tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post5311912100844508902..comments2024-03-16T01:00:59.945-04:00Comments on Query Shark: #132-REVISIONJanet Reidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00615380335938685231noreply@blogger.comBlogger17125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-51862507262765720662009-10-11T15:59:48.789-04:002009-10-11T15:59:48.789-04:00This didn't work for me. I like golf. I think ...This didn't work for me. I like golf. I think it's challenging, frustrating and fun, but a ticking time bomb, it's not. I couldn't agree more with Madam Shark: it's not at all believable. I also didn't pick up on the quirky. If the novel is quirky / offbeat, that voice should have come through in the query.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-83069081327706083892009-10-08T19:55:47.076-04:002009-10-08T19:55:47.076-04:00Haha this is very funny, if you know what I mean. ...Haha this is very funny, if you know what I mean. From many other queries, this is probably the most halarious. Seriously, a mob boss wagering his WHOLE fortune on the Master's is crazy. Unreal. Difficult to understand. And revolutionsheep, I saw what you said. >.<Phebe H.L.https://www.blogger.com/profile/16773100016580349386noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-87420268154804986302009-09-26T14:41:59.836-04:002009-09-26T14:41:59.836-04:00I too was wary of the fact that he would align wit...I too was wary of the fact that he would align with the mob instead of cops. I could see him going renegade and doing it himself. <br />I didn't get the tie in to the masters either. Maybe you need to make it clearer. You might have a great book here and we're just not seeing it.Aimlesswriterhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03012050763172251381noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-29989755902418362222009-09-24T13:16:10.581-04:002009-09-24T13:16:10.581-04:00More plot, and make it sound plausible if you can....More plot, and make it sound plausible if you can.<br /><br />K. A. Smith has it right about the "who."_*rachel*_https://www.blogger.com/profile/03293167107180931700noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-55724012928811924652009-09-23T15:06:12.742-04:002009-09-23T15:06:12.742-04:00Plus, why would the mob boss wager his entire fort...<i>Plus, why would the mob boss wager his entire fortune on the son losing? </i><br /><br />That's the only part of this that makes sense to me: the youngest person ever to win the Masters was Tiger Woods, and he was over twenty-one, so betting against Grayson Boldt's son is where the smart money would be.<br /><br />See, if Boldt's son is a better golfer than Tiger Woods, that's a heckton more interesting than all the other stuff, and I'd lead with that: "Grayson Boldt's son is the greatest golfer ever. Better than Tiger Woods, even. But now he has to top Tiger's achievements or die, thanks to a golf-crazy mob boss..." blah blah blah. <br /><br />You can't just bury the fact that one of your characters is the best golfer of all time in the middle of the setup.JShttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13974691019739092440noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-28377220538885561012009-09-22T20:18:40.959-04:002009-09-22T20:18:40.959-04:00Goodfellas meets Caddyshack. Hmm. Well, it might w...<i>Goodfellas</i> meets <i>Caddyshack</i>. Hmm. Well, it might work as a story concept, but your plotline (as stated here) is too farfetched--even for a "tragicomedy." I like over-the-top situations, but Query Shark is spot-on about them having to be believable. You lose us when the hero and the villain sound as though they're TSTL. Better to make them both clever, and worthy adversaries.Jude Hardinhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09994813046526310594noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-54481443391135324442009-09-22T13:36:34.038-04:002009-09-22T13:36:34.038-04:00I like the title too but it kind of reminds me of ...I like the title too but it kind of reminds me of THE DEVIL WEARS PRADA. It might confuse readers as to what this book actually is.Liesl Shurtliffhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09064620851881036609noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-48763936665411990182009-09-22T11:13:47.365-04:002009-09-22T11:13:47.365-04:00While you may reveal it in your writing, how does ...While you may reveal it in your writing, how does winning the Masters correlate with the son's safety? Is there some sort of bet? Why would they bet on the son winning the Masters of all things? Plus, why would the mob boss wager his entire fortune on the son loosing? It doesn't seem practical. <br /><br />In betting, you guess who's going to win, not lose. So while the mob boss may be trying to make the son lose, how is he making sure that the person he bets on wins? All of the people who compete in the Masters are skilled enough to win it, not just the son and whoever the rival are.Mimzyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17171454664231209553noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-91195751534031817182009-09-22T03:38:18.854-04:002009-09-22T03:38:18.854-04:00The fact that the son has to win the golf tourname...The fact that the son has to win the golf tournament before his 21st birthday takes away a lot of the suspense for me (unless the son is 20 years and eleven months old). <br /><br />Couldn't the protagonist uses "wealth and cunning" to plot against the mob boss, rather than just making his son continue to play golf? It's sort of like Tiger Woods meets the Godfather, which may be quirky, but it doesn't work for me.Marian Pererahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15700524210146863718noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-15849245901393754122009-09-21T12:45:34.627-04:002009-09-21T12:45:34.627-04:00K. Andrew Smith is bang on. The word who is superf...K. Andrew Smith is bang on. The word who is superfluous, sticks out like a sore thumb and tells us that this writer doesn't know grammar...a turn off.<br /><br />I agree with QS that the title is catchy but the plot completely unbelievable with the set-up provided.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-60331419810811747122009-09-21T12:14:49.404-04:002009-09-21T12:14:49.404-04:00Exactly what I was thinking, myimaginaryblog.Exactly what I was thinking, myimaginaryblog.Tintinhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15976209667609049159noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-60586510520927602552009-09-21T11:59:32.767-04:002009-09-21T11:59:32.767-04:00To me the title sounds way too derivative of "...To me the title sounds way too derivative of "The Devil Wears Prada."Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-54015455753494618262009-09-21T10:34:42.705-04:002009-09-21T10:34:42.705-04:00Julie,
The way I see it, the problem with that se...Julie,<br /><br />The way I see it, the problem with that sentence is the "who." I don't know the actual terms, but the "who" makes what follows it a description of the subject of the sentence, not the sentence itself.<br /><br />Removing the "who" would fix the sentence:<br /><br />"New York attorney Grayson Boldt, after the violent death of his wife and older son, strikes a deal with a mob boss to take revenge on the killer and protect his younger son."K. Andrew Smithhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01052411050241652529noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-63793387282550977712009-09-21T09:32:43.157-04:002009-09-21T09:32:43.157-04:00I agree with the form rejection, but I'm confu...I agree with the form rejection, but I'm confused about, "The sentence beginning New York attorney is inchoate; it doesn't have the necessary verb. Not very promising for the novel."<br /><br />It seems to me "strikes" as in "strikes a deal" is a verb. The clause before it could easily be removed or moved to the end of the sentence.Julie Weathershttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13725236516593676381noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-11459858259548016542009-09-21T07:51:38.624-04:002009-09-21T07:51:38.624-04:00Nice point revolutionsheep.
The sentence beginnin...Nice point revolutionsheep.<br /><br />The sentence beginning New York attorney is inchoate; it doesn't have the necessary verb. Not very promising for the novel.nonehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00415222406280230021noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-71368300804922213952009-09-20T22:59:28.492-04:002009-09-20T22:59:28.492-04:00It's odd that "resolute women" are a...It's odd that "resolute women" are a selling point, yet every character mentioned is male.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-2371132040509625632009-09-20T22:37:56.510-04:002009-09-20T22:37:56.510-04:00I might also mention that I got no sense of the qu...I might also mention that I got no sense of the quirky characters here. I love quirky; where was it?<br /><br />~TaraTara Lindsay Hallhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00970258984995282462noreply@blogger.com