tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post489608057994386883..comments2024-03-16T01:00:59.945-04:00Comments on Query Shark: #293Janet Reidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00615380335938685231noreply@blogger.comBlogger7125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-66417110190335082152018-11-27T14:50:02.359-05:002018-11-27T14:50:02.359-05:00"And using Avarice as a name sounds like a Pu..."And using Avarice as a name sounds like a Puritan morality tale where Prudence and Chastity the blacksmith's daughters are subjected to the advance of Lewd and Lust the sons of the town's evil overlord." - someone add this to the best of Queryshark!<br /><br />I'll be honest, I've probably read too many queries today, but I felt this was describing two separate books! I had to scroll up to check if I was still reading the same query! Starts in America 2050 with a prodigy sniper (not sure what that means), and moves on to Avalon. How are they linked? And what's with the godfather part in the middle?<br /><br />I feel like you've tried to cram too many ideas into one book, and that's reflected in your query. Farhadhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12299156587919118530noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-40405193314838715312018-03-23T22:03:27.955-04:002018-03-23T22:03:27.955-04:00Yeah, that title feels polished. I think the most ...Yeah, that title feels polished. I think the most jarring part of the query is that it has a clear break between the Urban part of your setting (military girl, politician crime boss, United States) and the fantasy part of your setting (Excalibur, elves, Avalon) without giving us any indication that's where we're going. The first half had me thinking it would be a Crime/Romance complete with the Godfather set-up. Then suddenly with no warning, I hit the word Excalibur and think, huh? What genre is this?<br /><br />From the moment you mention Excalibur, it's almost like you're describing two totally different stories with no connection between them. How do they get to Avalon? Does everyone know about Avalon? How do they know about the sword and why is it important to have? What will Alyssa's family do with the sword? What will Jason's? What's at stake if they don't get the sword? How does Alyssa's military background or OCD tie in? I was also totally scratching my head about what pressures could possibly come with being the goddaughter of a politician, which made me think Alyssa was just being whiny, and I was pretty stuck on puzzling that out until we found out he's also a crime boss. That feels like burying the lede. Crime boss gives us much more of a sense of the power this man has, whereas politician could mean he's the mayor of Tulsa (I mean, you could also specify his office as senator or congressman or whatever instead, but I still think the crime boss part is what's most relevant to the plot).MackAttackhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14933997983064274621noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-41890934544752080162018-01-18T10:26:00.516-05:002018-01-18T10:26:00.516-05:00I would leave out the inciting event entirely. Aly...I would leave out the inciting event entirely. Alyssa wants to steal someone's heart (literally)--that's awesome. Lead with that.<br /><br />Also, why did you categorize this as science fiction? It reads as fantasy all the way through the query. I know the line is blurry, but typically: mystical island of elves + magical sword = fantasy. If your basis for calling this science fiction is your attention to detail concerning the mental health of your characters, it should still probably be fantasy. <br /><br />Side note: I really <b>really</b> love the title. Bethany Elizabethhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12829932931010851406noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-52698695833512716732018-01-12T10:15:45.137-05:002018-01-12T10:15:45.137-05:00I think, perhaps, it's not that it's too m...I think, perhaps, it's not that it's too much of all the things in one book -- having a fully developed and diverse cast is fantastic! But to try to use them all as selling points seems contrived. Also, pointing out in the query that EVERY character has a mental illness is a bit much. The protag is OCD, her sister is Bi-Polar, someone else is schizo, etc etc. If you can convey in the story these things without stamping it on their foreheads -- AWESOME! But pointing it out like this just seems like a ploy to meAnonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12964473925684317787noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-88835022140805123212018-01-09T12:45:12.025-05:002018-01-09T12:45:12.025-05:00I had the same initial thought as Janet: overwritt...I had the same initial thought as Janet: overwritten. It sounds like you're trying too hard to be clever. One reason you're not getting requests could be that agents see over-writing here and assume the novel is the same. Keep it simple. Convey the plot, the conflict, the stakes in the most direct and compelling way you can.<br /><br />Also, I hope you aren't surprised you're getting no takers because of the laundry list of hot themes you mention in the concluding paragraph. Yes, agents are looking for books with diverse characters, characters with mental illness, etc. But they have to love the story first. A badly-written social justice story is, first and foremost, a badly-written story. And agents don't tend to take on badly-written stories. Show how well you write in the query, and everything else will look far more attractive.Colin Smithhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03292997431935215499noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-70661658038511447152018-01-08T19:01:32.877-05:002018-01-08T19:01:32.877-05:00All I want to add is that I don't see any indi...All I want to add is that I don't see any indication that this is science-fiction other than being set in 2050. Everything after that sentence sounds like fantasy to me. Rachaelhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11918987890132222901noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-43224321044703841372018-01-08T00:01:45.137-05:002018-01-08T00:01:45.137-05:00I think this query might indicate larger problems ...I think this query might indicate larger problems with the book itself. The last paragraph is telling "LGBT themes, racial diversity, characters with mental illness, and social justice themes." Any one of these is a book in and of itself and then you add in the fantasy, thievery, family issues, etc. <br /><br />Hone in what the story is. A lot of these things can be present but they can't all be central. Melissahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15244004664612029086noreply@blogger.com