#144-Revised Thrice

Dear Query Shark:

Hurled twenty years into the future, young Jakorus is confronted with a horrifying truth: his world has changed, and it’s his fault.

His home, the island of Cybraxas, teeters at the brink of civil war. Magical creatures have secretly co-existed with humans for centuries, but the illusion of peace crumbles when a rebellious faction fights to overturn their primary law: Humans are not food.

Why? What changed? Are they hungry? Hungrier? Did humans destroy their normal food? What happened to create the rebels?

And "civil war" implies a country or a place fighting itself. This doesn't sound like that. It sounds like the alligators have come out of the NYC sewers and are looking for some payback. That's not a "civil war", even to this reptilian NYer.

Trapped in a time loop, many versions of Jakorus have tried to change the future, but they only make things worse. In order to restore the original timeline, Jakorus learns he must murder innocents, betray friends, and repeat the same immoral choices that the original Jakorus made. If he fails, the rebellion could blossom into civil war.

And so, what's the problem here? If he made the immoral choices the first time, surely it's easier the second? You've missed the key part of the story: Jakorus has had some sort of transfiguring moment, and has renounced his earlier evil self. (Think Clint Eastwood in Unforgiven-he hangs up his guns and becomes a farmer)

But through it all, Jakorus has his own problem: in the future there are two of him, and they both love the same girl.

This part I do like a lot.

TIME TOURISM is a YA urban fantasy novel of approximately 123,000 words. It stands alone as a single book, but has series potential. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Big Love meets Portnoy's Complaint, ok. (alright I'm just teasing you here)

Best Regards,


better, but still needs work.

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Dear Query Shark,

Hurled into the future twenty years, young Jakorus is confronted with a horrifying truth: his world has changed, and it’s his fault.

Hurled twenty years in to the future, young

The island of Cybraxas teeters at the brink of civil war. Mythical creatures have secretly co-existed with humans for centuries, but maintaining an illusion of peace becomes increasingly difficult when a rebellious faction wishes to overturn their most strictly enforced law: Humans are not food.

We don't know what the island of Cybraxas is. Is it young hurler Jakorus' home? If so, it's better to name it "young hurlers home island" so we know. The name of the place is the least helpful identifier here.

Also, if a creature is mythical it doesn't exist. If it exists, it's not mythical.

And you're burying the most important part of the story: creatures want to eat people.

His older self, haggard and worn beyond his years, warns Jakorus against the seductive power of manipulating destiny. Altering the outcome of events has been repeatedly attempted by previous Jakorus’ trapped in the time loop that was created, but all efforts make things worse. To prevent the rebellion from blossoming into civil war, Jakorus learns of innocents he will murder, friends he’ll be required to betray, and the immoral choices that he must repeat in order to restore the original timeline.

This paragraph is as convoluted as the time loop you're describing. What you want to say here is that the Hurler isn't the first Jakorus to come forward, or go backward in time to try and fix things. All that travelling through time has only made things worse. Now, he not only has to fix the problem, he has to un-convolute the mess his previous selves made. And that means murder, betrayal, and best of all, immoral choices!

Returned to his own time with strict instructions of what must be done to save his people, Jakorus has his his own problem own agenda: to prevent one of the most unusual love triangles in history: In the future there are two of him, and they both love the same girl.



Set in modern day, TIME TOURISM is a YA fantasy novel of approximately 125,000 words. It stands alone as a single book, but has series potential. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Best Regards,

Your Chum
1313 Query Hell Lane
Craptastic, BS 12345-6789

this address still cracks me up


You're getting better, and it's sounding more like something I'd actually look at but it's still not there yet.


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Dear Query Shark,

Azomyn Jakorus is a young being from an immortal race that lives secretly among humans. One day he is magically catapulted through time twenty years. His older self is there waiting for him to tell him about the dangers of trying to change the past, something that had been tried again and again by other Jakorus’ trapped in the time loop that was created. He is shown what is meant to happen in his life; people he has to murder, people he cares about that he needs to betray, and the wrong choices that he must repeat, otherwise his world and everyone he knows will suffer for his cowardice.

What's an immortal race? Are the beings immortal? If so, they better not get too old or you'll have a real problem.

And I'm not sure the "people he has to murder" are going t much care that if they don't die "everyone he knows will suffer for his cowardice." Suffer and be damn quick about it I say.

In other words, this isn't the real conflict. You need a real problem and a real choice in the first paragraph.

While in the future, Jakorus makes many unusual friends and trains with his older self and Master Kale, a member of the Council of Elders, trying to become the creature of fortitude and resolution they need him to be. Yet, he often questions himself and their decisions, worried that he is not strong enough for the task. Reluctant to leave his friends, but determined to do what is best for his people, he is returned to his true time with a mission to make things right.

yea yea yea. This is the montage scene in every heroic quest movie ever made. It's boring then. It's boring now. Leave it out.

However, against all advice and fierce pressure, he has his own agenda: to prevent the most unusual love triangle in history. The decisions he makes on his own are foolhardy at best. Perhaps this was to be expected from one so young, but at seventeen he was headstrong, independent, and absolutely positive that what he did was right.

The conflict is "to prevent the most unusual love triangle in all history." Lead with that. And sadly, you're going to need to spell out what it is. What you've got right now is telling not showing.

Time cripples confidence.
This is a pithy phrase, but it doesn't actually mean anything.

Set in modern day, “Time Tourism,” is a YA fantasy. The manuscript is 125,000 words in length. It can stand alone as a single book, but it is meant to be the first in a series. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Best Regards,

Your Chum
1313 Query Hell Lane
Craptastic, BS 12345-67

this just cracks me up.
I think we have a new address for ALL the Chum.


Still a form rejection but it's getting better.
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Dear Query Shark,

I am seeking representation. My completed manuscript, “Time Tourism,” is a fantasy-adventure-romance chapter book with a target audience of young adult readers,

whoa baby! "Chapter book" is a phrase used to describe books for early readers. Having chapters doesn't make it a chapter book. "Fantasy-adventure-romance" is not a category. Romance is. Fantasy is. They're also two very DIFFERENT categories. Just because a novel has elements of fantasy, or adventure, or romance doesn't mean it's in the romance or fantasy category.


but will also appeal to older adults. The manuscript is 125,000 words in length. It can stand alone as a single book, but it is meant to be the first in a series.

Given your word count, this is a YA fantasy novel. Anything else and the word count is a problem.



Set in modern day, a young immortal from a secretive race accidentally travels forward in time twenty years. Trapped there, he makes friends and trains with his elders, trying to become what they need him to be. Upon learning what tragedies have transpired in his own world and ours, he is returned to his true time with a mission from the elders to make things right. However, he has his own agenda: to prevent the most unusual love triangle in history.

This is generic and boring. Start with the characters name. Then be specific about what he has to do. What choices he faces.

I must tell you however that a book that is largely abut a young man learning from his wise elders doesn't sound like something the YA audience will much like. YA novels are generally about characters finding their own way in the world, and thwarting the best intentions of their elders.

I have included the first five pages of “Time Tourism” and a synopsis beneath my query. Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.


Form rejection