Sunday, June 29, 2014

#261-revised 2x FTW

Dear Query Shark,

Jumping parole might be Lemon Beasly’s only shot at saving her baby. Soon she’ll start showing, and her boss, Nathaniel, will find out she’s still pregnant. She’d let him put his hands and other extremities on her body for four long months before she figured he didn’t care one fig for her, and all those promises to help clear her prison record were a goddamn lie. Falling for a man’s tricks got her sent to the stoney lonesome in the first place, and now Nathaniel’s threatening to cook up a violation if she doesn’t get an abortion. And sShe believes him too. Powerful men always get their way. They’d send her baby to foster care to grow up motherless, just like she did.

When she Lemon meets Rayline over a Beretta Tomcat and a well-placed knee in Nathaniel’s baby makers, her first impression is the woman might be three baby steps away from flat crazy. But it doesn’t take long to figure that Rayline is better than harmless. She’s a 67-year-old woman who’s never wanted anything more than to raise a child and get some respect. Her family’s kept her in their own little prison, almost as good as Alabama’s fine penal accommodations. And there’s no way they’d let her anywhere near a baby.

Rayline just might be the person Lemon’s always needed in her life: a mother figure who won’t go away. And Lemon is Rayline’s first true friend. But can they get out before their men catch wind or the law catches on?

WOMEN LIKE US, a novel of 84,000 words, is Women’s Fiction. It was a quarter-finalist in the Amazon Breakthrough Novel Award and for that won a Publisher’s Weekly review:. PW says, “A charming and often funny feature is the colorful (sometimes off-color) dialect ... upbeat ...  fast paced, featuring “strong and quirky female characters.”


Thank you for your time and consideration.


 The contrast between this effort and the initial query makes me weep for joy.
You're good to go here. I hope it sells for wheelbarrows full of lovely lolly.



--------------------
Dear Query Shark,

Lemon Beasly needs to get the hell out of WalMart. Soon she’ll start showing, and her boss, Nathaniel, will find out she’s still carrying his baby. She became pregnant after months of giving into his manipulative demands for sex. He’d promised to help her clear her prison and parole record. Hell if that wasn’t a lie. Now he’s threatening to cook up a violation if she doesn’t get an abortion, and she believes him too. Powerful men always get their way. They’d send her baby to foster care to grow up motherless, just like she did. 



Rayline’s never wanted anything more than to raise a child and get some respect. She’s 67-years-old, but her family’s kept her under close watch her entire life, never letting her make a decision for herself. And there’s no way they’d let her anywhere near a baby. 



When the two women Lemon and Rayline meet over a Beretta Tomcat and a well-placed knee in Nathaniel’s baby makers, they find something incredible. For Lemon, the love of a mother figure who won’t go away. For Rayline, real friendship with a person who loves and admires her. But can they get out before their men catch wind of it or the law catches on?

Incredible makes it sound like they've become lovers, and while I've got no problem with lesbian fiction, I'm pretty sure that's not what you're intending to write. Find a more precise word than incredible.

WOMEN LIKE US, a novel of 84,000 words, falls into the is Women’s Fiction category. It was a quarter-finalist in the Amazon Breakthrough Novel Award and for that won a Publisher’s Weekly review. PW called it,  “upbeat” and “fast paced,” featuring “strong and quirky female characters.” Says PW, “(1)A charming and often funny feature is the colorful (sometimes off-color) dialect.”
Put that last sentence (1) before "upbeat". It will read like this:

PW called it "a charming and often funny feature is the colorful (sometimes off-color) dialect" -- “upbeat” and “fast paced,” featuring “strong and quirky female characters.”

You don't want to use "says PW" twice in the same paragraph.
Thank you for your time and consideration.



Oh, you took off your crazy hat and wild make up and got all sober sides here. One of the best things about your first query was the voice and the word choices (diction) Some of the word choices didn't work, but with this you've swung so far into respectable that you've lost what made you colorful.

Don't be afraid to be wild and crazy. Just not out of control and insane. Learning the difference between enough and too much is an on going process.

Take another whack at this.



----------------
Question: I know that you've said you hate it when writers make ridiculous claims of self-importance, but I have this great PW review of my book that I want to include in my query. I've led with a couple quotes from PW rather than starting with the story because I thought that would be most enticing. But is that annoying? Does it sound self-aggrandizing? I got the PW review as part of a prize from a writing contest, and I'm trying to find the best way to use it to promote my book to agents. Thanks for reading!



Dear Query Shark,

Publisher’s Weekly called WOMEN LIKE US “upbeat” and “fast paced,” featuring “strong and quirky female characters.” Says PW, “A charming and often funny feature is the colorful (sometimes off-color) dialect.”

And here's where I'd stop reading if this were a regular query. When I see "PW called" I assume they reviewed the book, and that means the book was published. I don't handle books that have already been published (some agents do) but more importantly, if I thought your book was published, it's no longer your first novel, and thus less enticing. 

Lemon Beasly needs to know why Momma was murdered all those years ago. Lemon’s got the who. Trouble is, she sent that bastard to hell before he could get to the juicy part. So she’s been working the why over for ten years now. First in the state of Alabama’s fine penal accommodations, then at the Wal-Mart, where she works as a condition of her parole. Even while her boss, Mr. Smutty, is screwing her on lunch breaks.

And I've stopped taking you seriously now. Mr Smutty? Is that what Lemon calls him?  And "is screwing her" says absolutely the wrong thing if you want me to feel sympathy with Lemon. 

You're letting your "quirky" overpower the story.  Lemon is your protagonist. We need to be rooting for her. Why would she let someone named (godhelpus) Mr. Smutty into her pants? 

And you've missed the key piece of information here: the stakes. WHY does Lemon need to know why her mum was murdered? What's at stake if she never finds out?


That mess with Smutty ends the day she steals an EPT from the family planning aisle and turns the test strip blue. Smutty tells her she can lose the baby or lose her job. That would mean a parole violation for her, and foster care for her unborn child.

Now here is where we really do start to care. Now something is at stake.


Now she’s got two choices. Kill her baby and stick around in a “safe” but miserable life, or run. She teams up with Rayline, a saucy, pistol-packing, mildly retarded woman.

 I'm not sure why it's important to know Rayline is mildly retarded. It certainly makes me nervous to think of someone who is mildly retarded is also armed. And what does Lemon need from her that this is her choice of sidekick?


They set off to find Trigger, Lemon’s high school boyfriend. He might have the answers about Momma, or a clue at least. Question is, can Lemon and Rayline find him before the cops find them?

Why does Trigger (jebus, these names!) have the answer?

WOMEN LIKE US, a novel of 84,000 words, is the perfect blend of laugh-out-loud humor, heart-wrenching drama, and page-turning tension. PW agrees, “The fast-paced narrative addresses racism, murder, discrimination, loss, female friendship, and mothering. …this would most appeal to women readers or to those concerned with race and women’s status in late 20th-century America.” Thank you for your time and consideration.


The way you handle the PW review is to be very clear that the mention was  part of a prize from a writing contest.  You mention it at the END of the query. And I'm sorry to say that this PW mention isn't the ticket to the top of the query pile you think it is. I don't care what anyone else thinks, I only care what *I* think. And what *I* think is based on what you tell me about the plot and characters.


Also, this is NOT "ridiculous claims of self-importance,"--you actually earned that review the old fashioned way. You wrote the book and someone liked it.

Ridiculous claims of self-importance are: people who love God will love my book; God loves my book; all women will love my book; I'm the best writer since God. 


You've got voice and diction like nobody's business. You probably have a good novel in there. You don't have a good query yet. 

Revise and use the template that I've yammered about now for years. Give it your own individual flair.





Sunday, June 22, 2014

#260


Dear QueryShark:

Shawn knows he’s going to die on his 18th birthday.

It’s not like it’s a secret. Shawn is a saviant, born to provide a vital organ transplant to his twin brother, Adam.

When you make up a word like "saviant" it helps to use italics so the reader knows you didn't just misspell savant.

Most saviants are wards of the Church of St. Gwyneth, but not Shawn. His parents kept him and raised him alongside Adam.

Shawn loves his brother. He doesn’t mind dying. He just wants Adam to be happy.

Then Adam’s girlfriend Ashley shows up at the door.

Ashley has never heard about Shawn. She’s never even met a saviant before. She assumes the boy in front of her is Adam. And she’s never been shy with her kisses.

It’s Shawn’s first kiss. Ever. He doesn’t know how to stop it. And Adam sees what happens.

The fight is bad. So bad, Shawn tells Adam the one thing he knows will hurt the most. That his death is Adam’s fault.

When it comes down to it, Shawn’s not so sure he really is ready to die. Not anymore.

He could run away. Live a life of his own.

All he has to do is leave Adam to die instead.

INTO THE SHINING SUN (74,000 words) is young adult speculative fiction. It’s my first novel.

Thank you for your time and consideration.


Yup, this works. This entices me to read pages. It's taut, it's got stakes, it's got me caring about ALL the characters. This is ready to go.


Question:

The first half of the story makes it look like Shawn’s going to run away and live - a more typical dystopian tale - but Shawn chooses to die, and his death marks the novel’s halfway point. The second half follows Adam’s struggle to deal with his brother’s death.

I think the query is more enticing like this, but am I lying by omission? Should I give away Shawn’s end and give a clearer picture of the whole novel instead?

Also, my novel used to be 120,000 words. Thank you for admonishing us to pare it down. I needed it.


Tricky question, and there's no right answer here. I think you leave the query as is.  I moved the question to the bottom of the post so as not to spoil the "surprise" second half for the blog readers. I think having this turn of events will be a good plot twist. 

Of course, if you get requests for fulls, and a LOT of passes that say "the second half was a let down"
you'll know you need to work on keeping the stakes for Adam high, and building tension.


Sunday, June 15, 2014

#259-Revised 3x

Third revision

 THE GIRL IN THE JITTERBUG DRESS is the parallel story of two young women struggling with love, loss, and redemption, united across generations by a 1940's swing dress.

June, a 17 year-old ingénue, graduating early, finds herself face to face with one of her deepest desires. Dance. Couples dancing. She'd always wanted to learn. A subculture of classic cocktails, nostalgic fashion, and dance halls, open a whole new world to June. And the vintage gab skirt wrapping around her warm thighs on a crowded dance floor, awakens her repressed sexuality.


I had to look up "gab skirt" and how someone is going to dance in that I do not know but that's beside the point really.

We've got the first two requirements of a query here: who the main character is and what she wants.

When an accomplished dancer is injured before the international jitterbug contest, June is tapped to take her place. June struggles to overcome her undiagnosed panic disorder, win the contest, and not fall in love with James, her otherwise engaged dance partner.


And here is what's keeping her from getting what she wants, but you've buried it so completely it almost isn't there: her panic attacks.  If her panic disorder is undiagnosed, you need to show us how June feels, and convey that sense of panic.  And if she's that prone to anxiety, why did she agree to enter the contest?



Fifty years earlier in 1942, another 17 year-old jitterbug, Violet, leads the life June and her friends emulate. But Violet's life is not all malt shops and swirling skirts. Her life begins to unravel when she and her sailor beau, Charles, find her grifting father passed out on her doorstep, blood oozing from his head.

You've got the main character. You don't have anything else.



Dance becomes their refuge and language of love in the war town torn world. Charles’ battle group deploys before they can marry and his letters mysteriously stop arriving. Violet has no chance to tell him she's pregnant, and is forced to make the decision of a lifetime alone.

Mysteriously stop arriving? In a war? Why hasn't she drawn the most logical conclusion? He's dead. So, what does Violet want? What's keeping her from getting it? What's at stake?

And when I see typos like town/torn I almost always stop reading. This is something you should see when you revise.  When I see this kind of mistake, I know I'm going to see more like it in your novel and that's a big red flag for me.  I want to work with authors who are meticulous about their work.  Sure mistakes happen, and we've all reupholstered our guns one time or another, but in a query, you've got time to let something sit, to read it out loud, and do all the other tricks that help you find these bugaboos.



Half a century later, June brings a torn vintage dress into a tailor shop, a shop owned by Violet. Teary-eyed Violet recognizes the dress, hugging it to her body. It's the jitterbug dress she made and wore in the historical swing dance contest in 1942 with Charles.

Violet agrees to help fix the dress and coach June and her partner into a winning routine. At the contest, June finally lets go of all her fears when James kisses her and admits his feeling for her.

But there is one last act. June and James have arranged a guest of honor, a jitterbug lost to time. Charles. When he gathers Violet in his arms the years melt away. They find the love they lost as fiery as when they were young. Redemption, passion, and love, the perfect dance.


 Don't give away the entire book in a query. There's no reason to read the book if I know what happens.  The query should cover Act One AT THE MOST. Just the precipitating incident is often better.

The purpose of a query is to entice me to read the pages, not fill me in on the whole story.

There is absolutely no sense of zest or pizazz here. Dancing is fun, adrenaline fueled, and the spectre of war heightens everyone's sense of "party like there's no tomorrow" but we get NO sense of that here.  You can convey that through language and word choice, rhythm and style.  There was some great slang in the 40s that will elevate this without adding to the word count.


The novel is New Adult Fiction, 110,000 words with romantic and historical elements. Readers who enjoyed The Notebook, Water for Elephants, and Hotel at the Corner of Bitter and Sweet are the target audience.


I'm not sure you want to call this  New Adult. When you put your book in a category, you want to pick the one that has the most readers. For this book that would be women's fiction.  And you know that's the correct category because you chose comps that are ...ta daaa...women's fiction.

Being a Navy wife, Editor in Chief for Swivel: Vintage Living Magazine (out of print), and teaching vintage dances combined with years of writing about antique clothing, movies, and vintage sewing have given me a unique and studied perspective on my subject. I have been published in  LOTS OF PLACES and other small press magazines.

~ The past doesn't always stay in the past, sometimes it comes to life on the dance floor ~

You're still missing what's at stake, which makes me think your novel needs work, not your query. You must have something at stake for a novel to have any tension.  If you don't know what's at stake, chances are there isn't.  


----------------
Questionish:
I am confused about how much info I should reveal. I have given an alternative choice in red.

I know you said not to begin a query with a rhetorical question, but are they always taboo? It seems like some rhetorical questions can create tension or am I misunderstanding? Yes/No/Yes Rhetorical questions do not create tension. Tension by definition means something is at stake, something will change. Rhetorical questions are used in conversation to make a point.



A rhetorical question is: "Do you want me to kill you?"
A question that creates tension is "Why do you want me to kill you?"


Is it normal to feel like I'm getting worse? Yes. Revisions often involve two steps forward three steps back. Don't feel like a failure because of that. Just keep trying.


Dear QueryShark:

The past doesn't always stay in the past. Sometimes it comes to life on the dance floor.


Enter a world of big band jazz, dance halls, malt shops and meet
Violet's. Her life begins to unravel when she finds her alcoholic father on their doorstep, blood from a bullet wound oozing from his head.


For the first time you actually have an enticing sentence here to start the query.

Violet turns to her jitterbug sailor, Charles. Dance becomes their refuge and language of love in a war torn world.


And then you go splat.  There's NO connection between her wounded father and jitterbug Charlie. I'm interested in how her dad got wounded. You never mention it again.



AND when you open a query with a sentence, I assume it's and important part of the story.  If you never mention it again, that's Very Confusing.  I don't have to tell you that's Death in a query.

His battle group deploys before they can marry. When his war letters mysteriously stop arriving, Violet has no chance to tell him she's pregnant, and is forced to make the choice of a lifetime, alone.

splat.



Half a century later, another 17 year-old ingénue discovers dirty martinis, old jazz, vintage clothing and a skirt wrapping around a warm thigh on a crowded dance floor.

When an accomplished dancer is injured before the international jitterbug contest, June is tapped to take her place. June fights her fears and insecurities in the midst of discovering her recently deceased grandmother is not her biological one.
or Can June overcome her fears, win the contest and not to fall in love with her otherwise engaged dance partner?

While searching for her grandmother answers June finds an antique dress which leads her to Violet and the key to unlocking a fifty year old mystery.

THE GIRL IN THE JITTERBUG DRESS is the parallel story of two young women struggling with self-doubt, loss and redemption, united across generations by a 1940's swing dress.

THE GIRL IN THE JITTERBUG DRESS is Women's Fiction, 120,000 words. Readers who enjoyed The Notebook, Water for Elephants, and Hotel at the Corner of Bitter and Sweet, are the target audience.


Being a Navy wife, Editor in Chief for Swivel: Vintage Living Magazine, (out of print) and teaching vintage dances combined with years of writing about antique clothing, movies, sewing, and collecting have given me a unique and studied perspective on my subject. I have been published in "The Lucid Stone," "Red Dog Journal," "Spoken Word from Lalapalooza" and other small press magazines.

Thank you for your time and consideration.











The problem of what's at stake hasn't been solved. In The Notebook, the question is the basic one of a romance: will the boy and girl get together across all the challenges life has put in their way. Here, I'm not even sure who the main character is, let alone what they care about. Winning a dance contest isn't what's at stake. Finding out who grandma was isn't what's at stake. What's at stake are the CONSEQUENCES of wining/not winning, discovering/not discovering.

You've got to get the stakes on the page here. And I hope you've got them in the novel.


You might want to start with June, not Violet, in the query.


--------------------------- 


FIRST REVISION
 

Questions:


1. My rhetorical question was supposed to be a tagline. I read on another agent blog that I needed a logline and a tagline. Start with the tagline end with the logline? I have others like: "Sometimes the Past Doesn't Stay in the Past, Sometimes it Comes to Life on The Dance Floor." Should I forget about the tagline?

Yes.  I'm not sure I could tell you the difference between a log line and tagline. What I can tell you is that loglines are ways to express the concept of a novel, and it come from the film world where they love that kind of short hand thing, because in film it's NOT ABOUT THE WRITING.
A query is about the writing. Tell me about your story.


2. A couple of the comments said it was too long. Is it? 

Your word count right now is 452. A good taut query is 250. If you lose all the "platform" stuff at the end, you're down to 330.



3. I thought of my query letter as my blurb, but my new and improved query seems like it might be too much information? What do you think? 
You're throwing around terms here that have zero relevance to your query. Your query is the query. It's not the blurb. It's not the log line, it's not the tag line. It's not the Maginot Line.


4. I'm still confused my how much platform to include. Most of the blogs for writers drive the platform hard. So, how much do I say, if anything?
You don't need platform to write a novel. You don't need to tell me why you're qualified to write a novel.  All you have to do in a query is tell me about a story I want to read.  It's harder than it looks.



Dear QueryShark:

Enter Violet's world of big band jazz, dance halls and malt shops. Violet's mother has abandoned her and Violet's father. Violet must take care of her alcoholic when she finds him on their doorstep, a bullet wound oozing from his head. Her jitterbug boyfriend, Charles, tries to help, but Violet sends him away. 


Bullet wounds don't ooze, blood oozes. (This kind precision is what I look for in a query because it tells me the level of precision I can expect in the novel. I value precise elegant writing in EVERY genre and category.)

Why does Violet send Charles away?

 
The young lovers battle their fears about life, love and death. Dance becomes their refuge and language of love in a war torn world. Charles is called to duty before they can marry. When his war letters mysterious stop arriving, Violet has no chance to tell him she is pregnant, and no choice but to give their baby up for adoption. 
Ok a couple of word choices; Charles is called UP (not "to duty") if he's in the service.  You probably mean mysteriously, not mysterious.

And Violet DOES have a choice. By saying that she doesn't you squeeze every bit of tension out of the query in two words. This is A Bad Thing.  Violet has a choice, but what she chooses is to give up the baby. You might want to mention why.

 
Half a century later, another 17 year-old ingénue discovers dirty martinis, old jazz, vintage clothing and a skirt wrapping around a warm thigh on a crowded dance floor. The Lindy Hop becomes a vertical expression of her repressed sexuality. 
 
June discovers her recently deceased grandmother is not her biological one. While obsessed with finding her real grandmother, dealing with her anxiety disorder, and navigating college, she finds an antique jitterbug dress which may lead her to the one person she’s been looking for and an unexpected quest to find the woman’s long lost dance partner.
I've said before and I'll say again: the stakes here are not high enough to sustain my interest in reading this novel.  Complex family relationships need consequences if untangling them is the plot of the novel.



I haven't even gotten to all the cool stuff you do with dance at this point in the query, and if this was a query in my in-box, I'd stop reading here.  You MUST entice me to read the book before anything else.

 
The Girl in the Jitterbug dress is the parallel story of Violet and June: Violet, who races against her boyfriend's deployment and her grifting father to win a dance contest and tie the knot before WWII interrupts; and June, who half a century later struggles to find her biological grandmother and solve a fifty year old mystery. United across generations by a 1940s swing dress and their passion for dance.
 
The novel fits into the Women's Fiction category. Readers who enjoyed the parallel story structure and time era juxtapositions in The NotebookWater for Elephants, and Hotel at the Corner of Bitter and Sweet, will want to read The Girl in the Jitterbug Dress. The manuscript is complete at 120,000 words.
The Girl in the Jitterbug Dress is women's fiction, 120,000 words.  Readers who enjoyed (list all those books) are the target audience.

Say things simply with as few words as possible.
 
The chapter titles are song titles which reflect the mood of each chapter and are listed and linked on the soundtrack portion of the website <http://www.girlinthejitterbugdress.com/soundtracks/>  as well as a glossary for 1940s slang.
You absolutely do not need this in the query. All it does is take up space. At the query stage I'm looking at 3-5 pages, not chapters. I'm not going to your website to listen to the soundtrack, I'm reading your pages.
 
After my run as Editor in Chief for Swivel: Vintage Living Magazine (1996-1999, currently out of print) my dance blogs inspired a novel. Fifteen years of being a Navy wife and teaching vintage dances (1920s-1950s styles) combined with years of writing about antique clothing, movies, sewing, and collecting have given me a unique and studied perspective on my subject. I have been published in "The Lucid Stone," "Red Dog Journal," "Spoken Word from Lalapalooza" and various other small press magazines (some out of print). For my complete publishing credits, please see my resume.  <http://www.girlinthejitterbugdress.com/about-tam-francis/resume/>
 
Thank you for taking time to consider my novel.


Thank you for your time and consideration



The problem here is that the novel doesn't have high enough stakes to sustain interest. You can have all the pub credits in the world, and a lot of cool things that make you knowledgeable in your field but you MUST have a novel that I want to read first.


The problem isn't your query. It's the novel, or at least what you're telling me about the novel here.




Original ----------
Questions:

(1) I have been getting a one out of four response and request for ms. Is this good? Can I do better?

(2) I wasn't sure about listing publishing credits since they are smaller magazines and some out of print. Many of the queries in the archives lead me to believe NOT, but honestly, I'm not sure. You told one gal not to list her "college paper" credits or small obscure publications. You also told another person that living in France did not (alone) qualify or make them an expert to write about France.

(3) Looking for help.

(4) Is my (below) signature fine for contact info or should it be in the query body?


Dear QueryShark:


Can one dance change your life?


Don't open your query with a rhetorical question. Not now. Not ever.


Enter the world of a world of big band jazz, dance halls and malt shops. 17 year-old Violet struggles to balance her troubled father, seamstress job, and growing passion for a jitterbug sailor. He moves her to distraction by "expertly shifting his leg between hers, delicately pushing her into intricately guided dance steps.” 



This is description. It's not bad, but it's not all that interesting either. A world in and of itself is not enticing. What HAPPENS in that world can be enticing. What's really enticing though is tension, and while you allude to it here (struggles to balance) it's still pretty bland.


They race against his deployment and her grifting father, to win a dance contest, and tie the knot before WWII interrupts.

This might be the plot of an old movie but it's not all that enticing now. It's not enticing because it's not specific.

Fifty years later, June, another 17 year-old ingénue, discovers dirty martinis, old jazz, and her vintage skirt wrapping around her thighs on a crowded dance floor. Before leaving for college, June's mother drops a bombshell: her recently deceased grandmother is not her biological one.

Unless there's some huge amount of money or a life threatening hereditary condition involved: so what?



While researching her ancestry, navigating college, (work, school, dating), June finds an antique jitterbug dress which may lead her to the one person she’s been looking for, and an unexpected quest to find the woman’s long lost dance partner.



This sentence doesn't seem to relate to anything that came before it.  Who is she looking for? Bio-gramps?



THE GIRL IN THE JITTERBUG DRESS is the parallel story of two young women struggling with budding sexuality, new independence, and recent loss, united across generations by a 1940's swing dress.




None of those are things you mentioned before.  "New independence" --isn't Violet still emeshed with her grifting father? Budding sexuality? I didn't see any hint of that all unless you consider dancing to be vertical sex.  And recent loss? Again, nothing.




The novel fits into the Women's Literature category with Historical Fiction, and New Adult cross-over. 



NO NO NO. For a start, the category is women's fiction, not women's literature. There's no New Adult crossover here. Pick ONE category (and pick the one that has the largest amount of shelf space) and ONLY ONE.


If you enjoyed reading THE NOTEBOOK, WATER FOR ELEPHANTS and HOTEL AT THE CORNER OF BITTER AND SWEET, you will want to read THE GIRL IN THE JITTERBUG DRESS The manuscript is complete at 125,000 words.

I don't think of those books as comparable to each other at all, but ok. I also intensely dislike the form "if you enjoyed reading" because what you really want to say is "readers who enjoyed these books will like yours."




The first draft of a sequel, THE GIRL IN THE JITTERBUG DRESS HOPS THE ATLANTIC is also complete. The chapter titles are song titles which reflect the mood of each chapter and are listed and linked on the soundtrack portion of the website (website)



NO NO NO. You're wasting valuable space on something that doesn't belong in a query.  This is the stuff you put on your website if you must. And don't get ahead of yourself on a sequel.


With the success of "Dancing with the Stars," and "So You Think You Can Dance," this novel taps into America's renewed obsession with dancing, vintage fashion and nostalgia. In addition to its commercial appeal, THE GIRL IN THE JITTERBUG DRESS has a built-in niche market in the swing dance/vintage subculture community (networked by websites, clubs, camps, events contests and global communities). I am intimately connected with this community. Social networks (facebook, twitter, google+) as well as my novel website (website)  are well established.

Those are TV shows, not books. There's almost zero correlation between popular TV shows and sales of novels, unless the TV show star is involved.

After completing the run of my magazine, Swivel: Vintage Living, my dance blogs inspired a book. Fifteen years of being a Navy wife and teaching vintage dances (1920s-1950s styles) combined with years of writing about antique clothing, movies, sewing, and collecting have given me a unique and studied perspective on my subject. For my complete publishing credits, please see my resume.  (resume)



NO NO NO. List your publishing credits. Do NOT just put a link in the query.


Thank you for considering my novel.




You're too occupied with what you think you need (credentials, platform) and too light on what is really important: what is the novel about.  We have no sense of who June and Violet are. Because of that, we don't care.  And "your grandfather isn't who you think he is" is too low on the scale of what matters to be very interesting.  You need to raise the stakes here a LOT.







Answers to your questions:
(1) I have been getting a one out of four response and request for ms. Is this good? Can I do better?
Of course you can do better. You can get an offer of representation.  I don't know if you mean you're getting a request for a full for every four queries you send but if that is so, that's good.

(2) I wasn't sure about listing publishing credits since they are smaller magazines and some out of print. Many of the queries in the archives lead me to believe NOT, but honestly, I'm not sure. You told one gal not to list her "college paper" credits or small obscure publications. You also told another person that living in France did not (alone) qualify or make them an expert to write about France.
YOu can simply say you've been published in smaller magazines (some now out of print).

(3)Looking for help.
Well, here ya go.

(4) Is my (below) signature fine for contact info or should it be in the query body?
If you've read the archives you know the answer to this question.




Sunday, June 8, 2014

#258-Revised once

First Revision

(1) In my closing, should I include a "novel meets novel" line if I've written that it is a loose interpretation of the Arthurian legend?
No

(2) "Jules, who wants to strangle him, agrees," the him is Ulric. I just want to make sure that is clear. To my crit partner she thought it was the prince at first, because um, yeah, Jules wants to strangle lots of people.



It's not clear.


Dear Query Shark,
 
Jules was prepared for an in-and-out job: kill Queen Isabella, avenge parents, achieve happiness.
 
Exiled from Ronan following the execution of her parents, Jules plots the murder of the queen responsible. When she’s eighteen, she returns, but has her plans dashed after a brawl with the guards. Injured, she is forced to accept help from a magician and his pesky band of outlaws. Ulric, their leader, wants her to spy on the prince. Jules, who wants to strangle him, agrees.

You've got a lot of pronouns there at the end. I'm assuming Uliric is bothe the magician and the leader of the pesky band of outlaws? And the "he" that Jules wants to strangle is the Prince? Oh wait, no it isn't (see question above)


So, why does she want to strangle Ulric? Did he kick her dog?

 
Spying is easy. The hard part is actually liking the prince and his obscene turtle jokes. Revenge had always seemed like the only road, and now Jules begins to wonder if she’s gone too far down it. However, Ulric’s plans are already in motion and he is less inclined to take a detour. Armed with only her blades and her wit, Jules finds herself standing between Ulric, his magic, and the crown.

I thought she'd be standing between Ulric and the Prince. It's the Prince she likes, right? Why does this change her mind about the evil Queen? Many people fall in love with someone  who has an evil mother. There's a whole sub-genre of Borscht Belt jokes about that.
 
Wasteland, a YA fantasy novel, is complete at 96,000 words. It is a loose interpretation of the Arthurian legend. As per your request I’ve included --- sample pages. Thank you for your time and consideration. 

What's at stake? If she goes through with her revenge plot, what bad thing will happen? If she doesn't, what worse thing will happen?

Right now you've got a very chick-lit voice going on and that's all well and good but the best chick lit novels had stakes that really mattered to the characters, and thus to the readers.

Revise.
 


-------------------------------
(1) I'm concerned I've given away too much plot--please advise. 
(2) I know you advocate for short sentences, but do long sentences equal death?

Dear Query Shark,

Jules was prepared for an in-and-out job: kill Queen Isabella, avenge parents, achieve happiness.

This is good. Short, to-the-point, enticing.

The three step plan might as well have never existed once she ends up in a brawl with the queen’s guards. Now it is just a matter of time before Isabella realizes Jules was once the seven year old Juliana whose parents she executed for being magic users, the same Juliana she believes to be just as bad as all magicians and expressly ordered never to return to Ronan unless it was in handcuffs.

And splat. And I mean splat from a seven story fall, no trampoline, no net.  Look at that first sentence: The three step plan might as well have never existed once she ends up in a brawl with the queen’s guards.

Think of how much simpler this will all be with a sentence that is not so complex: Then she ends up in a brawl with the queen's guard.  

You're trying to be too fancy here. I can not over-emphasize the power and beauty of plain, simple sentences in a query.  Plain and simple is VERY hard to do well. 

And the second sentence is worse than the first. For starters, you've gone from something happening now (the brawl) to something happening years before. It's confusing. Confusing is bad. 

However, in eighteen years of life Jules hasn’t possessed so much as a magical toenail. Armed with only her blade and wits, she is forced to play nice with a band of magicians who share her murderous goal. The only problem is Jules’ three step plan was a one woman job and did not involve pretending to be a girl named Sybil, who happens to be the half sister of Prince William’s servant. And it certainly did not include crushing on William or hiding daggers in a ball gown (or wearing ball gowns, for that matter). 

This is where I stop reading. I don't know what the hell is going on here. Even if I stop skimming (and trust me, agents skim queries more often than not) and focus intently, I'm still confused. 

There's a formula for getting the elements of the plot into the right place in a query letter. I've mentioned it dozens of times here and it's elsewhere too.



"What does the protagonist want? What's keeping him/her from getting it? What choice/decision does he/she face? What terrible thing will happen if he chooses ____; what terrible thing will happen if he doesn't."

 OR 

"The main character must decide whether to ____. 
If s/he decides to do (this), the consequences/outcome/peril s/he faces are ____. 
If s/he decides NOT to do this: the consequences/outcome/peril s/he faces are ____."   



Torn between her growing feels for the prince and her revenge, the past repeats itself and Jules loses someone close to her seemingly at the queen’s hand. Set back on her vengeful path, it appears someone she thought she knew is getting ready to seize power in Ronan and she may have unwittingly carved the road to the throne.



The Sybil Project, a YA fantasy novel, is complete at 95,000 words. I believe it will appeal to fans of the BBC show Merlin and readers of … As per your request I’ve included … sample pages. Thank you for your time and consideration. 




Answers to your questions:



(1) I'm concerned I've given away too much plot--please advise.
I'm too confused to know what the plot is as yet. 



(2) I know you advocate for short sentences, but do long sentences equal death?

Long sentences do not equal death. BAD sentences equal death.  Shortening your sentences will help you stay on point. This isn't bad writing, it's just not polished yet.


It's clear you've got some verve under all this convoluted writing.  Get out of your own way and quit trying to be fancy. Your verve will show if you just write simple sentences.

Honestly I can hear you saying "but I want an agent to NOTICE me!"  Of course you do. Please please trust me when I tell you that a simple, elegant query is so rare in my inbox that should you achieve that, you will be noticed.  Fancy is over-rated unless it's in your choice of headgear.