tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post7820972832324415839..comments2024-03-16T01:00:59.945-04:00Comments on Query Shark: #166-revisedJanet Reidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00615380335938685231noreply@blogger.comBlogger42125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-69023381991073550452011-02-21T08:49:03.182-05:002011-02-21T08:49:03.182-05:00Late to the party but I couldn't resist:
See...Late to the party but I couldn't resist: <br /><br />Seems to me that Anja is your main character, the battle with the mysterious fellow is HER conflict, and the other four are supporting characters. At least they are for the query's purposes.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-26782972541739470332010-08-26T23:10:41.528-04:002010-08-26T23:10:41.528-04:00First -- I commend you for your attitude. It'...First -- I commend you for your attitude. It's ALWAYS great to see somebody who can behave so gracefully under some fairly vicious pressure :) <br /><br />Now...I think I like what's going on here. This book is *exactly* up my alley, I think. I'm a big sucker for the "fantasy world on the fringes of reality where people work out their problems" breed of urban fiction, from Narnia to Neverwhere. So I'm rooting for you.<br /><br />I think you might have better luck approaching the query from Anja's perspective. Even though there are four protaganists, Anja is still the person that links them...Anja is the one whose life is in danger...and Anja is the one who's inextricably linked to Herbst. <br /><br />If you can tell me a little bit about who Anja is, and why someone is trying to kill her/destroy Herbst, and how a group of her followers (for lack of a better word) rally to her aid, then that might get a bit closer to the heart of the story? <br /><br />Incidentally, I didn't think Daniel was necessarily unlikeable. He reminded me of the lead in Willard (one of my favorite movies). Which may not be what you're going for ;)tlbodinehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08334888426768433724noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-44837410810766632892010-08-13T18:20:48.590-04:002010-08-13T18:20:48.590-04:00Frank, you may not need to put that in, specifical...Frank, you may not need to put that in, specifically, but you do need to put something in to make Daniel into a person who faces his problems. Otherwise he's too passive to engage readers.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-62433393639674762572010-08-13T16:06:15.550-04:002010-08-13T16:06:15.550-04:00Edit: NOT a very compelling question, rather.
>...Edit: NOT a very compelling question, rather.<br />>_>M. G. E.https://www.blogger.com/profile/08995766358224581297noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-91572826632239354512010-08-13T00:22:41.876-04:002010-08-13T00:22:41.876-04:00...there are four protagonists, roughly equal in i...<i>...there are four protagonists, roughly equal in importance, and they all have a link to Anja in the story.</i><br />- Well, you've set yourself quite a challenge then, because the risk is that your story may become too diffuse. I assume you have them all in the same place most of them time. <br /><br /><i>In the revised version, I opted to go with the first protagonist introduced in the book, and I managed to make him sound like a whiner to boot!</i><br />- This is the other risk, that one of your characters may fall flat. Like the one you chose has fallen flat (in the query at least).<br /><br />The main reason this revision failed is because you chose to focus on one of the characters, as you say. What you need to do is focus on the "story question." This query made it look like the central question of the novel was whether Daniel would get over being a wuss and stand-up for Anja at least.<br /><br />But that's a very compelling question...M. G. E.https://www.blogger.com/profile/08995766358224581297noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-88525053989999591772010-08-12T19:19:19.334-04:002010-08-12T19:19:19.334-04:00Alrighty then! =) I expected a rejection for the ...Alrighty then! =) I expected a rejection for the revised version as well, since it was a complete rewrite of the query. At least this time I got the letter to say <i>something</i>, at least!<br /><br />It still needs more work, clearly. I'm revisiting the letter next week when I have some time and will hopefully churn out a much-improved version by the weekend. <br /><br />Consider me worried by the M. Night comparisons. Some comparisons are more favorable than others, and that's certainly not one of the positive ones! ;)<br /><br />To answer a few quick questions I saw here:<br /><br />@Mary-J-59<br /><br />I have read the book, actually! Le Guin is one of my favorite authors. I recognize that it sounds kinda similar, but I swear, as much as I can swear without showing you the manuscript itself, that it isn't. :)<br /><br />(I truthfully was not a big fan of T.B.P; I thought it was very weak compared to nearly all of her other books.)<br /><br />@MGE - One of the dilemmas I ran into with the first version of the query (and which in large part made me give it a complete rewrite) was that there are four protagonists, roughly equal in importance, and they all have a link to Anja in the story. In the revised version, I opted to go with the first protagonist introduced in the book, and I managed to make him sound like a whiner to boot! (To some extent, that's accurate, I suppose. He is absolutely spineless at the beginning.) Relative to any one protagonist, I would say that the story is more about Anja, but Anja herself does not stack up to the four protagonists as a whole.<br /><br />@AlaskaRavenClaw<br /><br />Daniel actually does go back to fix up his problems back home. I wasn't (and frankly still am not) sure what / how much material warrants being put into the query. <br /><br />@Thari<br />About 2.5 total chapters.Nadiahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17214636167814310606noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-25791622409496050922010-08-11T22:06:04.370-04:002010-08-11T22:06:04.370-04:00Eternal Autumn made me think of a Twilight Zone ep...Eternal Autumn made me think of a Twilight Zone epizode about two kids who escape to an alternate world through their swimming pool.<br /><br />I'm sorry, I don't mean to be negative but when I read this my response was, "Oh brother."Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03201253760335983590noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-53415858307968468822010-08-10T08:44:59.680-04:002010-08-10T08:44:59.680-04:00I think - as others have pointed out - that the fi...I think - as others have pointed out - that the first thing you need to do is decide if Anja is the main character or if Daniel is. Then (ignoring the novel you have written) re-write the query from this starting point, eliminating all passive voice.<br /><br />(Check out this site: http://www.unc.edu/depts/wcweb/handouts/passivevoice.html)<br /><br />Next, re-read your novel, and decide if the new query describes it. If not, re-write your novel.<br /><br />I think the new query is only a little clearer as to motivations of the characters. (And I am curious: how much of the novel is taken up by Daniel vs. his mother?)Tharihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04718957974153020522noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-75982766537522423762010-08-09T18:51:08.551-04:002010-08-09T18:51:08.551-04:00This story reminds me very strongly of The Village...This story reminds me very strongly of The Village...Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-26983544972924364422010-08-09T09:58:24.316-04:002010-08-09T09:58:24.316-04:00Frank, I'm wondering (and I really hope this i...Frank, I'm wondering (and I really hope this isn't offensive to you): were you influenced at all by Ursula LeGuin's "The Beginning Place"? This is ringing those bells for me. <br /><br />If not (or even if so), it might be interesting if the focus was actually on Anja. <br /><br />As others have said, I have no clear sense of either the characters or the conflict, but I do think you have something intriguing here. (And my own novel-in-progress was definitely influenced by LeGuin!) Someone on queryconnect suggested writing seven brief sentences summing up your character(s) and their struggle, and then fleshing them out a little. I'd say, start with the conflict.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-28613754423913278442010-08-08T19:24:51.432-04:002010-08-08T19:24:51.432-04:00It has to be a bad thing when I can hardly recogni...It has to be a bad thing when I can hardly recognize the revised query letter as being about the same book as the original.<br /><br />Are bad queries more likely to be posted here than good ones? I mean, do agents really get so many awful queries?<br /><br />I wonder when people who put their addresses at the top of queries will stop being posted on the blog.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-28097223674649960172010-08-08T16:53:58.326-04:002010-08-08T16:53:58.326-04:00(Post Revision)
Daniel-unlikeable.
Going to &quo...(Post Revision)<br /><br />Daniel-unlikeable.<br /><br />Going to "magical" Herbst-incomprehensible.<br /><br />And I'm more interested in Anja than Daniel. Is this really his story? It seems a lot more like her story. Even the main conflict has to do with Anja and someone trying to kill her.<br /><br />What prevents Daniel from walking away at any moment?M. G. E.https://www.blogger.com/profile/08995766358224581297noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-49140661151949266582010-08-08T16:06:59.027-04:002010-08-08T16:06:59.027-04:00Re: Revision
Man, I was just writing about this, ...Re: Revision<br /><br />Man, I was just writing about this, that I'd rather an edgy amoral main character than completely passive follower character. <br /><br />I've got to tell you, I, for one, have no interest in a book about blind followers who left one situation where they refused to take a stand to another where they were just as codependent on a young but mysterious spiritual guide. <br /><br />Herbst sounds so escapist to me as to sound like a cult with everything that threatens it as "evil." (Admittedly, Brigadoon seemed pretty much that, way, too, but they could at least sing). In any case, from this query, I don't see Herbst as healthy.<br /><br />Admittedly, I like a story where the characters make the story rather than just be led by it.<br /><br />Others might see it differently but that's what struck me.Stephanie Barrhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17772217449161603561noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-12203529963640002082010-08-08T14:29:44.565-04:002010-08-08T14:29:44.565-04:00Frank, glad to see you still working on this. It r...Frank, glad to see you still working on this. It reminds me of the trailers for M. Night Shyamalan's The Village. I say "the trailers" because the movie itself was horrible. But there was a cool idea there, a cool feeling, and I was sad when M. Night dropped the ball and failed to deliver on the promise suggested by the trailers. Good luck and keep plugging!Fanfreakingtastic Flowerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14363943191354423760noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-86223693261445749182010-08-08T13:06:29.315-04:002010-08-08T13:06:29.315-04:00Herbst can't exist without Anja... okay, two t...Herbst can't exist without Anja... okay, two things here. The first is: Why not? <br /><br />The second is: I'm not sure it should. Daniel sounds like someone who needs to face the problems in his life, not run away from them.<br /><br />I guess it seems like the story centers on the necessity of Herbst and of Anja as somehow the source of Herbst, but neither is quite convincing enough at this point. <br /><br />(Also, if it's always autumn, how do they grow food? And when Anja eventually dies of old age, what will happen to all the people in Herbst?)Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-55488202358424034612010-08-08T11:40:24.243-04:002010-08-08T11:40:24.243-04:00The revised query actually kind of made me want to...The revised query actually kind of made me want to read it. Not quite, but I feel like there might be a good novel hiding behind this letter. Good luck, Frank!Janehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05189670000302710966noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-963791664987488662010-07-30T23:06:40.220-04:002010-07-30T23:06:40.220-04:00I guess I'm a minority of one, but I thought t...I guess I'm a minority of one, but I thought the Alabama and New York thing was a joke, and a kind of funny one at that. I enjoyed it and thought it showed a nice sense of humor. However, since I'm obviously alone in this opinion I guess definitely take it out.<br /><br />I thought the story sounded very interesting. As someone else said, reminiscent of The Messenger, which I found disappointing after The Giver and Gathering Blue were so good (The Giver is one of my favorite books of all time). Although I'm not really into fantasy or sci fi, I would be intrigued to read a book that tried the same premise, but did a better job of it.<br /><br />I agree with others that you have to say how this is related to YA readers. "Young girl" confused me, too, because it's sort of meaningless. People say that phrase about anything from toddlers up to teens, depending on the context. I would say child if she's under 12, or young teenager if she's in her early teens, or young woman if she's in her later teens. And I would specify the general age group of the boys, if they're supposed to be the YA connection.<br /><br />I think that I would have enjoyed this book as a young teen.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-25958123694292289362010-07-29T13:40:43.331-04:002010-07-29T13:40:43.331-04:00Hey, Frank!
I feel a definite Neil Gaiman vibe so...Hey, Frank!<br /><br />I feel a definite Neil Gaiman vibe somewhere in this. I am intrigued.JD Hornhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05538238148744690853noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-5369007766933550282010-07-28T16:49:11.864-04:002010-07-28T16:49:11.864-04:00There are people on AW who absolutely insist email...There are people on AW who absolutely insist emails should begin with address information. That's at least one of the places where this advice gets bandied around. Even when we point out that email is not snail mail, they still hold fast to their old ways.DeadlyAccuratehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08361707307035259942noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-4691459254339741772010-07-28T10:42:52.272-04:002010-07-28T10:42:52.272-04:00That's just more horrible query writing on my ...That's just more horrible query writing on my part. I actually lived in Alabama and New York for close to 15 years. It was not my intention to claim they were comparable locations. :)<br /><br />^ Good to know. I live in Alabama and have travelled in New England extensively, and I'd pretty much consider comparing them to be comparing kiwis and peaches. :P<br /><br />Looking forward to seeing the revision!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-11278467386053815932010-07-27T12:22:19.123-04:002010-07-27T12:22:19.123-04:00@KellyEParish:
That's just more horrible ...@KellyEParish: <br /><br />That's just more horrible query writing on my part. I actually lived in Alabama and New York for close to 15 years. It was not my intention to claim they were comparable locations. :)<br /><br />@Everyone else:<br /><br />Thank you so much for the help and suggestions. I really appreciate them.<br /><br />Revisions (and by revisions I mean a complete rewrite) are coming up. Still working on it!Nadiahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17214636167814310606noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-1770555292080335392010-07-27T00:56:11.423-04:002010-07-27T00:56:11.423-04:00"Not that I haven't experienced it myself..."Not that I haven't experienced it myself quite recently."<br /><br />Ha ha ha ha. The Shark's been using her hiatus to sharpen her teeth.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-48243420964378812872010-07-26T18:22:18.806-04:002010-07-26T18:22:18.806-04:00Well, one thing was blatantly apparent - someone w...Well, one thing was blatantly apparent - someone who thinks that New York and Alabama are comparable geographies has never been to either place. <br /><br />Never exhibit naivete or ignorance of the world around you if you can help it - editors and agents are extremely jaded. This will not be a point in your favor.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-464250366259744002010-07-26T15:56:08.288-04:002010-07-26T15:56:08.288-04:00Frank,
Would it be possible to structure it some...Frank, <br /><br />Would it be possible to structure it something like: (totally random names, of course, since I don't know your story)<br /><br /><b>The first time Hero Goodguy met Anja, he thought she was a regular kid, then she told him about (the village) and for some reason he still hasn't figured out himself, he followed her. <br /><br />***insert query awesomness here ***<br /><br />Now it's upto Hero and three other dreamers like him to defend their new home agianst Evil Villainman.</b><br /><br />Something like this would let you say that there are 4 protags, but focus the the story through the eyes of one.Josin L. McQueinhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05751043333147850336noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-69842038622329343962010-07-26T14:56:45.066-04:002010-07-26T14:56:45.066-04:00Frank,
My feeling is, this could be a very cool ...Frank, <br /><br />My feeling is, this could be a very cool story you have on your hands. <br /><br />Obviously, the Shark gave you a ton of excellent feedback, but you might want to check out www.writeoncon.com - The Practice Critiques forum there generates a lot of useful suggestions. : )Fanfreakingtastic Flowerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14363943191354423760noreply@blogger.com