tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post4546157279926506669..comments2024-03-16T01:00:59.945-04:00Comments on Query Shark: #84-Revised twiceJanet Reidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00615380335938685231noreply@blogger.comBlogger18125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-23686596914054588702013-09-24T21:24:08.122-04:002013-09-24T21:24:08.122-04:00Ah! The antagonist. I see now that I need to stren...Ah! The antagonist. I see now that I need to strengthen the antagonist's portrayal in my query. Thank you.Joy Slaughterhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04488112728458014023noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-1391800738281830892009-03-08T21:25:00.000-04:002009-03-08T21:25:00.000-04:00How about Xenacanthida U.? They all died out duri...How about Xenacanthida U.? They all died out during the Permian Mass Extinction, so nobody's around to sue.<BR/><BR/>WV: upedled--open university offering continuing education for former Tour de France competitors.talpiannahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13978075304795724185noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-60237534562644287582009-01-26T17:25:00.000-05:002009-01-26T17:25:00.000-05:00That article is far too funny. But take it from a...That article is far too funny. But take it from a man who lived on Seaman's Neck Road and then moved to Dicktown Road. Names are far too important. My family will never let me live that downdmciiihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13776016935339771703noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-75611116966343086212009-01-26T02:06:00.000-05:002009-01-26T02:06:00.000-05:00Here are some suggestions on naming places<A HREF="http://www.nytimes.com/2009/01/23/world/europe/23crapstone.html?_r=1" REL="nofollow">Here are some suggestions on naming places</A>Janet Reidhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00615380335938685231noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-25553376712167922832009-01-26T00:43:00.000-05:002009-01-26T00:43:00.000-05:00A quick poll. Since Hudson University is out, but ...A quick poll. Since Hudson University is out, but I need the name to end University (the storyline has the merger of two "colleges" into a larger "university") any votes:<BR/>a) Reid University<BR/>b) Hammerhead U.<BR/>c) Sharkson University<BR/>d) Squalus University<BR/>Query College sounds too much like an online school. I'll definately have to rename the sports teams the sharks though. Any thoughts, suggestions?dmciiihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13776016935339771703noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-42814900681545839422009-01-25T21:11:00.000-05:002009-01-25T21:11:00.000-05:00The reason its taken so long to rewrite the query ...The reason its taken so long to rewrite the query is that all the comments and other posts here have really been helping rewrite the story. Before I could even try the query again I had to rework certain parts of the novel. Its been totally amazing and I can't thank you all enough. So time to start round three as soon as I finish the rest of the sharks posts. Back to the chum bucketdmciiihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13776016935339771703noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-44804250431637240722009-01-25T14:37:00.000-05:002009-01-25T14:37:00.000-05:00Wow, what a huge improvement in the revision. Not ...Wow, what a huge improvement in the revision. Not everyone can take advice and work with it so well. The story is really starting to sound intriguing. Good luck with the next iteration, author; it looks like you're on your way to nailing it.pangolinhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12710248825039404443noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-72233407107694141132009-01-20T00:55:00.000-05:002009-01-20T00:55:00.000-05:00I really want to thank you all for the comments. ...I really want to thank you all for the comments. As a non-blogger I didn't even realize the comments section were available until a few days ago. I have been reading continuously ever since. I have been taking all the suggestions and reworking the query (the novel as well) <BR/><BR/>Talpianna - Dr. Robs maneuvers are focusing Katie away from all media by keeping her busy as she starts her new academic career. TV is the downfall. Im told by a local intellectual property attorney that Hudson University is a common ficticious institution too generalized to be copyrighted by name only. I would need to reference another works use of Hudson University to have any conflict. But Im glad I checked.<BR/><BR/>BUFFY SQUIRREL - You were right on and not. The fact she is a cancer survivor is central to the plot. But my query doesn't focus enough on Kate to explain that. Your comment really helped focus the rewrite Thanks<BR/><BR/>Just me/Crimogenic Thanks for the encouragement and your right as of course is Janet (i needed to rework/enhance the voice of my main character.)<BR/><BR/>Lehcarjt - Yeap As Janet said I need to explain the antagonistic and protagonistic character of the Covenant better. It was just too confusing and the nature of the covenant too involved. Either that or just leave it out since the<BR/>Query would be way too long. Her analytical nature and the conflict with her uncontrolable outbursts was my issue it came out unclear.<BR/><BR/>Jeanorum Thanks for the encouragment. Im trying but Im finding less is more<BR/><BR/>JS Boy did you say a mouthful. Ive had to rewrite and edit to give voice and take away cold stilted language. Too many years of legal briefs. I tried a legal thriller and found it way too difficult as a first novel in years. I needed to focus away from the law to find the characters. I hope it works<BR/><BR/>Beth Clare JS You were right (Im still wrong) it was a spelling error. IT was arrayed. in fact it was arrayed until I pasted to the email and stupidly did a last spell check before sending. I didn't trust my own proofs. checked the word one last time and hit the wrong alternative in a list. (Shame on me) But I do believe Letch is correct as is lech.<BR/><BR/>Again thank you all so much and now I can start helping other people (not that Im in a position to judge) At least some positive motivation Thanks againdmciiihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13776016935339771703noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-26142323107480655012008-12-15T17:50:00.000-05:002008-12-15T17:50:00.000-05:00"Letch" is a perfectly correct variant spelling of..."Letch" is a perfectly correct variant spelling of "lech" (short for "lecher", as Beth guessed).<BR/><BR/>Reading the letter out loud probably would have caught the "allayed" thing (I can't figure out whether it was meant to be "arrayed" or "allied").JShttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13974691019739092440noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-26488242373422955772008-12-15T00:39:00.000-05:002008-12-15T00:39:00.000-05:00Actually, I thought "allayed" was meant to be "arr...Actually, I thought "allayed" was meant to be "arrayed."<BR/><BR/>And too many commas.Clare K. R. Millerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11841162467916897873noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-90646663869533877002008-12-14T21:06:00.000-05:002008-12-14T21:06:00.000-05:00When you rewrite, watch the spelling errors. Allay...When you rewrite, watch the spelling errors. Allayed instead of allied. Letch instead of...lech? As in, lecherous?Bethhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08504439129670380071noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-27318389303219466522008-12-14T17:50:00.000-05:002008-12-14T17:50:00.000-05:00In addition to the good points everyone else has m...In addition to the good points everyone else has made, I want to highlight for the querier that this language feels incredibly stilted. (If the querier's been writing a lot of legal documents, that might explain it!)<BR/><BR/>Folks, read your query letter out loud. It's a business letter, but it still needs to have a conversational flow. I bet if this querier had read the letter out loud, he or she would have cut out some of the word-snarls like "attempts to maintain Kate's ignorance of the series of bizarre attacks and murders plaguing the University and its surrounding community since her arrival."JShttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13974691019739092440noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-28620723598085326122008-12-13T11:39:00.000-05:002008-12-13T11:39:00.000-05:00I found this really helpful: "Focus. Your main cha...I found this really helpful: "Focus. Your main character. What's her problem? What choices does she face? What's her dilemma? Leave out all the rest."<BR/><BR/>Thanks, Shark<BR/><BR/>Difficult, but maybe a good place to start over. You can do it!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-7239105341625848262008-12-13T11:37:00.000-05:002008-12-13T11:37:00.000-05:00The story underneath this query interests me. I l...The story <I>underneath</I> this query interests me. I like the idea of the young, studious teacher and the mystery of what is really going on. I think perhaps the author is trying to give us the wrong information though.<BR/><BR/>I don’t have any sense for what the real problem is. Who is she fighting? What exactly is the enemy and why should I care that they are causing her anger? I’d encourage you to be very, very specific rather than trying to keep it all a mystery.<BR/><BR/><I>Kate’s inquisitive and analytical nature prove impossible to control </I> This is a very odd thing to include. Saying she can’t control her inquisitive nature makes her sound like a TSTL heroine – the type that runs straight to the hatchet wielding serial killer because she thinks it is the best way to discover his identity. And I’m a pretty analytical person myself, and I’ve never seen that as something that is out of control.Lehcarjthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17171145477602995121noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-51796742047379811572008-12-13T10:20:00.000-05:002008-12-13T10:20:00.000-05:00yup, focus on the main character, Kate, and let th...yup, focus on the main character, Kate, and let the query build around her.About Mehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10011023963327391019noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-57707033018501061082008-12-13T10:19:00.000-05:002008-12-13T10:19:00.000-05:00Author: the topic sounds interesting. I think you ...Author: the topic sounds interesting. I think you probably have a great story there. It's just not coming out in the query. Which may mean your story needs another edit or two, or may just mean you need some people to look over the query. <BR/><BR/><BR/>So:<BR/>* white space<BR/>* focus on what happens to the MC<BR/>* focus on the main plot (what keeps the action happening) <BR/>* double check your copyrights as Talpianna said<BR/><BR/>Good luck.Liana Brookshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14587774916354749190noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-1914432496865602722008-12-13T09:38:00.000-05:002008-12-13T09:38:00.000-05:00So many words. So little information.Cut out the ...So many words. So little information.<BR/><BR/>Cut out the irrelevant. The fact that Kate's a cancer survivor seems to have little to do with the plot as it unfolds in the query, so cut it. Focus on the character, their goal, what gets between them and their goal, what they have to do to fix it, and what will happen if they can't.nonehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00415222406280230021noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-86582926298090613542008-12-13T07:48:00.000-05:002008-12-13T07:48:00.000-05:00All the while, Dr. Rob attempts to maintain Kate’s...<I>All the while, Dr. Rob attempts to maintain Kate’s ignorance of the series of bizarre attacks and murders plaguing the University and its surrounding community since her arrival.</I><BR/><BR/>And just how does he manage that, considering that the print, TV, radio, and online news must be full of them?<BR/><BR/>Also, I don't know if there's a copyright consideration here; but "Hudson University" is used in all the LAW & ORDER franchises for its fictional clone of Columbia.<BR/><BR/>Janet, I'm not sure there's no such thing as a "paranormal romance thriller"; but since most paranormal romances ARE thrillers, the label is probably redundant anyway.<BR/><BR/>WV: unabless--a condition afflicting many writer wannabestalpiannahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13978075304795724185noreply@blogger.com