tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post6499929499630409609..comments2024-03-16T01:00:59.945-04:00Comments on Query Shark: #274-revised 1xJanet Reidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00615380335938685231noreply@blogger.comBlogger14125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-45647665864675457202016-07-21T12:01:25.795-04:002016-07-21T12:01:25.795-04:00Would you say round up or round down? Is one or th...Would you say round up or round down? Is one or the other a no-no?K.A.T.https://www.blogger.com/profile/05942938109206009444noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-46221970184541454452016-06-04T16:51:12.666-04:002016-06-04T16:51:12.666-04:00Hi Jason,
I really like this line:
"Blackwa...Hi Jason,<br /><br />I really like this line:<br /><br />"Blackwater is walking death; his powers, coupled with the training he received from his father, make him one of the deadliest men in the world."<br /><br />This is a guy I want to read about! Unfortunately, as Bethany Elizabeth points out, things get passive after that. Blackwater is tucked away. He wonders. He finds himself in the company of Arbor. Arbor reveals something to him. Choices are difficult.<br /><br />I get that the world is dying. And someone has killed all the other Key Masters. And Blackwater's new friends are in danger. Okay, so what is Blackwater gonna do about it??<br /><br />This is your opportunity to show us Blackwater is a powerful Key Master. He might not think he's very powerful, but we the readers MUST see hero potential in him. Show us that when someone dear to him is threatened, he takes action. Show us he will challenge his enemies, even if it means risking [insert something deeply personal to Blackwater here].<br /><br />When you state Blackwater's goal, and you show him ready to risk everything to reach that goal, we'll want to see him succeed. We'll be pulled into the story. That's your hero's journey. It's not about Taenaria, or Tuarian, or newfound friends, or the world. It's about Blackwater.Ninahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08814370911289450556noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-57679169619765745672016-05-21T13:07:45.900-04:002016-05-21T13:07:45.900-04:00Also, "fair maidens are the source of much of...Also, "fair maidens are the source of much of the world's troubles" may be my favorite comment in all of Query Shark. Bethany Elizabethhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12829932931010851406noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-78998291927127703412016-05-21T13:05:33.785-04:002016-05-21T13:05:33.785-04:00First off - congrats to Jason for so much improvem...First off - congrats to Jason for so much improvement! Query letters are difficult, and as a fellow fantasy author I'm thankful that you're offering up a query letter to the Shark. I can learn alongside you. :) <br /><br />Here's my problem; I came away from this not being very fond of Blackwater. The two main conflicts you describe - vengeance v. honor, saving friends v. saving the world - are both fueled by decisions he has to make. Totally fine, but it makes him come across as passive. In fact, he's pretty passive in the whole query. That doesn't really fit with 'most deadly man in the world.' It also turns a brooding hero into a sulky one. It's a fine line, I know, but one that would be useful to keep an eye on here. <br /><br />It might help to jump straight from your first line - which I like - to Taenaria. You're skipping a bunch, I know, but it sounds like the bulk of the story lives there. <br /><br />Another good rule of thumb is if you have to explain anything parenthetically (Keymaster - he can travel in the blink of an eye. Ancients - beings who .... Arbor - god of the forest) then you should leave it out. I'm not saying you can't mention Blackwater's ability to travel through time in the blink of an eye, just don't introduce it in such a way that you have to break into exposition. <br /><br />Phew, okay, I'm done. This is definitely an improvement! In the meantime, if you're still unsure about grammar or you're just not good at catching typos (I'm so guilty of that), get someone to read over your stuff to help you. :)Bethany Elizabethhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12829932931010851406noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-40708868767569863122016-04-28T14:29:37.790-04:002016-04-28T14:29:37.790-04:00Taenaria/Tuarian is gonna get hella confusing. Th...Taenaria/Tuarian is gonna get hella confusing. They're very nearly anagrams of each other. Proper names in a story should be distinct from each other both visually and audibly (unless the similarity achieves something specific) or readers will struggle to keep them straight. I forget where I heard this advice, but I keep an alphabet scorecard when I'm writing of significant names so I can avoid starting with the same letter for the most significant proper names.<br /><br />And if you run out of letters, well, that's a whole 'nother problem there.<br /><br />There still seems to be a lot of backstory after revising. What he used to be isn't nearly as big of a concern in a query as what he's dealing with right now. The query should focus on the essence of his current biggest problem; if I want to know more about it, I'll read the book (and getting me to the point where I want to do that is the whole point of this exercise, after all).Brittanyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02661380649581961221noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-18943547003295646702016-04-15T18:44:13.920-04:002016-04-15T18:44:13.920-04:00Jamie,
I always round. "My work is approxima...Jamie,<br /><br />I always round. "My work is approximately 135,000 words." The agent will do an exact word count if they request the full. So, make sure it's very close.Julie Weathershttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13725236516593676381noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-20933512705603516562016-03-29T21:31:43.614-04:002016-03-29T21:31:43.614-04:00Here's something I've been wondering since...Here's something I've been wondering since my early archive-slogging days: how do others feel about word count rounding? Typically, in sample queries, we see these rounded (112k). Does it come as a major yuck-factor when spelled out in detail (111,843)? For my first query draft, I felt like rounding was misleading and didn't want to do it but after seeing everyone else do it in the archives, I adapted. Maybe it's my irrational annoyance at odd numbers (or the fact that this exact number WILL change with a revision) but I think I now like rounded better.abnormalalienhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08666555569560028852noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-81762911377317477552016-02-04T10:05:44.544-05:002016-02-04T10:05:44.544-05:00Hi Harmony. Yes she is absolutely not just a damse...Hi Harmony. Yes she is absolutely not just a damsel in distress. Her memory is gone but when she remembers who she is; well lets just say shes not only capable of saving herself, but she might just find herself doing the saving in the end. Thanks for the comment. I will try to focus more on what's at stake and query with a little more depth of character.<br /><br />Thanks Again,<br /><br />-JasonAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-63213057779154156242016-02-04T08:25:58.157-05:002016-02-04T08:25:58.157-05:00Building on what Bethany said, focusing more on th...Building on what Bethany said, focusing more on the characters can bring Aida more into the picture. What is NOT timeless in fantasy is that it is lately less desirable (for good reason!) for women to only be walking wombs, which is what she appears to be in this query and what I hope she is not in the novel itself. Of course, going the "one character per query route" rather than "two per query" might cut her out much more, but that done well can still solve the same problem.Harmony Commissionshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01194928695361991583noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-74988611496744114182016-02-01T18:41:32.293-05:002016-02-01T18:41:32.293-05:00To all so far and those who may comment after. Tha...To all so far and those who may comment after. Thank you so much for your feedback. It is so inspiring. Your comments, along with those of the shark, have painted a mural of my queries shortcomings. You have also given me some of the tools that seem to be missing from my toolbox. Thanks again I will take your advice and revise, revise, revise. Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-78777678904690696862016-02-01T15:04:54.022-05:002016-02-01T15:04:54.022-05:00The problem with fantasy is that there's so mu...The problem with fantasy is that there's so much world building that it can be hard to write a sensible query without spending too much time on world-building. There's also a LOT of fantasy out there, and since high fantasy doesn't depend as much on current culture as other genres, you have more competition. There's no intrinsic reason why a high fantasy novel written in 2016 will mean more to me as a reader than one written in 1975. <br />So how do you set your query apart? I don't think the answer is by focusing on the plot. By all means, describe the stakes and the plot in the query, but that's not where your edge should come from. Your edge should come from your characters. There is nothing new under the sun, plot-wise. But fun, engaging, rascally characters? They're timeless. <br />Why should I care about Blackwater? Is he noble? Blah. Is he a reluctant hero? Yawn. Is he funny? Hmm... I could work with that. Brooding? I'm a sucker for brooding heroes. Is he finicky, whiny, feisty, big-hearted, foolish, intelligent, beautiful, ugly, sharp, dull? The only things I know about your characters are their circumstances. That isn't enough. <br />You've got a little of this with your first two paragraphs, though the shark is right. First person is confusing. But I sense reluctance, bitterness, and regret - three things that make characters interesting. You lose that in the rest of your query. Give me the regret, give me the heartache, give me the spilled blood. I want to see your character staring over the edge of a cliff. Gimme! :) <br />Bethany Elizabethhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12829932931010851406noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-43931048407882286142016-02-01T11:16:20.635-05:002016-02-01T11:16:20.635-05:00Blackwater is a Taurian KeyMaster, able to fashion...Blackwater is a Taurian KeyMaster, able to fashion keys that allow him to travel anywhere, anywhen in the blink of an eye. <br /><br />Blackwater is the last KeyMaster, all the others having been hunted down and killed by the ancient Taurians. (you probably need to say why they were killed here)<br /><br />Blackwater learns of Aida, who has stumbled into the forest where he hides from those who want to kill him. Aida has been taken by the Taenarians, a rival culture, for diabolical purposes. Her unborn child holds the magic that, used for evil, can destroy the world.<br /><br />Now Blackwater, who has tried and failed so many times before, must choose to use his own magic to save the world at the probable loss of his life, or allow another innocent in a long line of his failures, to die.<br /><br /><br />You have way, way too much confusion going on, but after reading this three or four times, the above is what I get from it. No agent is going to bother to read it three or four times. You get one shot. You have to use it as effectively as possible. Cause and effect. Blackwater is hiding for his life. Aida holds the key to the destruction of the world. Does he come out of hiding to save the world? Or does he continue to hide, let her die, and then try to live with himself? If he lives at all?<br /><br />Clean up, condense, revise and resubmit.<br />nightsmusichttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05984119792540771870noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-7205473662165528742016-01-31T22:48:17.268-05:002016-01-31T22:48:17.268-05:00I am so Stoked! Okay, maybe the pieces of Chum tha...I am so Stoked! Okay, maybe the pieces of Chum that were my Query are now floating in shark invested internet waters but what an awesome opportunity I have to make it better. I get to receive advice from a great reputable agent and the rest of the writing community on QueryShark. I will revise and I will get it right!! Thanks to all for current and future comments and help from the Shark!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-41527625376724350032016-01-31T16:54:34.430-05:002016-01-31T16:54:34.430-05:00The first three paragraphs sound like the first ch...The first three paragraphs sound like the first chapter (or perhaps even a prologue) of the book.<br /><br />The next two give some indication of what the book is about. We learn about Blackwater, the Key Master; and Aida. We have no idea what connection the two have, nor why Blackwater feels he has to rescue her. We also don't know why her child carries magic. A lot of words, but not much information.<br /><br />What happened to the "I" from the opening paragraphs? <br /><br />I'm confused.Allison Newchurchhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00639341318039077271noreply@blogger.com