tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post7444632072703809667..comments2024-03-16T01:00:59.945-04:00Comments on Query Shark: #262-Revised 3xJanet Reidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00615380335938685231noreply@blogger.comBlogger15125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-17779412338596400302014-12-08T17:50:29.813-05:002014-12-08T17:50:29.813-05:00Like Ms Shark, I'm still not really feeling th...Like Ms Shark, I'm still not really feeling this.<br /><br />I also agree that Pru sounds more like a victim of abuse than anything else. While overcoming her past/present could make for an interesting story, I'm not sure how sex addiction and the rehab factor into this. Pru has enough issues as it is.<br /><br />Another thing I wonder about is the importance of Carl. In one revision, he was completely gone, and now he's back again. Based on the old revisions, Carl sounds like the closest thing to a personified antagonist this plot has. If he's that important, maybe the query needs more of him.<br /><br />In general, the query needs to focus more on the actual plot/red string. I still feel like the first half is backstory.Ellipsis Floodhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03097098062834873232noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-22343165070347940242014-11-06T23:34:49.724-05:002014-11-06T23:34:49.724-05:00This is much better than the first cut. My instinc...This is much better than the first cut. My instinct is, start where things start getting really bad. Consider this:<br /><br />Prudence Aldrich is in rehab. Not for drugs or alcohol. Prudence is a sex addict. She has an itch nobody can scratch. And it’s killing her.<br /><br />Things get worse when she checks into the snake pit. <br /><br />Unfortunately I cannot suggest anything from there on because you have not told us anything about the main part of the story. Bad Mistake. For me, a description of group therapy sessions would not carry the story. Maybe somebody is murdering the patients and Pru cannot escape because it is a lock down facility. No one is allowed out because the police want to trap the murderer. But they are trapping the patients as well. The staff insist the murdered patients have merely been discharged. Or maybe the conflict is internal. I have heard real life women sex addicts tell me they are “climbing the walls” (yes, that is a direct quote) trying to control their animal urges while pursuing therapy. Maybe Pru wants in the worst way to succeed and she has been warned if she does not keep her knickers on she is out. That would be more difficult to pull off in print, but it would be more interesting than being some counselor’s six o’clock. (That is what counselors call the client who is scheduled for 6 P.M.) Maybe there are several conflicts going on at once. Maybe Pru is paranoid. I am reminded of an old story by L. Ron Hubbard (yes, I know) about a crazy man who saw people giving him evil stares using his peripheral vision. But when he looked straight at them everything was normal. He descended into madness during the course of the story. But in the end, if I remember it correctly, it turned out what he was seeing was real. That would spice up a snake pit story big time. Maybe Pru sees men in her peripheral vision lusting for her. Yet when she looks straight at them, it turns out to be her imagination. Except that it isn’t. She finds that out at the climax of the story when she has to run to avoid being gang raped. Since the doors are locked, the odds are against her. There are all kinds of interesting things you could do with this.<br /><br />BTW, it is not true that trauma cannot be healed. It can.<br />Steve Stubbshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13421775912951050610noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-11390985714837592362014-11-05T04:25:56.568-05:002014-11-05T04:25:56.568-05:00Now that the fancy all caps is gone... I'm sti...Now that the fancy all caps is gone... I'm still confused about where the story starts.<br /><br />Also, as Ms. Shark says, you're leaving out the whole middle, which really sounds like the most interesting thing.<br /><br />I still wonder which part of Pru's story is the focus of the novel. Each part you describe here has its advantages and disadvantages, but I doubt you can have all of them be the focal point. (Kinda defeats the point of a <i>focal point</i>, methinks.)<br /><br />And finally, I wonder if I'm not contemporary or woman enough, because I can't relate to any of the stuff in the query. (You really make it sound like all women are in abusive environments, too, which comes across as kinda offensive.)Ellipsis Floodhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03097098062834873232noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-19234988467252312982014-10-22T12:08:55.522-04:002014-10-22T12:08:55.522-04:00@Steve
Nah, even when your novel focuses on the c...@Steve<br /><br />Nah, even when your novel focuses on the characters, you still need some plot for them to get through (un)scathed.<br /><br />And I doubt Prudence wants to get rid of Carl by murdering him.<br /><br /><br />Still, I wish to read about what Prudence actually <i>does</i> in her quest for freedom. Where in the query does the backstory end and where does the plot start?Ellipsis Floodhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03097098062834873232noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-77101442734947257422014-10-21T14:20:19.866-04:002014-10-21T14:20:19.866-04:00Ms. Reid’s comments are spot on as usual. I might ...Ms. Reid’s comments are spot on as usual. I might add that you do a great job painting a main character, which you need when planning the story, but there is no plot, which you normally need to write a query. If it is literary fiction you may not need a plot. If it is commercial fiction, as you say it is, you surely need one. There is a hint at a plot when you say she has sex with Carl and that is a big mistake. But you don’t tell us who Carl is or why having sex with him matters. You also say she wants to get rid of her husband, which suggests a plot, but that in itself will not carry the story, unless she intends to murder him. This is just my opinion, but wife murders husband has been done to death (pardon me) and needs a rest. If getting rid of hubby is the plot, I encourage you to find a new twist on that. You might enjoy the movie CHOKE, which is based on a Chuck Palahnkiuk novel by the same name. It is a very original screwball comedy about a character who goes to a sex addict support group to meet sex crazed women who have an unnatural hankering for men. Others are welcome to disagree, but this is one of the very few cases in which the movie is better than the book in my not so humble opinion.Steve Stubbshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13421775912951050610noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-91988824024527449532014-10-21T13:32:32.694-04:002014-10-21T13:32:32.694-04:00Query shark has said that we want to be able to re...Query shark has said that we want to be able to relate and sympathize with the main character. but setting her up to have all these great characteristics and then saying its all a facade makes it seem like she's a liar and not someone we can sympathize withAnonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18377645620187743494noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-50739831144368365822014-10-20T14:29:32.526-04:002014-10-20T14:29:32.526-04:00Gimmick aside, this query does not entice me to re...Gimmick aside, this query does not entice me to read the story. I have to relate to the protagonist somehow and care what happens to her. The query only makes me want to run away.<br /><br />There's nothing here that tells me this story is going to be better than or different from any other story about an abused and troubled woman. The "SHE COULD DIE" line makes me think it may very well be much worse.Elissa Mhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10727748060605823895noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-85188810674219945402014-10-20T13:09:14.648-04:002014-10-20T13:09:14.648-04:00Anti heroes still need sympathy for the reader. I ...Anti heroes still need sympathy for the reader. I don't feel anything but brief moments of pity for her. <br /><br />And they believe what they are doing is just. <br />Dexter kills as a means of social cleansing because he is a killer and knows it's wrong. <br /><br />Also, it's fine to show how the MC changes in a query, but she doesn't seem to have changed if she feels her peers are "addicted losers." If that line makes sense in the novel, great, but it isn't serving the query in this draft. Dana Breannhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12839776557304718622noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-55355004740083873862014-10-20T12:44:10.425-04:002014-10-20T12:44:10.425-04:00I have to agree with the others, this query brough...I have to agree with the others, this query brought to mind #255, but it misses the mark. Another problem with this query (besides giving away the ending which is a no-no) is the protagonist is not someone I would want to spend 350+ pages with. I don't see her as you described her. You said she's been through "decades of abuse, neglect, rape and psychological torture" and she joins the other "broken, addicted losers" to seek solace from her living hell, etc. Does this sound like a "vivacious and captivating woman" to you? I know, you said it was a facade, and I could be wrong, but all this doesn't add up.<br /><br />You have to give us more. Yes, she could die, we're all one day closer to death each morning we wake up, but where are the stakes that it may all end tomorrow? Is she having sex without protection? Is she choosing random men on the street in the worst part of town? Or is she having sex on horseback without a saddle? Okay, maybe not the last one, but you see what I mean.<br /><br />Oh yes, one correction: "...turn an innocent girl into..."<br /><br />Good luck, query letters are not easy!<br />LynnRodzhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10796099106913990163noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-31395274827206893102014-10-20T04:28:51.928-04:002014-10-20T04:28:51.928-04:00A friend linked this to me with the words "gi...A friend linked this to me with the words "gimmick central." When I saw the paragraphs beginning with all caps words, I knew what she meant.<br /><br />As the wise people before me said, this really sounds like #255 if not done well. It's just trying too hard.<br /><br />My personal low was the SHE COULD DIE. Yelling the stakes at me doesn't make me care more, it just makes my eyes roll.<br /><br />Also, if you cut the fancy words (which my brain did for me after the third), the query reads disjoint/clunky.Ellipsis Floodhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03097098062834873232noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-40829917442104473972014-10-19T23:54:37.747-04:002014-10-19T23:54:37.747-04:00Wow. This sounds like a book I would read only whi...Wow. This sounds like a book I would read only while soaking in a tub filled with Lysol. The query needs to make me care enough to get to know this character, and right now all it does is make me want to run. Please note – I did NOT say the book isn't good or I don't like it. I couldn't, because I've not read it. It might be a great book, but based on this query I would never read it. Which means it fails as a query.John "Ol' Chumbucket" Baurhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17120550659339089195noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-16565230082851256552014-10-19T21:56:08.427-04:002014-10-19T21:56:08.427-04:00For the record, I didn't like query 255 either...For the record, I didn't like query 255 either (movie-style doom voice isn't really my "thing") but it seemed to work because 255 was for an action/suspense novel. This seems to be about a personal journey (though I'll admit, it's hard to tell).Laurahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15725049899131699912noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-80942900202078009672014-10-19T20:37:02.074-04:002014-10-19T20:37:02.074-04:00I have to admit, I was trying to figure out if the...I have to admit, I was trying to figure out if the CAPS ALL words had some secret message too. . . .Ardenwolfehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14053900506482830292noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-24617758457118743152014-10-19T19:08:23.173-04:002014-10-19T19:08:23.173-04:00Part of why the above-mentioned #255 worked is bec...Part of why the above-mentioned #255 worked is because it was quick and to the point. This was just way too long and rather repetitive. JeffOhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07947660745120963286noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-82719641395478334882014-10-19T17:08:33.548-04:002014-10-19T17:08:33.548-04:00Perhaps the author was trying emulate query #255? ...Perhaps the author was trying emulate query #255? Somewhat similar style that ultimately received a FTW.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14984171635850648405noreply@blogger.com