tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post7985298352038688858..comments2024-03-16T01:00:59.945-04:00Comments on Query Shark: #270-Revised 2xJanet Reidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00615380335938685231noreply@blogger.comBlogger16125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-79253769496694915312016-02-23T09:03:49.541-05:002016-02-23T09:03:49.541-05:00This latest revision makes me wonder if it might w...This latest revision makes me wonder if it might work to briefly break a rule or two here, just in the first couple sentences. It seems like the driving force of your story is an emotional one, so maybe you're focusing a little too much on plot (weird, I know). <br /><br />You might want to try something more like... <br /><i> Ramanya's mother used to read him stories for hours and hours when he was too sick to sleep. That's why, despite the price on his head and the massive mountain range between them, he has to return home. His mother is dying, and he'll be damned if a military stand-off and a few checkpoints are going to keep him from saying goodbye.</i> <br /><br />I'm guessing a bit here, and obviously you'd want to clean that up, but it gets to the heart of the matter quickly. If my mom was dying, you bet I'd sneak through a mountain range to say goodbye. This leaves out some important things - the dream, the red-silk shirt - that might matter in the novel. They just don't necessarily fit in the query. <br />Bethany Elizabethhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12829932931010851406noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-91042452013646150762015-12-13T05:19:15.131-05:002015-12-13T05:19:15.131-05:00Great analysis. Great analysis. bestsellerstoryhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02692067592439974747noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-81699944764464910532015-10-23T19:04:55.016-04:002015-10-23T19:04:55.016-04:00Thanks. Yes I felt this was too long. Im going to ...Thanks. Yes I felt this was too long. Im going to go in a bit starker direction next time . In the middle of revising and expanding the whole book. Will try again afterwards Rush Leaminghttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04581688066250496564noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-44800595904591011602015-10-10T22:11:04.290-04:002015-10-10T22:11:04.290-04:00Hello. Up to this point in time, I've just lur...Hello. Up to this point in time, I've just lurked, but this is a grammatical error that makes me cringe, especially when I do it.<br /><br />"...uses booze and sex to try and forget..." should be "...to try *to* forget..."<br /><br />It's an easy mistake to miss, even when you say it out loud. English speakers are sloppy that way.<br /><br />AriannaACFranklinhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18142026970098432631noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-4966345365821060412015-10-07T03:52:50.381-04:002015-10-07T03:52:50.381-04:00While we're on the subject of word choice, per...While we're on the subject of word choice, perhaps anorexic isn't the best one to mean "scarce". People can be anorexic without being thin, and can indeed die before becoming thin. Using mental illnesses as descriptors of non-mentally ill things is not something I think we need to be doing, hoenstly. Made me wince to see that! <br /><br />I agree it feels disconnected that you described 3 characters that are unrelated, then suddenly they're together. Why do the other two care about Ramanya? Lainahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00134705793566699951noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-25755603657136165862015-09-29T13:46:27.712-04:002015-09-29T13:46:27.712-04:00Query Shark, you outdid yourself here. Very thorou...Query Shark, you outdid yourself here. Very thorough critique. Worth the wait!<br /><br />Literary Thriller almost seems to be an oxymoron. <br /><br />Sounds like a multiple POV novel, which should probably concentrate on one character in the query. Seems to me the character in the first paragraph has the most to lose. Go with him. And give us specifics. From the first paragraph, it seems the story has potential. <br /><br />I agree 52k is too short. I wonder if the research on the locations isn't there. With that word count, I assume the scenes aren't grounded in detail. If it's not setting, then perhaps one or more characters doesn't have the depth they need. <br /><br />Good luck!Theresa Milsteinhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03477761307315565259noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-58372723781940888752015-09-28T12:26:33.687-04:002015-09-28T12:26:33.687-04:00Something in this query enticed the Shark out of t...Something in this query enticed the Shark out of the depths to post another example here. <br /><br />Expat Cliché made me smile. Yeah, what does he have to do with it all and why should he care to get involved. It sounds like he'd rather avoid everything. And who is the mysterious man? Is he one of the three or a fourth?<br /><br />I don't really understand what is at stake and to whom it is important. Go home, find family, avoid what. <br /><br />The premise is enticing. 48 hours in Bangkok. <br />angie Brooksby-Arcangiolihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08000615140577512304noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-4492604179380593482015-09-28T12:01:30.966-04:002015-09-28T12:01:30.966-04:00Great feedback all. Very useful. I'll continue...Great feedback all. Very useful. I'll continue to work on it <br /><br />As far as word count , my personal preference is for leaner, shorter novels, but there are places I could certainly expand.<br /><br />Thanks --OPRush Leaminghttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04581688066250496564noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-45034605803357612412015-09-28T09:14:30.524-04:002015-09-28T09:14:30.524-04:00By the time the ex-pat showed up, I thought--chara...By the time the ex-pat showed up, I thought--character soup, no plot and vague.<br />You could substitute the "Golden Rod of Power" and the "Cloak of Indivisibility" for the last two characters and this query would read the same. The reason...as a reader I do not know your characters like you do. They don't give me warm and fuzzy feelings or a pain like a stiletto in the kidney with a twist before it is removed. I'm sure they're important elements to your story, but do not illuminate the plot.<br />And a plot moving forward is a story...unless you're one of those literary types...<br />I'll just leave it at that.<br />Good luck.<br />KreggerKreggerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07229620504046221727noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-15823010179042517372015-09-27T21:16:30.662-04:002015-09-27T21:16:30.662-04:00The Queen has hammered us in flash contests about ...The Queen has hammered us in flash contests about choosing the correct word, and here we get to see it in action. Such a subtle difference between "think" and "believe" in the opening paragraph, but what a huge impact the correct word makes. So nice to see it in action and understand!<br /><br />If the story has an antagonist, and that paragraph gets added to the query, I should think you need to eliminate one of your existing paragraphs. Perhaps you can combine, and give a better understanding of how your American professor fits into the story.<br /><br />Good luck, OP. To earn your chops in this writing world, you have to overcome a new challenge around every turn. John Frainhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01702305890462479118noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-10696281847338663992015-09-27T20:45:01.139-04:002015-09-27T20:45:01.139-04:00I also felt the disconnect that nightsmusic refers...I also felt the disconnect that nightsmusic refers to, and I think it comes because these characters are thrown at the reader bang, bang, bang, and the reader is trying to make some sense of the relationship without any other information. As I read the first three paragraphs what came into my head sounded like something out of a Mel Brooks movie:<br /><br />"I need help to secretly enter Burma to search for my family. I have a British priest with a price on his head, now all I need is a drunken American." <br /><br />It isn't obvious how his companions would help Ramanya at all. Surely as a former soldier he has the best fighting skills of the three, and would best be able to sneak into his own country, while the other two would stand out as foreigners, and with their notoriety (the priest) and unsteady habits (the American) would be more of a hindrance than a help.<br /><br />I assume there are good solid reasons why these are the best people to help Ramanya. Maybe let us know what they are.Adelehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08790958029798438793noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-86957460254545841852015-09-27T18:38:41.916-04:002015-09-27T18:38:41.916-04:00Am I odd, by the way, that the idea of calling my ...Am I odd, by the way, that the idea of calling my own work literary seems presumptuous? If one of my nearest and dearest asked, I would probably say I think it might be; but it seems like bragging. I write histfic and call it that. Any more subjective assessment doesn't go in my queries, and I defer to any opinion but my own for that in any case. Probably an unreasonable way of looking at it, but fortunately 'to "literary" or not to literary"' is not my most important question.DLMhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08768285199864217885noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-26780426225890495062015-09-27T18:28:10.433-04:002015-09-27T18:28:10.433-04:00Ahh, this: "Describing that world so that you...Ahh, this: "Describing that world so that your reader is immersed takes words. I want to see those streets, smell the air, feel the humidity, get a sense of how people there live" ...<br /><br />I was once told by an agent my histfic - 128k words at the time, after a long period of slashing it way way way way down from, I think, nearly 168k - needed furniture in the rooms and food in the kitchens. Ax ended up at about 135k and of course I probably will never be able to sell it, but I learned a lot about cutting *too* much and, as inventory goes, I feel like at least it's not a novel to be ashamed of.<br /><br />It's an incredibly hard balance, word count. With histfic especially, there is a great population of folks who get the vapors above 100k - I cannot count how many times I've been told my word count is a deal breaker. Now that I'm not shilling it anymore, I am not persuaded that was the real issue; and certainly it was illuminating to be told 128k was too lean. I don't suffer from a great proportion of the usual woodland creature fears, but word count is possibly a greater bane to my writing existence even than The Dread Synopsis.<br /><br />As to this query given the lean word count quoted, it's oddly not-lean. My ex father-in-law used to say "it's like going around your ankles (*) to get to your elbow." This feels a little like that.<br /><br />(*He did not say "ankles" - though the anatomical reference employed did begin with the letter A.)DLMhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08768285199864217885noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-52967409264826878212015-09-27T17:30:41.796-04:002015-09-27T17:30:41.796-04:00I have a real disconnect between your three protag...I have a real disconnect between your three protagonists here. Each paragraph almost reads like a separate story or a former rebel, a priest and an ex-pat walk into a bar...I was waiting for the punchline. There needs to be something in one paragraph mentioning all three that's more than them coming together because right now, I don't care that they do. And that's a big problem. Would I care if I read the story? I don't know. I'll never get that far. How do they come together? <br /><br /><i>Ramanya, a former Burmese monk, who thought his family slain has learned they are alive. He seeks out Father Hanlan, British priest and political activist, to help him return to Burma to search for them. </i><br /><br />And then I don't know how your teacher plays into the story at all because you give no clue.<br /><br />I don't know literary except what I'm told is or isn't. I know a ripping good story when I read one though. Your query has to reflect that somehow.nightsmusichttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05984119792540771870noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-64460843753672463572015-09-27T14:59:23.490-04:002015-09-27T14:59:23.490-04:00This was an interesting critique. I read the word ...This was an interesting critique. I read the word count and thought, "ah, it's a prologue!" Well, not quite, but given my track record I did laugh a bit. I might be able to write a cookbook in that length.<br /><br />Good luck to the original poster. I look forward to revisions.<br /><br />Thank you to Janet.<br /><br />Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-23496592219980365412015-09-26T23:39:37.348-04:002015-09-26T23:39:37.348-04:00Thank you for this critique. Word count, especiall...Thank you for this critique. Word count, especially the low end, always made me wonder if it equaled instant rejection from some agents.Ardenwolfehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14053900506482830292noreply@blogger.com