Query Shark

A question

2012-01-21T12:18:00.000-05:00

QS - A question: Sometimes I see errors in punctuation or grammar, or awkward sentences that could easily be remedied. Are these issues you expect the author to figure out on their own, would you expect them to have someone proof it before sending it in, or would you overlook errors if the query was otherwise compelling?

The answer is yes and no. How's that for clarity!

When I chomp on queries here, I can't point out every single mistake on the first bite or it would be overwhelming for both the writer and the Shark.

I do expect the writers to be able to identify and fix errors in punctuation or grammar. I expect them to develop an ear for awkward sentences. I think each writer has to be able to do this without help (for the most part.)

That said, it's always a good idea to have a proofreader.

If we're talking actual queries I don't overlook those mistakes AT ALL. They are HUGE red flags for the project being queried. If you make mistakes in your query you'll make mistakes in your novel. I can't submit an error-ridden novel to an editor. Well, I could but I flat out refuse to do so. My clients understand this and turn in manuscripts that may need revision and editing but generally have all the spelling and grammar correct.

For entries to QueryShark, you really REALLY want to have it as perfect as possible. I don't want to waste your time (or mine) telling you the difference between rain and reign.

#217

2011-12-29T18:20:00.001-05:00

Dear QueryShark:

Andromeda Jaunsten doesn't know what to expect from the Academy. She doesn't know her roommate will hate her, her best friend will fall for a girl she can't stand, her teachers will be able to -literally- see right through her, or that her future will hold at least three near-death experiences (only one of which is an accident). She just found out she's an alien, and apparently, she's not the only one.

The most interesting sentence in the paragraph is the last one; you've buried it under a list of things that aren't very interesting (because we don't have the context of the last sentence.)

The problem is, she's not a good enough alien.

Aha! Here's the sentence that helps us figure out context. If start with something like Andromeda Jaunsten is not a good enough alien and ditch the list and get on with the problem, you're better off. (it's also a bit clunky: Andromeda Jaunsten isn't a very good alien sounds better. Developing an ear for rhythm is REALLY important.)

She can’t read minds like the rest of her class. She can’t turn invisible or move things with pure will power. She can’t even levitate, which is supposed to be downright easy. All she’s ever been able to do is sense the emotions of those around her, and that's not impressing anyone.

Andromeda soon faces expulsion, and if she doesn't drastically improve in the mind-reading department, she will be sent home without friends, without a proper education and without the chance to find out who is trying to kill her roommate Grace Robin (with such bad aim she's caught in the cross-fire, nonetheless).

And then you trail off here into nothingness. Expulsion isn't very high stakes. Finding out who wants to kill her roommate is better, but still not very much.

Your plot needs some work here. Also, who's the antagonist?

STARS is my debut. It is a 124,000 words YA novel.

Thank you for your time and consideration,

Right now you don't have enough to entice me to read pages. You're on the right track but you need more plot. This feels very thin for 124K novel.

#215

2011-12-22T10:28:00.000-05:00

Dear Query Shark:

~~Marines don't spook easy.~~ Abe Tyson, returning home from the horror of the desert, is searching for a home to call his own. He finds the perfect house--a quaint fixer-upper in the historic South Side of Pittsburgh. Quiet, safe--and best of all: cheap.

Resist resist resist! Marines don't spook easy is so obvious it's like saying humans breathe air. The opposite might be interesting "Marines spook easy" but what you've got here is a yawn.

Start with Abe. He's your main guy.

~~But in this America, as Abe soon learns, there are no free lunches.~~ The previous owner of 133 Ophelia Street, a hoarder named Esmeralda Dervish, won't give up her house without a fight--never mind that she's dead. Abe isn't about to let a silly ghost scare him. He's faced worse demons in Iraq, and has the scars to prove it.

Again with the non-essential sentence. Resist!

Also: Dervish?

The juxtaposition of silly ghost and worse demons is jarring. Silly ghosts don't scare anyone. Demons from war would. This kind of writing makes me wary.

Yes, and what about those scars? He can't seem to remember how he acquired the one above his ear, or why he's unable to feel physical pain. Convinced that he's suffering from the effects of PTSD, his friends try desperately to persuade Abe to sell the house. But Abe won't listen. Real estate is a risk, and as any gambler knows, the house always wins.

And here's where you fall in the soup: He can't seem to remember--the he is Abe, and we're in his head. Then the next sentence: Convinced that he's suffering, we move to the head of his friends. This is jarring. It's a HUGE RED FLAG for writing that won't be quite good enough for publication.

Simply by changing the order of the sentence -- His friends, convinced he's suffering from PTSD, try desperately to persuade Abe to sell the house -- will help.

And the best sentence in the query: the house always wins. This is gorgeous because it does exactly what "Marines don't spook" doesn't: it turns a cliche on its ear. THIS is exactly the kind of thing I look for in queries: it's enticing.

What the house doesn't know is that Abe's girlfriend, a punk-rock stripper named Alice, has been snooping around for clues to the old woman's death--if she ever died at all. First the house was content to consume Abe with its dark mystery; now it wants Alice, too.

Is there any possible chance you can have the main female character NOT be a stripper? I can't tell you how sick I am of seeing that. It's utterly lame and unless it's an absolutely key part of the story (which it doesn't seem to be) make her a damn geologist.

And truthfully, almost any query where the main female character is a stripper gets a pass from me. It's shorthand for "women are one dimensional in my world."

But Alice has a secret of her own: she isn't a stranger to bloodshed. When a grisly crime makes Abe the target of a local murder investigation, Alice declares war on the house. Now Alice knows that if she walks away she may never be able to prove Abe's innocence. But if she stays she might become his next victim...

I'm not sure Abe is the main character. Alice sounds pretty much like she's carrying the plot. She's the one who has to make choices, and for whom the stakes seem largest. She's also a lot more interesting.

THE GOOD HOUSE (90,000 words) is a commercial thriller with a paranormal bent. Recently my short fiction has appeared in the (several good places redacted here.) My work has been nominated for a Pushcart Prize.

Go easy on the nominations for stuff. Unless you're short listed or a finalist it doesn't mean much. Nominated for a Pushcart means you've had your work sent in by an editor. It's nice, but it's not noteworthy.

Also, this doesn't look anything like a thriller to me. No stakes beyond the personal, no ticking clock. This looks like a suspense novel with paranormal elements.

And what happened to Esmerelda? She's mentioned in the second paragraph in a way that makes me think she's the antagonist. Then she disappears, and it looks like the house itself is the antagonist.

This is a problem.

~~Chapters and a synopsis are available at your request.~~ of course they are. So are kidneys, first born sons, and bottles of whisky. It goes without saying. Thus, you don't need to include it.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

(name)
(address)
(twitter name)

Excellent to include your twitter handle in queries. Just make sure you're not posting pictures of your research into Alice's professional life.

This is the kind of query that gets a form rejection. There are some good things here, but there are enough problems with the writing that I wouldn't read more. It's not bad, but it's not good enough.

Revise. Resend.

Just a reminder

2011-11-13T09:25:00.000-05:00

I saw this tweet this morning: "Dear God, Please don't ever let me click a link from Query Shark and find my query letter there. Amen."

I immediately replied, and I'm posting this here, to remind everyone that QueryShark is entirely voluntary. Every letter here was sent to the QueryShark, not to my incoming queries at FPLM.

I do not ever post letters without the author's permission, and if they want the letters removed, I do that too.

I take this pretty seriously because I value the trust you show by letting me critique your work publically to help not just you but LOTS of other writers.

I take it so seriously that even if someone jokes around about finding themselves on QueryShark, I don't treat it as a joke.

And if I ever make a mistake (and I can't see how it could happen...but it never hurts to be prepared) I have one last failsafe mechanism in place: when I post the query, I also send the link to the author as it goes up.

So, back to our regularly scheduled gnawing.

#214

2011-11-12T20:41:00.000-05:00

Dear Query Shark,

UNIQUE DOMESTIC OPPORTUNITY

Wanted: Temporary housing for 6 year old female

Non-negotiable-Parents must maintain a reasonable distance from adolescent. Foster siblings must be willing to undergo counseling. All exchanges between occupants must be formal and diplomatic. The home dwelling needs to have ample technological devices. (Here's where I'd stop reading and send a form rejection) Weekly allowance will not cover all extra-curricular activities. Family members should have a clear understanding of the phrases “doesn’t adjust well to new settings” and “loved ones should keep an open mind”. Applicants must become members of the Aspie cult also known as, Family Members of Children with Asperger’s Syndrome.

There are several problems:

1. This is a gimmick. As soon as I see something like this it says you're using a gimmick rather than voice to entice me to read on. That is not what you want in a query.

2. The opening line says the kid sister needs to go, but the next paragraph makes it sound like the brother is the one moving "foster siblings etc." So not only is this a gimmick, it's a confusing gimmick. Very not good.

3. It's not actually funny. Now, humor is more subjective than love so you may think it's funny, but to me it's just confusing, and one thing you have to have with humor: your audience needs to get the joke.

Will make exchange for older sibling with driver’s permit or potty trained animal. Female comes with complete medical history and list of medications. All vaccines (vaccines are what the inoculation is made of; you mean vaccinations) up to date. Bonus inclusion, exchangee’s ability to retain useless facts.

Again, I'm still confused about who's coming and who's going.

* *

This temporary arrangement is being made for the preservation of exchangee’s older brother. He wishes to continue his meager existence without interference. Female need only be cared for during the next 8 years, at which point brother, James will leave parental home and younger sister (said female) may return. All interested applicants must call home phone @ #440-555-0218, as advertiser does not have his own cell phone or email.

Ok, now it's clear but it's late in the game. You don't have this much time to get an agent's attention. If I'm confused in the first paragraph, I've moved on right then.

NOT QUITE NORMAL is a light-hearted middle grade contemporary novel about an eleven year old boy who struggles with his place in society. When his autistic sister is mainstreamed into his school, James' delicate balancing act is thrown off the high wire. He must now face the relentless twin bullies at Harwood Elementary with an additional handicap (literally).

This doesn't sound light hearted at all, which is why you want to avoid describing your novel in a query letter. Let ME figure out the right adjective to apply. And who exactly is going to read this?

Middle grade novels are for kids in elementary school. They aren't struggling to find their place in society; they're trying to live through third grade. They're reading things like Jacob Wonderbar and the Space Kapow; Zachary Ruthless; and, Vordak T. Incomprehensible.

Word count of 29,000. This is my first novel.

You're focused on the wrong thing here. Tell us what happens in the book, not the premise for it. Show me it's lighthearted, don't tell me.

Thank You for your time and consideration,

#213

2011-10-30T10:48:00.000-04:00

Dear Query Shark

Amy’s a problematic drinker brooding over a fantasy world and her dead mother. Carrie’s overly uptight and spurns Dean’s hopeless advances. Mitch and Renee are deeply in love, but it’s all in jeopardy.

Egad. Five characters in four sentences and 33 words! This is textbook "character soup." Don't do it. The reason you don't want to do this is I don't know where to look or what to remember. It's akin to being introduced to five people in rapid succession, by first names only, at a job interview. Who's important? Who's the intern and who's the guy actually deciding whether you get the job?

The first paragraph needs to be enticing, not the cast of characters.

Suddenly these problems get even more complex, especially considering they’ve tripped into Amy’s fantasy: Ezrantia. Revelations about her mother send Amy into an alcohol fueled downward spiral. Carrie obsesses over home. Dean is heartbroken. Mitch and Renee run from their fears and into a desert.
Oh, and Ezrantia is crumbling worse than a stale loaf of bread for the pigeons.

I'm absolutely and completely lost right now. This is a very bad thing in a query.

And then there's that stupid prophecy. Those things always make life a living hell.

These five teens and their new friends aren’t ready, mentally or physically, for an oncoming battle with a creeping shadow. Despite friendships, politics, magic, a fortuneteller, faeries and alcohol, they all must prepare. But it’s not easy putting emotions aside, especially those concerning your closest friends.

This is set up. What's the actual problem? Who are the antagonists? What's at stake?

You're burying the place that the story starts: the oncoming battle. Everything else you've got here is set up or description. What's the plot?

All their new magic seems meaningless in the face of this beastly shadow because they can’t run from their problems forever. Sometimes they chase after you.

PAPER CROWNS, complete at 69,000 words, is a different type of YA fantasy. I’m an avid reader sick of vampires, elves and dragons. Instead I tossed talking animals, booze and bad attitude into the frying pan and am serving up something new.

"sick of vampires, elves and dragons" I'm sure you are. But your query isn't the place to reveal that. Chances are the agent you're querying is making some pretty nice coin off those books. While we're all looking for fresh and new, we don't have to trash the stuff that made us money last year.

Thank you for your time and consideration, ~~I look forward to any input and possibly working with you in the future.~~

Simple and elegant is really hard to do. All the reviews of the new Steve Jobs biography mention his insistence on clean, simple and intuitive. Query letters are like that too: simply tell us who the main character is, what problem s/he faces, and what's at stake. It's harder than it sounds, of course, but you've still got to do it.

If you have an ensemble cast, you'd have done well to pay attention to QueryShark #199.

#212-Revised-FTW

2011-10-23T10:58:00.001-04:00

Dear QueryShark:

Felix Ramos had always dreamt of working in space, but a journalism degree does not an astronaut make. Given an unlikely opportunity to fulfill his childhood fantasies, he leaps at it, unknowingly launching himself into a place balanced precariously between tedium and terror.

As a human kill switch in an artificial intelligence-managed resource exploration station on one of Saturn’s moons, he finds that ticking boxes and pushing buttons is awful, even when it’s done where no man has gone before. His counterpart and confidant, Cara Moretti, occupies another facility, where she discovered this unpleasantness months ago. Their days are rigidly structured by their employer, the Koyamatsu Interplanetary Development Concern.

And then the Russians invade—or at least Felix swears so, pushed into paranoia as unidentifiable lights and figures flicker on the horizon. These are the opening shots in the campaign of a group of militant conservationists who wish to stop private development in space; Felix soon finds himself the target of cajoling, gaslighting, and bribery for access to his station’s AI core. Deluded into imagining himself as a highly-paid double agent, he begins to make noticeable mistakes.

Cara, meanwhile, discovers that her company hasn’t budgeted for bringing both of its employees home. She’s been cleared to go, but her new friend has not. If she keeps her mouth shut, she knows she’ll see Earth again, but her conscience screams for her to risk abandonment to save his life. Her predicament could become moot, though: Felix has triggered a surprise visit from Koyamatsu, which threatens to aggressively smooth any embarrassing wrinkles in the operation.

~~Different Atmospheres~~ DIFFERENT ATMOSPHERES is a speculative fiction novel complete at 72,000 words.

Book titles are in caps.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

This is a stunning turnaround. You've gone from "this is a mess" to "I'd read pages" in ONE revision.

------------------------------
When two deep space researchers are set up to fail by a ruthless employer on an inhospitable moon, they must decide whether to resign their lives to inertia or fight for uncertain freedom.

This is a log line. Avoid them.

Think about it: it's a false choice. If they resign their lives to inertia, there's no story.

And worse, this kind of log line doesn't entice me to read on. Again, the goal of a query letter is to entice the reader to want more.

Log lines are imported from Hollywood, and they have NO place in query letters. I don't care what any one else says, even normally smart agents. I'm right and they're not. Log lines are of the Devil. Shun them.

Different Atmospheres is 72,000 words of speculative fiction set on Titan, a moon of Saturn covered in hydrocarbon oceans and methane glaciers.

Felix Ramos, young, inexperienced, and idealistic, operates Ontario Station in the southern hemisphere. Cara Moretti, wise, professional, and sick with wasted potential, occupies Kivu Station to the north. As the sole inhabitants of their semi-automated research facilities, the two are dependent on each other for the real-time communication and commiseration that bat back the boredom and depression of isolation.

This is all set up. Unless you're querying a child of six with no background in the science fiction genre either in books or movies, you don't need all the set up. Saturn's moon is enough. We know it's cold. We know it's isolated. (There are days I'd pay good money to work there)

And then the Russians invade--or at least Felix swears so, pushed into paranoia as his station’s computer mysteriously malfunctions. Cara, meanwhile, discovers that her employer hasn’t accounted for bringing both of its researchers back home, which becomes the least of her concerns as a shadowy group of conservationist saboteurs struggles to gain control of the moon.

He's going nuts...and? She finds out it's a one way ticket ...and? You need the choices and what's at stake for us to care about their situation.

And "shadowy group of conservationist saboteurs" is as one-dimensional description of a villain as I've seen in a while. It's actually a reason I'd reject this even if the writing was any good. Boring villains make boring books.

Thanks for your consideration. ~~I look forward to hearing from you.~~ No, you probably don't.

This is a mess. Start over. Focus on ACTION not description. Tell us what's at stake and what choices the main characters have to make. Give us a compelling INTERESTING villain.

#211-Revised 5x

2011-10-16T09:56:00.080-04:00

Dear QueryShark:

Randi needs this musical comeback for more than just professional reasons. Eleven months ago her mentor was the victim of a savage random attack. Randi needs rock and roll to fuel her rise from the ashes of the past year.

Let's get some connective tissue here between her mentor's savage random attack and her ashes. Why would a senseless random street crime lay her low?

She's finally decided to get busy living, and nothing is going to stand in her way. Certainly not a jealous rival band hell bent on stealing her place in the spotlight!

They linger at Randi's band's performances, slinging glares around like Mardi Gras beads. They cancel her gigs, and accuse her Raptor Snatch band members of theft. Their weaselly tactics are getting under Randi's skin more than Kelvin, her sexy lead guitar player.

Make sure your reader knows that Raptor Snatch is the name of the band or the title doesn't make sense.

But Randi didn't claw her way out of an emotional abyss to give up without a fight.

Can Randi hold her band – and herself together long enough to hit the stage singing? Or will this rock and roll phoenix's comeback go up in flames?

RAPTOR SNATCH: commercial fiction, is complete at 83,000 words.

I am currently a librarian; I lurked there for so long recommending books to patrons and shushing people, that I suspect they only hired me so it would be less creepy. Now I'm armed with a name tag, and a thin veneer of credibility. I'm also a musician with synesthesia – which isn't an issue ~~until someone plays a wrong note, which shorts out my nervous system and brings on contortions resembling the Tarantella.~~

Umm...that just sounds weird. Let's get another result here.

This is MUCH better.

--------------
Dear QueryShark:

Randi hopes rejoining her old band, 'Raptor Snatch,' will cure her depression. Music is more than just a job for Randi – it's the fuel for her rise from the ashes of the past eleven months. Nothing is going to stand in the way of her comeback. Nothing! Well, a jealous rival band is certainly going to try.

There's a disconnect between the last two sentences. "Nothing!" is in Randi's POV. The last sentence isn't. Can you see it? This is where you're looking at every single word in a query. Simply by changing "Well, a" to "Certainly not" you keep the same viewpoint. And it flows more smoothly:

Nothing is going to stand in the way of her comeback. Nothing! Certainly not a jealous rival band bent on (whatever they are bent on)

See the difference?

They may call themselves, 'Slutmaster,' but their combined sexual conquests ~~combined~~ don't equal a trip to third base. What they lack in sexual – and musical -- prowess, they make up for in sabotage.

This is what I mean by polishing.

Slutmaster linger at Raptor Snatch's performances, slinging glares around like Mardi Gras beads. They ~~fraudulently~~ cancel some of Raptor Snatch's gigs. They give anonymous tips to night club security accusing Randi's band members of theft. Slutmaster's weaselly tactics are getting under Randi's skin more than Kelvin, her sexy lead guitar player. But Randi didn't claw her way out of an emotional abyss to give up without a fight.

~~Musically, Raptor Snatch have never been better; they have a real shot at getting signed. But~~ ~~as irritation soars beyond Mariah Carey's vocal range, band members are threatening to quit.~~ ~~Randi's band is her refuge from the pain in her heart. Slutmaster is being a pain in her ass. It's battle of the bands; off stage edition.~~

This says what the preceding paragraph does, only not as well. Ditch it.

Can Randi hold her band – and herself together, and hit the stage singing? Or will this rock and roll phoenix's comeback go up in flames?

RAPTOR SNATCH is complete at 81,000 words.

I am currently a librarian; I lurked there for so long recommending books to patrons and shushing people, that I suspect they only hired me so it would be less creepy. Now I'm armed with a name tag, and a thin veneer of credibility. I'm also a musician with synesthesia – ~~which keeps things interesting!~~

You've got an opportunity here for a really good closing phrase...something that combines music and color. It can't be over the top, but it's got to be more enticing than hoary old "interesting."

Thanks for your time and consideration.

This is much better. You need to polish it though, and the best way I know to do that is to say the words aloud. If they sound clunky, if it doesn't flow, change it. At this point you're going to be taking out or moving words, or changing syllables.

And I really want you to remember that everything you work on in the query is stuff you MUST also do for the novel. Yes, you're saying the sentences of the query aloud. YES you're saying the sentences in the novel aloud. Maybe not every single one, but at this point, probably a lot of them.

It won't do you any good to have a polished query and a clunky novel.

-------------------------
Dear QueryShark

Randi is ready to rock. Rejoining her old band, 'Raptor Snatch,' is the cure for her depression: the rock and roll fuel for her rise from the ashes of the past eleven months. ~~spent in seclusion.~~ ~~She's still emotionally raw from her mentor's accident,~~ ~~but~~ Nothing is going to stand in the way of her comeback. Nothing!

Why she is depressed is less important than the fact she is. Cutting away more and more of the extra stuff will give you cleaner, leaner prose. It also gets you to the last sentence on the up-beat. That's what you want, because that last part of the paragraph is what gets you to the next paragraph. It's like running an obstacle course. You need to hit a jumping off point with enough speed to leap up and catch the rope to climb up the wall.

Well, a jealous rival band is certainly going to try. They call themselves, 'Slutmaster,' but ~~the three members~~' their sexual conquests combined don't equal a trip to third base. What they lack in sexual – and musical -- prowess, they make up for in sabotage.

~~From~~ Calling and canceling Raptor Snatch's gigs, to trying to get them arrested for stealing their own equipment, Slutmaster's weaselly tactics are getting under Randi's skin more than Kelvin, her lead guitar player.

Her band is supposed to be a refuge from the pain in her heart. Slutmaster is being a pain in her ass. Can Randi hold her band – and herself-- together, and hit the stage singing? Or will this rock and roll phoenix's comeback go up in flames?

~~'Raptor Snatch,'~~ RAPTOR SNATCH ~~a contemporary fiction,~~ is complete at 81,000 words.

Cap titles of books. "a contemporary fiction" isn't what this is. It's a novel.

I am currently a librarian; I lurked there for so long recommending books to patrons and shushing people, that I suspect they only hired me so it would be less creepy. Now I'm armed with a name tag, and a thin veneer of credibility. I'm also a musician with synesthesia – which keeps things interesting

You've got the pieces in place. We're down to testing each individual word and phrase. You want elegant and lean prose here. I've made some suggestions, but this is where the critical element is time. Let this sit for a day or two (at least--a week would be better.) Then come back to it. You'll be surprised what you see that you want to change.

This is the part that all too many queriers leave out of the process. In their hurry to get started they let an almost-good query out the door. Almost good won't cut it.

Wait

Review.

Polish.

Resend.

Minimum time to elapse: one week.

-------------------
Dear QueryShark:

Randi is ready to reclaim her life as an up and coming rock star, after an eleven month hiatus spent wallowing in seclusion. Still raw from the savage beating her mentor received and its long term effects on them both, she comes up with a plan so cunning you could stick fur on it and call it a weasel.

This is a really bland start. There's no zip, no enticement. Also using "raw" to describe Randi is a mistake since the beating injured someone else. She may be emotionally raw but another word would be less confusing.

The comments column mentioned that "stick fur on it and call it a weasel" is derivative. I wouldn't worry about it. It's a funny line. However, you never mention what the plan is, and since that's the PLOT or WHAT HAPPENS IN YOUR NOVEL that's a pretty glaring oversight.

Rejoining her old band, 'Raptor Snatch,' is the cure for her depression: the rock and roll fuel for her rise from the ashes of the past eleven months.

Unless you mean rejoining the band is her cunning plan? Cause...that's not cunning.

Cue the jealous band who call themselves, 'Slutmaster,' but the three members' sexual conquests combined don't equal a trip to third base. They think they are Raptor Snatch's rivals, and will stab them in the fronts every chance they get.

From calling and canceling their gigs, to trying to get them arrested for stealing their own equipment, it's getting under Randi's skin more than Kelvin, her sexy jerk of a lead guitar player.

This sentence is as awkward as I've seen. You're trying to do too much in one sentence. Have I not been hitting you over the head about the correct order for sentences (subject/verb/object) for 212 queries now?

It's hard to tell what "it's" is the pronoun for. What is it? Upon reflection it is the pranks pulled by Raptor Snatch's rivals, BUT you never actually mention that. Instead it's hidden in "stab them in the fronts every chance they get." Which may be a great line, but doesn't actually make any sense.

I have the feeling you're trying to incorporate all the opinions you're getting in the comment column. Do NOT do that. You can not crowdsource a query or you will end up with a query that walks like a duck, spins like a puck, steals your luck and earns your query a brisk WTF. You're losing your distinct voice here as you try to spackle and glue all the suggestions in here.

Irritation is a stinky perfume, especially when she wanted Distraction. Can Randi hold her band – and herself together, and hit the stage singing? Or will this rock phoenix's dream go up in flames?

I'm sorry but WTF?

'Raptor Snatch,' is complete at 81,000 words. This book will appeal to readers who enjoyed Jody Gehrman's 'Summer in the land of skin;' (published 2004) Erica Orloff's 'Diary of a blues goddess;' (amazon ranking 2.4 million/pubbed before 2003) and Carl Hiaasen's 'Star Island.'

Don't use comp titles that are old. If I sold this book tomorrow it would be published in 2013 (nine/ten years AFTER those first two books)

Don't use comp titles that aren't selling well. 2.4 million sales ranking means it probably sold ten copies last year, maybe.

Also, I think using Carl Hiaasen or any other utterly distinctive writer sets up unrealistic expectations. I loved Carl Hiaasen for a good long time, and if you tell me I'm going to see something akin to his work here, and I don't, that's a failure of expectation you don't need.

In other words, comp titles can really hurt you. It's ok to leave them out rather than use ones that don't actually help your cause.

I am currently a librarian; I lurked there for so long recommending books to patrons and shushing people, that I suspect they only hired me so it would be less creepy. Now I'm armed with a name tag, and a thin veneer of credibility. I'm also a musician with synesthesia – which keeps things interesting!

This is still the best paragraph of the query. You'll notice all the sentences are in the right order, you're not trying to be clever, you're just being your own clever self. More of this.

~~My name is (redacted), and I can be reached at either this email, or by home phone, (redacted)~~

Don't do this. It sounds like one of those wretched campaign ads "My name is Grover Cleveland and I approved this ad" Just sign your name and your contact info at the bottom of the email.

Thanks for your time and consideration.

Name

Phone

Etceteras

Quit reading the comments. Start over with the query. Be brave enough to be plain.

------------------------------
Dear QueryShark:

Randi is ready to reclaim her life as an up and coming rock star, after an eleven month hiatus spent wallowing in seclusion. Still raw from her mentor's savage beating

(the way you have this phrased, it sounds like Randi was beaten up by her mentor)

and its long term effects on them both, she comes up with a plan so cunning you could stick fur on it and call it a weasel.

For this line alone, I'd read the book.

Rejoining her old band, 'Raptor Snatch,' is the cure for her depression: the rock and roll fuel for her rise from the ashes of the past eleven months. Cue jealous band, 'Slutmaster,' whose three members' sexual conquests ~~added up~~ combined wouldn't equal a trip to third base. Backstabbing – and playing their instruments – is too complex for them; they prefer to stab Raptor Snatch in the fronts every chance they get. (the line from the first iteration is better) From calling and canceling their gigs, to trying to get them arrested for stealing their own equipment, it's irritating but mostly harmless, except for the vicious emotional attack on Randi at a gig one night. Kelvin, her lead guitar player, (and former enemy) jumps to her defense. He also confesses a long time attraction to her, and Randi realizes that hating him has been an empty habit. They begin a relationship which gives Randi the emotional boost she needs to accept life as it is now – perfect in its imperfection – and lead her band in a scorching performance which lands them a record deal.

'Raptor Snatch,' is complete at 78,000 words. This book will appeal to readers who enjoyed Jody Gehrman's 'Summer in the land of skin;' Erica Orloff's 'Diary of a blues goddess;' and Carl Hiaasen's 'Star Island.'

I am currently a librarian; I lurked there for so long recommending books to patrons and shushing people, that I suspect they only hired me so it would be less creepy. Now I'm armed with a name tag, and a thin veneer of credibility. I'm also a musician with synesthesia – which keeps things interesting!

There's no doubt in my mind you are a writer with extraordinary talent. None. What you lack here is polish. You'll benefit from saying the query out loud to get the rhythm right; as a musician you'll hear when things go clunk, or are off beat in a bad rather than interesting way.

You're also telling a lot of the story; almost all of it in fact. The purpose of a query letter is to ENTICE SOMEONE to read the book, not tell them the entire story.

Give me just enough to make me beg to read more.

Revise. Polish. Resend.

And for godiva's sake, please make sure you don't send another Big Bloc O'Text. It makes your email almost impossible to read. Do NOT Shoot Yourself In the Stax By Doing This.

---------------------
Dear Query Shark,

Having once led the wild life of a rock-star, Randi embraced seclusion after her mentor underwent a savage beating which left him mentally handicapped.

This sentence is a perfect example of why I yammer (endlessly!!) about starting with the name of the main character. When you do that, you'll naturally also get rid of the clause and thus have a stronger opening.

To wit: Randi embraced seclusion after her mentor underwent a savage beating which left him mentally handicapped.

And then you can start to see some problems: you don't embrace seclusion for starters. You enter it or seek it. And "mentally handicapped" is one of those nicey-nice phrases that really doesn't tell us much. Her mentor most likely doesn't have ~~Downs~~ Down Syndrome or autism. He's most likely got severe head trauma that affected his memory and ability to function. In other words "not his former self" Here's where "vegetative state" may be a useful phrase. Impolitic to be sure, but useful.

Months later she needs something to haul her out of her secluded depression. Moving across the country, and rejoining her old band Raptor Snatch seemed like the perfect idea.

Which means everything you've started with is back story. The story starts when she rejoins the band. That's the choice she makes, right?

Of course, there's still the tension between her and Kelvin, the lead guitar player. There's still that other band that call themselves 'Slutmaster,' but the three members' sexual conquests added up wouldn't equal a trip to third base. They can't play their instruments but think they are Raptor Snatch's rivals, and will stab them in the fronts the first chance they get. Immersing herself in the on and off stage insanity of a musician's life is the perfect distraction. What can go wrong when there's a “rival” band trying to sabotage her career at every step? How can sleeping with her guitar playing former enemy be anything but positive? If music soothes the savage beast then Randi had better get singing...

There are a lot of words here but not much useful information about what's at stake. There's a band that tries to sabatoge her? How? Why does she care? Do they have a reasonable chance to harm her career? Or are they just so annoying her reaction harms her career?

BE SPECIFIC about what choices Randi makes and what's at stake. Without that it's just noise.

'Raptor Snatch' complete at 72,000 words, is a sardonic comedy about an up and coming band and their front-woman's emotional nuclear night, in the midst of sex, drugs and rock and roll.

I recognize all the words, but I'm not sure what they actually mean when you string them all together.

t. I am currently a librarian; I lurked there for so long recommending books to patrons and shushing people, that I suspect they only hired me so it would be less creepy. Now I'm armed with a name tag, and a thin veneer of credibility. I'm also a musician with synesthesia – which keeps things interesting!

This bio is the best part of the query. It's funny, charming and honest to god straightforward. More like this. Less like the other stuff.

Start over. Write simple declarative sentences, then add the pretty.

#210-Revised 2x

2011-10-02T11:00:00.021-04:00

Dear QueryShark:

Rowan hears the clinking of the iron shackles binding her wrists and curses herself for her foolishness. It is her own fault she is trapped in this holding cell in the castrum of Eboracum. Her consuming thirst for vengeance has landed her in this pit of darkness that reeks of human filth and despair. The stench is overwhelming; it is the stink of her failure. She has twice failed to kill the man responsible for the death of her adoptive father and the annihilation of her tribe: the Bishop Claudius.

She can see the barest traces of light squeezing through the gaps in the door. When that portal opens, she will meet her death. The question is will she die by the hands of Roman legionnaires or will Claudius deal with her personally? Only she knows the truth about him. The foundation of power he has carefully built through deceit and murder could crumble if she opens her mouth.

A small ember of hope flares in her breast. There is another weapon at her disposal, one more powerful than forged steel. She was born with the ability to move objects without touch, but there is a darker side to this power, a black gift she has kept ~~this~~ locked away since she was a child. Killing Claudius has proven to be a difficult task. Perhaps unleashing her rage and hate may be the key to his downfall.

ROWAN OF THE MOOR is historical (with paranormal elements) complete at 100,000 words. It is a stand alone novel set in fourth-century Roman occupied Britain and written from ~~multiple~~ (you MUST tell me how many if you mention this) points of view, mainly those of Rowan and Claudius.

There's a big difference between 16 and 4 points of view. The alternative is to NOT mention the number at all.

This is a LOT better than the previous iteration. It clearly needs some polishing up (ember of hope?) but this is much closer to where you want to be. Good work.

------------------------------------

Dear QueryShark:

Rowan may have been gifted with foresight and telekinetic abilities, but she must hide these curses under the guise of a boy. (Why?) Brittani and Romans may have coexisted somewhat peacefully for nearly three centuries, but Rowan's kind has been hunted near to extinction. (Why?) If she were exposed as a druid, even worse a female druid, her life would be forfeit. (Why?) If the Romans she lives among knew she could kill with a mere thought, they would never rest until she has been destroyed, or worse, enslaved and used for selfish gain. (AHA!)

You see from the insertions above that it isn't until the very last sentence that you actually tell me something enticing. In other words, start with that. Start with where the protagonist has a problem with something at stake.

You've also got some really clunky writing going on here: If the Romans she lives among for starters.

After she has a horrific vision of death and names the powerful Bishop Claudius as the murderer, she is exiled by her adoptive father. Hurt and angry Rowan represses her abilities and searches for her mother's people. She finds an abandoned village, a half-mad uncle, and even more questions about her past. When she discovers she was sired by Claudius, she believes herself to be tainted, evil, and sinks into a deep depression until a visit from a familiar apparition snaps her back to life.

There's a puzzling failure of logic here: "she represses her abilities." If she can repress her abilities why doesn't she do it long before the stakes got so high?

What familiar apparition?

And so far, she doesn't seem to be in much danger.

Rowan follows Claudius to the Roman city of Eboracum. She will stop at nothing to avenge her slain family and the man who had adopted her, even if she must commit murder and unleash a power she secretly fears and cannot control. Death would be preferable than failure, especially if Claudius carries out his plans for Britannia.

What? I thought Rowan was hanging out in the woods with the mad Uncle? And when did Dad kick the bucket?

That's the problem with too many events in a query: you don't have enough room to connect the dots. You end up with a string of events not a plot. That's what you've got here, and it's the reason this would be a form rejection.

ROWAN OF THE MOOR is a Historical (with paranormal elements) single novel of 100,000 words and takes place in fourth-century, Roman occupied Britain.

I thank you ~~in advance~~ for your time and consideration.

I like the original version much better. This is a mess. It's full of events but no stakes. Rowan doesn't seem all that interesting beyond her ability to kill people with a single thought, which she doesn't appear to know how to wield with with any degree of control, or wouldn't Claudius be like dead already?

The first version was something I haven't seen a lot of. This version feels like last week's yogurt.

I'm not going to tell you what to do; it's up to you.
----------------------

For the life of me, I can't seem to write a query from the main character's POV. I've tried it from the antagonist's side and find that I like this much better:

Dear QueryShark:

Claudius has always gained what he desired through murder and manipulation. Disguised as a priest, the former druid claws his way to through the Christian church in only a few years.

If he's disguised, he's not an actual priest. If he's working his way up the church hierarchy, the ~~Cardinals and~~ head honchos*** and Pope would have to think he's the real deal. And the Church keeps records.

He is now a bishop and sought after by the rich, Roman peerage of Britannia for his wondrous ‘miracles’. Claudius cannot help but laugh. These sheep do not know the difference between God’s work and dark magic. He is now bored and covets a new title: archbishop to the Roman city of Eboracum. When he kills the previous possessor of that position, Claudius realizes he made a mistake when he allows a boy who witnesses the murder to live.

He knew he should have killed that brat when he had the chance. This boy, Rowan, is not a he, but a she … and Claudius’ bastard daughter. She is a bandrui, a female druid, driven to avenge her clan and her adoptive father all whom he had helped destroy years ago. She is a formidable enemy with power that surpasses his own- and this is a battle he cannot afford to lose. He has no choice; she must die. When she is gone, all of Britannia will bow to him, just as before.

I didn't know all of Britannia bowed to him before. Surely that's his goal, not what has already happened?

ROWAN OF THE MOOR is a Paranormal/Historical (with romantic elements) single novel of 100,000 words and takes place in fourth-century, Roman occupied Britain.

You've got three categories here. And since I'm absolutely positive that Rowan and Claudius are not the romantic element, you can surely leave that out.

I thank you in advance for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

I think this is a pretty good query letter as it stands. The paranormal stuff is going to move it off my request list but I can see someone reading pages on this pretty easily.

But your note at the start makes me pause. If you can't write about the main character (and you don't say who it is but my guess is Rowan) you might need to think about the book differently. Maybe Claudius is the main character. He's certainly interesting enough. And he thinks he's the hero of this story, no doubt.

Query letters can do a lot of things, including make you crazy, but one of the unexpected things is it can reveal problems with the actual novel.

If Claudius is the main character we'll certainly need to understand why he is doing what he's doing and he'll certainly need to do some character development. You might need another pass at the novel with this re-focus in mind.

Your problem here isn't the query.

***my lack of knowledge of the 4th Century church is pretty clear here. Commenter caught it.

Pause for a recap

2011-08-30T21:19:00.000-04:00

Dear QueryShark:

I don't want to be a smartass or anything. I'm genuinely curious about something. You insist that those who want to submit to the query shark read the archives first. That's what I've been doing, and I'm a little confused about the contradictory opinions I've found there. For instance:

http://queryshark.blogspot.com/2008/04/1.html

In that post, you say you like rhetorical questions. But in this one (and loads of others): http://queryshark.blogspot.com/2011/06/206.html you say queriers shouldn't open with any sort of question.

I used to be ok with rhetorical questions but then they just seemed to get lame and then more lame. It's entirely possible my tastes have changed. Agents are getting a LOT more queries now then they used to (or at least that's my sense of things--and my mail reflects that too) When you see a lot of rhetorical questions done poorly it just gets to the point that you never want to see one again.

Also: http://queryshark.blogspot.com/2008/12/86.html

That query is written in first person. But in this one (and others): http://queryshark.blogspot.com/2011/06/203.html you say not to write a query in first person.

Don't confuse I-the-writer with I-the-character. You always write queries in I-the-writer first person. You're almost never ever going to write in I-the-character.

However, you've also said many times that people can break the rules if they do it well, and if they query accomplishes it's goal, which is to convince people to read more.

So. My questions. First, did your opinion change after seeing a few too many rhetorical questions, or is it all in the question? For instance, if someone asked, "Don't you just hate rhetorical questions?" would that work better than "Have you ever mistaken your wife for a hat?". And second, is there a way to write a query in first person that won't instantly be seen as a gimmick? I have no interest in writing a query that way, but I'm curious. If, as in that example, it's full of a voice that hooks you, does that transcend the gimmick?

There is no one template. There is no magic set of rules. There are lots of contradictions. All you have to do is find your voice and write really well. It's very simple and very hard.

And I don't think you're a smart ass.

#209-Revised 1x

2011-08-21T09:50:00.004-04:00

~~SUSPECTS-83,000 words.~~

Put all the housekeeping stuff at the end. Start with the good stuff: what happens.

Fourteen-year-old Charlene didn't come home from school today. Friends and relatives do what they can to console the Ives family, but only her safe return will suffice. With no witnesses to the abduction, and no demands for ransom, detectives focus their attention on the parents--they are not telling the whole truth. When a reporter overhears one cop tell another that the father is a person of interest, media speculation runs rampant.

John Ives is hiding something, but it's not the whereabouts of his daughter. It is the government-issue computers in the basement... and his past. Ronald Perkins, a former recruiter for the CIA and now Deputy Secretary for Homeland Security, knows Ives is not who he says he is, but doesn't care. Someone with an IQ of 180 and is not afraid to break the law is a valuable asset. With national security at stake, Perkins mobilizes forces to root out the perpetrators before Ives is exposed.

A waste of time, money and manpower. Her disappearance is not political.

If you stop here, you leave us wondering. If you put in that last paragraph, we stop wondering. Leave us wondering. Leave us wanting to read on.

Anna ignores her. The new girl will find out soon enough. Anna Bianchi has been locked in this cellar for more than two years. The same routine week after week, month after month. Chained at the ankle, forced to listen to the incoherent rants of a lunatic, Anna can't take it anymore and wants to die. The new girl says her name is Charlene. It doesn't matter. She's never going home either.

Thank you.

Much better. Make those changes and I think you've got a good query.

----------
She comes to in the dark. The flannel nightgown, the baggy underpants and the woolen socks are not hers. Panic forces the terrified fourteen-year-old upright. Nausea drains what little strength she has.
She gags with the foul odor in the makeshift prison. The room starts to spin. A shadow within shadows stirs six feet away. The ominous clink of a chain slithers on the far side of the cellar floor. Fettered at the ankle by the same chain someone, or something, pulls her closer...

This paragraph is just an event without any context.

It's the equivalent of putting the first paragraph of the book in the query. Don't do that. A query needs to provide some framework. Without framework, we don't know what's important.

If I were reading this query as a submission, I'd stop here. It feels like a psychological horror novel, and frankly, those things scare the crap out of me, and I don't read them.

Their daughter Charlene didn't come home from school that day, or the next, or the day after that. Friends and relatives do what they can to console the Ives family, but only her safe return will suffice. With no witnesses to the abduction, and no demands for ransom, detectives focus their attention on the parents. They are not telling the whole truth. Within hours, community support for John and Lauren Ives vanishes as media speculation runs rampant.

And this paragraph shows you've got something actually quite good: a high concept novel with a twist on the usual crime novel motif.

Trouble is, you don't have enough. Who's the hero? Who's going to solve the problem? We need the next step to see what the story is about. You've got the concept here but nothing more.

Ditch the first paragraph. Write the third. You'll probably have a pretty decent query.

SUSPECTS-83,000 words.

Thank you.

#208-Revised 1x

2011-08-14T10:22:00.025-04:00

Dear Query Shark,

When a stranger calls Trinity Esposito and asks her to donate bone marrow to the daughter she gave up for adoption sixteen years ago, Trinity is not worried about past sins being exposed. She’s never given up a child for adoption. Trinity explains to the caller that she has the wrong woman and hangs up, assuming that she will never hear from Rebekah Cooper again.

A week later, Rebekah appears on Trinity’s doorstep with the adoption paperwork of her daughter Sasha. Trinity is mystified to find her childhood address on the state’s form of conditional surrender as well as a signature that is not in her handwriting. Trinity abruptly realizes that this was not a straightforward clerical error. Sixteen years ago, someone stole her identity.

Proving to the Coopers that she is telling the truth is a simple matter of taking a DNA test; finding answers to why her name was on their paperwork proves much harder. Although Trinity willingly speaks to their private investigator and offers to help with their search, the Coopers make it clear that they don’t really trust her. After receiving the DNA results, they stop returning her calls.

Then Sasha Cooper stumbles upon her parents’ research and knocks on Trinity’s door, believing she is about to meet her birth mother. Gradually, as an unlikely friendship forms between them, what was Trinity’s search for answers becomes solely about finding the biological family that is needed to save a young girl’s life.

A RELATIVE CONCERN is contemporary Christian Fiction and my first novel. The first chapter follows below. The completed manuscript is 68,000 words.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

The plot that you've outlined is very dated. Without any other elements to spice things up, this is a Lifetime movie in 1993. And because there are no other elements, this is an example of what agents and editors mean when they say the book isn't "big enough." There's not enough plot here to carry a novel. You need more, a lot more.

You need a bad guy. You need stakes. You need some sense of why this is a Christian novel other than you telling me it is. You need more story. This runs 68,000 words right now. You can EASILY add 20K and be ok on word count. You can add 30K and be ok if you have to.

Right now, quit worrying about the query. Go back and outline that novel and then start adding story. At least one subplot. Some characters.

The set up of finding out her identity was stolen shouldn't take up more than 3 chapters or 30 pages. That's not plot. That's set up.

You might want to even put the novel on hold for 90 days and go read 20 novels in your category. Outline THOSE novels and see what the writers did to develop plot. Pick good books and by that I mean ones that you like but also that other people like. You can find word count for a lot of novels on Amazon under "text stats" in the INSIDE THIS BOOK section under all the reviews.

I think you're querying too soon. I don't think your book is fully cooked yet.
-------------
Dear QueryShark

~~Trinity Esposito receives the most bizarre phone call of her life~~

you're telling us how it turns out before we see what it is. Telegraphing the punch line in effect. If you start here ----> when a stranger asks her to donate bone marrow to the daughter she gave up for adoption sixteen years ago.

and complete the sentence with Trinity isn't worried about a secret being revealed. She's never given up a child for adoption then you have the event followed by the reaction.

Of course, that's just off the top of my head as I write this, first draft, so you'll want to polish it up, but my point is the structure of the sentence: event, then reaction.

The problem is that Trinity never gave a child up for adoption. ~~Mystified as to how such a serious error could occur,~~

most likely what happens is Trinity explains she never gave up a child, they have the wrong Trinity, and then hangs up. Mystified comes later when she has time to think about it.

she hangs up, assuming that she will never hear from the woman again.

A week later, Rebekah Cooper (who is Rebekah Cooper?) appears on her doorstep with a birth certificate and adoption paperwork—both of which list Trinity as the mother of ~~this sick teenage girl.~~ Rebekah's daughter Sasha. Trinity willingly takes a DNA test, and her husband makes it clear that genetic proof is all that she owes the Coopers. ~~But Trinity wants answers.~~

Ok, here is where you need sharper focus. Trinity's not the mom. Why does she think this is more than just a clerical error. Or someone else with her name. (There are at least a dozen people with my name that I know of) What does she suspect?

Her personal concerns fade when she meets Sasha Cooper and an unlikely friendship forms between them. Gradually, Trinity’s search for answers becomes solely about finding the biological family that is needed to save a young girl’s life~~, even if Trinity’s oldest friends are the ones who have betrayed them both.~~

And here's a plot failure point. Trinity is not the mom. Someone else is. Won't Sasha's adoptive mom be moving heaven and earth to find out who the biological mom is? Why is Trinity the only one looking?

And I have a feeling that final clause reveals much of the entire plot. Thus, leave it out.

A RELATIVE CONCERN is contemporary Christian Fiction and my first novel. The first chapter follows below. The completed manuscript is 68,000 words.

~~Thank you for taking the time to consider my query.~~

I'd probably read this query as is. It's not a bad query. It does the one thing queries need to do: entice me to read on.

But, there are some problems here that might also be problems in the novel. It's great to get a lot of requests for fulls but very VERY disheartening to not then get offers of representation.

After your query is all polished up from the stuff you learn here, I hope you're applying it to the novel you're writing.

#207-Revised 1x

2011-07-30T10:59:00.005-04:00

Dear Query Shark:

The fading nation of Entropia is having a lousy time of it lately. No one visits anymore, and is it any wonder. The airports are closed--officially blamed on a 14-year strike by the Toiletpaper Restockers Union. The only way in is through a poorly maintained tunnel with an exorbitant entry fee. But the Tourist Board's Ernie Shodabruski has a plan.

Misanthropic gameshow champion Chase Windborn wins an all-expense-paid tour of Entropia for himself and one of his foreign pen pals. Welder and frustrated artist Natalie Machackova is Ernie's choice. And if Chase chooses to stay home with his stamps, he'll forfeit a half-million of his winnings.

Ok, you've got a missed connection between the last sentence of the first paragraph and the first sentence of the second paragraph. Consider this: But the Tourist Boards' Ernie Shodabruski has a plan: award an all-expense paid tour of Entropia on a game show.

Misanthropic gameshow champion Chase Windborn wins the trip for himself and one of his foreign pen pals.

Obviously all the writing in italic is a raw first draft, but the link between the events is clearer here. In short form writing like queries, it's really important that one paragraph flow into the next without the reader thinking "huh, what??"

The tour is broadcast around the world, while Ernie drives them from one dysfunctional town to another: flooded Fort Mildew, pious Mt. Cyanide, the homeless veterans' island of Maroon. ~~None of these are places Natalie hoped to see. But art colonies aren't on Ernie's itinerary. Neither is Stamphenge.~~

At Joyful Noise, where Entropia's children are raised and expectations lowered, Ernie is forced to spend two days with his son--a child so bright, he can't really be his. Chase takes the van and drops Natalie in a town full of artists.

You're trying to stuff too much into this query. Focus on the main event. I hate like hell to lose "where Entropia's children are raised and expectations lowered" but this is why "murder your darlings" is sterling writing advice.

In Stamphenge Chase spots a stamp that once belonged to his grandmother. Convinced since childhood he triggered her death by using her most valuable stamp to send away for other stamps, he steals it back. But when two wrongs fail to put things right, only Natalie may be resourceful enough to fix it.

In the tradition of Terry Pratchett's Discworld, Entropia is a comic fantasy that examines contemporary American life. It is complete at 100,600 words. My work has been published in Kaleidoscope, American Heritage, Rosebud, and The Journal of Irreproducible Results.

Thank you for ~~considering Entropia.~~ your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

Better. Much much better.

---------------------------------
Dear Query Shark:

To all appearances, Chase Windborn is sitting pretty. True, he's essentially friendless and his town, Mt. Cyanide, is infested with the unreasonably pious, but he makes a lucrative living on the gameshow circuit, takes pride in still driving a utilitarian Barnacle, and tolerates a horde of correspondents willing to send him stamps for his collection.

huh? This is so confusing it's hard to know where to start. He makes a living on the gameshow circuit signals that this isn't literary fiction, it's obviously some sort of comic novel. Then "utilitarian Barnacle" makes me wonder if if it's science fiction. Then stamp collecting sends me back to comic-novel again.

I'm confused. That's not a good thing.

When Chase wins an all-expense-paid tour of Entropia for himself and one of his foreign pen pals, welder Natalie Machackova is not his first choice, or even his last. Shadowed by an indefensibly enthusiastic Tourist Board, they travel through a dysfunctional, balkanized Entropia that reveals itself, one horrid town after another. In Stamphenge, Chase spots a rare stamp that once belonged to his grandmother. Convinced he triggered her death by using her most valuable stamp to send away for other stamps as a child, he steals it back. But when he learns the stamp's owner has died that very night, Chase fears he has killed again.

This social satire is complete at 100,600 words. My work has been published in Kaleidoscope, American Heritage, Rosebud, and The Journal of Irreproducible Results.

Satire of what? Stamp collecting?

Please note this is a simultaneous submission. Thank you for considering Entropia.

you don't need to tell me it's a simultaneous submission. I assume you're querying widely. Unless an agent specifically requests to know that you can leave it out. And you don't want to spend words on something you don't need to say. Use as many words to entice me to read this instead of covering housekeeping matters.

Social satire is a tough category for queries because the book is not plot driven. You've added to your challenge by placing this in a fictive world. You might want to think about leaving out the proper names here and just have Chase on a tour, finding a stamp, etc. Without the proper names we can focus on the gist of the story. (although Stamphenge IS hilarious)

Even though this book is not plot driven, we have to get a sense of the story. I don't have that from this query. What we have is the set up: Chase thinks he might be a killer and stamps are his weapon. That's actually pretty funny but we need to see more.

But the big problem remains: I'm not sure what you're satirizing.

Right now this is a form rejection.

#206

2011-06-25T09:40:00.001-04:00

Dear Query Shark:

A helicopter crashes. An airport is closed. Traffic blocks a highway. Are they related? Is it terrorism? Or something worse?

This sounds like Monday on the LIRR to me. Which is the biggest problem with rhetorical questions...they don't elicit the answer you think they do. And that's the reason I continue to tell queriers: don't open your query with any sort of question.

I'm a published author, and I've just completed (redacted), a 102,000-word thriller woven in part around these themes.

What themes? You haven't mentioned ANY themes. You've mentioned traffic.

Never EVER use the phrase "just completed" in a query. The last thing I want to read is something you "just completed." I want to read something you've polished until it gleams. There's absolutely no need to mention how recently you finished this and polished it up. This is one place where you can cut words, and you need to because this query clocks in at 440 words.

And "I'm a published author" has become code for "I'm self published and trying to hide it."

Of course, when I looked up your name, you're not that at all. You want to make SURE you mention the title and publisher of your last book. Here's how to do that.

"I am the author of TITLE (Publisher: year published) a non-fiction look at Subject. I am querying you on my first novel TITLE OF NOVEL." In other words, get the name of the publisher right there next to the title.

If you have more than one book here's what you do:

"I am the author of Number of Books, most recently TITLE (Publisher: year published). I've included a list of my books at the bottom of this email" and then include the list below your signature and above the first 3-5 pages of the manuscript you include in the query.

Here's where your query really starts ----->~~The story tracks~~ Adam Robson and Zoe Diamond, two yuppie New York reporters, ~~who~~ witness what seems like an unfortunate but innocent helicopter crash over the New Jersey Turnpike. The next day they inexplicably become the targets of violence. Panicked, they flee to Mexico, then Argentina, and finally the Middle East as they try to learn who is attacking them and why.

They're the only people who see a helicopter crash on the NJ Turnpike? Really? You can't pry me out of NYC with a crowbar so I haven't actually ever seen the NJ Turnpike, but I looked up the stats and it seems like there are more than 100,000 cars on the NJ Turnpike daily. If they're not the only people who see it, why are they targets?

And their first response is run to Mexico? Not go to the police?

This is why short form queries are so hard to write. You don't have time to explain or world-build. You have to entice your reader with very few words.

Meanwhile, Ariel Katz, a tenacious Israeli anti-terrorism expert, becomes intrigued by the crash, suspecting that terrorists might be involved. Katz's investigation indirectly lures Adam and Zoe to Israel. Just after they enter that country with forged documents, Katz orders their arrest. Pursued now by two groups, Adam and Zoe find themselves running frantically into the Old City of Jerusalem. There a harrowing chase through the narrow, ancient streets and alleyways finally leads them to the Church of the Holy Sepulchre, Christianity's holiest site.

Who is the protagonist? Who is the antagonist? Right now you've got a lot of people running around the world. You've got a lot going on, but no plot.

With no way out, Adam and Zoe have to decide who to trust. Only in the aftermath do they finally learn the chilling truth that will haunt them, ~~and the reader,~~ forever.

Only one story has haunted me forever, and you don't want to promise to do that to me again. (Shirley Jackson's THE LOTTERY in case you're wondering.)

"Haunt you forever" is hyperbole. It's not effective in a query.

The style of (redacted) combines the pace and excitement of John Grisham's earlier books with the uncanny relevance of Wag the Dog, weaving together terrorism, international intrigue, and hints of politics, religion, history, and myth. (Many of the supporting details come from my own research.) Combined with the exotic locations in the novel, (redacted) offers excellent cinematic possibilities.

You're telling, not showing. Cinematic possiblities is nice, but I'm not a film agent. All I care about is whether it's a rip-roaring novel with a crackerjack plot.

I have written or contributed to 15 non-fiction books, with another forthcoming; I've also written for the (well-known newspaper). And I lecture widely throughout North America and Europe. I was prompted to turn to fiction when reviewers called me a "master raconteur" who writes with "a flair" (well known other newspaper) and lauded my first non-fiction book as a "tour de force" that "reads like
an adventure novel."

There's no way to say that stuff about yourself without sounding pretentious as hell. It may be true (I'm sure it is) but it's like telling people your SAT score. I don't really care why you turned to writing novels. I only care if this is one I want to read.

Can I send you part or all of my ms. for review?

~~For your convenience,~~ I've also made the ms. and information about it available on-line at: (redacted)

you have your entire manuscript online? oh wait, no you don't. It's password encrypted. Thus it's NOT online unless I email you to ask you for the password.

I'm not going to do that. And I'm probably not going to go to your website to read pages. When an agent asks for the first N to N+1 pages in a query, you have to paste them in the email. NOT include a URL.

I can be reached as follows:

E-mail: (redacted)
Phone: (redacted)
Post: (redacted)

This info goes under your name.

~~I look forward to hearing from you.~~ Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

This query is 404 words, and I really encourage writers to adhere to the 250 mark. Not just to keep it to the one page limit, but forcing yourself to write in this short form forces you to pare down your query to the essentials.

In the QueryShark archives is a template for how to get the essentials of plot in to a query letter. I'm honest to god not kiddding when I tell you guys reading the archives is essential. Yes I know there are 200+ letters in there, but if you read those first you'll save yourself a lot of time and revisions.

This is a form rejection despite impressive publication credentials. I have no sense of the plot, and that's absolutely critical in a thriller. I have no sense of the antagonist either.

Start over.

#205-Revised

2011-06-19T09:55:00.017-04:00

~~(date)~~

You don't need the date in the body of a query letter. I know when you sent it because my email management program tells me.

Dear QueryShark

~~I chose your agency because: (bla, bla, bla.)~~

Don't lead with this. I personally don't give a rat's asterisk about why you queried me but I know some of my ilk like to see this ~~kiss-up stuff~~ personalization. It goes at the end of the query. Start with the story.

My completed novel OUTLAWS ~~(working title)~~ is 66,400 words ~~action story.~~

Don't worry about the title, and whether it's working or final or whatever. Publishers have final say in the title of books and at least half the books I've sold have undergone title changes. In other words, don't get too attached to the "perfect title"--just like washing your car is a sure fire way to make it rain, loving your title too much means it's Gone In 60 Seconds.

Josh Grant's puritan upbringing by Amish grandparents did not prepare him for life as a city cop. It did prepare him to live as a reclusive farmer in the mountains of Southern Idaho where he relocated. The lifestyle served as his personal pergatory to atone for his self-imposed guilt for not protecting his wife and son from the drug ravaged city crime. His isolated hideaway, where the only responsibility was to his animals, served as santuary for a while.

Did you even run spell check before you sent this?

You're still bogged down in backstory. How Josh got to Idaho, and Grandpa and Grandma aren't relevant. He's there now. Start where the story starts.

It starts here ----->When he stumbles onto the bloodied body of his friend at the general store he reluctantly calls on his street skills to protect his friend's daughter Jolene from the thugs who murdered her father. Together they must survive attacks from the ruthless gang bent on eliminating witnesses to the murder.

Consider this: Josh finds his friend, Felix Buttonweazer murdered at the general store. Now he must help Felix's daughter Jolene hide from the ruthless gang determined to eliminate witnesses.

Names are a big help on keeping everyone straight.

The gang kidnapps Jolene and Josh must go on the offensive. Along the way he finds renewed reason to live.

If they're bent on eliminating witnesses, why do they kidnap her? Why don't they kill her?

~~(About me)~~

Well, no, you actually have to spell this out in a query.

Thank you for your consideration.

I sense you're getting impatient here, with both the critiques and the comments. You've written the novel, and you just want to get started on getting it in front of people. I'm impatient too, and easily frustrated (just ask the minions who have to deal with me in the office on a daily basis--they have bolt holes for when it gets rough!)

Right now, you need to step back and give this query some breathing time. At least two weeks. Don't read the comments (in fact, I'm going to shut them down). Just let this percolate for awhile.

Go read some good novels. Give yourself some time off. Then come back, read through the archives again (you're missing the template of how to talk about plot in a query) then start over.

This is better than it was, but it's still not close to where it needs to be.

--------------------------
> (date)
>
> Dear (agent):
>
> Imagine being a homicide detective in a drug ravaged city where your wife
> and young child are the victims of a drive-by shooting.
>
>Detroit detective, Josh Grant lived through that - barely. Plagued with
>self-loathing over his failure to protect his family, he quits the force
> and moves to the mountains of Southern Idaho where he exists as a
>reclusive farmer just as his Amish grandparents had.
>
> On a trip to a country general store for supplies he stumbles onto the
> bloodied body of the store owner and interrupts the attempted rape of the
> owner's daughter, Jolene. Josh recognizes the motorcycle gang's logo as
> that of the notorious Outlaws, a vicious biker gang he's dealt with in the
> past. In his rescue of Jolene, Josh kills one biker and holds another for
> arrest. He and Jolene join forces to prevent further attempts by the
> Outlaws to avenge their fallen brother and eliminate witnesses to the
> murder. Holed up at Josh's isolated farm, he and Jolene survive an all-out
> gun battle with the gang, only to have Jolene kidnapped by the leader of
> the gang and held hostage to lure Josh into his gun sights. With his back
> to the wall and no help, Josh must end this - his way.
>
> OUTLAWS is a completed 66400-word action/romance novel.
>
> My professional experience as a police lieutenant in a large Ohio city
> imbues this novel with a ring of authenticity only experience can bring. I
> have published articles in major trade publications including Police Chief
> and Law Enforcement.
>
> Thank you for your consideration.

This is how your query looks when you copy it from one email and paste it in another or FORWARD. It's blue, it's got the > thingies, and it's hard to read.

The QueryPolice won't show up at your house. Agents will still glance at your query, BUT it's REALLY hard to read, even on a computer screen. A LOT of agents are reading on their iphones and smaller screens.

Don't do this.

Command D: Duplicate message. Invest a couple minutes in finding out how your mail program does this and then USE IT. And NEVER forward a query email. Never.

I don't retype every pitch letter to editors. I duplicate the basic message and then personalize it (Dear Reagan Arthur, I'm desperate to do a book with you cause I adore everything you publish. Pleeeeeze buy this)

Now on to the actual substance of the query:

(date)

Dear Query Shark:

~~Imagine being a homicide detective in a drug ravaged city where your wife and young child are the victims of a drive-by shooting.~~

No thank you. This kind of abrupt statement is akin to a rhetorical question. It's not the most effective way to open a query letter. For starters, I don't have a wife or a young child. While I can certainly read books featuring heroes who have those stakes, the reason I care about the wife and child is because I am sympathetic with the hero, NOT because I have a wife and child. There's a big difference.

Detroit detective, Josh Grant lived through that - barely. Plagued with self-loathing over his failure to protect his family, he quits the force and moves to the mountains of Southern Idaho where he exists as a reclusive farmer just as his Amish grandparents had.

This is all backstory. And it's backstory that kills this query letter. Why would I want to spend any time at all, let alone a couple hours in the company of a man who is clearly so despondent and reclusive? There's nothing here that catches my sympathy or my interest.

Let me holler on my soapbox again: the purpose of a query is to ENTICE an agent to read your novel. This isn't.

The story starts here -----> On a trip to a country general store for supplies he stumbles onto the

bloodied body of the store owner and interrupts the attempted rape of the owner's daughter, Jolene. Josh recognizes the motorcycle gang's logo as that of the notorious Outlaws, a vicious biker gang he's dealt with in the past. In his rescue of Jolene, Josh kills one biker and holds another for arrest. He and Jolene join forces to prevent further attempts by the Outlaws to avenge their fallen brother and eliminate witnesses to the murder. Holed up at Josh's isolated farm, he and Jolene survive an all-out

gun battle with the gang, only to have Jolene kidnapped by the leader of the gang and held hostage to lure Josh into his gun sights. With his back to the wall and no help, Josh must end this - his way.

You've given me the entire synopsis here so there's no sense of wanting to know "what comes next" which you MUST have in a query.

OUTLAWS is a completed 66400-word action/romance novel.

This is not a romance novel in any way shape or form. This is a straight up piece of commercial fiction.

My professional experience as a police lieutenant in a large Ohio city imbues this novel with a ring of authenticity only experience can bring. I have published articles in major trade publications including Police Chief and Law Enforcement.

Thank you for your consideration.

This query doesn't work. There's nothing fresh or original about the plot. I have no sense of connection to the characters, and no reason to care about what happens to them. The villains are stereotypes. I'd be MUCH more interested in this if the motorcycle gang were the good guys.

This is a form rejection.

#204-Revised

2011-06-11T09:28:00.002-04:00

Dear Query Shark

Maya will ~~do anything to save Matthew, including~~ pose as Arthur’s girlfriend, if he makes sure her young protégée’s medical treatments are fully paid in exchange.

See the difference?

Of course, things would be easier if Arthur was not so far from her image of the ideal boyfriend. Let’s face it: he’s arrogant, he’s snob, he discards women like toys and he bends to his father’s heartless commands without a protest. At least he's... Well, hot. And with her family’s charity foundation under financial scrutiny, Arthurs is also the only one who can help her to save the boy’s life.

In Arthur’s world, Maya feels out of her league and unwelcomed. He adjusts to hers so well she wonders if there’s more to the man than first meets the eye. She really should focus on his motives, or the threats against the Foundation, instead of listening to her foolish heart’s whispers about second chances. Because she agreed to kiss him only for Matthew, didn’t she?

SECOND CHANCES is my first romantic novel and it counts 50 000 words.

Romantic novel? No. Romance novel is a category. Romantic novel is a novel blowing kisses off the shelf.

It counts 50,000 words? Novels don't count words. Novels are comprised of words. It's 50,000 words.

These are the mistakes of a non-native speaker and let me tell you, they raise a HUGE red flag. When you have these kinds of mistakes in the query, you'll have them in the novel, and no matter how much I like a novel, that's going to be a problem.

This is one of the very few instances where I'd suggest you hire a good freelance editor to help you polish up the manuscript. Find a good one cause you'll need him/her on your team for the long term.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

This is much better but still needs polishing.

-------------------

This query arrived in blue "ink". Always ALWAYS email your query to a couple friends who use different computer platforms and different emails than you as a test. Blue won't keep your query from being considered but it makes it harder to read. You don't want ANYTHING standing in the way of your query looking great.

Dear Query Shark,

My novel, SECOND CHANCES, is a 48 000 word fiction, targeted for contemporary romance.

Your novel is targeted for contemporary romance? I'm sorry, that makes me laugh out loud at the charming idea of all the novels on my bookshelves having parties, hooking up, and generally making merry while they await their chance to be read.

Do you mean the category is "contemporary romance?" You say: My novel is a contemporary romance of 48,000 words. Which is REALLY short by the way, even for category romance.

And you put all this housekeeping info at the bottom. Start with the story.

~~It will take you within Maya's world, some days before Christmas.~~

This is telling not showing.

Maya Finnegan has a job she loves, being the intendant at the Vallon Hospital;

I didn't assume you misspelled attendant until I looked up "intendant"

she also gives time to the Make-a-wish Association and the Gerald Finnegan Foundation. When an orphan named Matthew arrives at the hospital, Maya is instantly drawn to him and she knows he will need the resources of the Foundation to receive the proper treatments for his cancer.

This is all backstory.

However, the bank account is frozen, (what bank account) apparently due to her godfather’s (who?) intervention. Robert (who?) never accepted the Finnegans’ money escaped his control, and he will stop at nothing to get the money back under his ‘care’. For him, a small child’s death is just collateral damage in his war against the sisters (what sisters?). And he seems also very sure the Finnegan family has something to hide.

I've stopped reading here. I'm utterly confused about who the main character is. I'm absolutely stymied about why you think any of this describes a romance of any kind, and I'm here to tell you that if you kill that kid, you're going to be toast in the query process even if you revise this thing to perfection.

His son is no better.

The story starts here------>Arthur Pendleton is conceited, arrogant, snob, he considers women as toys, and he uses sarcasm the way others play the piano. Maya should know better than trust him when he presents her with a deal, quite simple. Maya will pose as his girlfriend for a while. In exchange, Arthur will make sure Matthew’s operation is paid, and he will take care of any financial difficulty until the child recovers fully. Arthur claims his father has decided it is time for him to find a proper wife, one mighty Robert will of course choose, and that getting married, especially to his father’s idea of the perfect spouse, is not in his immediate plans. Maya is suspicious, but to save the child, she accepts. Damned the consequences…

As requested on your guidelines, the synopsis is pasted below.

My experiences with publishing are linked to my job as an geotechnical engineer, with my master thesis, and co-writing a scientific article published with the XXX proceedings in 2010. I enjoy writing and have done so for a very long time, in both English and French.

I thank you for your time and consideration ~~and I hope my story will be what you are looking for.~~

Sincerely,

If you are pitching a romance, start with the two people involved in the romance, and what the barrier is to finding happiness. You don't need a lot of set up and backstory in a query (you don't need it in a novel either.)

This doesn't do what a query letter must do: entice me to read on.

Start over.

#203-revised 2x

2011-06-11T08:50:00.007-04:00

Dear Query Shark:

When Amanda Shaw is shipped off to her grandparents for the summer, she figures she's in for the most boring two months of her life.

Your story starts here ----->All that changes when she sits next to Emily Lawrence the first day of summer school. Emily is psychic and insists Amanda's "friend" Charlie is a ghost. Before Amanda can deny Emily's claims, Charlie flips over Emily's desk and disappears.

This is where the story starts, but not exactly as you've written it here of course. It starts here because this is where something happens. The first paragraph is set up, back-story. We don't need to know any of it.

3: ~~Amanda must decide if finding out who Charlie was and why he has always been with her will help or destroy him.~~

With each bit of information about Charlie that Amanda and Emily find, Charlie retaliates. At first, he inconveniences them: turning off electricity while they’re Google-ing him and shredding homework.

But right before the girls meet Charlie’s mother, Charlie changes from a scared yet good natured ghost to an evil force: shattering glass and throwing it at them.

~~Charlie remembers bits of his last day alive in a series of short flashbacks, but when he nearly kills Amanda, his memory comes flooding back.~~

you're telling too much here. A query shouldn't reveal the entire book. I'd strike this paragraph and put Paragraph 3 here instead:

3: Amanda must decide if finding out who Charlie was and why he has always been with her will help or destroy him.

A TORTURED SOUL is a paranormal YA novel complete at 66,000 words.

You've called this YA but the story feels more middle grade to me. The stakes aren't very high, and the level of threat is pretty mild. Glass throwing ghosts are scary but not terrifying.

In a previous iteration of this query, you mention Amanda is 14. That also puts it at middle grade. Young readers read up: they read books about kids slightly older than they are. Thus your audience is 10-13.

This still doesn't work yet. It's still flat. Your words don't have enough energy to entice me to read on. Read the archives again. Pay attention to the queries that got to yes. Almost universally they have an energy and zest that grabs my attention.

--------------------
Dear Query Shark:

Amanda Shaw has been a loner her whole life, except for her imaginary friend Charlie. After getting into some trouble at home, she’s shipped off to her grandparent’s for what is sure to be the most boring summer ever, summer school and community service included.

This isn't terrible. There's nothing overtly wrong. The problem is you can't be just ok and get to the next level. This doesn't sing out to me; it doesn't say "read me!"

One of the reasons is you're telling me, not showing me. And you're telling me in a very static (rather than dynamic) way.

Consider this: When Amanda is shipped off to her grandparents for the summer (after that little problem at school) she knows she's in for the most boring summer of her life.

For starters it's shorter. And there's motion. Do you see the difference?

Then Amanda meets Emily Lawrence, the only other person who can see Charlie. At first, Amanda thinks it’s great, until Emily tells her a secret: she’s a psychic— oh and Charlie just might be a ghost.

And really your story starts here. When Amanda meets Emily Lawrence, she's astonished Emily can see her long time imaginary friend Charlie. But Emily says she can see Charlie cause she's a physic and Charlie's a ghost.

See the difference?

This is what I'm yapping about constantly when I say things like "tighten up" and "take out every word you don't need. What I'm asking for is momentum, a sense the story is rushing forward.

Using Emily’s abilities and what little Amanda knows about Charlie, they find out Charlie is Charlie O’Sullivan, a teen who went missing nearly 15 years ago. During her community service cleaning the small town police station, Amanda uncovers Charlie’s file, including the grisly pictures of the bedroom where he was kidnapped. Now that she knows who he is, Amanda must decide if finding out what happened to Charlie will help or hurt the only friend she had growing up.

This is honestly just flat out flat. I don't feel anything from what you're telling me here.

At Emily’s insistance, the girls continue to ask questions that Charlie and the police refuse to answer. Charlie’s parents hear that Amanda and Emily are asking questions about his dissappearance and want to meet with them. As Amanda and Emily get closer and closer to discovering his tragic past, Charlie’s sweetness quickly disappears and a violent spirit emerges.

You're telling not showing. What does Charlie DO?

A TORTURED SOUL is a paranormal YA novel complete at 66,000 words.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

This is miles ahead of the disaster that was the first version, but you've got to give me something enticing, not something flat.

You've demonstrated you can hear advice and revise, one of the things every good writer must have.

Now you get to try again.

----------------------
Dear Query Shark:

My name is Amanda. I'm 14, and I have an imaginary friend. Or at least that's what I thought Charlie was. In summer school, I met Emily, who swore two things: she's psychic and Charlie is a ghost.

I thought she was messing with me, but after finding a picture of Charlie online, I couldn't help but believe her.

As she and I delved into Charlie's past, he became increasingly more agitated, threatening us with violence. That is, until we uncovered what he tried so hard to hide, both in his lifetime and through his death.

CHARLIE'S SECRETS is a paranormal YA novel complete at 66,000 words.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerly,

Don't write query letters in the first person POV of your characters. It's gimmicky, just like the example in #202 below.

Also, I'll give you a hundred bucks cold hard cash if you can produce a 14 year old who uses the word "delved" in conversation.

If you're writing a 14-year old character, you need to know how they talk: "Threatening us with violence" sounds like a sociologist; "told us he'd mess us up" sounds like what the kids on my corner say to each other.

This doesn't work at all. Start over.

Very perplexing complaint

2011-05-07T17:51:00.001-04:00

I don't get many complaints about QueryShark. In fact, none before this one.

Recently I sent a link to the QS to someone querying me. His query didn't work very well, and I thought I was offering him a second chance.

"Go to QueryShark.blogspot.com to see how this is done," I wrote.

Here's part of what he wrote back:

I see no reason to pussyfoot around so I will simply say that, from my perspective, Query Shark is a scam and I think you should be ashamed of yourself for being involved. I know the site probably makes you a lot of money, but those poor people who subscribe to the “service” seem to be desperate to have their work published. Out of that desperation, they spend their hard earned money and valuable time, trying to get their Query into a form that you find acceptable.

The only thing I can think of is that he saw "subscribe to this blog" and thought it meant send money. It doesn't. "Subscribe to this blog" is the way to enter this blog into your Google reader or other feed service so you know when it's updated. It's possible someone might not know this if they are unfamiliar with GoogleReader or RSS feeds.

QueryShark is free.

I don't charge you money to send a query, or critique your query if it's chosen.

You don't pay me; I don't pay you.

I know, it's nuts not to monetize the one thing people are desperate to get: query help. Sorry. I like to make my money the old fashioned way: sell my client's books. You'll just have to settle for this being absolutely free. And effective.

#201-Revised

2011-04-24T10:41:00.016-04:00

Dear Query Shark,

Pygmalionism gone awry, RUTHLESS AMBITION explores the life of Cassie Kincaid, an unattractive schizophrenic whose self-serving goals morph from innocent to insidious as she terrorizes her way to the top.

For starters, Pygmalion is the story of a man who coaches a woman to the top. For this to be Pygmalion gone awry you need two main characters.

And honestly, I'd probably stop reading here anyway because you've just described a main character I'm not sure I want to spend one paragraph with, let alone 60K words.

I'm not saying your main character has to be sweetness and light, evil and dasterdly can be very enticing qualities to explore. The trick here is to make her sound enticing. This doesn't do that. Instead of what you have here, think about how Cassie would describe herself and what she does.

You've got a story about the disconnection between what someone says and what she does, and how others see her. You have to convey that right here, first paragraph.

Cassie is fat, ugly and bullied her entire young life until she decides to take her fate into her own hands, never knowing that the voices inside are misleading her down a path that can have no success.

Are the voices the ones telling her to take her fate into her own hands? I have a hard time seeing why taking your fate into your own hands will lead you down a path that can have no success.

Also, the syntax (word choice) in that sentence is awkward: a path that can have no success doesn't really make much sense. You mean a path that doesn't lead to success.

Her motivations are entirely from the opinion of others; her college, radical plastic surgery and consequent rise up the ladder never satisfies her and Cassie becomes as inwardly ugly and ruthless as the very people she hated the most. Cassie doesn't understand why she is never fulfilled as she becomes everything she perceived would bring her the acceptance she's always craved.

RUTHLESS AMBITION is a tour de force of manipulative denial and misinterpretation of human contentment, a mainstream fiction novel of two hundred thousand words.

Please do not every describe your novel as a tour de force. That's for critics and readers to decide. A query letter shouldn't have any of those phrases: amazing, wonderful, blockbuster, bestseller, etc.

I am a member of the Society of Southwestern Authors, teacher, a freelance writer and entrepreneur in (redacted.) My articles have been published in the August, September and October issue of (redacted)

Thank you for your time.

The problem hers is you've got a book about character I don't want to spend time with. You've not done the one basic thing a query letter needs to do: entice a reader to want to read more.

I don't think the problem is the query letter. I think it's the novel. Some novels you need to write to get them out of your system, but not all novels should be shopped. I have a feeling this might be one of those.

------------------------------
Dear Query Shark:

In a world where beauty trumps brains, unattractive, obese Cassie Kincaid is bullied her entire life. After each confrontation, she hears voices and fears she will develop schizophrenia-the family curse.

"In a world" is cliche movie trailer narration. It's always a bad way to start a query. There are a lot of better ways to choose from. I always suggest you start with the name of the protagonist. Consider: Cassie Kincaid is has been bullied her entire life. After each confrontation, she hears voices and fears she will develop schizophrenia-the family curse.

Attending Harvard Medical School should have boosted her self-esteem, but when she is an extern at Dr. Hans Zimmermann's medical institute in Germany, her idol abuses and ridicules Cassie, too. Tormented and humiliated, she has an emotional breakdown while Ingrid von Horne, Zimmermann's assistant and lover, witnesses her psychotic behavior. The two become close friends when she nurses Cassie back to health.

I think it defies credulity that anyone without a healthy dose of self-esteem could survive Harvard Medical School. You're overly dramatic here. Does it matter which medical school she attends? No it doesn't. It's in fact, all back story at this point.

Desperately needing her professor's approval, she has radical plastic surgery, vowing to get even with everyone who made her suffer. Cassie's physical transformation is obvious. She's gorgeous. What isn't so obvious is the metamorphosis that takes place within. Her goals change from innocent to insidious. Originally, she wanted to be respected as a world-renowned neurosurgeon. Being a good girl got her nowhere. Now, she wants fame and fortune and will not stop until she has it all.

And here's where you lose me completely. I don't believe the premise of the novel now. And further, Cassie loses any sympathy I had for her (which wasn't much--you paint her as a passive dishrag here.)

Although I might have wanted her to get revenge on the (nameless, faceless) people who bullied her (great revenge novels like Sidney Sheldon's OTHER SIDE OF MIDNIGHT and Judith Krantz' SCRUPLES should be on your shelf) it's much less likely I'll sympathize with her now wanting "fame and fortune." Protagonists don't have to be nice or sweet or even good people. But they must get and keep our sympathy. Lose that, and you lose your reader.

Drunk with power, she destroys Zimmermann's marriage, betrays Ingrid, and in a coup becomes president of the Zimmermann Institute. Everyone is vindictive. Everyone wants revenge, but Cassie is the mastermind, pulling the strings of all the marionettes she manipulated to rise to the top. A power struggle ensues as schizophrenia lurks behind.

Lurks behind what? The drapes? Schizophrenia is a serious mental illness and other than the one line in the first paragraph, you've given us no hint that this is part of the novel.

Also, who's the villain in the novel? Cassie? If she's the villain, who's the hero?

RUTHLESS AMBITION is commercial fiction with two hundred thousand words.

oh, well, no. 200K is about twice as long as you want on something like this. The Other Side of Midnight mentioned above clocks in at 131K.

Thank you for your time.

~~Sincerely yours,~~

This feels like a fantasy cooked up to *really show those bastids* kind of thing. It feels very good to write, but doesn't actually work well on the page. It doesn't work well for the same reason most of the Lifetime movies don't work very well: they don't bear much resemblence to reality and and require so much suspension of disbelief you need to strap on bungee cords to read the damn thing.

Before you start redrafting your query or revising your novel, I STRONGLY suggest you read at least 50 novels (preferably debut) in the romance and women's fiction category. Really study them to see what agents are looking for and editors are buying. (This novel feels very very 1970s to me: passive woman transformed into angry avenger.) You don't have to like all of them (in fact, you won't) but you have to move away from "I like this" kind of reading to "what works here and what doesn't" analysis if you're going to be a writer. You have to know your category, and that means READ READ READ. Not just for entertainment. For your professional development.

If you don't know where to start, look at the books being reviewed at Smart Bitches, Trashy Books. .

They'll get you started in the right direction.

Back to the drawing board.

Form rejection.

Opportunities elsewhere

2011-04-13T11:13:00.000-04:00

Suzie Townsend my beloved colleague at FPLM is offering a critique of the first page of your manuscript. There are guidelines on her blog here.

Even if your pages don't get chosen, this will be invaluable for writers at the query stage.

#200-revised 2x

2011-04-10T09:39:00.053-04:00

Dear Query Shark,

~~Looking back, 16-year-old Marine Desmona can clearly count every one of her stupid mistakes.~~

story starts here ------>The first mistake was dancing with Duke Sinclair ~~and letting his cold hands touch her while his eyes absorbed light in that uncanny, lifeless way.~~ The second was going to the stable alone ~~where he could ambush her and rape her mind.~~ The third was not fleeing Adara and heading for Atlantis the moment she had the chance. But of course, she would never have left her father behind. Not then.

Don't be afraid to say less. Building tension in a query (and a novel) is often taking stuff OUT rather than putting stuff in.
Now, locked in a magic closet and chained to a conjured bed, she can only dream of rescue ~~from the madman who torments her with scandalous caresses and cruel promises.~~ The sorcerer ~~who~~ means to make her his bride and condemn her father to a future as a soulless slave. All because she has magic, a throwback ~~heritage~~ from the days when Adaran kings hunted witches.

If anyone other than the duke should discover her powers, they’d burn her alive in front of cheering spectators. The duke, however, doesn’t plan to give her up. No, he wants to use her. More to the point, he wants – needs – a womb that can pass on magic to another generation. And her womb is uniquely suited to the task. Their shared heritage can grant Duke Sinclair immortality, for he plans to leech into the bodies of their offspring and be reborn again and again, always inhabiting nubile child-flesh.

Grabbing her one opportunity for escape, Marine rushes out of Adara and toward Atlantis, the pagan City of Magic. There she intends to become more powerful than Duke Sinclair so she can kill the sorcerer, thus ending his reign of secret blood-magic and freeing witch-blooded Adarans from his control. But mostly, so she can save her father.

Do you see the difference here? This is what I'm endlessly yammering about when I say "pare away everything you don't need." You don't need any of the stuff I struck out; your query is tighter and the level of tension ratchets up.

One of the biggest problems in novels I see is over-explaining. You don't need to explain everything. In fact, it's better if you don't. Let the reader gradually discover the background of the main characters.

And here in a query, less is often more because your goal here is to entice me to read on. STOP when you have enough to do that.

Cutting all the extra verbiage has an added benefit: it drops the word count from 332 to 169. There's a reason good queries should be 250 words or fewer: it forces you to focus on what's important, remove all the extra words, and stop when you've said enough.

If your query is longer than 250 words you have NOT accomplished those things.

THE DESMONA CHILD is a standalone 70,000-word YA fantasy. The sequel, THE DESMONA BRIDE, chronicles the fall of Atlantis and the crucial role Marine plays in its destruction.

This is a pretty good query at this point, but now you need to make sure your novel shows the same polish. Are you over explaining there? Did you front-load the novel with a bunch of backstory and set up? One way to find out is to look at where the novel starts. Does it start with Marine dancing with the Duke? If it does not, you might want to think about changing that.

Also, "Marine" as the name of a character in a book about Atlantis is a bit precious.

-----------------
Dear Query Shark,

Marine Desmona is shocked ~~when an heir to the Adaran throne asks for her hand in marriage. Intent on understanding why~~ the powerful Duke Sinclair is interested in unimportant her, Marine ~~snoops out answers and~~ uncovers a dangerous Desmona family secret. ~~When she develops strange new abilities, a more immediate problem arises: in Adara, the use of magic is outlawed and she could be burned alive if her new powers are discovered.~~

The Desmona family’s heritage isn’t a secret to the Duke; he knows Marine’s ~~witch-blood is manifesting. After generations of non-magic offspring, she~~ is the legacy of two powerful bloodlines. Duke Sinclair plies Marine with seductive promises of unimaginable power, but she refuses him. S~~inclair murders Marine’s mother with his own well-honed magic and threatens to kill her father if she doesn’t submit to his demands.~~

Marine flees her home hoping to learn how to master her gifts and free her father. The distant island of Atlantis, where magic-users are honored and revered, is the only place she can hide while Duke Sinclair is on his quest for everlasting life. Marine is hard-pressed to conceal her magic and evade the interest of everyone she encounters on the way to Atlantis, her fate depending on whether she can outrun the duke… and her own unpredictable magic.

THE DESMONA CHILD is my 104,000 word stand-alone fantasy novel. ~~A sequel, THE DESMONA BRIDE, is currently in the works.~~

You're getting all caught up in details here. We don't need details. We need broad brush strokes of the plot, and MORE than that we need a reason to care about what happens. Right now Marine is pretty one dimensional.

This is much better than the initial version.

Start over and use the chopping I did here to guide you on what to leave OUT of the revisions.

----------------
Dear Query Shark,

I am looking for an agent that likes fantasy/mythology with a twist. My debut novel, THE DESMONA CHILD, is a 106,000 word work of YA/Fantasy that leads up to the fall of Atlantis.

Don't start a query with what kind of agent you're looking for. It's absolutely understood, and therefore does not need to be said, you're looking for an agent who likes your work. Don't waste time telling me what I already know.

The ladies room is hardly where Marine Desmona expected a proposal. She had danced, giggled and enjoyed the night right up until a mysterious Duke cornered her and vowed everlasting love.

You don't complete the thought here. The Duke is the one who proposed in the ladies loo? (charming)

And you'll need to explain why he's in the loo to propose.

In the tumultuous weeks following that event Marine is conflicted, but never more so than when she learns that she is the key to bringing magic back to the kingdom of Adara - and that having witch-blood makes her appealing to the Duke because he wants to create a progeny of untold magical power. Such a child could have god-like dominion over life and death.

"create a progeny" is a very stilted way of saying what you mean here. And why is Marine (egad, what a name) conflicted? What's inherently wrong with what the Duke wants? Who wouldn't want what he wants?

A long journey to escape the Duke leads Marine to the literal doorstep of a fabled haven, the legendary Atlantis, where she hopes to disappear…

Ok, well, I don't get this at all. Atlantis is legendary because it's in legends, not because it was famous when it existed. I think you're confusing the two meanings of legendary. Also, why does Marine think she'll disappear in Atlantis? That's akin to saying you're on the Titanic cause you want to hang out in the North Atlantic in a lifeboat; how would you know?

Also if this thing with Atlantis is at the END of the book, it really has no place in the query. A query should entice me to read on with the events that happen at the START of the book.

You'll be better off starting over with the the name of the main character, what choice she has to make, and what the dire consequences are for each.

I am querying widely, but will grant exclusivity if you are interested in seeing more of my work.

NO NO NO NO NO NO.

Do not ever OFFER exclusivity.

It's bad enough some agents ask for it, but do not ever OFFER first in a query letter.

Exclusivity is almost never in your best interest. Don't give up any advantage you get by querying widely.

This query doesn't fail cause of form, although that needs work.

It fails because there's not enough about the main characters to have me connect with them and be enticed to read more. There are 122 words in the paragraphs about the book. You've got room for 100 more easily.

There's a lot to be said for short and sweet, but this is too short to do the job.

Form rejection.

#199-FTW

2011-03-20T09:46:00.000-04:00

~~Dearest Agent;~~Ha!

Dear QueryShark:

Emily Jacobs, a senior at Maryland, is off for the summer. The last thing she remembers is walking through the woods by her parents’ Long Island home. Now she’s in a locked room, wearing strange clothing, with no idea when or how she got there.

A slight quibble: it would be better to say she's a college senior UNLESS the fact she's attending that specific school is important. If it is important, say the whole name of the school: University of Maryland.

Then the heavily disguised voice of some asshole calling himself Harold tells her she’s been kidnapped, although she’ll be treated well and released whether her parents pay or not. Of course she will…of course. Emily hasn’t believed in the tooth fairy for years.

Then again, maybe she’s wrong. Maybe they will release her. Meanwhile, the walls seem solid, but Harold and his friends have given her some CDs and a nice, large mirror. Maybe she can cut her own way out instead.

THE ABDUCTION OF EMILY, a mystery/suspense novel of 84,000 words, is an account of a kidnapping as seen from three points of view: the kidnapper, the kidnapped, and the people left behind.

This last paragraph is the reason I chose this letter for QueryShark. I've never seen the problem of multiple viewpoints addressed quite this elegantly. The main part of the letter is in Emily's viewpoint, and we get a strong sense of her voice and character.

The writer then did NOT try to do the same thing for each of the other viewpoints, and that restraint is a VERY.Good.Thing. Instead, simply saying there are three POV's and whose they are tells me what I need to know.

This should be a template for anyone with multiple POV novels.

~~I have attached…, as requested.~~ Most likely it will be pages IN THE BODY OF THE EMAIL. Make sure you don't attach something unless the agent's very own website says to do so.

Thank you very much for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

Name
Address
Phone numbers
e-mail
~~Favorite Color~~ ha!

This is a very good query letter.

#198

2011-03-13T09:31:00.000-04:00

Dear QueryShark:

~~Preparing to tape the races on the river,~~ 'Mac' McCaskill stumbled on a brutal execution style murder. Even more ominous, the shooter sped off in a police car.

I don't intuitively know what "tape the races on the river" means, so using that as an opening is confusing. It's also not important. That Mac sees a murder is important. Open with the important event. I also have a well-known loathing of starting sentences with clauses rather than the subject, particularly in a query.

~~Fleeing to another state, transplanted westerners~~ Mac and his wife Sharon surrender the video to the authorities for an empty promise of safety.

Again, focus on what's important first. Also, I'm confused about why they would first flee, then surrender the video. Wouldn't they give it to the local law enforcement guys first?

They are subjected to sleazy cops, bureaucratic control freaks, and professional hitters. As private agendas unfold with a vengeance, they are forced to escape and evade as he was taught in SERE school. Striking back with other violent skills learned in the military was entirely his idea.

I don't know what SERE school is. I can intuit that it's some sort of military tactics school from context but acronyms are a risk you can avoid simply by leaving it out.

Using the momentum of the ongoing corruption investigations in Memphis, this novel exploits the lack of a state sponsored witness protection agency.

Aha! Now I see the source of the real problem in this query. You're trying to make a point. Don't. The story has to come first. I'm fundamentally uninterested in"sleazy cops, bureaucratic control freaks, and professional hitters" because they are one-dimensional characters you're using to make a point.

Your characters need to reveal the point you're trying to make. Consider this: Mac turns over video tape of a shooting that involves a police officer. Expecting help from law enforcement, after all he's seen movies about Witness Protection, he's dumbfounded to learn there's no protection available for him. He's on his own. With his wife.

You've made your point without sounding like this is an expose of something. You've got to tell a story well to make your readers care. Otherwise you're writing a treatise and I don't represent those if I can help it.

Currently a Systems Analyst, I planned my first book while a Staff Sergeant in the U. S. Air Force. Part of my training in 'Electronic Intelligence' took place at the SERE school mentioned in the story. After writing my first novel and several short stories, I discovered and joined the (redacted) Writer's Guild. Now on the Board of Directors, I have finished my second novel and am midway through my third.

None of this is a writing credit. You don't need to be in the military to write about it.

Immediately available, "aka; The Dark Side of Wit-Sec" is a fast paced thriller of 50,000 words about the mysterious side of witness protection.

"Immediately available" is expected. You wouldn't query unless the novel was ready to go. You don't have to say this; we expect it.

And what you've described isn't really a thriller. There's no ticking clock. There are no stakes larger than the personal (whether Mac and Mrs. Mac live or die isn't of national importance) and as far as I can tall, there's no antagonist.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

This is a form rejection even though the idea of no state sponsored witness protection is interesting.

#195

2011-02-20T10:56:00.001-05:00

Dear Query Shark:

~~E = MC²,~~ E = mc², the formula of light, is also the formula to happiness. This is what Sarah accidentally discovers under the pressure of heading a growing organic cupcake business.

well, no, it's not the formula of light. C in the equation is the speed of light. ~~E = MC²,~~ E = mc², demonstrates that energy always exhibits mass in whatever form the energy takes. A simple Google search turns that up.

The problem here is that if you want to use this as a metaphor, you have to start with something that isn't just plain wrong. Metaphors are "wrong" but illuminating. Calling an agent a shark for example, does not mean you'd wax enthusiastic about swimming as a necessary skill for reading queries.

You'd do better to leave out "the formula of light" and just say ~~E = MC²,~~ E = mc², is also the formula of happiness. The reason you'd do that instead is that this kind of basic fact error (like getting dates wrong in history) makes me crazy, and worse makes me stop reading.

But holding an answer in your hands is nothing if you don't take action.

So she decides to try out the formula by applying it to organize her life and the business. As she starts to see this in action, she wonders what other things around her had she not noticed before that might also be trying to say something to humankind?

Now you've lost me. These is a generalization. It's also going in the wrong direction. The line above says "is nothing if you don't take action." The logical sequence then is to tell us what action she takes, not veer off into what she sees in action, or wondering about other things.

Sentences in queries should flow in a logical order.

Light is everywhere, all around us day and night. How could we have missed this one humongous clue? This is the manual to life, the simple answer to happiness that we have been wanting forever. And it has been with us all along. All we have to do is apply its formula:

~~E = MC²,~~ E = mc²

Who the hell is "we" There is no "we" in querying, much like there is no crying in baseball. By this I mean, you're slipping disastrously out of third person and into first person here. This kind of slip is a huge red flag in a query.

Remember, while a query has to tell me about the book, it also shows me how well you write.

And worse, you're now out of the realm of specific action entirely, and into some absurd conclusion that sounds like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz. If I hadn't stopped reading before, here is where I really click my ruby slippers and head home.

Her sci-fi daydreams take on a whole, new meaning like this, leading her to find her own dream, that cause for living that she has been longing for. Meanwhile, her best friend and business partner, Tessa, lays comatose in a hospital bed. If only she too could begin to see, really see things under this light.

"like this" requires an example to be logical. No one "lays" in a hospital bed unless they are a poem. It's "lies."

In its current form, Be a Cupcake. Save the World. is a 35,000-word, easy-to-follow guide to happiness that will electrify and empower young adults.

what? WHAT? In its current form? Does it shapeshift? No NO NO! You query only for FINISHED novels. Never ever use that phrase in a query letter.

And this is a novel right? Cause "35,000 word easy-to-follow guide to happiness" and "electrify and empower" are NOT the description of a novel. You'd find that in the self-help section. Making your novel sound like a self-help book is a very very bad thing.

Thank you for your time and consideration of Be a Cupcake. Save the World. for your list!

The only thing I like about this query is the title, and I like that a lot. However, you're punctuating it incorrectly. It's BE A CUPCAKE, SAVE THE WORLD and when you use it in a sentence as I did here, you'll notice there's no period.

This has failed to rise in the convection oven of the slush pile. In fact, you need a new recipe.

The only thing I know about Sarah after reading this query is that she runs a cupcake business. And I don't know anything about what happens in the book. That's absolutely fatal in a query.

Start over. Use the recipe you'll find listed in the QueryShark archives more than once. That's the flour, sugar, baking soda and salt. Make it your own by adding lemon, cinnamon, nutmeg and raisins to taste.

Shark spawn

2011-02-15T08:50:00.000-05:00

BookEnds LLC is running a query critique every week on their blog.
Details here.

# α - Ω

2011-02-04T16:34:00.000-05:00

Dear Agent,

When God created the world, he knew the people He made would eventually get themselves into trouble - and His own son would end up paying the price.

In THE BIBLE, a 775,000-word historical fiction/religious memoir, God is the Creator – He from whom all things flow. His creations are uppity things: some of them turn His name into a curse word, some set up false idols in His place, and some eat food He specifically told them was His. One thing’s for sure, God isn’t letting these ungrateful bastards into Heaven until they're redeemed in His eyes.

That’s where His son comes in. J.C. was created to die for the sins of man and open the gates to Heaven, but nobody asked him first. Thrust into existence with doom hanging over his head, he’s just trying to live his life: hanging with religious rebels The Apostles, doing standup in the temple, mixing it up with moneylenders, chatting up feisty “former” prostitute Mary Magdalene. J.C. knows his buddy is about to turn him in to the authorities on a trumped-up charge, and pretty soon he’s going to end up nailed to a tree – but first he’s going to party.

I am that I am. I am currently working on a sequel, THE BIBLE II: RUSH LIMBAUGH IS STILL A BIG FAT IDIOT. Thanks be to Me for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

The Lord

#193-Revised 3x

2011-01-01T10:22:00.074-05:00

Dear QueryShark:

In 1802, eleven-year-old Jeremy Bleamy is orphaned in London ~~when his father dies and his mother commits suicide.~~ (unless how his parents die is important leave it out, particularly at the query stage. Get to what matters.) Left alone in a city whose dark interior rarely lives up to its supposed standing as the “capital of the civilized world,” he is faced with the options of following his mother over London Bridge or fighting for survival. Jeremy chooses to fight.

this is a false choice. Of course he chooses to fight. If he went over the bridge, there'd be no book. When I talk about choices the protagonist is faced with, I mean choices that are central to the plot. This isn't.

He takes up residence in a corner between two buildings, and he finds a job as a lamp boy—lighting the city’s dark streets for men seeking “entertainment.” The work is profitable, but dangerous, and it is not long before Jeremy makes enemies of the Duke Street Boys, a local gang to whom he refuses to pay “taxes.”

This is all set up. And why does he refuse to pay "taxes?" Surely that's both shortsighted and dangerous? It doesn't demonstrate high moral character if that was what you intended.

During the daytime, Jeremy searches for escape—for anything that can make the task of staying alive more bearable—but what he finds instead are orphan hunters who want to ship him to the textile mills, thieves waiting to rob him of his meager possessions, and a street vendor and his rabid monkey who both have it out for him.

Ok, and? This is a series of events. I don't have any sense of connection to Jeremy. Sure he's a waif in London fighting for survival, but that's a description, not an enticement or a connection.

In time, Jeremy befriends an old man at the post office, another old man who owns a bookstore, and even the Duke Street Boys themselves. But his problems are not at an end, as a war is boiling between the Duke Street Boys and the Mims—a rival gang from across the bridge. As Jeremy becomes the target of the Mims, his friendships, his strength, and even his fearlessness are put to the test.

The problem is we're very removed from Jeremy. There's no sense of connection; of what he's like.

~~BLEAMY’S CORNER is the story of a young boy, orphaned in London in 1802, who in his fight to survive goes beyond the point where most boys and even most men would quit.~~

You don't need a recap of what you just told me.

BLEAMY'S CORNER is a work of YA historical fiction, complete at 72,000-words.

There's no plot here. That's a huge problem.

There's no enticement to read on. That's a form rejection.

Start over. Focus on plot. If you're having trouble figuring out what the plot is, the problem is not the query letter, it's the novel. You'd be surprised how often that happens to writers.

-------------------------------------
Dear QueryShark:

In 1802, eleven-year-old Jeremy Bleamy is orphaned when his father dies and his grieving mother leaps from London Bridge. Left alone in a city whose dark interior rarely lives up to its standing as the “capital of the civilized world,” he is faced with the options of following his mother or fighting for survival. Jeremy chooses to fight.

This feisty and tough little boy (this is telling not showing) uses all his ingenuity and fearlessness (telling not showing) to take on the city, battling street-enemies who prey on his vulnerability (doing what?), orphan hunters who try to enslave him (how/why?), and the Duke Street Boys—a local gang who will not leave him alone. (why?)

This is generalization of the worst kind: telling not showing, and telling nothing specific.

Although Jeremy knows little about city life, and even less about survival, he learns quickly. These lessons in survival sometimes come from the swell of friends Jeremy meets along his journey; many other times, he learns these lessons alone, at great emotional and physical cost.

Same thing here: all talk, no show, nothing enticing.

In time, Jeremy finds a profitable but risky job on the dark streets; in the early hours of the morning, he returns "home" to a corner between two buildings.

Same thing.

BLEAMY’S CORNER is not the story of a hero. It is the story of a young boy who does what almost any young boy would do: fights for his right to survive. BLEAMY’S CORNER is a story of triumph, and throughout all of Jeremy's struggles, he holds onto the one thing no one can take away from him: his ability to smile.

If this is 1802 he's lucky he has any teeth. Again, no specifics.

BLEAMY'S CORNER is a work of YA historical fiction, complete at 72,000-words.

I get no sense of 1802 London, and no sense of the story. The first paragraph is the only one to keep.

Start over. Think of what specific events SHOW what happens, and SHOW character.

Form rejection.

-------------------------
Dear Query Shark:

BLEAMY”S CORNER is a work of historical fiction and complete at 72,000 words.

This gives me pause. I doubt there's a fully furnished world with such a low word count. Historical fiction requires sights, smells, atmosphere: world building. There are no brand name shortcuts in historical fiction.

In 1802, London was the largest city in the world. It was the center of trade, commerce, finance, art, and government for the British Empire that devoured whole counties and continents.

Unless London is the main character of the novel, you're starting at the wrong place. All this may be true, but it's not action. It's not plot. It's not character.

As London wallowed in its glory as the capital of the world, it was ill-prepared to handle the massive increase in population. Inept to handle the needs of such a large city, it was plagued with poverty, and laws were passed that attempted to weed it down. Children and women were hanged for petty theft, same as a man for murder. And if that was not enough, over three quarters of the children born in London died before the age of five. So much for the civilization of the capital of the civilized world.

Again, this isn't plot. It's hyperbole. And it's not very enticing. If you want me to read 72K words set in London, why are you telling me what a terrible place it is?

So it was in London in 1802 a festival of people and excitement, but a cold-hearted and cruel place to live. Where the rich and privileged lived in proximity to the poor and homeless; Where intrigue mingled with despair and hope battled misery; Where acts of sacrifice and heroism were often only found in the pages of Gulliver's Travels and Ivanhoe.

None of this is about your book. It's still hyperbole.

BLEAMY'S CORNER follows the life and wanderings of eleven-year-old Jeromy Bleamy, a mostly-wise, sometimes-precocious, and often-proud child who is full of what he would call unshakeable resolve…and what others would call courageous stubbornness.

How about you just tell me what he is instead of invoking other people. This device does not work in a query letter. I cannot over emphasize that you want straightforward simple sentences that tell me what the book is about.

You're trying to be all fancy schmancy here. It backfires.

I'd have stopped reading at this point.

“The evil of the city seems to unaffect those who have wealth and the cruelty of the world is seldom felt by those who have never fought for a meal. I, for one, will never see the world without its ruthlessness ever again. My eyes are not wide to its splendors.” Jeromy Bleamy. London, March 11, 1803.

Don't quote the book in the query letter. At this point you've told me NOTHING about the plot. You've used up 292 of your 250 words and you've not answered the main question of a query: what is the book about?

Here's where the query should start but you're telling not showing.------->In 1802, Jeromy’s parents were forced to abandon their drought-besieged farm and travel to London. As if such a transition would not be difficult enough on one so young, Jeromy soon loses both his parents. Displaying the sort of resolute ingenuity and fearlessness one seldom finds in children, Jeromy takes on London, becoming a sort of urban Robinson Crusoe, leading the reader through an inspiring, funny, and altogether soaring tale of equal parts misfortune and adventure.

What happens? Specifically. Not "inspiring" not "funny" not "altogether soaring": what happens.

Telling me your novel is an altogether soaring tale is like telling me your kid is good-looking. I'm sure you believe it (I hope you do in fact) but I'm not going to believe you until I've seen the kid myself. In other words: show me, don't tell me.

I have become irrevocably attached to Jeromy and his heroic tale; I know that many readers will feel the same way, and I hope you will give him a glance and find out whether he is able to break your heart and put it back together.

This is a HUGE warning sign in a query. What you think it means is you're passionate about your work. What I think it means is you're the kind of writer who is more likely to take rejection personally, not be able to handle revisions with objectivity and be a total pain in the ass.

There's no reason to put this in a query. It doesn't tell me anything about the book, and what it says about the writer is NOT what you intend to convey.

~~Thank you so much for taking the time to look over this letter. I look forward to hearing your thoughts.~~ Thank you for your time and consideration.

This is a form rejection for the usual: it doesn't tell me what the book is about. There are other problems as well, but if I were tallying reasons I'd rejected queries this week, that would be the category for this one.

#192-FTW

2010-12-31T10:44:00.001-05:00

Dear QueryShark:

One week ago, Claire's cousin Dinah slit her wrists.

Five days ago, Claire found Dinah's diary and discovered why.

Three days ago, Claire stopped crying and came up with a plan.

Two days ago, she ditched her piercings and bleached the black dye from her hair.

Yesterday, knee socks and uniform plaid became a predator's camouflage.

Today, she'll find the boy who broke Dinah.

By tomorrow, he'll wish he was dead.

Premeditated is a 60,000 word contemporary YA novel. Chapters or a synopsis are available on request.

oh hell yes. Send pages, send the entire manuscript NOW.

Here's why this breaks all the rules and still works:

It's got menace in the very rhythm of the writing. It's short and not-sweet. We know who the main characters are because she SHOWED us, not TOLD us.

And by god, there's nothing better than revenge for the New Year.

Yes, this breaks all the rules I've been yapping about, except the one that really counts: it entices me to read on.

Now, how the hell do you know if you've got something that breaks the rules but works? First, you write something that doesn't break ANY of the rules. You write a query that shows, doesn't tell. That's concise, and conveys what the book is about.

In other words, you write to the form of a query letter before you write something that ISN'T to form.

And you pay attention to rhythm. More than anything else stylistically, it's that rhythm of good writing that's toughest to teach and learn. When I'm editing manuscripts, I say the sentences out loud a lot. Hearing them helps me see where there are extra words, or too many beats, or misplaced beats. It's very very slow editing when you are down to moving syllables in sentences, but it's what makes the difference between gorgeous writing and so-so sentences.

#191-revised 3x for the Win

2010-12-11T20:15:00.097-05:00

Dear QueryShark:

Sixteen year old Hope's life went off the rails last year, when a stupid freakin' earthquake took away her awesome mom. Not even a butt-load of pills could numb that pain.

In rehab, she accepts a surprise invitation to spend the summer with her aunt in the Scottish Highlands. When Hope discovers a secret room full of elaborate costumes and a five-hundred year old painting of her mother’s face, she’s sure all the residents of the huge house are bat’s-ass crazy. The truth will test her new sobriety and give her a chance to redeem herself. Her mom isn’t dead. She is trapped in the year 1543. Hope steps into her mother's shoes, and joins the new generation of Viators—time travelers—as they prepare for the longest road trip ever.

The only normal piece of her freak-a-zoid life is the time she spends with local Alex Cameron. But, when Alex appears at Henry VIII’s Hampton Court, Hope realizes she was played. Alex is one of the criminal Timeslippers. Hope’s mom kept them from stealing a book so powerful; (take out the semi colon) its owner can reshape history.

Now, Alex is back to finish the job, and it's up to Hope to stop him. He's also ordered to make sure Hope and her mom never return. Hope swore she would risk anything to rescue her mom, and she’ll be damned if some lying douche is going to get in her way. She'll do whatever it takes, even if it means getting left behind.

A TIME FOR HOPE is my debut Young Adult novel, complete at 91,000 words. Fans of REVOLUTION by Jennifer Donnelly will like this book. I am a member of the Historical Novel Society and the RWA.

Thank you so much for your time.

Well dear readers, I think she's got it.

The voice is very forceful; that appeals to me. I also like that we've got a sense of the stakes and a sense of the choice Hope has to make.

Before you send your queries out, make SURE you have an eagle eyed copy editor look this over. You've got an errant semi-colon in this version, a misplaced comma in another. These aren't the difference between yes and no, but you want to make sure your work is as polished as you can make it.

This works. I'd request pages.

----------------------
Dear Query Shark,

Sixteen year old Hope's life went off the rails last year, when a stupid freakin' earthquake took away her awesome mom. Not even a butt-load of pills could numb that pain.

In rehab, she accepts a surprise invitation to spend the summer with her aunt in the Scottish Highlands. ~~When~~ There she discovers a secret room full of elaborate costumes and a four-hundred year old painting of her mother's face~~, she demands answers~~. ~~But,~~ the truth might be more than her new sobriety can take. Her mom isn't dead. She's trapped ~~in the past--~~in the year 1543.(2) If Hope is strong enough, she can take up the family tradition and begin training with the other new Viators--time travelers--as they prepare for the longest road trip ever.

"strong enough" doesn't tell me much. Is she undergoing GIJane pt routine? Is it emotional strength? What does Hope need to do to get ready? And if this really isn't an important part of the story, don't mention it at the start of a sentence. Just start with She can take up the family tradition

The only bit of normalcy in her life is her budding relationship with local, Alex Cameron. But when Alex appears at Henry VIII's Hampton court, Hope realizes she was played. Alex is one of the criminal Timeslippers, on a mission to steal a book so powerful, its owner can reshape history. She must rescue her mom and keep the book out of the Timeslipper's hands, even if it means Hope will never return.

no comma before Alex Cameron.

"budding relationship" is a phrase I'm confident no teen girl would use to describe herself or how she feels about a boy.

You've also used the second paragraph (2) to ask if Hope is strong enough to become a time traveller. In the third paragraph it sounds like not only is she, she's off at the court of H8. You're wasting time and words setting up a problem that isn't a key part of the book.

Focus on the first choice that Hope has to make. If her first choice is to rescue her mom, I said those weren't very high stakes on the first go round. However, it's clear something went VERY wrong if her mom is stuck in 1543. What does Hope bring to the problem that will solve it?

It's like you don't send someone down into a mine to rescue people without sending a rope and shovels with them. Otherwise you just have more stuck miners. What tools/skill does Hope have that will help her Mom? And if they don't work is she willing to be stuck there in 1543 with her?

A TIME FOR HOPE is my debut Young Adult novel, complete at 91,000 words. ~~Fans of REVOLUTION by Jennifer Donnelly would relate to this work.~~

I can relate to a lot of things I don't like. Vegemite, shark-fin soup, reserves against returns.

Fans of REVOLUTION by Jennifer Donnelly are the audience for this book.
or
Fans of REVOLUTION by Jennifer Donnelly will like this book.

I am a member and district leader of the Historical Novel Society and the RWA.

Thank you so much for your time.

This isn't bad, and I know the comment column is clamoring to read this, but a query letter has to show me that you can write so well and so crisply that I will want to read this book more than once.

This query doesn't do that yet, but it's getting better.

Revise, let it sit for a while, revise again, then resend.

Make SURE the book itself is getting the same kind of polish you're doing here.

--------------

Dear Query Shark,

Sixteen year old Hope’s life went off the rails last year. All because when a stupid freakin' earthquake took away her awesome mom. There wasn't even a body to bury.

Have I yapped enough about rhythm in sentences? Probably not. Say the first version out loud. Then the revised version. Which sounds better?

Word choice is mostly about the right word, but the final polish is always the right word in the right place. "All because" and "when" mean about the same thing in the context of this paragraph, but one is better than the other because of how it sounds. When writers talk about reading their work aloud, this is the kind of thing they are listening for.

She soon discovered that all the pills in the world couldn't numb the pain, ~~though she gave it her best shot.~~

Pare away everything you don't need.

In rehab, she accepts a surprise invitation to spend the summer with her aunt in Scotland, who needs her help on a project. Hope doesn't care if it's shoveling sheep crap as long as it gets her out of facing the mess she left back home.

She goes to Scotland with her aunt is about all you really need to say: we intuit that she'd want to get away, and with her mom dead, a relative would step in. Trust your reader to make the logical connections.

What she learns at her aunt’s old house in the Highlands is ~~weirder than any drug-induced hallucination.~~

RESIST THAT METAPHOR. Metaphor is a powerful tool but you don't need it here. What she learns at her aunt's house is that her mom isn't dead. We get that that is weird. Simplify!

Her mom is not dead. She is trapped in the past, in the year 1543, and Hope is needed to bring her back. She joins the team of new recruits to the society of Viators, time travelelers, as they prepare for the longest road trip ever.

Why is Hope needed to bring her back? That's the key piece of information you're missing here.

Faced with a truth she never imagined and fighting off the old cravings, she treasures the only bit of normalcy in her life. Her budding relationship with a local boy, Alex Cameron. When Alex appears in renaissance England, Hope realizes she's been played. Alex is a member of the criminal Timeslippers. He’s ordered to steal the powerful Libri Atlantius and kill its owner, the young alchemist John Dee. He is also charged with killing anyone who gets in his way. With the book of Atlantis in the Timeslippers possession, they can shape history any way they wish. Now, Hope has to stop the Timeslippers from getting their hands on the book, save Dee, and bring her mother back home. No biggee for a recovering addict.

And here is where you go splat. You don't need all this. You've got a nice set up with rescuing her mom. And your first version had a much cleaner version of this:

The only bit of normalcy in her life is her budding relationship with a local, Alex Cameron. But, when Alex appears at the court of King Henry VIII, Hope realizes she was played. Alex is a member of the criminal "Timeslippers." And he has orders to make certain that Hope and her mother never return.

All you need is one more sentence here telling us about the stakes: keep it very simple though. "A book that allows the reader to reshape history is about to fall into the wrong hands if Hope doesn't confound Alex's nefarious schemes." Or something like that.

A TIME FOR HOPE is my debut Young Adult novel, complete at 91,000 words. Fans of REVOLUTION by Jennifer Donnelly would relate to this work. I am a member, and district leader, of the Historical Novel Society and the FWCA.

Thank you so much for your time.

A TIME FOR HOPE
Genre: Young Adult
91,000 Word count

This is better, but it's not ready yet.

Polish, revise.

------------------------------------------
Dear Query Shark,

Sixteen year old Hope Walton didn't really want to become a time traveler, but apparently it's a family tradition.

Here's the trouble with log lines: they undercut any kind of buildup to a punch line-they destroy tension and suspense. Consider how much more a reveal it is if that log line appears AFTER these next paragraphs.

Her life went off the rails when she learned her mom was killed in a foreign earthquake. All the pills in the world couldn't numb that pain. When her aunt visits her rehab center and asks for help on a project, Hope assumes she means scrapbooking or maybe knitting.

She was wrong.

Now she has the chance to redeem herself. She can rescue her mother, then begin to pull her life back together. All Hope has to do is travel to the year 1543 and bring her mom home. No biggee.

Here's the revised layout:

Sixteen year old Hope Walton's life went off the rails when she learned was told her mom was killed in a foreign earthquake. All the pills in the world couldn't numb that pain. When her aunt visits her rehab center and asks for help on a project, Hope assumes she means scrapbooking or maybe knitting. She was wrong.

Hope Walton doesn't really want to become a time traveler, but apparently it's a family tradition. And her mom isn't dead, just trapped in 1543.

At her aunt's manor in the Scottish Highlands, Hope learns about her strange heritage. She is joined by joins a team of new recruits as they prepare for the longest road trip ever. The only bit of normalcy in her life is her budding relationship with a local, Alex Cameron. But, when Alex appears at the court of King Henry VIII, Hope realizes she was played. Alex is a member of the criminal "Timeslippers." And he has orders to make certain that Hope and her mother never return.

A TIME FOR HOPE is my debut Young Adult novel, complete at 91,000 words. Fans of REVOLUTION by Jennifer Donnelly would relate to this work. I am a member, and district leader, of the Historical Novel Society and the FWCA. I am also under the tutelage of the Young Adult novelist, (redacted).

I'm not sure what under the tutelage means, but leave it out. Your bio is for publication credits and groups you belong to that are relevant. Your teachers, your school, your tutelors--not relevant.

Thank you so much for your time. It is such a precious thing.

A TIME FOR HOPE
Young Adult Category
91,000 word count

Structurally this is an above-average query. However, when I see paragraphs set up with the reveal (or the punch line aka the climax) at the start of the paragraph, it undercuts my confidence in how the book is structured paragraph by paragraph. I see this a lot in otherwise good queries. You need to unfold a story in your query just like you do the book. Set up, then resolve. In other words, don't tell us she's a time traveller before you set up the situation.

And frankly, the idea that someone time travels to the court of Henry 8 is beyond over-used. You've got an opportunity to go anywhere in time, and you choose the one period that has been the subject of more television shows and movies than any other.

And the stakes are pretty pale as well: she has to rescue her mom. Ok, sure, who wouldn't want to rescue their mom, but it doesn't have much pizazz.

This isn't a bad query, but it's getting a form rejection cause it doesn't do the ONE thing a query has to do: entice me to read it.

#190-Revised 5x FOR THE WIN

2010-12-05T08:55:00.085-05:00

Dear QueryShark,

Twenty-three-year old Scott Harris is the most wanted man in Orlando. He’s been tearing apart its wealthiest neighborhoods since turning to a reluctant life of burglary, and is about to get pinched by the city’s best detective, Andre Jones. With one last big score, Scott’s going to get out while the getting’s good. He hits the mansion of Mayor Eugene Stone, and uncovers a lethal secret that will hurt many people, including those he cares deeply about.

The mayor’s top priority isn’t budget proposals or city council meetings. Turns out, he’s using his trusted position as cover, quietly plotting in the shadows. He leads a sleeper cell outraged with what’s happening to their country. The group is ready to change things their way – and ain’t nothing in this world solved without violence.

With the heat cranked up, there’s no way Scott’s going to the cops with what he knows. He begins to use his skills as a thief to set up the mayor and crush his plans. Unfortunately for Scott, there’s bad news creeping up: Jones finds out who he is, and what’s worse – so does Mayor Stone. The mayor sets a deadly trap for the little punk, leading to a brutal showdown between Scott, Detective Jones and the sleeper cell. Outnumbered and out of time, there’s only one chance left for Scott to save his life, and hopefully his freedom – or there’s gonna be a whole lot of killing going on.

INVISIBLE EMPIRE is a novel of suspense, complete at 109,000 words. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

By George I think he's got it!

If you'd asked me to bet cold hard cash money on whether this query would ever work, I'd have laid odds it wouldn't. You proved me wrong. Congratulations.

What I like best here is we have a MUCH clearer sense of voice now. Read the first version. Then read this. You'll see.

Now, apply everything you learned here to the novel before you query. It won't do you a bit of good to have a spiffed up query unless the novel is also spiffy.

But, reward yourself before diving into those revisions, you've earned it.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear QueryShark,

Picking locks, bypassing alarms, cracking safes – for Scott Harris, it’s all just part of the day after turning to a reluctant life of crime. No one would ever guess this ~~seemingly wholesome twenty-three-year old~~ is the person tearing apart Orlando’s wealthiest suburbs. If he were to take an aptitude test, the results would come back: disillusioned and destitute. After boosting jewels and C-notes, life is slowly turning the corner…until he slips up. Now Detective Andre Jones, Orlando’s most talented cop, will do anything to pinch the thief that’s been shaking up the city.

It takes a while sometimes to see where the story starts, but I think it starts here:

With one last big score, Scott’s going to get out while the getting’s good. He breaks into the home of Mayor Eugene Stone, and gets the shock of a lifetime when he finds a deadly secret. The mayor’s top priority isn’t budget proposals or city council meetings. Turns out, he’s using his trusted position as cover, quietly plotting in the shadows. He leads a sleeper cell outraged with what’s happening to their country. The group is ready to change things their way – and ain’t nothing in this world solved without violence.

Scott’s conscious (this is the wrong word. You mean conscience) washes over him like the pounding surf. With so much heat around, there’s no way he’s going to the police. Before the bloodshed begins, he’ll have to depend on his skills as a thief to set up the mayor and crush his plans.

Unfortunately for Scott, there’s bad news creeping up: Detective Jones finds out who he is, and what’s worse – so has the mayor. Outnumbered and out of time, mistakes aren’t an option. He’s got one chance left to save his freedom, and hopefully his life – or there’s gonna be a whole lot of killing going on.

INVISIBLE EMPIRE is a novel of suspense, complete at 110,000 words. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

This is better. Polish it up. Let it sit for a week, and polish it again.

--------
Dear Query Shark,

Scott Harris, a disillusioned twenty-three-year old down on his luck, turns to a reluctant life of burglary and tears apart Orlando’s wealthiest neighborhoods. Now Detective Andre Jones, the city’s most talented cop, is one step behind his every move.

This is good. It's not the most gripping opening, but it's good enough to keep me reading. Agents don't really keep score cards when reading queries. There are a couple things that will get you an instant rejection (fiction novel) but mostly we read till we know whether we want to read the pages.

Scott’s going to make one last big score, then get out while the getting’s good. He breaks into the home of Mayor Eugene Stone, and gets the shock of a lifetime when he ~~moves~~ gets to the cellar and finds a deadly secret.

With a cop hunting him, Scott knows going to the police isn’t an option. Unwilling to stand by, he decides to sabotage Stone’s plan before the bloodshed begins. Detective Jones discovers Scott’s identity - and what’s worse – so has Mayor Stone. Outnumbered…and out of time, Scott must rely on his wits to secure his freedom, and hopefully his life.

INVISIBLE EMPIRE is a novel of suspense, complete at 110,000 words. Thank you for your time and consideration.

This is much much better than the first versions.

The problem is that it's not compelling. It's not enticing. It's flat. You've set up the scene but there's no juice here, no electricity. It doesn't make the cut on "do I want to read this."

Electricty is found in word choice. Go back and look at the archives. Study the ones that were yes on the first version. Really STUDY the word choices.

Revise.

---------------------------
Dear Query Shark,

~~With a cop and a killer gunning for him, Scott is in way over his head. If he plays his cards just right, he could make it out with his freedom - and his life.~~

oh, you guys love those loglines don't you. Other than no response means no, log lines are the worst thing publishing has imported from the film industry. Honestly I think log lines don't serve a writer well. You have an entire page to work with here, don't try to condense it to a single sentence.

This sentence doesn't actually say anything. It uses metaphors that don't apply to anything in the book (cards), introduces a character not in the query (a killer) and tries to set up tension...there's no tension in flabby sentences.

Start with the name of the main character. Describe what he wants and what's keeping him from getting it.

~~INVISIBLE EMPIRE concerns~~ Scott Harris~~, a young man who~~ turns to a reluctant life of burglary. He slips up one night and now has Detective Jones, Orlando’s most talented cop, hunting him like a hawk.

~~The pressure is all too much for Scott to handle, so~~ he’s going to make one last big score, then get out while the getting’s good. He breaks into the home of Mayor Stone, and gets the shock of a lifetime when he moves to the cellar and finds a dangerous secret.

You don't need the first clause. He's got the cops after him; in fact he's got Orlando's most talented cop after him. It's pretty obvious somethings gotta give.

Too scared to go to the police ~~because of his own criminality,~~ but unwilling to stand by, Scott decides to sabotage Stone’s plan before it’s too late; all while dodging the pursuit of Detective Jones. The Mayor eventually finds out who Scott is, and has every intention of putting an end to the little punk for good, leading to the lives of all three men colliding in a brutal showdown.

I'm not sure criminality is actually word. Even if it is, it's not a good one here. He's scared to go to the police cause the police are after him. That seems obvious. You don't need to state the obvious.

The rest of this paragraph has all the rhythm of an elephant dancing the hokey-pokey. Polish it up.

INVISIBLE EMPIRE is a novel of suspense, complete at 110,000 words. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

This is much better than the previous iterations.

You've got the right details in the right place.

Now go back and make sure every single word is right, and the sentences are honed.

This is where you start reading every sentence out loud to see if they sound right.

It takes a while to get it right at this stage. It's like moving day when you've got all the furniture on the truck, then realize all the little stuff still has to be dealt with. That stuff takes just as much time, if not more, than heaving the couch down four flights of stairs.

--------------------
Dear Query Shark,

With a cop and a killer gunning for him, Scott is in way over his head(stop)~~, but if~~ If he plays his cards just right, he could make it out ~~with his freedom, and his life.~~

You really should start here----->~~INVISIBLE EMPIRE concerns Scott Harris, a young teacher~~ ~~who becomes unemployed after~~ an excruciating motocross injury leaves ~~him~~ Scott bedridden, impelling his father to take on three jobs to pay the medical bills. ~~Recovery is slow for Scott after surgery, and pain prevents him from working beyond a few hours at a minimum wage job.~~

Impelling is an adjective. Impel is a verb. Impelling personality. Something impels him to take on three jobs.

~~Knowing his father toils all day breaks his heart, and~~ ~~Scott struggles to find a solution to help him.~~ When he overhears his father being threatened with physical harm if a hefty loan isn’t paid back immediately, Scott decides he can’t watch his father suffer any longer, and believes there is only one option left. He will have to become the type of person he despises, and turns to a reluctant life of burglary.

Here's where you lose me. I simply don't buy that a man turns from teaching to burglary. You'd do better to leave out all this set up and simply start with Scott as a burglar.

Scott hits some houses, but also makes a few mistakes. Before long Detective Jones, Orlando’s best investigator, is in hot pursuit. Scott’s pushed his tormented body to the limit while burglarizing, and he begins to take more than his prescribed dosage of OxyContin. This brings forth hallucinations of a demon stalking him, taunting him to abuse the painkiller, and he begins to wonder if his everyday experiences are reality or some type of purgatory. It’s all too much for Scott to handle, so he’s going to make one last big score, then get out while the getting’s good.

Focus on the main plot of the book. Your query is 400+ words right now. Pare it down by focusing only on the events that move the plot forward.

Scott breaks into the home of Mayor Stone, and gets the shock of a lifetime when he finds a deadly secret in the cellar. Stone leads a white supremacist group planning to hunt illegal immigrants and terrorize institutions they deem to be a threat to the white race. Too scared to go to the police because of his own criminality, but unwilling to stand by, Scott decides to clean up his act and try to stop the extremists himself.

~~Scott manages to destroy part of their remote compound deep within the Ocala~~Mayor Stone finds out who Scott is, and has every intention of putting an end to the little punk for good, leading to the lives of all three men colliding in a brutal showdown.

INVISIBLE EMPIRE is a novel of suspense, complete at 110,000 words. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Pare down all the stuff you don't need and then you'll have the bones of the query in place.

The problem with this query though is that I don't see anything compelling. It's all very cliche: white supremacists, lone wolf hero. You can have a structurally sound query (well, you could, once you revise) but the book itself isn't doing much for me here.

If this is your first novel, there's a lot of merit to the advice I hear from established writers: put the first one under the bed, and write the next.

When you do that, try to twist some of the cliches into new forms. Make the white supremacists the good guys. (Now THERE is a challenge!)

-------------------------------------------
Dear Query Shark,

Scott Harris gets the shock of a lifetime while burglarizing the Mayor’s home when he moves to the cellar and finds a tortured prostitute shackled within a catacomb of horrors, and documents entailing a vicious plot to take over the U.S. government.

And here's where I stop reading. I don't buy the premise of the novel. You get ONE item from the menu: either a tortured prostitute, OR a catacomb of horrors, OR documents entailing a vicious plot to take over the U.S. government but not all three.

INVISIBLE EMPIRE is a psychological thriller concerning Scott, a twenty-four-year old who crashes his motorcycle and becomes injured with a rare and brutal nerve condition. Chronic pain leads him to rely heavily on oxycontin which distorts his mind, bringing forth hallucinations of a demon stalking him, taunting him to abuse the painkiller. He wonders if his every day experiences are reality or some type of purgatory. He becomes bedridden and loses everything, including his girlfriend and job as a fourth grade teacher, impelling his father to take on three jobs to pay his bills.

This is all backstory, and has nothing to do with what you have in the first paragraph.

Scott receives surgery, but recovery is slow, inhibiting him from gaining employment. A massive wave of guilt washes over him knowing his father toils all day. He struggles with how to make money to help his father, and through an oxycontin haze, realizes he will have to become the type of person he despises. Scott develops the skills of a professional thief, and breaks into upscale homes of those who have procured their riches through unlawful ways.

"procured their riches through unlawful ways?" He only robs the home of people most likely to have heavily armed guards and the inclination to kill him if they discover him. That doesn't make sense either. Wouldn't you want to rob the people who don't have alarm systems?

My point is here is that you're making up stuff that defies credulity. Thrillers have to start from a point where the reader thinks "yes, that could happen."

As a result, Scott now has Orlando’s most dogged investigator, Detective Stone, hunting him like a voracious hawk coming in for the kill. This leads to an exhilarating game of wits as Scott continues to steal, barely escaping the relentless pursuit of Stone.

None of this has anything to do with what you said in the first paragraph. Added to the list of things I don't believe: a game of wits with an Oxycontin addict.

Scott meets a young woman and falls in love and begins to question his motivations. He convinces himself to hit one more house for a big score and breaks into the home of Eugene Miller, the Mayor of Orlando. He learns Miller is the leader of a vicious supremacist group bent on overthrowing the U.S. government in a violent uprising, but is discouraged from going to the authorities when he ascertains a few members are local police officers. Scott decides he is the only person that can sabotage their plans and sets out to stop them while simultaneously struggling to elude Stone. Miller discovers Scott’s identity and goes after him with extreme prejudice, leading to a thrilling showdown between all three men.

Finally, some linkage.

But, you forgot the tortured prostitute and the catacomb of horrors. You mention that in the first paragraph, then never again.

Added to the list of things defying credulity: the protagonist deciding he's the only guy to thwart a violent uprising by white supremacists. Honest to godiva, the guy sounds like a nut job at this point.

INVISIBLE EMPIRE blends fast-paced plotting, heart-stopping action and suspense, unpredictable violence and dark humor. It will appeal to the same audience that has made bestsellers of works by Richard Matheson, Cormac McCarthy and Stephen King.

If nothing else, please please please don't compare your books to Stephen King and Cormac McCarthy yourself. Let someone else do it.

And when you tell me your book has fast-paced plotting, heart-stopping action etc, I simply don't believe you. Show me you can write that way in your query, don't tell me.

I obtained my B.S. in Film/Video from (redacted.) I currently teach writing at a public school in (redacted) I have worked in Hollywood on several film projects and hope one day to direct a major motion picture based on my manuscript.

This is NOT a selling point for an author. I want to sign clients who intend to write their fingers to the bone for many many bestselling novels and make me rich and reclusive. Telling me you have another career goal makes it easy to say "not for me." And yes, that's even if I'd liked/loved the book. There are more good books out there than I have slots on my list.

The 127,000 word manuscript is completed and ready to be sent at your request. Thank you for taking the time to consider my work.

Sincerely,

This is a form rejection.

#189-revised

2010-11-28T09:12:00.047-05:00

Dear QueryShark:

Finally, the answer to the burning question of the ages: just how did the seven Gilligan’s Island castaways end up on the Minnow together anyway? Why would a millionaire couple be taking a three-hour tour on such a boat in the first place, let alone with a farm girl, a professor, and a movie star?

The commercial fiction IF NOT FOR THE COURAGE answers these questions and more.

IF NOT FOR THE COURAGE adheres strictly to the legal definition of parody, and thus uses derivative characters under the fair use doctrine. Nevertheless, parodying our beloved seven stranded castaways might very possibly cause a stir. Are you afraid of a bit of controversy? If not, then read on…

And here's where I stop reading. It's clear you don't understand how this works. This isn't controversial. There's NOTHING controversial here. What you've got here is a novel based on characters created by someone else, using their names, and their situation. If you think it's parody and protected by fair use go ahead and publish it yourself.

What you're asking in a query letter is if I will represent it for sale to a publisher. And the people who decide whether it's parody and fair use is NOT the author. It's the legal department at BigBucksPublishing. And those guys are paid a lot of money to keep their employer out of court.

This won't pass muster with them. I absolutely guarantee this. The reason is that even IF this is fair use, the creators of the television show can sue you for infringement. It doesn't matter if you are right: court costs will kill you.

Your opinion doesn't matter here.

The body of Ginger Grant’s Hollywood agent, Charles Schwartz, washes up on Sand Island in Honolulu. Detectives Steve McDonald and Danny Wilson are on the case. Their investigation quickly focuses on the seven future castaways, who all have a motive to knock off Schwartz.

Movie star Ginger Grant, B-movie actress who tried sleeping her way to the top, and who is having an affair with Thurston Howell III. Did she kill her agent because he couldn’t get her A-movie roles?

Jonas Grumby, aka Skipper, and brain damaged simpleton Gilligan, gay lovers who were the last to see Schwartz alive. Schwartz was responsible for Gilligan’s head injury. Perhaps they wanted revenge?

Mrs. Howell, socialite and Nazi collaborator with her Uncle Franz Müller, pursuing the secret island Santou reputed to have guano with miraculous healing powers. Perhaps they wanted Schwartz dead for being a member of the Jewish family who runs the department store that’s the chief rival to Howell’s?

Or maybe Mr. Howell killed Schwartz to end the blackmail resulting from pictures taken of him and Grumby in a compromising encounter years before, during Howell’s “wild oats” phase?

Or perhaps Schwartz was murdered for keeping Santou a secret during World War II. So secret the Japanese and the Germans both coveted it. And it’s still secret in 1964, when our story takes place… Even though the Howells own it… And exiled Nazis from South America still want it…

McDonald and Wilson eventually finger Professor Roy Hinkley. Hinkley’s anger gets the better of his superior intellect, as he holds a grudge against Schwartz for years for depriving him of sufficient quantities of the magical guano for his scientific tests.

And then there’s the Howells’ son Thirsty, who wants his father out of the way so that he can take over the Howell oil business. He hopes Ginger can talk some sense into his father, but then Uncle Franz comes up with a better plan: maroon the elder Howell on Santou Island.

Thirsty recruits his college girlfriend Mary Ann Summers, a huge Ginger Grant fan, to talk Ginger and his father into a secret trip to an exclusive resort. Captained by Skipper Grumby and his first mate Gilligan, of course. But the conspirators’ carefully laid plans go awry when Mrs. Howell gets wind of her husband’s infidelities and joins the voyage… then Hinkley is convinced he’ll finally be able to collect his coveted guano, so he comes along… and Mary Ann doesn’t want to be left out, so she jumps on board as well…

This parallel novel is complete at 56,000 words. For more information on the novel, please see its Web page at (redacted)

I have written hundreds of nonfiction articles, white papers, and other pieces over the last twenty years, and I coauthored the books (redacted) IF NOT FOR THE COURAGE is my first novel.

I am sending you this query because buzz sells books, and Query Shark is the first step to building buzz.

This is utter horseshit. Who do you think reads this blog? Writers looking for query help. This is the last place you'll find buzz being built.

I’m attaching the prologue and first chapter. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Don't ever attach anything unless the agent website specifically says "attach". Paste all the requested items into the body of the email. This is a no-exceptions rule.

Form rejection.

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Dear QueryShark:

Finally, the answer to the burning question of the ages: just how did the seven Gilligan’s Island castaways end up on the Minnow together anyway? Why would a millionaire couple be taking a three-hour tour on such a boat in the first place, let alone with a farm girl, a professor, and a movie star?

And here's where I stop reading. The characters from Gilligan Island, indeed the characters in every television show are covered by copyright. You can't just use them in a book cause you want to. You need permission from the copyright owner. In the case of Gilligan's Island it's Turner Broadcasting.

Those departments have forms to fill out and among the questions they ask is Who is going to publish the book; How many copies will be printed; Where will the books be sold and so forth.

Without a publishing contract you don't know the answer to any of those questions.

However, a publisher or agent knows full well you need those permissions. To take this book on means you'd risk all the work being for nothing if permissions are denied OR they are too expensive (yes, copyright holders charge you money to use their stuff--and YOU pay it, NOT the publisher.)

So, if you have already secured permission to use the characters in your book, and you might have, that's the information you start with. If you haven't you're going to be hard pressed to find anyone who's going to keep reading.

The commercial fiction IF NOT FOR THE COURAGE answers these questions and more.

The body of Ginger Grant’s Hollywood agent, Charles Schwartz, washes up on Sand Island in Honolulu. Steve McGarrett and Dan “Danno” Williams are on the case. Their investigation quickly focuses on the seven future castaways.

Egad. Hawaii Five-O is a CURRENT television show. It's one thing to get clearance for an old show. There's no way a television company is going to let you use characters from a current show. They've simply got too much money at stake. They get no benefit from letting you do it, and run the risk of you damaging their (intellectual) property.

Movie star Ginger Grant, B-movie actress who tried sleeping her way to the top, and who is having an affair with Thurston Howell III. Did she kill her agent because he couldn’t get her A-movie roles?

Jonas Grumby, aka Skipper, and brain damaged simpleton Gilligan, gay lovers who were the last to see Schwartz alive. Schwartz was responsible for Gilligan’s head injury. Perhaps they wanted revenge?

Mrs. Howell, socialite and Nazi collaborator with her Uncle Franz, pursuing the secret island Santou reputed to have guano with miraculous healing powers. Perhaps they wanted Schwartz dead for being a member of the Jewish family who runs the department store that’s the chief rival to Howell’s?

Or maybe Mr. Howell killed Schwartz to end the blackmail resulting from pictures taken of him and Grumby in a compromising encounter years before?

I thought Mr. Howell was having an affair with Ginger?

Perhaps it was Professor Roy Hinkley, who blames Schwartz for depriving him of sufficient quantities of the magical guano for his scientific tests?

What about the Howells’ son Thirsty, who wants his father out of the way so that he can take over the Howell oil business?

Or perhaps Schwartz was murdered for keeping Santou a secret during World War II. So secret the Japanese and the Germans both coveted it. And it’s still secret in 1964, when our story takes place… Even though the Howells now own it… And exiled Nazis from South America still want it….

This parallel novel is complete at 56,000 words. While the characters are derivative, the story is entirely original. For more information on the novel, please see its Web page (redacted)

I have written hundreds of nonfiction articles, white papers, and other pieces over the last twenty years, and I coauthored the books (redacted)(Hayden Books, 1996), (redacted) (SAMS Publishing, 2002), and (redacted) (John Wiley & Sons, 2006). IF NOT FOR THE COURAGE is my first novel.

I am sending this query to you because IF NOT FOR THE COURAGE lacks a single protagonist, and thus isn't amenable to the standard query letter template. So, if I can get your attention with this query I know I'm on the right track.

The form isn't the problem here. It's the entire novel.

And you haven't answered the question you started with: how did the characters get on the boat. This is all set up and possible motivation for killing the agent (as if anyone needs motivation to kill an agent.)

Even forgetting the clearance problem, you still need an emotionally satisfying ending to the story and it's not "they get stranded on a desert island for seven years." In other words, you have to solve the crime.

That means that whoever gets killed is the natural focus of the query: lots of people have motive to kill Charles Schwartz is probably a better way to start the query, and then focus on the relationship each of the castaways has with the agent, and their motive to kill him.

And who solves the crime? If the castaways solve it in unison, you can simply refer to them in the collective sense. Otherwise, the character who solves the crime is the prime candidate for protagonist.

I’m attaching the prologue and first chapter. ~~I’m looking forward to your response!~~ Thank you for your time and consideration

I'm pretty sure you're not looking forward to this response, but your optimism is rather sweet.

Sincerely,

#188 - Revised

2010-11-21T09:38:00.002-05:00

Dear Query Shark,

Seventeen year old faery Penelope Hue is stuck between two worlds. She lives in a faery Colony settled outside a human town. The Council that rules her Colony hasn’t let anyone into the Queen’s realm in years. No one knows why. So she breaks the rules, disguises herself as a human, and sneaks into the town nearby. She finds comfort, a home almost, in their ways.

What's the Queen's realm? You don't have character soup here, you have location soup, a new item on the menu of "Things To Avoid in a Query!"

Is the Queen's realm the same thing as the human town? That doesn't make much sense to me.

After a Demon ~~once thought banished (the breed that took her father) returns and~~ attacks both humans and faeries ~~alike,~~ she discovers how good a Demon killer she is. She can fight the Demons and their King alongside a Council she hates. Or she can blend into the life she’s always wanted: a human one.

What is the Demon trying to do? Why does she hate the Council? What does she like about the human life (my guess is scotch and Jack Reacher novels but that's just me.)

THE WINGED LIFE is an X-Men meets Tinker Bell, YA Urban Fantasy complete at 62k words. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Normally I'm bellowing queries are too long. This one is too short --140 words. You can add at LEAST another 100 words before you have to think about stopping, and you could double the word count and still be ok.

Lean and mean is good, but you're skeletal, not lean.

Here, have a cookie. Bulk up.

----------------------
Dear Query Shark,

Seventeen-year-old faery, Penelope Hue, has ignored the rules all her life. She disguises herself as a human and sneaks into their town. It must be done carefully. Quietly. The last faery ~~that~~ who exposed herself to a human was put to death. And that would suck.

And that would suck is a funny light-hearted line. Put to death isn't. The contrast between the two leaves me wondering what the tone of the book is.

She meets a human boy. He’s just as rebellious and misunderstood as Penelope is and the emotional experience brings her fae gifts out. All faeries receive a gift when they come of age. As her gifts develop, she learns how to blend in with her surroundings. She can change the color of her skin, wings and clothes. She learns to help others hide themselves as well. Her gift could be used to protect the Colony, the Queen and her World.

Well, I didn't realize the Colony, the Queen, and her world were in danger. You start out talking about a human boy but he disappears after the second sentence. Then it's a lot of description of what she can do. Given that I can change the color of my clothes I'm not sure you want to list that as something magical.

And, making a list of the things she can do isn't what I need to know. You've already told me she's magic. I assume she can do all sorts of cool stuff. The question is: what does she WANT and what's keeping her from it.

This second paragraph doesn't entice me to read on because I don't have a sense of what's at stake other than what seems increasingly irrational: if Penelope is discovered hanging out with the humanoids, her ilk are going to be pissed off as hell.

Problem. The Colony’s Council has kept the fae from the Queen and her World for years and no one knows why. Penelope hates the way the Council rules the Colony. After a breed of demon once thought banished returns and attacks both humans and faeries alike, Penelope questions her allegiance. She doesn't know where she belongs.

Now we have a demon and a Colony Council in the mix. Where's the boy? What does Penelope hate about the way the Council rules the Colony? Why would she question it? How would she know there's any other way?

You're getting lost in plot points and character soup here, a veritable expo of exposition. Simplify. Focus!

Penelope must choose between her Colony and the human world she’s grown to love. She can stay, fight the demons and their King alongside a Council she hates. Or she can use her gifts to blend into the life she’s always wanted. A human one.

Why wouldn't she stay in the human world? At least they aren't going to kill her for hanging out with them.

THE WINGED LIFE is an X-Men meets Tinker Bell, YA Urban Fantasy complete at 62k words. Thank you for your time and consideration.

X-Men meets Tinker Bell is pretty hilarious but I don't have a sense of the story here. Simplify.

Here's a description for a another book in this category, Wicked Lovely by Melissa Marr.

Keenan is the Summer King who has sought his queen for nine centuries. Without her, summer itself will perish. He is determined that Aislinn will become the Summer Queen at any cost—regardless of her plans or desires.

Suddenly none of the rules that have kept Aislinn safe are working anymore, and everything is on the line: her freedom; her best friend, Seth; her life; everything.

I'm not suggesting you copy this of course, but you can see that it's very very simple. It gives us a sense of what's at stake and what the main character's problem is. If you look at the description on Amazon, there's more there about the rules about fairies, but this is the heart of the plot.

Right now this is a form rejection. Start over.

#187-comments only

2010-11-14T07:46:00.130-05:00

This entry was removed at the author's request. (That's always an option for participants here at QS--this is an all volunteer chomping)

There was a reference to a query template though in one of my comments, so I've pasted that here:

I'd scrap this entire query and start over with the query template I've described in several other places, but bears repeating:

What does the protagonist want?

What's keeping him from getting it?

What choice/decision does he face?

What terrible thing will happen if he chooses A; what terrible thing will happen if he doesn't.

Here's another form of the same thing:

The main character must decide whether to ________. If s/he decides to do (this), the consequences/outcome/peril s/he faces are______. If s/he decides NOT to do this: the consequences/outcome/peril s/he faces are________.

Obviously you don't just fill in the blanks, or just answer the questions. You use this template to get the important information in the right order. You build on to this skeleton. But, you start here, and work up.

#186-Revised 4x

2010-11-07T08:12:00.058-05:00

Dear QueryShark:

Politicians, prostitutes, and cops have one thing in common: they need to remain emotionally detached to work their trade. Chief Detective Michael Joseph is losing that detachment, and he knows that's dangerous.

Public outrage over the death of a 13-year-old girl shoves him into the spotlight as one of the best investigators in the country. He uncovers the girl's secret life, as a prostitute, and finds the public attitude changes quickly. When all clues point towards the largest television ministry on the East Coast the change becomes dramatic. The fear of what secrets might be uncovered within the flock spurs religious leaders and several high-ranking politicians to obstruct his investigation.

Through the course of his investigation, Joseph befriends a 16 year old who calls herself Dizzy Lizzy, a young runaway selling herself in order to provide for the social misfits that inhabit her world. Amid accusations that he is losing his objectivity, he becomes a pariah amongst his fellow officers while Lizzy becomes suspect on the street for her cooperation with the enemy: the police.

Lizzy and Joseph come to rely on each other for moral support until the night she is assaulted and disappears. Joseph charges headlong into a clumsy campaign to "rescue" other girls who might also be in danger. He quickly realizes that some people don't want to be "rescued" and that he must change his attitude--and perception of people--if he is going to affect some change in their lives. His search for Lizzy and others, like her, pushes him to become that better man.

Rescue should not be in quotes since that's exactly what he's trying to do.

"What Little Girls Are Made Of" is 90,000 words, my first novel~~, and based on real incidents I observed working with several police agencies.~~

Thank you ahead of time for your consideration or any comments.

I debated about whether to post this because I think you're flailing here. Time to get out of the water, dry yourself off, have a martini and think about diving in again when you've had time to get some perspective.

Focus on the formula I've mentioned before: What does the main character want? What's keeping him from getting it?

You're still making some fundamental mistakes (like mentioning this is based on events you've seen). And we're back to the first title? Does that make it 0-5 or does it only count as one strike if you use the same one again.

You might consider junking the entire query and starting again. It's sometimes better to start fresh instead of trying to fix what's not working.

Let this sit for a while. Rethink what you're trying to tell me about.

-----------------------
Dear QueryShark:

~~It is sometimes said~~ soldiers, prostitutes, and cops have one thing in common: they need to remain emotionally detached to work their trade. Chief Detective Michael Joseph is losing that detachment, ~~and he knows that's dangerous.~~

Public outrage over the death of a 13-year-old girl shoves him into the spotlight as one of the best investigators in the country. When he uncovers the girl's secret life, a prostitute catering to pedophiles through the internet, he finds the public attitude changes quickly. When all clues point towards the largest television ministry on the East Coast the change becomes dramatic. The fear of what secrets might be uncovered within the flock spurs religious leaders and several high-ranking politicians to obstruct his investigation.

Through his high profile investigation of the death of a 13-year-old girl, Joseph befriends a 16 year old who calls herself Dizzy Lizzy, a young runaway who sells herself in order to provide for the social misfits that inhabit her world. Amid accusations that he is losing his objectivity, he becomes a pariah amongst his fellow officers while Lizzy becomes suspect on the street for her cooperation with the enemy: the police.

What we're missing here is what he does that makes people think he's losing his objectivity. If you're using that as the hinge for the plot, you need to be very very specific about what he does and why it's dangerous.

Lizzy and Joseph come to rely on each other for moral support until the night she is assaulted and disappears. Joseph leaps headlong into a clumsy campaign to protect other girls who might be in danger until he stumbles into the one field that might actually help others before the police arrive: social worker.

I don't understand what is happening here. What does until he stumbles into the one field that might actually help others before the police arrive: social worker. mean?

"Angel With The Barb Wire Tattoo" is 90,000 words, my first novel, ~~and based on real incidents I observed working with several police agencies as a computer technician.~~

Oh good, we're 0-4 on the title. I'd hate to actually like one. This is too evocative of the Stieg Larrson books.

Thank you ahead of time for your consideration or any comments.

If Joseph is getting too involved with Lizzy, focus on that for the query. Leave out all the other stuff. I think it's a mistake to do that, because I don't think the personal dynamics of a cop are enough to carry a novel, but that's your choice as the author to make.

-----------------------------------------------------
Dear QueryShark:

It is sometimes said soldiers, prostitutes, and cops have one thing in common: they need to remain emotionally detached to ply their craft. Chief Detective Michael Joseph is losing that detachment, and he know that's dangerous.

"ply their craft" makes them sound like they bake cookies or weave straw hats. "Do their job" is both more accurate and sounds (literally) better.

Public outrage over the death of a 13-year-old girl shoves him into the spotlight as one of the best investigators in the country. When he uncovers the girl's secret life--a prostitute catering to pedophiles through the internet--he finds the public attitude changes quickly. When all clues point towards the largest television ministry on the East Coast the change becomes dramatic. The fear of what secrets might be uncovered within the flock spurs religious leaders and several high-ranking politicians to obstruct his investigation.

Through his investigation, Joseph befriends a 16 year old who calls herself Dizzy Lizzy, a young runaway who sells herself in order to provide for the social misfits that inhabit her world. Amid accusations that he is losing his objectivity, he becomes a pariah amongst his fellow officers. Lizzy becomes suspect on the street for her cooperation with the enemy.

Ostracized from their clans Lizzy and Joseph come to rely on each other for moral support. He begins a campaign to protect other girls who might be in danger... but the one girl Joseph cannot protect is Lizzy, and it threatens to break him.

Who killed the 13-year old girl, the girl that got the plot going? Does Joseph find the culprit? Is finding the culprit the climax of the book, OR is it the fact he can't find the culprit what leads him to begin a campaign to protect other girls who might be in danger? And how does he know which girls are in danger? And if he can't find the culprit, what's the climax of the book?

And why can't he protect Lizzy? Does she resist what he's offering?

"Who'll Love Dizzy Lizzy" is 90,000 words and is my first novel.

I thought the titles couldn't get worse. I was wrong.

----------------------------------------
Dear Query Shark:

It is sometimes said ~~that~~ soldiers, prostitutes, and cops have one thing in common: they ~~all~~ need to remain emotionally detached to ply their craft. Chief Detective Michael Joseph is losing that detachment, and he know that's dangerous.

Public outrage over the death of a 13-year-old girl shoves him into the spotlight as one of the best investigators in the country. ~~But~~ when he uncovers the girl's secret life--a prostitute catering to pedophiles through the internet--he finds the public attitude changes quickly. When all clues point towards the largest television ministry on the East Coast the change becomes dramatic. The fear of what secrets might be uncovered within the flock spurs religious leaders and several high-ranking politicians to obstruct his investigation.

Through his investigation, Joseph befriends a 16 year old who calls herself Dizzy Lizzy, a young runaway who sells herself in order to provide for the social misfits that inhabit her world. Amid accusations that he is losing his objectivity, he becomes a pariah amongst his fellow officers.

Ostracized from their clans Lizzy and Joseph come to depend on each other for support. He begins a campaign to protect other girls who might be in danger... but the one girl Joseph cannot protect is Lizzy, and it threatens to break him.

So why is Lizzy ostracized? You'd think if she was paying the bills she'd be pretty much secure in her merry band of misfits.

"Requiem For Dizzy Lizzy" is 90,000 words and is my first novel.

The problem here is you're focusing on the two protagonists. That leads me to think Joseph's dependence on Lizzy is the main plot of the book. If the crime is the focus of the book, you need more about that.

The problem with Joseph and Lizzy's relationship being the focus of the query is you don't have enough time to overcome the ick factor.

You'll need the length of the novel to do that, where I hope we can come to see Joseph as a sympathetic and flawed protagonist.

And we're 0 for 3 on the title. Maybe the comment column can generate some ideas on that.

---------------
Dear QueryShark,

It is sometimes said that soldiers, prostitutes, and cops have one thing in common: they all they need to remain emotionally detached to do their job. Chief Detective Michael Joseph is losing that detachment, and it terrifies him.

This is much better than the first version. The reason it's better is that we have a sense of what's at stake for the main character.

Public outrage over the death of a 13-year-old girl shoves him into the spotlight as the one of best investigators in the country, but when he uncovers her secret life as an online prostitute catering to pedophiles, he finds the public attitude changes quickly. And when all clues point towards someone from the largest television ministry on the East Coast the change becomes dramatic. A general fear of what might come out of this flock spurs politicians and religious leaders to obstruct his investigation at every turn.

The first sentence in the paragraph is very long. (One way to know how long is too long is to say the sentence out loud. If you need to pause to breathe, it's too long) I'm also going to quibble with "prostitute" since it's clear she's online, and prostitution requires in-person activity. I know people use "sex worker" but that's not the right phrase either.

Just "someone" is too generic. The clues indicate the killer is someone

"a general fear" is also too nebulous. Polish and sharpen your language and word choice here.

Joseph befriends a 16 year old who calls herself Dizzy Lizzy, a young runaway who sells herself in order to provide for the social misfits that inhabit her world. Amid accusations that he is losing his objectivity, he becomes a pariah amongst his fellow officers. With only Lizzy fighting on his side, he grows closer to the girl who reawakens humanity in him that he had almost forgotten he had. The dispassion he had exercised for so long had cost him his marriage and the bond he shared with his daughter. Watching Lizzy interact with her clan provides him with a glimmer of hope: how he can best bridge the gaps he had thrown up to separate himself from the vulgar orbit of the criminal element he saw everyday. But the one person he cannot help is Lizzy, and it threatens to break him.

You can cut almost all of this paragraph out and solve a lot of the problems in this query. Remember you don't need the entire plot, or the entire motivation, you only need enough to entice my interest.

"The Absolution of a Fallen Angel" is a 90,000 words ~~commercial fiction piece~~ and is my first novel.

I really really hate this title too. Fallen Angel is smarmy and a stereotype of prostitutes.
I wouldn't stop reading a query based on a bad title --no one really would-- but a good title is better than a bad one for enticing interest.

This is a lot LOT better than the original (good work) but it needs some honing and polishing.

-------------------------------------
ORIGINAL

Dear Query Shark,

Chief Detective MIKE JOSEPH is in over his head and knows it. Investigating the death of a 13-year-old girl uncovers her secret life as an online prostitute catering to pedophiles... and all clues point towards someone from the largest television ministry on the East Coast. This pits JOSEPH against a cabal of politicians and the self righteous terrified of what an investigation into the flock might uncover.

Don't capitalize the names of characters. That's the format for film scripts, not query letters. The only thing in a query that is all caps is the title of the book.

"Cabal of politicians and the self-righteous" doesn't actually say anything useful. You're using buzz words to evoke knee-jerk responses (ie politicians = bad, evil) rather than actually creating an interesting villain. Cardboard cutout stereotypes aren't interesting.

JOSEPH 's single ally is a female runaway, who calls herself DIZZY LIZZY--five years older than his own daughter--also selling herself in order to support her junkie boyfriend and the colorful cast of misfits who inhabit her world.

"colorful cast of misfits" is a pretty light hearted description. Coming after "online prostitutes catering to pedophiles" there's a real disparity of tone. You can be funny about serious topics, but you can't then have the serious topics viewed with any gravitas (examples are Carl Hiassen, Janet Evonovich.)

As a cop, he tries to insulate himself from horrors of a culture on society's fringe but finds himself drawn to LIZZY and her clan bringing accusations that he is losing his objectivity.

The construction of this sentence makes it look as though "her clan" is the one accusing him of losing his objectivity. That doesn't actually make sense.

His meticulous nature as a detective has pushed his wife to divorce and daughter to arm's length but he draws strength from the charismatic 16 year old LIZZY. Even JOSEPH fears he might be another of the girl's "projects."

Here's where you lose me. He's meticulous so his wife divorces him and his daughter doesn't much like him so he draws strength from a 16 year old online prostitute? That doesn't feel very real to me, but more than that it makes the protagonist seem weak and frankly, rather icky.

He needs to solve a case that has becomes a political hot potato, come to grips with his divorce, while he hopes to rescue LIZZY from a dead end life. But he begins to question who most needs to be rescued: LIZZY or himself.

Are you seriously asking if a grown man dealing with a divorce and an alienated child has the same need of help as a 16 year old girl who is making money to support a junkie boyfriend by whoring?

At this point I want to hit the protagonist with a 2x4 and shriek "do your damn job" and that's absolutely not the response you want.

You'd do better to focus more on plot and less on character in this query. It's very very difficult to reduce complex motivations and situations to enticing descriptions for a query. You need to bat to your strengths, and plot may be better for that here.

WHAT LITTLE GIRLS ARE MADE OF is a 90,000 word popular-cop fiction and is my first novel.

There's no such category as popular cop fiction. There's commercial fiction; there's police procedural; there are crime novels. If you can't figure out what to call your novel, pick a novel that's close to yours (in this case I would pick one of Ed McBain's 87th Precinct novels.) Go to Amazon. Look at the tags people give their reviews (it's near the bottom of the page.) Generally speaking you'll find what to correctly call your novel there. Pick ONE of the tags, not the top five.

I really hate the title. My guess is you are going for a juxtaposition of what the nursery rhyme evokes and the strength of Lizzy (little girls aren't made of sugar and spice; they're made of oak etc.) Coming at the end of the query it doesn't do that. We haven't really seen what Lizzy is made of; we've seen the weakness of Mike Joseph. Since the novel is about pedophilia and prostitution the title has to avoid an "ickiness" risk that other books don't. Obviously, an agent does not stop reading a book based on a bad title, but you want to be very aware of the effect every word in your query, including the title, conveys.

This is a form rejection. There's not enough plot to catch my interest. The main character doesn't seem very heroic if he's busy leeching off a 16 year old for emotional strength.

#185-Revised

2010-10-31T09:51:00.002-04:00

Dear QueryShark:

Tabitha’s a smart cookie, but ~~she’s~~ not exactly what you’d call worldly. She’s studying abroad in England on her first big trip away from home, and ~~she~~ thought she’d be having the time of her life. Instead, she feels dislocated and isolated. And it doesn’t help that she’s a continent away from her boyfriend Will.

you don't have to repeat the subject (she) in every clause. It's actually better if you don't. When I keep chewing on writers to pare out every unneeded word, this is what I mean.

Back in New Jersey, Tabitha was a talented literature student, but now she’s struggling to compete. When not facing thinly veiled scorn from her classmates or being publicly humiliated for her ignorance of the vernacular, Tabitha soothes her loneliness with tea, chips, and pints of hard cider.

So far all you've done here is tell us about Tabitha. And frankly, she sounds like a sad-sack full of self-pity.

Tabitha eventually settles in with a motley assortment of British students, including a vivacious extrovert who involves her in schemes to finagle free drinks, a morose snooker aficionado who indoctrinates her into his favorite pastime, and an enigmatic aristocrat who invites her into a secret society that convenes on nights of the full moon.

This is all set up and description. What does Tabitha want? What's keeping her from it?

Then Tabitha’s precarious new serenity shatters.

Will sleeps with his best female friend back home, and Tabitha is desolate. Tabitha’s American friends Katy and Ezra find her plunged in despair, and they pull her into their European spring break travels.

This is all backstory, and you'd be lucky if I kept reading to find out where the actual story starts.

story actually begins here------>As the three friends eat and drink their way across Ireland and France, Tabitha wrestles with her conflicted emotions. She’s furious with herself for still loving Will despite his transgression. And yet she finds herself increasingly drawn to the handsome and sympathetic Ezra, who has made his interest in Tabitha evident. Torn by her dueling attractions, Tabitha makes a choice that even she doesn’t expect…

I'm sorry but this is just plain not interesting, let alone enticing. An American girl abroad with a group of students finds herself attracted to one of her merry band. This isn't a plot. It's a set up.

ABROAD is a 76,000-word new adult novel.

This is my first novel. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Let's get some plot on the page here. What does Tabitha want? When you say she'd be having the time of her life, what did she think she'd be doing? Why isn't she doing it? What's keeping her from doing it?

Everything up to the first place Tabitha has to make a choice is prelude to the story. Most likely that choice is "When Tabitha hears her idiot boyfriend has taken advantage of her year away in England to sleep with all the members of Chi Omega in alphabetical order, Tabitha must decide whether to hire a hit man for revenge, or go to France with her merry band of misfit friends and drown her sorrows in good wine and cheese."

Start over. Focus on what happens, not description.

--------------------
ORIGINAL

Dear Query Shark:

Tabitha Macaulay is supposed to be having the time of her life studying abroad in England on a prestigious scholarship. But she feels out-of-place at her British university, and is a continent away from her musician boyfriend Will.

Just as Tabitha settles in with a motley assortment of British and American students, she is devastated to learn that Will has betrayed her. Fellow Americans Katy and Ezra pull Tabitha out of her dejection and into their European spring break travels.

As the three friends eat and drink their way across Ireland and France, Tabitha wrestles with her conflicted emotions: she still loves Will, but finds herself increasingly drawn to the handsome and sympathetic Ezra. Torn by her dueling attractions, Tabitha finally makes the choice that even she doesn’t expect…

She becomes a lesbian? She enters a convent? It better be something that dramatic cause the other options (she decides she doesn't need a boyfriend and/or she falls for Ezra) are pretty low-wattage resolutions.

ABROAD, a 76,000-word new adult ~~/young adult/~~ novel, explores the bumpy road to cultural assimilation, (there's nothing in the query letter about that) the joy of unexpected friendships, (or that) the healing power of food, (or that) and the delicious agony of sexual tension. (or that)

You're telling me the book is about those things. What you've shown me is the book is about a girl whose boyfriend cheats on her while she's away (I could have told her that would happen) and she embarks on a road trip to ease her pain. This is the most standard of plots right now. What you're telling and what you're showing don't match. I believe what you show me.

Just a word to the commenters tempted to leap on the designation new adult: it is a legitimate category and describes books about college age people. YA is generally for protagonists of high school age; New adult is for protagonists aged 18 to about 22.

I have degrees in English and Communication from Rutgers University, and I studied literature abroad at the University of Sussex in Brighton, England.

Aha! I suspect a thinly disguised memoir here. What you need to remember is that real life seldom is the stuff of good novels.

There isn't enough substance here. YA and NA has real heft to it now. I think of books like Courtney Summers' CRACKED UP TO BE; Amy Reed's BEAUTIFUL; Charles Benoit's YOU.

This is my first novel.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Add this to your list of do's and don'ts

2010-10-19T18:29:00.000-04:00

Dear Query Shark:

(query text)

------

This E-mail, including any attachments, may be intended solely for the personal and confidential use of the sender and recipient(s) named above. This message may include advisory, consultative and/or deliberative material and, as such, would be privileged and confidential and not a public document. Any Information in this e-mail identifying a client of the Department of Human Services or the Department of Children and Families is confidential. If you have received this e-mail in error, you must not review, transmit, convert to hard copy, copy, use or disseminate this e-mail or any attachments to it and you must delete this message. You are requested to notify the sender by return e-mail.

This is why you don't send your email queries from your work email. Your query is not personal and confidential to me. It's a query. If I like your work, I need to talk about it to other people.

Also, you need your own email for your writing business.

This doesn't lead to automatic-rejection, but it's not the kind of professional presentation you want to have.

#183

2010-10-10T08:42:00.000-04:00

Dear Query Shark:

According to UNICEF, an estimated 2.5 children, the majority of them girls, are sexually exploited in the 12 billion dollar world wide commercial sex industry. It has been estimated by Stop Child Trafficking Now, SCTNow, that the average predator in the US can make more than $200,000 a year off one young girl.

Great! You're querying for a non-fiction book on the problem of sexual exploitation of women. Oh wait, you're not.

Don't begin the query for a novel with a cold burst of information like this. This isn't your story. You're also telling (in the least enticing way you could) rather than showing. I see this a lot with people who write novels to illustrate a problem or make a point. Don't do it.

Danny Charman has retired after a career in the National Football League. He has started a new career as a lawyer in Dallas. Actually, all he really wants to do, is work a half day and play golf the other half. Oh, and of course, he would like to fool around with the ladies as much as possible. That is, until early one morning, he learns that one of his former teammates has been murdered. The murder took place at a hunting and fishing lodge in a national forest near a small town north of Dallas. That afternoon, he learns that another one of his former teammates has been taken into custody. Immediately, Danny knows something is wrong. His two former teammates were best of friends, born and raised together in the small town. One would not have killed the other.

This is clunky writing of the worst sort. It's a series of statements, not a paragraph. There is no cadence here; the sentences don't flow readily.

Consider this:

All Danny Charman really wants to do is work and play golf . Oh, and fool around with the ladies as much as possible. Early one morning he learns one of his former NFL teammates has been murdered at a hunting and fishing lodge. Another former teammate has been taken into custody. Immediately, Danny knows something is wrong. These guys were best of friends, born and raised together in the small town. One would not have killed the other.

That evening, Danny and his young female assistant drive to the town to pay their respects and to start an investigation. Later that night, with the rain turning into sleet, they are driving on a deserted road in the forest. Suddenly, a little girl darts out in front of them. Danny is able to stop the vehicle without hitting her as she runs across the road and into the forest. He searches and finds her collapsed underneath a tree. He picks her up. She is burning up with fever. She either cannot, or will not talk. He notices the bruises around her little wrists and ankles. They take her to the local hospital. No one there recognizes her. Evidently, she is not local.

You've got the same clunky problem here. Also, you're missing what's at stake for Danny. Even if he doesn't think his former teammate would have killed his friend, why does he take it on himself to investigate? There has to be an organic reason for this to happen. By organic I mean a motivation that flows from the plot and characters making choices, not the author deciding this is what has to happen.

In order to solve the murder of his former teammate, Danny must first solve the mystery of the little girl. A mystery that will take him into the underworld of human trafficking and child exploitation.

There is no linkage between the two things. I don't understand what the plot is.

BUTTERFLY SIN, a mystery complete at 110,000 words, is my first novel. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

This is a form rejection. It's all set up, and no plot. The writing is clunky and un-polished. When I see that in a query, I know I'll see it in the novel.

I'm also EXTREMELY wary of authors who are trying to make a point or teach a lesson, or illuminate a problem in novels. Story comes first and authors who want to make a point rarely are willing to let the story dominate the points they want to make. Stories with lessons are called parables, not novels.

Questions?

2010-10-04T09:11:00.004-04:00

I get email asking questions that are (to my mind) clearly answered in the directions for QueryShark. Normally I just delete them, but it occurred to me that the readers of the blog might be willing to help me out here.

If you have questions, post them in the comment section of THIS blog post. By questions I mean things about how QueryShark works. Examples: can I resubmit if I've sent a query before (yes); I've sent you three queries but none have been posted, why not (I don't post 99% of the queries I get.)

If you ask a question about how other agencies work, about how to handle issues with something OTHER than a query letter to the QueryShark, the comment won't be posted. There are lots of places on the web to get that information. QueryShark Questions are ONLY about QueryShark.

If you're a blog reader, feel free to answer. I'll keep you all on the right course -- wrong answers won't get approved. I also don't post questions about the general query process or how to submit work to agents. These questions are about how the Shark works and ONLY about how the Shark works.

My hope is we can get questions answered without my having to engage in a one on one email conversation.

Thanks for helping.

#182--Revised

2010-10-03T08:01:00.046-04:00

Dear Query Shark:

An old and mysterious globe launches Benjamin and Caroline Coffee into the perils of history ~~as they~~ to navigate through the Age of Discovery and back to the modern day.

The unexplained death of the grandmother brings Benjamin and Caroline to rural Illinois on the summer following their thirteenth birthdays. That is, until they innocently spin a long-neglected globe. When they regain consciousness, the year is 1491 in Nuremberg, Germany, and they are staring at the oldest globe in the modern world, The Earth Apple, designed by Martin Behaim. The threatening Martin imprisons them, leaving them hopeless, but they soon find out that twin globes have been made and the one they need is in Lisbon, Portugal. Unfortunately, it is the same globe needed by Martin’s most secretive friend, Christopher Columbus. Martin whisks Benjamin and Caroline off across 15th century Europe, but they are not alone in their voyage. The Portuguese Crown is in vigilant pursuit, along with a curious old man who holds many answers to the wonder of the twin globes and to the death of their grandmother. Should Benjamin and Caroline help the deceitful Martin in his quest with Columbus or should they give up on history and try to get back home?

You sent this as entire block o'text. Don't do that. Break up into three-four lines in an email. Don't break sentences obviously, but do break paragraphs into smaller chunks. White space is crucial in an email query.

Here's how I'd break it up:

The unexplained death of ~~the~~ their grandmother brings Benjamin and Caroline to rural Illinois on the summer following their thirteenth birthdays. That is, until they innocently spin a long-neglected globe. When they regain consciousness, the year is 1491 in Nuremberg, Germany, (let's remember that Germany didn't exist as a unified political entity till after 1870) and they are staring at the oldest globe in the modern world, The Earth Apple, designed by Martin Behaim.

The threatening Martin imprisons them, (why?) leaving them hopeless, but they soon find out that twin globes have been made and the one they need is in Lisbon, Portugal. (they're in prison, how do they know?) (why do they need that one and not this one?) Unfortunately, it is the same globe needed by Martin’s most secretive friend, Christopher Columbus.

Martin whisks Benjamin and Caroline off across 15th century Europe, (I thought he locked them in prison?) but they are not alone in their voyage. (Nuremberg to Lisbon isn't a voyage last time I glanced at a map) The Portuguese Crown is in vigilant pursuit, along with a curious old man who holds many answers to the wonder of the twin globes and to the death of their grandmother.

Should Benjamin and Caroline help the deceitful Martin in his quest with Columbus or should they give up on history and try to get back home?

This is a choice without stakes. What happens if they give up on history? Does the world implode? Am I doomed?

SPIN: THE COFFEE CHRONICLES is an 80,000-word historical novel. Maps and illustrations have been created.

Thanks for your time and I look forward to hearing from you,

If your query raises these kinds of questions as I read it, it makes me wonder if the book holds together logically. (This is why a lot of agents request a synopsis--to see if the book really works in terms of plot and narrative arc)

You might have a fun book here, but I can't see it because all I am is confused.

Start over. Simplify.

---------------------------------
Dear Query Shark:

After stumbling across an old and mysterious pedestal globe, a few innocent revolutions launch Benjamin and Caroline Coffee back into the midst of history’s greatest challenges as they re-encounter the Age of Discovery and struggle to find their way back to modern day.

There's a lot to be said for simple basic sentence construction. Consider: Benjamin and Caroline Coffee stumble across an old and mysterious pedestal globe. A few innocent revolutions launch them into the midst ...

Writing it this way does a couple things: it helps you steer clear of long-ass sentences which is almost always the better choice. It starts with the names of the characters. It also helps you as an author write with forward motion. Start at the beginning; move forward.

I'm not sure innocent is needed to modify revolutions. Whether they were innocent or malevolent, the result is the same.

When the two thirteen-year-olds regain consciousness, the year is 1491 in Nuremberg, Germany, and they are staring at the oldest globe in the modern world, The Earth Apple, designed by Martin Behaim.

An attempt at using the globe to get back home leaves Benjamin and Caroline kidnapped and hopeless, but soon an unsigned note left in the pocket of an obscure young artist reveals that common throughout history twin globes have been made, and the one they need to get home is the same that Martin needs for the second discovery of America; unfortunately, it resides in the castle of King John II in Lisbon, Portugal.

You've got way too much going on here for one sentence. Also, that one sentence is 74 words. When I see this kind of sentence in a query, I know I'll see it in the book. That means I'm in for some pretty hard-core editing. This does not bode well for "yes, I want to read pages."

I don't understand how using a globe gets anyone kidnapped, or makes them hopeless. Clearly there's some sort of precipitating event but you don't mention it.

"An unsigned note left in the pocket of an obscure young artist" is the worst form of Scooby-Doo

Martin whisks the artist, Benjamin and Caroline off across 15th century Europe, but they are not alone in their voyage. The Portuguese Crown is in vigilant pursuit, along with a curious old man who holds many answers to the wonder of the twin globes.

Fires are quelled, battles are fought, and secrets are exposed as Benjamin and Caroline unearth new perspectives of the Granada War, Renaissance Art, and the true discovery of America in SPIN: THE COFFEE CHRONICLES.

This is so general as to be meaningless. You only need the events that answer the question: what is the hero up against? What is getting between the hero and his goal? Everything else can be left out.

SPIN: THE COFFEE CHRONICLES is a 120,000-word historical novel. Maps and illustrations have been created.

whoa. 120K is not a problem for an adult historical novel. Not at all.

Your protagonists are 13. I thought this was a middle grade book. 120K is way too long for that.

What you have described here is essentially a middle grade novel: kids out of place in time who need to get home. This isn't a novel that an adult would read. You need to chop the word count by a good 50K.

I am currently in a Ph.D. program at the (redacted) so I am no stranger to research but new to novel writing. The research for this book has taken me to several of its scenes throughout southwestern Europe. I have also been in correspondence with experts at one of the largest and greatest museums in Europe, the Germanic National Museum in Nuremberg, which plays an important role in the novel as well as houses many of the famous pieces featured, including Renaissance artwork and the oldest globe extant, The Earth Apple of Martin Behaim.

That's very nice but you don't need qualifications to write a novel.

Thanks for your time and I look forward to hearing from you,

This is a form rejection. I see unnecessarily complex sentences, disconnect between length and target audience. There's nothing here right now that makes me care about the main characters and their quest.

#181-FTW

2010-10-03T07:58:00.000-04:00

Dear Query Shark:

Some kids walk out of juvie with freehand tattoos or new gang affiliations. Delia Clark left with a plan to become an FBI agent.

This is as good an opening sentence as we've seen here in a while. Notice that what we know about Delia is what happened to her and how she wants to change. In other words, not what she looks like.

Now twenty-three, Delia’s almost there.

A lot of times, mentioning a protagonist's age is pointless. Here, it gives us valuable info: Delia is moving toward her goal. It's also mentioned at the right place. The writer did not say "23 year old Delia Clark etc."

She just has to get through law school first. With its harsh authority figures, cutthroat students, and terrible cafeteria food, Delia’s finding law school eerily similar to prison. If it weren’t for her close friendship with fellow student Violet Cross, Delia might actually follow through on her threat to invest next semester’s tuition money in a Subway sandwich franchise. Luckily for Delia’s career plans, Vi’s got her back. Or at least she did.

This is a nice setup for the plot. We know where Delia is, what she wants to achieve. We get the sense it's not easy.

The police find Vi beaten to death in an alley the day after she slammed a door in Delia’s face and told her that she didn’t want to see her again. As Vi’s emergency contact, Delia must identify the body. Haunted by the image of her dead friend and guilty that their first big fight was their last conversation, Delia makes it her mission to assist the police with their investigation. Until she discovers that the detective in charge of the case was being investigated by Vi herself for planting evidence in a capital murder trial. Suddenly, the detective’s disturbing lack of interest in finding out who killed Vi makes sense.

This is a key paragraph. In any amateur sleuth mystery (which this is) one of the things I always look for is why the sleuth is investigating. It has to be a logical reason, not just because you need the sleuth to investigate to make the book work. Generally you find those reasons in the stakes of the book: here it's a little different. Delia think if she doesn't do it, no one will.

Delia knows firsthand that sticking her nose in a criminal investigation can lead to trouble. After all, it’s what landed her in juvie in the first place. This time she’s an adult and the consequences could be much worse. Even if she doesn’t end up in prison, the FBI certainly doesn’t look kindly on applicants who’ve been charged with obstruction of justice. The smart thing to do would be to just walk away. Then again, Delia’s never been known as someone who can just let things go.

And here are the stakes in the novel. This is a very very nice set up.

Delia decides to investigate Vi’s murder herself, teaming up with an with an old high school flame, now rookie cop, and her smartest study group pal in order to solve the case. But as the stakes grow higher, Delia will be forced to face the question that landed her in juvie so many years ago: Is retribution worth her future?

EMERGENCY CONTACT, a mystery complete at 92,000 words, is my first novel. Thank you for your time and consideration. ~~I look forward to hearing from you.~~

In this case, you probably do look forward to hearing from me, since I'd be requesting pages, but still, Thank you for your time and consideration is enough.

This is 384 words but I wouldn't pare a single one.

This query works: I'd request pages.

A complaint from the back benches

2010-10-03T07:30:00.001-04:00

Dear QueryShark:

I love this site, and you give great help in a hilarious way. But for all this talk demanding good queries, you only post the bad ones. It's all educational, sure, but for those of us sending a good query per instruction hoping then for info on how to make it spectacular, we're ignored in favor of posting the truly awful ones. It's unfair that the ones who do follow these "strict" instructions are the ones never featured.

Maybe you can post some middle-ground queries--ones that aren't a complete disaster, but ones that still need basic help. I know it'd be nice and not exactly ferociously shark-like, but it would make following these instructions more important. I'm tempted to write a terrible query just to get you to post it so I can then send a follow-up.

It's all a matter of perspective I guess. I really don't think I post only bad queries. But if you think so, ok.

But, asking for advice on how to make your query spectacular overlooks something: I can't do that. I can help you get out of your own way. I can show you the obvious mistakes of form and content. I can beat it into your head not to start queries with your address or mine, or to mention those seventeen other novels waiting in the wings.

Editing your query line by line to make it spectacular assumes we could agree on what is spectacular and assumes what makes your query spectacular would also make other queries spectacular. I don't think we'd agree on either of those.

QueryShark is designed to get you to effective. For spectacular, you gotta do it yourself. The most I can help you there is showing query letters that worked for me. There's a list on the blogroll titled "Queries That Got To YES" with ten of them as of today.

And please don't send a terrible query just hoping to get it posted. It won't help you get to spectacular either.

What a nice way to start the week! Thank you P&E!

2010-09-27T10:13:00.000-04:00

(of course, it's quite hilarious to see the P&E button that announces they are "shark repellent"!)

For those of you unfamiliar with the site Preditors and Editors helps you avoid fee-charging agents and other undesirables. It's a must read site for authors seeking agents.

#180

2010-09-26T11:04:00.002-04:00

Dear QueryShark,

18 year old Keri McCallen ~~is the youngest ever to serve as commander of a space ship, let alone the brand new Elpis. She~~ is on a mission to explore the stars.

That she's the youngest, and the ship is brand new don't seem to matter for the story you're describing below. It's also description, thus unnecessary description. Always open a query with action, or a choice the hero needs to make, or what's at stake. In other words something dynamic, not static.

She met a guy on Earth named Chance, ~~but~~ who suddenly ~~Chance~~ appears on The Elpis wanting her help. ~~Turned out~~ Chance is from another planet called Erra. His people are involved in an interstellar war. He ~~was~~ has been sent to ask for Keri's help in particular. ~~What's so special about~~ why her? Even Chance wasn't told why; it just had to be her.

This is unfocused. Does it matter she met him on earth? No. What matters is the forward action: he needs her help and doesn't know why.

Unbeknown to them Keri's mother is involved.

Keri thought her parents died in a horrific aircraft accident on Earth. Now her mother comes back working the puppet strings to bring Keri to their home world Erra, to triumph against the Teagun Empire who's set out to destroy both Erra and Earth for revenge.

This passes unfocused and is now chaotic. Focus ONLY on what is going to happen. Leave out the background (her parents died etc)

Seems there is something special about Keri, her mother is Erron and her father was Teagun. The power of those two races comes together. Now it's Keri's unique existence that can save them all.

You'll want to rethink naming any race "teagun."

Last Chance is a sci-fi mystery containing 52,000 words. This is my debut.

There's not a chance in the world this book is long enough. VERY fast paced high octane crime novels clock in at 55,000 words. Science fiction, and the requisite world building usually start at double that.

I enjoy that this book opens your mind to more possibilities in outer space. If there is intelligent life could some of it have come from Earth millions of years ago? I'd like to think it's a possibility. If they did, what would they be like? I answer those questions and more.

All that may be true, and may be why you wrote the book, but none of it belongs in a query letter. The only thing that belongs in a query is the story.

Thank you for your consideration,

I have a feeling you shouldn't be querying yet. Many writers query too soon, and I have the feeling this is the case here. A good writers group, and critique partners can often help you see places the book needs development. Rather than revise this query, spend some time on the book.

This is a form rejection.

#179-FTW

2010-09-26T10:54:00.003-04:00

Dear Query Shark,

Protected witness Jessica Reynolds is in deep trouble. The killer she helped put behind bars ten years ago has escaped, and thanks to a breach in cyber-security, knows her new identity. A federal marshal shows up at her home without warning, ready to immediately whisk her away for a second relocation. Jessica refuses to go, unwilling to walk away from her career, home and friends without a fight.

Yes! This is exactly how to start a query. We know what Jessica wants, and who is trying to thwart her.

Veteran Marshal Max Prescott's assignment sounded simple: contact an endangered witness, and transport her to a safe house to await a permanent relocation. Instead, he's faced with protecting the stubborn woman, while using her as willing bait to draw a vengeful killer into the open. Still plagued with guilt after his wife's tragic death, it's the last duty he'd choose. The last duty he'd shirk.

Yes! This adds a layer to the story, introduces the hero, gives us a sense of what he's about. At this point we know the characters, what they want, and have a sense of who they are. There's nothing extra here, but also nothing left out.

The trap laid and baited, Max and Jessica wait. While familiarity often breeds contempt, in this case it breeds something far warmer. As their feelings for each other grow, they have no idea the killer watches, and prepares a deadly trap of his own.

Two excellent strategies here: "the trap laid and baited" Notice the author doesn't give specifics. There's no step by step list of what Jessica and Max do to lay the trap. This way the author isn't bogged down in unnecessary details. Same with what the bad guy is doing. We know what he's doing but it's not how or why. This is exactly the way to do it.

WORST CASE SCENARIO is a 100,000 word romantic suspense. It is my first novel.

Nice title too.

Thank you for your time.

I'd request pages the moment I finished reading. Nice job.

#178

2010-09-18T14:22:00.010-04:00

Dear Query Shark:

To find closure in death, especially for a child, can be a heart wrenching time.

This doesn't say anything, and it is VERY off-putting because at first glance it looks like you're talking about the death of a child.

start here instead ------->KATIE’S LUCKY LEAVES is a story of a young girl facing the death of her father, with her Grammie’s help.

This is very abstract. I'm not sure if her father is dying or dead. Be specific: Katie's father is dying/has died. Her Grammie tells her a story to show her that her father will always be with her.

While making cookies Grammie weaves a magical tale about love, leaves and the wind. With the cookies made and set to cool, Katie catches autumn leaves before they touch the ground for their greatest luck. Once Katie collects an apron-full, Katie and Grammie place those leaves in a shoebox and bury it in Mother’s garden, where the leaves will increase their love. The end depicts the wind setting one perfect, red leaf on the soil mound over the buried leaves. Katie knows then that Daddy is the loving wind, always there, wrapping his love around her.

For ages 3—9, with focus on children who have lost a family member, this book is a complete package with 1,400 word story and 22, brightly rendered, double-page illustrations. Left pages hold the primary illustrated action, with text on 19 right pages, for easy reading by an adult to children.

1400 words is long for a picture book. Also, query letters for picture books don't describe the story. They include the ENTIRE text. ALL 1400 words.

Also, you should not describe how you want the book laid out or offer illustrations (generally). Picture book editors (generally) acquire text and illustrations separately.

Ages 3-9 is WAY too large an age span. This is a picture book (I think) and those are for pre-readers- 3-6.

Also, I'm not sure kids who are 3-6 years old are old enough to understand metaphor, and parables, and abstract thinking. My experience with that age group leads me to think they are down in the dirt pragmatists.

And who is your audience here? Who will buy this book? If I know a three year old whose dad just died, the last thing I'd do is buy them a book about death. I think we'd just bake cookies and talk about important things like why sharks make excellent pets.

This is the kind of idea that I usually see from someone who is trying to help, which is a laudable motivation, but I'm looking at this from a purely mercenary point of view: who will buy this book?

~~My writings have appeared in local newsletters: (list redacted)~~

You don't need to mention this. Unless you've had picture books published, or other books published, you can leave all that out. If you mention it, you don't need to say which ones, you can leave it at local newsletters.

~~A poet since youth, over the years through hard work and membership with online critique group, The Writing Well, my prose form has matured.~~

Leave this out as well. It's akin to showing me pictures of you growing up.Yes you look better after you got your braces off and quit doing the beehive hairdo.

~~I am educated in art and writing with a Bachelor of Science in Horticulture.~~

I studied under graphic artist (redacted), et al. By direct sales I marketed my art, sculpture and fine craft in the central United States from 1976—1992. I served on the Boards of, and did exhibitions with the (redacted) Art Guild and (redacted) Sculpture Society, 80’s, 90’s. I exhibited in (redacted) State Univ., (redacted) Art Gallery, 2002 while I studied for my Bachelor’s.

Musicians and artists list their teachers on their CVs before they've had much of their own professional success. You don't need this here. The actual text of the story is all you need.

~~You state you seek debut authors and are open to Children’s literature.~~ I am a debut author.

You don't need to repeat what an agent is looking for. Often times, it's better not to since it's VERY easy to get it wrong. (websites that list what agents are looking for are notorious sources for these errors)

At this point, knowing there are no certainties, I let intuition be my guide.

I'm not sure why you'd include this in a query letter. It doesn't give me confidence that you've done much research on how the industry works.

You'd do very well to join the Society of Childrens' Books Writers and Illustrators. (link below) They are a terrific organization dedicated to advocating for writers in this field. They have workshops and conferences around the country that are well respected. You need a lot more industry education under your belt before you proceed.

This is a form rejection.

Here's the link to SCBWI:

Would the writer for post #163 email me please?

2010-09-14T13:17:00.003-04:00

I lost your contact info in the Great Email Debacle and I need your permission for someone to use your letter.

#176-revised 4x

2010-09-08T20:04:00.088-04:00

Dear QueryShark:

Former priest Stefan is desperate. His greatest desire is an end to his tortured existence as a vampire. He cannot commit suicide. ~~He had tried and failed~~. His vampiric nature prevents it--both morally and physically, he cannot act as his own executioner.

The punctuation in the third sentence makes the sentence awkward. I think you're using it here to mean a pause. Generally dashes meaning a pause are used as interruptions, from one speaker to another. The reason this doesn't work is what follows: the clause both morally and physically, he cannot act as his own executioner.

Do you mean he can't be his own executioner because of his vampiric nature? If so, his vampiric nature prevents it is the conclusion, not the start, of the sentence: He cannot act as his own executioner; his vampiric nature prevents it both morally and physically.

Stefan’s plan (what plan; so far all we know is his desire) is set into motion when he discovers an ancient dagger, the one used to slay the original vampire. He finds the dagger in the possession of William, a man painfully unaware of its value and origin. Stefan is exuberant when he discovers that William also has the bloodline to wield the dagger’s power. Now he must convince William to end Stefan's suffering.

This paragraph feels like a list of events. A query letter isn't like a recipe: beat one cup flour into one cup sugar and one cup butter. It's the overview: "bake a cake."

We don't need to know he discovers an ancient dagger and where. Or that William has the bloodline. Those are the ingredients. What we need to know is that Stefan has found a way to have himself killed.

Stefan lures William to Romania. William’s situation and aging mother have left William financially wrecked - a perfect situation for Stefan to take advantage of.

This makes William sound like he'd kill someone for money. Generally speaking that's not a quality one would deem sympathetic.

As the two grow close, Stefan is left torn. His desperation to his own misery could equate to eternal night for William, if blood is exchanged. The priest that still dwells within him cannot accept that fate for William, nor can he endure a gruesome, blood stained eternity.

The dilemma here is Stefan's: Can he bring himself to condemn William to "eternal night" (whatever the hell that is) to end his own suffering. You might actually want to lead with this because it makes Stefan MUCH more sympathetic than he seems at the start right now.

IMMORTAL DECISION is a 105,000-word urban fantasy debut. Thank you for your consideration.

I'm confused about who the antagonist is here. And the protagonist for that matter. Whose story is this? If it's Stefan's (and that would be my guess given we're hearing what he wants and why he can't get it) that makes William the antagonist.

If however, you're trying to have the antagonist be Stefan, in that he's trying to suck William into doing something evil, you're going to need William to be more than a cipher. He'll need to be much more developed here. He finds himself wooed by Stefan, persuaded to come to Romania by the lure of money, only to find the money is contingent upon him killing a vampire who wants to die. What could be so bad about a true mercy killing? Well, there is the fact it would send him into "eternal night" (whatever the hell that is) and make him a vampire as well.

This is a LOT better than the first query, but you've still got clunky writing and it's hard to see much story here.

Form rejection.
-----------------------------------------

Dear QueryShark:

A former priest, Stefan’s greatest desire is to end his two hundred years of tortured existence as a vampire. He knows his prophesized death is at hand, but two centuries have taught him that prophesies are often flawed.

Suicide is impossible.

Notice you've switched here from Stefan's POV, to an objective statement. You need to keep the same POV as much as possible. Consider: He can't kill himself. It means (mostly) the same thing, and keeps us with Stefan.

Vampiric natures prevent him from intentionally losing a battle.

Again, keep us with Stefan: His vampire nature prevents him from intentionally being killed in a battle.

The means to his end presents itself in the form of an American named William, a man possessing the very relic Stefan needs, and the heritage to use it.

While the end may present itself, it's a passive construction. Consider: he decides to use an American etc...

Stefan lures William to Romania with the promise of a substantial inheritance, an answer to William’s current debacle (debacle isn't really the right word here). Complications arise when Stefan grows fond of William, leaving him (which him?) torn. Stefan’s plan to end his own misery could mean eternal night for William.

Failure equates to an eternity of sunless, Godless existence that Stefan cannot suffer any longer.

IMMORTAL DECISION is a 105,000-word urban fantasy debut. Thank you for your consideration.

Sincerely,

Form rejection: this is still awkward and I'm not really taken with either of the main characters.

-----

Dear Agent seeking Queries low on the suckitutde meter, (ha!)

Stefan, ~~Executioner by decree of the Order,~~ has just slain another rampant vampire. Being the eldest and strongest vampire certainly has its downfalls.

It's not clear that Stefan is a vampire (another

And don't get me started on rampant. I looked it up. It's not exactly incorrect, but it seems a strange word choice to me, one that is initially perplexing not illuminating.

He struggles with his duties recalling his days as a priest, but that hasn’t been since 1808.

This is a very awkward construction. You're trying to squeeze in information like it's Cheezewhiz going into a straw.

The executed has left a sizeable Romanian estate to contend with, and no heir. As Stefan searches through the victim’s lineage, a discovery compels him to contrive a plan.

"compels him to contrive a plan" One of the skills a writer must develop is being able to hear clunky constructions like this. One way is to read your work aloud sentence by sentence. I do that here in the office much to the dismay of the other reef-dwellers, but it's one of the most effective ways to hear clunk.

He sends for William, an American in possession of a relic lost since the 1600s: the crucifix of the Archangel Michael.

this is actually the start of the story ------>Stefan’s greatest desire is to end his two hundred years’ of tortured existence. Suicide impossible and vampiric natures preventing him from losing a battle, his options are limited.

All the stuff before this paragraph just gets in the way. Right here is where you've got the answer to a big questions: what does the protagonist want, and what's thwarting him?

Stefan manipulates the young man to read two hundred years worth of journals, concealing that he is the author. The mere human will fold reading the psychological warfare contained in the memoirs of a priest-turned-vampire. Fearful the young man may flee home to the states, Stefan, convinces a cohort to manipulate William into falling in love with a housemaid, cementing his desire to stay in Romania, at least until Stefan is dead.

This is clunky writing here but you're on the right track for what you should be talking about.

Upon completing the journals, William discovers Stefan is the vampire priest. Desperate to end his suffering, Stefan pleads with William to use the crucifix, and dagger contained within, to kill him. Stefan’s fate rests in the hands of William, who must choose if his pity for the priest is worth risking his life, or his mortality.

NO NO NO. NO! Did I mention no yet? Here, let me screech it again:

NO.

DO NOT write the entire plot and the ENDING in a query letter.

NO!

Write only enough to entice me to read on.

IMMORTAL DECISION is a 105,000 urban fantasy debut. Thank you for your consideration.

Sincerely,

This is both better and worse. The writing is worse because it's hurried; you're rushing to revise and not letting it sit long enough. You've got typos and missing words. That's fixable.

Once you get rid of everything before "Stefan’s greatest desire" you've got the structure of the query in working order.

This is still a form rejection but it's better than it was.
-----------------------
Dear Query Shark,

It is 1808; a sadistic vampire stalks a priest and attacks him. Lying on the ground, the priest prays for the monster’s soul. Enraged, the vampire does the unspeakable, dropping his tainted blood into the mouth of the priest, turning him into a vampire. The priest keeps journals, from that point on, detailing his emotional struggle with what he has become.

This is all backstory saying essentially the priest is a vampire who keeps a journal. It's not really the start of the story.

Two hundred years later, William receives an unexpected inheritance, removing the black cloud of unemployment and poverty that has hovered over him for years.

A 200-year-old vampire receives an inheritance? From whom? His mom?

His new inheritance requires him to go to an acquired estate in Romania. He is summoned there by Stefan, the current resident and master at the estate and he knows more about William than he should.

The first sentence says the will or terms of the inheritance requires him to go to Romania. The second says he's summoned there by Stefan. That seems either contradictory or unclear.

Also, we're still not at where the story starts yet.

Stefan’s demeanor is frightening and he even admits to murder. Stefan has one request of William, and that is to read the journals of the vampire priest. William struggles to believe Stefan’s promise to keep him safe as he pours over the journals, and comes to grips with the reality of the supernatural world.

Wait. Wait. William isn't the vampire priest? I'm REALLY confused here. In the second paragraph you introduce "William" as though we've seen him before. I thought he was the priest.
Only now does it seem he's not (which also explains the inheritance snafu.)

We're still not where the story starts either.

Upon completion of the journals he comes face-to-face the reality that Stefan is the vampire priest and the real reason he has been asked to read the journals. The priest wants William to kill him, and he believes William needs to live through the gamut of the priest’s emotions.

Here's the start of the story ----->;William must decide whether to keep his soul and life intact, or to risk it all to end the suffering of the vampire priest.

I have this horrible feeling we're at the end of the book. If this is the first choice William has to make it's really where the story starts.

You've got the entire story listed here, instead of the enticing (we hope) first bit. Narrow down what you're going to tell me. Focus on the first choice William has to make so we get a sense of the plot.

Remember a query letter is not a synopsis. Entice me to read on, don't tell me everything that happens.

IMMORTAL DECISION is a 100,000 word debut fantasy novel. Thank you for your time and consideration.

I don't think this is a fantasy novel. I think it's urban fantasy, or paranormal suspense. This isn't my area of expertise though, so listen to what the commenters say.

Sincerely,

I'm confused by who is what. The plot seems to start at the end of the novel.
This makes for a form rejection.

------------------
Dear Query Shark:

I am the author of (redacted), published by Publish America.

And that's where I stop reading. If you've had a book printed by any of these template houses that profess to publish but in fact do not offer any of the additional value of a publisher, for the love of Mike, don't mention it. Ever.

This is not a publishing credential. It's also a huge disadvantage. Once you've published a book, you're no longer a debut author. It's MUCH easier to sell a debut novel than a second or third from a writer who hasn't enjoyed robust sales.

Now that I am finished writing my next piece of work, I am seeking representation.

This is pointless. I know you're looking for an agent because you queried me. I know the work is finished because you know not to query before the work is done.

My point here is you have 250 words to get my attention. Don't waste them on warm up stuff that doesn't get us to What Is Your Book About?

Through my extensive search of the web, I discovered your blog.

You're joking right? If you needed an extensive search of the web to find this blog, I can't even imagine what keywords you started with. "Kind and gentle literary agent" probably. If you simply google Literary Agents my agent blog is #15.

More to the point though, this is again pointless. Unless you have a specific connection for why you found me or are querying me, you don't need to mention it.

My manuscript is a contemporary 114,000 word fantasy, that’s sure to please both male and female readers.

Because of course saying it would please "everyone" is too general right? This again says nothing.

People's reading tastes are more specific than gender. Not all women like the same book. Nor do all men. If you're trying to say it will appeal to men as well as women, that's slightly better but that's not what you said.

This is where you want to start your query. ------->Will is a thirty-four years old, dirt-poor, laid-off yet again, in the depths of depression and hoping for a better life when he is given the gift of a lifetime, an unexpected inheritance that changes his life.

With this new life comes a daunting task when he is whisked away to Romania to read two hundred years worth of journals. These are not journals of any ordinary man or woman, but a priest that was maliciously turned into a vampire.

Well, they're clearly not even the journals of an un-ordinary woman, since they are the journals of a priest. This kind of over writing is what kills a query. Hone your prose.

While Will struggles to wrap his mind around the reality of the supernatural world, his life and future hang in the balance.

Why? Here's where you actually get to the point that's interesting. Here's where the plot starts. Who's the antagonist? What choice does Will have to make?

For the journals lead Will to the truth about his future and the truth of those that surround him. Fate brings Will face-to-face with the Vampire Priest and is forced to make the Immortal Decision.

This is movie announcer phrases, and meaningless without visuals. What specifically is going on?

I appreciate your time and would be humbled if you would consider reading sample chapters of Immortal Decision.

NEVER EVER EVER dismiss yourself this way. Be humbled my ass. You are not a beggar. Don't act like one.

You've made every single mistake in the book, including being published by PublishAmerica but you are a writer, and as such you deserve courtesy and respect.

Pleased, sure. Grateful, ok. Humbled, no, no, no.

I never want to see this in a query from a writer EVER. I don't care if you ARE, don't ever say it. Don't even think it.

If you become my client, we are on the same team. We are colleagues. You're not a fucking supplicant.

Sincerely,

This is form rejection for a lot of reasons, but mostly cause you didn't tell me what the book was about in a way that made me want to read it.

#175-REVISED

2010-09-05T08:11:00.006-04:00

Dear Query Shark,

Investigative reporter Avery Bonelli became Chiquita non grata when deep-cover CIA agent Logan Nash accused her of publishing national secrets and ruining his career. Two years later, Nash shows up in her apartment covered in blood, and promises a scoop that will get her back in the big leagues--all she has to do is trust him.

oh I am so in. This really works: it SHOWS rather than tells with things like Chiquita non-grata.

Following Nash’s scoop, Avery investigates a series of high profile murders with terrorism implications. Instead of finding something she can publish, she discovers ~~that~~ all the victims were involved in leaking a the top-secret CIA mission into her mailbox two years ago; the mission file that Nash accused her of stealing.

The difference between "a" and "the" doesn't seem like much does it? Kind of picky to notice it. Well, I do notice it. They convey very different nuances of what the mission in her mailbox was: "a" means it is one among many, not specific; "the" is specific, the one mission that was in her mailbox. She didn't have two or ten there, she had just "the" one.

THIS is the kind of attention to detail in your writing that I look for. No, it doesn't make the difference in whether I will read pages, or perhaps even want to sign you as a client.

Where it makes the difference is in how much editorial work I'll have to invest to get this ready to send to an editor You want to SHOW me your book will be as close to perfect, right down to "the" not "a." And you do want to be that perfect. After all, this is your book, you want to get it right, don't you?

Now Avery feels the weight of a bulls-eye on her back as more people involved with the stolen file get ~~slaughtered~~ killed. She needs to identify the assassin and expose him before her personal obituary makes headlines. Outgunned, she trusts her life to Logan Nash even though all the evidence tells her Nash is the killer she’s trying to find.

Again, slaughtered is not the best word. It's not a synonym for "killed." Slaughtered is the savage and excessive killing of many people. There's a quality of the impersonal in "slaughtered."

Killed is more personal, and doesn't invoke people as a group, but people targeted individually.

When I jump up and down and holler about the importance of slow editing, this is exactly what I'm talking about. Does every single word mean what you want it to mean? Does it convey exactly what you want to convey.

VICARIOUS is a 105,000-word thriller.

Enclosed is a sample chapter.

Thanks for your consideration.

I'd request pages here, no doubt about it, but fervently hoping the manuscript doesn't have more of this kind of not-quite-right word choices.

-----------------
Avery Bonilla
123 Shark-Meat St.
On the corner of Acceptance Ln. and Pet Peeve Pl.
Blog Follower, NY 00000
555-555-5555

ok, hilarious yes, but you know not to put your return address FIRST in an email query right? I've ranted about this at length.
Dear Ms. Query Shark,

Investigative reporter Avery Bonilla became Chiquita non grata when ex-CIA operative Logan Nash accused her of stealing national secrets. Two years later, Nash shows up in her apartment covered in blood, and promises a scoop that can get her back in the big leagues--all she has to do is trust him.

This is a really good opening. It's enticing. It sets up what looks like a real plot. I'm ready to like this.

Desperate to get back into journalism, Avery helps Nash investigate a terrorist bombing that killed his father and thirty-two others. She still hates him for destroying her career, but his charm makes it hard to keep her hands off his pecs and his … 21st digit. After all, she just broke off an engagement, and you can’t just go cold-turkey on men. It’s unhealthy.

And splat right here. It's hard to make a terrorist bombing sprightly and humorous. The tone of the writing (sprightly, humorous) doesn't match the content (terrorism)

But Avery uncovers a conspiracy that’s more hazardous to her health than Y-chromosome withdrawals. The terrorist attack was engineered by the CIA to protect one man from an FBI investigation: Nash’s father, chief engineer of an airborne strain of HIV. And he’s still alive. Now she’s hunted by people who believe she’s a threat to their virus project and to the terrorist’s identity. Avery becomes a subject in her own story and she’ll have to trust her life to the man who just might turn out to be the terrorist she’s been hunting.

Whoa. You want to be lighthearted about airborne HIV and bio-terrorism. Yikes. No.

VICARIOUS, a 111,000-word espionage-thriller, is Jack Reacher muscle on a Stephanie Plum diet. It’s one of five finalists in the 2010 (redacted) Contest on (redacted).

Well, one good thing about comparisons is they show instantly why this doesn't work. Stephanie Plum books are lots of fun to read of course, but you'll notice they aren't about serious topics. Jack Reacher isn't lighthearted. Yes you can pair the two but that's a platypus; nothing quite looks or feels right.

Enclosed are five sample pages.

The five pages you attached don't mention either character or any of the plot you cover in the query letter. It's as though you sent five pages that have nothing to do with this query.

That's one of the (many) problems with prologues. When you query with pages, start with chapter one, page one. Leave OUT the prologue.

Thank you for your consideration.

This is a form rejection.

#174-Revised 4x FTW

2010-08-29T10:02:00.044-04:00

Dear QueryShark:

When personal injury attorney Addy Giordano is hired by a client who claims to have a horrific injury that causes the worse pain known to man, Addy is willing to do just about anything to prove that her client is the real deal and not pushing an insurance scam to its limit.

There ya go! This is exactly right. Main character, and her problem. The only thing we're missing here are the stakes. What happens if she fails?

As she searches for the truth about her client, Addy uncovers some secrets that could make or break the case – not to mention her legal career.

And there are the stakes! Yes yes yes!

With a trial date on the horizon, Addy’s job description gets hazier by the second. She isn't sure if she should be a lawyer who is supposed to present the facts, a juror who is supposed to determine the truth or a private investigator who is supposed to expose insurance fraud.

Nice!

Addy is sure about one thing; she wants to sock it to All American Insurance Company where it hurts the most – their pocket. God knows they have cheated so many of her worthy clients over the years. Plus, teaching All American’s defense counsel a lesson would be an added bonus. He has pulled off too many undeserved victories in the courtroom – not to mention the bedroom.

Yes!

Suited up for an award winning performance in a navy pin-stripe ensemble and her personal version of war paint, Addy marches to trial and decides to do whatever it takes to serve up some justice – even if it’s after the jury is long gone.

Yes!

~~Personal Injury~~ PERSONAL INJURY is a legal novel. It is complete at 95,000 words. I have worked as an insurance defense trial lawyer for eighteen years.

Thank you for your consideration.

Well, nobody should ever underestimate you! You took A Query That Did Not Work, and got it into fighting trim.

This is a total win.

Take this puppy out for a spin and see the requests for fulls (I hope!) come in!

Very nice revision!

-----------------
Dear QueryShark:

It hasn’t been easy for Addy Giordano to maintain a sense of dignity while working in an area of the law associated with phony claims and ambulance chasers. In spite of this, when she lands the biggest personal injury case of her career, Addy decides it’s time to prove that not all personal injury plaintiffs are out to beat the system.

You don't have enough time and space in a query for all this description. Get to the story.

Addy definitely wants to sock it to All American Insurance Company where it hurts the most – their pocket. God knows they have cheated so many of her worthy clients over the years. Plus, teaching All American’s defense counsel a lesson or two would be an added bonus. He has pulled off too many undeserved victories in the courtroom – not to mention the bedroom. A big win for Addy would definitely put a stop to counsel’s soapbox about how jury trials are popularity contests, how Addy is naïve and how her clients are liars.

More than anything else, Addy needs a big win to prove to herself that there are still some good, honest people out there, and that she can make a difference in their lives. After all, it was her compassion for the weak and wounded that made her want to go to law school in the first place. To Addy, being bamboozled by her most promising client would be worse than losing to All American or hearing “I told you so” from defense counsel.

~~It’s Addy’s last chance to get the last word; it’s time for her to win and save face or lose and lose faith.~~
~~Addy will need more than her quick-wit, good looks and superhero mentality to convince a jury that her client is the real deal this time.~~ the story----->Her client was in a minor accident but is claiming a major injury that is supposed to cause the worst pain known to man. To make matters worse, Addy’s client has some secrets and crimes against insurance companies are never easily proven – especially when the injury claimed can’t be seen on an x-ray or diagnosed by a test.

While searching for the truth about her client, Addy’s job description gets hazier by the second. She’s not sure if she should be a lawyer who is supposed to present the facts, a juror who is supposed to determine the truth or a private investigator who is supposed to expose insurance fraud.

Defense counsel’s job description is clear; he’s an actor who is hired to entertain the jury, distort the truth and win.

Suited up for her own award winning performance in a navy pin-stripe ensemble and her personal version of war paint, Addy marches to trial and decides to do whatever it takes to serve up some justice – even if it’s after the jury is long gone.

Personal Injury is a legal thriller. It is complete at 95,000 words. I have worked as an insurance defense trial lawyer for eighteen years.

This is really not a thriller. I'm still not sure what it is, but "legal novel" or "commercial fiction" or maybe even "women's fiction" are more likely than "thriller."

This query clocks in at 485 words which means it's about twice as long as it should be. The 250 word maximum should guide you to paring down to what you really need. Think of it as writing a prose poem, where every word counts.

Right now you have a lot of description but not much substance. For all the description of Addy, I don't really care about her. She's a lawyer intent on doing good. Ok...and?

This doesn't work yet.

-------------------------
Dear Query Shark

Addy Giordano is out to prove she’s no ambulance chaser when she lands the biggest personal injury case of her legal career. She has her work cut out for her though; Addy’s client was in a minor rear-end accident but is claiming a major injury that is supposed to cause the worst pain known to man.

Why is she out to prove anything? If she believes in the value of her work, and she's got a successful career, she's long past paying attention to anyone who calls her an ambulance chaser.

Unless of course it's her mother who's saying that.

To make matters worse, Addy’s client has some secrets and her injury can’t be proven by a test or seen on an x-ray.

In order to prove that her client is the real deal, Addy is led through medical school man-caves, convenience marts, paper factories, Italian diners, dead-end roads, theater classes and the backseat of her father’s 1973 Impala.

This is a list of events (I think.) What it's not is a sense of what's at stake for Addy. She loses the case. So what? She's not going to get disbarred, lose her house, lose her life is she? No. So what's at stake for her?

Along the way, Addy battles the personal agendas of doctors and insurance companies and the axe grinding of judges and other lawyers. Addy also teaches the razzle dazzle defense attorney from her past a thing or two about honesty, compassion and one night stands.

And more events without context. This is still not a plot.

The jury is left to decide if Addy’s client is truly injured or pushing an insurance scam to its limit.

And so what, again. There's nothing here about Addy.

Unfortunately, the defense attorney knows how to put on a hell of a show and Addy has found out the hard way that juries seem to lose sight of the truth during the theatrics of a trial. Fortunately, Addy also knows a thing or two about show business.

Addy’s role as an injury lawyer becomes hazier by the second, but she decides to do whatever it takes to serve up some justice – even if it’s after the jury is long gone.

Here's the first glimmer of something that might be a plot. What is she doing that isn't her role as an injury lawyer?

Personal Injury is a mystery and is complete at 94K words.

It's not a mystery. I'm not sure what this is, but there's no crime as far as I can tell.

I have worked as an insurance defense trial attorney for eighteen years.

Yea, and you're hamstrung by what you know can be real. This is a novel. You get to make stuff up. Go crazy. Invent stuff. LIE under oath!

~~I appreciate the chance to forward this query for your consideration.~~

Thank you for your time and consideration.

This is better, and less clunky, than the first versions but I don't see the plot at all.

There's certainly no crime.

That's pretty much a directed verdict for a form rejection.

Start over.

Show me what the stakes are for Addy.

---------------------------------------------------
Dear QueryShark,

Allison Giordano is no ambulance chaser. With a briefcase in her hand and three inch pumps on her feet, she’s ready to show the “old school” boys a thing or two about personal injury law.

She's not going to have the briefcase on her feet or her pumps on her hands, so you don't need to tell us that's where they are. That's the kind of over writing that bodes ill for a manuscript.

Ally wants to be taken seriously but the type of law she practices is flooded with people trying to scam the system. It doesn’t help that she works for a guy who stars in cheesy late night television commercials. It also doesn’t help that she has a paralegal whose favorite task is gathering accident reports from the police station. To make matters even worse, All American Insurance Company is headquartered in the city where Ally works.

This is actually a better starting paragraph than what you have because it gives us a sense of what Ally wants. (I can not stress enough how much you need to change her name to something that is not immediately associated with a television show)

If Ally wants to be taken seriously why is she working for a cheeseball? You don't need any of this anyway. All you need is the first line.

Whiplash and low back sprains make for a monotonous day. So does dating an accountant during tax season. Ally’s seven month relationship with Michael Novak doesn’t give her any fun stories to share at her girls’ nights out. Plus, to her Italian family, a seven month relationship is four months too long without an engagement ring.

All of this is description without any kind of momentum.

Ally’s monotony at work becomes mayhem when she agrees to represent a woman who tore her rotator cuff in an intersection collision. Although it has nothing to do with the client’s injury claim, Ally learns that her client has a psychiatric illness that causes her to turn into various alter egos. Ally is forced to contend with two of them; a southern gal and a pirate.

When you read this, can you see how clunky it is? One of the things you need to develop is the ability to edit yourself. All first drafts (and most second and third drafts!) suck. That's ok. The trick is to see what needs to be fixed.

Consider this: Monotony becomes mayhem when a client turns out to be multiple...multiple personality. Ally meets a southern belle and a pirate. The question is which one got injured?

Of course, all of this has to come out because, as it turns out, it's not the main plot. That's the next paragraph.

Ally thinks her luck is finally changing when she meets Robyn Dillon. Robyn was in a severe rear-end automobile accident and has been diagnosed with trigeminal neuralgia. Although Ally has never heard of this condition, she learns from her client’s doctors that the condition causes the worst pain known to man.

This is still very clunky. As a lawyer, you're used to spelling everything out. You can leave out at least half this paragraph and not only will it be less clunky, it will be more enticing.

Here: Ally's luck changes with Robyn Dillon, injured in severe car crash and now diagnosed with the condition doctors believe is the worst pain people can have...not that they can see it, measure it or test for it.

Of course, the insurance company and its defense attorney, Nicolas Sourvanos, haven’t heard of trigeminal neuralgia either. They learn that the condition lends itself well to insurance fraud since it is diagnosed based on what the patients says. There are no objective tests that can confirm its existence.

Again, clunky. Again, trim.

Ally learns that Nick will defend the case. Nick is no stranger to Ally. He was her law school classmate and prior one night stand – twice. He won their last trial together on nothing more than his charisma and ability to distort the facts. In his fifteen hundred dollar suits and tasseled loafers, Nick never misses an opportunity to taunt Ally about the legitimacy of her clients’ claims.

If Ally ends up with Nick at the end of the book there's got to something enticing about him. This paragraph makes him sound like a sleazeball, and certainly NOT someone I want to spend time with. That's death for a hero in a novel.

Ally prepares Robyn’s case as if it will go to trial. She raises the stakes by investing her own personal savings in the case. Then, she uncovers some secrets about Robyn’s past that make the legitimacy of her claim questionable.

Ally is quick to confront Robyn. However, Robyn provides a very credible explanation for why she withheld information about her past. Just to make sure Robyn’s claim is legitimate, Ally goes as far as conducting surveillance. She even invites Nick along.

In the absence of any conclusive evidence that Robyn is a fraud, Ally reaches for her dark navy suit and marches to trial. The jury returns a seven figure verdict in Robyn’s favor.

Months after the trial, Ally sees Robyn with the man who caused the accident that led to Robyn’s lawsuit. This makes it likely that the two of them staged the accident.

Although she’s enraged that Robyn scammed her, Ally accepts what she already knew; the courtroom is a place for lawyers to put on a show and not a place for lawyers to determine the truth.

She puts on her suit, grabs her briefcase, goes to work and moves forward with her next personal injury case.

Don't tell the entire story. Stop at the point where I want to read more.

Personal Injury is my debut novel. I have worked for twenty years as a trial attorney specializing in personal injury defense litigation.

Personal Injury is Romantic adventure, Chick-lit. It is complete at 90,000 words.

Pick one, and not any of those. I'm pretty sure I said this is a romance novel on your first version. Chick lit isn't hyphenated, and Never EVER use it in a query. The category is dead on arrival.

Thank you for your consideration.

This version is 649 words. Queries should run 250.

Clunky writing means this is a form rejection. I can and do overlook a lot of structural problems with a query, but if the writing doesn't hold up, even perfect form won't help at all.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear QueryShark,

She’s no ambulance chaser. She’s Ally Giordano, the idealistic, sometimes naïve, always quirky plaintiff’s personal injury trial lawyer.

My reaction here is "so what" This is not the reaction you want. You want to entice me to read on. Is this enticing? No. Why not? Because you have done nothing but describe someone who sounds like a ditz.

Even tightening up the writing here will go a long way toward solving that problem.

Consider this: Ally Giordano is no ambulance chaser.

Leave out the description. SHOW us that she's all those things. With just that one sentence you get me to ask "ok then, what is she?"

Ally is quick on her feet, confident and is ready to show “the man” a thing or two. Her success never goes to her head. Deep down she’s a blue collar girl from a manufacturing town fighting for justice amidst all the nut-jobs and crack-pots she meets along the way.

And you're simply compounding the problem of paragraph one here; more description. All bland. None enticing.

I don't stop reading here because I'm hoping that it will get better.

Ally is in the midst of the largest personal injury case of her career. Her client sustained a debilitating neurological injury from a rear-end automobile accident – or so she claims.

You've got a syntax problem that makes me reach for the "thanks but no thanks" form reply.
The problem is "or so she claims" could mean the client claims, or it could mean Ally claims.

It's not totally clear to me. I know it is to you, and my guess is you mean the client claims, but one of the things a beta reader can help with on queries, is getting you to see stuff that you're too familiar with to be objective to see any longer. This is one of those things.

With the help of her neurotic Italian family and her flamboyant paralegal, the empathetic Ally is determined to help her sweet little client fight the evil large insurance company.

And we're done. I'd stop reading right here. If you're trying to be sardonic "sweet little client/evil large insurance company" it doesn't work because you can't just suddenly be sardonic. If you are actually writing a novel that has characters like this, you're writing a novel with cardboard cutouts. That sweet little client better have a dark side, and that evil large insurance company better have a heart, or you don't have anyone very interesting in the book.

In order to do so, Ally will be up against Nick Sourvanos, the insurance company’s handsome and savvy defense lawyer. Nick is Ally’s ex-boyfriend - of sorts. He is the polar opposite of Ally’s steady accountant boyfriend. Although Ally and Nick continually fight for the last word, they can’t seem to get enough of each other.

I'm sorry but this is such a cliche that I can't even offer a suggestion for revision.

Nick’s pessimism about the legitimacy of personal injury claims challenges Ally’s convictions about the sanctity of the legal system. Especially since her client’s neurological injury lends itself well to insurance fraud.

You've got too much going on here. Nowhere here do I get a sense of what the plot is. I get the sense of your cast of characters, but that's all.

Ally uncovers a series of facts about her client that makes the legitimacy of her injury claim questionable. Having faith in people, honesty and the legal system, Ally discounts the facts and marches forward with blinders on.

Why do you want to make your protagonist, the character with whom we are to sympathize and root for, sound like an idiot?

Unable to settle the case, Ally takes it to trial. Will the jury do the right thing? Will she teach Nick a thing or two about people? Will Ally’s faith in the legal system be confirmed? Does Ally really want to win the battle if it means loosing the war?

Don't do this. Don't ask rhetorical questions about the plot of the book. It invites the worst form of sardonic response in my head (not what you want) and it doesn't entice me to read on.

What other adventures are on the horizon for Ally?

Revisions are in store for Ally. Lots of them.

Personal Injury is my debut novel. I have worked as a trial lawyer specializing in personal injury defense for twenty years.

Yup, I figured that out in paragraph four. Like many professionals turning their hand to novel writing, you know too much about your field. It's really really hard to get doctors/lawyers etc to see that plot trumps process in a novel. By this I mean your characters and your plot have to be more interesting than the scenes about jury selection and speeches about the sanctity of the legal system (which is not a phrase I understand at all, but that's another story)

Personal injury is a humorous, legal romantic suspense novel.
And a partridge in a pear tree.

You get to pick one category. Two at the MOST. Four is (4-2) two too many. The first category to go is "humorous" because that's the most subjective. The second is "legal" because the legal part should be secondary to the story. The third one to go is suspense, since what you've described above isn't suspense. You have, most likely, a romance novel here.

It is compete at 90,000 words. It could be the first in a series.

Thank you for your consideration.

This is a form rejection.

#173-Revised 2x

2010-08-21T15:11:00.135-04:00

Dear Query Shark,

Yvonne, an internationally renowned ballerina and choreographer, is between life and death, in coma, for an extended period, as a result of an attempt on her life. George Stenner, a writer who has for years followed her career, with a view at preparing an authorized biography, is convinced by her family to speed up his work.

This is a very static opening. There's nothing intriguing here.

Inspired by Yvonne's memorabilia and her diary, he starts writing instead an impressionistic, sensitive and personal novel about her, covering more than three decades. Mesmerized by her personality, he decides to go about it by focusing on the changes in her character, on her way of thinking, on her inner life. He decides to place the narrative point of view squarely on her, and crafts many parts in first voice or even in stream-of-consciousness fashion to render her as faithfully as possible.

oh god, this is an agent's version of hell: a book about the structure of a book? YIKES!!! You're on the wrong foot here. You're telling us about things we don't have any investment in, and worse, it's about something that's removed from the events themselves: a recounting of the events.

This is where I'd stop reading.

He finds that her adolescence in ballet school, with all its ebullience, is easy enough to write. Stenner decides to skip the period of stardom as a ballerina in her twenties, and to swing all his energy in the Yvonne's rough years of transition from being a very physical ballerina to being a remarkably cerebral and creative choreographer. Yvonne was very successful in this passage, a rare feat, and Stenner's ultimate ambition is to capture the wonder of this journey of self-discovery, of her inspiration, of her mental process, all on the background of her complicated liaisons.

This is all telling. You're telling me about ebullience, not showing it.

Going into these relationships is tantamount to stepping onto mined terrain, but only by looking into them may Stenner hope to inch toward solving the final mistery, the one that is so close to leading to Yvonne's demise.

Please remember to run spell check before you send queries. It won't catch homonyms but at the very least it will catch "mistery"

I am seeking representation for KITES, a 120,000-word literary novel ~~about the challenge of change, about spurring one's imagination, about lust and envy.~~ That is absolutely not what the novel is about. I don't know what it's about but generally about gives us a sense of what happens. Plot. This is my second novel.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

This version doesn't work at all. Start over. Look at what I've said before. Start with Yvonne. Show us what happens.

------------------------------
Dear Query Shark,

Set over three decades, this is the story of Yvonne facing the most challenging issue for a ballerina: how to change herself, her entire creative makeup and outlook, in order to remain more than a blip on
the radar of her art, while fighting the time's onslaught.

When I see the phrase "this is a story of/about" I know you're going to be telling not showing. That's a warning sign.

Consider this: Yvonne faces the ultimate challenge of a ballerina: (and then what the challenge is).

See the difference? One is telling. The other is showing.

Her first twenty years in dancing are cocooned in the love of her parents, in the guidance of others, and astonishingly physical. She trusts her body and it generously responds to her spurring it. Too bad
some of her classmates don't share in the good vibes of her, just sixteen, getting a main part in "Don Quixote" with the National Ballet. Still, there can't be anything wrong in making a move on
Tony, one of the young male stars of the company, even though she's just a teenager.

Here's where I'd stop reading. This paragraph is absurdly jumbled. You've got her parents (never mentioned again), Tony (never mentioned again), her body (never mentioned again), her classmates (never mentioned again), and the National Ballet (never mentioned again). And you have them all in the same paragraph with no topic sentence that tells me how they fit in the story.

Only a decade and a bit later, it's as though past success as a soloist and her own desire to continue to dance don't quite carry the day when confronted with directors' take that the shelf life of a ballerina is shorter than a rose's. Suddenly, having three on-and-off lovers seems to be less appealing than before, even more so when the best candidate for something long-term, Patrick, a principal dancer himself, isn't into playing paternity.

The first sentence literally does not make sense. "It's as though" is the culprit. You're also telling (her own desire instead of her desire) rather than showing. And who the hell is Patrick and what does "playing paternity" mean? I think you mean he's not interested in having children, but why is that an issue? Is she pregnant?

Switching to choreography seems the only avenue that would still allow her to remain in her beloved art, but there are the high hurdles of the inspiration and of the will to motivate others that she must bring to the table.

When you read that sentence out loud does it sound right to you? For starters, you've got one sentence in three tenses. That's not good.

And what are "high hurdles of the inspiration"? And "high hurdles of the will?"

Quit trying to be fancy. Be plain.

Reinforcements seem to come from inner sources and channels fed by her practice of raising kites since childhood.

What the hell is "raising kites?"

What mental changeover?

However, at the height of her newly-found fame, when preparing a show in Berlin, she feels sabotaged. Years of envy and jealousy, some of them of the amorous persuasion, perhaps, seem to have found too palpable an expression. And the challenge is the ultimate one when, just one year later, an attempt, which may well be successful in its aim, is made on her life.

I have no clear idea of what you're saying here. She "feels sabotaged." Is she? Who's envious and jealous? And now someone is trying to kill her?

I am seeking representation for KITES, a 120,000-word literary novel about the challenge of change, about spurring one's imagination, about lust and envy. This is my second novel.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

This is a mess. Start over. Limit yourself to sentences of ten words or fewer. Pick each of the words with an eye for specificity and clarity. That's the bare bones of a query. From that, you can revise into longer sentences if you need to but ONLY if you need to for the sake of clarity.

Think of this as barre work. Only when you can do all five positions with your feet do you get to strap on your toe shoes and dance. You're not there yet.

-----------

Dear Query Shark,

YVONNE (39) is all into her ballet and modern dance. By now, she has successfully managed that rare feat of going from dancing to choreography. However, when she is between life and death as a result of an attempt on her life, the time machines need rewinding, in a search for light.

Don't capitalize the names of characters or put their ages in brackets. That's script format, not query letters for novels.

You're starting in the wrong place. Start where the story begins. If the novel is told in flashback, the story starts where the flashback starts.

And in that unfolding story she is again in ballet school facing the barre, debuting in "Don Quixote" at sixteen through the envy of schoolmates like TABITHA and her ilk. Later on, now thirtysomething, with no dancing offers and having left behind the womanizing PATRICK, her former lover, she bleeds to somehow stay in ballet and dance. A new tack to her imagination and to her life emerges of all places from having flown kites with her father for years, and she switches to choreography.

In paragraph (A) below, you tell me this is a novel about lust, envy and imagination. Yet what you say in this paragraph doesn't SHOW me any of that. This is usually why I holler so much about telling me what happens in a novel. Usually that's the way to get "show" rather than "tell" on the page.

If you have a character-driven, rather than plot-driven novel, you've got to have superb language. There's nothing here that shows me anything new or fresh. It feels like an old story (woman reviews life as she faces death) told without new insight.

Yet, on the crest of fresh fame, while putting on an international modern ballet show in Berlin, she feels she is being sabotaged. And now, at this hour right after the hit on her, the doubts are mounting.

(A)I am seeking representation for KITES, a 120,000-word literary novel about the challenge of change, about spurring one's imagination, about lust and envy. This is my second novel.

I logged four glorious years in my youth eating in the same cafeteria with students of a national ballet school, while filling my eyes with their wonderful ways of moving about. I'm still in touch with many of them.

None of that matters. It's also ironic that this paragraph is the only paragraph with any vitality.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

This is a form rejection.

#172-FTW

2010-08-21T14:54:00.006-04:00

Dear QueryShark:

Segorian Anderson is an Idiot. But that’s fine with him. It’s a well paying job with no heavy lifting.

If you walked past Segorian, you’d forget him before you even saw him. It isn’t a magic power, he just has the sort of face his own mother could forget. She’s been trying to for years. But being forgettable is a job requirement for an Idiot.

No, he's not the Court Jester. He doesn’t wear motley (whatever motley may be), that's a different union. He’s the Idiot. In a Queen’s castle, wine spilt down the wrong dress can lead to a declaration of war. So someone unimportant has to be blamed for it, and that’s the Idiot’s job. He’s the Idiot that did it, for any value of ‘it’. Of course, as soon as he’s exiled-for-life out of the castle gate, he uses his back-door key and sneaks in. To wait for next time.

Everybody needs an Idiot. Queen Sonea of Peladon has Segorian.

But that's not all the job. Someday, something really bad will happen. Really, really bad. Badder than a bad thing on a very bad day with extra badness. When your Top Guns are more Top Gones, when the world’s about to end (or the washing up won’t get done – whichever comes first), who you gonna call? No, not them. They haven’t been invented yet. You call the Idiot, so you can risk someone nobody will miss if things don’t work out. And now Peladon has a case of dragon.

But the dragon may be the easy part. Segorian has woman trouble, and he’s the only person in the castle that doesn’t know it. Because to Segorian, women are an open book. The problem is, he never learned to read.

A COMEDY OF TERRORS is a comic fantasy of 51,000 words. The author has never saved a small country from a dragon. He is, however, both male and married and feels well qualified in the field of Idiocy.

My thanks in advance for your time and attention. As per your published guidelines I enclose ( whatever they ask for - the first five pages and a short synopsis) for your consideration.

Sincerely

This query breaks every rule I've yammered about in terms of content. Who's the antagonist? What choices does Segorian face? Who knows...and who cares?! Not me. I just want to read this. That is a query that works.

The SOLE purpose of the query is to get me to read your book. IF you can do that without following any of the guidelines, be my guest.

This is hilarious.

I'd read pages.
I'd pray they were good,.

#171-Revised 6x

2010-08-16T23:14:00.071-04:00

Dear QueryShark:

Frankie Donovan owes Nicky a debt he'll never forget. It sent Nicky to prison and Frankie to the police academy. He vows to be different than the dirty cops he knew growing up, but every day is a struggle to keep the oath.~~, and he~~ He longs for the days when he and Nicky ruled the neighborhood.

Frankie goes to see Nicky when he gets out of prison, (you're missing connective tissue here) but Nicky soon disappears, resurfacing months later with a mysterious late-night call. He tells Frankie he has evidence against the head of a mob family and needs help.

The clauses in a sentence need to follow logically. Unless Nicky disappears because of Frankie's visit, those two events don't belong in the same sentence. You're missing the connective tissue if you want both phrases. The question is: do you need them? You've got to develop an ear and eye for this.

After two months and no word from Nicky, the murders start. Now Frankie has five bodies with mob connections, and the evidence points to someone from the old neighborhood. He can’t imagine it's Nicky, but when the other suspects end up dead, he has no doubt.

You really love those compound sentences! As you build tension, the sentences should get shorter, the words sharper. You don't always need complete sentences. (You get to break the rules on purpose if you want to; you can't break the rules by mistake)

Frankie is now in a quandary. He doesn't give a shit about the dead mobsters, but he owes Nicky. It's time for Frankie to decide if he wants to be a cop, or a gangster. And he has to do it before Nicky gets to him.

MURDER TAKES TIME ~~is the first in the FRIENDSHIP AND HONOR series.~~

Put in the word count here.

I'm not jazzed about announcing a book is a series in the query letter. The reason is not that I don't want to take on books that can be series because I do. Most editors want books that can be the start of a series.

I'm very suspicious that "star of a series" means the author has written five sort of ok novels, and not one outstanding novel. I'm particularly afraid of that when I see queries with run-on sentences that aren't quite as polished as I wish. Polishing a novel take a long time. If you think it doesn't you're doing it wrong.

If this is a series, I'd rather see MURDER TAKES TIME (word count) is the first of a potential series. That way you've told me you want it to be a series, but you haven't actually done the writing yet.

This is pretty close to ready to go out. I strongly strongly urge you to hold off on querying until you've had a chance to really look at the novel again, and apply what you've been working on here: fewer long ass sentences; polishing up the prose; energizing your writing.

-------------------------------------

Dear QueryShark:

Frankie Donovan owes Nicky a debt he'll never forget. It sent Nicky to prison and Frankie to the police academy.

When Nicky gets out of prison, he disappears, resurfacing months later with a mysterious late-night call. He tells Frankie he has evidence against the head of a mob family and needs help.
After two months and no word from Nicky, Frankie wonders what happened…then the murders start. Now Frankie has five bodies with mob connections. At each scene he finds evidence that points to someone from the old neighborhood. He can’t imagine it's Nicky, but when the other suspects end up dead, he has no doubt.

Notice how you switch from Frankie being the subject to Nicky here? (Frankie starts the sentence in the first paragraph; Nicky is the subject in the first line of the second paragraph)

This makes the query feel jumbled. Stay with Frankie. He's the main guy. Example: Frankie gets a call from Nicky after he's released. He's got evidence...etc.

This example isn't stellar writing but you get the idea.

Frankie is now in a quandary. He doesn't give a shit about the dead mobsters, but he owes Nicky. It's time for Frankie to decide if he wants to be a cop, or a gangster. And he has to do it before Nicky gets to him.

MURDER TAKES TIME is the first in the FRIENDSHIP AND HONOR series. It is set in Wilmington, Delaware, and Brooklyn, New York.

I don't think the setting matters here. It's a book about the people, not where they are. Brooklyn is evocative, but Wilmington Delaware? Not so much. (Sorry Delaware)

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

It's getting better, but still not there yet. Take your time revising. Develop you ear and eye for taut writing.

----------------
Dear QueryShark:

Frankie Donovan grows up on the wrong side of the law, always loyal to his best friends, Nicky and Tony. He counts the days until he can get out of his house, away from his screaming mother and abusive father. One night, Nicky saves Frankie’s life and changes everything. Tony goes to New York and becomes a mobster, Frankie becomes a cop, and Nicky goes to prison. It is a debt Frankie will never forget.

You're trying to revamp the entire query and that's a good strategy. What you've got to do now is pare down. Everything in that first paragraph is essentially "Frankie owes Nicky a debt he'll never forget. It sent Nicky to prison, and Frankie to the police academy."

When Nicky gets out of prison, Frankie starts hanging out with the old gang, longing for the days when he and Nicky and Tony ruled the neighborhood. Frankie has discovered that life as a cop is not as honorable as he thought. But he took an oath to uphold the law and he abides by it.

~~Then Nicky~~ he disappears, resurfacing months later with a mysterious late-night call. He tells Frankie he has evidence against the head of a mob family and needs Frankie’s help.

After two months go by and no word from Nicky, Frankie wonders what happened…then the murders start. Before long Frankie has five bodies with mob connections. At each scene he finds evidence that points to Nicky or Tony. He can’t imagine it‘s Nicky, but when Tony ends up dead it leaves Nicky as the lone suspect.

I'm going to encourage you to leave Tony out of this. He ends up dead, so he's not one of the main characters even if he started out as one.

Frankie is now in a quandary. He doesn't give a shit about the dead mobsters, but he owes Nicky. It's time for Frankie to decide if he wants to be a cop, or a gangster. And he has to do it before Nicky gets to him.

MURDER TAKES TIME is the first in the FRIENDSHIP AND HONOR series. It is set in Wilmington, Delaware, and Brooklyn, New York.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

This is better, but it still needs polish. Trust your reader to make intuitive leaps with you. Leave out everything you don't need to entice me to read on, EVEN if it's an integral part of the book. I know you can't stuff a query letter like a cannoli.

Still a form rejection, but better.

----------------------
Dear QueryShark:

Frankie Donovan has five brutal murders to solve, and he is baffled by the lack of good leads. ~~But~~ as he sifts through the evidence, certain clues stand out.

At the first scene thirty-two packs of Winstons are lined up on the table. His partner thinks it odd ~~that~~ there are no prints ~~are~~ on them;~~,but~~ Frankie knows it's a message from someone in the old neighborhood. He just has to think back all those years and figure out what it means.

After the second scene, a package is delivered to him with eleven dead roaches. Now Frankie's suspect list narrows to Nicky or Tony, his two best friends. He questions Tony and gets nowhere. Nicky has disappeared.

When a dead rat shows up in the fridge of the latest murder, Frankie knows it’s Nicky. Then Tony ends up dead, and Frankie realizes Nicky is coming after him.

Frankie has no idea why Nicky is doing this, but he has to figure it out before Nicky gets to him.

MURDER TAKES TIME is the first in the FRIENDSHIP AND HONOR series, and is complete at 121,000 words(or whatever number pleases the omniscient agent). It is set in Wilmington, Delaware, and Brooklyn, New York.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

I'm guessing you can hack 20K out of this without losing a single ounce of story just by honing your prose. I've done this for a couple people recently and once they've recovered (by this I mean they no longer need paper bags as inhalers) they see how to trim. My guess is you'll see it too if someone gives your novel some liposuction.

The central problem now is the stakes for the book are "will Nicky get to Frankie." In order to care about that outcome, we've got to care about Frankie. You haven't given us any reason to do so.

It's a lot easier to write queries for thrillers --I don't want the world to blow up if I'm in it after all-- than it is to care about some guy who clearly hangs out with a oddball crowd..or did when he was a kid.

Look back at our poster child for revision and tenacity #119. What finally worked for her was she quit revising the query; instead she took what she'd learned, and wrote a new query with a fresh focus.

You're on your third revision here and I'm still not enticed. Yes, it could be me. My guess though is that it's not.

Take some time. Think.

Form rejection
----------------------------------------------

Dear QueryShark:

Nicky Fusco is the mob’s best hit man. When they give him an assignment to kill a woman who is blackmailing them, things go wrong. Just as he is about to pull the trigger, she twirls her necklace with her finger. That reminds him of the only girl he ever loved. Instead of pulling the trigger, he takes her on the run and marries her.

Ah the ubiquitous shadowy "they." Yuck. Faceless, nameless enemies are boring. Think about it: Darth Vader wasn't truly scary till you heard him breathe. Even though other people were fearful of him, the audience didn't gasp till we heard him.

Avoid formless characters.

Now, knowing that you should avoid formless characters, how do you actually do so?

We don't need to know who gives Fusco the assignment. It's enough to know that he has been given it. That gets "them" out of the picture.

Consider: Nicky Fusco is the mob’s best hit man. His assignment is to kill a woman who is blackmailing the wrong guy.

Now hiding out in Cleveland, he turns to the one person he can trust—Detective Frankie Donovan. ~~He tells Frankie that his wife has evidence against the head of Brooklyn’s crime family.~~ A few days later the mob shows up and kills Nicky’s wife, leaving him for dead.

Ok, "the mob" doesn't show up. Unless it really is a mob of people. Someone shows up. Who?

And you undercut any kind of tension or suspense with that sentence that is now struck out. See paragraph (4) below.

Convinced that Frankie betrayed him, Nicky heads out to get the revenge ~~he promised his dying wife.~~ First, he kills the ones who shot her, leaving evidence at every scene that lets Frankie know he’s coming. According to the laws of the old neighborhood, he is saving Frankie for last.

Cut out every single thing you don't absolutely have to have. We don't need to know (in the query letter) that he promised his dying wife he'd get revenge. We only need to know he's going out to get revenge. Simplify everything to keep this taut.

(4) ~~Meanwhile,~~ Frankie Donovan struggles with the two oaths he took in his life—one when he became a cop, and one with his two best friends when they were eight years old. He is working the worst murders in the city’s history, and the evidence points to Nicky or Tony. He can’t imagine it is Nicky; the last time they spoke he was going to send Frankie evidence against the head of mob family. But when Tony ends up dead, it leaves Nicky as the lone suspect.

No "meanwhile" in a query letter. Ever.

And you've got a HUGE splat here. We're all caught up in Nicky getting revenge, and Frankie being the ultimate target when *splat* you start dropping in backstory.

The line "Frankie Donovan struggles with the two oaths he took in his life—one when he became a cop, and one with his two best friends when they were eight years old. He is working the worst murders in the city’s history, and the evidence points to Nicky or Tony" isn't bad writing at all. It just doesn't work here because we're already far far head of that part of the story.

Consider this: Frankie finds himself working the worst murders in the city's history and all the evidence points to Nicky. But he can't imagine it's Nicky: the last time they spoke Nicky was set to send Frankie evidence against the head of mob family.

Frankie doesn’t care about the five dead mobsters, but he needs to find out why Nicky is doing this. And he needs to do it before Nicky gets to him.

MURDER TAKES TIME is the first in the FRIENDSHIP AND HONOR series, and is complete at 121,000 words. It is set in Wilmington, Delaware, and Brooklyn, New York.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

I'm absolutely convinced that you can cut 20,000 words from this manuscript and end up with a better book. The overwriting I see in queries is ALWAYS present in the novels they're for.

You've also got a pretty straightforward crime/revenge novel here, which is fine. The problem is there's nothing here that makes me think I haven't read or seen this story before and more than once.

Something has to tell me that this book will have fresh/original twist on an old story. I don't see that here, and that means it's a form rejection.

-----------------------------------
Dear Query Shark:

Detective Frankie Donovan took two oaths in his life—one to uphold the law when he became a cop, and one with Nicky and Tony when they were eight years old and inseparable.

This is a long ass sentence. Think of the rhythm of what you write. You're writing a hard-edged crime novel. This is not the place for flowery sentences...unless they're lilies of course.

Consider this: ~~Detective~~ Frankie Donovan took two oaths in his life—one to uphold the law ~~when he became~~ as a cop;~~, and~~ one with Nicky and Tony when they were eight years old ~~and inseparable.~~

Now Tony is a mobster, Nicky is a hit man, and Frankie’s got five brutal murders to solve. ~~To make matters worse,~~ every crime scene has new evidence that points to Nicky as the killer. Frankie knows something is wrong and he's determined to find out what set Nicky off.

You've got a problem here in that we're not sure what "something is wrong" means. Does it mean Nicky isn't really the guy, or is Nicky the guy and something set him off?

With his lieutenant pressuring him on one side, Tony’s mob buddies from the other, and the FBI crawling up his ass trying to prove he’s crooked, the tightrope Frankie’s been walking all these years is getting thinner. His gut tells him he should turn Nicky in, but there was that oath...and Nicky had lived up to his end of it, saving Frankie’s life when they were younger, and earning himself a stint in prison.

So, why is Tony in this? And why is the FBI crawling up his asterisk? What tightrope? Cops don't turn people in...they investigate. Is Frankie investigating all the cases? What points to Nicky? Why would he NOT investigate Nicky? He didn't become a cop to let someone get away with murder did he?

You've got both too much, and not enough here. Not enough that makes this a distinctive compelling story, and too much of what I think of as throat-clearing, or preparation. Dig deeper, and give us some short compelling sentences showing an enticing story.

Frankie shook his head and cursed. The relationship with his friends has forced him to make many tough decisions, and now he faces the toughest one of his life; if he lets Nicky go, he breaks the oath he took as a cop and risks losing his job. But if he tries to bring Nicky in, he breaks an oath he has kept for twenty-five years—and he risks losing his life. Nobody fucked with Nicky Fusco.

Frankie blessed himself and said a prayer. All these years he has kept his honor, never betraying the oath to his friends or the badge, but now one of them would have to go. He stuffed an extra clip in his pocket and headed out. Somebody was going to die today.

No no no. Don't quote the book in your query. It just takes up space you desperately need for other things: showing us what the story is about.

MURDER TAKES TIME is the first in the FRIENDSHIP AND HONOR series, and is complete at 121,000 words. It is set in Wilmington, Delaware, and Brooklyn, New York. ~~I have the second book finished and an outline for two more books.~~

You have not revised and polished enough. I know this two ways: 120K words, and the two paragraphs you included. All the stuff about lean sentences and good energetic rhythm also applies to the book. Compound sentences are not your enemy but use only when needed.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Form rejection. I'm not enticed to read a story that has a formulaic set up, and the two paragraphs show me the book itself needs a lot more revising and polishing.

You're not ready to query yet. Your novel is not done. (I see this a LOT)

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Original version

Dear QueryShark:

My name is Niccolo Conte Fusco. I’m a hit man.

No no no. Don't write your query in the POV of your character. I know you're tempted to do it; I can hear that siren song of first person Query enticing you to do something Unusual! Fresh! Original! It's none of those things: it's a gimmick.

I'm not looking for gimmicks. I'm looking for hooks, yes, but there's a difference between a hook and a gimmick, and I know it when I read it.

Also, you do understand that while I read crime novels, I don't want to live in one. Thus if you really ARE a hit man, and you have my address, "yes come on over" isn't the first thing I want to say; it's "Suzie! ~~Lower~~ RAISE the drawbridge***!"

I’m thirty-three years old and wondering how everything went so wrong. But to understand that you’d have to go back to the beginning, back to when it was me, Frankie, and Tony that ruled the neighborhood. Frankie is now a cop and trying to pin five murders on me. And Tony…Tony is lying on the floor in front of me in a pool of blood, my bullet in his gut.

That's called set up. It's not conflict or tension. I'm not emotionally invested in a self-described hit man. In other words, you haven't snagged my interest yet.

Don’t judge me yet; I’ve done enough of that. Instead, why don’t you listen to my story and let me tell you about what happened in my neighborhood when someone broke an oath.

yea yea yea.
I'm sorry, but again, this isn't conflict. It's not a choice. It's not good intentions gone horribly awry.

MURDER TAKES TIME is set in Wilmington, Delaware, and Brooklyn, New York, and is the first in a mystery/suspense series featuring Detective Frankie Donovan and repentant hit man, Nicky Fusco.

Well, it's not the first in a series if you don't get the first published. While I'm interested in books that lend themselves to a series, that's not the first thing I care about. I want to know what the book is about. You've given me set up but no plot.

Thank you for your time and consideration. ~~A complete manuscript (121,000 words) is available upon request.~~

You can write. This clear succinct energetic writing. I like it.

What you haven't done is give me a reason to read on. No plot. No hook. And you're going to have to come up with something really fresh and new here. This is a well worn path. You really want me thinking "wow, I haven't seen this before" not "wow, this sounds like the plot of Lorenzo Carcaterra's SLEEPERS published in 1996."

Sincerely,

Form rejection

***thank you to the commenter who clearly understands the ups and downs of querying.

#170

2010-08-16T10:33:00.005-04:00

Dear Query Shark:

Kelly is hunted by the Guild for the simple fact of being a necromancer. If that wasn’t bad enough, her zombie friend is threatened by a voodoo priest who will do anything to possess her, even kill Kelly for the privilege.

This is almost reminiscent of the old "walks in to a bar" joke motif: a necromancer, a zombie, and a voodoo priest walk in to a bar.

You're too close to the novel to see this. In fact, my guess is that when you read this you'll think I'm being harsh. One of the writing skills every author needs to master is objectivity: getting OUT of the story enough to see how someone else might interpret it. The only way to learn this is practice ("the first million words are practice"--Stephen King).

The same applies to queries.

There's a simple way to figure out what goes in the first paragraph of a query.

1. What is your main character's name?

2. What problem/choice does the character face? (20 words or fewer)

3. Who wants to foil the main character's plan and why? (20 words or fewer)

These three questions are the blueprint of your query. You don't write the answers and send it as a query any more than a real estate agent posts blueprints instead of photographs of a house for sale.

You USE these questions to guide you on what to include (action/plot) and what not to include (description/character list)

Think of it as a writing exercise. Answer each of these questions. Use as many words as you need, then pare down to 20.

To further complicate her life, she finds herself attracted to Rayne, whose relentless pursuit of her is about to tip off the Guild to her whereabouts.

You've got four characters mentioned in one paragraph. That is at least two, and probably three too many.

What Kelly doesn’t know is that Rayne is a Guild hunter and despises her kind. But he hides a sinister past from his Guild brothers. He once worked with black magic. After witnessing the death of his girlfriend at the hands of Demaskus, his old mentor, Rayne abandoned the dark arts and vowed to avenge her. When Demaskus returns and starts murdering hunters, Rayne is determined to destroy him at any cost. Trouble is, Kelly’s skills might be the key to defeat the man who wants to bring down the Guild.

At this point I'm confused, and I don't care. In fact I've stopped reading.

Rayne’s secrets unravel and Kelly discovers how deeply she’s been betrayed. When her friend is kidnapped by the voodoo priest now in league with Demaskus, her only hope lies in the Guild and the men who’d rather see her dead. Both Kelly and Rayne must face their enemies in a battle that will save either the Guild, or plunge society into chaos.

You mean society isn't already in chaos? You haven't seen our office when cupcakes arrive have you?

DEATHLY VEIL, is a completed 101,000 word urban fantasy romance.

I’m an active member in (redacted) and have had (redacted) ebooks in publication. (list redacted)

~~I can send you a partial and synopsis or full of my manuscript for your perusal anytime.~~ Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

I stopped reading after the second paragraph and sent a form rejection.

Start over.

#169

2010-08-14T15:30:00.005-04:00

Dear QueryShark:

Alix Luvbochic’s back from Afghanistan and she's traded in Marine ops work for Hollywood security. There’s good money in foiling paparazzi.

This is a great opening line that has me eager to read more.

Her big break comes from Sunny, engaged to an A-lister. The more wedding prep Alix does, however, the more she worries. Turns out the groom likes to sit in an egg-chair dangling off a cliff. Its hook is rigged to occasionally detach. His first wife sat there ‘til she dropped.

And then it goes splat. Almost an entire 180 from "yes I want to read this" to WTF?

First: "wedding prep" sounds like what a wedding planner does. And I don't associate wedding planners with Marine ops (although....there's an idea!)

And then "likes to sit in an egg-chair dangling off a cliff." I had to look up egg-chair, but it turns out I've seen plenty of them, just not hanging off cliffs. And the visual just doesn't make sense. I'm confused now. That's a very very bad thing in a query letter.

And the logic of the problem of the groom sitting in a device that killed his first wife eludes me totally.

My interest in reading on has dropped from 100% to zero.

Unfortunately, Sunny doesn’t find a taste for Russian roulette, furniture edition, reason enough to cancel. She can’t be in it for the money, Alix thinks. The pre-nup’s so tight Sunny’d get more down on the corner with a cup.

Russian roulette, furniture edition is utterly hilarious. And that's the problem. You've got what looks like a terrific premise and some really great lines, but there's the confusing stuff. I look at that and think "I'm going to be editing a lot if I take this on." That's not a good thing.

Sunny’s found another angle, though. Wedding pics are worth a bundle to the tabloids and Sunny’s cut a deal. Her pap gets the shots, then she speed-dials for divorce.

So, she's marrying the guy for the wedding pictures, even though he appears to be have homicidal furniture? That's pretty cold...I love it.

That’s enough for Alix. It’s a tough decision--the money’s great--but she signed on to screw the paparazzi, not to sneak them in. Besides, it’s cruel to the groom, however weird he is.

And I like this too.

Then she finds out why Sunny needs the money. Now she feels terrible. And the groom’s not taking humiliation well. Forget the paparazzi--it’ll take all her training to stop the second bride from ending up as splattered as the first.

Ok, I surrender. You've got me. In the preceding paragraph my sympathies weren't with Sunny; now they are. I like that. It's enticing. It makes me want to read more. That's the sole goal of a query: entice me to read the book.

The Bride Bit Back is suspense, complete at 82K. My stories have appeared in (redacted), (redacted), (redacted), and the (redacted), anthology.

I'd read pages, and if they were really really good, I'd read the full.

This query isn't perfect. In fact, it's got some serious problems, BUT it's enticing. That's all a query letter really has to be. Get that part right and you can screw up on almost every other thing and still get your pages read.

But, and here's the problem, almost every agent I know is trying to do less editing rather than more.

Investing edit time in a ms is a good decision IF you know you're going to get serious money for it. Right now serious money is in commercial thrillers, hot YA urban fantasy and big-ass non-fiction.

For a book like this, editing isn't the difference between $5K and $50K; it's the difference between unsold and $12.5K . The commission on $12.5K is $1,875 paid out over the course of probably six months.

It doesn't make much sense to spend a lot of time editing for that kind of money particularly if I know, as I do, that I can probably find something ELSE to sell for $12.5K that doesn't require the editing.

The less time I need to invest in something before it's publishable, the better.

So, fix that second paragraph, make sure you have a ms that's as polished as you can, and you're off to the races.