tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post3862676247610677883..comments2024-03-16T01:00:59.945-04:00Comments on Query Shark: #142-RevisedJanet Reidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00615380335938685231noreply@blogger.comBlogger27125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-34823306667249083912015-11-02T23:43:03.162-05:002015-11-02T23:43:03.162-05:00I second that Betsy. It sounds very similar to my ...I second that Betsy. It sounds very similar to my first query. I loved my book so much I couldn't see the errors. There is a story in there, but it is masked by the "freshness" of that first novel. I hope things worked out for the author.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-37548950505168924452010-04-10T12:03:07.021-04:002010-04-10T12:03:07.021-04:00Congratulations for putting yourself out there.
I...Congratulations for putting yourself out there.<br /><br />I don't understand how the fruit only produces hallucinogenic properties with a generic brand of cereal. Is it a preservative in the cereal? Your drug kingdom would have to be local since as far as I know we don't have any national grocery store chains. And if it's a preservative then once it became known, they'd simply pull it from the shelves. <br /><br />So you'd have to stock pile it and sell both the fruit and cereal together? Which has great potential. I mean that's funny. I can see a rough drug dealer type, pulling open his trench coat to flash ziploc bags of cereal and fruit, but it might need more thought and development to bring it home. Or perhaps it's a script and not a novel?laughingpawshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05777185604211167539noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-76446049631772571802010-02-20T21:56:57.972-05:002010-02-20T21:56:57.972-05:00I hate to be the one to point this out Query Shark...I hate to be the one to point this out Query Shark, but at the top of the Query you said,"Or is this intended to be invoke the start of a...." If I'm not mistaken, the word "be" should not be there. I know, I know, my wife says I'm a freek about these things!Unknownhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18026000198886446202noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-19448636720954526462010-01-12T00:13:16.581-05:002010-01-12T00:13:16.581-05:00Perhaps this was sent out by a service? That could...Perhaps this was sent out by a service? That could account for the third person.Sarah Laurensonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09252565450452195395noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-55158678397357299152010-01-11T18:43:44.980-05:002010-01-11T18:43:44.980-05:00This reads as if the writer has just completed a c...This reads as if the writer has just completed a course in creative writing during which he heard the admonishment: “write what you know” one too many times. He graduated college recently, is a bit confused about the choices laid out before him and has dreamt of something a bit more exciting than what is currently available. The plot (?) of the story seems vaguely familiar or at least derivative. College kids nearing graduation are frightened by possibility of no longer being “kids”, having to assume adult responsibilities, finding a job, etc. They discover some magic get rich quick scheme and…well; we’ve all read this story, haven’t we? <br /><br />The author seems a bit sold on himself. Perhaps it is time to return to the drawing board and rethink not only the query, but the story itself. Sorry, if this is harsh, but sometimes we all need a good wakeup call.Irene Troyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11839666907158210573noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-52046093816331801942010-01-11T17:54:17.192-05:002010-01-11T17:54:17.192-05:00Attn: 142,
I'm interested in the strange fru...Attn: 142, <br /><br />I'm interested in the strange fruit from South America. Especially if there is some believable science-type explanation behind its hallucinogenic high.<br /><br />Do these kids perhaps land a multi-season reality t.v. deal?<br /><br />Can the hero go to South America with an aid organization (good suggestion Josin) and meet a goat?<br /><br />In your query rewrite, can you tell us the benefits of a fruit high?<br /><br />Thanks!Jenn McKayhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08096584277185808602noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-44614841771964437022010-01-11T17:38:07.886-05:002010-01-11T17:38:07.886-05:00I actually lost track of the number of cliched phr...I actually lost track of the number of cliched phrases (jump at the chance, once-in-a-lifetime) in this query. Given how many TENS OF THOUSANDS of query letters that pass the desks of some of our agent friends, it is critical that a query avoids cliches 'like the plague.'Jenna Wallacehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07591399291903261245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-49603469331409315052010-01-11T16:20:59.961-05:002010-01-11T16:20:59.961-05:00Just a thought, but if you tweak your set-up a bit...Just a thought, but if you tweak your set-up a bit, it might be easier to swallow the story line. <br /><br />A more believable reason for a college student/recent grad to be S. America would be work with an aid organization. Something like the Peace Corps, or something like Save the Children. There's also field work for an anthropological graduate study. Being attached to an environmental group bent on saving the rainforest could give the MC a way to access parts of the forest with unusual plants.<br /><br />Any of those are more plausible than "sabbatical", and someone on a charity or humanitarian trip might be able to rationalize the use of "drug money". Just like a student could claim they were harvesting the fruit for "research".Josin L. McQueinhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05751043333147850336noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-32169329775625181722010-01-11T16:00:31.599-05:002010-01-11T16:00:31.599-05:00College students don't take Sabbaticals. They...College students don't take Sabbaticals. They do have leaves of absence, but those aren't for kicks. People usually take those when they need to take time off for personal, medical, financial or family reasons.<br /><br />Was this student, perhaps, studying abroad in South America?<br /><br />"Seeing a once-in-a-lifetime way out of all of their problems, they ready themselves for the trials of building a fruit-drug empire that will span the country, entangle them with an ever-widening cast of nefarious characters, and bring excitement and troubles they never dreamed of facing." This sentence is a problem.<br /><br />a) No matter how great this once in a lifetime oppurtunity is, if it involves and "ever-widening cast of nefarious characters" and "troubles [I] never dreamed of facing," I'm out. So, these people probably saw neither of those aspects coming; ergo, they could not ready themselves for them.<br /><br />b) It's a tad far-fetched, not matter how great the drug is, to claim that four college kids would decide to "build a fruit-drug empire that will span the country." That's a complex process, and not something many people could pull off, even if they wanted to. No matter how great the drug was, I don't think most people's minds would go to the "Oh my god, let's make a huge national drug empire!" place. That's a bit weird.<br /><br />c) If things happen without the characters planning for them (ie: they become drug lords without planning on it, they didn't expect to meet a huge array of wicked and nefarious people, etc) or are a ton of things "they never dreamed of facing", they could not prep themselves for these things.Kelsey (Dominique) Ridgehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10646757546422013401noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-19378997171023671072010-01-11T15:53:01.823-05:002010-01-11T15:53:01.823-05:00The first sentence is incredibly long, too. Yikes....The first sentence is incredibly long, too. Yikes.<br /><br />But I laughed at "fruit-drug empire." Too bad it's not supposed to be funny, right?Rachelhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17404561517891889325noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-83897653654277295662010-01-11T15:04:03.821-05:002010-01-11T15:04:03.821-05:00@Kregger,
It almost sounded like we shouldn't ...@Kregger,<br />It almost sounded like we shouldn't feed the BOOK to a goat; the author needs to reword that!<br /><br />I see some potential but I can't see this working as a comedy. As QS said, a query letter for a comedy needs to be funny, and this one just doesn't quite tickle my funny bone. And a novel about illegal drugs doesn't make me think "comedy": maybe the drug concept could be revised into a fruit-extract wonder vitamin or something? Then the college students would be merely con artists, not drug dealers. I can have sympathy for and be amused by a con artist (if he/she is actually funny and not dangerous) but a drug dealer? No way.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-37326696890516674902010-01-11T12:03:45.473-05:002010-01-11T12:03:45.473-05:00Yikes!
Kudos to Ms. Query Shark, for her excellen...Yikes!<br /><br />Kudos to Ms. Query Shark, for her excellent examples. I may not be able to write an effective query, but I have learned how to recognize errors in other submitted query's. I am one step closer.<br />What I want to know, who or what would we feed to the goat?Kreggerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07229620504046221727noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-12996490724861028472010-01-11T11:39:38.854-05:002010-01-11T11:39:38.854-05:00I think I'm finally getting the hang of this. ...I think I'm finally getting the hang of this. Didn't even have to read it. Word count too long, looks like a synopsis. Duh nah....dah nah...dah na..Da nuh.Duh naaaa...(suspenseful mu cis score reaches crescendo) Form Rejection! ;)Sean Patrick Reardonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14051252366031997054noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-71621220164559775352010-01-11T11:35:24.074-05:002010-01-11T11:35:24.074-05:00Y'know, dealing drugs is both a crime and mora...Y'know, dealing drugs is both a crime and morally questionable.<br /><br />That doesn't mean it's not a fit subject for a novel-- but I'd like to see evidence in the query letter that the writer is at least aware that this is the case.<br /><br />And it will affect reader sympathy.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-1806256331188505142010-01-11T10:52:27.985-05:002010-01-11T10:52:27.985-05:00Who is the main character? Even if they are a grou...Who is the main character? Even if they are a group of college kids there is still a point of view. Perhaps this would work if you gave me the story from on POV. <br />Like: when Scott returned from South America with a newly discovered fruit that causes hallucinations he decides to corner the market and start his own drug empire. Joined by three friends they confront ....whatever.<br />I think as is your letter is too general. You need to give specifics that will scare me. What's the danger? Is a drug king-pin hunting these kids? Does the drug/fruit kill people? What's the excitement? What's the danger?Aimlesswriterhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03012050763172251381noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-37042879968290297122010-01-11T10:45:31.739-05:002010-01-11T10:45:31.739-05:00I have a hard time believing that college kids who...I have a hard time believing that college kids who don't want to work (as we are told five times) and reject "corporate hypocrisy/boredom" are suddenly motivated to build a fruit empire. <br /><br />It seems to me there are several better ideas that could develop from a college student's discovery of a new drug, but not with the characters hinted at in the queryDeep Riverhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03965323059416105131noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-71654885149417130772010-01-11T10:41:09.704-05:002010-01-11T10:41:09.704-05:00@ Josin - Lehcarjt thinks that was so funny that ...@ Josin - Lehcarjt thinks that was so funny that she now has to wipe her cereal off her keyboard. She thanks you for the moment of hilarity.Lehcarjthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17171145477602995121noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-64072011247379844862010-01-11T10:33:47.094-05:002010-01-11T10:33:47.094-05:00Attn writer:
Josie thinks that talking about your...Attn writer:<br /><br />Josie thinks that talking about yourself in the 3rd person makes it seem like someone else wrote the query and submitted it for you. She thinks it's not only awkward, but a generally bad idea. This poster agrees with QS.<br /><br />It's also a wonder to Josie that the writer thinks there needs to be more than one intro to the query. Not only is it redundant, but it's a meaningless waste of space used to repeat something that's already been said. In other words, it's repetitious for no good reason.<br /><br />This poster also wonders why that first intro is so long. It's stretched out like taffy into a contradictory conclusion ("tireless" and "easy living" do not go together).<br /><br />Josie's also starting to wonder if she's seen too many movies with the Rock in them because the writer's "wonder drug" sounds like the running gag from "The Rundown".<br /><br />Why are you calling it a drug when it's a fruit extract? It wouldn't be illegal to sell (especially not as a new discovery). You might get stuck with a duty or a "no foreign fruits" problem at the air port/border, but that's it.<br /><br />Not a funny query, and how is this possibly enough material for a trilogy? (Did you realize you were starting with "drugs"? If it's "Sex, Drugs, and Rock 'N' Roll, shouldn't you start with "sex"? Or at least start with it after you toss the cliche title?)<br /><br />That is all.Josin L. McQueinhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05751043333147850336noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-71234571912869633652010-01-11T10:29:02.335-05:002010-01-11T10:29:02.335-05:00I guess I need to go to South America.
Good Luc...I guess I need to go to South America. <br /><br />Good Luck with revisions.Shelly https://www.blogger.com/profile/01111556226010142607noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-85997709886947932052010-01-11T10:09:59.117-05:002010-01-11T10:09:59.117-05:00Fruit mixed with cereal creates hallucinogenic pro...Fruit mixed with cereal creates hallucinogenic properties? Pass me another bowl of raisen bran.Lanettehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16250426387059799179noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-23379253492173071172010-01-11T10:00:13.383-05:002010-01-11T10:00:13.383-05:00Well, I see many dodgy query letters battered in t...Well, I see many dodgy query letters battered in to submission on this blog, so there might be hope for this one yet. <br /><br />There are glimmers of an amusing novel in this letter, but I also see no plot. Hook us with what actually happens in your book and see the comments here change :).<br /><br />Good luck with your revisions.Suzehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06396823287745244542noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-63403414301013667312010-01-11T09:53:56.076-05:002010-01-11T09:53:56.076-05:00Bad query. Great example of what not to do. Thanks...Bad query. Great example of what not to do. Thanks to the SharkShane Stewarthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03083752184667795766noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-55072162441252407032010-01-11T09:52:46.588-05:002010-01-11T09:52:46.588-05:00Oh dear, this reads like "I just finished my ...Oh dear, this reads like "I just finished my novel and i can't wait to offer it to agents who will fall all over themselves to sell it to a publisher and make me a best seller and filthy rich -- all by June 2010.<br /><br />There might be potential here, but I can't see it.Betsy Ashtonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06871010122475160477noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-37069433909391317262010-01-11T09:52:19.773-05:002010-01-11T09:52:19.773-05:00I feel like the author focused on cramming in as m...I feel like the author focused on cramming in as many big words as possible and strayed from the actual story. I read through this three times, and the only plot I see is some friends find a new drug and sell it. That can be described in one sentence. What else happens?Rachel Menardhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10021632240283151780noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-9807505857396632662010-01-11T09:52:11.627-05:002010-01-11T09:52:11.627-05:00Maybe the fruit just didn't agree with them ;)...Maybe the fruit just didn't agree with them ;)Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13468481168414119225noreply@blogger.com