tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post7906897881887700076..comments2024-03-16T01:00:59.945-04:00Comments on Query Shark: #62-revisedJanet Reidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00615380335938685231noreply@blogger.comBlogger11125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-12556805252296994752009-11-22T22:01:37.732-05:002009-11-22T22:01:37.732-05:00Anyone else feeling a hint of "The Demon Head...Anyone else feeling a hint of "The Demon Headmaster" by Gillian Cross?Ummhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03029666911716505757noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-35930177474476204362009-04-04T22:43:00.000-04:002009-04-04T22:43:00.000-04:00Your initial comment made me laugh..."Right now sh...Your initial comment made me laugh...<BR/><BR/>"Right now she sounds exactly like me...and that's NOT a good thing." <BR/><BR/>I know it has nothing to do with this query, but if you haven't seen Kare Kano (a manga), you might want to - a selfish teenager obsessed with her grades plots to defeat the charming, offhandedly intelligent boy who thinks he's falling in love with her - and who beat her for top spot in their class. <BR/><BR/>It made me feel better about my attitude in high school :)DeAnnahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10260429251547575572noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-46678653603358793112009-03-21T17:49:00.000-04:002009-03-21T17:49:00.000-04:00You tell a lot in the query versus show, which cou...You tell a lot in the query versus show, which could be good or bad. I personally don't have as much of a problem with the sentence construction as the Shark but I do have a problem when you first bring up the game.<BR/><BR/>1) "fight through and win it" just sounds weird and over the top for a game. Mention here that you can't save and the like to make this part understandable. Because it wasn't until the end of this paragraph I even understood why you thought this might sound interesting.<BR/><BR/>2) It isn't clear what Omniverse is. Mostly because the sentence before is discussing her friends and family, and then you jump back to the game.<BR/><BR/>I also agree that the part where you describe the government project and the son coming needs to be cleaned up. While I don't mind the sentence structures, I think it's really messy and could be done better. But that goes for the whole query.<BR/><BR/>Another thing, why, if she hasn't thought of others much before, is she going to risk her life to save them now? That's one thing you never explained. If doesn't care that much, why does she suddenly care more?Teagenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10595226597188375674noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-71988239640034032662008-08-16T21:12:00.000-04:002008-08-16T21:12:00.000-04:00If you take out the devil part it sounds similar t...If you take out the devil part it sounds similar the plot of the dot-hack video games. Those were pretty interesting. =D<BR/><BR/>http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dot_hack#PlotAnonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16763033843701517751noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-62461806472856450852008-08-14T15:34:00.000-04:002008-08-14T15:34:00.000-04:00Computer games, virtual reality, and so on are all...Computer games, virtual reality, and so on are all about imposing your will, even if it is only on pixel people/aliens/puppies/trains/tanks. So I don't see how a game dedicated to breaking the player's will could hope to attract any adherents.<BR/><BR/>I'd be much more interested in finding out how the game does this than in any other aspect of the query.nonehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00415222406280230021noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-87856137431524924332008-08-06T00:00:00.000-04:002008-08-06T00:00:00.000-04:00Heck, how does Rebecca know that the stuff she lea...Heck, how does Rebecca know that the stuff she learned in Sunday school would help her defeat this evil? Why isn't she worrying that she never went to a synagogue or a mosque before this? It's not clear from the query, at least.Clare K. R. Millerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11841162467916897873noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-78718721833545790942008-08-05T20:22:00.000-04:002008-08-05T20:22:00.000-04:00For help in characterizing the Devil, check out C....For help in characterizing the Devil, check out C.S. Lewis's THE SCREWTAPE LETTERS.talpiannahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13978075304795724185noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-35661501649060063392008-08-05T13:38:00.000-04:002008-08-05T13:38:00.000-04:00This book has been done, and by someone with a goo...This book has been done, and by someone with a good sense of humor too. Check out St. Vidicon by Christopher stasheff (I think that's the spelling). <BR/><BR/>I'm not an avid reader of anything labeled religious or inspirational and this query doesn't make me want to rush out and read the book. Especially the evil bit, show me that it's evil and needs to be stopped, don't tell me.Liana Brookshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14587774916354749190noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-41738428472805599292008-08-05T10:13:00.000-04:002008-08-05T10:13:00.000-04:00Cut back on the hyperbole and be more specific abo...Cut back on the hyperbole and be more specific about the conflict and the stakes. Honestly, we'll be more interested if you don't work so hard trying to drum up drama. The story should be (and it sounds like it is) strong enough to speak for itself.Bethhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08504439129670380071noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-3523028402167082022008-08-05T09:50:00.000-04:002008-08-05T09:50:00.000-04:00Inspirational thriller...I'm thinking something al...Inspirational thriller...I'm thinking something along the lines of Ted Dekker. There is actually a shelf for that at my book store.<BR/><BR/>I'd vote to start the query with Rebecca, and to be less general in description.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11431700962951592287noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-58925972336332140342008-08-05T09:34:00.000-04:002008-08-05T09:34:00.000-04:00"You'll need to make the Devil more interesting or..."You'll need to make the Devil more interesting or this will simply be a boring preachy book. The thing is the Devil IS interesting, and tempting, and luscious, and that's why we all have such a hard time resisting him."<BR/><BR/>Wow, that's an excellent summary, Shark. Evil (even "pure evil", whatever that means) has to be real; no matter how evil somebody is, they believe that what they are doing is right. Even the Devil.<BR/><BR/>The thing is, this query reads like the backs of a lot of existing Christian fiction. Which is why, though a Christian myself, I don't read Christian fiction.Adam Heinehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02225813532455467868noreply@blogger.com