tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post6111415068651894329..comments2024-03-16T01:00:59.945-04:00Comments on Query Shark: #136-revised 4x-For the WinJanet Reidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00615380335938685231noreply@blogger.comBlogger23125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-85709051943541888022010-07-30T13:19:38.088-04:002010-07-30T13:19:38.088-04:00Just want to point out that an "Arab fundamen...Just want to point out that an "Arab fundamentalist" and a "Muslim fundamentalist" would not be the same thing.<br /><br />Confusion about this is probably why it was so easy for people to accept an invasion of Iraq to stop people based in Afghanistan.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04618581377043670636noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-55910311495128523062010-03-31T18:07:47.248-04:002010-03-31T18:07:47.248-04:00Ow, you made me snort coffee up my nose. "Ho...Ow, you made me snort coffee up my nose. "How did they find one another? On Craigslist...." LOL<br /><br />Most of the bombs going off now-at least on TV- are trigged remotely by cell phones. It seems that blowing up the towers would be a self defeating action. <br /><br />Plus, it's hard to top Stephen King's book "Cell" in protest of cell phones. Not that it can't be done but it's a pretty high benchmark. <br /><br />Think bigger-terrorists are called terrorists because they perform random terrifying acts of murder, destruction and mayhem. Losing cell service is an inconvenience. What's Terrifying to you? I mean bone chilling, can't breathe, pleases, please make it go away, I'll do anything if you stop, terrifying to you? Write about That. If You're terrified, then we'll be terrified reading it and cheering for the good guys from the very first page.<br /><br />That said, it's a good start and hey, you finished the novel and put yourself out there and that's HUGE!<br /><br />Congratulations!laughingpawshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05777185604211167539noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-49553526936995037882009-11-02T13:47:57.341-05:002009-11-02T13:47:57.341-05:00At least it's set in Cleveland! More Cleveland...At least it's set in Cleveland! More Cleveland books, say I.Dan Krokoshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15909774592957106430noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-13708685735552380052009-11-01T03:19:36.766-05:002009-11-01T03:19:36.766-05:00Wish I had better news for you, but I have to agre...Wish I had better news for you, but I have to agree with all the above: opening with a rhetorical question, too many details, too many characters, lack of conflict, no reason to really care about any particular character, implausible "plot," and a flat, deus ex machina ending.Unknownhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16698804783275442825noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-46031674106380378952009-10-31T06:48:07.642-04:002009-10-31T06:48:07.642-04:00The word "improbable" is a red flag for ...The word "improbable" is a red flag for me. It makes me think that the writer also realizes that the events in the book are highly unlikely.Marian Pererahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15700524210146863718noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-54293912988091133752009-10-30T15:15:38.574-04:002009-10-30T15:15:38.574-04:00Scotch doesn't need refrigeration :)Scotch doesn't need refrigeration :)Spiced Apple Eyehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05421630823448644286noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-19755022376373615122009-10-28T18:38:09.700-04:002009-10-28T18:38:09.700-04:00This comment has been removed by the author.Morihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12918462221655696054noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-31559082469211955142009-10-28T14:04:55.907-04:002009-10-28T14:04:55.907-04:00terrorists? muslim fundamentalists? eco terrorists...terrorists? muslim fundamentalists? eco terrorists? that only underscores the level of brainwashing we have been undermined by. Who are the real ecoterrorists and assassins? Ripping down a cell tower is an act of self defense. The health problems caused by towers and phones has already been confirmed by thousands of studies world wide. more info: http://www.wirelesswatchblog.comAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-44745389256533003142009-10-28T11:10:04.353-04:002009-10-28T11:10:04.353-04:00If this query represents the plot of your novel, t...If this query represents the plot of your novel, than you need to return to the drawing board. Every other novel being proposed today seems to include references to so-called Arab Fundamentalists, Muslim Fundamentalist, eco-terrorists, etc. First, the terms are not accurate – it would help if you took a moment to understand the difference between terrorism and the practice of Religion [Arab is an ethnicity, Muslim is a religion and fundamentalist is an adherent to the fundamentals of a religion or belief system.] A fundamentalist is not a terrorist – in any religion or ethnicity. However, the real turn off here is not just that of poor use of language. Instead, the entire theme is overdone and over-extended. Since September 11th it seems that every would-be writer is including some mention of terrorism in their work. If you want to write a thriller, start with a fresh premise, not one that is overworked to death (no pun intended).Irene Troyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11839666907158210573noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-75819700442516763882009-10-28T00:25:29.211-04:002009-10-28T00:25:29.211-04:00Others have pointed this out already, but the thin...Others have pointed this out already, but the thing that gave me the most pause was "Arab fundamentalist". "Arab" is an ethnicity, not a faith. It's like saying a "Hispanic fundamentalist". I would hope that characters working for Homeland Security would know the difference. (Perhaps I am being naive.) <br /><br />This is my first time posting a comment, as it's the first new point since I discovered this blog. I love it and all the bits of wisdom I find here! Thanks QS!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-13243004311703682532009-10-28T00:10:51.030-04:002009-10-28T00:10:51.030-04:00All that deep sea snacking must have given The Sha...All that deep sea snacking must have given The Shark supernatural fortitude. (wow, say that 5 times fast...) I could barely skim through this.<br /><br />So far as the rhetorical question, my first thought was "It's that giant worm thing from Tremors!" Probably not the visual you were going for. <br /><br />And "Arab" isn't a belief system, it's an ethnicity, so there's no such thing as a "fundamental Arab". Details like that are something you should hash out before you try and put them in a story (much less a query) - you probably use it wrong in the book, too, which isn't a good thing.Josin L. McQueinhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05751043333147850336noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-91072760698900656102009-10-27T20:59:01.395-04:002009-10-27T20:59:01.395-04:00Doctor Query bows to the extraordinary analytical ...Doctor Query bows to the extraordinary analytical powers of Query Shark.<br /><br />Kudos to the writers who are fearless enough to submit their query letters for review in public!<br /><br />That is all.<br /><br />Doctor QueryAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-37982599508485847692009-10-27T19:39:31.915-04:002009-10-27T19:39:31.915-04:00I think there are too many details in the query. E...I think there are too many details in the query. Entice me, don't drown me with details. That will make my eyes cross.<br /> Conflict, motivation and ultimate goal. One sentence on each and then build your query from there.Aimlesswriterhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03012050763172251381noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-73872548868790837382009-10-27T18:52:23.250-04:002009-10-27T18:52:23.250-04:00I stopped reading after the first paragraph. It ap...I stopped reading after the first paragraph. It appears as if "What if?" should not be its own sentence, but, rather, should be combined with the next sentence. The exclamation is over the top, and I'm not certain why I should care about a tower falling over when, as you state, it was "nothing remarkable." I definitely suggest starting with paragraph 2, where you actually get into the meat of the story.<br /><br />Best of luck!JESSJORDANhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08915521022827231804noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-19869161370877029192009-10-27T17:30:51.962-04:002009-10-27T17:30:51.962-04:00OH NO! They blew up cell phone towers - egad! I&...OH NO! They blew up cell phone towers - egad! I'm terrified of those terrorists!<br /><br />This is why I don't try to write action novels, much less ones about terrorists and cell phone towers.Camhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14616864733517357403noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-52540333698062626662009-10-27T17:18:29.019-04:002009-10-27T17:18:29.019-04:00I'm sorry but I can't get past the first p...I'm sorry but I can't get past the first paragraph to even analyze the rest of it. I live in the Cleveland area. I know the roads, the highways (don't call them freeways here, sorry), and I know that if a cell phone tower fell over by I-71 during freaking rush hour, a lot more people than a guy named Peter would notice it and/or care. It would be broadcast on the five o'clock news, six o'clock news, and ten o'clock news (all umpteen channels of them, just for the Cleveland area...you do the math).<br /><br />Also, if the novel is written in the same style/voice of this query, I don't think I could get through the first chapter.Lydia Sharphttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15328254761920829040noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-82361834961841039192009-10-27T16:47:45.982-04:002009-10-27T16:47:45.982-04:00What's shaking down for me is how tightly an a...What's shaking down for me is how tightly an agent filters what they read. This is a revelation.Heath Quinnhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08706425684021044766noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-69257544001382590712009-10-27T15:41:48.320-04:002009-10-27T15:41:48.320-04:00Hmmm. Perhaps "Arab Fundamentalist" isn...Hmmm. Perhaps "Arab Fundamentalist" isn't the right term "Jihadist" maybe. Could The seemingly low terror cell phone tower destructions, have a purpose the eco-couple don't know about i.e. the communication interuption happens at exactly the same time as a 9/11 or massive bombing occurs.<br /> The same couple that planned to be terrorist can end up helping Homeland Security so it isn't so deus ex machina.<br />Good Luck! Very brave to send query. Maybe I'll be brave enough some day.Unknownhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07032863076259262847noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-86347392235235239602009-10-27T12:49:04.440-04:002009-10-27T12:49:04.440-04:00Like Lehcarjt, I'd think of kids pulling prank...Like Lehcarjt, I'd think of kids pulling pranks or faulty construction if I saw a cell tower "just fall over" on my way to work. Eco-terrorists and fundamentalists would be the last thing on my mind if there were no explosions or anything flashy to witness. And like darlas-mom, I'd expect eco-terrorists to go after something bigger and uglier if they didn't like blights on the landscape. Unfortunately, it all sounds very contrived, and I have to agree that the punctuation doesn't help. And the fact that I don't understand the motivations for any of the characters makes them seem all a bit more juvenile than they're supposed to be, like they're just causing trouble for the sake of it.Kristin Laughtinhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01536556357622503501noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-28928739026963610582009-10-27T12:21:23.555-04:002009-10-27T12:21:23.555-04:00I have to say, not only is wanton destruction of c...I have to say, not only is wanton destruction of cellphone towers a weird and comparably harmless variety of terrorism, but doing so because cellphone towers are "an ugly blight on the landscape" is the LAMEST motivation I've ever heard of. Is this guy a mentally unstable art snob? I mean, seriously. This doesn't sound like a motivation any believably human character would have.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-83681226545988915532009-10-27T12:04:12.697-04:002009-10-27T12:04:12.697-04:00Your enthusiasm for your story really shines throu...Your enthusiasm for your story really shines through in this query! <br /><br />My advice would be to focus on your story's inciting incident, rather than outlining the entire story. The inciting incident is what convinces readers to plough through 300 pages to find out what happens, so describing it is the most economical way to hook an agent's attention also.<br /><br />I was at a conference recently where several presenters mentioned that passion really resonates with readers; if your passion shows in your novel as well as in your query, that's a definite strength.jjdebenedictishttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16950592240599703771noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-22936944053666154382009-10-27T11:52:28.089-04:002009-10-27T11:52:28.089-04:00There were so many characters and character names ...There were so many characters and character names floating around that I coudln't remember who was who and why they were important or how they worked into the plot. Peter, Mike, and Gregory are all names that sound very much indistinguishable - white middle class vanillaish. Rachel, the fundamentalist and all the secret people add more confusion rather than clarity. Focus on Peter on his goal, motivation, and obstacles. Dump the rest from the query to keep from confusing us.<br /><br />I actually liked the idea of someone blowing up celltowers (I have no idea what a cell tower looks like though - and I don't live in NYC. We have strict regulations on keeping them hidden.), but I thought it would be a bunch of teenagers as this seems more like a prank that serious terrorism.<br /><br />However, the number one reason I would not be interested in reading further is the use of exclamation points. I 'hear' them as a perky Texas co-ed using a cheerleader bullhorn.Lehcarjthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17171145477602995121noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-66499188973394035352009-10-27T10:29:06.474-04:002009-10-27T10:29:06.474-04:00This gave me pause too: "All of the key playe...This gave me pause too: "All of the key players travel to Cleveland to witness the results of this epic act of destruction. Finally, Homeland Security steps in at the last minute, stops the destruction, and arrests the perpetrators - at least most of them."<br /><br />In the first sentence, all the major characters travel to the climax so they can <i>witness</i> it. Then someone else comes in and saves the day.<br /><br />At worst, this is <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Deus_ex_machina" rel="nofollow">deus ex machina</a>. At best, it's a flat ending in which the major characters do nothing important.<br /><br />I'm guessing this is a problem with the way the query is written rather than the story. Either way, it should be fixed, I think.Adam Heinehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02225813532455467868noreply@blogger.com