tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post7734589531792815002..comments2024-03-16T01:00:59.945-04:00Comments on Query Shark: #190-Revised 5x FOR THE WINJanet Reidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00615380335938685231noreply@blogger.comBlogger79125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-24721947551956915312011-02-25T09:30:37.928-05:002011-02-25T09:30:37.928-05:00And all your hard work paid off.
Way to go! I...And all your hard work paid off. <br /><br />Way to go! I'm glad you didn't give up.Stephanie Barrhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17772217449161603561noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-75738313365630199802011-02-20T11:53:06.013-05:002011-02-20T11:53:06.013-05:00What a turnaround - excellent query. Congratulati...What a turnaround - excellent query. Congratulations!Theresa Milsteinhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03477761307315565259noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-35279789316454727022011-02-07T10:03:34.304-05:002011-02-07T10:03:34.304-05:00Rev 5 - I'm liking the new rev better, too. I ...Rev 5 - I'm liking the new rev better, too. I agree with the first paragraph deletion and think you need a new lead in sentence for the new second paragraph, something that ties in with the second sentence about "so much heat around" - I felt like he was blushing. <br /><br />I'm not sure the conscience/surf things works anyway. New sentence, and I'd think you really have something.<br /><br />Way to go.Stephanie Barrhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17772217449161603561noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-62078061756061391272011-02-04T16:50:35.282-05:002011-02-04T16:50:35.282-05:00The new query is much better. I'm glad Query ...The new query is much better. I'm glad Query Shark took out the first paragraph, which more about being clever than about substance. You're so close now.Theresa Milsteinhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03477761307315565259noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-32610219615627293852011-01-31T22:30:06.819-05:002011-01-31T22:30:06.819-05:00I think the Shark is spot on. Deleting the first ...I think the Shark is spot on. Deleting the first paragraph tightened up the narrative and the pace.<br /><br />I would suggest also deleting the entire paragraph about Scott's reluctance about going to the police. It's weak and it is slowing down the pace. Consider how much stronger this sounds:<br /><br />"...[The Mayor] is using his trusted position as cover, quietly plotting in the shadows. He leads a sleeper cell outraged with what’s happening to their country. The group is ready to change things their way – and ain’t nothing in this world solved without violence.<br /><br />Unfortunately for Scott, there’s bad news creeping up: Detective Jones finds out who he is, and what’s worse – so has the mayor..."<br /><br />Writer, I think you are almost there. Your next revision will probably be a winner.<br /><br />Good luck.Giselehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12954959858871289162noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-89394496952305012602011-01-18T06:55:18.017-05:002011-01-18T06:55:18.017-05:00I prefer the previous version (after the Shark'...I prefer the previous version (after the Shark's revisions) -- the one starting with "Scott Harris, a young man who turns to a reluctant life of burglary..."<br />It was sharper and had more energy.<br />I'm not buying Scott's motivation to become a burglar (explained in previous versions of the query but dropped in the later ones). Someone who suffers from debilitating pain and can't hold down any regular job is an unlikely candidate for complicated break-ins.<br />Are you trying to model Scott after the thief in David Baldacci's ABSOLUTE POWER?Unknownhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05329877712847863872noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-71205284855053337592011-01-17T22:31:44.247-05:002011-01-17T22:31:44.247-05:001/17/Rev - Getting there.
Perhaps some insight i...1/17/Rev - Getting there. <br /><br />Perhaps some insight into the nature of the deadly secret and the stakes for Scott, not only if he tries to foil Stone's plan despite the cop's pursuit, but if he decided to look the other way. He has a choice, let us know the stakes.Stephanie Barrhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17772217449161603561noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-48380631220278262942011-01-17T22:30:27.219-05:002011-01-17T22:30:27.219-05:00Scott decides to stop Mayor Stone before blood flo...Scott decides to stop Mayor Stone before blood flows, but the cops are closing in. And now he’s waited too long. Detective Jones discovers Scott’s identity—and so has Mayor Stone. Outnumbered and out of time, Scott has only hours to stay free—and stay alive.<br /><br />[Beware alliterative, bland, monosyllabic names: Scott. Stone. Jones. Sounds like accountants. Dude: it’s Miami. Don’t use synonyms in the same sentence: cop and police. Sabotage is oddly weak. So is: stop, foil, disrupt, ruin. The problem with the sentence starts before it reaches the object. Bloodshed is cliché. Identity? Is he a superhero? Rely on his wits? Cliché. Secure his freedom? Keep his freedom. And hopefully his life? Should go the other way. (I’m a sucker for an em dash. Don’t follow my example.)]Joel Brownhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11611692901113614564noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-9633420555581855272011-01-12T07:58:27.653-05:002011-01-12T07:58:27.653-05:00Dude. Read the first comment ... read the last.
W...Dude. Read the first comment ... read the last.<br /><br />Way to go. <br /><br />A few notes:<br /><br />1. Give them first and last names in the query. It reassures you're not making little cardboard cutouts with your safety scissors: Detective Alejandra Jones? Teddy Jones? Mickey Jones (it's Orlando ...)<br /><br />2. Is it cellar or basement? Remember that you can't live without a sump pump in the basement, and that can they flood in hurricane season …. Oooooh. Hurricane Season.<br /><br />3. "Too scared to go to the police ..." Scared is weak and contradicts the bravado of breaking into the Mayor's home. Try: suspicious, cynical, or just "Scott isn't" <br /><br />4. Remember that Stephen Sondheim has a rhyming dictionary. A thesaurus, gently applied with a soft cloth, can do wonders.<br /> <br />5. You need a hot chick. And not a basement babe with raccoon eyes and a gingham dress ripped from her shoulder. Someone as smart or smarter. His doctor? One of the new moms from his support group (lawyer?) Candor yet support. <br /><br />6. Carry the PNE carefully, like a migraine, not like an addiction.<br /><br />7. You're at 161 words with QS's cuts ... consider a sidekick/babe to break it out of the pack.Joel Brownhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11611692901113614564noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-88408618972136469082011-01-10T09:37:19.309-05:002011-01-10T09:37:19.309-05:001/9/2011 Rev -
Oh, this is much better. I like t...1/9/2011 Rev - <br /><br />Oh, this is much better. I like the substance in the query, particularly with what QS has excised, and see what I'm looking for in the story. <br /><br />Clean and polish and you can have a win.Stephanie Barrhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17772217449161603561noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-1795234021129038062011-01-09T21:01:23.607-05:002011-01-09T21:01:23.607-05:00Oh, this is much better! Good work, and keep going...Oh, this is much better! Good work, and keep going! :)jjdebenedictishttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16950592240599703771noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-59332970623463027862011-01-07T00:03:26.880-05:002011-01-07T00:03:26.880-05:00What's stopping the guy from getting governmen...What's stopping the guy from getting government aid?<br />Not fool-proof or anything, but there is unemployment, disabled and such programs, why isn't he applying to them?<br />Maybe you should cut the back story so that these types of question won't come up, though I hope they are answered in you novel.Meaningless Prosehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02427022904856900596noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-52240596511680332322011-01-04T10:59:52.838-05:002011-01-04T10:59:52.838-05:00Ditto to what MGE said. The jump to burglary made...Ditto to what MGE said. The jump to burglary made no sense to me. My first thought was to wonder why he just didn't get a job as a teacher. Or at McDonald's. Or as a janitor.Lehcarjthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17171145477602995121noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-86403245326799686512011-01-04T10:07:53.654-05:002011-01-04T10:07:53.654-05:001/2/11 Rev - I like this rev better, but I have to...1/2/11 Rev - I like this rev better, but I have to go with the other comments I've seen. I'd focus on the burglar-stumbling-into-a-crime-but-can't-go-to-the-cops-because-he's-a-crook angle. For me, the drug interaction, the would-be Robin Hood aspect, hard to sell in a short query and almost apologist. <br /><br />The story is this crime he's uncovered, isn't it, and the risk to himself if the "really" bad guys find out he knows as well as his inability to go to the authorities with it directly. That seems like enough to hold the story together.Stephanie Barrhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17772217449161603561noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-84170747392948562582011-01-02T23:26:40.246-05:002011-01-02T23:26:40.246-05:00Scott decides he can’t watch his father suffer any...<i>Scott decides he can’t watch his father suffer any longer, and believes there is only one option left. He will have to become the type of person he despises, and turns to a reluctant life of burglary.</i><br />You've lost me here too. And it's not just a problem, this is absolutely fatal. <br /><br />This back-story does not pass the sniff test, and even the most simple-minded reader is going to realize that resorting to burglary is never something to which one has "no choice" in, especially for one who has such strong feelings about criminals as you depict him. <br /><br />So, what I'm saying is, you likely need an entirely new backstory for this character. <br /><br />You can really only make robbers sympathetic when there's oppression going on, such as a Robin Hood tale. Otherwise you just have an anti-hero.<br /><br /><i>"Scott breaks into the home of Mayor Stone, and gets the shock of a lifetime when he finds a deadly secret in the cellar."</i><br />- Your query starts here, although you need maybe one line of introduction for Scott, something like: <br /><br />"Scott is a reluctant criminal, having turned to burglary to support his pain-killer addiction after a back-breaking motorcycle accident. <br /><br />When Scott burglarizes the mayor's house, he's shocked to discover that Mayor Stone is a white supremacist blah..."<br /><br />Still, that doesn't fix how cliche your bad guys are. <br /><br />I still say your story makes me suspect didacticism, primarily the title which makes me think you're going to try to connect the lone mayor to some larger national shadow group of racist rulers.<br /><br />Lastly, I don't like the phrase "deadly secret." It sounds like it means a secret that kills you if you know it >_> A "dangerous secret" is one where you can get killed for knowing it. That may be more apt.M. G. E.https://www.blogger.com/profile/08995766358224581297noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-18991062295105348762010-12-15T13:56:58.525-05:002010-12-15T13:56:58.525-05:00The story's a bit messy right now. You should ...The story's a bit messy right now. You should probably just focus on the most significant plot points for the query and ignore the other stuff. Good luck!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-41951714701638863292010-12-10T18:31:59.805-05:002010-12-10T18:31:59.805-05:00Christine:
Technically hook is the inciting incid...Christine:<br /><br />Technically hook is the inciting incident in a story. It's the event that sets all the subsequent events into motion. It poses the question that creates the tension that will keep the audience interested till the resolution. Am i being clear?<br /><br />It's the moment about 15 minutes into a film where the stakes are raised and the audience goes "holy crap, what's next?!" and the rest of the film goes about answering that question. In Thelma and Luise, it's the moment Thelma shoots the rapist in the parking lot and nice vacation transforms into a fast paced run from the law. That's an extremely dramatic example, but you get the idea. You're trying to catch the readers attention, create a tension, and leave them wanting more.Unknownhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12547521750257947777noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-15957369656114382812010-12-08T17:03:53.747-05:002010-12-08T17:03:53.747-05:00Oh, sorry to post again, but the first paragraph i...Oh, sorry to post again, but the first paragraph is what led me to believe that it might all be a crazy dream. The bit about the young lady he falls in love with can either go or you can make her sound more interesting.Josephhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00391875365486436577noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-27996278803562513692010-12-08T17:00:46.179-05:002010-12-08T17:00:46.179-05:00I thought my pointing out the discrepancy between ...I thought my pointing out the discrepancy between him having a crippling injury that prevents him from working and yet being able to run around and break into people’s houses was pretty helpful!<br /><br />I was mostly joking when I said that I thought it might be Lynchish fever dream, although that might actually be an interesting idea for a story (akin to the unreality of Brett Easton Ellis).<br /><br />I don’t know that you need to make the thief more sympathetic. Thieves, rogues, jerks, etc. are often interesting because they do and say the things we fantasize about, but never would. They don’t even necessarily need a clear motive—Iago didn’t have one. It’s a gamble, but anti-heroes can work very well. This just seems like a soup with a lot of ingredients that don’t go together. You should put the manuscript away and read it again in a few weeks with a fresh eye, trying to see how, exactly, all these elements hang together. Complicated stories work because at heart they tell that old chestnut: Act 1, get the character up a tree. Act 2, throw stones at him. Act 3, get him out of the tree. Summarize that and include the important characters as they have bearing on the hero’s journey. If they have genuinely interesting arcs (which they should, which adds flavor) that ultimately influence the fate of the hero (so it’s satisfyingly complex), provide context (without digression).<br /><br />I do think it sounds like a genuinely interesting story though because you are obviously excited by it and you’ve taken pains to try to be inventive in your storytelling—the essential skill of a good writer. If you’re similarly inventive in the way you tell the story in brief, then you’ll pique interest.<br /><br />Also, if the writing is good and the story excites, people will believe pretty much anything.Josephhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00391875365486436577noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-51315738390953819462010-12-07T21:15:30.639-05:002010-12-07T21:15:30.639-05:00I agree with Ashley about movies.
My take on it i...I agree with Ashley about movies.<br /><br />My take on it is: you're spending a lot more time with a book than a movie. If you watch an hour-and-a-half movie, you're not making nearly as much of a commitment to the storyline.<br /><br />Fast-paced movies and tv shows tend to put people in an almost meditative state in which the critical part of the brain is disengaged. Few people can read without engaging critical thinking skills, however.St0n3hengehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08504412781917592790noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-65635532165972249212010-12-07T16:46:57.537-05:002010-12-07T16:46:57.537-05:00Are people more willing to watch movies with unbel...<i> Are people more willing to watch movies with unbelievable plots than they are to read books with unbelievable plots? </i><br /><br />Uh...of course. Snakes On a Plane would NEVER be a book. Movies are a method of visual storytelling so it's much easier to suspend disbelief. If you're shown something fantastical on screen then at least one sense is automatically engaged. With writing, you're asking the reader to imagine it along with you. Completely different.<br /><br />To the author: this story doesn't seem unsalvageable. Pare down the query and focus on the essential plot points. You've already been given a substantial amount of advice. Good luck.Ashley Girardihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13594552975218426095noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-12324588613555012442010-12-07T12:07:56.126-05:002010-12-07T12:07:56.126-05:00The plot seems totally unlikely and incredible, ye...The plot seems totally unlikely and incredible, yet also just the kind of unlikely and incredible plot that gets made into movies all the time. These are not the kinds of movies I enjoy or watch, so a book with this kind of plot does not appeal to me either, but does that necessarily mean it's unpublishable? Are people more willing to watch movies with unbelievable plots than they are to read books with unbelievable plots? I don't read this kind of book, if it exists, so I'm just wondering...Graceful Spacehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04972295003581557470noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-51741521991744875582010-12-07T10:44:03.358-05:002010-12-07T10:44:03.358-05:00I would keep this part:
A small town burglar disc...I would keep this part:<br /><br />A small town burglar discovers a shackled prostitute in the mayor's basement. THE END<br /><br />That right there is enough to write 80,000 words of a thriller. The characters could define the book based on that concept. You could go any number of ways with that jumping point...Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11055313918231775213noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-48937050334751990012010-12-06T17:56:45.455-05:002010-12-06T17:56:45.455-05:00Hi Author- good to see your skin's thickening!...Hi Author- good to see your skin's thickening!<br /><br />A thriller needs lots of twists and turns. The writer needs to keep on upping the ante to make sure those pages keep on getting turned. <br /><br />A query doesn't need that many elements. Your query feels tightly packed with detail at the moment. <br /><br />One theme that emerges from the posts is poor credibility of a major plot point- ie, an oxycontin dependent MC being bedridden and unable to work yet able to break into homes. <br /><br />You have the experience with oxy to know what is and isn't possible, but the rest of us dont. Your challenge is to word it in such as way so that it isn't hitting the BS-detector, or to omit it altogether. If you do so you'll need to find a way to show the reader Scott's motivations for breaking into houses. <br /><br />Difficult? Yep. Impossible? Well, revise and let the shark be the judge! <br /><br />Good luck, I look forward to the next installment.Jo-Annhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15705983780352542190noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-12564735553299525432010-12-06T17:13:17.580-05:002010-12-06T17:13:17.580-05:00Yipes.
Lemme see if I have this straight:
He'...Yipes.<br /><br />Lemme see if I have this straight:<br /><br />He's got a "nerve condition" (should be "nerve damage", as "condition" is usually congenital)that means he can't work.<br /><br />He's doped up on Oxy, which means he can't think.<br /><br />Yet, he's got super sneaky thief skills.<br /><br />Yeah... um... no.Josin L. McQueinhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05751043333147850336noreply@blogger.com