tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post1700357630438249063..comments2024-03-16T01:00:59.945-04:00Comments on Query Shark: #258-Revised onceJanet Reidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00615380335938685231noreply@blogger.comBlogger17125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-14502635143794610102014-08-06T22:27:55.887-04:002014-08-06T22:27:55.887-04:00A little late here, but I totally want to read thi...A little late here, but I totally want to read this too. Love the chick-lit voice in fantasy (I think crushing is fine here as well because it's not historical fiction). <br /><br />Author, if you need another reader, drop me a line. I think your story sounds fun. Sometimes the query is the hardest part.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09432145071227274540noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-86170526502228600632014-07-01T00:00:15.423-04:002014-07-01T00:00:15.423-04:00Which Arthurian legend? There are many.
But yeah,...Which Arthurian legend? There are many.<br /><br />But yeah, I'm still confused as to what the plot is exactly and how the two guys relate to it and your main character.Shawnahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04260012965060413042noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-10006829227103632852014-06-14T08:57:37.372-04:002014-06-14T08:57:37.372-04:00The writer is using a three step plan in the query...The writer is using a three step plan in the query. Someone who is a planner would have short sentences to explain those steps. And then the rest of the query would be organized around the steps. If the query isn't going to be centered around that plan, then I'd leave it out. Good luck with the rewrite! Theresa Milsteinhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03477761307315565259noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-50195693462627270102014-06-12T17:58:12.356-04:002014-06-12T17:58:12.356-04:00Laura W - "Why can't she like the prince ...Laura W - "Why can't she like the prince and still hate and want to kill the queen?"<br /><br />My guess is that if the queen is the prince's mother, he might not be keen on Jules killing her... kind of a bar to romance, someone killing your mum.<br /><br />:)Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02719638979996139414noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-30891402181584866822014-06-12T11:40:44.067-04:002014-06-12T11:40:44.067-04:00As others have stated, I'm afraid the long sen...As others have stated, I'm afraid the long sentences will probably show up in the manuscript. The author should take a more Zen approach, the "less is more" philosophy, when revising her query and ms. <br /> <br />Lara, I also thought about Sybil and her multiple personality disorder when I read the name. Did the author do that on purpose? I'm not sure that's a good thing.<br /><br />As for the hat, not one for Queen Elizabeth II, but I can definitely see it on the QOTKU for some reason!LynnRodzhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10796099106913990163noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-74160359929316448022014-06-10T13:44:51.728-04:002014-06-10T13:44:51.728-04:00I just want to say that fantasy is NOT the same as...I just want to say that fantasy is NOT the same as historical. A word like "crushing" isn't out of place in fantasy because the story-world isn't our world. However, I agree the query's tone is uneven, which does make a word like "crushing" stand out (and not in a good way).<br /><br />I'm not ready to say the novel is necessarily as convoluted as the query, but a confusing query isn't going to pique an agent's interest in reading pages.<br /><br />Don't try to be cute. Get the story down first. Who's the protagonist, what does she want, who's trying to stop her, what happens if she fails. You can flesh it out from there, and yes, add a little of the novel's voice.Elissa Mhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10727748060605823895noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-30538813098364992522014-06-09T14:10:43.305-04:002014-06-09T14:10:43.305-04:00I didn't even figure out it was a YA book. I t...I didn't even figure out it was a YA book. I tried to add the seven years PLUS the 18 years and came up with an adult novel? So that was confusing to me.<br /><br />As for the three-step process I totally agree. There were too many characters in this, too many plot turns mentioned and too much going on.<br /><br />Plus I got this creepy feeling with the name Sybil -- harkening back to the time in 8th grade I read that book of the lady with many personalities. eeekk-- That was just me though.<br /><br />Good luck with your project and the editing process. It's difficult, I know.Larahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10569956870292431661noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-85960581580863732132014-06-09T13:35:27.314-04:002014-06-09T13:35:27.314-04:00Oh hey, that's my old blog you linked to! What...Oh hey, that's my old blog you linked to! What a nice surprise! Anyway ...<br /><br />I agree that the problem isn't necessarily in the length of the sentences but in their lack of clarity. There seems to be an intriguing story in there somewhere, but I also am confused as to what's going on. In the case of queries, it's usually better to keep sentences short and to-the-point. Agents have to read a ton of queries a day, and they need to be able to determine what the story is right away or they'll lose interest. Hope that helps and I wish the author good luck!Brigid Gorry-Hineshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15481935746189946137noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-25453248853184005222014-06-08T21:28:36.258-04:002014-06-08T21:28:36.258-04:00I would appreciate it if the Query writer would po...I would appreciate it if the Query writer would post the first 3 paragraphs of the book online so we could see how the manuscript prose differs from the query. Like DLM, I suspect the manuscript is probably as circular and, let's be honest... confusing as the query.<br />I would suggest this writer join a critique group to have a long, hard look at the manuscript long before querying.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-19043012171189522002014-06-08T20:07:36.059-04:002014-06-08T20:07:36.059-04:00Julia and DLM, I scarcely blinked at "crushin...Julia and DLM, I scarcely blinked at "crushing," but "her growing feels" nearly made me snort coffee up my nose. YA or not, a query letter is not a Tumblr post.Laurahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17385078206910704988noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-24071308584378082622014-06-08T19:46:50.855-04:002014-06-08T19:46:50.855-04:00Once you find an agent, I'd love to read your ...Once you find an agent, I'd love to read your book. The bits of plot that you did share sound enticing and remind me of Maid of Secrets by Jennifer McGowan, which is a YA historical with fantasy elements.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-13678363121419241402014-06-08T19:31:34.735-04:002014-06-08T19:31:34.735-04:00Julia, "crushing" is what threw me out o...Julia, "crushing" is what threw me out of whack too. But what time period is this, if it's fantasy? That's why I thought it was shifting.DLMhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08768285199864217885noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-24994414913402327372014-06-08T19:00:13.753-04:002014-06-08T19:00:13.753-04:00"However, in eighteen years of life Jules has..."However, in eighteen years of life Jules hasn’t possessed so much as a magical toenail."<br /><br />The fact that she's 18 isn't really relevant unless this is YA or NA. Even then, just say it's YA at the end of the query. But, I really like the "Jules hasn't possessed so much as a magical toenail" part of the sentence. :)<br /><br />I'm confused about the whole romance with the prince thing. If Jules is trying to kill the queen, why is it important that she has feelings for the prince? Why can't she like the prince and still hate and want to kill the queen? Unless the prince is significantly older than Jules, he probably had nothing to do with killing her parents. Unless her mission is to kill the *prince* and she has feelings for him, I don't see the problem. <br /><br />What with the band of magicians who want to make her into a spy and kill the queen, possibly the prince as well, I feel like there's a big overarching plot that got lost in the tiny details. It sounds to me like the magicians are planning a coup to overthrow the government and take control, and Jules goes along with them to kill the queen. But their coup involves killing the prince/taking over the government, which she might not be OK with. That's the only way all these parts seem to make sense to me.Laurahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15725049899131699912noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-87395843891417112702014-06-08T17:22:18.043-04:002014-06-08T17:22:18.043-04:00SHARK HATTTT!!SHARK HATTTT!!Wintercomhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14561080692849534505noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-42008027370333793412014-06-08T14:21:37.549-04:002014-06-08T14:21:37.549-04:00"Crushing?" This is definitely not a wo..."Crushing?" This is definitely not a word that would be used in the time period in which your story is set. I doubt it is much of a word anyway as it is modern slang.Julia Erganehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04613625453621934834noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-65678677135723459032014-06-08T14:08:07.504-04:002014-06-08T14:08:07.504-04:00The work itself probably needs much the same atten...The work itself probably needs much the same attention as the query - it may be too soon to be approaching agents. The language here feels to me like it shifts in tone from contemporary teenager to a sort of period feel at times - like The Shark, I am confused by the tonal inconsistencies.DLMhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08768285199864217885noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-59580924596163810172014-06-08T11:42:20.227-04:002014-06-08T11:42:20.227-04:00To echo your comment, I saw some really neat thing...To echo your comment, I saw some really neat things happening in the writing. The story is there but the query needs that ever constant pruning.<br /><br />I would like to read the story, even though it's not my favored genre. It seem like a fun story.<br /><br />It is a good point about how much plot to release in the query, i guess just enough plot with good writing to get the Literary Agent interested.<br /> <br />Cheers Hank.french sojournhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14262858704848580714noreply@blogger.com