tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post4088370958582522010..comments2024-03-16T01:00:59.945-04:00Comments on Query Shark: #287-Revised 1xJanet Reidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00615380335938685231noreply@blogger.comBlogger8125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-91968658582651932842017-05-09T14:06:11.030-04:002017-05-09T14:06:11.030-04:00Yes, I agree with Ms. Reid. Use shorter sentences....Yes, I agree with Ms. Reid. Use shorter sentences. Like this.<br /><br />I would also re-arrange the ideas and edit them down. Like this:<br /><br />Reed Winford has agreed to sell an old house for an old friend. But this is not just a fixer upper. The house is haunted. He has to evict the current occupant (a ghost.) And he thought bad plumbing was the worst of it.<br /><br />You could make this more interesting if you make the dead flapper a succubus. A succubus is a female ghost who wants to get it on with the living. I don't read paranormal, but if that trope has been abandoned for a few hundred years, it will come across fresh and new.<br /><br />I don't have the biblio details, but there was an article in PLAYBOY some years ago about real people who believe they really do consort with succubae, and I don;t mean just to chit chat. That may sound nutty, but apparently these people exist. Unfortunately, I am not one of them. I live alone.<br /><br />I have spoken to widows who have decided they don't want to date and who have conveniently resolved to spend their rest of their lives wearing mourning black. Fiction works by subtly tapping into popular fantasies. So you have two popular fantasies here that you can plug into.<br /><br />In this case, lonely Reed gets his jollies with the dead flapper and in the process gets to know her personally. I am assuming he is not a cad. He can confirm what she tells him using old maps, etc. But she is the principal source of info.<br /><br />You have a couple of plot problems. Anyone who murdered someone in 1920 was born earlier than 1910, and is more than 100 years old now. That is getting long in the tooth unless the villain is immortal. Calling the villain "the evil" is not specific enough.<br /><br />I have a vague recollection that in times of yore earthbound spirits were thought to hang around for the purpose of finking on someone who done 'em wrong. In that case the flapper would be gone by now, since her killer would be a ghost himself. If Reed solves the crime, the ghost would be "laid" (as in laid to rest) and he would be a forlorn lover. So he has a conflict of interest.<br /><br />Also, this is 2017, so the 1920s are not 100 years ago.<br /><br />It is an interesting idea. I would probably read this, although it is not my thing.<br />Steve Stubbshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13421775912951050610noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-59486457869503058382017-05-08T20:47:53.847-04:002017-05-08T20:47:53.847-04:00This revision definitely answered some of my quest...This revision definitely answered some of my questions from the 1st version. But I still have a couple of nitpicks.<br /><br />- I don’t get a good sense of either of character beyond their vital statistics. (SWF, dead, looking for SWM to solve murder. Successful career not a must...) Particularly your jazz-age flapper. She comes across in the query like a vague prop to motivate the MC. I’m sure that’s not the case in the book. What specific actions/characteristics draw him to her? This is tricky but not impossible to add without derailing the query.<br /><br />- Use the ghost’s name? I assume Winfred learns her name pretty early on. Leaving her nameless keeps me kind of distant from her plight.<br /><br />- “flapper girl” – ‘girl’ is redundant. <br /><br />- “Winfred knows he must find a way to remove the haunting...” – A good spot to reveal something about his character. He just found out the house he’s selling is haunted. Presumably, this is shocking or frustrating or a challenge. Presumably, this is not par for the course. How he reacted initially might tell us a lot about his character. Was he scared, angry, intrigued?<br /><br />You know the finer details of the story and I don't, so none of the following may match the mss. But I know how frustrating it is to be given the transatlantic-length list of details needed in a 250-word query. Without an example, it can seem impossible to include all of the “necessary” components. Especially when it all feels necessary and you don’t know what to leave out. This is just an example framework to maybe help you move forward with your next revision:<br /><br /><b>Realtor Reed Winford believes the historic house he just signed will end his streak of difficult to sell listings—that is, until his first open house is crashed by the resident ghost. The ghost is [name], a jazz-age flapper who was murdered a hundred years ago and thinks it’s a real gas to spook off Winfred’s potential buyers.<br /><br />Winfred’s too stubborn to let a minor thing like a haunting stop him from doing his job. To help [name] move on, he’ll have to use her fragmented memories and clues from old records, maps, and antiques to solve her murder.<br /><br />As Winfred investigates, it’s clear someone doesn’t want him digging deeper into her past. Outside an underground speakeasy, he barely dodges out of the way when someone guns a 1923 Rolls Royce Silver Ghost over the curb and nearly over him, too. A warning to back off the case, or else. The closer he gets to the truth, the deadlier the attempts on his life become.</b> <br /><br />(^ Just make sure to introduce the immediate conflict preventing him from learning who murdered the woman.)<br /><br /><b>Any other guy would gladly wash his hands and move on to the next doomed listing, but Winfred finds himself falling for [her name]’s mischievous humor. She can be charming when she’s not blowing doors closed or leaving messages in foggy mirrors. She deserves to know the truth.<br /><br />If he can’t find the answers before the evidence is destroyed by someone intent on covering up a hundred-year-old murder, then Winfred could lose the listing, [her name], or even his own life. </b><br /><br />I hope this helps. Thank you for sharing and especially for sending a revision! It's so satisfying to watch these evolve into a FTW.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17785095222444112114noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-19720910582710052162017-05-07T14:59:26.756-04:002017-05-07T14:59:26.756-04:00A big problem I often have with story premises is ...A big problem I often have with story premises is the "screw you guys, I'm going home" factor. That is, what reason does the character have for getting caught up in the plot and going to extraordinary efforts, when a reasonable person would take one look and nope out? Yes, realtors do need to sell houses, but their careers rarely hinge on making a single sale. When confronted with a haunted house they can't sell, a reasonable person will look for a different house to sell, not embark on an in-depth quest that will take time away from their actual job of selling houses.<br /><br />That's not to say you can't have this plot, not at all. But I think you'll sell it better if this guy has a clear reason for not being able to just walk away. Dying wish for a friend, trying to win a bet, first chance he's had to sell a house in a year, promised a promotion if he pulls it off, just crazy stubborn and incapable of passing up a challenge... There are tons of options, any of which would help establish stronger stakes and make the character more relatable. That reasoning may be clear in the novel, but it should be in the query too.Brittanyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02661380649581961221noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-25633262537245506212017-04-18T08:09:47.921-04:002017-04-18T08:09:47.921-04:00This feels more like a plot summary than a query; ...This feels more like a plot summary than a query; it tells (and what do we say about show-don't-tell) everything that happens, but doesn't try to entice. Interestingly, the story DOES sound pretty enticing. I think Janet's edited first line is genius - because it withholds crucial information, it is the most interesting thing here. Even with the rest of Janet's deletions, though, this is a lot of words.<br /><br />Publishing credits are great, but honestly Chicken Soup for the Soul threw me a little bit. I was thinking this might be a magical murder mystery (no tour), and more dark, and/or strangely sexy (intimate magic trick?), than cozy. Then, seeing Chicken Soup, I questioned that. Is this a cozy? Is this a paranormal romance with mystery, or mystery with romance/erotic elements? <br /><br />Janet, is it ever advisable to leave off any publishing credits in a query? Like, if I'm querying dino porn, do I want to mention that I've been published in Guideposts? Would two such different genres cause confusion? DLMhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08768285199864217885noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-37927998341110318312017-04-15T17:00:12.033-04:002017-04-15T17:00:12.033-04:00This reads more like a synopsis than a query. Try ...This reads more like a synopsis than a query. Try giving just enough of the conflict and stakes to make the reader want more.<br /><br />Some notes:<br /><br />-I wouldn’t mention the home owner. She’s mentioned once and doesn’t come into play again, so she’s probably not integral to the query.<br /><br />- Use the ghost’s name at some point? She’s an important character, and I assume if MC has such stellar real estate skills, he finds out the names of the previous occupants in his investigation.<br /><br />-You’ll want to set up MC’s initial motivation for helping the ghost. He might fall for her later and be genuinely motivated to help her, but at first, he needs a reason to go out of his way to investigate. Helping her move on so he can sell the listing haunting-free, perhaps?<br /><br />- It might be nice to be specific about the antique car. i.e. – a 1922 Renault KZ, a 1923 Rolls Royce Silver Ghost, etc. The word ‘antique’ is used four times in the query.<br /><br />-I think it’s good to build the romance angle, but it’s almost like it was taken too far and not far enough at the same time. Too many specific details that don’t really come out and say he’s falling for her and how it deepens his stake in helping her.<br /><br />-What is the ultimate goal of the investigation? To help her move on? If so, does he start to question letting her go once he comes to care about her? Is there a way for him to be with her if he finds the answers? Whatever it is, it needs to makes sense he wouldn’t quit searching even though PEOPLE ARE TRYING TO KILL HIM.<br /><br />-Maybe the biggest issue with the query, for me, is a lack of character. I really don’t get a sense of either of the main characters beyond their vital statistics. (SWF, dead, looking for SWM to solve murder. Successful career not a must.) What’s one of your MC’s defining characteristics? What characteristics draw him to the dead woman? The only thing that comes across is that your MC is a little bit obsessive in a creepy way, which I doubt is intended or even true in the larger context of the story. <br /><br />A general framework to possibly help you move forward:<br /><br /><b>Real estate agent (MC) believes the beach house property he just signed will end his streak of difficult to sell listings—that is, until his first open house is crashed by the resident ghost. After losing all of his potential buyers, (MC) discovers the ghost is a jazz-age flapper girl who was murdered in the 1920s. <br /><br />--Set up MC’s initial motivation for investigating. A good spot to show some personality. I can’t even make an educated guess here because this info isn’t hinted at in the query.--<br /><br />As (MC) investigates her murder, it’s clear someone doesn’t want him digging deeper into her past. Outside an underground speakeasy, he barely dodges out of the way when someone guns a 1923 Rolls Royce Silver Ghost over the curb and nearly over him, too—a warning to back off the case or else. The closer he gets to the truth, the deadlier the attempts on his life become. Who would care enough to cover up a hundred-year-old murder?</b> <br /><br />(^ Obviously, those particular details differ in the story. Just make sure to introduce the immediate conflict preventing him from learning who murdered the woman.)<br /><br /><b>He’d gladly wash his hands of the whole thing and move on to the next doomed listing, but (ghost’s name) is [qualities about her/reasons he’s falling in love with her]. If he can’t find the answers before the evidence is destroyed, then [the consequences of failing]. </b><br /><br />Thanks for sharing and good luck with your revisions!Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17785095222444112114noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-20783957825621610712017-04-14T20:15:07.325-04:002017-04-14T20:15:07.325-04:00Janet's advice is golden, of course. But if I ...Janet's advice is golden, of course. But if I might share something that really jarred for me:<br /><br /><i>He takes it a step further in an intimate scene involving an antique magic trick!</i><br /><br />This comes across as if you're looking for something in the novel to pique interest, whereas the novel itself needs to grab the agent's attention. It has to be a story she wants to read, with characters that intrigue, and a conflict she wants to explore. A particularly good scene here and there is all well and good, but she's not going to pour her heart into representing a novel because it has "an intimate scene involving an antique magic trick."<br /><br />I know there's more to your book than that, so these are wasted words. You only have 250--use the best ones, and use them well. :)<br /><br />All the best with the revise. I look forward to seeing version 2. :)Colin Smithhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03292997431935215499noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-25776443471437011762017-04-14T16:38:43.832-04:002017-04-14T16:38:43.832-04:00(MC) finds a ghost in the home during an open hous...<b>(MC) finds a ghost in the home during an open house. He discovers she is a young jazz-age flapper girl who used to live in the home in the 1920’s, and who was murdered nearly a hundred years ago.</b><br /><br />This is where my eyes crossed. There's way, way too much information in here and none of it is constructed well enough to make sense.<br /><br />You have someone selling a house. You have a MC who is her listing agent. He finds a ghost. He helps the ghost. This is what happens in the end after helping said ghost.<br /><br />I agree that you need to read through this site and then try again. I wish I could tell you that this story sounds interesting, but I can't at this point. You don't want stew, you want a steak. ONE thing. Query with a steak. One thing. Save the stew, well layered, for the story.nightsmusichttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05984119792540771870noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-91330770772452667382017-04-14T15:17:18.026-04:002017-04-14T15:17:18.026-04:00The multiple lists of how the MC finds information...The multiple lists of how the MC finds information (old phonographs, digging up maps, and so forth) is very distracting. Doesn't add value, delete, IMO.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03581361783795436259noreply@blogger.com