tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post8758103847318180922..comments2024-03-16T01:00:59.945-04:00Comments on Query Shark: #151-revised 11x Janet Reidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00615380335938685231noreply@blogger.comBlogger36125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-30247229111810612482012-03-02T08:39:11.670-05:002012-03-02T08:39:11.670-05:00I think we need to give this writer a break. I edi...I think we need to give this writer a break. I edit real crap in my, probably mistaken, choice of work, and this person has the makings of a good story. There is little anyone can write today that is original, from Cinderella through to Hamlet and all those in between. It's daunting for the most seasoned writer to do a query or synopsis. I can do them for other people, but I'm damned if I can get my own right. This person should join Book Country, www,bookcountry.com it's a great website to get your work critiqued by very competent and caring writers. Some are brutally honesty, but that is good.<br />I have just discovered Query Shark. It was recommended by an agent that rejected my query LOL<br />It's great, well done and it sure gives me a giggle.CharlFKhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17568983959375609465noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-20475751308353161652011-02-07T09:58:57.815-05:002011-02-07T09:58:57.815-05:00Rev 3 - I love fantasy, especially the epic kind. ...Rev 3 - I love fantasy, especially the epic kind. I should be all over this story. <br /><br />I don't even know what it is. <br /><br />Throwing different events and lines at us isn't working as a revision. <br /><br />Stop before the next rev and think. You obviously care enough to keep trying. Good for you. <br /><br />Now stand back and give us only what's important. Is it moving to AZ? Is it her swimming prowess?<br /><br />The key here, I think, is that our heroine is no normal girl, but an __________ who's characteristics keep everyone from touching her. That the world of magic and humanity is colliding in ways that might threaten both sides. That she is the key to saving them, if she can do the right thing. But you have to tell us why and what it is.<br /><br />Ronan, I would think, is important as the only person who can touch her, but won't. How does that play into the conflict?<br /><br />Focus on what's important. Keep is simple and clear.Stephanie Barrhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17772217449161603561noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-83716246792435783022011-02-04T16:54:19.724-05:002011-02-04T16:54:19.724-05:00I think this writer is trying to come up with an u...I think this writer is trying to come up with an unusual query, but each one falls flat for different reasons. Just write from the formula and go from there.<br /><br />What does she want? What's preventing her from getting it? How does she overcome it? What's the next obstacle/what's at stake?<br /><br />Good luck!Theresa Milsteinhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03477761307315565259noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-31422808330827626082010-04-12T00:31:38.193-04:002010-04-12T00:31:38.193-04:00JS-I don't think it's just a matter of nee...JS-I don't think it's just a matter of needing remedial english. Although it can never hurt anyone, even the most seasoned of writers-published or not. <br />I do think she's young in her writing career. The last query revision was vaguely better than the last two, but its still not good. <br />What I'd love to know is this-is this writer afraid someone else out there is going to steal her book concept for their own?<br />Angels are nothing new in literature. Add to that that after vampires, almost everything I see on agent blogs comments on the fact that they are receiving a lot more angel/spiritual fiction. <br />To whoever the writer of the query is-it's not new. You're one of many people trying to publish their angel books. <br />Just say it. After being attacked by sirens, Inhora finds out she's a demi-angel (or whatever you call it). Furthermore there's another universe at war and it threatens hers(otherwise, why should she care, right?). She can walk away from it and leave the fighting or she can join the battle to save lots of people/demi-angels/sirens/goldfish. <br />Publishing is a business. If you wouldn't put it in a business letter to a collegue, or client, or customer, don't put it in a letter to an agent. <br />At least, that's the lesson I'm learning from shark.Ethereal_buddhahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10651209616204838484noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-19623773596791033712010-04-03T17:10:28.363-04:002010-04-03T17:10:28.363-04:00Dear writer of this query:
It really seems like y...Dear writer of this query:<br /><br />It really seems like you need some remedial help with Standard Written English. I don't know if English is not your first language, or if you are a native speaker of English who has some personal challenges around expressing yourself clearly through the written word, but you are going to need to master the mechanics before you can sell a novel.<br /><br />Would it be possible for you to take a course in Fundamentals of English Composition or something similar, either at a local college or online? The University of Utah has made its <a href="http://my.courses.utah.edu/course/category.php?id=7" rel="nofollow">Introduction to Creative Writing</a> course available for free online; working through that on your own might be helpful as a last resort.<br /><br />If you actually do have a strong mastery of English grammar, syntax, and vocabulary, and for some reason you're just freezing up when trying to write your query letter, let me recommend this: see if you can make an audio recording of yourself explaining <b>what happens in your book</b> as if to an interested potential reader.<br /><br />Then transcribe (type up) what you said and use that as a basis for your query letter.<br /><br />Best of luck to you.JShttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13974691019739092440noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-66819487428230257942010-04-02T23:59:09.764-04:002010-04-02T23:59:09.764-04:00Zargis -
QS has addressed this specifically somet...Zargis -<br /><br />QS has addressed this specifically sometime in the last couple of months. Personal info goes at the end.Lehcarjthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17171145477602995121noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-51229868508297533202010-04-02T08:59:18.884-04:002010-04-02T08:59:18.884-04:00Zargis,
Most things I've read seem to indica...Zargis, <br /><br />Most things I've read seem to indicate that you leave the header off of email queries -- put it at the end.Buffrahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12013636988179594889noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-75389076953154392642010-04-01T20:24:49.647-04:002010-04-01T20:24:49.647-04:00ok, i know this is off topic but i can't seem ...ok, i know this is off topic but i can't seem to find a better place to post this question. Also, i did not want to bug 'Ms. Shark' with a frivilous comment she probably has already answered a million times.<br /><br />If i send an email query, should i still have the following at the top of it?<br /><br />The Date<br />Agent's Company Name<br />Street Address<br /><br />I do this in all of my formal letters so that the reciever can immediately see I've done some sort of research to know who they are. <br />Is this something i should trash in a query or keep?<br />(Unfortunately, Query writing is very conflicted depending on where you find the information for their creation.)<br /><br /><br />Thank you,<br /><br />~ZargisZargishttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05557499867038925601noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-10213472406124318432010-04-01T15:18:52.524-04:002010-04-01T15:18:52.524-04:00Josin – I think you may have stumbled onto somethi...Josin – I think you may have stumbled onto something all of us could benefit from remembering: sometimes simpler really is better – lots better. Reading the revised query I come away with the impression the writer is trying very hard to impress the reader with words, far too many words. This is a mistake many of us (well, at least I did…) make early in our writing careers. I think Janet’s idea is excellent: rewrite the query leaving out every adjective and adverb. Don’t write to impress, write to show us the core of the story. Don’t worry about giving us every tiny detail or telling the whole story in a few short paragraphs. Instead, give us something that will entice us to read more for that is exactly what you are selling to a potential agent: a story worth their time to read. If the query doesn’t catch the imagination or interest no agent will give you the time of day.Irene Troyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11839666907158210573noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-5052634147999472522010-03-31T22:14:55.310-04:002010-03-31T22:14:55.310-04:00You're still WAY to generic about the specific...You're still WAY to generic about the specific happenings of the plot. Stop boxing around it and just tell us what happens.Josin L. McQueinhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05751043333147850336noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-25825825408192980442010-03-31T20:08:06.498-04:002010-03-31T20:08:06.498-04:00Ah, now I see the omission of the verb "is&qu...Ah, now I see the omission of the verb "is" is a stylistic choice. Mm. Not such a good one.<br /><br />The shark hasn't updated the sidebar on the right in ages.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-2878916167587304542010-03-29T14:09:55.450-04:002010-03-29T14:09:55.450-04:00I was an ESL teacher for 12 years, and the writer ...I was an ESL teacher for 12 years, and the writer does not sound to me like a non-native speaker. She may well be one, but none of her errors are noticeably characteristic of non-native speakers. The omission of the verb "is," for example, could happen to anybody.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-6897396072793842722010-03-29T14:02:45.083-04:002010-03-29T14:02:45.083-04:00I agree with kygans. I've been teaching Englis...I agree with kygans. I've been teaching English in Japan for three years, and the mistakes in this are common for non-native speakers. It's also possible that it was written by a younger person, but I doubt that someone who is young enough to make these kinds of mistakes in their writing would have finished a full-length manuscript, and have made the business leap towards trying to sell her novel. I'm assuming the author is a girl.<br /><br />If the writer is a kid, however, she would be the most pragmatic one I'd ever met.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11304333283822231479noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-83148145393615534832010-03-29T12:16:22.835-04:002010-03-29T12:16:22.835-04:00Also, the window for mermaids and other aquatic sp...Also, the window for mermaids and other aquatic spirits (I am guessing that Inaroha's Big Secret is that she is a mermaid or a selkie or a water sprite or something of that ilk) appears to have passed; I have three mermaid books in my in-box for reviews right now. <br /><br />Get in on the next publishing trend: were-slugs!JShttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13974691019739092440noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-85355096736545369212010-03-29T12:13:45.088-04:002010-03-29T12:13:45.088-04:00If the author is young or a non-native English spe...If the author is young or a non-native English speaker, there is hope that he/she will grow as a writer, master the language, and learn to proofread. Who knows? Maybe this author will one day send QS a fabulous query letter! <br /><br />There are some interesting elements in the story, though they don't fit together well or at least I can't tell how they fit together.<br /><br />Author of this novel, if you're reading this, don't be discouraged. Keep writing and reading and learning. We all had to start somewhere, even QS herself.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-25183666992267739862010-03-29T11:34:08.640-04:002010-03-29T11:34:08.640-04:00I really enjoy these entries and it shows me how m...I really enjoy these entries and it shows me how much I still have yet to learn. I wonder though, why almost everyone states theirs is the first of a planned series. <br /><br />Naturally every author wants their book to be so wildly popular that readers would be clamoring for a sequel, but I always thought that if I brought up the idea of a series too early to an editor I would get a grumpy "let's see if this one is any good first"<br /><br />Does proclaiming that a book is part of a proposed series give the submission any extra weight or is it counter-productive in that it raises the probability of a book that doesn't stand alone very well?Markhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12341711121542863377noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-65967944759655717482010-03-29T09:39:47.208-04:002010-03-29T09:39:47.208-04:00- Malacara
I think the Shark often picks a query...- Malacara <br /><br />I think the Shark often picks a query when a specific mistake stands out in some way and she would like to address it. Somewhere on the blog it states that the Shark doesn't want to keep correcting the same mistakes over and over, so she looks for brand new mistakes to chew on. In this instance it may have been the use of stationary background for a query.StudentofLifehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17315839584378449015noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-20734532760433857272010-03-29T07:53:07.581-04:002010-03-29T07:53:07.581-04:00I have to agree with Malacara. I'd rather see...I have to agree with Malacara. I'd rather see the "almost there" queries than the absolute beginner queries. So many of us are almost there, and it helps to see the revisions.<br /><br />As for this query--the writer took it upon him/herself to submit to query shark, and that takes guts and not a small amount of savvy. The writer is on the right track, even if he or she has a long way to go.Margaret Yanghttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06464624057491288244noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-85101988257075996482010-03-29T06:07:18.184-04:002010-03-29T06:07:18.184-04:00Instead of listing paranormal events, we need more...Instead of listing paranormal events, we need more grounding. What are these paranormal events and how do they relate to the characters and the story? Good luck with the rewrite. Have someone look it over for you before submitting. Sometimes we can't see our own lack of clarity - after all, we know the story we've written.Theresa Milsteinhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03477761307315565259noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-77271121156269852842010-03-29T03:42:56.130-04:002010-03-29T03:42:56.130-04:00I've heard task or tasked used as a verb, but ...I've heard task or tasked used as a verb, but I agree that it sounds off somehow. It's definitely a word choice worth rethinking.Kate Evangelistahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13329658806888882504noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-27968104992173330182010-03-28T23:02:02.705-04:002010-03-28T23:02:02.705-04:00I concur with earlier comments, the writer seems y...I concur with earlier comments, the writer seems young and possibly not a native English speaker. <br /><br />Hey! No problem. Keep at it. I assume you do actually have a finished novel that makes more sense than this query. That is why you came here, to figure out how to write one of these queries. Try again.<br /><br />Next time run your query through a grammar-checker and spell-checker before submitting it. Obey them. Grammar checkers are not always correct, but they can get you out of a lot of problems.Tom Bridgelandhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13098048586042365606noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-21330685262286220282010-03-28T22:58:00.261-04:002010-03-28T22:58:00.261-04:00I have to know. Is this a real query letter or did...I have to know. Is this a real query letter or did someone make this up?Beth MacKinneyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14510201092365855223noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-29179824938144764362010-03-28T20:02:03.533-04:002010-03-28T20:02:03.533-04:00Congratulations on getting to the query stage in y...Congratulations on getting to the query stage in your writing. And I thought writing the book was the hardest part! I was so young and naive. So, good job there. <br /><br />I agree that the name is very odd and if I read this book, I'd be calling her "Ro" in my head. <br /><br />The paranormal event needs to be defined. <br /><br />I agree with Ms McQuein--what the heck does the swimming have to do with anything?<br /><br />I look forward to reading the rewrite. Best of luck! You're braver than I am!!Clairehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09609095934716513347noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-29084814754314469812010-03-28T18:57:55.796-04:002010-03-28T18:57:55.796-04:00I also have the impression this may be a newish wr...I also have the impression this may be a newish writer, perhaps even a young writer. (The use of cute stationary rather indicates this) This is hardly a handicap, except for understanding and following the rules of the craft. The first two sentences of the query – minus Janet’s remarks – left me lost and completely disinterested in reading further. Having read the query through, I think that behind the poorly executed query and the use of “cute” stationary (Huge NO-No!) there may be the bones of an interesting story. To the author: don’t give up and don’t assume because your query was trashed you should turn away from your dream of writing and publishing. What I would suggest (and Janet, please, if this is out of line, I humbly apologize) is that you consider joining a writer’s group (either online or in “real” life) and/or enrolling in a writing class. The reason? I’ve found both to be of great value in helping to work through some of the more challenging aspects of my writing. A good group or class will help you identify problem areas in your work and will help with such thorny issues as grammar, spelling and structure – areas in which many writers struggle. <br /><br />Despite having written for years (mostly dull-ish non-fiction in keeping with my work) I continue to be a horrific speller and often times mix up syntax, grammar and punctuation. My writer’s group is great at helping identify these mistakes prior to my sending work to clients. This help goes a very long way toward making my work appear professional and polished.Irene Troyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11839666907158210573noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-65541415291132168842010-03-28T18:42:44.283-04:002010-03-28T18:42:44.283-04:00I've read most of the queries critiqued by the...I've read most of the queries critiqued by the Shark, thus I feel empowered to opine. This query is awful on so many levels that I'm not sure why it was chosen in the first place. Janet, I look forward to your insight, but when you pick substantially sub-par queries like this one I don't learn anything. I don't wish to question your criteria or your motives, yet I beseech you to pick out winners or near winners instead of these still-born attempts. I assume the purpose of this blog is to inform/educate. The critique for this query does neither since it's apparent to everyone- except, perhaps, the author- that the whole thing is one intransitive verb short of a catastrophe. Dear Shark, hear my plea: your time and input are much too valuable to squander of stuff like this.Malacarahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16746131219488171558noreply@blogger.com