tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post3465060049621914350..comments2024-03-16T01:00:59.945-04:00Comments on Query Shark: #227-revised 4x FTWJanet Reidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00615380335938685231noreply@blogger.comBlogger18125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-74249147908180883122016-05-27T16:43:49.849-04:002016-05-27T16:43:49.849-04:00"Poor old NOT-George Clooney?" I laughed..."Poor old NOT-George Clooney?" I laughed the first time I read it and laughed even harder reading it again today. Great line! Loved "why Not-George," too.anniehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06226568186166369146noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-55970514545945957562013-02-17T16:48:46.031-05:002013-02-17T16:48:46.031-05:00Wow! This one came a long way. It sounds really co...Wow! This one came a long way. It sounds really compelling!Laurahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15725049899131699912noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-17536376990592716142013-02-16T21:09:12.193-05:002013-02-16T21:09:12.193-05:00As each new line appeared, I became more intrigued...As each new line appeared, I became more intrigued. No wonder this query wins. Congrats!Theresa Milsteinhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03477761307315565259noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-62032932582329683962013-01-20T14:12:33.114-05:002013-01-20T14:12:33.114-05:00I bet George Clooney doesn't date too many wom...I bet George Clooney doesn't date too many women over 30. This would work better if you said George Clooney-type. Many women could then relate to her need to be attached to someone rich, handsome, and successful just as they'd relate to her own drive for success. <br /><br />Let us see the humor in and feel for her winding up with a cheating Mr. Wrong (hey, maybe that's more like George Clooney than she knows). Show us her bumbling pursuit of her dreams. <br /><br />Ah, Tiger Beat. I got all my Duran Duran info from there. (Should I admit that?)Theresa Milsteinhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03477761307315565259noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-54849814879377755512012-12-29T15:47:12.242-05:002012-12-29T15:47:12.242-05:00"You're telling me this is a comedy in a ..."You're telling me this is a comedy in a letter that isn't funny; that it's quirky in a letter that isn't and inspiring in a letter that isn't that either."<br /><br />Damn it. My latest query letter isn't funny at all either. Ah well, lucky for me, nothing says humor like writing a query letter for the hundredth time. Back to the drawing board. Thank you for saving me from me, query shark.<br />Buzz Malonehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17889654064679085418noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-31855805974664416512012-11-11T14:31:00.828-05:002012-11-11T14:31:00.828-05:00This is such a different query. It was so differe...This is such a different query. It was so different that I didn't remember the first one and had to check it. I have a much clearer sense of what's at stake. Much improved!Theresa Milsteinhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03477761307315565259noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-72228831450670423892012-09-19T17:46:28.644-04:002012-09-19T17:46:28.644-04:00I wonder how long the writer has been at his/her c...I wonder how long the writer has been at his/her craft. When I had my idea for my first book, I understood plot, but I don't think I was able to articulate it in a query. This is one of those instances where reading many successful queries might help or it might just take a lot of writing to put all the different aspects that make a book together. It took me years to figure out how to get the story right and how to articulate it in 2-3 paragraphs. Theresa Milsteinhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03477761307315565259noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-59411223096683838152012-09-15T21:32:59.594-04:002012-09-15T21:32:59.594-04:00This seems like a very common story. If you are go...This seems like a very common story. If you are going to get an agent, or even readers, you need to show why it's uncommon. If you have an amazing voice that makes the story worth reading, I don't see it here in the query.<br /><br />Plus 104,000 words? That's a lot. Particularly for a debut. <br /><br />Mister Furkles,<br /><br />I think that she means something enticing by upswing or at least something that's leading somewhere. You're right that 172, 179, and 192 are all start with something not happy but they are enticing. For example from 192: "One week ago, Claire's cousin Dinah slit her wrists." While that's not happy, it's interesting. The first thing I wondered was: Why? And I read on. The beat in that was full of tension, too. It was also short and to the point. Not 52 words of a series of depressing things that seem to go nowhere but Vivien giving up on her dreams and doing nothing. I could be wrong, but that's at least what I think.Kim (YA Asylum)https://www.blogger.com/profile/01933643189969276703noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-37806889151827684662012-09-15T19:36:35.282-04:002012-09-15T19:36:35.282-04:00"Spell czech." I lol'd.
This sounds..."Spell czech." I lol'd.<br /><br />This sounds like wish fulfillment. Woman wants dream; it magically appears without her having to actually do any *work*. She's on vacation and Frank just offers her the chance to work with his band? What did she do to get his attention? ...or maybe the question is, *who* did she do? :P And anyway, how does working with a band help her "pursue her love of acting"? <br /><br />As an actor, the line "will La La land give Vivienne the courage to conquer her fear of forgetting her lines onstage and fulfill her dreams of becoming an Oscar winning actress?" was a red flag of DID NOT DO RESEARCH. Film acting and stage acting are completely different. Mainly, you don't have the pressure of f/ing up your lines in front of a live audience when you're in film. If you flub, then whatever, you just do another take. If Vivienne wants to get over her fear of performing *onstage*, then going into film won't help her. Also, Oscars are film awards...not stage awards.<br /><br />First her dream is community theater (?!?), then it's working with a band, then it's the film business and winning an Oscar...and there's a romance in there somewhere. This woman is all over the place.<br /><br />I don't know what she wants, and the way Vivienne is described makes me wonder if she even has any talent. Men in the business offer her opportunities for seemingly no reason. A book can't just be a string of lucky breaks.Laurahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15725049899131699912noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-57100772423371806092012-09-15T03:06:30.804-04:002012-09-15T03:06:30.804-04:00Nonplussed, perplexed, flabbergasted. It's ob...Nonplussed, perplexed, flabbergasted. It's obviously still possible to submit a query that fails on so many do-this-and-do-not-do-this instructions available in the archives.<br /><br />Lady Shark and previous comments sum up better anything I could contribute.<br /><br />Scribble Orcahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04490476452360049224noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-72968141284425918272012-09-14T20:28:38.695-04:002012-09-14T20:28:38.695-04:00I'm a little confused by the fact that the mai...I'm a little confused by the fact that the main character wants to be an actress but is making her community theatre debut at 33. I mean, that's a fine thing to do, but if she wants this as a career, why is she just starting now? Did she have an epiphany at 32 after 10 years as an insurance adjuster? Did she suffer from debilitating anxiety throughout her 20s and has recently had a breakthrough? Is she just really, really bad at acting but determined to improve?<br /><br />I'm not asking to be difficult, but because I think the answer to this question will reveal what makes your character interesting and worth rooting for. Because I have a feeling she probably is, we just don't know it yet.Lady Epsilonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11281419379992599515noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-420452101144771822012-09-13T14:25:21.765-04:002012-09-13T14:25:21.765-04:00The problem I see is that Vivienne is not pursuing...The problem I see is that Vivienne is not pursuing her dreams in the slightest. Both your plot twists are initiated by other people miraculously spotting her talent without her ever having to go out and WORK for what she wants. That's not inspirational. That's the story of the luckiest woman on the planet and how lucky she is. <br /><br />MISTER FURKLES: I believe Madame Shark means an upswing in action and tension. The character's circumstances may be grim, but the story is cooking.Sarahhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03029615886562584784noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-50192758627321224722012-09-11T18:02:51.913-04:002012-09-11T18:02:51.913-04:00I took out all of Query Sharks comments so that I ...I took out all of Query Sharks comments so that I could clearly read your QL.<br /><br />I am not going to comment on the pros and cons of the structure of the QL, Query Shark does it better – clearly!<br /><br />I will comment on what this mini-synopsis (that’s what it looks like to me) expresses to me;<br />Vivienne never learns from her past/ is destined to continue to repeat her mistakes.<br />Bad choice in boyfriends<br />Bad choice in acting jobs<br />Flighty (changing careers at the drop of a hat)<br />A give-up attitude<br />Flighty (changing countries and careers as the drop of a hat – you never explain how being part of a band can lead to acting work)<br />Flighty & give-up attitude, gives up on musician<br />Bad choice in men<br />Bad choice in acting jobs (how can a small-time movie director lead her to the Oscars?- HUGE leap especially given how flighty she is. <br />I half expect her to end up doing soft-porn – which by the way, would be more interesting)<br />And then, just to top it all off, she 30+ years old and her biggest fear is forgetting her lines?<br /><br />Your main character is not so much boring as uninspiring. I have no desire to know her. Truth be told, I actually find her frustrating and weep a little for all the suffragettes who marched a 100 years ago, so that a modern 30-year-old could be this pathetic.<br /><br />I have no idea if your novel has some great images and fantastic twists and turns, but if I was reading this QL, that’s the list I would make - and of-course never forget the lack of spell-check and clearly not re-reading ones own work; 1st draft perhaps?Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14150816794749975722noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-37131097972473422902012-09-11T08:09:49.085-04:002012-09-11T08:09:49.085-04:00104,000 words. That's impressive. Even if 99% ...104,000 words. That's impressive. Even if 99% of those words are garbage and the other 1% are conjunctions. That's a lot of words you've written. <br /><br />The query did not grab me, but other people can give you better advice than I.<br /><br />QS's line "comb your hair, polish your shoes, check your spells" conjured up a witch going into a job interview....Rachel6https://www.blogger.com/profile/15138745237488029817noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-78216152297583947852012-09-10T13:23:48.628-04:002012-09-10T13:23:48.628-04:00Author,
You got 100,000 words--congratulations! T...Author,<br /><br />You got 100,000 words--congratulations! That takes time and writing--two things writers have to have to put their stories together.<br /><br />However, I think the Shark's point is that you need to tell us why this story is important...not because the character needs a man so bad, but WHY she needs one and WHY she needs/wants to be an actress.<br /><br />You need GMC. That's GOAL MOTIVATION and CONFLICT. I see a bit of the goals here, but I don't know what's motivating the character. I don't know WHY everthing is so important to the character or why I should care about her. I also don't know what's at stake. What could happen if the character doesn't accomplish her goal? I don't have any reason to ROOT for the character. Readers need to connect with characters to root for them.<br /><br />For example, in the story BEAUTY & THE BEAST, if the Beast fails at finding a woman to love him despite his appearances and love her in return he must remain a beast his entire life. He hates being a beast, so obviously it's going to motivate him to find that woman. His conflict? Externally he's a beast (what woman wants to fall in love with a frightening looking creature?) also in a lot of stories he lacks patience and control over his temper--that can chase women away...but through Beauty looking beyond his physical and through him LEARNING how to overcome his shortcomings, they're able to achieve him turning back into a man.<br /><br />On a personal note, your query left me feeling like all the character did was fail at every single thing she tried. I don't know about other readers, but to me, that's depressing. I want a story where, even if there's not a total happily-ever-after, I leave feeling like character might find a way to his or her happily ever after.<br /><br />For example, in Syrie James's NOCTURNE, not everything about the ending is happy...but you have hope that maybe someday it will have a complete happily-ever-after.<br /><br />You got the ideas, you just need to add depth. GMC worksheets can help with that.<br /><br />Also, if you don't have a critique partner, I recommend getting at least one. Joining a writers' group where you have a chance to really learn about the business and get ideas for stories and plotlines is another thing I highly recommend. <br /><br />Best wishes in the future.Bethanyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04001921970529109760noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-86364637897683290572012-09-10T03:02:40.067-04:002012-09-10T03:02:40.067-04:00I am genuinely interested in hearing more about yo...I am genuinely interested in hearing more about your "spell czech" ;)<br />He or she must be a nice person to endure all that running and checking things twice. A recent immigrant perhaps?<br /><br />Just kidding. That's a great example of the kind of things that get output by speech to computer typing programs and yet wont get caught in any spelling check computer program.Reno Chrishttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13611568887223168308noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-17627034192230166792012-09-09T22:02:34.781-04:002012-09-09T22:02:34.781-04:00Janet,
You wrote “That first paragraph should end...Janet,<br /><br />You wrote “That first paragraph should end on an upswing.” So, I reread some of the queries that worked. Some openings end on a decided downswing for me. What do you mean? To me, the ones that you liked do three things: <br /><br />1. Show a story teller’s voice – compelling prose.<br /><br />2. Introduce an intriguing main character. <br /><br />3. Suggest that the MC is on a path to crisis. <br /><br />Especially numbers 172, 179, and 192. Those are hits on the first try. So, what do you mean by ‘upswing’. <br />Mister Furkleshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07156977719916770984noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-35653741290944213112012-09-09T09:22:02.963-04:002012-09-09T09:22:02.963-04:00Okay, writer, you've written 100,000 words of ...Okay, writer, you've written 100,000 words of the million that we writers have to write before we've got something of publishable quality. And you're working on the next 100,000. That's great.<br /><br />As you forge ahead, spend some time getting to know sentence rhythm. Learn the care and feeding of the comma. Read your work aloud, a lot, if only to yourself, to see what sounds right and what sounds wrong.<br /><br />Think about storytelling, too. Marion Zimmer Bradley said (I paraphrase) that a story consists of a likable character overcoming an obstacle to achieve a worthwhile goal. Show us a character we can root for. Put her back to the wall. Show us how she comes out swingin'.<br /><br />Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com