tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post1232965782425351179..comments2024-03-16T01:00:59.945-04:00Comments on Query Shark: #11-revisionJanet Reidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00615380335938685231noreply@blogger.comBlogger6125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-29626290480156583092008-10-16T20:59:00.000-04:002008-10-16T20:59:00.000-04:00Stunning revision. It's hard to believe it's the s...Stunning revision. It's hard to believe it's the same story and author. (Maybe the story is somewhat different: the word count has risen.)<BR/><BR/>What a great example this is of taking a chance with a query and succeeding. I'm always afraid of coming off arty and pretentious. It's a tightrope walk, balancing boring with melodramatic. The revised query walks the line.pulphttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17355139388706278494noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-58070754118008047982008-10-16T20:58:00.000-04:002008-10-16T20:58:00.000-04:00Stunning revision. It's hard to believe it's the s...Stunning revision. It's hard to believe it's the same story and author. (Maybe the story is somewhat different: the word count has risen.)<BR/><BR/>What a great example this is of taking a chance with a query and succeeding. I'm always afraid of coming off arty and pretentious. It's a tightrope walk, balancing boring with melodramatic. The revised query walks the line.pulphttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17355139388706278494noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-42559532611080840192008-10-15T12:39:00.000-04:002008-10-15T12:39:00.000-04:00Wow, what a fantastic revision. That's just incred...Wow, what a fantastic revision. That's just incredible how a rewrite can put something in a totally different perspective.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09215557278096889044noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-72510770352138058582008-04-27T15:49:00.000-04:002008-04-27T15:49:00.000-04:00Motivation and specifics. These were the same thin...Motivation and specifics. These were the same things pointed out when this query appeared some while ago on Evil Editor's blog. In pretty much the same form as it appears here. Perhaps this time you'll take the comments to heart and revise to make your query the best that it can be. The premise is good, but you need to sharpen the writing in the query to prove to the reader that you can pull it off.Phoenix Sullivanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03290349031002504007noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-27787092710535152742008-04-25T19:16:00.000-04:002008-04-25T19:16:00.000-04:00You probably don't need "reassigned to another cas...You probably don't need "reassigned to another case". "Reassigned" will do :).<BR/><BR/>Just a quick sketch based on what you've given here. Feel free to ignore, use, whatever!<BR/><BR/>Three years on, Israeli police officer Akiva fears he'll never catch his daughter's killer. But when he finds the body of a teenage Arab girl washed up on the beach, official indifference brings him across the Green Line into Gaza--and face-to-face with the man (?) who murdered his (only?) child. Now Akiva faces the most difficult decision of his life (what/why?).nonehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00415222406280230021noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-33419463214443288992008-04-25T11:26:00.000-04:002008-04-25T11:26:00.000-04:00This sounds like a really interesting story! But y...This sounds like a really interesting story! But yes, you need to highlight the conflicts a bit more precisely, and the protagonist's motivations are too vague. The query letter doesn't seem to be doing the story justice.jjdebenedictishttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16950592240599703771noreply@blogger.com