tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post1374550325584334708..comments2024-03-16T01:00:59.945-04:00Comments on Query Shark: #140-revised twiceJanet Reidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00615380335938685231noreply@blogger.comBlogger14125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-19263672203117258352015-11-01T23:53:52.120-05:002015-11-01T23:53:52.120-05:00Very interesting premise. It reminded me of Animor...Very interesting premise. It reminded me of Animorphs a bit. The final revision was very good.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-74313363612537309672010-03-28T17:47:25.654-04:002010-03-28T17:47:25.654-04:00Great suggestions, brief and to the point. Even if...Great suggestions, brief and to the point. Even if arguable — you're the expert after all. That's why the errors of fact and style are particularly bothersome. <br /><br />First, the link you've provided to an explanation of ellipses gives the absolutely wrong advice. US English punctuation rules DO NOT put spaces between ellipses, though British Eng. might. <br /><br />Chicago style (not MLA) is the preferred standard in book publishing, with the proscription that an ellipsis […] may (or may not) be preceded or followed by a space, but the dots DO NOT have spaces between them.<br /><br />Your computer will make them for you: in any Windows program with or in Word with FWIW.<br /><br />Second, "myth" does not mean untruth. It may be too often used that way (a meaning-reversing Judeo-Christian connotation), but the author who used it in his query has used it correctly. <br /><br />The first definition is a legendary narrative [legends can be true or untrue], often featuring demons and deities. <br /><br />As a professional editor, these things are _my_ expertise.<br /><br />Thanks for letting me correct the shark!Kath Autohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12429860985291596714noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-26195335239862160382010-02-09T12:52:31.442-05:002010-02-09T12:52:31.442-05:00I would also encourage the writer to do some resea...I would also encourage the writer to do some research on trauma, as the notion that a lack of memory indicates an absence of trauma is completely false. Even if she had no memory of the event, she would still be traumatized by the attack. The lack of memory is in fact a product of the severe trauma. Even if she was knocked unconscious before the beating, attack, kerfuffle, whatev., ensued, she would still be traumatized. It's called muscle memory, cellular memory, etc.<br /><br />See: Waking the Tiger, Peter Levine. Also Wilhelm Reich, if you can bear to wander through his antiquated language.Katehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05843532861420448773noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-26462220247895203272010-01-13T14:04:54.933-05:002010-01-13T14:04:54.933-05:00Revision number one is a huge improvement. It rea...Revision number one is a huge improvement. It reads smoothly and I can see the story. However I also don't find it very compelling. Tell me why I should love Claire? What is it about her, her journey, her obstacles that will grab me? She comes off as kind of bland - a follower of other people rather than someone forging her own story.<br /><br />Still, good job on the changes. You are definitely going in the right direction.Lehcarjthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17171145477602995121noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-9561544408738654492010-01-03T16:34:45.834-05:002010-01-03T16:34:45.834-05:00Yeah, character list: bad. Not only do I not see t...Yeah, character list: bad. Not only do I not see the relevance of the characters in the story, but it just takes up more space.<br /><br />I second Souther Writer's "where" comment, it threw me off track to see if I was reading correctly.<br /><br />But I like the premise. I'd definitely check it out.à la vanillehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14540464213833305365noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-28469383004290208192010-01-03T08:59:37.011-05:002010-01-03T08:59:37.011-05:00I'd really like to see the conflict between th...I'd really like to see the conflict between the characters. Take the other characters out of their cliches and show/tell their conflict with Claire.<br /><br />Intriguing concept. I'd like to see how your revisions go.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-86325866428764211842010-01-03T07:10:30.773-05:002010-01-03T07:10:30.773-05:00While trying to uncover who is behind the seemingl...<i>While trying to uncover who is behind the seemingly random acts of vandalism that are plaguing her family...</i><br /><br />The ancient animal spirit did it. <br /><br />Also, watch those typos. It's "WHERE nothing may be as it seems," except leave out the "may": She is part of a whole new world were nothing is as it seems. <br /><br />At least this story doesn't sound like a cookie cutter. Good luck with your edits.astrologymemphis.blogspot.comhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08094432734141490681noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-24663258934033995202010-01-02T15:30:57.489-05:002010-01-02T15:30:57.489-05:00I think this querier fell into the trap of "t...I think this querier fell into the trap of "trying to make everything sound smooth like advertising copy or one of those movie trailers where the guy bellows 'IN A WORLD WHERE FANTASIES BECOME REALITY...'" and neglected to actually tell you anything that happened in the book.<br /><br />Saying what happens in the book is much more important than using marketing buzzwords, yes?JShttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13974691019739092440noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-86039908605264441072010-01-02T14:02:29.177-05:002010-01-02T14:02:29.177-05:00"I chose to submit to you because of your won..."I chose to submit to you because of your wonderful taste in young adult fantasy."<br /><br />I was under the impression that it was better to say something like, "Because of your interest in YA fantasy with a strong female character, this manuscript would be perfect for your agency." Better yet would be to name someone they represent who writes similar (but not too similar) types of books because it shows that the writer has done his/her homework and that there's compatibility between agent and author.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-74029033232814418312010-01-02T13:58:23.158-05:002010-01-02T13:58:23.158-05:00Author, I think if you re-read the structure of th...Author, I think if you re-read the structure of the sentences in the query, make them more pointed instead of trying to elude to something more, you might be on a better track. e.g. instead of:<br />A near death experience during her senior year of high school leaves her open to becoming the guardian to an ancient animal spirit, Claire must learn to accept the newly developing magic inside of herself and find the hidden strength she never knew she had.<br />Use: Little does she know her near death experience forms an irreversible connection with her as the guardian spirit of the ancient chupacabra. Once Claire discovers the magic burning deep within, she's forced to accept her place in a world she thought only existed in fairytales. Finding inner strength to enhance her new magical abilities, she must fight to protect her family or suffer the brute retaliatory force of the evil Northern Yeti.<br />...or something like that.<br />Also, the characters you mention have very contradictory characteristics. I find it hard to believe someone to be a fun-loving, good-time girl who's been terribly alone the majority of her years. Would it be better to describe her as someone "desperately trying to mask their overwhelming sense of loneliness through a put-on gregarious outward persona"?Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-72896040875272532322010-01-02T12:10:21.407-05:002010-01-02T12:10:21.407-05:00I thought "hidden strength she never knew she...I thought "hidden strength she never knew she had" was either redundant or revealed a gross misapprehension of the meaning of "hidden".<br /><br />I like the animal spirit idea. More about that please, as in, what does it do? How can/should Claire use the spirit? <br /><br />Lists of characters=bad. If I tried to describe my characters in six words or fewer they'd sound just as silly, so let's avoid that.<br /><br />Glad to see the shark is swimming again and out for blood!lora96https://www.blogger.com/profile/08171062741089674769noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-21915497152208478712010-01-02T11:50:50.712-05:002010-01-02T11:50:50.712-05:00"...find the hidden strength she never knew s...<i>"...find the hidden strength she never knew she had."</i><br /><br />This is where I initially stopped. I only kept reading to see if there was any redemption and/or something else to nitpick.<br /><br />I found neither.<br /><br />Good luck with your revisions. Janet's advice is spot on, as usual.Lydia Sharphttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15328254761920829040noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-84754161575217904012010-01-02T11:39:06.948-05:002010-01-02T11:39:06.948-05:00It seems to me that if those other characters were...It seems to me that if those other characters were important enough to add to the query, they'd have a place in the action of the summary and not just tacked into a laundry list.<br /><br />I do like the description of the MC, though. "chronically-shy mess living anything but a fairytale life" is pretty good.Josin L. McQueinhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05751043333147850336noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-66706583169283218192010-01-02T11:00:52.080-05:002010-01-02T11:00:52.080-05:00I really like the idea of Claire being responsible...I really like the idea of Claire being responsible for an ancient animal spirit. That strikes me as interesting and different.<br /><br />However, I agree that the paragraph describing the other characters kill it for me because as QS said they are all 100% cliches. While cutting this paragraph will help the query, I think you need to have a hard look at the story itself to make sure this isn't a deeper problem.Lehcarjthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17171145477602995121noreply@blogger.com