tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post4365723744746323575..comments2024-03-16T01:00:59.945-04:00Comments on Query Shark: #251-Revised onceJanet Reidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00615380335938685231noreply@blogger.comBlogger19125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-26269958504624836592013-11-02T12:13:53.215-04:002013-11-02T12:13:53.215-04:00I like the single paragraph query. What I'm i...I like the single paragraph query. What I'm itching to do, though, is swap the key sentence around so it ends with "turn the machine off" and maximizes its impact.fpostehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04585253003390376993noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-70682187830040368012013-10-28T21:16:53.817-04:002013-10-28T21:16:53.817-04:00I have to agree with Steve, this revision is not e...I have to agree with Steve, this revision is not enough. You need to entice us more about the machine. Why must it be turned off? What possible consequences will happen if it isn't? And, of course, we know that it won't be! No, you're not going to give away the whole plot, but more is needed to whet our appetite so that we not only want to buy the book, we have to buy the book! Good luck!LynnRodzhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10796099106913990163noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-41229935501345404102013-10-26T18:43:18.477-04:002013-10-26T18:43:18.477-04:00I have to agree with the above. I like Chris's...I have to agree with the above. I like Chris's suggestion to tighten the beginning. I'd want a little more to go on before I'd pick up this book and read it. I thought an agent would too. <br /><br />A time machine could have very scary ramifications for the world as we know it. The protagonist should recognize this. And I would think many groups would be interested on getting their hands on the technology or destroying the plans/machine. While we don't need a laundry list of groups, some "what's at stake" would be nice.Theresa Milsteinhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03477761307315565259noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-30448155713012700422013-10-26T00:22:40.460-04:002013-10-26T00:22:40.460-04:00This time I have to register a different opinion. ...This time I have to register a different opinion. The premise is extremely clever. But the simple message to “turn the machine off” would turn me off if I were an agent. There is just no menace there. I can think of a million reasons to turn the machine off that do not a story make. I would need more than that to want to read the full. Try this: the machine operator is not only working to create a machine to communicate with someone from the future, but the person in the future tells him that a specific disaster is approaching. The future person’s motive is that from his or her perspective it is too late, but the recipient of the messages still has time to avert the disaster. The recipient person knows nothing of this at the beginning of the story and merely wants to know if such communication is possible. So to establish cred, the future person sends a series of messages predicting stock prices, incidents in the news, and maybe an auto accident, none of which can be foreseen and all of which happen. Once cred is established, the future person starts directing the present person what to do to save the world (or his 401(k), depending on how big the threat is.) The present person then follows the instructions, the usual mishaps and screwups occur, and the tension builds as Whatever Is Going To Happen is kept from happening. Finally, as time goes on he catches up with the time at which the future person was sending the messages, and the future person is a future version of himself. Hethen realizes that had he not followed the instructions sent by his future self, his future self would have ceased to exist and the communications would have been cut of without him knowing why.<br /><br />With a plot like that I might look at the first five pages if they were included, and if they really sing, well of course I would ask the author if an eight figure advance paid from my personal bank account in anticipation of getting more from a publisher later would be sufficient incentive to sign a contract, Good luck.Steve Stubbshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13421775912951050610noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-16179795613992611042013-10-24T22:33:57.857-04:002013-10-24T22:33:57.857-04:00It's great as far as it goes... but for me tha...It's great as far as it goes... but for me that isn't quite far enough yet. I'd really like to be given more of an idea of what's happening, which would provide a bit more energy and momentum - the kicker over the edge, as French Sojourn puts it.<br /><br />What does float my boat is the neat turnabout in the line where the main character has spent his whole career (nice distinction) building this machine, in secrecy... and...<br /><br />just at the point where we're primed that it's a failure and therein lies the conflict, we learn that it works. And THAT'S the problem. Nice one.<br /><br />Bonnie Shaljeanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13067442140631504611noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-78736727752540611322013-10-24T03:11:15.959-04:002013-10-24T03:11:15.959-04:00I like the taut paragraph, but I'm not sure th...<br />I like the taut paragraph, but I'm not sure that "Sometimes holding on too long costs more than you’re willing to pay." nails it.<br /><br />Seems nebulous, isn't there another sentence from the future that gives him a clue?...and therefore the reader as well.<br /><br />Perspective is a gift of time, seems there could be second short kicker to end it with and further push the reader off the edge.<br /><br />french sojournhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14262858704848580714noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-12081978611959289622013-10-23T22:58:17.946-04:002013-10-23T22:58:17.946-04:00I know this latest revision (revised once) is supe...I know this latest revision (revised once) is super short, but I can't help but think that the first paragraph still has a lot of stuff in there that doesn't really say anything. For example, the first sentence. <br /><br />Dr. Richard Hamilton, head of Physics at Livermore National Lab, is faced with the most difficult decision of his life.<br /><br />Does the agent need to read this?<br /><br />Why not just put: <br /><br />The machine Richard Hamilton created can receive messages from the future. The problem is, ‘turn off the machine,’ was not the kind of message he expected. <br /><br />It's simple, and gets rid of all the extraneous info. Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-15851770301004496322013-10-19T10:16:11.409-04:002013-10-19T10:16:11.409-04:00When I read the first paragraph, I not only though...When I read the first paragraph, I not only thought "Patrick Lee," but also, "You must not marry Q." Nothing like a good time travel paradox. <br /><br />Agreed on the second paragraph and PTSD isn't something that can be "eased" by a dimpled smile. Total deep backstory that will influence the character's choices, but not essential to the plot. <br /><br />Now, I happen to like a nice ravening frothing group of religious fanatics as bad guys, but, hey, that's just me. Seriously, it gives it a biblical conspiracy tang that I just can't resist. <br /><br />I hope this tale is as good as it sounds and that we will be seeing it on the shelves. Query is almost there and this sounds like one of those "less is more" situations. <br /><br />TerriTerri Lynn Coophttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07290316565247120848noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-74479960178062496502013-10-17T17:34:12.759-04:002013-10-17T17:34:12.759-04:00I like the first paragraph, but I didn't under...I like the first paragraph, but I didn't understand why the machine needs to be turned off -- what will happen otherwise?<br /><br />Also, I agree completely with the PTSD thing and I want to add another note. "A chance to rekindle his romance with Richard's daughter, Kate, is just what he needs to ease his PTSD" is kind of...offensive. Therapy helps with PTSD. Saying that jumping into a romance can cure your PTSD underestimates just how much it can affect your life, how difficult it can be to overcome, and how the recovery process works.<br /><br />Also, it is really unfair to Katie; as a partner, she can provide support and love, but it's not her job to "fix" him. That's all she exists to do, though, which is also cliche. I read scenes where the couple has a good cry and cuddle and the PTSD just...goes away. No. Just...no. It also makes me dislike Josh because the way this is written, he sounds like he came back, talked to Katie, and said, "Hi, ex, I'm really messed up now. Please take me back, feel sorry for me, and fix me." It makes him sound rather selfish. <br /><br />If PTSD is going to feature in your novel, please present it in a well-informed, sensitive manner. I recommend the blog Dangerous Jam by Rachel Manija and her 3 essays on the subject as a starting point. She is someone recovering from PTSD who writes knowing that writers want to know what it is like.Laurahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15725049899131699912noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-61682112501973362962013-10-17T16:04:13.229-04:002013-10-17T16:04:13.229-04:00I loved the first paragraph. It reminded me of The...I loved the first paragraph. It reminded me of The Twilight Zone or the Outer Limits and I had to find out more.<br /><br />The second paragraph threw me, though, because there were just so many new details. There was the soldier, Katie, another machine (?), two acronyms to remember (I scrolled back up to see if Richard was working for the EPA) and so on. I was eagerly waiting to find out what Richard did after he received that message. It was a wonderful start - hope the rest of the query, revised, lives up to that.Marian Pererahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15700524210146863718noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-31573347046652494752013-10-16T09:09:49.750-04:002013-10-16T09:09:49.750-04:00I'm a little bit fascinated by SF queries - th...I'm a little bit fascinated by SF queries - they've got a lot of work to do in very little space.<br /><br />The first paragraph, which our Glorious Sharkiness liked so much, could practically stand on its own as a miniature story. It has a set-up and it has a follow-through. BAM. Done.<br /><br />As an SF reader, though, if this tiny mini-story is the setup for a complete novel, I <i>do</i> need a lot more information. Because unless Richard says "OK," turns it off and leaves well enough alone, it's clear that Something Unpleasant Is Going To Happen. And that Something is presumably going to be what the book is actually about. It's not enough to explain that Something Bad Will Happen (even though you did so in a very cool way!); you want to give a fair sense of what tone and direction the bulk of the novel take! <br /><br />Out of the same paragraph, you could be touting a novel about dealing with cryptic, ominous prophecies from the future, perhaps trying to solve one's problems with the device - while only making things worse. OR, the device could be the target of a dozen powerful governments, all of whom want to seize it and its power for themselves. These are two awfully different novels!<br /><br />I think this information is exactly what you were trying to provide with what Her Toothsomeness has written off as unnecessary detail. But then, here's what I'm getting from this description: Lots of people are causing trouble for Richard, in vague and/or stereotypical ways. Also there's some plot thread about McGregor who doesn't like things blowing up, but apparently some things are? All in all, it sounds like the machine you set up in the premise is mostly serving as a McGuffin; it hardly makes its presence felt throughout the rest of the query, and instead it sounds like the novel is about a hodge-podge of different threats and problems springing up with no clear plot or character thread to follow.<br /><br />In other words, as an SF reader, and treating this as in-some-way-shape-or-manner an SF-ish novel, <b>I disagree with Query Shark's analysis here. I don't think you've got unnecessary detail; I think you're trying, but having difficulty, explaining what the book's actually about in an enticing manner.</b> You've got an absolutely terrific opening hook - that'll serve you well both on the query, and as an actual hook to get readers interested in the book. But you haven't yet convinced me that you've got anything beyond that.<br /><br />I see that you're describing your work as a thriller, which (perhaps?) gives you some leeway here - "Lots of bad people want to kill Our Hero and also things are blowing up" is a clearer basis for a thriller novel than it is for an SF novel. However, (A) thrillers still need great queries - look over your query again, and consider: where is the part I should expect the story to be thrilling and suspenseful? It's awfully hard to pin down here. And (B), with such a strong SF element as a temporal radio, you're leaning heavily into SF, however you choose to label yourself. <br /><br />Lots of luck!Standbackhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10877817311001333712noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-16024724070256692352013-10-15T21:37:38.932-04:002013-10-15T21:37:38.932-04:00Okay, I guess I'm just repeating what everyone...Okay, I guess I'm just repeating what everyone else said, but that first paragraph made me sit up and say, "Damn, I want to read this book!" It's true that the rest of the query made me want to read it less and less, but you have a great idea here. Good luck, I look forward to seeing the revisions and reading your story one day!LynnRodzhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10796099106913990163noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-33886378651565202442013-10-15T12:01:47.745-04:002013-10-15T12:01:47.745-04:00Oh, this reminds me of Thrice Upon a Time by James...Oh, this reminds me of Thrice Upon a Time by James P. Hogan, a book I bought just because the cover was done by Rowena and then discovered a wonderful world a awesome sci-fi. I'd love to read this book - good luck getting this query nailed!GSMarlenehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17558162486383585621noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-67005195768955798782013-10-15T06:33:40.638-04:002013-10-15T06:33:40.638-04:00I agree with everyone else that the first paragrap...I agree with everyone else that the first paragraph is solid and the second needs to go. Make that third paragraph vague and it will work. There are people bent on stopping it. Enough said. <br /><br />I would take out the "This is my first novel." That can't ever help a writer, can it? Let the agent read the merits of your query and decide about your novel's potential. I would think adding a line like that would make an agent not want to take a chance on a new writer. Theresa Milsteinhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03477761307315565259noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-74847506165026390812013-10-14T22:43:13.123-04:002013-10-14T22:43:13.123-04:00I find it odd that the title is The Second Dimensi...I find it odd that the title is The Second Dimension. Given that it appears to be based around a kind of time travel (or communication, at least), and time is the fourth dimension, I'd expect the title to be The Fourth Dimension.<br /><br />I agree, the first paragraph made me want to read the book. The rest didn't. (Especially the 'religious fanatics'. As you say, cliche. And I wonder how many people who write those in realize just how huge a percentage of their potential readership they're risking offending for no good reason.Shawnahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04260012965060413042noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-47875624015196265222013-10-14T22:01:17.648-04:002013-10-14T22:01:17.648-04:00That opening line gave me chills! I totally want t...That opening line gave me chills! I totally want to read the book now.<br /><br />But I agree, too much detail later on really bogs your query down. You've received some great advice. Good luck!J.H. Moncrieffhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18045467689291025137noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-12357218076736469102013-10-14T20:37:13.563-04:002013-10-14T20:37:13.563-04:00The thing with Preston/Child is, they never lose s...The thing with Preston/Child is, they never lose sight of Pendergast. If he's not in the scene 'physically' as it were, he's there in spirit in some way. Another character refers to him, something quirky calls the readers attention back to who the ONLY protagonist in the stories is. There are peripheral characters, but Pendergast it first and foremost.<br /><br />The first paragraph is the interesting story. The PTSD isn't so much, not that I'm discounting PTSD. I have a cousin who still suffers greatly from his time in Vietnam. I want to read about the first. The second, not so much.<br /><br />This query as it's written reads like two separate stories. You need to pick one story (preferably the first paragraph which is great!) and stick with that. But then I have to wonder, if the query reads like two separate stories, does the novel as well?nightsmusichttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05984119792540771870noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-27422433498224798082013-10-14T16:38:58.087-04:002013-10-14T16:38:58.087-04:00Good writing, interesting premise! The back story,...Good writing, interesting premise! The back story, agreed is too much. I wonder if even such strong writing/plot would be able to save the story ("keep us along for the ride") in book format, though. It seems like the premise, not the manuscript...yet, is more enticing to me. Thanks for sharing!BPhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16407715408242911362noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-56273825760129802932013-10-14T15:39:16.402-04:002013-10-14T15:39:16.402-04:00Yeah, the second I read ‘turn the machine off,’ my...Yeah, the second I read ‘turn the machine off,’ my mind flipped to Deep Sky (Patrick Lee's 3/3). <br />That line had me as well...short concise and I loved the impending tone in it.<br /><br />All stories are a fabric, but the main thread ties it all together...use the voice of your first paragraph and continue to get the rope around the readers neck.<br /><br />Good luck.french sojournhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14262858704848580714noreply@blogger.com