I always hate to see a query writer put their age in a query. I particularly hate it when the query writer is young. Nothing good comes of this. Agents aren't looking for "young"; they're looking for good projects.
Your project needs to stand on its own. And, it's possible if not likely that a good project will be summarily rejected because of your age. There are many published novelists who are young of course. The one I am most familiar with (Kody Keplinger) did not include her age in her query.
I'm almost 100% certain to reject a project if the querier is this young (you're 16 or 17 I assume.) I don't want to inflict my sharkly self on kids. I know you don't think of yourself as a kid, but I do. There's time enough for you to be brutalized by the real world. College for starters.
This applies only to kids who are nearly adults-16 and 17.
If you're under 16, do tell me. I don't form reject anyone under 16. I reject them, but always with encouragement.
I have recently completed an 80,000 word novel, Point Blank, an adult, military fictional piece implementing a technique of suspense similarly found in a Michael Crichton thriller, yet also containing a strong moral backbone that deals with racism found between cultures. The story relates greatly to the present political and economic situations in the US, and brings up a possible scenario of what might happen if compromises aren’t reached soon.
This sounds so formal that it's off-putting. And it's not enticing. Start with the name of the main character. Tell me what challenges he faces.
I don't care much about the themes of your novel. I care if it's enticing.
Economic fallout and political turmoil arise in the year 2014 after China refuses to let the US debt ceiling rise any further. War breaks out in 2017, and by 2022, the United States has initiated mandatory drafts for the first time since the Cold War.
Joseph Stephenson, a twenty-three year old American computer specialist, was drafted and has just finished going through training camp. The US has invaded Chinese soil and is pushing an aggressive campaign to cover the entire Chinese nation. In order to see this goal through, a new system of warfare has been initiated by the US government. Soldiers’ kills are tracked and used to create currency-like points.
Start with Joseph Stephenson. He's drafted. He finds himself in a deadly competition for survival.
These points then become the key to survival. A soldier’s supply of food, water, and ammo, even his opportunity to go home, are all dictated by the number of points he has. This system, kept hidden from public eye, has chained soldiers to the battlefield, turning heroes of peace and freedom into mechanized murderers. Now, trapped in the heart of this twisted conflict with no food, no water, and no way home, Joseph Stephenson must fight not only for his next breath, but also because he stands as the only soldier in this corrupt war with the ability to restore justice to the collapsing system he is shackled to.
You're missing a key point here: what is Joseph Stephenson's ability, and why is he blocked from using it?
I recently submitted a modified and shortened chapter of Point Blank to a local literary festival competition and won.
Send what the agent asks for in the submission guidelines.
Don't tell me why I'm going to like your novel; show me. That means tell me about the book in a way that makes me want to read it. When you urge your friends to read a book you've loved you don't ever say "it's a good, well written commercial fiction thriller filled with dexterity of voice and a powerful narrative push with master of tone and voice...etc." A query letter must be enticing, not a analysis of the prose.
Thank you for your time. I hope very much to work with you and look forward to hearing from you.
This query doesn't have much verve to it. You're trying to hard to be formal and businesslike. Cut loose. Give us something to chew on.