tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post2362129908387376015..comments2024-03-16T01:00:59.945-04:00Comments on Query Shark: #323-revised 1xJanet Reidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00615380335938685231noreply@blogger.comBlogger11125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-62765968438905326492018-10-14T14:14:47.246-04:002018-10-14T14:14:47.246-04:00After reading the revision, I (of course) have to ...After reading the revision, I (of course) have to agree with the Shark. The book <i>may</i> be fine, but the query doesn't make it look like it is.<br /><br />I think all Willow's choices have to have major drawbacks, and not just for herself. Marry the prince, or the country is destroyed is compelling. But what happens if she doesn't marry her friend? She's sad? That doesn't seem like a really big sacrifice, especially in light of the consequences of not marrying the prince. <br /><br />From the query, it seems pretty obvious her friend is probably a secret prince of some sort, which would be really cliche if that's the actual case. It also seems like the prince she's supposed to marry could be somehow responsible for all the disasters--and again, if true, that's too likely a "twist" as well.<br /><br />If your story is actually much more twisty than I intuited, the query obviously needs work. If my guesses are anywhere close to how the story plays out, well, yeah. The problem is in the book.Elissa Mhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10727748060605823895noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-90809715197419645122018-09-28T10:48:18.582-04:002018-09-28T10:48:18.582-04:00It seems like it's all setup. Willow is confro...It seems like it's all setup. Willow is confronted with a dilemma: marry her friend or the prince. That tells us nothing about what happens. The story must be about conflict. Concentrate on the conflict. <br /><br />If Willow decides to go with one of the boys, we need to know which and what the consequences are. Be specific. Specificity is your friend. <br /><br />Mister Furkleshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07156977719916770984noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-56699452078303564642018-09-26T05:13:26.417-04:002018-09-26T05:13:26.417-04:00To delve deeper into your story and create some tw...To delve deeper into your story and create some twists and turns, check out Donald Maass' 'Writing the Breakout Novel Workbook.' It's a fair bit of work, but if you actually do the exercises, your story will become so much richer and more intriguing. Good luck. I like your style.MA Hudsonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11055543285024785889noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-56064247034919095812018-09-24T17:39:29.045-04:002018-09-24T17:39:29.045-04:00I agree with the comment that the set up kind of r...I agree with the comment that the set up kind of reminds me of Brave. And Brave was very poorly received among Disney's princess movies. I suppose it is different in that Merida didn't have a male friend she was willing to marry to protect him, but the story of a princess being forced to marry a prince she doesn't love was one of the key aspects of that movie and has been in many others as well (Aladdin, though that one was very good!)<br /><br />I guess if you take those two examples above and think about what was the thing that sets them most apart, aside from less compelling differences in story, I'd say it was the genie. (Sure Jasmine was not as prominent a character as Merida since it was Aladdin's story, but Jasmine's predicament still drove every aspect of the story.)<br /><br />I think if you take the genie character out of Aladdin, it is probably about equal to Brave. So maybe you just need to figure out what your "genie" is?Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10149133729213952259noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-26002978112779532612018-09-24T12:38:54.529-04:002018-09-24T12:38:54.529-04:00I think KariV said about what I was thinking: The ...I think KariV said about what I was thinking: The individual sentences in the query are well enough written, but the first paragraph still feels like it's 75% filler. There's some nice turns of phrase involved, which is promising for the book, but it also feels like a lot of them are weighing you down in this short a format. I would use more of your own phrasing than she did, but trim it down to the plot.<br /><br />One example, for the first paragraph: "Eighteen-year-old Willow Starmill will live forever. Her best friend, Finn, is the only mortal left of their island realm. Willow would give up her plant-magic, or worse, she would grow dandelions for the rest of eternity, rather than watch Finn wither over time."<br /><br /><br />I also have a problem with this exact line: "The longer Willow delays answering the prince, the more dangerous her beloved island becomes." <br /><br />This makes it sounds like this is *definitely* because she's not marrying, (and makes me as a reader think pretty badly of her, if wringing her hands over one man were taking priority over curing a plague hurting thousands).<br /><br />But later, you make it sound like this is in doubt, possibly the central question of the plot. (And if she has reason to think it's not her fault, but everybody else thinks she's dithering over Will, that's a very important point of conflict.)<br /><br />Maybe something to the effect of: "As Willow delays her wedding, her beloved island becomes more troubled." This doesn't imply the one is the cause of the other.<br /><br />In general, give a bit less description of what the princess does for hobbies before getting to her first conflict (Will vs. Prophecy), and more detail of the bigger conflict later in the plot (Is it the prophecy making the island fall apart, or some dastard's dastardly plot?)<br /><br /><br />I'm not anymore, but I was a stay at home mom for over 4 years. It has its boring aspects, but so does working in a lab -- or writing books. But it's important and valuable work, and nothing to be ashamed of. Someone who thinks it is is probably not a good agent match anyhow.Lenora Rosehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13853936903611438778noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-65230538634752694282018-09-24T10:51:26.356-04:002018-09-24T10:51:26.356-04:00I don't think the problem is entirely the book...I don't think the problem is entirely the book. I really think it's the query. The book sounds like it has the makings of more conflict, but the query starts too soon and covers too much backstory. You can (and should) cull the query down to the bare essentials.<br /><br />These are the bare bones as I read from what you've already got. <br /><br />"Willow is an immortal princess who doesn't really like the whole "princess" thing. She'd rather be sword fighting with her best friend Finn, a mortal. She'd also be willing to marry him to save him from his own mortality. The problem is, she's already betrothed to a prince thanks to a prophecy made the day she was born.<br /><br />Then a prince shows up. And bad things start to happen on her peaceful island. *Are these things happening because Willow is ignoring the prophecy that she has believed her whole life, or is there something darker at work in Atlantis?*"<br /><br />These are the query essentials. Who, what, why. And stakes.<br /><br />Add a paragraph to play up the "something darker." It sounds like you have a deeper plot twist in your book that didn't make it into the query. Put it in. Or at least more hints. That's what will take your query up a notch and entice agents.<br /><br />Best of luck.KariVhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13824650323413004291noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-3438082535111257742018-09-24T10:16:56.537-04:002018-09-24T10:16:56.537-04:00I will also chime in that there needs to be some t...I will also chime in that there needs to be some twist, as the carefree fantasy princess who doesn't want to get married has been done a lot. If, for example, at the end of Act 1 she *does* marry the prince, and the mayhem keeps going--something like that would make me sit up. Or, another example, if she secretly marries her friend to save his life, *then* finds out about a prophecy, and is now on a quest to kill her friend to save her kingdom...that's some tension.<br /><br />Otherwise my first thought about the friend is: he's got a good 70+ years left in him, plenty of time to find him an immortal wife. <br />Sam Millshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12069749673374661798noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-5394273245121423382018-09-23T18:54:11.125-04:002018-09-23T18:54:11.125-04:00Just wanted to pop in to say that raising kids is ...Just wanted to pop in to say that raising kids is quite literally the greatest thing anyone can do in a lifetime. Carry on!PAHhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18150112855344551488noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-91362278811122606802018-09-23T17:25:09.687-04:002018-09-23T17:25:09.687-04:00At the beginning this query reminded me a bit of B...At the beginning this query reminded me a bit of Brave (the Disney/Pixar movie). <br />You need to present your book in a way that lets the agent eager to read the entire manuscript ASAP (I know it’s not as easy as it sounds, I’m struggling with it myself).<br />Plus, your story seems too simple. You suggest there might be a darker force at work, but apart from that, your MC has only one decisions to make. <br />You need more obstacles, more challenges.Frankiehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14515451171608119922noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-82943058955167969842018-09-23T15:56:58.826-04:002018-09-23T15:56:58.826-04:00It sounds like your book about a girl who is torn ...It sounds like your book about a girl who is torn between saving the world or letting her friend die. That's a no-brainier. If she marries her friend to save him, they all die anyway. There needs to be a twist, something that can save her, her kingdom, and the boy. Finding that piece of the puzzle is where the true story lays. (Or is it, lies? I always get those two confused.)C. D. Monsonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00741893996193747853noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-12079079917583246202018-09-23T13:11:32.343-04:002018-09-23T13:11:32.343-04:00I managed to send prematurely. There are kme gems ...I managed to send prematurely. There are kme gems lost amid the explaining you may want to focus on - what use is an immortal princess, prophecies are never wrong. Cut EVERYTHING aside from those and the bit the shark points out then see what you need to add back in. Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12960940773966113053noreply@blogger.com