tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post5837747270130468275..comments2024-03-16T01:00:59.945-04:00Comments on Query Shark: #303-revised onceJanet Reidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00615380335938685231noreply@blogger.comBlogger8125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-50737344099657608912018-06-25T01:00:39.632-04:002018-06-25T01:00:39.632-04:00There's lots of suggestions here that I hearti...There's lots of suggestions here that I heartily agree with, but I just want to add; don't give up. Yes, this sounds like a red hot mess in terms of plot, but it also sounds like you've got lots of great ideas. I think you should write out a basic query - Who's your character, what does she want, what's stopping her from getting it etc etc. Once you've got the query sorted out, move onto the synopsis and make that coherent, and THEN reconfigure your novel. It'll be a fair bit of work but I really think this could be an awesome story. Good luck.MA Hudsonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11055543285024785889noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-82678072713828468052018-05-14T12:54:18.616-04:002018-05-14T12:54:18.616-04:00Mister Mxyzptlk: Among other things, I think the p...Mister Mxyzptlk: Among other things, I think the pile of adjectives, while some of them seem clever writing, is part of what disguises the fact that Jennifer has no obvious motivation in the query for joining her sister in this road trip. And note that two of the most adjective laden paragraphs get the "There's no plot here" comment. Clever description is useful but also can be a mask for other lacks.<br /><br />There was a query that I think got an FTW, in which the second half of the query is indeed a cast list with a lot of adjectives, but there was a lot more plot already shown, and a lot more motivation. I wanted to dig it up to show the difference but a quick search didn't find it.Lenora Rosehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13853936903611438778noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-13574860869170876722018-05-04T11:47:37.819-04:002018-05-04T11:47:37.819-04:00HI, all. A lot of good criticisms here. I was wond...HI, all. A lot of good criticisms here. I was wondering about what may be a less central issue. Is is okay in queries to pile on the adjectives as this querier does:<br /><br />"her estranged, emotionally repressed older sister, Jennifer McMahon, a doctor’s wife who lives a Brady-Bunch-on-steroids existence"<br /><br />This description is certainly vivid, but uses a lot of hyphenated words. I was worrying that I do this too much in my query, so want to find out what people think.Mister Mxyzptlkhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13947861348772830636noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-67512553614204687202018-04-09T13:38:55.882-04:002018-04-09T13:38:55.882-04:00I got two impressions off this query. One is that ...I got two impressions off this query. One is that when this book has been revised another time or two into the book it should become, I might want to read that book. The second is that based on this query, I suspect the book itself is not at the point where it is the story I'll want to read.<br /><br />Various thoughts:<br />- If their mom's life was strange enough to scatter adopted children everywhere (without birth control?) it's usually not a rich life in the sense that it would leave a plump will. <br /><br />- Unless the pot is extremely sweet - and even if it is - why do they care? It's a lot of work to fulfill the insane demands of someone they didn't even know, and people who will do anything for cash (not just go on a road trip, but also commit a kidnapping) without some higher motivation than "I want to be rich" don't tend to be sympathetic. Right now my sympathy is with the brother who tries to nope out of this.<br /><br />- In particular, what does Jennifer get out of it? She has money, so it needs to be something else, and I am bored with bored housewives who find wealthy suburban life miserable. (The last bored housewife I cared about was Alison Hendrix in Orphan Black, and she has a lot more going for her as far as interesting motivations for doing crazy things).<br /><br />- One week? Unless the names and addresses of all siblings are in the will, in which case it should be the lawyer calling them all up, not the sisters, tracking down birth siblings can be a years-long prospect. One week is pretty much impossible.<br /><br />- You say that Jesse and Jennifer are estranged, but I mostly find them jarring - if they were adopted by the same parents, it seems unlikely they would have so extremely little in common; if they weren't, then how are they familiar enough to be estranged? I also want to know how they relate - their divergent career paths don't actually demonstrate what in their *personalities* clicks or clashes.Lenora Rosehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13853936903611438778noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-46932245168719792282018-04-01T19:02:12.192-04:002018-04-01T19:02:12.192-04:00At 53k words, it strikes me as way too short. But,...At 53k words, it strikes me as way too short. But, that's a good thing because it means you have 30k words to develop the plot. Hey, silver linings, right? Seems to me like you're querying too early. Get this script in front of beta readers and some cp's, then revise, revise, revise!KariVhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13824650323413004291noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-89451252855593253612018-04-01T16:48:23.760-04:002018-04-01T16:48:23.760-04:00As Janet said your story is nothing completely new...As Janet said your story is nothing completely new. It can be a good story of course, but from your query it seems you don’t have one just yet.<br /><br />I have no idea about which sister I should care about, or why I should spend time reading about their trip.<br />It would have been more interested to know why Jesse left her job, especially if her situation makes her wanting to go on the trip at all costs.<br /><br />Something must be at stake, as they now, in my opinion, your story is just a list of events.<br /><br />I’d advise you to go back on the archive and work on the list of questions Janet gave and try to answer them, I think this will help you to look at your novel in a different way.Frankiehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14515451171608119922noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-69166235049200505902018-04-01T10:55:13.385-04:002018-04-01T10:55:13.385-04:00My eyebrows did raise at all that being packed int...My eyebrows did raise at all that being packed into 53K. I like wacky ensemble casts and sister bonding (I assume??). But I wasn't sure why the unusual will terms were even necessary. Finding out I had a birth mom would be enough to get me on the road trip, tho I wouldn't quit my job till I had cash in hand (probate can take a while!). The tension between the sisters, esp if one got adopted into a life of luxury and the other didn't, should be enough to generate conflict if you can draw it out well.Sam Millshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12069749673374661798noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-88034884760405822312018-03-31T16:42:25.874-04:002018-03-31T16:42:25.874-04:00I'm going to be brutal here and say, if I was ...I'm going to be brutal here and say, if I was the agent you sent this to, I'd quit reading right after the word Glenview and hit the auto reply for 'no'. You have roughly 250 words, give or take, to grab an agent's attention and make them excited about reading your novel. You've wasted 80 words on flotsam that has little to nothing to do with the story. Then you proceed to mention everyone in the book but the kitchen sink, but nothing about how they figure into any kind of plot. Just that the sisters meet them.<br /><br />Also, according to what you have in the majority of your query, this has nothing to do with a coming of age story. You said it yourself. It's a 'dead mom scavenger hunt' but I've been on a lot of scavenger hunts. They're all a series of instructions. There's no plot in those either.<br /><br />And what makes this a head-scratcher for me the most is, if there's no plot in the query, just a series of events, I'm guessing your story doesn't have one either.nightsmusichttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05984119792540771870noreply@blogger.com