tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post2097466679416799822..comments2024-03-16T01:00:59.945-04:00Comments on Query Shark: #191-revised 3x for the WinJanet Reidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00615380335938685231noreply@blogger.comBlogger55125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-43560710448758724852011-12-20T01:06:59.091-05:002011-12-20T01:06:59.091-05:00Well, I wanna read that! The thing that IS overdon...Well, I wanna read that! The thing that IS overdone is where the girl sees her mother's face in a portrait and it really is some ancestor, and the ghost of that ancestor is haunting the place, yada yada yada...but to look at the portrait and it really IS her mother, now that's an original idea. I would read it.Jane Mariehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15503008712277275035noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-91425702624762841142011-01-21T08:52:46.408-05:002011-01-21T08:52:46.408-05:00Rev 3 - The best part of this query for me has alw...Rev 3 - The best part of this query for me has always been the voice. <br /><br />I'm glad she managed to infuse the whole query with it. <br /><br />I like the finished product. I hope your book has the same quality to it.<br /><br />Good for you.<br /><br />Word verification: qualetiStephanie Barrhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17772217449161603561noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-12079917554976933192011-01-13T15:37:22.243-05:002011-01-13T15:37:22.243-05:00This has the most incredibly helpful site about qu...This has the most incredibly helpful site about queries I have come across. The wealth of information here is sickening! I've been reading the archives, the comments, everything on this site, and my query is developing. I will submit for review. I hope it makes a grade.<br /><br />I think some of the most useful pieces of advice are to sit on the query for 1-7 nights and then look at it again. I've done this and keep finding ways to change it every time I look at it. <br /><br />Also, printing it out. It's amazing to me, as I have been working on my first manuscript, how very very different it reads when you have a tangible copy in your hands. What sounds good on the monitor does not read out so well on paper. What a massive difference!<br /><br />I can't help but wonder - how many of these queries I've been reading back over the past few years actually ended up as published books with a major publishing house?<br /><br />I think I need to Google more.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-13003164258029901212011-01-10T10:43:23.270-05:002011-01-10T10:43:23.270-05:00Thanks, Stephanie-
You're absolutely right. Tr...Thanks, Stephanie-<br />You're absolutely right. Training seems to strike the wrong chord. Preparing might be better, but I'm going to try to dump it altogether. <br /><br />Thanks also for the compliment on the voice. Hope has a mouth on her, unfortunately. I can't stop her. :)Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-27960671125639795312011-01-10T09:44:50.744-05:002011-01-10T09:44:50.744-05:001/9/2011 Rev - I like the voice, particularly in t...1/9/2011 Rev - I like the voice, particularly in the first two paragraphs. I like the idea, which says something since most time travel yarns leave me cold. <br /><br />What I'm still struggling with is this "training" for going back in time with other time travelers (which, for some reason, argues secrecy and keeping to the group concept) and a "budding romance" with someone "normal" in her local area. Yes, he turns out to be a criminal timetraveler of the same ilk, but that possibility surely struck someone else. <br /><br />Deleting the references to training might resolve that, at least in the query so that the reference to normalness in the here and now doesn't strike anyone as, well, contrived.Stephanie Barrhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17772217449161603561noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-22632227056912936562011-01-10T08:14:58.641-05:002011-01-10T08:14:58.641-05:00Thank you so much, Theresa. I'm sure trying. J...Thank you so much, Theresa. I'm sure trying. Janet said she hoped I was polishing the novel as much as the query. I am polishing the novel ten times more than the query. That's probably true for most of us. We scrub that novel till you could eat off of it. To me, it's harder to clean those rascally queries. They are slippery little buggers. :)Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-58710827316302910812011-01-10T06:24:57.473-05:002011-01-10T06:24:57.473-05:00This query is definitely improved. I especially l...This query is definitely improved. I especially like the first paragraph. I can't wait to see what you come up with for the next one.Theresa Milsteinhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03477761307315565259noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-25484864214092579472011-01-04T22:08:37.025-05:002011-01-04T22:08:37.025-05:00Janet B Taylor,
A quick observation that you may ...Janet B Taylor,<br /><br />A quick observation that you may want to look into...<br /><br />While libri is Latin for book, I believe that back in the day, they used to call a manuscript that was written on parchment "Codex".<br /><br />"Codex Atlantius"Giselehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12954959858871289162noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-56611341003679086702011-01-04T21:12:30.418-05:002011-01-04T21:12:30.418-05:00Hi batgirl,
yes it means book of Atlantis.Hi batgirl, <br />yes it means book of Atlantis.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-43609834762135992272011-01-04T20:05:43.291-05:002011-01-04T20:05:43.291-05:00I know this is super-picky, but my small Latin stu...I know this is super-picky, but my small Latin stumbled over Libri Atlantius. Is that meant to be 'book of Atlantis'?batgirlhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15143310557906978680noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-8642021663616520002011-01-03T14:34:10.721-05:002011-01-03T14:34:10.721-05:00Gisele
Thanks so much. See. That is where I'm ...Gisele<br />Thanks so much. See. That is where I'm confused. On the first query, I put in the logline. That is what they often recommend. I guess I just need to find a happy medium. Your advice is wonderful and much appreciated! I'm so new at this.. You guys are great to help!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-55881964561922499212011-01-03T14:22:04.506-05:002011-01-03T14:22:04.506-05:00Re 1/2/11
Writer, you've got me hooked. This...Re 1/2/11<br /><br />Writer, you've got me hooked. This is a strong, intriguing and adventurous story. I look forward to reading your book. <br /><br />Now, let's get to my take on your query.<br /><br />Everyone has a past, baggage and key moments that define a lifetime. Indeed, readers willingly engage in the a priori understanding that past actions define the character's present choices. No need to explain. 'Tis good news, rejoice! That is one hurdle the query doesn't need to overcome. <br /><br />Don't waist your precious 250 words on getting the reader up to speed with the character's background or set up. The time for that will come later, with the book. For now, the job is to get the agent to want to read the manuscript.<br /><br />Query means action! <br /><br />In this query, I'd take out all the info about the freakin' earthquake, the grieving over the dead mom, the pain killer addiction. Two reasons: It's background info and it's a downer. Also, how she got to the Highlands is irrelevant at this point. All this stuff can wait.<br /><br />I'd jump right in with the time traveling action. This is where I'd start your query:<br /><br />----------> (Hope finds out that) her mom is not dead. She is trapped in the past, in the year 1543, and Hope is needed to bring her back. She joins the team of new recruits to the society of Viators, time travelelers, as they prepare for the longest road trip ever.<br /><br />And just expand it from there...<br /><br />Good luck!Giselehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12954959858871289162noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-57133486755258253472011-01-03T10:09:00.386-05:002011-01-03T10:09:00.386-05:00Ouch.. Gonna need a lot of band-aids after that on...Ouch.. Gonna need a lot of band-aids after that one. I thought it needed more clarification. I over-did. Query letters are harder, much harder, I believe-than writing the novel itself. <br />I will do by 100% best on the next revision. No hurrying. <br />I cannot thank all of you enough for the encouragement and the suggestions. Have a beautiful day. :)Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-88796125109720436992011-01-02T23:06:12.197-05:002011-01-02T23:06:12.197-05:00Wow, I learned a lot from reading the Shark's ...Wow, I learned a lot from reading the Shark's take on this new version.<br /><br />Somehow it's more intimate, more near, and made me "see" the standard a bit better.<br /><br />Author, let's get your third version in--but not to soon. Spend some time polishing, maybe even a week or so. A query should not be finished in an afternoon considering its importance in the process.<br /><br />Though there's something to be said for "fail early, fail often" :PM. G. E.https://www.blogger.com/profile/08995766358224581297noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-21165080797631820252010-12-31T10:44:49.573-05:002010-12-31T10:44:49.573-05:00Janet Taylor, I'd definitely browse through th...Janet Taylor, I'd definitely browse through the book based on a jacket blurb like this. I love historicals.I love time travel and I like a little mystery.<br /><br />I'd give the twist a bit more than going to save her mother.<br /><br />Re being compared to Diana Gabaldon, I wouldn't worry about it unless you have an MC who travels back to Scotland and falls in love with a hunky Scotsman. You have a very different story here.<br /><br />The log line thing is throwing me for a loop, though. I can't even count how many times I have heard people advise query letter writers to come up with a fascinating log line and lead with that. <br /><br />Blog time, methinks.Julie Weathershttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13725236516593676381noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-75308390344236939862010-12-23T21:51:58.495-05:002010-12-23T21:51:58.495-05:00Oh Poo!! I kinda found it interesting. I'd lo...Oh Poo!! I kinda found it interesting. I'd love to read it. Keep going, dear,Kim Kouskihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15988055024196149433noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-34866613210122030122010-12-21T22:20:07.064-05:002010-12-21T22:20:07.064-05:00Actually, the revised query makes me want to read ...Actually, the revised query makes me want to read the book, so there's a nice compliment for the author. <br /><br />I agree that Henry 8 has been written about extensively, but it's a great time period and no matter how much I read about it, I keep wanting more. So the time period isn't a problem to me. <br /><br />I also agree that getting your mother back isn't really massive motivation, but having said that my parents just spilt up (a 30 year marriage) and I'd give anything to go back two months and stop that. So, maybe the seriousness of the motivation depends on the reader too? <br /><br />The story did remind me a little of Jasper Fforde's Chronoguard, from his Thursday Next series. They patrol time, making sure it stays the same. That's a humourous fantasy novel though, where this sounds more like a young adult historical romance. <br /><br />Good luck with the query and publication, I'll keep an eye out for it!Jess the Readerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11671684136671371294noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-56072157655281665662010-12-20T12:38:50.232-05:002010-12-20T12:38:50.232-05:00Honestly, if I read this query on a book jacket, I...Honestly, if I read this query on a book jacket, I'd want to read it. And I knew several girls in high school that were obsessed with Henry VIII. It's overdone because it's interesting, and there's lots of people who will read several books about that time period.Brihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01192275370647614952noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-28881080844203412782010-12-18T10:36:04.251-05:002010-12-18T10:36:04.251-05:00I like the general idea; the opening sentence at l...I like the general idea; the opening sentence at least caught my attention. But the Query Shark has a point- pick a more interesting time period! Also, give us an idea of the complications, instead of just your one antagonist. Why was he sent to stop them? Does he have goals of his own? <br /><br />I feel like I would read this book, but I'd need to know more about it. I'm not quite enchanted yet.bzyglowihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11564099205654636171noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-8841323360647053782010-12-17T03:41:45.246-05:002010-12-17T03:41:45.246-05:00Hi Janet (B Taylor),
If it's the time period t...Hi Janet (B Taylor),<br />If it's the time period that's important rather than Henry, you could refer to it as 'Tudor' England.<br />Although, for my part, time-travellers with cops/watchmen/ordinators following and/or trying to stop them 'because' is a little old hat, but then so were vampires before Stephanie made them sparkle. It seems that the general concenus of comments here like your premise so you'd be silly not to carry it through - which I'm sure you will. If you can put a fresh twist on a well-used theme, then all the power to you. Best of luck.Mehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03112439867635781777noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-13855684060269421352010-12-15T13:53:53.011-05:002010-12-15T13:53:53.011-05:00sounds like a fabulous book. I'd want to read ...sounds like a fabulous book. I'd want to read it. I like the way the shark edited the query. You should keep it :)Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-90111593571176202432010-12-15T09:54:35.095-05:002010-12-15T09:54:35.095-05:00Janet Taylor--
The first half of your query made ...Janet Taylor--<br /><br />The first half of your query made me want to read your story. The second half (Scottish Highlands) changed my mind. Not knowing how your story unfolds, I can't really offer suggestions, but I'm sure you can fix this up into a winning query. <br /><br />One little nit: You don't need "foreign" to modify earthquake. It might be important in your story, but it has no context in your query. I'd just leave it at 'killed in an earthquake'.<br /><br />If you haven't done so already, workshop your query on absolutewrite.com > share your work > query letter hell. And workshop your MS on TheNextBigWriter.<br /><br />Good luck.<br /><br />OceanOcean Archerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06354450101045076386noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-70409657128588303362010-12-14T13:36:50.038-05:002010-12-14T13:36:50.038-05:00Hi guys--I'm the author,
Thank you all so much...Hi guys--I'm the author,<br />Thank you all so much for your comments. <br />I cannot tell you how much your ideas are helping.<br /><br />I have a very specific reason for picking this time period, which actually has little to do with the royals of the time. (Although they do travel to Hampton Court) I should have omitted "King Henry 8 Court." That obviously led readers to get the incorrect impression that the king, queen etc. are heavily involved in the story. That is my fault. <br />The most relevant historical character is a man named Dr. John Dee. A fascinating man, but not exactly a household name. <br />I need to work on that, especially since he is such a major part of the Timeslippers big plot. I wasn't sure how much of that to get into. I wanted to follow the rules and deal mostly with Hope and her primary issues. <br />Again, thank you all so much. It means the world to me.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-62567983600558718692010-12-14T07:45:50.862-05:002010-12-14T07:45:50.862-05:00As I Scot, I feel duty bound to mention that Henry...As I Scot, I feel duty bound to mention that Henry VIII was King of England, not Scotland, so Alex Cameron wouldn't have been answerable to his court.<br /><br />You might well be aware of this already, and if so, apologies for insulting your intelligence. You might've woven a justification into the plot, or maybe you've decided to sacrifice realism in favour of a good story, but don't forget that if you're attracting amateur history buffs, this might jar with some.Unknownhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17172984767160800557noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-43380199926341893002010-12-14T00:26:11.329-05:002010-12-14T00:26:11.329-05:00Besides going with the Shark's revised layout,...Besides going with the Shark's revised layout, I'd find a way to drop the sentence "She was wrong." <br /><br />191, time travel is not one of my favorite story elements. But, since you're going with it, don't be discouraged by the inevitable chorus that you've chosen a time in history that is "too dull" or "done to death". <br /><br />Off the top of my head, I remember these objections being raised in various online beta groups, message boards and chat rooms against World War II, World War I, the Civil War, the presidency of JFK, the gangster days of Al Capone, the California Gold Rush of 1849, the American Revolution, the French Revolution, the Russian Revolution, medieval Scotland, feudal Japan, the Reconquista, the Norman Conquest of England, ancient Rome, ancient Egypt and ancient Greece. <br /><br />There are reasons why there aren't lots of stories about heroines travelling back in time to fall in love with leech-gatherers in the third century B.C. The most popular historical settings tend to be those that are the most exciting (which in the study of history, often means "violent"), as well as the most well-documented. In the end, you have to go with what excites you. The test of your writing is to make it exciting for whoever's reading your story --- and your query letter.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com