tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post6144465647537673315..comments2024-03-16T01:00:59.945-04:00Comments on Query Shark: #13-revisions-2nd RevisionJanet Reidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00615380335938685231noreply@blogger.comBlogger9125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-18547153855615882342008-04-26T20:04:00.000-04:002008-04-26T20:04:00.000-04:00I was fine with "uncontrolled bursts," but I think...I was fine with "uncontrolled bursts," but I think in all, the whole thing was too wordy.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11431700962951592287noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-80749332195009139792008-04-26T02:54:00.000-04:002008-04-26T02:54:00.000-04:00as author, thanks for all your comments. This quer...as author, thanks for all your comments. This query has resulted in two requests for partials. Out of two query letters sent, I don't think that's too bad. Yes, I think people not familiar with the genre might not 'get' it. <BR/><BR/>The PS note was for clarifcation of the last line. I always read agents' websites and do whatever the instructions are. Sometimes they want an E-mail first. Sometimes they just want the package. I think the Shark's comments on that line (which of course DOESN'T go in the query letter - duh) are a bit too focused on her agency's requirements.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-38486391231023927892008-04-26T01:34:00.000-04:002008-04-26T01:34:00.000-04:00jjdebenedictus- Thanks! That's good to know. I ...jjdebenedictus- Thanks! That's good to know. I hope to get an agent that reps both when I start querying. My current MS is soft sci-fi and I plan to pitch it just as sci-fi, but I do have ideas for future novels that are more science fantasy.Kristin Laughtinhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01536556357622503501noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-57429604978302128842008-04-25T20:04:00.000-04:002008-04-25T20:04:00.000-04:00Kristin: I got an agent by pitching my book as sci...<B>Kristin:</B> I got an agent by pitching my book as science fantasy, but she's an agent who specializes in science fiction and fantasy--I knew she would "get" it. <BR/><BR/>I was hesitant to pitch the book as science fantasy to other agents. In those cases, I just called it fantasy, but I don't know if that was wise, or a case of not giving the other agents enough credit. <BR/><BR/>Miss Shark? Any thoughts on the issue?jjdebenedictishttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16950592240599703771noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-40838638253965490712008-04-25T19:47:00.000-04:002008-04-25T19:47:00.000-04:00Hmm, I meant "science-fiction reader". Honest. I...Hmm, I meant "science-fiction reader". Honest. I do not think I am a genre!nonehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00415222406280230021noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-3790150456689474942008-04-25T18:51:00.000-04:002008-04-25T18:51:00.000-04:00Hmm. Even as a science-fiction for many years, I ...Hmm. Even as a science-fiction for many years, I have little idea what "uncontrolled bursts" means. Does she crisp everything around her? If so, how has her family survived? How has she avoided becoming conspicuous?nonehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00415222406280230021noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-47397154069695999902008-04-25T18:04:00.000-04:002008-04-25T18:04:00.000-04:00Agent Janet, thanks much for doing this. I've lear...Agent Janet, thanks much for doing this. I've learned a ton already.<BR/><BR/>Seems to me queriers get in trouble when they write "meanwhile" or "and then" - that's a sure sign they're going into too much plot detail.<BR/><BR/>If there's one lesson queriers need to learn: Less is more.Josephine Damianhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17952030380866201241noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-12054750729236155152008-04-25T17:50:00.000-04:002008-04-25T17:50:00.000-04:00I also think "uncontrolled bursts" is fine. She s...I also think "uncontrolled bursts" is fine. She sucks in energy, and it all explodes out of her at once. I agree with the rest of the issues with the vague language, however.<BR/><BR/>This query brought up a question I've had for a while. Is it generally OK to refer to your story as "soft sci-fi"? Or even something like "science fantasy"? I understand books may be marketed that way, but it seems to me that agents want the broadest possible term for the genre in the query letter, just for ease of categorization.Kristin Laughtinhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01536556357622503501noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-87243541679003272952008-04-25T11:12:00.000-04:002008-04-25T11:12:00.000-04:00I disagree with the shark on a few points. I think...I disagree with the shark on a few points. I think "uncontrolled bursts" is fine. A science fiction reader probably can imagine what that means, and adding more might be too much detail.<BR/><BR/><I>She is shocked that he wants her as brood mare and refuses to believe his claim that Iztho’s home nation wants to use their abilities in warfare, insisting Daya is just jealous.</I><BR/><BR/>I think the shark read this line incorrectly. I understood it to mean the Iztho home nation wants to use Jessica and Daya's abilities for warfare. That fact would be clearer, however, if you changed "their" to "her", so the abilities in question are Jessica's alone. After all, she's the one the Iztho have got; they can't use Daya's abilities.<BR/><BR/>I do agree with the Shark on a few points also, however--chiefly that Daya comes across as creepy and icky. By stressing in the first paragraph that Daya sees Jessica as a way to get children (creepy issue #1), it makes his "wild search" for her seem possessive and disturbing (creepy issue #2), and makes the line about Jessica hoping for Daya's "forgiveness" read oddly (creepy issue #3). He sounds kinda like those controlling men who talk their girlfriends into thinking healthy self-determination is somehow an affront and a wrong done to their man. Jessica only made an honest mistake, after all, and she doesn't owe Daya anything at this point, given that she's never met him outside of visions.<BR/><BR/>You could probably fix the creepy tone by altering the first paragraph. Try to make Daya sound affectionate about Jessica, and make his expectations for the future sound more like moopey romantic dreams rather than diabolical plots. Focus on his healthy emotions, and then the rest his actions will seem sweet rather than disturbing.<BR/><BR/>Good luck with this! It sounds like a nifty book, and I think your query is in pretty good shape already.jjdebenedictishttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16950592240599703771noreply@blogger.com