tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post8787925504127821506..comments2024-03-16T01:00:59.945-04:00Comments on Query Shark: #236-revised twice FTWJanet Reidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00615380335938685231noreply@blogger.comBlogger19125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-15666777388747224402013-03-15T22:04:05.632-04:002013-03-15T22:04:05.632-04:00soon-to-be-dead
He's not a soon husband, a to...soon-to-be-dead<br /><br />He's not a soon husband, a to husband, a be husband or even a dead husband, so you must hyphenate the whole phrase.Susanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09867114601511724995noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-55498880944973470532013-03-04T07:26:10.150-05:002013-03-04T07:26:10.150-05:00The revisions are great, well done.
Another fine ...The revisions are great, well done. <br />Another fine example of how and why Query Shark works. <br /><br />The gradual shift to Romance is interesting, sometimes a couple hearts combine to rise above the direction chosen for them.<br /><br />Good luck, and way to go for putting your writing oout there.<br /><br />Cheers HankAnonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05469155818681819523noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-12138713657721226102013-02-23T19:26:47.309-05:002013-02-23T19:26:47.309-05:00Yes. This is it. This got ~200% better after the l...Yes. This is it. This got ~200% better after the last revision. I still wouldn't read it for the romance, but the rest of the plot sounds really awesome now.Ellipsis Floodhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03097098062834873232noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-44939708044740550602013-02-23T12:31:07.416-05:002013-02-23T12:31:07.416-05:00Keep Away is WAY better for a title too. Keep Away is WAY better for a title too. Theresa Milsteinhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03477761307315565259noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-37265222584058639872013-02-23T12:29:15.101-05:002013-02-23T12:29:15.101-05:00Wow, the new version is so snappy. And what a quic...Wow, the new version is so snappy. And what a quick turnaround from the previous version. Congratulations!Theresa Milsteinhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03477761307315565259noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-62744468877926116412013-02-15T13:35:35.131-05:002013-02-15T13:35:35.131-05:00Rereading all of this, especially the comments, ma...Rereading all of this, especially the comments, made me realize that the biggest problem here isn't that the story can't decide what it is.<br /><br />It's that the author has their focus on the romance aspect, while pretty much everyone else wants to know more about the crime aspect.<br /><br />I felt similarly when I read the first revision. The query starts with a focus on crime and sticks to it for a few paragraphs. I kind of want to know what's going on with Jester, since that sounds really high-stakes-y.<br /><br />Then we cut to somewhere else, Romano barges in and takes over. Even though the crime elements seep back in after a few paragraphs, Romano stays there and seems to be the focus point, which, to me, trivializes the stakes that were set up earlier.<br /><br />If this is about the romance, this needs to be made clearer. Unfortunately, I feel like Miss Shark here and say that the romance aspect here isn't very strong.<br /><br />If this is about the crime, I'd say tone down the romance aspect or cut it out entirely. I've read many thrillers where, on the way to the solution, the protagonists fell for each other. Just because it's there that doesn't mean that it has to play a big role.<br /><br />I hope I made sense here. Wall of Text, end.Ellipsis Floodhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03097098062834873232noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-50404995865803996822013-02-14T19:06:58.819-05:002013-02-14T19:06:58.819-05:00Ok, so Ariel is the good guy, the elusive stranger...Ok, so Ariel is the good guy, the elusive stranger is the bad guy. So what will happen if ES wins? Does he release a virus? missiles? Puppies that lick people to death? What bad thing will happen if the bad guy wins? I don't care about the love interests or bumbling FBI guy. I want to know what will the ES do if he wins. Kim Kouskihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15988055024196149433noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-16128788727170392272013-02-12T10:11:06.628-05:002013-02-12T10:11:06.628-05:00Perhaps I'm alone in this, but I had trouble w...Perhaps I'm alone in this, but I had trouble with the protagonist falling in love so quickly after her husband was murdered. (You may have handled this in the ms itself, but as a back cover hook I'd wonder about the heroine's character.) For me, the thriller aspect was more intriguing than the love story. Best of luck, and good job getting your query crunched by Her Sharkness.<br /><br />Cheers...and Happy Writing!<br />T.D. HartAnonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16992792501646465680noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-71033746786341295982013-02-10T22:10:25.401-05:002013-02-10T22:10:25.401-05:00So is it recommended that you mention it if your n...So is it recommended that you mention it if your novel allows room for a sequel? I'm in the same boat--my story can stand alone, but I've left some loose threads that will be woven into the next book(s). This is really interesting--thanks!Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04739546442661093275noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-8626084205645339302013-02-10T20:02:15.378-05:002013-02-10T20:02:15.378-05:00I've got to say, the tone's much more cons...I've got to say, the tone's much more consistent now. But I'm still not sure if this is more about the crime or more about the romance.Ellipsis Floodhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03097098062834873232noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-35283438743219753772013-02-09T15:32:23.254-05:002013-02-09T15:32:23.254-05:00She wants to avoid the charms of some guy in New H... She wants to avoid the charms of some guy in New Hampshire where she can blend to a new life but it sounds like she's running from something including a kidnapper. <br /><br />How does living happily ever after fit in the story? <br /><br />What is she running from? What is pertinent: happy or escape or the book collection, or her ex's influence on her new life?angie Brooksby-Arcangiolihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08000615140577512304noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-60357157144793341952013-02-07T10:57:00.602-05:002013-02-07T10:57:00.602-05:00LOL Kneazie! I have yak pics (for real!) How about...LOL Kneazie! I have yak pics (for real!) How about those? Seriously, it does look lie an interesting read, but definitely needs clarity about what kind of book it is. Still, if I was an agent I'd probably read pages.Lemurhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05310054223012003724noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-26711502768210617912013-02-03T21:22:22.280-05:002013-02-03T21:22:22.280-05:00So just to confirm, that's a no to sending pho...So just to confirm, that's a no to sending photos of my alpaca? Kneazlehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08373942650500182210noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-74374708949291459702013-02-03T15:32:06.691-05:002013-02-03T15:32:06.691-05:00This sounds really good and interesting! I'd p...This sounds really good and interesting! I'd probably read it if it was either a high-stakes thriller or a romance/mystery. But I want to know which one it is. Or if it's both, how they fit together.Laurahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15725049899131699912noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-77371158748464370512013-02-03T14:50:14.932-05:002013-02-03T14:50:14.932-05:00The first two paragraphs are great, and when the t...The first two paragraphs are great, and when the tone changes, those are okay too, but I kept trying to figure out what I didn't like about this and it's the fact that this query reads like the author is writing two different stories. <br /><br />The first two paragraphs are a thriller and I'm with you there! When the romance comes into play, I'm not so sure because I've lost the tension and the high stakes. I need something to pull both sections together.<br /><br />BTW, my dad was a clown for many years. :o)nightsmusichttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05984119792540771870noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-54543540572250571832013-02-03T08:23:02.627-05:002013-02-03T08:23:02.627-05:00By the way, one of the best lines from Query Shark...By the way, one of the best lines from Query Shark: "TERRIBLE title because it sounds like a thesis for an undergraduate degree at Clown College (a college I always wanted to attend in fact...it was run by Ringling Bros.--but I digress)"<br />Theresa Milsteinhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03477761307315565259noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-12990738401801611992013-02-03T08:21:40.582-05:002013-02-03T08:21:40.582-05:00All stories have a few threads. If there's som...All stories have a few threads. If there's some romance, that's fine, but I'd stick to the high stakes tone of the main plot in your query. Putting in the romance detracts from the tension. Make us feel that clock ticking...Theresa Milsteinhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03477761307315565259noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-71780117999203731332013-02-02T13:27:15.860-05:002013-02-02T13:27:15.860-05:00a bungling F.B.I. impostor, and a kidnapper hired ...a bungling F.B.I. impostor, and a kidnapper hired by an elusive stranger,<br /><br />O.K. I'm with you till here.<br />I think if you clarify or embellish their motives it will tie it together. <br /><br />I love whats going on and can work with everything else, however comma but enlighten their motives and it will draw the reader in. <br /><br />It's a very fun concept, and I love the idea of her name being Ariel as she sounds like a high wire act.<br /><br />Good luck.french sojournhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14262858704848580714noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-73419544161239007422013-02-02T09:53:51.553-05:002013-02-02T09:53:51.553-05:00I might suggest changing the name of the lead to A...I might suggest changing the name of the lead to Ari<b>e</b>l. Right now I get pictures of a sans-serif font trying to stay alive long enough to find love. While that might be an entertaining read in its own right, I'm not sure that's what the author is going for.Brittanyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02661380649581961221noreply@blogger.com