some type of purgatory. It’s all too much for Scott to handle, so he’s going to make one last big score, then get out while the getting’s good. 


Focus on the main plot of the book. Your query is 400+ words right now. Pare it down by focusing only on the events that move the plot forward.


Scott breaks into the home of Mayor Stone, and gets the shock of a lifetime when he finds a deadly secret in the cellar. Stone leads a white supremacist group planning to hunt illegal immigrants and terrorize institutions they deem to be a threat to the white race. Too scared to go to the police because of his own criminality, but unwilling to stand by, Scott decides to clean up his act and try to stop the extremists himself.




Scott manages to destroy part of their remote compound deep within the OcalaMayor Stone finds out who Scott is, and has every intention of putting an end to the little punk for good, leading to the lives of all three men colliding in a brutal showdown.

INVISIBLE EMPIRE is a novel of suspense, complete at 110,000 words. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Pare down all the stuff you don't need and then you'll have the bones of the query in place.  

The problem with this query though is that I don't see anything compelling.  It's all very cliche: white supremacists, lone wolf hero.  You can have a structurally sound query (well, you could, once you revise) but the book itself isn't doing much for me here.

If this is your first novel, there's a lot of merit to the advice I hear from established writers: put the first one under the bed, and write the next.

When you do that, try to twist some of the cliches into new forms.  Make the white supremacists the good guys. (Now THERE is a challenge!)



-------------------------------------------
Dear Query Shark,

Scott Harris gets the shock of a lifetime while burglarizing the Mayor’s home when he moves to the cellar and finds a tortured prostitute shackled within a catacomb of horrors, and documents entailing a vicious plot to take over the U.S. government.

And here's where I stop reading. I don't buy the premise of the novel. You get ONE item from the menu: either a tortured prostitute, OR a catacomb of horrors, OR documents entailing a vicious plot to take over the U.S. government but not all three.

INVISIBLE EMPIRE is a psychological thriller concerning Scott, a twenty-four-year old who crashes his motorcycle and becomes injured with a rare and brutal nerve condition. Chronic pain leads him to rely heavily on oxycontin which distorts his mind, bringing forth hallucinations of a demon stalking him, taunting him to abuse the painkiller. He wonders if his every day experiences are reality or some type of purgatory. He becomes bedridden and loses everything, including his girlfriend and job as a fourth grade teacher, impelling his father to take on three jobs to pay his bills.

This is all backstory, and has nothing to do with what you have in the first paragraph.

Scott receives surgery, but recovery is slow, inhibiting him from gaining employment. A massive wave of guilt washes over him knowing his father toils all day. He struggles with how to make money to help his father, and through an oxycontin haze, realizes he will have to become the type of person he despises. Scott develops the skills of a professional thief, and breaks into upscale homes of those who have procured their riches through unlawful ways.



"procured their riches through unlawful ways?" He only robs the home of people most likely to have heavily armed guards and the inclination to kill him if they discover him. That doesn't make sense either. Wouldn't you want to rob the people who don't have alarm systems?

My point is here is that you're making up stuff that defies credulity. Thrillers have to start from a point where the reader thinks "yes, that could happen."

As a result, Scott now has Orlando’s most dogged investigator, Detective Stone, hunting him like a voracious hawk coming in for the kill. This leads to an exhilarating game of wits as Scott continues to steal, barely escaping the relentless pursuit of Stone.

None of this has anything to do with what you said in the first paragraph. Added to the list of things I don't believe: a game of wits with an Oxycontin addict.

Scott meets a young woman and falls in love and begins to question his motivations. He convinces himself to hit one more house for a big score and breaks into the home of Eugene Miller, the Mayor of Orlando. He learns Miller is the leader of a vicious supremacist group bent on overthrowing the U.S. government in a violent uprising, but is discouraged from going to the authorities when he ascertains a few members are local police officers. Scott decides he is the only person that can sabotage their plans and sets out to stop them while simultaneously struggling to elude Stone. Miller discovers Scott’s identity and goes after him with extreme prejudice, leading to a thrilling showdown between all three men.


Finally, some linkage. 

But, you forgot the tortured prostitute and the catacomb of horrors.  You mention that in the first paragraph, then never again.

 Added to the list of things defying credulity: the protagonist deciding he's the only guy to thwart a violent uprising by white supremacists. Honest to godiva, the guy sounds like a nut job at this point.

INVISIBLE EMPIRE blends fast-paced plotting, heart-stopping action and suspense, unpredictable violence and dark humor. It will appeal to the same audience that has made bestsellers of works by Richard Matheson, Cormac McCarthy and Stephen King.

If nothing else, please please please don't compare your books to Stephen King and Cormac McCarthy yourself. Let someone else do it.

And when you tell me your book has fast-paced plotting, heart-stopping action etc, I simply don't believe you. Show me you can write that way in your query, don't tell me.


I obtained my B.S. in Film/Video from (redacted.) I currently teach writing at a public school in (redacted) I have worked in Hollywood on several film projects and hope one day to direct a major motion picture based on my manuscript.

This is NOT a selling point for an author. I want to sign clients who intend to write their fingers to the bone for many many bestselling novels and make me rich and reclusive. Telling me you have another career goal makes it easy to say "not for me." And yes, that's even if I'd liked/loved the book. There are more good books out there than I have slots on my list.

The 127,000 word manuscript is completed and ready to be sent at your request. Thank you for taking the time to consider my work.


Sincerely,


This is a form rejection.