tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post8363835780705109323..comments2024-03-16T01:00:59.945-04:00Comments on Query Shark: #40Janet Reidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00615380335938685231noreply@blogger.comBlogger8125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-17344707342861681682008-06-09T15:15:00.000-04:002008-06-09T15:15:00.000-04:00The query.... everyone's given you excellent advic...The query.... everyone's given you excellent advice on.<BR/><BR/>The story.... as a parent I'm not sure this is something I'd let my 9 year old read. Maybe it's written so it isn't quite so alarming but I think it might be a YA, for 13 and older, rather than a Mid-Grade for 9-13. Just a thought. <BR/><BR/>And, what age are the twins when the action happens? If they're closer to adult YA or even regular genre fiction would be a better fit if you could add to the action a little bit.Liana Brookshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14587774916354749190noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-6224447377069494682008-06-08T10:52:00.000-04:002008-06-08T10:52:00.000-04:00This sounds like YA (which is 13 and over).This sounds like YA (which is 13 and over).Chris Eldinhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11794946908789120139noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-68501670600420003042008-06-08T08:46:00.000-04:002008-06-08T08:46:00.000-04:00I think you should ditch everything but the second...I think you should ditch everything but the second paragraph, and start over with that. It was the only part that gave me some sense of what the story is about.astrologymemphis.blogspot.comhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08094432734141490681noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-70133867029026114732008-06-07T21:00:00.000-04:002008-06-07T21:00:00.000-04:00I'm sorry but this is a hot mess right now. Let's ...I'm sorry but this is a hot mess right now. Let's start with the fact that it's too long. You get one page for your query and this is not a page if you're using 12 point. Yes, I tested. Also, short and sweet is better than long and inscrutable anyday. <BR/><BR/>Your first paragraph doesn't hook me in it just confuses me. I thought you were trying for literary fiction at first and then I went back and looked at the actual genre and went "Huh?" Also, the Da Vinci Code ref is overdone in queries (everyone thinks they have the next DaVinci Code- no one does) not to mention inappropriate in this instance since, as the Shark mentioned, you're writing for 9 year olds. <BR/><BR/>Also, your writing credits don't have much to do with writing. It reads more like a job application to be a teacher than a paragraph of writing creds. I always go by the advice of if you don't have anything pertinent to write there just don't put anything at all. <BR/><BR/>Tighten this up, tell us the plot coherently and cut out the signature at the end. Then you might have something.E.D. Walkerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03002135496669838071noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-58647100906857068012008-06-07T18:28:00.000-04:002008-06-07T18:28:00.000-04:00I think this query lacks a certain amount of focus...I think this query lacks a certain amount of focus. It's trying to tell and be too much.<BR/><BR/>The opening paragraph has a 'She' and then a 'He' structure. That too me means that the books is primarily about two people of opposite sexes. But then the next paragraphs says it is about two sisters.<BR/><BR/>It is also written with a number of powerful words, but they are cliche words, and almost too dramatic. ie: "shrouded past" "ripped apart" "rush to save"<BR/><BR/>I really think you'd be better off going super simple. Tell us what the heart of the story is and why we should feel connected to the heroines. Drop the drama and the expressive writing. Be natural.<BR/><BR/>I am curious about the book. I'm not so concerned about it being age inappropriate (other than the DaVinci Code Reference). 9 year olds can be pretty sophisticated readers (Thinking of H.P.) The story itself caught my attention. <BR/><BR/>I agree with the Title being kind of odd. Mississippi Kids brings to mind a Huckleberry Finn type story for me for some reason.Lehcarjthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17171145477602995121noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-27978204608492532492008-06-07T14:06:00.000-04:002008-06-07T14:06:00.000-04:00I was lost for a majority of this query...I still ...I was lost for a majority of this query...I still don't really know what it's <I>about</I>!Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11431700962951592287noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-40114730013930629492008-06-07T09:11:00.000-04:002008-06-07T09:11:00.000-04:00I like the name "Order of the Oaks" and the idea o...I like the name "Order of the Oaks" and the idea of once-abandoned children finding out about their pasts.<BR/><BR/>It's the title that throws me off first. "Mississippi Kids" just doesn't sound compelling enough for that children-of-the-corn start. I also wonder why the book is called a fantasy - there doesn't seem to be any magic or "otherness" in the query.Marian Pererahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15700524210146863718noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-3854584671778519152008-06-07T06:37:00.000-04:002008-06-07T06:37:00.000-04:00*snort* I'm so glad you're back! I was seriously...*snort* I'm <I>so</I> glad you're back! <BR/><BR/>I was seriously jonesing for more <B><I>Shark</I></B>. <BR/><BR/>Thank you.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com