tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post7925880578490820416..comments2024-03-16T01:00:59.945-04:00Comments on Query Shark: #122-RevisedJanet Reidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00615380335938685231noreply@blogger.comBlogger32125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-78690503501126378342011-05-04T15:37:21.496-04:002011-05-04T15:37:21.496-04:00Ha! You can't swim to Switzerland! I see wha...Ha! You can't swim to Switzerland! I see what you did there.Stephen Kozeniewskihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15185600045044927669noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-7134883573905402942009-10-25T04:02:46.226-04:002009-10-25T04:02:46.226-04:00I don't understand the geographical aspect of ...I don't understand the geographical aspect of the story. With a name like Greenley's Academy, it sounds like the school is probably in the northeastern United States. In other words, Petra is probably flying from somewhere like Boise to somewhere like Boston or Hartford/Springfield Airport. That flight path wouldn't take the plane over any major bodies of water other than the Great Lakes, and even during wartime it wouldn't take days to locate an airliner that crashed on an island in the Great Lakes.<br /><br />Also, it's implausible that most of her boarding school class would be on the same plane with her. They would be coming in from various parts of the country, some within driving distance, others flying in from other cities.Joshuahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03216988389787694256noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-55930558117814674582009-08-07T14:46:05.463-04:002009-08-07T14:46:05.463-04:00I agree that the book idea is too cliche. The auth...I agree that the book idea is too cliche. The author needs to be more original. <br /><br />On that note, I don't think I agree with Query Shark about people rising about themselves during disasters. There are people that do come to the aide of others, but I believe the majority wouldn't. History is littered with equally horrible driven acts but large groups of people.<br /><br />This blog is interesting, it's great for a writer to see what professionals think of their work. :)Anthony Soulshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07442995832293646054noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-39234244365334339222009-07-28T12:33:27.697-04:002009-07-28T12:33:27.697-04:00The grammar doctor within me takes issue with the ...The grammar doctor within me takes issue with the syntax here: <i> She's begun to think boarding school might not be so bad when the plane crashes. </i> When I first read it, I thought the protagonist thinks that crashing the plane might help make boarding school better... the placement of the modifier "when the plane crashes" made me stumble a bit. If you end up reusing that sentence, I'd suggest reworking it a bit. (Maybe <i> Just as she begins to think boarding school might not be so bad, the plane crashes. </i> )Danielle Filashttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17559045917532735660noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-84449333388812157662009-07-28T11:53:03.691-04:002009-07-28T11:53:03.691-04:00If you query an agent who likes Lost or hates Lord...If you query an agent who likes Lost or hates Lord of the Flies, you're doomed.<br /><br />WV: rante. How appropriate._*rachel*_https://www.blogger.com/profile/03293167107180931700noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-22375084812703299142009-07-27T19:03:42.348-04:002009-07-27T19:03:42.348-04:00I would expect the pilot to know the plane's p...I would expect the pilot to know the plane's position before the crash, so I don't think it that unreasonable they should know they're still in US waters.<br /><br />However, after two attempts at this query, I'm beginning to wonder if the book itself is flawed.<br /><br />What happens?nonehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00415222406280230021noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-39006221166062823092009-07-22T02:51:07.899-04:002009-07-22T02:51:07.899-04:00I have to agree with a few of the others. Now I...I have to agree with a few of the others. Now I'm thinking <i>Lord of the Flies</i>. I do like the new opening much better than the first negative one, but I have to agree with the Query Shark about the stereotypical behavior. People don't act like that in reality when faced with something this huge. That's just drama for television shows.Jinxie Ghttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00614376910387330818noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-3168407263417093442009-07-17T13:00:01.338-04:002009-07-17T13:00:01.338-04:00Still sounds quite derivative to me, too. There&#...Still sounds quite derivative to me, too. There's the Lord of the Flies aspect mixed with some of the country-goes-to-war-and-isolated-kids-don't-know business of Tomorrow When The War Began, plus all that Lost stuff. I'd be able to overlook that some if the characters didn't sound so generic (and didn't have the annoyingly typical YA-protagonists-must-have-trendyunusual-names thing going on--I mean, Baird and Petra? really?). But you have a handsome love interest and Plastics--sorry, Gems--and the outsider girl, and we're a gay guy and folk singer namesake away from Mean Girls. By your description, that is. Give us what makes this story different from all these others--and in specific, not just "less like spoiled rich kids and more like desperate survivors"--and hopefully we'll get a better idea of why we want to read this story in addition to Lord of the Flies. And Lost. And Mean Girls.<br /><br />It sounds like an interesting idea hiding behind descriptions that don't do it justice; I know one of my little sisters would have eaten this up when she was in middle school.Tintinhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15976209667609049159noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-4513741656707376492009-07-16T11:56:44.405-04:002009-07-16T11:56:44.405-04:00If you've got something that makes this better...If you've got something that makes this better than Lord of the Flies, you'd better put it right in the beginning. The romance?Amanda C. Davishttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08882651754806884334noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-74618881695509042612009-07-16T11:02:24.004-04:002009-07-16T11:02:24.004-04:00After I read "electromagnetic pulse", &q...After I read "electromagnetic pulse", "nuclear explosion" and "murder of the pilot" I just lost interest entirely because <br />those are all major aspects of Lost, so it's not a new or exciting idea.<br /><br />I mean no offence, but this sounds like a fanfic of Lost to me. Author liked the idea of the island, the crash, the mystery, but wanted to replace the characters with highschool kids.Madelinehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09026346305559979604noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-88322802112583590332009-07-16T06:52:14.297-04:002009-07-16T06:52:14.297-04:00CKHB (and others) hit what I was going to say: thi...CKHB (and others) hit what I was going to say: this isn't Lost, it's Lord of the Flies revisited.<br /><br />If you're going to go up against a Nobel-Prize-winning author, well, you need more ammunition than this.<br /><br />I saw the first season of Lost but then it was ripped away from public tv and never seen again. I did like what I saw. I don't like what I read here, mainly, I suspect, because US-style high school cliques are as meaningless to me as Lost is to the sharkster. That probably doesn't matter, though :).<br /><br />There's a long tradition of marooned on desert island stories; it would be worth reading a few to see what's gone before. Also, I suspect that so many people survived the Lost crash because something somewhere wanted them to. There need to be good reasons why so many people survive--perhaps the plane ditched in the sea rather than crashing? Some research into air accidents might be a good place to start when revising the novel.<br /><br />(word ver: nonfoods)nonehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00415222406280230021noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-42698571323151600182009-07-15T22:15:54.095-04:002009-07-15T22:15:54.095-04:00Am I the only one thinking about the legal ramific...Am I the only one thinking about the legal ramifications of publishing what is essentially fanfiction? An alternative ending, sure, but still fanfiction. I thought that wasn't kosher?Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-20422298382702943632009-07-15T19:54:55.711-04:002009-07-15T19:54:55.711-04:00I do know the show Lost although I stopped watchin...I do know the show Lost although I stopped watching it because it got too weird. Probably not a good idea to assume anyone else is watching it. Just tell your own story. <br />I'd like to know what the conflict is besides being stuck on this island? Perhaps do it from the main character's POV? (I don't mean first person) Just what her challenges, conflict and motavation is?Jeanniehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12925799798036271268noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-74739592861195926522009-07-15T19:10:51.884-04:002009-07-15T19:10:51.884-04:002:47 AM and you're still critiquing queries? ...2:47 AM and you're still critiquing queries? It must be true that sharks never stop swimming.Mark L. Friedlanderhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17390047799979541983noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-9186498855492905692009-07-15T17:59:38.294-04:002009-07-15T17:59:38.294-04:00William Golding called; he wants his plot back.William Golding called; he wants his plot back.Rain Likelyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11890603783025457025noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-40403960442193405012009-07-15T17:26:03.153-04:002009-07-15T17:26:03.153-04:00Sounds like Lost of the Flies to me.
My guess is ...Sounds like <i>Lost of the Flies</i> to me.<br /><br />My guess is that the author wanted to differentiate his/her book from <i>Lost</i>, but saying "I hate <i>Lost</i> and my book is like <i>Lost</i> only better!" is going to alienate the following three groups of agents: a) agents who have never seen <i>Lost</i>; b) agents who love <i>Lost</i> just the way it is; and c) agents who hate <i>Lost</i> and the only thing they could possibly hate worse is <i>Lost</i> with teenagers.JShttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13974691019739092440noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-79616613583600843112009-07-15T13:28:27.339-04:002009-07-15T13:28:27.339-04:00I love Lost, but that's not what would turn me...I love Lost, but that's not what would turn me off this query. What would turn me off was that you felt the need to express your hatred in the first paragraph. Starting with a negative is never a good idea. <br /><br />My first thought was, "You obviously don't know enough about the show to compare your book to it, or you wouldn't say Lost doesn't have an ending." Also, you'd need more than just a mysterious island to make your book anything like the show. I won't be discourteous to others and post spoilers, but there are many, many things that make Lost unique that I don't see referenced in your query.<br /><br />Finally, are satellite phones so common that referencing multiple phones makes sense? I would think they might have one sat phone at most on the whole plane.DeadlyAccuratehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08361707307035259942noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-86380726222162309412009-07-15T13:03:03.702-04:002009-07-15T13:03:03.702-04:00You're taking a big chance with slamming Lost ...You're taking a big chance with slamming Lost in the first paragraph. Whether you like the show or not, JJ Abrams is pretty well respected and even if the agent doesn't like Lost - maybe they like Star Trek or Fringe or Cloverfield and now they don't like YOU. For this to work, the agent would have to have seen Lost, and not like it. You're skipping over the group who haven't seen it, have seen it and like it, or who just don't like this sort of comparison.<br /><br />Besides, you clearly haven't seen this season of Lost or you'd know it has an ending.<br /><br />It just seems prideful and like a big misstep.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05653469892105848809noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-82464249291781534892009-07-15T12:58:28.009-04:002009-07-15T12:58:28.009-04:00I'd cut all references to Lost. Not only does...I'd cut all references to Lost. Not only does it make the book seem extremely derivative, it could turn off the agent and potential readers who love the show. (Lost is one of the highest-rated shows on TV; it has a <i>lot</i> of fans.)<br /><br />Nitpicking: The lack of commas lead to awkwardness or ambiguity in several sentencees.Kristin Laughtinhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01536556357622503501noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-2063868440656040892009-07-15T12:44:41.003-04:002009-07-15T12:44:41.003-04:00While I thought the execution of the query could u...While I thought the execution of the query could use a little reworking, I'd still argue that this would appeal to teens, especially the younger set (I read YA, and I would take a peek at it). To make the query clearer, cut all the Lost references to perhaps one line at the end and focus instead on the goals/obstacles of the group. The line about the flash on the plane and dead pilot are too vague too give us a sense of the direction of the plot.<br /><br />And on another (possibly totally irrelevant) point, my husband's entire extended family lives in a small town in Idaho. We go back for family reunions and I spend the entire time feeling like I've been time-warped back to the eighties. So when I read your query, the real fun for me was imagining a female Napoleon Dynamite stranded with a bunch of rich NYC type kids. It would be hilarious! (We loved Napoleon Dynamite. We watched it as a family and spent the whole time laughing because it was so true!)Lehcarjthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17171145477602995121noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-27536540342117534912009-07-15T12:40:56.239-04:002009-07-15T12:40:56.239-04:00I'm lost. I think I've seen half of one ep...I'm lost. I think I've seen half of one episode of that show. It didn't hook me.<br /><br />On the other hand, my very first taste of Gray's Anatomy was about a young white girl engaged to be married, and an older black gentleman with a family, impaled with a pole, that when removed, will kill one of them. One will surely die, and they must choose which of them it will be. It was an impossible situation and I was riveted. Does your story hold any impossible situations?astrologymemphis.blogspot.comhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08094432734141490681noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-38895785595717087232009-07-15T11:44:38.808-04:002009-07-15T11:44:38.808-04:00You know, what if the agent they queried loved Los...You know, what if the agent they queried loved Lost?Rachaelhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11918987890132222901noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-38118093202960344512009-07-15T10:30:57.008-04:002009-07-15T10:30:57.008-04:00I'm a little confused as well as to why the au...I'm a little confused as well as to why the author chose to write this book. <br /><br />Well, wait. I could see why he might want to write that story...but! I'm confused as to why he would use a story/show that he hated to help sell it. That's just...not logical.SM Bloodinghttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09971299586092717838noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-19109829838588522142009-07-15T10:06:02.531-04:002009-07-15T10:06:02.531-04:00If the author hates/despises Lost, why did they wr...If the author hates/despises Lost, why did they write a book about basically the same thing? Or is the book's character saying she hates Lost? Confused.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-62706962007397566792009-07-15T09:02:49.997-04:002009-07-15T09:02:49.997-04:00I wouldn't know what Lost was either if they d...I wouldn't know what Lost was either if they didn't put the trailer for it on my favorite movie.S.D.https://www.blogger.com/profile/10637012429541938128noreply@blogger.com