tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post4007245116858170735..comments2024-03-16T01:00:59.945-04:00Comments on Query Shark: #195-Revised 3xJanet Reidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00615380335938685231noreply@blogger.comBlogger55125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-84372024103433921342013-01-01T16:31:03.484-05:002013-01-01T16:31:03.484-05:00Query Shark, good advice. I don't think this w...Query Shark, good advice. I don't think this writer should jump either.<br /><br />This version is so much better. You've given me a greater sense of who your MC is and what's at stake.<br /><br />I think the problem with a few of the sentences is they're long without any commas, like QS says. Many could be reworded to flow better. When I first started writing seriously, I had the same problem. When people pointed out my many flaws, I not only had a hard time seeing them, I didn't know how to fix them. Over these 6+ years, I've read a few grammar books, taken a grammar class, read hundreds of novels, and written thousands of pages. I still don't have a novel published or even an agent, but I have published short stories, which means I've made progress. <br /><br />It all takes more work than I realized when I wrote my first horrible line, but it's also been more rewarding than I imagined. Hang in there.<br /><br />Happy New Year!Theresa Milsteinhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03477761307315565259noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-70318346296967720962012-12-21T09:51:02.466-05:002012-12-21T09:51:02.466-05:00Some of the newer elements of the story have an od...Some of the newer elements of the story have an oddly dated feel. For example, calling Zach a 'hacker'. Having a teen who could 'hack' computers to do impossible, plot-convenient things was a standard story trope of the 1990s. It doesn't make sense today. We're all too familiar with computers for anyone to buy it. Yes, there are still hackers and related communities (like 'hacktivists'), but they aren't really aligned with teen or youth culture, and they don't get famous. <br />'Rocker' also feels dated. There are lots of teens in bands, but they refer to their music by very specific genres (emo, screamo, electroswing, whatever.) I've never heard a modern teen refer to their music as 'hard rock, and certainly not themselves as a 'rocker'. They might as well call themselves a greaser or a hippie - it's a word form another era.<br />Lady Epsilonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11281419379992599515noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-81230897497528252202012-12-11T01:53:33.790-05:002012-12-11T01:53:33.790-05:00I know it's been said before, including by Ms ...I know it's been said before, including by Ms Shark, but you still haven't fixed it up and it's driving me insane.<br /><br />It is E=mc², not E=MC² . In Physics, the letters in equations stand for something specific, and M, m, C and c all stand for completely different things. With the capital M and C it makes no sense. The m represents mass and the c represents the speed of light in a vacuum. The C is an abbreviation for the unit coulomb and is used to denote a unit, rather than a variable or constant in an equation. The M is not a symbol used in Physics, but it is used in Chemistry a lot and stands for Molar Mass as a variable or Molar Concentration as a unit. Hence E=MC² makes absolutely no sense.<br /><br />I understand that if you're not a Physics person then it might seem trivial, but anyone who knows their Physics would be cringing when they read this, which is not a reaction you want when querying.<br /><br />I also hope your use of the equation as a 'happiness' equation is convincing. It is so fundamental a part of Physics that I simply cannot comprehend it being used as anything else. Remember that the equation is actually Energy = Mass X Speed of light squared. You can't just replace what the letters stand for and still have it be the same equation. Maybe you have done it elegantly, but from what I've read, it certainly doesn't seem like it. Maybe get a Physicsy friend to look over it for you.<br /><br />:)Ellahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08120850744615239710noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-24992095011649488282012-12-09T10:51:30.072-05:002012-12-09T10:51:30.072-05:00There are lots of clever-sounding/pleasing-to-the-...There are lots of clever-sounding/pleasing-to-the-ear sentences, but I understand this query less than the previous version. I actually had to look at it to get a sense of what the story was supposed to be about. Now it seems the new version takes a completely different plot path than the first one. The queries seem to be 2 different stories written by 2 different people. <br /><br />The part about everything being invented threw me. I'm not reading that there's not much left to be invented, right? Because that will never be true. There will always be great minds who can see beyond what's known to what's possible. <br /><br />There's too much happening here. Who's the protagonist? What does he want? What's preventing him from having it? What will he do to overcome that particular obstacle? <br /><br />Good luck. Can't wait to see a 3rd version to get a clearer view of the story. Theresa Milsteinhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03477761307315565259noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-25133801335354919532012-08-21T14:45:35.171-04:002012-08-21T14:45:35.171-04:00Sorry for the confusion GillyB! After I took in al...Sorry for the confusion GillyB! After I took in all the amazing feedback and comments I got from my entry on this website (which, BTW is the best crash course in writing a beginner like me could have ever taken!), the initial book expanded into an idea for a trilogy and so what you’re seeing here is the first release of the Be a Cupcake, Save the World trilogy. <br /><br />There’s still plenty of cupcakes in this MS, but Sarah and her business have been pushed into another WIP.<br /> <br />For this revision #1 to the query, it was the 250-word limit that had me most concerned, which explains the list I went with, but I’ll be sure to make the cupcake presence evident in the next revision.<br /><br />I appreciate your comment on the clunky features, and am presently mulling over condensing the plot, and will persist! Thanks!Ana V.https://www.blogger.com/profile/05316671287286231227noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-26479717715116967392012-08-19T10:47:40.771-04:002012-08-19T10:47:40.771-04:00Wait, this revision has me so confused. What happe...Wait, this revision has me so confused. What happened to Sarah? How do cupcakes factor into this?? And why did you change your awesome title???<br /><br />I still don't know what the story is about. "High voltage adventure" is terribly vague, and doesn't describe the conflict of the book, or the choices the main character (who is now Zack...?)will have to make.<br /><br />I think you should start over with a more basic query formula that very clearly illuminates the plot. The plot also needs to be grounded in some sort of reality. But at least now I can clearly see the YA, and it's no longer preachy<br /><br />Little things: "pattern recognizer" is pretty clunky. A list of unrelated events is DEATH in a query (at least, to me. And I miss the cupcakes.<br /><br />But Ms. Reid is right- you are improving. And you seemed to have written 25,000 words in the interim, so good job there.GillyBhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03622344092774777709noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-7546968553341949402011-04-26T14:09:17.913-04:002011-04-26T14:09:17.913-04:00I found this quite a bit later, but wanted to say ...I found this quite a bit later, but wanted to say @ bella your story idea cracked me up! <br /><br />I think the writer of this query probably tried to explain the feelings behind the story rather than the story itself. I hope the writer finds the resources on Query Shark and other similar sites to help he/she out!Stephscohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06328839483008086049noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-80344316826313920322011-03-06T21:26:52.972-05:002011-03-06T21:26:52.972-05:00@Author
Try to overlook some of the more negative...@Author<br /><br />Try to overlook some of the more negative comments on this entry and focus on the constructive criticisms. Some have suggested defining the equation with Emotion, Motivation, and Caring or other terms to make the person realize the connections you are trying to make. Others have said that you really, really need to bring up the core conflicts, if there are core conflicts.<br /><br />I think the main point is that the story is not coming through clearly, and you have to work a bit to bring the story out. If you are having trouble figuring out how to condense this 40k word novel into three or four paragraphs, you may also want to try handing your novel to a trusted friend, letting them read it, and having them tell you, in their own words, what they just read.<br /><br />You wouldn't probably use their words verbatim, but it might give you insight into what readers should get out of this book.Rex Jamesonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02110714906372459985noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-23550941171196784032011-03-04T20:28:05.404-05:002011-03-04T20:28:05.404-05:00Hi! I think the cupcake thing is cool, and the ti...Hi! I think the cupcake thing is cool, and the title is definitely an attention-grabber. However, I read many YA books and speak about them to many other people who read books of this genre, and I'm not sure that this would appeal to the majority. Maybe the query is the problem, but current YA tends not only not to be preachy, but to lean halfway across the room from preachy. You have your vampires and kids doing all sorts of things that people don't actually want kids to do. Your protagonist is too old for YA anyway, so I would recommend changing your audience. I would also try to make the science a bit more accurate, because precision is extremely important in that area, and it would really turn people off otherwise.<br />Good luck!wizardonskis22https://www.blogger.com/profile/06685192078420924575noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-88278109226352047452011-03-04T19:28:06.995-05:002011-03-04T19:28:06.995-05:00What the heck is this about? I'm so confused....What the heck is this about? I'm so confused. What does that formula have to do with life? Heck, it barely even has anything to do with light. It has more to do with nuclear reactions, which don't make most people happy. And why is the first equation always written and crossed out? I'm totally confused by this query. It doesn't help that my name is Tessa, and I run into very few Tessa's, so that always throws me off.Elemarthhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16682542694283794273noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-72412639141802266852011-02-27T05:00:09.216-05:002011-02-27T05:00:09.216-05:00Now there's a point about getting information ...Now there's a point about getting information from Wikipedia, Joel. 1955 is the year Albert Einstein died, not the year he published Relativity: the Special and General theory. That happened in 1920, necessarily predating the development of nuclear weapons. The Special Theory was introduced even earlier, in 1905. Wikipedia doesn't get these facts wrong; you just have to read carefully.<br /><br />As for Be a Cupcake, even while a reader of YA, I wanted any science in there to be correct. Getting the point of E = mc^2 wrong shows me I know more than you, and that's where I put the book down for something else.<br /><br />Bella's idea is really cool!NanUhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11596765792663269178noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-75027585196355708962011-02-26T12:06:13.234-05:002011-02-26T12:06:13.234-05:00I really agree with madelinewrites, YA can't g...I really agree with madelinewrites, YA can't get preachy.Umahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05904319846900391682noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-13556988101834563152011-02-25T23:33:21.400-05:002011-02-25T23:33:21.400-05:00@jesse: On the money. I absolutely agree.
You hav...@jesse: On the money. I absolutely agree.<br /><br />You have to hit the right spot with people who are familiar with science: don't drag it off into the land of mysticism, but magical realism is fine. Sci-fi can be ridiculous, but we love it anyway, and often because.<br /><br />I reckon it's all about tone. From the letter, it seems to me like the author's best bet is to go for something not unlike I <3 Huckabees or Being John Malkovitch.<br /><br />As-is, my reaction is as posted above. I dunno about other science-y people, but with some tweaking, it could work for me.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-11269006752097950402011-02-25T12:22:10.737-05:002011-02-25T12:22:10.737-05:00I've been thinking about your query, a lot act...I've been thinking about your query, a lot actually. It's probably because I've used Einstein as a jumping off point in my own theory on emotions. That said- I don't think it is necessarily a bad thing to take liberties with science, facts, known-knowns or what-have-you; when you are trying to create something new. <br />The down side to doing this, as you've seen, is that people will jump on you for taking those liberties. However, just because people jump on you for this sort of thing doesn't mean they won't be capable of enjoying your creation, provided that the rest of it works, and it is communicated effectively. If you need proof of this, go to a Q and A at a Star Trek convention.<br />I look forward to the revisions.jessehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16489502078962823639noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-16051795758902817232011-02-24T08:11:47.397-05:002011-02-24T08:11:47.397-05:00Jeepers. I wrote you a rather nasty email about yo...Jeepers. I wrote you a rather nasty email about your God novel query. If this is the kind of stuff you have to read every day, maybe an apology is in order...Dan Truitthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16361896029399546562noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-36317216019327672912011-02-23T08:47:54.254-05:002011-02-23T08:47:54.254-05:00#195,
Good job on E=mc^2. Everyone has an opinion...#195,<br /><br />Good job on E=mc^2. Everyone has an opinion, and that's a great sign. And cupcakes. They fit on subways and elevators. Nickel bags of carbs never go out of style.<br /><br />So I think you're like the lady who dumped chocolate pieces into her cookie dough and made the first Chocolate Chip cookie ... in 1930. It's 25 years older than Einstein's theory.(I'm a WikiSavant or IdiotWiki. I haven't decided which.)<br /><br />Point is: you have something, but it's not there yet.<br /><br />A better metaphor might be Newton's Opticks [sic], 1704. A cookbook of experiments about light and color. And the cupcake? Also English, invented in 1796! (Wiki, baby.) I'd call it LIGHT ICING.<br /><br />But I'm veering into historical novel territory, so I come back to this unpleasantness: books about success are written by successful people. Your idea is murky. The book is too short. The sentences are not well-written. Basic facts are wrong. <br /><br />The kitchen’s a mess, and the cupcakes taste like sponges, but you’re sitting at the table making notes in your big notebook. That’s a successful metaphor, and you’ve won our sympathy, and that’s where you want us to be. <br /><br />We want you to win. So try again.Joel Brownhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11611692901113614564noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-69603621512346851032011-02-22T18:09:44.820-05:002011-02-22T18:09:44.820-05:00I agree that this is NOT a YA book--not only becau...I agree that this is NOT a YA book--not only because the protagonist is clearly well above YA boundaries in age but also because the subject matter is not going to appeal to most of the YA audience. Sorry if I offend by generalizing. <br /><br />The lack of clear plot is of course also a big turn-off.tawdrahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04387924582172199235noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-69700119386963319462011-02-22T15:17:13.277-05:002011-02-22T15:17:13.277-05:00How does the formula make Sarah’s life and busines...How does the formula make Sarah’s life and business happy? What does she see in action? Show, don’t tell. What didn’t Sarah notice before? You lost me – humankind? What is the manual to life? Light? How does one apply the formula? How does this formula equate to happiness? <br /><br />Sarah’s sci-fi daydreams – what are those? Whole new meaning – to what? What are you referring to? I’m confused – is Sarah dead?<br />Tessa is in a coma. Was there an accident? What happened? I’m assuming light is significant, but I’m not following.<br /><br />The TV sitcom, GLEE, aired a show featuring a fundraiser which sold cupcakes to raise money for the glee club; however, these cupcakes had pot in the mix. They couldn’t keep up with the supply and demand. A typical YA read. There may be a few high school kids that might start a business, but that’s the exception. Who is your audience?<br /><br />Who doesn’t like cupcakes? Keep mixing your batter!Robbinhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13340267650156858452noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-1578338472604300222011-02-22T14:24:06.750-05:002011-02-22T14:24:06.750-05:00The query is definitely confusing. I'm hoping...The query is definitely confusing. I'm hoping "Be a Cupcake" is literal. <i>That</i> would be in interesting story.Meghttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05379614186579652334noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-68304028304011309042011-02-22T12:57:54.757-05:002011-02-22T12:57:54.757-05:00I see potential here. You're not there yet- b...I see potential here. You're not there yet- but it looks promising. Good luck.jessehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16489502078962823639noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-82104142586820088832011-02-22T00:31:10.732-05:002011-02-22T00:31:10.732-05:00How come no one mentioned vanilla?
Well, I did ad...<i>How come no one mentioned vanilla?</i><br /><br />Well, I did add nutmeg.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-50786021005287393332011-02-21T20:56:32.901-05:002011-02-21T20:56:32.901-05:00I try to find things in queries, pitches, narrativ...I try to find things in queries, pitches, narratives, whatever, that speak to me and have potential for speaking to other readers.<br /><br />E=mc^2 speaks to me from an off-kilter slant. <b>E</b>motion equals what <b>m</b>atters that's worth <b>c</b>aring about, squared, a formula for engaging readers emotionally.<br /><br />Well, I feel pity and embarrassment for a writer of a query that reaches for meaningful connections like that and only scratches the sky. It's the way I feel when someone is needlessly humiliated by faulty self-conscious actions witnessed by laughing bystanders. It's not funny. It's cruel.<br /><br />Now, a protagonist who's made an illogical connection between Einstein's famous energy-matter conversion equation and happiness strikes me as rich fodder for fiction. But in the story, not out on parade for critical consideration.<br /><br />Such a protagonist would convey the same message of lightness of being and emotionally caring matters for finding happiness.<br /><br />Instead of telling how Sarah as a happy-go-lucky dippy chick found happiness by making an intuitive leap from physics to self-enlightenment, show her struggle to find happiness, as messed up as it is, from taking a scientific theory out of context, please.John Jackhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11836130670029779104noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-27161623345130173002011-02-21T19:25:32.513-05:002011-02-21T19:25:32.513-05:00I second Margaret Yang's opinion, including th...I second Margaret Yang's opinion, including that this probably does have some potential if it is marketed as what it "is," and not a novel.<br /><br />Would be interested to hear from the author on this one...Nickhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05571330841840150164noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-56569172204980894972011-02-21T14:18:56.719-05:002011-02-21T14:18:56.719-05:00How come no one mentioned vanilla?How come no one mentioned vanilla?Becky Wallacehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02880501542510014819noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-88821882518889092732011-02-21T11:30:52.482-05:002011-02-21T11:30:52.482-05:00I finally understand a portion of what the comment...I finally understand a portion of what the comments on this blog are for: to discuss writerly points of interest in order to articulate ideas and further one's own writing.<br /><br />What I don't understand is the other category of comments, those that lament how terrible the query is. It seems to me that except for the success stories, the queries are usually bad, or in need of serious redress. This is a given. I just don't get the need to pile on. J almost always says everything that needs to be said. Why add to it? And I usually suspect critics of being unable to do much better. It's not like the ability to be critical automatically gives one credibility.<br /><br />But I finally get those who build on the blog's points to start conversations about writing. This way, more people are helped by the blog. Not just the original writer.<br /><br />This is such an interesting blog / comment / forum because most of the comments read like this is a writing community...but I wonder why it is that some of the comments seem to miss this boat? Is it because the original sharky tone is so blunt? Or because this is just the internet?<br /><br />Haven't figured this one out yet, but I enjoy the idea of people helping people REM style. Kudos to those comments that endeavor this way. And I applaud the authors of the queries for offering their fleshy bodies up for analysis. <br /><br />Being the goat is never easy.Davidhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16679613223759580578noreply@blogger.com