tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post5675105449499269283..comments2024-03-16T01:00:59.945-04:00Comments on Query Shark: #174-Revised 4x FTWJanet Reidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00615380335938685231noreply@blogger.comBlogger66125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-63073220618510388682011-08-12T01:15:44.416-04:002011-08-12T01:15:44.416-04:00Shark--curious as to why no comments on the final ...Shark--curious as to why no comments on the final revision. I'm playing catch-up and am one year behind this query, so perhaps my fellow critics have moved on but for me this is the most shocking turnaround ftw I've yet read and I know I write in run-on sentences but so does Cormac McCarthy. Well done author.Robhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03538835819701656151noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-45145125314269257652011-07-06T14:20:54.430-04:002011-07-06T14:20:54.430-04:00Well done. Keep us posted :)Well done. Keep us posted :)jessehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16489502078962823639noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-41438843129061640402011-04-11T08:22:48.485-04:002011-04-11T08:22:48.485-04:00Reading the new version and re-reading the old one...Reading the new version and re-reading the old one, I'm noticing the phrase "a thing or two" pop up a lot (twice in this latest version.) Just something to be aware of.Katrina S. Foresthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00782678919561852444noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-46350936695537452752010-10-24T19:42:50.002-04:002010-10-24T19:42:50.002-04:00"With a briefcase in her hand and three inch ..."With a briefcase in her hand and three inch pumps on her feet,"<br />Personally I do this too, but sometimes I like to switch it up and wear the pumps on my hands whilst surfing with my briefcase....Ethereal_buddhahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10651209616204838484noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-60150524086886865092010-09-11T18:21:36.738-04:002010-09-11T18:21:36.738-04:00There's A LOT of material here--too much for m...There's A LOT of material here--too much for me to make any specific line suggestions. Before embarking on a resubmission, I'd strongly suggest focusing on word count: 250 max. It's going to seem like a daunting task, but it will force you to focus on the important elements of your story. Also, use the find command for all uses of the pronoun 'that' and try to delete them. 95% of the 'that' in your query should have been removed. <br /><br />Hope that helps<br />RAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-43460615593059755092010-09-08T19:44:29.431-04:002010-09-08T19:44:29.431-04:00Stepahnie Barr, I agree with you, but I would chan...Stepahnie Barr, I agree with you, but I would change Query Koala to Query Puppy or something, because Koalas are actually quite nasty when you get close to them, they just look cuddly from afar :-D<br />And the Query Shark has to accept comments, and says she doesn't accept any that are meanspirited or not helpful, so even if some seem mean, they must have some use.wizardonskis22https://www.blogger.com/profile/06685192078420924575noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-66906641252526843272010-09-08T19:13:08.294-04:002010-09-08T19:13:08.294-04:00Most of the commenters tend to tell the querier WH...Most of the commenters tend to tell the querier WHY they didn't like something, just as QS (though not with her authority, particularly in my case). I think that makes a difference.<br /><br />Better, I think, to hear the reasons why, even if they're discouraging, then an endless supply of no's with no explanation.<br /><br />#162 with 5 revisions, for example, really showed how paying attention repeated criticism can lead to success. That, I think, is what this is all about. I can't speak for everyone, but I want each one of these queries to succeed, not only because I want to learn something (and I've learned a great deal) but because I know how hard it is to be on the receiving end of anonymous no's. <br /><br />I want each and every author that comes here to learn what it takes to tell their story so, at least, the caliber of the query doesn't keep a great story from its intended audience.Stephanie Barrhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17772217449161603561noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-16763110830254327752010-09-08T15:58:17.390-04:002010-09-08T15:58:17.390-04:00You're right, Tiger (and Stephanie Barr), that...You're right, Tiger (and Stephanie Barr), that hard-nosed critique is preferable any day over empty positives. I just think there's a boundary between a shot in the arm and a blow to the heart (a wound in the shoulder, perhaps?)Unknownhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06778844984552621292noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-47357454216282816582010-09-07T17:48:34.783-04:002010-09-07T17:48:34.783-04:00Which is probably why it's Query Shark and not...Which is probably why it's Query Shark and not Query KoalaStephanie Barrhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17772217449161603561noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-17163178367269643102010-09-06T17:47:02.587-04:002010-09-06T17:47:02.587-04:00Idem,
I have to disagree a tiny bit. While I thin...Idem,<br /><br />I have to disagree a tiny bit. While I think it is easy to slip over the line of critique and in to being a jerk, I don't think that's really happened here. What irks me is that this author hasn't done basic research and has kept that up for two queries. What is this, 600 words? I find that exasperating. <br /><br />I will also say that, having spent the last two days working on a family member's book, that I do not think anyone is served by a big pat on the back for trying. (which I don't think this author did, really, or the thing would be a solid three hundred words. You know, standards) <br /><br />Positives are important, but no one should expect hugs.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-37151261379341982962010-09-06T12:25:21.640-04:002010-09-06T12:25:21.640-04:00The queries aren't getting worse; the comments...The queries aren't getting worse; the comments are getting harsher. Sometimes people offer useful suggestions, but all too often wrapped up in extreme and unwarranted negativity and condescension. I feel bad for this writer, who made a good-faith effort at revision after an initial shredding. Maybe there is still room for improvement (and isn't that always the case for all of us?), but surely it would be more productive just to offer comments and critiques without the prefatory stomping and snorting. I know that this would make the comment section infinitely more productive from my perspective as a reader.Unknownhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06778844984552621292noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-80246205188553657622010-09-04T21:36:39.730-04:002010-09-04T21:36:39.730-04:00Are the queries getting worse... or are we just ge...Are the queries getting worse... or are we just getting harsher? >_><br /><br />Also, please do change your character's name. "Ally" + young-quirky-lawyer immediately = roll-eyes.M. G. E.https://www.blogger.com/profile/08995766358224581297noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-79754344867817059322010-09-04T17:33:53.846-04:002010-09-04T17:33:53.846-04:00Knowing not much about this type of book, or anyth...Knowing not much about this type of book, or anything whatsoever about some TV lawyer named Ally, I can only comment about the query itself. It's long. Quite a mouthful, really. My advice: chop off the extra limbs. What's necessary? Only the head and torso, really. Maybe: lawyer named ally + shady, multiple-personality client + riveting, attractive opposition = problem. Ally can do this. Or, Ally can do that. Add a pinch of suspense to make the reader itch.<br />Top it off here with title, word count, credits, thanks for time and consideration, etc. You're done. 250 words, make it short and sweet. Maybe not perfect, but better than the long version. Most of that information is not necessary right now and does not make us want to read it more. Some does. You can do this! Enjoy! Good luck!wizardonskis22https://www.blogger.com/profile/06685192078420924575noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-55662549521669903892010-09-04T17:33:13.867-04:002010-09-04T17:33:13.867-04:00A few people, it seems from reading the comments, ...A few people, it seems from reading the comments, took the first client mentioned (the one with DID) as being the main client, and she/he isn't. Robyn is and her ailment has to do with suffering severe pain.<br /><br />AUTHOR: I agree you need to be clear on what exactly is happening and what we're dealing with, and probably the best thing you can do is keep to the main characters only. There will be a lot less mess and confusion for it. You also need to handle the psychological and medical aspects of your work at least as professionally as you handle the legal side of it.Teagenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10595226597188375674noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-38387481595317224972010-09-04T15:25:47.174-04:002010-09-04T15:25:47.174-04:00I second jdh's comments, which are encouragin...I second jdh's comments, which are encouraging and productive. I also love that you got an offer from a potential beta reader.<br /><br />Many of the comments here are quite harsh in a way that is about as helpful as saying, "bad, dog, bad!" Not sure dogs ever learn much from that, other than they're bad.<br /><br />Figure out the pieces of the story that jazz you the most. (Or try to remember them from before heavy boots stomped all over what may or may not be in the actual manuscript.) Chances are those are fresh ideas.<br /><br />Frankly, for many novelists it's hard, unintuitive work narrowing down a novel to a core concept. <br /><br />Ah! I tried this exercise this week (from Gayle Lynds, thriller writer). Maybe it will help you. Try writing what the villain wants (will the villain blah, blah, blah), the word OR, then what the hero wants (will the hero blah, blah, blah).<br /><br />This can be helpful for just seeing where the absolutely center of the book's engine is located. Then go back to Janet R's approach to query writing.<br /><br />I wish you success.<br /><br />DianeDiane_Holmeshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12208184005978234424noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-7600752117618820152010-09-04T02:02:48.777-04:002010-09-04T02:02:48.777-04:00These are opening arguments, but the jury box is e...These are opening arguments, but the jury box is empty. There are no wide-eyed jurors, dressed for church, lonely dogs following your movements. There’s no one in the box imagining their private production of Law & Order in which they get the last word. <br />This is a bench trial. There’s just a judge. And she doesn’t care if you’re wearing the pin stripes that help lift and separate. She knows the trick with the jewelry: the wedding ring and cross for an older jury, the flag pin for the middle aged folks and no ring at all for a younger jury but maybe that guy’s clumsy Iron Man sports watch you found between the headboard and mattress after it had been beeping for 10 minutes.<br />The opposing counsel is wearing that f*cking orange and black Princeton scarf that makes her look like she just pushed her fat head through a traffic cone. You know it’s not for the judge. It’s for you, and you take the bait. But she’s well-rested, prepared, and she’s running her finger across one of her iPads, editing her statement as you make the only sound in the room: the crinkle of paper.<br />So get on with it. Everyone’s a professional and no one cares about appearances. You've squared off the legal pad and laptop on the edge of your desk. Stand, resist clearing your throat and wiping your hands against your dress and say: Dear Query Shark. (242 words)Joel Brownhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11611692901113614564noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-28116717737693205002010-09-03T21:05:35.893-04:002010-09-03T21:05:35.893-04:00After reading all the other comments, I feel a lit...After reading all the other comments, I feel a little embarrassed admitting this... but it sounds like a fun beach read. That's not really a genre that I usually read, but it's a popular one and nothing in the plot sounds any dumber or any more ridiculous than anything in any other book of the same genre.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-62082758557787904672010-09-03T17:39:37.687-04:002010-09-03T17:39:37.687-04:00I wish you all the best, Author, I really do, but ...I wish you all the best, Author, I really do, but at this point I just don't think you're <i>ready.</i> Your writing is clunky, your descriptions are trite, your presentation of the problems and choices Ally faces are convoluted, and frankly you seem to have no idea what you're doing.<br /><br />If your book is written this way, I'd table it for now and look to something else for a few years. Do you read for fun? Get a couple good books and devour them, look for things as you read that you really like and want to emulate. A writer's style is personality built on a foundation of selective mimicry. You can't find your own voice until you can successfully incorporate facets of other writers'. <br /><br />I'm not aiming to be mean, Author. I want you to do well, and part of that means creating something <i>you</i> can be proud of. And, to be frank, I don't think you're proud of this query. I don't think you're proud of this novel. You're just cruising on the hope that it's good enough to set adrift into the sea of publishing so you don't have to put in any extra effort.<br /><br />There are snatches of powerful phrasing latent within this query. You have a developing voice, but just as you wouldn't shove a developing singer center stage, you don't want to put a developing novel on display.<br /><br />That said, if you wish to press on, here's my $1.98:<br /><br />*What is the <i>main</i> conflict of this novel? Is it Ally's family pressuring her to marry? Is it the personal injury case she suspects is a fraud? Is it her forbidden chemistry with the opposing counsel? I can't even <i>tell,</i> Author, and that is A Very Bad Thing.<br /><br />Describe your book in one sentence. Just one. Nono, <i>just</i> one. Read that sentence. Stare at it; scrutinize it. It is probably very long. Cut it in half. What does it say now?<br /><br />Your book has potential, Author. But even if you've got sixteen different angles within the manuscript, you can't inundate your query with complexities. I don't know what genre you're going for, or what the main conflict is, and I've read <i>two</i> versions of your query. For the sake of decent example, I'm going to take a wild stab and guess this is a romance where the main conflict is that Ally's going to look like a scammable idiot in front of the ex with whom she still has chemistry.<br /><br />The rest, as I said before, "is just backdrop."<br /><br />Also, I'm renaming her Rachel. Here's a go:<br /><br />Rachel Giordano just wants to be taken seriously. She's sick of being discounted as a lawyer for practicing personal injury. She's sick of being belittled by her family for not landing a husband. Most of all, she's sick of looking stupid in front of Nicolas Sourvanos, the savvy and successful defense attorney who <i>used</i> to be an old flame.<br /><br />The problem is, Rachel just can't seem to catch a break. Her current client is a total nutjob, and the charges are most likely a scam, but with Nick representing the defense Rachel will do just about anything to push her client's agenda, just to show Nick once and for all. <br /><br />Her conscience bleeding out in one hand and her briefcase heavy in the other, Rachel can't keep herself together any longer. She needs help, and the only one stepping up is Nick himself. If she accepts, Rachel could look the ultimate fool, but she isn't so sure her personal integrity can handle this case alone.<br /><br />Personal Injury is a debut romance at 90k words. Thank you for your time and consideration.D.N.Frosthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02827587824214274008noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-20971023592364697272010-09-03T09:42:07.168-04:002010-09-03T09:42:07.168-04:00I'm not sure, but I believe the plot would be ...I'm not sure, but I believe the plot would be how to represent a client with multiple personality and make them credible. That would be your focus point, if not then you lost me all together.<br /><br />Also you should never give out the ending of the book. It kills the suspense, and desire to read on. <br /><br />Write it long and then start cutting out leaving only the facts. Quick and to the point is what you want.<br /><br />Demonstrate the problem, and what difficulties the lawyer has to go thru to prevail, leaving the question in the Agents mind, "Will the lawyer be able to win this fight?" causing the Agent to want to read more. This is your goal with the Query Letter.Orlandohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10103458688711351378noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-55597883363486411522010-09-03T01:25:02.420-04:002010-09-03T01:25:02.420-04:00Is the romance the focus of the plot with the B-pl...Is the romance the focus of the plot with the B-plot being the insurance scam, or is it the other way around? This will influence your query and your genre.<br /><br />The reason your voice keeps falling flat is because you keep using this high and stuffy, prim and proper diction that's very formal and blocky and multisyllabical. Be less formal. You're sounding a whole lot like a lawyer in this one.<br /><br />Beyond that you ventured into synopsis and the length was far too long.<br /><br />I actually think this query was worse than the first, but that leads me to another issue:<br /><br />Time spent polishing a query.<br /><br />So you spend, what, a year or so actually writing and revising your novel? Yet it's only been four days since your first query went up and you already have a revision submitted? How is that possible?<br /><br />A good query can quite literally take -weeks- to draft and polish before you're ready to send it out. Your book won't get read if your query isn't up to snuff. Your query is a show-case of your skill as a writer and your ability to write to a very specific audience: the agent.<br /><br />If you choose to revise this again, do yourself a favor:<br />1. Draft a new query from scratch.<br />2. Read the entire Query Shark website from beginning to end.<br />3. Re-read the query you drafted in step 1 and laugh at it with your new-found query-critiquing skills.<br />4. Draft an all new query.<br />5. Polish, revise, polish, revise.<br />6. Have a few grammar-nazi friends comb it for fleas.<br />7. Polish, revise, polish revise.<br />8. Trim the fat: excess words, cliches, unnecessary adjectives, etc.<br />9. Let it sit for a whole week and don't look at it. Then come back after that week with fresh eyes, read it again, polish, revise.<br />10. Send it out when it's done, when it's the best thing you could possibly have created.M. G. E.https://www.blogger.com/profile/08995766358224581297noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-46815853882562930102010-09-02T16:16:44.466-04:002010-09-02T16:16:44.466-04:00Oy Vey! My aching head…I want to believe the autho...Oy Vey! My aching head…I want to believe the author of this query is a decent writer and the book is interesting and enticing. Unfortunately, I see none of this in the query. In fact, what is included in the query still sounds hopelessly cliché and worse - boring. Why should I care about a character that appears to be a complete ditz and well…ethically challenged. Does she invite Nick to come along on her surveillance work [there’s that ethical stuff again] because she’s hot for him or because she is trying to prove something? Her client’s a liar? And, most of all, why should anyone care? And, yes, it is clunky and awkward and dull. If the story itself has any similarity to the query, I urge you, with no nasty intent, to join a writer’s group, take some classes, hook up with some other writers, anything that will help you develop your ideas into a coherent, cliché-less and enticing piece of work.Irene Troyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11839666907158210573noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-47725511868294614302010-09-02T15:34:15.002-04:002010-09-02T15:34:15.002-04:00Maybe it's just because I've been stuck in...Maybe it's just because I've been stuck in the insurance business for a few years now, but this is starting to look like something I'd actually read.<br /><br />the query's still got a ways to go and I'm guessing the novel itself could use some polishing, but this is leaps and bounds better than the last attempt. I think there's something here. Keep trying writer, I'm rooting for you.tlbodinehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08334888426768433724noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-85143458421972946232010-09-02T14:06:03.449-04:002010-09-02T14:06:03.449-04:00Must. Edit.Comments.
I hate reading my own commen...Must. Edit.Comments.<br /><br />I hate reading my own comments and wondering if I should start drinking coffee.Stephanie Barrhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17772217449161603561noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-7152385468928955782010-09-02T13:51:27.207-04:002010-09-02T13:51:27.207-04:00I don't usually chime in but this part made me...I don't usually chime in but this part made me so annoyed I just had to say something:<br /><br />Ally learns that her client has a psychiatric illness that causes her to turn into various alter egos. Ally is forced to contend with two of them; a southern gal and a pirate.<br /><br />You've had several lawyers offer advice, so here's some from someone with a background in psychology: Those two sentences alone make it painfully obvious that you have no understanding of Dissociative Identity Disorder (formerly known as Multiple Personality Disorder).<br /><br />A quick Google search of this very serious disorder could tell you how off base you are. <br /><br />I can see that you're trying to write a fun book with quirky characters and situations, and there's nothing wrong with that. Your book should have interesting characters. Just do your homework before tackling a field that you obviously no nothing about. <br /><br />Nothing will turn away readers (and I'm guessing agents) faster than reading about something very important to them in your novel and feeling like you couldn't even take the time to get your facts straight.Alisahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08102512172985725726noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-36705946480071165742010-09-02T10:12:57.652-04:002010-09-02T10:12:57.652-04:00Oh man, are you the Bride of Lise77? Did this quer...Oh man, are you the Bride of Lise77? Did this query actually get longer? It certainly feels like it. And the ear is just as tin as ever. Truly, the hands and feet sentence is so clunky that it makes me think you can't do description. <br /><br />What kind of dullard is this Ally if her marriage-pushing family and her gossip-hungry girlfriends are significant problems for her? Does Nick actually belittle her in open court? I certainly don't take her seriously. <br /><br />Then comes the jargon. You have been well advised by QS to delete or rewrite plenty. I can add:<br /><br />"Ally goes as far as conducting surveillance." <i>(Ally decides to snoop around herself)</i><br /><br />"she uncovers some secrets about Robyn’s past that make the legitimacy of her claim questionable" <i>(She digs up some dirt on Robyn that makes her wonder about that "injury.")</i><br /><br />"This makes it likely that the two of them staged the accident" <i>(Ally will never know if the two of them gamed the system)</i>Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com