tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post977379831558138250..comments2024-03-16T01:00:59.945-04:00Comments on Query Shark: #199-FTWJanet Reidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00615380335938685231noreply@blogger.comBlogger53125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-48528461425239791702014-06-29T22:11:29.354-04:002014-06-29T22:11:29.354-04:00I'm late to this party, but was recommended I ...I'm late to this party, but was recommended I read and read the comments as well. I've recently been not just bitten, but eaten alive by the shark on query 259. I am struggling with a third try. If I've got the balls or the skill.<br /><br />I've got two POVs. <br /><br />I will try 199's approach with going with one POV and mentioning the second, but the book is perfectly balanced between the two POVs. It feel like cheating or misleading the reader?<br /><br />I'm no expert, but this query felt a bit awkward at the start, and I could not see the eloquence of it.<br /><br />From a readers point of view, if this were a back cover blurb, I would want to know a little bit more. I'm baffled why Janet doesn't need more. I wish I could understand. I think it would help me.<br /><br />In the meantime, I'll keep re-arranging words...Tam Francishttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18288925164591030505noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-8434399950267307262012-03-17T10:09:24.708-04:002012-03-17T10:09:24.708-04:00I agree with QS's quibble in the first para. E...I agree with QS's quibble in the first para. Even if a student would not make the distinction of what kind of senior they are, if it's not clear to the reader then I would prefer to see harmless clarification. At first I pictured a senior citizen in Maryland, an old people's home. :)<br />I got jarred by the 'arsehole' sentence, too. Only because it wasn't immediately clear that it was the character's inner voice as opposed to the narrator's voice. <br />Also, I got thrown by the idea that there are three individual POV plus one more for a bunch of people...but if agents are up with that, who cares what I think. ;)Melinda Chapmanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11391417659960697968noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-22296109150557678902012-01-27T04:18:57.512-05:002012-01-27T04:18:57.512-05:00I'm wondering about that third point of view. ...I'm wondering about that third point of view. <br /><br />"THE ABDUCTION OF EMILY, a mystery/suspense novel of 84,000 words, is an account of a kidnapping as seen from three points of view: the kidnapper, the kidnapped, and the people left behind."<br /><br />If there are three POVs and two are already named, the last can't be "people left behind," but must be someone specific. Is it the mom, brother, teacher, mailman? It would be better to say, "...as told from multiple points of view: the kidnapper..."<br /><br />Also, since she's already named the characters, sliding back to referencing them by role seems odd, and yet more powerful as a list of, for example, "Emily, Harold, and Emily's mom." in this case, perhaps it is best to move this paragraph to the top of the letter, before we get character names (though I know the Shark vehemently dislikes this info. coming first in a query).CourtneyChttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09378719093957870376noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-64923256233445231862011-12-08T07:49:18.435-05:002011-12-08T07:49:18.435-05:00Kidnapping from two POVs, the kidnapper's and ...Kidnapping from two POVs, the kidnapper's and the kidnappee, is done in a great way in "The Collector,"<br />a masterpiece by<br />John Fowles.<br />Nothing new there.<br /><br />But good luck.Mariushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01753053389181597555noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-43069058084196547552011-04-25T03:46:08.256-04:002011-04-25T03:46:08.256-04:00I think I like the use of the profanity for two re...I think I like the use of the profanity for two reasons:<br />1. It tells the agent VERY QUICKLY and CLEARLY Emily's take on her kidnappers and "the situation".<br />2. It's such a bold word to use in a query so it makes me question the narrator's reliability. So I'm looking forward to hearing the other POVs and figuring out who is the most reliable.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-17131489907103799782011-04-14T17:33:08.899-04:002011-04-14T17:33:08.899-04:00the last paragraph is good. However I question if ...the last paragraph is good. However I question if an agent would get past the second paragraph?Diane Theronhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15161783498869789373noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-90883525957115156682011-04-09T11:35:28.159-04:002011-04-09T11:35:28.159-04:00I miss Query Shark. It's been two whole weeks...I miss Query Shark. It's been two whole weeks.Theresa Milsteinhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03477761307315565259noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-34280334171378210432011-04-07T10:20:18.727-04:002011-04-07T10:20:18.727-04:00Just a random thought on a$$holery language...isn&...Just a random thought on a$$holery language...isn't just about everything you do in a query letter a risk? Some agents will appreciate the gritty, honest, or authentic voice profanity lends to the query. Others will see it as unprofessional. Some will love a trim, neat, unrisky letter. Some will find it dull. Aside from researching agents to the best of your ability (of course, step 1), at some point, you take a risk by putting an extra dash of voice in the letter or by going on the safe side and leaving it out. The most successful letters probably hit a sweet spot in between--I don't say "best" but "most successful" meaning garnering the most requests. But at some point, you pays your money and you takes you chance, and that might mean risking a curse word--or risking leaving it out.<br /><br />My personal opinion...a-hole didn't add enough here for me to risk leaving it in (assuming I didn't know for sure that the agent would appreciate it). But that's me. And I'm more likely to be hung for a lamb than a sheep, anyway.Rowennahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09757364614589686606noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-52552751502529891622011-04-05T10:11:51.321-04:002011-04-05T10:11:51.321-04:00That final line was phenomenal. Never have I seen ...That final line was phenomenal. Never have I seen so much conveyed in so few words.Matthew MacNishhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03264738483763244969noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-31400935607157592622011-03-28T17:12:26.000-04:002011-03-28T17:12:26.000-04:00I only see you 'quibbling' among yourselve...<i>I only see you 'quibbling' among yourselves.</i><br /><br />By "quibbling" do you mean critiquing specific expressions? Read other posts on this blog, Wanton. For the Shark as for us, little words make a big difference. Your dismissal of our discussions is misguided.<br /><br />By the way, I challenge your assertion that you chose "shite" because of the readers here. I note you also use the term in your google profile.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-59761372273454843222011-03-28T13:58:17.825-04:002011-03-28T13:58:17.825-04:00In fact, now that I think about it-- if we are &qu...In fact, now that I think about it-- if we are "here to learn", we are doing it largely from each other.<br /><br />For example, I originally thought that I disliked the use of the word "asshole" because it was unprofessional, but now that I've read others' comments on it, I see the problem with it is more complex than that.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-31008146124751914612011-03-28T13:44:36.144-04:002011-03-28T13:44:36.144-04:00Mercy sakes, Wanton. I already have an agent. And ...Mercy sakes, Wanton. I already have an agent. And a publisher. And I'm hardly the only QS follower in this condition.<br /><br />I didn't query Ms. Shark when I was looking, because I could tell she wouldn't care for my stuff, but I enjoy reading her postings and enjoy the discussions about writing that go on in these comment threads. And that's why I'm "here".<br /><br />Really, why any of us are "here" is for us to decide.<br /><br />Second point. Anyone who's been out there in the query wars knows that a query that will garner requests from some agents will get form rejections from others. If Ms. Shark likes something, it's probable other agents will too. And it's also probable that other agents won't.<br /><br />For most of her "FTW" queries I can clearly see why she liked them.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-58082038483037934942011-03-28T05:55:25.257-04:002011-03-28T05:55:25.257-04:00Perfect. Thank you for this. I'm finishing up ...Perfect. Thank you for this. I'm finishing up a story with two POVs and while querying's several revisions away, I now know what to do when I get there. Thanks again.Alison Millerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12179538085536841348noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-68870295154046311732011-03-28T04:26:42.689-04:002011-03-28T04:26:42.689-04:00I'm not quibbling, I'm asking a question, ...I'm not quibbling, I'm asking a question, and sort of hoping the Query Shark will provide an answer, as I don't recall this having been directly discussed in the archives. <br /><br />Namely: at what point does the artifice of a query compensate for its language? <br /><br />Also, the Query Shark (or her minions) approves all comments posted here. So, there's no need to suck up to her. And I do believe she can handle herself in a street brawl. <br /><br />In fact, commenting and showing interest in the material <i>is</i> the best compliment a blog can receive. <br /><br />I appreciate that most of the commenters here do not feel the need to insult the others. Something I wish <b>everyone</b> would take to heart.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-8333624237663817502011-03-27T22:06:11.752-04:002011-03-27T22:06:11.752-04:00You multiple posters, you know who you are I don&#...You multiple posters, you know who you are I don't need to give you unworthy publicity, should remember that Janet Reid is called the Query Shark because she is just that. And she liked it.<br /><br />You, on the other hand, are supposed to be learning from her blog. I am a firm fan of debate, yet I only see you 'quibbling' among yourselves. <br /><br /><br />There were things I didn't like about the query. But if I were writing a kidnapping or thriller type book with multiple POVs. I would take this shite to heart.<br /><br />Please note I used 'shite' and not 'shit' as I wouldn't want to alarm those of you with sensitive eyes, or the 'overly concerned with vernacular' of whence I come.<br /><br />All in all, the novel isn't my cup of tea, but the letter did the job and I will scaling back my own overinformative queries.<br /><br />Thank you Miss Shark!Wanton Redhead Writinghttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05971702384041741216noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-50648020968928357302011-03-27T20:22:46.910-04:002011-03-27T20:22:46.910-04:00My thoughts while reading the query:
1) What does ...My thoughts while reading the query:<br />1) What does strange clothes mean? Is she in a clown suit?<br />2) The tone of the second paragraph feels very off to me. I also spent a while trying to figure out what the Tooth Fairy had to do with any of it.<br />3) The third paragraph feel very stilted. Why bring up the possibility of them releasing her? The detail of the mirror being nice and large also feels random. And while the walls are said to be solid, I have no idea what they're made of. Brick? Metal? Cardboard? <br />4) The last bit works well, and I would be interested to see the viewpoint of the kidnapper in all this.<br /><br /><a href="http://rosetranspose.blogspot.com/" rel="nofollow">- Nicholas</a>Rose Transposehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12407160856474044813noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-78450363519585785622011-03-27T19:10:14.671-04:002011-03-27T19:10:14.671-04:00I don't think the query is particularly good. ...I don't think the query is particularly good. In the tension, the writer makes much of the question will they or won't they release her? It would be much stronger if they told her what they had in store for her (something gruesome), said they were going to start at midnight, and in the meantime they wanted to see her squirm. Then the tension is heightened dramatically, a lot more is at stake.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-46304944433863092162011-03-25T20:12:27.586-04:002011-03-25T20:12:27.586-04:00yankinfrance,
I meant to chime in on your finding...yankinfrance,<br /><br />I meant to chime in on your finding of "slackness." I agree. <br /><br /><i>Of course she will…of course. Emily hasn’t believed in the tooth fairy for years. Then again, maybe she’s wrong. Maybe they will release her. </i><br /><br />I'm surprised the shark tolerates this much mental meandering in a query letter.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-56225674066009515272011-03-25T04:52:50.382-04:002011-03-25T04:52:50.382-04:00I'm not certain 'asshole' qualifies as...I'm not certain 'asshole' qualifies as profane. Scatalogical perhaps. <br /><br />The real problem I have with the word is that it's just not very inventive. Granted, people really do use this word, but it rarely serves to make the user seem more intelligent or likable. <br /><br />Instead, the main character, because of the snooty "Maryland" without the "U of" and the fact that she's been wandering through the "wooded" regions of Long Island, and is being held for ransom presumably because her parents are wealthy, comes off as a spoiled schoolgirl.<br /><br />Why would I care if she gets rescued or escapes?<br /><br />Using the word 'asshole' here, meanwhile, in place of other, more revealing vocabularly, is part of why I've complained that I find the style and tone of this query to be slack, and almost lazy. I wouldn't want to read a suspense novel written like this.<br /><br />Although the Query Shark has labeled this one FTW -- is this because the treatment in revealing the novel's structure overrides the query's use of language?Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-24336033648496601862011-03-24T17:26:48.880-04:002011-03-24T17:26:48.880-04:00Clearly some of the chum-- and Ms. Shark herself--...<i>Clearly some of the chum-- and Ms. Shark herself-- occupy microcultures where the word "asshole" isn't too crude to use.</i><br /><br />That would be the US publishing industry as a whole, except for the Christian Booksellers Association market and (perhaps) the university presses.<br /><br />Once the President of the United States is caught on mike saying a word at a press conference, I don't think it's too edgy for a letter to an agent.<br /><br />Bravo, this querier! I agree with those not loving every single thing in the query but that last paragraph is <i>masterful</i>.JShttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13974691019739092440noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-29441563918012091152011-03-24T13:18:46.676-04:002011-03-24T13:18:46.676-04:00I agree with the points already made regarding Emi...I agree with the points already made regarding Emily's school status and mindset, so I won't rehash them. I do have a couple more questions for the author: <br /><br />1) How did Emily know Harold had any friends? We go from one kidnapper to plural abductors with no explanation while still in Emily's POV.<br /><br />2) Was there a boombox or CD player of some sort left in the room with the CDs? The mention of CDs seems unnecessary, unless there's a sound system to go with them. <br /><br />I recognize the author may have been including just enough detail to pique the potential agent's interest and cause her/him to ask for pages, but to me those disjointed bits of information were jarring rather than intriguing.TraciBhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01060016951190175207noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-37096598282061392232011-03-23T17:13:19.104-04:002011-03-23T17:13:19.104-04:00Ditto to what Arhooley said on the 'asshole...Ditto to what Arhooley said on the 'asshole' controversy. The use of the word bugged me not because of the profanity, but because it was wrong for the context.Lehcarjthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17171145477602995121noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-7115619389808929422011-03-23T13:14:14.910-04:002011-03-23T13:14:14.910-04:00I like the query, and I like that we get a sense o...I like the query, and I like that we get a sense of the character's voice/personality. BUT I also agree with the other comments here. Maybe you could find a way to show voice and also show a realistic reaction. I know if I was abducted, stripped, dressed in someone else's clothes, and locked in a room with a mirror (creepy--I have to wonder if it's 2-way and I'm being watched, but maybe that's just my own paranoia :) I think I'd be a lot more scared. And a lot more interested in getting out than wondering if someone's voice was disguised or if he was, indeed, an asshole. I'd probably be more worried he was a psychopathic rapist/cannibal.lenahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07746557642963895489noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-46898922129186814282011-03-22T13:53:01.285-04:002011-03-22T13:53:01.285-04:00One can't argue with success, and yet -- one d...One can't argue with success, and yet -- one does.<br /><br />I'm piling in with flibgibbet and nillaunlanpunkt.<br /><br />Emily has been rendered unconscious, abducted, and <i>undressed.</i> This is hardly the time to conjure the "tooth fairy" (which made me scroll back up to see whether Emily was a college senior or a high school senior), but a time to start calculating how to escape a sociopath.<br /><br />"Some asshole" is the person who cuts you off in traffic or yells an obscene compliment at you on a crowded street -- not the person involved in rendering you unconscious, abducting you, and undressing you.<br /><br />Indeed, this crisp, snappy way of talking is no substitute for depth of character or even wit. Its toll is some amount of psychological veracity.<br /><br />"Own" does not belong in the sentence with "cut her own way out." Was someone else going to cut her out using the mirror?Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-79778789198579590782011-03-21T21:38:19.370-04:002011-03-21T21:38:19.370-04:00This sounds like a great story. For the profanity...This sounds like a great story. For the profanity thing, I don't think the problem is that it's there, it might even be good for establishing voice, but it doesn't feel like the right word. This situation just feels like it warrants something more than asshole.<br /><br />Still, great job, it sounds like a great story!wizardonskis22https://www.blogger.com/profile/06685192078420924575noreply@blogger.com