tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post3053314981725569119..comments2024-03-16T01:00:59.945-04:00Comments on Query Shark: #223-Revised 3x for the winJanet Reidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00615380335938685231noreply@blogger.comBlogger27125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-82123335800500054062013-09-25T21:16:37.512-04:002013-09-25T21:16:37.512-04:00Aha! Avoid beginning sentences with dependent clau...Aha! Avoid beginning sentences with dependent clauses--excellent. *runs back to query*Joy Slaughterhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04488112728458014023noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-72916641328643471072013-05-03T13:53:12.192-04:002013-05-03T13:53:12.192-04:00Really like the improvements, and especially the w...Really like the improvements, and especially the way you set up the two time periods.<br /><br />I'm also guessing "Sports Night" for the show (not sure if this will make it past moderation) - right time period, and created/written by Sorkin.Jasonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05068508240530262177noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-65173494642043932632013-04-11T21:30:16.651-04:002013-04-11T21:30:16.651-04:00I want to read this, based on the latest query. Wh...I want to read this, based on the latest query. What I really love is that we have TWO women coming back from the dead and that the protagonist is 70 -- which you rarely see. The show biz stuff is fun too.Crystal Chareehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06494533207628369149noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-37098360231212176012012-07-08T12:26:57.868-04:002012-07-08T12:26:57.868-04:00It's amazing to see the way this one progresse...It's amazing to see the way this one progressed. What a great final query. I have a much better sense of who the protagonist and what's at stake. Congratulations!Theresa Milsteinhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03477761307315565259noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-43325569404760294032012-06-13T18:32:01.502-04:002012-06-13T18:32:01.502-04:00One thing the Shark doesn't address, and which...One thing the Shark doesn't address, and which I've always been curious about, is how much star power can boost a book's potential. If this query author turned out to be a reasonably well-known actress (but not a superstar), would that make up for the book's faults and entice an otherwise hesitant agent?Criticushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06827751730819167713noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-49886211765673434472012-06-02T00:24:16.324-04:002012-06-02T00:24:16.324-04:00The 70 year old making a comeback and her 70 year ...<i>The 70 year old making a comeback and her 70 year old fans being excited about it doesn't ring true to me.</i><br /><br />Went to a Bob Seger (b.5/6/45) concert two months ago. It was in an NBA arena. It had sold out in less than a day. Half of the fans were in their teens and early twenties. Went to a wedding last summer. The bride was 22 and the groom a couple of years older. The music was 60s Motown. I guess yawl hate Gershwin and really despise that old Scott Joplin crap. <br /><br />Great music finds new fans in every generation.<br /><br />Me, I’d stop and listen to Josh Bell play two hundred year old stuff on his fiddle.Mister Furkleshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07156977719916770984noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-19713927387998785362012-06-01T07:26:54.781-04:002012-06-01T07:26:54.781-04:00I quite like the premise, although I'll sit on...I quite like the premise, although I'll sit on the fence till the rewrite. I feel like I can see the hook, sort of - but it's out of focus. I am itching to see more of the hook. Great sharking, as ever.Natalie McManushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05484738876656723185noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-88870881707027935852012-05-31T21:26:11.955-04:002012-05-31T21:26:11.955-04:00Dear Query Shark, you may have our words. You may ...Dear Query Shark, you may have our words. You may have our hearts, our souls, our manuscripts. But you may not have our cookies. Those are our cookies. No, Query Shark. No.Asheshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12797621675670255704noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-75966975524368798902012-05-31T17:37:32.193-04:002012-05-31T17:37:32.193-04:00I like the premise of the story, most of it. The 7...I like the premise of the story, most of it. The 70 year old making a comeback and her 70 year old fans being excited about it doesn't ring true to me. For the love of Betty White, the kids these days are calling Madonna a granny and telling her to retire.<br /> To have her come back earlier might both widened your audience and put it in a more interesting time period — late 60s early 70s.Bill Scotthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12727407427730937429noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-69660042440394301752012-05-31T16:43:48.542-04:002012-05-31T16:43:48.542-04:00One thing folks haven't mentioned is Emmy'...One thing folks haven't mentioned is Emmy's age. Since she's 70 coming back, and it's been 40 years, she was 30 in the '50s. "Young showgirl" makes me think early 20s.<br /><br />The other thing is "admits the hoax to the world". Was her "death" a really big deal back then?<br /><br />All that said, this does sound like a great story. And please, for the luvvamike, tell us what show you were on!Rachel6https://www.blogger.com/profile/15138745237488029817noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-55337345765610933902012-05-31T16:18:56.790-04:002012-05-31T16:18:56.790-04:00Ooo, which TV show? There are so many that were g...Ooo, which TV show? There are so many that were great, but pulled too quickly. Must look this up. <br /><br />I wish the woman would come back sooner. All the way into her 70s? I agree with Query Shark--it's a long time to live another life. There must be so many strings attached with that life. And how was she not recognizable all that time? It's an intriguing premise. Can't wait for the query rewrite. <br /><br />I was confused about the flashback aspect too.Theresa Milsteinhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03477761307315565259noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-36334096626879068922012-05-31T13:50:06.310-04:002012-05-31T13:50:06.310-04:00As the Shark mentioned as the reader I need to kno...As the Shark mentioned as the reader I need to know a bit about the catalyst- why does Emmy come forward now? You hint that there is a promise she wants to keep, but what made her wait until now and what does doing a comeback concert have to do with it? Since so much of the query is around her fame/music I sense it must be important, but I don't know why.<br /><br />I also have a disconnect with her age the comeback concert idea. She would have had to have been HUGE for this to be a big draw with her music appealing not just to her old fans, but to current fans. For example, Connie Francis was very popular in the 1950's, but I'm guessing most people couldn't name a single one of her songs now. If she staged a comeback concert would they get people to come? Most people in their 70's don't go to live music events (the risk of breaking a hip while crowd surfing can hold them back.)<br /><br />Now if Emmy was like Elvis it is a different story. If Elvis showed up now and said "Hey that whole dead on the toilet thing? PSYCH! I dyed my hair blond called myself Karl and have worked as a tour guide at Graceland for the past few decades" that would be a big story. His music is still popular and a concert would likely attract attention. <br /><br />If the comeback concert isn't important to why she's coming forward now then I think it's acting as a distraction. <br /><br />Good luck!Eileenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07967828178034612278noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-16569086910914873632012-05-31T11:57:45.261-04:002012-05-31T11:57:45.261-04:00Someone please figure out what show Ms. Shark is r...Someone please figure out what show Ms. Shark is referring to, because my own pop culture knowledge is too sparse to actually launch a detective campaign, but "smart, well-written and underrated" is just my kind of thing. I imagine others would agree.Phirehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08172586855516759331noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-42597164654154232002012-05-31T09:09:39.131-04:002012-05-31T09:09:39.131-04:00Otis Redding became famous after his death because...Otis Redding became famous after his death because "Dock of the Bay" was released after he died. Before that he was known to some fans of Rhythm and Blues but nobody else. <br /><br />If his death were faked and he returned from hiding after forty years (2007), how long would it take for his first concert to sell out? <br /><br />So if "Show Girl" includes recording singles which become popular after her faked death, she might well be remembered.Mister Furkleshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07156977719916770984noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-22482743410353289132012-05-31T07:26:30.130-04:002012-05-31T07:26:30.130-04:00I also agree with John. Keep your timeline linear ...I also agree with John. Keep your timeline linear in your query. It's easier for everybody.<br /><br />Now let's talk math. "70" caught my eye because my mom's about to turn 70. She was born during WWII. That means she was too young to be a Vegas showgirl or a rock star in the 50s, which wasn't 40 years ago, but 60 years ago. So is the book set in the 90s? <br /><br />Ms. Shark, no offense, but the dew-knot-drop-in thing works both ways. If, when I was looking for an agent, one had shown up on the porch, I would have been more than a little freaked. (Though I might have offered tea just so we could discuss these stupid "captcha" thingies, which I've apparently now typed incorrectly four times.)Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-59837317234914542822012-05-30T19:31:04.458-04:002012-05-30T19:31:04.458-04:00I'd read this story too. And now I'm dying...I'd read this story too. And now I'm dying to know what show you were on, because I'm a huge fan of a smart, well written show that was on for those years... ;)Robin Lemkehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12254896327174187893noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-2366681411624470112012-05-30T18:10:08.410-04:002012-05-30T18:10:08.410-04:00Dear Ms. Shark, One minor point, Vegas in the '...Dear Ms. Shark, One minor point, Vegas in the '50s was run by the mob. So were a lot of record labels. There are several historical cases that back up your writer and should not dissuade you. Given your youth, we understand why you might hesitate :)Andrewhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00979624652744200894noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-10933702291640724022012-05-30T18:05:38.991-04:002012-05-30T18:05:38.991-04:00I agree with John...I agree with John...Jeff Kinghttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00667419764890599092noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-21996785881602104232012-05-30T17:50:38.539-04:002012-05-30T17:50:38.539-04:00I agree that there seems to be a disconnect betwee...I agree that there seems to be a disconnect between the first and second paragraphs and thus the timelines, and think some restructuring or tense changes could help. If you put the second paragraph in the past or even the pluperfect tense, it would show that the showgirl era of her life had taken place before she faked her death and the "now" of the story, when she's coming out of exile.Kristin Laughtinhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01536556357622503501noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-68695751391211369442012-05-30T17:06:55.440-04:002012-05-30T17:06:55.440-04:00When mentioning the decade, the correct short form...When mentioning the decade, the correct short form of the 1950s is the '50s. If you put the apostrophe before the S, you are referring to someone in their 50's. It's too small potatoes for our Shark to pounce on in a critique, but I noticed it, and so will the literary agents you query.Dahlia Northhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16805057613794022683noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-32323201516619243802012-05-30T17:05:54.305-04:002012-05-30T17:05:54.305-04:00I am not a fan of the time travel. First we find o...I am not a fan of the time travel. First we find out that Emmy's been "dead" for forty years, then we flashback. I wasn't sure it was the same person until the end of the second paragraph.<br /><br />Also, we don't get a sense in that second paragraph that she really made it big, just that she was on her way. And after forty years, who remembers the people who were almost big?Johnhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00068198437488875445noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-65021094944653148532012-05-30T16:19:38.434-04:002012-05-30T16:19:38.434-04:00Finally! The shark is back.Finally! The shark is back.patlaffhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02522643437164634921noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-13762260997099775102012-05-30T15:40:10.504-04:002012-05-30T15:40:10.504-04:00Love that query critique.Love that query critique.Kimbra Kaschhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16955657301998255029noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-83599146536127836972012-05-30T12:54:19.555-04:002012-05-30T12:54:19.555-04:00Aw, man, now I want to know what show you were on,...Aw, man, now I want to know what show you were on, author! :D<br /><br />Your book sounds right up my alley--I love Vegas and its history, along with the 1950s as a time period. Good luck with your query!Tintinhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15976209667609049159noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-32104678846552396792012-05-30T11:14:22.547-04:002012-05-30T11:14:22.547-04:00I am personally interested in historical fiction f...I am personally interested in historical fiction from the 20s to the 60s... and I'd love to see more of it. Vegas is such a world unto itself-- let that shine in your query... and show us how your story is distinctive.KatOwens: Insect Collectorhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12228171304170449979noreply@blogger.com