tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post6262109331731536931..comments2024-03-16T01:00:59.945-04:00Comments on Query Shark: #127-revised 3xJanet Reidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00615380335938685231noreply@blogger.comBlogger30125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-31805547869895003662013-02-02T17:07:24.967-05:002013-02-02T17:07:24.967-05:00Hi Jackie,
Beaver Island has an interesting histo...Hi Jackie,<br /><br />Beaver Island has an interesting history and sometimes truth is strang-er than fiction.<br /><br />I can only hope I caught the essence of BI, but I've never been there. I lived in northern Michigan,travelled to the UP and Mackinaw Island(which I'm sure isn't anything like BI). I hope to visit BI this summer to see if I got the lay of the land correct.<br /><br />In the story is also the War of Whiskey Point, Strang's wierd predilection for woman's clothes, his affair with Charles Douglas, Strang's fiscal policies that lead to his downfall, buried golden plates, hidden money in Fox Lake, and the eventual assassination of King Strang.<br /><br />It is fiction, but I would appreciate the opinion of someone that grew up with the legend and the historical King Strang.<br /><br />Please contact me at kchurch15@msn dot comKreggerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07229620504046221727noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-89612429560699546352013-01-18T12:15:43.286-05:002013-01-18T12:15:43.286-05:00I actually grew up on Beaver Island, so let me set...I actually grew up on Beaver Island, so let me set the record straight. Strang was a Mormon leader who lived on Beaver Island and declared Beaver Island its own country then made himself king. Fact. Strang was shot and killed by his own people, the weapon never to be found (until my friend, scuba diving in the harbor, found a revolver historians suspect is the murder weapon). People who live there still call him King Strang. There is a hotel called the King Strang Hotel. <br /><br />It's crazy to me that people have never heard of this since I grew up with the stories. I've always been surprised that Hollywood hasn't snatched this bit up already and turned it into a feature film. <br /><br />This history is an amazing one that always seems to get swept under the rug, even in other parts of Michigan. I think this has a lot to do with BI's isolation from the rest of the world (one of the reasons behind Strang declaring it his own country and no one in the federal government giving a rat's a**). I'm excited that this writer is tackling this story and hope he or she can fully capture the essence of what we Islanders affectionately refer to as "the Island."Jackiehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15705146710204520355noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-81248013001664009632012-12-09T10:55:28.015-05:002012-12-09T10:55:28.015-05:00I agree, much better query. But for some reason, ...I agree, much better query. But for some reason, I thought it was futuristic. I was surprised when I got to the alternative history part and then read the original to see where this story came from. But I got a good sense of the protagonist, what's at stake, and so on. I don't think it will take much to make this query perfect. Certainly an interesting plot. Theresa Milsteinhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03477761307315565259noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-45382198530788359632009-09-17T08:42:38.215-04:002009-09-17T08:42:38.215-04:00Thank you very much, Charles. I went back to the ...Thank you very much, Charles. I went back to the English version of Pere Hennepin's diary of events. The ship was referred to as 'the Griffon'. In William Ratigan's book, he listed the ship's name as 'the Griffin'. My second language is Spanglish, I know how to order dos beers at the local mexican restaurant. I will amend my ms to reflect gramatically what a group of French explorers would name their ship in French, not Frenglish.<br /><br />To all other contributors, I doff my hat, thank you. I have written a new query for Madam Shark to peruse and to tear into with her sharp teeth. Thank you everyone.Kreggerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07229620504046221727noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-35526753699491739682009-09-14T17:17:51.044-04:002009-09-14T17:17:51.044-04:00Hi there,
Just a quick word on a small detail, in...Hi there,<br /><br />Just a quick word on a small detail, in French, it is "Le Griffon". Griffin is English (no "le" in English).<br /><br />http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Le_Griffon<br /><br />Best regards and good luck!Unknownhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07568188117011949959noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-68407055264954582332009-09-03T08:39:44.993-04:002009-09-03T08:39:44.993-04:00Look at the column to right of the top query. It s...Look at the column to right of the top query. It says, Read the Directions and follow them. The address is in the same column below the Fiction only subtitle. For best results, You should click on the link, "If you want your query posted, read and follow these directions." Good luck.Kreggerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07229620504046221727noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-55901899606252170002009-09-02T10:06:53.371-04:002009-09-02T10:06:53.371-04:00What is Query Shark's email that you send your...What is Query Shark's email that you send your queries to?Robhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12976612173724718380noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-69808253303059362692009-08-22T08:28:41.963-04:002009-08-22T08:28:41.963-04:00I think you need to cut this into two or three sho...I think you need to cut this into two or three short paragraphs. Give me main character and the goals and motivation in quick easy sentences.<br /><br />--<br />glovin<br /><a href="http://www.telekomx.mobi/lp1/iwaybpo/" rel="nofollow">Home Security Systems no CREDIT CHECK everyone is approved</a>glovinhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00169912224080951068noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-74138016746939616172009-08-21T16:31:40.311-04:002009-08-21T16:31:40.311-04:00I may be an idiot in asking this question, but I c...I may be an idiot in asking this question, but I cannot find a contact email address to send in my query. Anyone want to help me out? <br /><br />It may be that I'm new to blogger, so go easy on me!Nicolettehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04235387990495348455noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-39576740062223864492009-08-19T19:43:05.708-04:002009-08-19T19:43:05.708-04:00We at BBAW are trying to contact you!!
Please ema...We at BBAW are trying to contact you!!<br /><br />Please email mypalamyATgmailDOTcom for information about YOUR Book Blogger Appreciation Week nomination.<br /><br />Congratulations!!bethany (dreadlock girl)https://www.blogger.com/profile/02565178664993925800noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-42787132990485962642009-08-17T23:00:21.097-04:002009-08-17T23:00:21.097-04:00The first sentence had the spark of an interesting...The first sentence had the spark of an interesting idea; the rest spiraled down into an uninspiring plop.<br /><br />You're launching into backstory and rambling. What you want to say is that the insane daughter of a medicine man kills herself to make this ship the Flying Dutchman of Niagara Falls. The curse she started reaches into the distant past, making the ancestors of those on board a grumpy, murderous lot. (Or do you mean descendants?) (Can dead/undead people have kids?) And because they're so unheroic and unloveable, it takes them a couple hundred years to break the curse and finally die.<br /><br />Some parts of your word use and sentence structure worry me.<br /><br />For query advice, read through the archives here and on the blogs of Evil Editor, The Rejecter, and Miss Snark. Evil Editor does a lot of query critiques; The Rejecter and Miss Snark have more straightforward advice about submitting and agents.<br /><br />If this is your first query and your book is that long, I'm betting this is one of your first novels. I'd advise leaving it for a while before you go back to it. Whenever I do that, I realize how bad the novel really was. And then I keep writing, and get better, and occasionally write something worthwhile. I've yet to finish a good novel, though._*rachel*_https://www.blogger.com/profile/03293167107180931700noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-72276977670196660252009-08-12T18:02:48.203-04:002009-08-12T18:02:48.203-04:00As someone who lives in Michigan, even I was confu...As someone who lives in Michigan, even I was confused by this query. It took me until the end to realize that Le Griffin was actually the name of the famous old shipwreck rather then a boat with a similar name. The whole 'Mormon King of Beaver Island' threw me a little as well. While he was Mormon and while he did declare himself King, I've never seen him referred to in that way. In the history books I've seen he's usually always just the 'King of Beaver Island' with the Mormon bit dropped.<br /><br />Also, I hate to say it, but I think you may need to do more research. I've seen varying stories, but there were likely between 6 and 30 souls on the boat when it sank, all of them male. This was during the time of the French fur traders, after all, where there were very few frontier women compared to all the trappers. <br /><br />What did you mean by calling the ship 'The Flying Dutchman?' One typically only refers to the fabled ship as that. Plus, for all it's hype, The Griffen wasn't the first ship lost in the Great Lakes. Before it, the Frontenac sank in Lake Ontario as well as several canoes. It was also built and lost by La Salle so I've never understood why it wasn't famous either.<br /><br />A good premise though. If France settles with Michigan and the GLEB and gives them salvage rights this is sure to be a hot news topic when the ship is recovered.Mimzyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17171454664231209553noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-52915889837648482062009-08-12T17:34:53.852-04:002009-08-12T17:34:53.852-04:00Lehcarit, if James Strange and followers broke awa...Lehcarit, if James Strange and followers broke away from the church and its doctrine, they were no longer Mormon. Technically, he should be called the Strange King. <br /><br />And JS, wow, I think you're the only one to whom it occurred that the passengers / crew might already have had children. I'm embarrassed to say it never crossed my mind. I'll bet when people start asking those trick questions like "where the survivors were buried," that you get all the answers right.astrologymemphis.blogspot.comhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08094432734141490681noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-38617511696726249842009-08-12T16:10:39.528-04:002009-08-12T16:10:39.528-04:00There's a couple of really interesting ideas i...There's a couple of really interesting ideas in this: I like the cursed ship, the "Mormon King" (first I've heard of him, and how fascinating!), and I even like the idea of the curse on the ship affecting future generations.<br /><br />BUT this is not ready.<br /><br />Confusing the words "ancestors" and "descendants" in the query is the most dramatic argument against the book's being ready for publication. That's a basic element of the plot, and you aren't using the right language to describe it.<br /><br />Dear querier, PLEASE get some beta-readers and trade editing with another writer. <br /><br />Also, you are very wordy. This augurs well for your being able to cut this down to a reasonable length.<br /><br />Good luck.<br /><br /><i>I'm a little confused on how the crew can have "future children" if they were all killed?</i><br /><br />I think the idea is that the crew members already had children at home when they were cursed and killed, and that the curse passed on to those children and to their descendants.<br /><br />Again, the querier's language is getting in the way of the ideas they're trying to express.JShttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13974691019739092440noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-25710053694867281742009-08-12T14:31:32.545-04:002009-08-12T14:31:32.545-04:00I wanted to why she HAD to place a curse on the bo...I wanted to why she HAD to place a curse on the boat....yeah there were voices....but what?<br /><br />CVCharlee Hoffmanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10099462071003630195noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-21613245896298490692009-08-12T13:47:51.173-04:002009-08-12T13:47:51.173-04:00I learned the hard way, but I learned. (#112) Pay ...I learned the hard way, but I learned. (#112) Pay the MOST attention to answering Janet's questions. This comment section might be helpful, but the comments might also lead you astray!<br />Ms. Reid is the agent: first and foremost follow <i>her</i> lead.<br /><br />good luck, and congratulations for having your query chosen!Patience-pleasehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13262203054740351060noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-62616713156729056212009-08-11T23:35:19.880-04:002009-08-11T23:35:19.880-04:00The Mormon King caught me too. I am Mormon and I&...The Mormon King caught me too. I am Mormon and I've never heard of him. <br /><br />I googled it though and he is real. James Strange (and a few followers) broke off from the main church (physically and doctrinally) and ended up living on an island in Lake Michigan. They became the Strangites (so not making fun of that name.) where he reigned (badly) until two neighbors shot him in the back. <br /><br />I learn something new everyday.Lehcarjthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17171145477602995121noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-6566693164149350182009-08-11T19:33:29.198-04:002009-08-11T19:33:29.198-04:00*banging my head in envy at the concise way Janet ...*banging my head in envy at the concise way Janet Reid puts it* "Who is the heroine? What choice does she face? What are the consequences of that choice? Write that in 250 or fewer words." <br /><br />I'm a veteran of the Query Wars, and I should know this, but what a light bulb your words electrified in my old brain. My compliments!Cynthia Reesehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13128418037470085123noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-81669200703610296952009-08-11T05:56:16.330-04:002009-08-11T05:56:16.330-04:00Aaargh. I hate having to pick your query apart. It...Aaargh. I hate having to pick your query apart. It will hurt your feelings, and then you won't like me. So let me begin with "I'm sorry."<br /><br />Here goes:<br /><br />If everyone on board the boat was killed, how can there be any "future ancestors?" OR descendants? (Thesaurus dot com gives antonyms. Try it.)<br /><br />How can Le Griffin be both a sailboat and a ship? <br /><br />I think you mean spirit guides, not Spirit Gods.<br /><br />"decipher the condition for nullifying the curse" Huh? Do you mean break the curse? <br /><br />Your poem is interesting, but I'm not sure I get it. What is "one?" One person? One curse? One Spirit Guide? Fate cannot be ended. It can be changed. That might work for you.<br /><br />The Mormon King of Beaver Island? Huh? Mormons don't have kings. That part made me laugh out loud.<br /><br />I had to cut a novel in half once, so you have my sympathy, but I have to say my story was much better for it. I know it's a daunting thought and a miserable job, but you can do it. Good luck.astrologymemphis.blogspot.comhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08094432734141490681noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-35942264760490675452009-08-10T16:08:43.631-04:002009-08-10T16:08:43.631-04:00You need to identify all these mysterious names. ...You need to identify all these mysterious names. Okay, Merida is an "auburn haired beauty." I got that. Cavelier de La Salle is who? Do we care? If we don't need to know, don't include that long, confusing name. What do you mean by first Flying Dutchman? To me, that's the name of an opera. If you mean it as a kind of boat, or a metaphor, explain. But don't explain if it's not important. Who are the Spirit Gods? Real? Imagined? <br /><br />The children of Le Griffin -- I thought that was a boat. How can it have children?<br /><br />I like your rhyme: one by love, one by hate, will end the fate. But it doesn't make sense. You mean end the curse? Fate doesn't end, and it doesn't change, right? It's fate.<br /><br />You have a lot of great material here. Try to tell it in short, quick strokes full of action.Patricehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04066270007193501614noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-7393866006160881752009-08-10T14:24:07.200-04:002009-08-10T14:24:07.200-04:00It seemed to me like you started the query over se...It seemed to me like you started the query over several times. I felt like I heard a lot about the beginning of the voyage from lots of different perspectives, but never really felt like I knew what the bulk of the book was about.<br /><br />Is it mostly about Merida committing suicide and people trying to stop her? Or does that happen quickly and then it's about the aftermath? I think clarifying that would help a lot.Robin Lemkehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12254896327174187893noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-87627992657360212402009-08-10T13:41:25.206-04:002009-08-10T13:41:25.206-04:00Tighten it up and make it more streamlined.
You...Tighten it up and make it more streamlined. <br /><br />You know the story, so the current query mish-mash makes sense to you; to me, it was mostly just confusing. It certainly didn't give me a good idea of the story.<br /><br />I do wonder, though, if Le Griffin might not be the "main character" that you focus the query around? A few key people related to the boat could be the supporting cast and part of the conflict. <br /><br />But I'm not sure -- even though it might work for your book -- if it works for a query. <br /><br />Don't tell us the whole story in the letter. Just tell us what will make us want to READ the whole story.<br /><br />WV: housin - the house hoisinBuffrahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12013636988179594889noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-24322887323642785782009-08-10T13:17:45.612-04:002009-08-10T13:17:45.612-04:00I'd much rather get this rejection than a form...I'd much rather get this rejection than a form rejection. And I'm tightening up my query even as I read yours.Sheila Deethhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13465615546936319164noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-5281755904141740582009-08-10T12:26:57.305-04:002009-08-10T12:26:57.305-04:00It was a bit confusing, especially because it seem...It was a bit confusing, especially because it seemed to follow a pattern of telling us about the main character, then about the plot, then more information about the main character, then repeating the plot, and so on. There were also some issues with changing tense and word choice (seconding the "future ancestors" thing).Kristin Laughtinhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01536556357622503501noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-55229392833635919602009-08-10T10:58:07.435-04:002009-08-10T10:58:07.435-04:00Not only is it too long, it is far too dry. I didn...Not only is it too long, it is far too dry. I didn't find the query engaging, and I stopped reading after the first paragraph.<br /><br />As for the word count, it does seem that 250,000 is a bit much. That said, I've seen recent fantasy debuts that seem (based on page count) to well exceed 125,000. NAME OF THE WIND, by Patrick Rothfuss, for example.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com