#123-Revised-**WINNER**

REVISION
Dear Query Shark:

I am seeking representation for ABIDE WITH ME, a 57,000-word crime novel about friendship, community, football, hope, and biscuits. Oh, and gangsters.

I like the juxtaposition of crime novel and friendship. I'm always looking for that kind of weird pairing. I think it bodes well for a fun read.

John's out the nick after doing seven years for a bodged robbery. And childhood friend Kenny's out the nut house, ten years after bashing up the school bully with a dinner tray. Everything's looking rosy, until John finds out Kenny's got a job as bagman for local villain Ronnie Swordfish. John fears the worst. And he's right.

Kenny, the daft bastard, is handin' out money to all and fuckin' sundry, including John's Mum who's borrowed a large wedge from Ronnie to tide her over while John's inside. But where's Kenny gettin' the money from for this little Robin Hood act, if not from Ronnie Swordfish himself?

John knows Ronnie's got his eye on him, likes the look of him. And when Ronnie helped John out by blowin' up the bastard screw that was makin' his life inside a living hell, John knew he'd come callin'. But a paranoid psycho like Ronnie Swordfish don't trust easy. So what better test than get John to bring Kenny in? Two birds with one stone.

Right here, this sets up both the conflict and the stakes of the novel. If every query letter I got did that as neatly as this one did, I'd never stop requesting fulls.

Faced with handin' over his lifelong friend on a plate or watchin' his own mum and sister burn in their beds, like Ronnie promised, John ain't got a choice.


Thing is, John don't even know the fuckin' half of it.

And that's exactly why, in less than forty words, why I am eager to read the pages, and then the novel.


I have three published short stories to my name, all published by (redacted) in their collections (redacted).

what? "all published by in their collections" doesn't make sense.


I hereby enclose the first three chapters of my novel along with a synopsis, and an SAE for your convenience. Thank you very much for your consideration.


Sincerely,



oh hell yes, send this at once.


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ORIGINAL
Dear Query Shark:

I am seeking representation for ABIDE WITH ME, a 57,000-word Mainstream novel about friendship, community, football, hope, and biscuits. Oh, and gangsters.

Mainstream isn't capitalized. It's not a proper noun. Also, what you describe below isn't anywhere close to a mainstream novel. It's a crime novel.

John's out the nick after doing seven years for a bodged robbery. And childhood friend Kenny's out the nut house, ten years after bashing up the school bully with a dinner tray. Everything's looking rosy, until John finds out Kenny's got a job as Bagman for local villain Ronnie Swordfish. John fears the worst. And he's right.

Bagman isn't a proper noun either. Proper on this side of the pond means something other than what it means on your side. Here's what I mean.

Kenny, the daft bastard, is handin' out money to all and fuckin' sundry, including John's Mum who's borrowed a large wedge from Ronnie to tide her over while John's inside. But where's Kenny gettin' the money from for this little Robin Hood act, if not from Ronnie Swordfish himself?



John knows Ronnie's got his eye on him, likes the look of him. And when Ronnie helps him out by blowin' up the bastard screw that's makin' his life inside a living hell, John knew he'd come callin'. But a paranoid psycho like Ronnie Swordfish don't trust easy. So what better test than gettin' John to bring Kenny in? Two birds with one stone.

I'm a tad confused here. Ronnie helps John out by blowing up someone who making his life INSIDE a living hell? I thought John was out of jail?

Faced with handin' over his lifelong friend on a plate or watchin' his own mum and sister burn in their beds, like Ronnie promised, John ain't got a choice.


Thing is, John don't even know the fuckin' half of it.


I have three published short stories to my name, all published by in their collections.

I hereby enclose the first three chapters of my novel along with a synopsis, and an SAE for your convenience. Thank you very much for your consideration.


Sincerely,

This has voice and energy. Normally, it's exactly the kind of thing I'd jump all over. Trouble is, there's so much slang I'm not sure I actually understand it, and I can just hear editors saying "too Brit."



I like this though; I like it a lot. I would definitely read pages from this.