tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post9192665996466681620..comments2024-03-16T01:00:59.945-04:00Comments on Query Shark: #312Janet Reidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00615380335938685231noreply@blogger.comBlogger3125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-33150767025979711292018-06-08T20:27:20.313-04:002018-06-08T20:27:20.313-04:00OPIE, you need a good crit group. Readers who writ...OPIE, you need a good crit group. Readers who write and may suggest how to improve your work. Here are some suggestions I'd make in addition to Ms. Shark's query analysis:<br />- The first sentence, "Ekaterina Caldwell...novel.", is verbless. That's okay for Charles Dickens because his few verbless sentences are more visual and emotive than with the obvious verbs. <br />- You need not mention the lack of exchanging contact information and certainly not whether it was personal. <br />- "A few months later" could be "Months later," we know if it were many months, you'd have written "years later".<br />- "paths cross again" We know it's again 'cause you just wrote that they had previously had an encounter.<br />- "relationship grows deeper" You are telling the reader what to believe. We think you're lying. Otherwise you'd just show us what transpired. <br />[A psychologist found that novel reader do not believe what a writer tells them they to believe. We know they are pack of liars because their books of total lies--that's why they're novels. So, just provide the evidence and let us decide.]<br />- "romantic days" Don't tell me they were romantic days; I want facts not summation. Do you think anybody was convicted because the prosecutor summarized in his opening. Jurors know he's a liar because he's a lawyer. <br />- "Aside...marriages." This sentences contributes nothing not conveyed better in the next sentence.<br />- "While" is unnecessary. <br />- "keeps a veil of mystery" says the same as "says little". <br />- "The mystery" What mystery? Is there a dead body somewhere? Don't say there's a mystery unless you expose it. (In a query. The novel's different.) <br />- "at a grand castle during her research for a historical novel." We don't need to know this in a query. Belongs in the novel though. [subjectless sentence--shame on me.] <br /><br />You get 250 words in a query. Make every one count. <br /><br />If this sounds harsh, sorry, but that's why we seek crit groups. And it was Hemingway who said, "Everybody's first draft is shit." He was doubtless referring to my efforts. Don't let it bother you. Go over it again and again and again. And when you can't make it better, then get crit help. After that, maybe an editor. Mister Furkleshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07156977719916770984noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-26989164909452239312018-06-04T19:34:12.002-04:002018-06-04T19:34:12.002-04:00I suggest you read up on new adult as a category. ...I suggest you read up on new adult as a category. New adult generally involves characters who are fresh out of high school, not fresh out of marriages.Cherylhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09128656624170294636noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-36188240205209534752018-06-03T16:26:12.464-04:002018-06-03T16:26:12.464-04:00Nothing to add here. Janet already explained it pe...Nothing to add here. Janet already explained it perfectly. From the query I’ve no sense of what’s the plot. There are no stakes, no sense of conflict or tension. <br />Your Wntlish seems fine to me (English is not my first language too and I had no problem reading your query)<br /><br />Focus on your plot. Make us fear for the choice your MC has to make.<br /><br />Good luck!Frankiehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14515451171608119922noreply@blogger.com