tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post6435045311602322932..comments2024-03-16T01:00:59.945-04:00Comments on Query Shark: #46-two revisionsJanet Reidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00615380335938685231noreply@blogger.comBlogger35125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-9158601450796463162008-07-06T22:17:00.000-04:002008-07-06T22:17:00.000-04:00Hey, Bad Author! Your blog is hilariousHey, Bad Author! Your blog is hilariousGypsumhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02342218112739018038noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-83265086426091945742008-07-06T13:05:00.000-04:002008-07-06T13:05:00.000-04:00I've seen worse.I've seen worse.Bad Authorhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11057159699886729409noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-19942839435872495472008-07-03T22:11:00.000-04:002008-07-03T22:11:00.000-04:00We need a little fresh blood in the water. Oh, KI...We need a little fresh blood in the water. Oh, KIERSTEN...could you come here a minute?talpiannahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13978075304795724185noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-70450885490321812622008-07-03T15:42:00.000-04:002008-07-03T15:42:00.000-04:00I think spunk is over rated, give me sarcastic any...I think spunk is over rated, give me sarcastic any time.Angeli Casihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11083822062958037322noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-79175709436779986062008-07-03T10:10:00.000-04:002008-07-03T10:10:00.000-04:00Maybe she went on vacation? I posted another revis...Maybe she went on vacation? I posted another revision for her to chomp and haven't received a response. I'm assuming it's the holiday.Unknownhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02294998505034361462noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-52502328533155671612008-07-02T14:14:00.000-04:002008-07-02T14:14:00.000-04:00I thoroughly agree with Mr Grant- I hate spunk.I thoroughly agree with Mr Grant- I hate spunk.Bad Authorhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11057159699886729409noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-15549143832379212522008-07-02T13:28:00.000-04:002008-07-02T13:28:00.000-04:00Has the shark stopped eating?Has the shark stopped eating?EBhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14361825595951678685noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-63950155890028936392008-06-29T19:04:00.000-04:002008-06-29T19:04:00.000-04:00Well now, I knowed lots of folks what falled in th...Well now, I knowed lots of folks what falled in the deep end... and begun diggin!'<BR/><BR/>Moth, I'm total blind in my right eye, (darker'an head up yer a$$ midnight time)... been that way since I's five. LOL, I'd like to stick up a close-up of that "wanderin' sucker" - scare y'all back into last tuesday's undiepants!<BR/><BR/>Haste yee back ;-)Haste yee back ;-)https://www.blogger.com/profile/00345715370509449971noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-54672580926401271352008-06-25T22:24:00.000-04:002008-06-25T22:24:00.000-04:00I can't believe I didn't find this until just now!...I can't believe I didn't find this until just now!Cynthia Broncohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02716686459385339869noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-82521599085761583622008-06-23T17:47:00.000-04:002008-06-23T17:47:00.000-04:00Sindee--queries should be like good back cover cop...Sindee--queries should be like good back cover copy. What does your heroine want? Really, really, really? What does your hero want? Sounds to me like the wings are only a symbol. They will show that he has, essentially, become a man. Someone to be respected? Am I right? In order to achieve this, he has to convince R. (I work with a Real newspaper reporter whose name is actually Rhiannon, BTW, so real life people have that name...) to fulfill her destiny. <BR/><BR/>Why doesn't she want to? What's the main conflict here? You have to boil your story down to its most basic elements--which is about the hardest thing ever. I personally totally suck at it. I'm sorta learning to write synopses, but I pretty much suck at that too. However, I've managed to sell a few books--romantic fantasy, FWIW--to some big publishers, so...<BR/><BR/>You're in RWA, so you should know about GMC. Figure that out and start your query from there. Then figure out what makes your story different. Read the back cover copy off a few best sellers and see if you can figure out what their hook is. This sounds like it could be an intriguing book, you've done well in contests, so you need to figure out Your Hook. Good luck!Gail Daytonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12799083467910831241noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-48548663691760013082008-06-23T14:43:00.000-04:002008-06-23T14:43:00.000-04:00To emeraldcite...ROFL!Sindee, keep trying. You'll ...To emeraldcite...<BR/><BR/>ROFL!<BR/><BR/>Sindee, keep trying. You'll get there.Bethhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08504439129670380071noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-58030201343755456122008-06-23T12:50:00.000-04:002008-06-23T12:50:00.000-04:00I found this revision a bit confusing. You have on...I found this revision a bit confusing. You have one paragraph which means to explain the plot, but I'm still unclear on what's driving your two characters. If Rhiannon is freaked out and Cerne is jaded, I'm left with the impression that Cerne's merely trying to bed her/romance her for his wings. (Is this what faeries use instead of notches on a bedpost?) The dark queen arrives out of nowhere, forcing R & C to defend "their kingdom." Rhiannon has a kingdom? I thought she was suffering from being overworked and underappreciated. <BR/><BR/>You include a great deal of personal bio; I wonder if trimming that a bit would allow you more space to discuss your plot. For example: "I am also an active member of two critique groups where I have the opportunity to work with several published authors." So are many authors. Not to take that away from you, but you might want to prioritize your space a bit, and lean on the story (particularly because it has won a few awards). <BR/><BR/>With the caveat that romance isn't my genre as a writer or a reader, I found the two exclamation points a bit off-putting. For some reason it made me wonder if this was YA. But that's a minor nit and maybe only on my end. <BR/><BR/>Keep it up, though. And thanks for allowing us to critique your efforts. Hopefully it's helpful all around.EBhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14361825595951678685noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-2867873346383612092008-06-22T04:24:00.000-04:002008-06-22T04:24:00.000-04:00You can call your heroine Rhiannon if she has a lo...You can call your heroine Rhiannon if she has a lot of birds hanging around her.<BR/><BR/>(Rhiannon, Mistress of the Singing Birds, is a very specific character in Welsh myth and faerie lore.)<BR/><BR/>White and Dark Faerie--confusing classification. Usually it's Light-Elves<I>(Ljósálfar)</I> and the Dark-Elves <I>(Svartálfar)</I> or the Seelie (Holy) and Unseelie (Unholy) Courts.talpiannahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13978075304795724185noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-4652073647169350542008-06-21T22:40:00.000-04:002008-06-21T22:40:00.000-04:00The wings make sense for Rhiannon, but I'm still p...The wings make sense for Rhiannon, but I'm still puzzled about Cerne's wings. From what you've written, his goal seems to be getting his wings without getting involved with Rhiannon. Wouldn't joining with your soul mate require some sort of emotional investment? (I could see how joining might be just physical, but the "soul mate" part implies more.) His goal seems impossible, so it's hard for me to imagine why he'd contact R. in the first place. <BR/><BR/>I'm not trying to make you explain too much of the story, but I still don't completely understand what the stakes are for R. and C. and what they need to do to achieve their happy ending. <BR/><BR/>No signs of dementia yet. : )Sarahhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06909176210194176373noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-51175397805758689082008-06-21T20:52:00.000-04:002008-06-21T20:52:00.000-04:00The faeries in my books don't get their wings unti...The faeries in my books don't get their wings until they've been "joined" with their soul mates. Otherwise, the heroine would have serious problems on Earth. Thanks for pointing that out oh_bother. My next revision will handle that issue. This gets even more fun with each revision. Now I know I'm demented.<BR/><BR/>SindeeUnknownhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02294998505034361462noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-51689651844423186672008-06-21T20:28:00.000-04:002008-06-21T20:28:00.000-04:00I don't read much urban fantasy or romance, so tak...I don't read much urban fantasy or romance, so take this with a grain of salt. Your queries left me with some questions that might help you continue to clarify your query. My guess is the answers are already in your story.<BR/><BR/>How doesn't Rhiannon fit in the world? A one-sentence example would go so far.<BR/><BR/>So she’s working too much, which makes her think she’s crazy when Cerne shows up?<BR/><BR/>Why would someone who hasn’t gained his wings be appointed to Rhiannon? Wouldn't someone more qualified get the job? A brief reference to why Cern doesn't have his wings and yet still has the job would tell us a lot about him.<BR/><BR/>Doesn’t the word consort imply the spouse/companion of royalty? I'd expect her to be romantically involved with her consort. (It's from the 1st query, but I'm a word geek, and it's been niggling me.)<BR/><BR/>Good luck as you continue to refine this! Anyone who braves the Shark should be commended.Sarahhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06909176210194176373noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-10225087288821796802008-06-19T00:42:00.000-04:002008-06-19T00:42:00.000-04:00This being my first brave experience stepping into...This being my first brave experience stepping into the query world, it has indeed been a learning experience. I've had some outside help since this disasterous yet amusing query and have reposted a revisions for Janet's Sharky enjoyment. Chomp at it :)Unknownhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02294998505034361462noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-34716298627778629642008-06-18T22:32:00.000-04:002008-06-18T22:32:00.000-04:00"How can you judge whether or not a story is clich..."How can you judge whether or not a story is cliche by a poorly (yes, I said poorly) written query letter?"<BR/><BR/>But that's EXACTLY what agents are going to do. You may not find it fair or nice or whatever, but that's the game. <BR/><BR/>I don't read in your genre so I can't really speak to the similarity between your work and somebody elses. But a few people have mentioned it here; again, an agent/editor may reach the same conclusion. It doesn't matter if you've read Melissa Whatsername or not if somebody THINKS it sounds similar. <BR/><BR/>Just tweak your query to bring out the original nature of your work. <BR/><BR/>Better to take your lumps here where you may get some constructive input...as opposed to the form rejection letters that offer little more than papercuts.EBhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14361825595951678685noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-45007718976277588422008-06-18T22:03:00.000-04:002008-06-18T22:03:00.000-04:00Sindee: Like you said, I haven't read your book. M...Sindee: Like you said, I haven't read your book. My comments were based on conclusions drawn from the query, the very same things a reader might think if that was your back cover copy and they picked it up in the store. And your query is full of cliches and been there done that plot points. <BR/><BR/>I hope in your next draft of your query you will highlight what makes your book special and then throw it up here again.E.D. Walkerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03002135496669838071noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-12498241901553611672008-06-18T19:52:00.000-04:002008-06-18T19:52:00.000-04:00That being said, I now know what needs to be fixed...That being said, I now know what needs to be fixed with my query. Thanks Janet!Unknownhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02294998505034361462noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-70763674576795623162008-06-18T19:44:00.000-04:002008-06-18T19:44:00.000-04:00How can you judge whether or not a story is cliche...How can you judge whether or not a story is cliche by a poorly (yes, I said poorly) written query letter? I've never read Melissa Marr so I guarantee you it's not a redux. However, someone who has read her books and my manuscript, assures me they are nothing alike.Unknownhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02294998505034361462noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-28160655471873253962008-06-18T17:37:00.000-04:002008-06-18T17:37:00.000-04:00Southern Writer: Avert thine eyes because mine's a...Southern Writer: Avert thine eyes because mine's a watchin' you!<BR/><BR/>Sindee: Fine. Use Rhiannon. But we're here to help you get this thing published, right? And everybody and their freaking brother is using Rhiannon for their paranormal. Agents, publishers. They want fresh and new. Your story already feels like a redux. Why compound the problem with a cliche name when that is so easy to change? Explain it to me.E.D. Walkerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03002135496669838071noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-44447938362863115082008-06-18T17:00:00.000-04:002008-06-18T17:00:00.000-04:00And I like my heroine's name.And I like my heroine's name.Unknownhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02294998505034361462noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-62451624900149876582008-06-18T02:53:00.000-04:002008-06-18T02:53:00.000-04:00I like my eye.I like my eye.E.D. Walkerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03002135496669838071noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-40917072059014784212008-06-17T23:03:00.000-04:002008-06-17T23:03:00.000-04:00nobody likes spunknobody likes spunkAnonymousnoreply@blogger.com