tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post32132896936185856..comments2024-03-16T01:00:59.945-04:00Comments on Query Shark: #295Janet Reidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00615380335938685231noreply@blogger.comBlogger12125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-54874869128217111052018-03-23T20:52:26.567-04:002018-03-23T20:52:26.567-04:00For what it's worth, I think Predator's Ti...For what it's worth, I think Predator's Tithe is really evocative as a title, it grabbed me better than the other two and has a lot of interesting connotations. I feel like the religious overtones to the word tithe might make it a little out of place though, but maybe the rest of the story supports it better. I also liked Dismembrists, but in my head I'm picturing the Decemberists as a Heavy Metal band.MackAttackhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14933997983064274621noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-71814771499158651632018-03-23T20:51:42.222-04:002018-03-23T20:51:42.222-04:00I love your perspective on that, and I agree! With...I love your perspective on that, and I agree! With this character in particular, it was her drill instructor, so she was already on the military path. That suggests she was already a pretty strong, empowered lady, especially since she chose the Marines. She didn't really need rape as a motivation for her training when her already-chosen path as a Marine would already cover that. The way I see it, Cassie was already doing her thing, getting her groove on, when her drill instructor almost derailed the plan. But Cassie kept going. Acted like nothing happened. Sank herself into her military career. Became the best of the best because that's what she had always intended to do in the first place. Perhaps the rape influenced her slightly, gave her a little more steel in her determination. But this was always who she was. That also creates a contrast between her and her bff. Cassie just wants to forget it. Melody literally spends all day/every day surrounded by rape and rape victims. Feels like there should be some drama there between their different approaches, maybe that's why she doesn't live close to basically her sister. Maybe that's an obstacle to Cassie's choice on what to do. I think it's fairly clear you intend Cassie to help Melody get away with murder. Maybe she resists that choice not out of any moral qualms for herself, but because she just doesn't want anything to do with rapists or her past.MackAttackhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14933997983064274621noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-49792998788207815542018-02-26T14:41:37.113-05:002018-02-26T14:41:37.113-05:00I get the awful feeling that a man wrote this book...I get the awful feeling that a man wrote this book and is using a gruesome rape as nothing more than a plot device. Hard pass.Lexhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02957458557041042566noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-63307315971363776742018-02-06T17:23:56.761-05:002018-02-06T17:23:56.761-05:00My main concern is less the accuracy of how the mi...My main concern is less the accuracy of how the military handles sexual assault than it being used as a cheap plot point.<br /><br />The military is rife with sexual assault, and to the best of my knowledge it's still handled internally. That means whoever reports is going to have their character torn apart, put through hell, and most likely end up with an early discharge or at the very least a letter in his/her record labeling them as a trouble maker. The perpetrator? Moved to a different post, MAYBE a slap on the wrist, and they go on their merry way. The VA has resources for victims of military sexual assault, but the military itself does nothing. I spoke with a JAG when I was a witness in a court martial (unrelated to SA) and how he told me victims were treated has burned itself into my brain. When I first enlisted is when the sexual assault scandals went up to the general in charge of the Army and the Air Force Academy was notorious for rape being part of a female cadet's "training."<br /><br />Be very thorough and diligent in research to avoid anachronisms (veterans read books) and please understand that some of us take sexual assault, especially sexual assault experienced in military service, very seriously.<br /><br />Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16137128683078861172noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-89189225735818340802018-01-25T21:43:50.033-05:002018-01-25T21:43:50.033-05:00While I actually don't doubt someone can becom...While I actually don't doubt someone can become a trauma surgeon and a hand-to-hand combat expert and work for an elite marine strike force and then be tapped for the CIA, I do think you're laying on your character's specialness way too thick, in ways that don't actually matter to the plot you've laid out and only serve to bog down your query. Here's my quick and dirty take on a query where she's still clearly very skilled, but doesn't make readers immediately think she's a mary sue:<br /><br />"When 18 year old Cassie Gordon is savagely raped by her drill instructor, she swears she will never be victimized again. She copes the only way she knows how: by throwing herself relentlessly at her goal, and excelling. Now, 12 years later, Cassie is a trauma surgeon for an elite marine strike force and an expert hand-to-hand combatant. Between her skills and the team members she's busy keeping safe, she can almost forget the trauma from so long ago.<br /><br />But when the CIA recruits Cassie and sends her for training at her best friend Melody's home town, Cassie must reckon with her past in a way she never expected. Melody, a survivor of the same drill sargeant, has spent the past decade as a rape counselor. Sick of a system that repeatedly allows serial rapists to go free, she has decided to take matters into her own hands. Cassie can't dissuade Melody from her dangerous path, so she faces a choice - betray the woman she considers a sister, or risk everything in the stable life she's built to keep Melody from going to jail."Dianahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12903769987102323215noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-53987188950884242072018-01-22T17:34:34.567-05:002018-01-22T17:34:34.567-05:00I just want to say I enjoyed the post (and the que...I just want to say I enjoyed the post (and the query) and hope you keep working on it! It sounds like an exciting book, and even though I don't have any additional suggestions beyond what Ms. Reid said, I wanted to say something supportive.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-32190011784868630432018-01-22T11:41:06.674-05:002018-01-22T11:41:06.674-05:00*sigh* believe it or not, one can become a physici...*sigh* believe it or not, one can become a physician AND Marine. After all, Cassie did get raped by her drill instructor. She could havd been in NROTC training in either high school, college, or both. In exchange for classes, she trains for the Navy, which the Marines is under. 12 years is plenty of time to achieve both or simply be hired by the Navy/Marines as a physician tending to servicemembers and their families. Plus, Cassie could apply for the CIA since she fits the requirements and has a good chance of being hired. I would've just stated what she currently does rather than going through her history in the query. The story is centered around Cassie, Melody and what each considers justice.<br /><br />There are plenty horror stories of how military service members get away with rape to fuel Melody's anger, especially since there is no mention that their drill sergeant is serving/served time. Melody's counseling job could be a cover to find rapists who have gotten away with what they've done and kill them!<br /><br />I suggest keeping Cassie as the protagonist and turning Melody into the antagonist since she wants to take the law into her own hands. Cassie lost the Melody she knew a long time ago, maybe even after the rape and it's taken Cassie this long to come to this revelation.WritesMyLifehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11033104587028511031noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-20278105400765509652018-01-22T05:50:03.907-05:002018-01-22T05:50:03.907-05:00Hello Dear,
I really like your blog, it's rea...Hello Dear,<br /><br />I really like your blog, it's really useful for me.<br /><br />Find Professional Job In Canada, Australia, UK & USA – Jobstou<br /><br /><a href="https://www.soffie.shop/" rel="nofollow">Find professional job in USA</a>, Canada, Australia,& UK at Jobstou.com. We help you when applying for a job directly with Increase interview probability.<br /><br />Visit Now - <a href='http://jobstou.com/>http://jobstou.com/</a>akshayrajhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11230820212111614178noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-70035874693906667342018-01-21T18:31:52.756-05:002018-01-21T18:31:52.756-05:00I love genre fiction that shows assault survivors ...I love genre fiction that shows assault survivors in a position of strength and progress, so I'm usually the prime target for books like this.<br /><br />But you totally lost me when she went from learning self-defense (reasonable) then becoming a trauma surgeon (also good and very cool) and then an elite Marine (wait what HOW) and then the CIA (WHAT I'M SO LOST).<br /><br />I clicked more with Melody since her survival path felt more realistic and achievable, and I agree with the other commenters that she seems to drive the story much more than Cassie.<br /><br />Also, oooft, the comment about "I don't consider this chick lit"... I appreciate your honesty, truly, but that was painful to read. It shows a lot of unfamiliarity with genre fic like this, especially the work currently being created by women writers. And the social awkwardness with Cassie that you mention in this same paragraph doesn't ring true to the actual query at all.E.Mareehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17283073495361530535noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-53662263906745842612018-01-21T17:59:15.210-05:002018-01-21T17:59:15.210-05:00This might just be me, but I’m super over stories ...This might just be me, but I’m super over stories where the strength of the strong female character is rooted in being a victim of sexual violence. Not that it’s a bad idea in and of itself, but it comes up so often that I’ve come to view it as a way of limiting and diminishing her personal agency. I don’t know if this is helpful, since it’s obviously an important part of your story, but it might be worthwhile to look at it as a trope and explain why what you’re doing is different. Daisy Batemanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10031425541717458261noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-4595387992676687262018-01-21T15:19:40.089-05:002018-01-21T15:19:40.089-05:00To be honest, by the end of the query, I wasn'...To be honest, by the end of the query, I wasn't sure if your main protagonist was Cassie or Melody. It might be more engaging to follow one more closely. It also felt like a fair portion of backstory. Maybe more of a focus on the immediate action?J.A. Haighhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01764505566276222525noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-77732126370877576172018-01-21T14:44:09.610-05:002018-01-21T14:44:09.610-05:00Right now, the way your query is written, you have...Right now, the way your query is written, you have a Mary Sue as a main character. She's a surgeon, she's a marine, she has a photographic memory, she's uber skilled in hand-to-hand combat. Other than her rape, she's got it all going on. She's too good to be true! Because she does, I just don't care about her. I need something to be sympathetic about her. Nothing really drew me in to be interested in your main character. Her friend comes across as more interesting than she is. Perhaps she should be the main character...nightsmusichttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05984119792540771870noreply@blogger.com