tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post1187769220197386767..comments2024-03-16T01:00:59.945-04:00Comments on Query Shark: #186-Revised 4xJanet Reidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00615380335938685231noreply@blogger.comBlogger74125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-83205974969317733832014-03-12T17:12:52.927-04:002014-03-12T17:12:52.927-04:00The first title makes me think of that country son...The first title makes me think of that country song Gunpowder and Lead. The girlfriend loads her shotgun and waits for her abusive boyfriend to show up. In the song she says, "I'm gonna show him what a little girl's make of: Gunpowder and Lead."Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16287034860939353962noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-91312971381049799692011-11-09T21:57:54.816-05:002011-11-09T21:57:54.816-05:00Online prostitute catering to pedophiles. Serious...Online prostitute catering to pedophiles. Seriously?? I'm offended both as a writer and online escort. And for the record, not one sane, stable women (16 or not, sex worker or not) CATERS TO PEDOPHILES. That person doesn't exist, COULD NOT exist, not for more than 24 hours before being institutionalized over the mental break brought on by the sheer impossibility of that disgustingly twisted job description. <br /><br />You don't understand women much less escorts and you shouldn't be writing about us. Not ever. EVER.<br /><br />And thanks for FURTHER stigmatizing an already highly marginalized, misunderstood group of human beings. Unreal.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-64751988800445162002011-07-26T20:43:08.410-04:002011-07-26T20:43:08.410-04:00The title made me shudder.
I think you can clear ...The title made me shudder.<br /><br />I think you can clear up a lot of the ick factor by making it clear whether Mike's reliance/fixation on Lizzy comes from him seeing her as a replacement daughter, or is sexual in nature. You mention that she's x years older than his daughter, but then seem to dance around the fact of her sexuality for the rest of the query. Is he attracted to her? Does he come on to her, or does she try to seduce him? That makes a HUGE difference in how Mike will be perceived. Or maybe he's just using her as the daughter he's distant from (again, huge difference). <br /><br />I also lost the plot after about 2 paragraphs...all this interesting stuff with a minister and the media is mentioned, then Mike meets Lizzy and it all goes out the window. Is this story about Lizzy, or about Mike? What about the murdered girl?Laurahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15725049899131699912noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-27764619615906048532011-06-25T13:43:44.862-04:002011-06-25T13:43:44.862-04:00A picky little comment: DOCTORS, soldiers, prostit...A picky little comment: DOCTORS, soldiers, prostitutes, and cops need to remain emotionally detached. Maybe add writers, agents, and publishers? Maybe scrap all that and start with: Chief Detective Michael Joseph knows he is losing his emotional detachment, and he knows that's dangerous.Rickhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04726088594413029680noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-47343712331381766162011-02-04T14:53:14.777-05:002011-02-04T14:53:14.777-05:00CO-DEPENDENCE
ywiaCO-DEPENDENCE <br /><br />ywiaUnknownhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17497726659475823213noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-12320523674278702592011-01-20T10:57:39.654-05:002011-01-20T10:57:39.654-05:00I think you're trying to put too much of your ...I think you're trying to put too much of your story into the query. There seem to be lot of interesting things happening in your book. However, when you try to tell us everything in 250 words, it's just a boring list (see paragraph four of your query).<br /><br />Also, there is a huge disconnect in your q. Paragraphs 1 and 2 read like an interesting "man vs the machine" type of crime novel, while P3 and P4 read like a "cop going native" type of crime novel.<br /><br />If think if you pick one or the other, the query will improve dramatically.<br /><br />Also, to beat a dead horse, I had a strong ick reaction with your first/last title. I know you're going for cutesy, but the subject matter juxtaposed with that title has bad connotations. Try to picture in your mind, Steve Buscemi saying your title out loud.jessehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16489502078962823639noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-44035803977619013662011-01-16T09:02:04.144-05:002011-01-16T09:02:04.144-05:00I think the query is better. But why does she hav...I think the query is better. But why does she have to be Dizzy Lizzy? I just dislike the name. And don't go back to the original title.Theresa Milsteinhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03477761307315565259noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-39911966867879550402011-01-15T10:37:58.206-05:002011-01-15T10:37:58.206-05:00From Joel's suggestions, the title I liked bes...From Joel's suggestions, the title I liked best is "Sixteen".<br /><br />It has good rhythm, it sounds similar to "sex teen", which helps define the book. It also highlights the youthfulness of the victims, making the crimes all the more gruesome.<br /><br />I think, it's a winner.Giselehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12954959858871289162noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-51301572101199002252011-01-13T21:00:29.223-05:002011-01-13T21:00:29.223-05:00Here are some title suggestions. Some are better t...Here are some title suggestions. Some are better than others. See how I pulled them out--they're all your own words.<br /><br />The best are two syllables, like a pulse: da-dum.<br /><br />Note that there's a spy novel *and a spy movie* called THE TOURIST. Just because you can use someone else's title doesn't mean you should:<br /><br />DETACHED<br />ONE THING IN COMMON<br />EMOTIONALLY<br />FEAR OF SECRETS<br />BEFRIEND<br />SIXTEEN<br />OBJECTIVITY<br />RELY<br />MORAL SUPPORT<br />HEADLONG<br />RESCUED<br />PERCEPTION<br />A BETTER MANJoel Brownhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11611692901113614564noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-60762140904874773552011-01-12T08:07:01.723-05:002011-01-12T08:07:01.723-05:00I'd add that she's not saying give up. She...I'd add that she's not saying give up. She's just saying, give it a little time. <br /><br />I found making a checklist from the archives made my letters easier to write ... still. <br /><br />And I'd advise against venue-shopping. There's a guy who's submitted and re-submitted the same query on sites, hoping that, you know, the laws of literary physics (read: economics) will not work at one of these sites.<br /><br />Stick with this site. These are good people. And consider ditching the name Dizzy Lizzy. Seriously. I agree with alaskaravenclaw, who is more sensitive than I, that it's not a pleasant thing to do, but consider it.<br /><br />And the title.Joel Brownhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11611692901113614564noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-5809072430834918482011-01-04T09:41:10.053-05:002011-01-04T09:41:10.053-05:00Sorry, internet child pornography=FBI jurisdiction...Sorry, internet child pornography=FBI jurisdiction. If it's not what she's doing that killed her, why is your detective involved with other child prostitutes? And people don't think 13 year olds deserved it because they're prostitutes; that makes them more sympathetic, not less.<br /><br />My ex is a cop. I could never get past the logical fallacies in this setup, even if I found it intriguing.Stephanie Barrhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17772217449161603561noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-20859859563103895292011-01-03T16:16:48.248-05:002011-01-03T16:16:48.248-05:00Joel said...
thank you, that's good advice. So...Joel said...<br />thank you, that's good advice. Some of the best yet.<br />Tiger said<br />Thank you that's good advice, too.<br />Slush said...<br />GMC, thank you.<br />Stephanie Barr said...<br />Conflict of interest isn't bad at all. Thanks.<br />Gisele said...<br />politicians, prostitutes, and cops<br />That one I HAVE to use. Dead on! Thanks.<br />Or how about a title: Pols, Prostitutes, and Cops<br />sounds like a cheesy Raymond Chandler cover, huh?<br />Lady Epsilon said...<br />what about Dizzy Lizzy as a title<br />I thought about it but she doesn't show up until chapter 5 (out of twenty). Wouldn't that be too long to wait for the title character?<br />alaskaravenclaw said...<br />The public isn't going to stop being outraged about the murder of a 13-year-old just because they find out she was a prostitute<br />You'd be amazed at quickly public opinion can swing when dealing with a "criminal element." Unless it's a serial killer people, have a tendency to say "bad things happen to bad people" (as self righteous as that may sound it's sometimes true).<br />alaskaravenclaw said...<br />again<br />No one can connect the murder to the internet nor can they say it was a john. This only comes to light after the MC starts to dig into the girl's computer. Then on a hunch, he looks for Lizzy who did the same thing as the dead girl.<br /><br />Here's the story line in brief:<br />I chose the title "What Little Girls Are Made Of" because the victim is a seeming innocent: young, good grades et cetera. She uses a church as an excuse to get out of the house (parents feuding).<br />When the MC discovers the prostitution link (he's the one who finds it and dogs it out) he finds Lizzy and company at a park where drugs and illegal stuff goes on (sometimes cops will let "little stuff" go on in one location because it's easier to keep track of it and it's often not worth busting).<br />When the girl is murdered, the community is outraged. Then the MC discovers the online "advertising" (she adverts online not really doing it) he also finds a slim thread that leads to the church. Someone high up (this is an interagency police unit) leaks the info to the TV minister (who doesn't want the MC poking around in his flock) and the TV minister asks some pols to put pressure on the MC to leave the church alone and look in the park for the murderer (TV evangelists can say just about anything they want short of outright libel, and that represents a lot of votes in today's world).maxdnamehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15815061500137207087noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-63718849501125547272011-01-03T14:28:35.907-05:002011-01-03T14:28:35.907-05:00I am sorry... I had no idea there was a discussion...I am sorry... I had no idea there was a discussion going on. I am a goof.<br />Despite that: to those who offered up suggestions--<br />"what little girls are made of" has a cutesy ring -- it's supposed to<br />(the divorce has already happened)<br />Yes, I know what little girls are made of is a Star Trek title<br />Stephanie Barr said...<br />the FBI would take over because it is an interstate crime... Yes, if there is a suspicion that she was killed by a "customer." In the beginning, nothing points to that. Only as Joseph puts the pieces together does this show up. And in some states (east coast) state borders are close and accordingly there are combined "local" agencies that are given jurisdiction over an area).<br />nn Angel said...<br />You hit it dead on! Thank you. The case becomes political but the MC is trying to keep it pointed at the ministry, which is the only solid lead he has. "Lizzy and her friends" is a lead he develops only through doggedness (it's a place called the "candy store"--a place where the cops "let" thing drug deal and prostitution go on, it being easier to control if it's in one place (sometimes agencies allow illegal activity to occur in a location because it is easier to keep track of it)<br />siebendach said...<br />Granted, not all prosecutors have political aspirations, but the other 99% would be all over this one... if Big Whig (yes Whig, the political party, that's where the term comes from) pols look to slap down anyone getting near this church--and only a few people know of the connection and the MC isn't going to leak that to the press (he's a nice guy).<br />Jo-Ann said...<br />...hoping) that you're trying to portray Dizzy Lizzy as having dignity and being wise beyond her years, and that Mike finds himself drawn to her for the insights she can offer: into both the case he's working on, and his own train-wreck personal life.<br />Yes, yes, yes... that's what is happening.<br />what's in it for Lizzy? It was her friend who died and she hopes the MC is going to offer her, and her clan, a modicum of protection--something rarely offered.<br />to many who said: the minister is somehow involved... it's not him. The MC wants to turn over stones within his flock... The minister knows EVERYBODY's got something to hide and he doesn't want the BEST investigator around sifting through the lives of his evangelical herd.<br />Fanfreakingtastic Flower said...<br />writing what you know... everything in this comes from my observations working with cops, but not as a cop and pretty much everything really happened.<br />wizardonskis22 said...<br />wife divorces her husband because he's too "meticulous"? <br />He's one of those people who ask a question expecting a certain answer, and when he doesn't get that, he'll rephrase the question, and continue to do so until a person answers with every detail. Some cops (and some people) use that as a technique and it's very annoying.<br />Polly said...<br />no teen would voluntarily work as a prostitute... I've seen runaways often hustle to make some cash (with boys it's quite common)maxdnamehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15815061500137207087noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-3730655893068881702010-12-10T06:32:16.696-05:002010-12-10T06:32:16.696-05:00Don't have her be Dizzy Lizzy and don't pu...Don't have her be Dizzy Lizzy and don't put it in the title. There's got to be a better name. It sounds like it's from an old western. This is contemporary.Theresa Milsteinhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03477761307315565259noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-71035566266254838232010-12-06T14:54:24.645-05:002010-12-06T14:54:24.645-05:00To me, Dizzy Lizzy sounds like a drink name, so I ...To me, Dizzy Lizzy sounds like a drink name, so I keep wondering why the author is so attached to a cocktail.Meaningless Prosehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02427022904856900596noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-27471094823111982012010-12-06T01:43:44.508-05:002010-12-06T01:43:44.508-05:00The one thing the writer has addressed successfull...The one thing the writer has addressed successfully is the icky factor between Detective Joseph and Lizzy. The awkwardness between their relationship is gone. Well done.<br /><br />Now, Alaskaravenclaw and Stephanie Barr took the words right out of my mouth!<br /><br />The writer is not addressing most of the issues and/or suggestions that were brought forth a while ago, during the first query attempt. It is now round number four and the query still has most of the same original problems.<br /><br />I fully respect that the writer has complete control and choice of whether or not to follow through with a suggestion. However, it seems bizarre to me that even the factual discrepancies that have already been mentioned are still left ignored. Case in point: Stephanie’s on-target observation that it is the FBI and not local cops, the ones who investigate online pedophilia cases. This is a fact. I don’t see this as a take-it or-leave-it suggestion.<br /><br />I pray thee, how else will you have a credible novel, fellow writer?Giselehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12954959858871289162noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-3763631340685435922010-12-05T12:15:53.092-05:002010-12-05T12:15:53.092-05:00Rev 12/4:
As alaskaravenclaw said, I still don...Rev 12/4:<br /><br />As alaskaravenclaw said, I still don't see you addressing much of the concerns raised previously. You tell us what happens and the repercussions, but they don't seem to go together. <br /><br />Who stops feeling sorry for a murdered 13-year-old because she was used as a prostitute? Why would the public be less outraged? Why would anyone worrying about a 16-year-old betraying anything? Who trusts a 16-year-old prostitute with secrets? Who would expect real objectivity on sex crimes involving children? Why aren't the Feds running this as they would for any on-line pedophilia issues?<br /><br />You've ascribed reactions that seem counterintuitive to me and built the story on those reactions. I just can't bring myself to buy it.Stephanie Barrhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17772217449161603561noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-49197629875350011662010-12-04T17:16:27.225-05:002010-12-04T17:16:27.225-05:00In re revision of 12/4/10:
Writer, you still have...In re revision of 12/4/10:<br /><br />Writer, you still haven't addressed the issues that people had before:<br /><br />1. How can one be a prostitute through the internet? (I assume the answer is that she <i>advertised</i> online.)<br /><br />2. The public isn't going to stop being outraged about the murder of a 13-year-old just because they find out she was a prostitute, nor because of who her clients were.<br /><br />People who feel implicated might be outraged, but that's hardly going to be a large proportion of the public.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-83191227512286105552010-11-28T01:21:10.522-05:002010-11-28T01:21:10.522-05:00Why not simply call it Dizzy Lizzy? The title sug...Why not simply call it Dizzy Lizzy? The title suggests a little girl with the power to knock you off balance and subvert your expectations. And if I'm reading your queries right, that's the theme you're going for here.Lady Epsilonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11281419379992599515noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-41120515680646498182010-11-23T15:54:57.440-05:002010-11-23T15:54:57.440-05:00I am not too enamored of the first paragraph. It ...I am not too enamored of the first paragraph. It is not sounding as strong as it could. It is odd to me that soldiers, cops and prostitutes (3 professions) would be mentioned, but then only talk about 2 of them: Cops and prostitutes.<br /><br />Of course, there isn't a follow up on the "soldiers" bit, because the story isn't about soldiers. They aren't part of it. So, why are they in there? Is it because it adds a better rhythm to the sentence? <br /><br />If that is the case, I suggest saying something along the lines of "Politicians, prostitutes and cops have one thing in common..." That way you'll still have the same rhythm to your sentence. Along the added bonus that politicians are indeed part of this story and they also should remain emotionally detached to ply their craft.<br /><br />Someone already mentioned that "It is sometimes said" is utterly unnecessary. I'd like to second that.<br /><br />It is hard for me to think of a 13yr old prostitute. It seems to me that the word "prostitute" implies a certain choice, albeit small, on the matter. I don't know how much of a choice a 13yr old would have. In my opinion, "a sex victim" catering to pedophiles... sounds better. It also makes me care for the misfortune of the 13yr girl that much more. But this could just be my opinion.<br /><br />The Title "Requiem for Dizzy Lizzy" doesn't really do it for me either. I also would like to point out that such title gives away the fact that Lizzy will die at some point in the novel. If the intention was to keep her death a secret for a big surprise ending than, the title is giving it away. <br /><br />Perhaps knowing how the story ends isn't as important to the plot as the journey of how she got there. If that's the case, than it wouldn't matter so much.<br /><br />So far, the title I liked better is "Absolution". But I'd keep thinking of more titles.<br /><br />This query is getting better as it progresses. Keep it up!Giselehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12954959858871289162noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-90364127910648969462010-11-23T06:09:50.176-05:002010-11-23T06:09:50.176-05:00Honestly, the 'ick' factor along with all ...Honestly, the 'ick' factor along with all the other button-pushing makes me really interested to read, simply to see if you actually pulled it off.<br /><br />As for the title, why not something like 'Notoriety' or 'The Named and the Nameless'?Eli Ashpencehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02922131555113685995noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-36974124375989086352010-11-22T18:39:08.186-05:002010-11-22T18:39:08.186-05:00Regarding names, you've stressed lack of objec...Regarding names, you've stressed lack of objectivity. In my business (and law enforcement), that's called Conflict of Interest. Perhaps that would work here.Stephanie Barrhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17772217449161603561noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-51027511325284860882010-11-22T11:41:42.104-05:002010-11-22T11:41:42.104-05:00I think that you are getting closer. My one piece ...I think that you are getting closer. My one piece of advice is go back to the GMC- Goals, Motivations, and Conflict of the main character's in your story. This little fact has been helping me craft a better query. <br /><br />If you stick to the conflict (the major one of the story), which I think centers around the East Coast Ministry angle. You will find better results. <br /><br />I cannot weight a story by a query only but I can tell you that it is tricky to get the full depth of your story sanwiched in under 300 words. <br /><br />As far as titles go: I am not expert. The suggestion of Absolution is not a bad one. I would start by trying to sum up the story in one desriptive word and move from their. The whole GMC thing mentioned above could help with that if something is synomynous between all the characters. <br />Look forward to seeing how this progresses.Landrahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16099833600342085109noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-71484925156586650772010-11-22T10:48:13.422-05:002010-11-22T10:48:13.422-05:00Rev 2 - My comments on the previous rev still appl...Rev 2 - My comments on the previous rev still apply here. I think the crime is still not addressed properly nor do the reactions described make any sense. <br /><br />I think you need to be clear on the relationship between the detective and the prostitute. If he feels protective about her because she reminds him of his estranged daughter, that's an entirely different thing than having a romantic interest. If the latter is not the case, I think you're best making that clear in the query (whether or not you tease the novel reader with that notion).<br /><br />I don't understand the relationship nor do I have any reason to care about either character. I just can't get interested in this query.Stephanie Barrhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17772217449161603561noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-16130557786136957492010-11-22T06:30:56.628-05:002010-11-22T06:30:56.628-05:00I don't like the title either. The first one ...I don't like the title either. The first one wasn't great but it was better than this one. Focus on the bad guys - the pedophiles. The officer against them.Theresa Milsteinhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03477761307315565259noreply@blogger.com