tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-48129097009500690502024-03-17T23:04:03.624-04:00Query SharkHow To Write Query Letters ... or, really, how to revise query letters so they actually workJanet Reidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00615380335938685231noreply@blogger.comBlogger381125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-56284840448252972482023-07-30T12:00:00.016-04:002023-07-30T12:00:00.139-04:00#347 <blockquote>
<p class="MsoNormal">I've been querying agents for the last 6-months and have
over 50 rejections. I'm not sure if my novel isn't very interesting/sellable or
if my query letter is the problem. After reading the archives on your site, I
did a total rework and would appreciate any feedback!</p></blockquote><p class="MsoNormal"></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Dear QueryShark,</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">There are stories that never get told, but need to be. TITLE, a 92.000 upmarket women’s historical fiction tells the
remarkably true stories of three generations of Italian women as they face
World War II, the Fascist Movement, immigration, unexpected pregnancies, and a
global pandemic. Challenging societal expectations, they experience the love,
loss, and yearning for better that binds us all across generations.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">Are you thinking this is a hook?</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">(it's not)<br /></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">It's more like the start of a book review.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">An effective hook gives us a sense of the problem that
drives the book.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">Here's the hook for All Roads Lead Me Back to You by Kennedy
Foster</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0in; margin-left: .4in; margin-right: .4in; margin-top: 0in; margin: 0in 0.4in;"><span>Hard-working, no frills Alice Andison
barely scrapes by after her father's death when Domingo Rolodan, an
undocumented Mexican horse and cattle man, knight in shining saddle, arrives to
not only save her father's legacy but win Alice's heart if he can just steer
clear of the oppressive clutches of the increasingly gestapo-like modern INS.</span><span style="color: #2b00fe;"><br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" /></span>
<span style="color: #2b00fe;"><br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" /></span>
</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">See the difference?</span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">The characters have an emotional component and we see what problem they face. <br /></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Vittoria was born in a small town in Northern Italy in 1914.
Growing up in the absolute poverty of a war torn country, she longs for better
and isn’t afraid to take on anyone, even Mussolini himself to find it. But
challenging societal norms takes unexpected turns and soon she finds herself
with the broken promise of a soldier, a growing belly, and no ring. </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Anna was born an illegitimate child amidst the height of
World War II. Distrustful of men, yet always seeking their attention, she
solicits the attention of the boy next door– the one with big dreams, who soon
leaves for Canada, asking Anna to join him. She sees a chance for a new land, a
new start, a new life. Who needs love when you have an opportunity? </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Grace was born the child of immigrants. Trying to make
something of herself, she is tired of trying and quitting a million things –
including relationships. No sooner does she commit to completing her master’s
degree, then she meets Jax, and everything comes together and falls apart.
Suddenly, there are too many choices and one big question: How does one define
“better”?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">You've introduced three characters here, but there's no
plot.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">Plot isn't what happens. It's not the events of the book. </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">Plot is choices the characters face and what's at stake with those choices.<br /></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;"> You must have plot in a query, even if you're querying a character-driven book.<br /></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">You also don't tell us how these women are connected. (Are
they?)</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;"><i>Three generations</i> makes me think they're related to
each other, but that's not obvious from the query.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">Also, by introducing all three characters equally, you can't focus on
the start of the story.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">If the story begins with Vittoria, let's give her more page
time. If the story starts with one of the other two, lead with her, give her more page time.<br /></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">You have a limited amount of space here to engage your
reader. Focus on how the story starts.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;"> Vittoria (or whomever) wants to (what?)</span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">BUT, (problem) prevents her.</span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">Now she must (choose a path.)</span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;"><br /></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;"><br /></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">Get that on the page first.</span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">Then show how the characters are linked.</span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">You do NOT need the details of Anna and Grace, unless one of them is the main character, not Vittoria.</span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;"><br /></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;"><br /></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">TITLE would be the love child of </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">Resist the urge to be clever with comps.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">Just say your book will appeal to readers who liked:</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Sisters in Arms by Kaia Alderson, </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Untamed by Glennon Doyle, </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">This is a memoir. Don't use NF as a comp for a novel, even
historical fiction.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">What We Carry: A Memoir by Maya Shanbhag Lang, </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">also a memoir</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">and The Nightingale by Kristin Hannah. </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">This was pubbed in 2017 so it's too old to be an effective
comp.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">If you take a look at the Amazon description of Sisters in
Arms by Kaia Alderson, you'll see there is conflict and tension (which is what
you need in the query)</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;"> </span></p>
<p style="margin-bottom: 0in; margin-left: .4in; margin-right: .4in; margin-top: 0in; margin: 0in 0.4in;"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: helvetica; font-size: 11pt;">Grace
Steele and Eliza Jones may be from completely different backgrounds, but when
it comes to the army, specifically the Women’s Army Auxiliary Corps (WAAC),
they are both starting from the same level. Not only will they be among the
first class of female officers the army has even seen, they are also the first
Black women allowed to serve.</span></p>
<p style="margin-bottom: 0in; margin-left: .4in; margin-right: .4in; margin-top: 0in; margin: 0in 0.4in;"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: helvetica; font-size: 11pt;"> </span></p>
<p style="margin-bottom: 0in; margin-left: .4in; margin-right: .4in; margin-top: 0in; margin: 0in 0.4in;"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: helvetica; font-size: 11pt;">As
these courageous women help to form the 6888<sup>th</sup> Central Postal
Directory Battalion, they are dealing with more than just army
bureaucracy—<b>everyone is determined to see this experiment fail</b>. For two
northern women, learning to navigate their way through the segregated army may
be tougher than boot camp. <b>Grace and Eliza know that there is no room for
error; they must be more perfect than everyone else.</b></span></p>
<p style="margin-bottom: 0in; margin-left: .4in; margin-right: .4in; margin-top: 0in; margin: 0in 0.4in;"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: helvetica; font-size: 11pt;"> </span></p>
<p style="margin-bottom: 0in; margin-left: .4in; margin-right: .4in; margin-top: 0in; margin: 0in 0.4in;"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: helvetica; font-size: 11pt;">When
they finally make it overseas, to England and then France, Grace and Eliza will
at last be able to do their parts for the country they love, whatever the risk
to themselves.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">A melding of immigration, identity, </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I have my master’s in English with an emphasis in Technical
Writing, and currently work as a content creator and SEO specialist. When I’m
not working or writing you can find me reading a million children’s books to my
one and two year old sons (or removing whatever object they’ve found to turn
into a sword). I’m passionate about telling untold stories in literature, the
stories that make us feel like we aren’t alone. </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">[INSERT PERSONAL DETAIL].</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">I am querying you because (whatever).</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Thank you for your
time and consideration <s>of my submission.</s></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><s>Best regards,</s></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">You only need one closing.</span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;"> </span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;"> </span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p><style>@font-face
{font-family:"Cambria Math";
panose-1:2 4 5 3 5 4 6 3 2 4;
mso-font-charset:0;
mso-generic-font-family:roman;
mso-font-pitch:variable;
mso-font-signature:-536870145 1107305727 0 0 415 0;}@font-face
{font-family:Calibri;
panose-1:2 15 5 2 2 2 4 3 2 4;
mso-font-charset:0;
mso-generic-font-family:swiss;
mso-font-pitch:variable;
mso-font-signature:-469750017 -1073732485 9 0 511 0;}p.MsoNormal, li.MsoNormal, div.MsoNormal
{mso-style-name:"Normal\,Normal query";
mso-style-unhide:no;
mso-style-qformat:yes;
mso-style-parent:"";
margin:0in;
mso-pagination:widow-orphan;
font-size:11.0pt;
mso-bidi-font-size:10.0pt;
font-family:"Calibri",sans-serif;
mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri;
mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin;
mso-fareast-font-family:Calibri;
mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-latin;
mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri;
mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin;
mso-bidi-font-family:"Courier New";
mso-font-kerning:1.0pt;
mso-ligatures:standardcontextual;}p
{mso-style-noshow:yes;
mso-style-priority:99;
mso-margin-top-alt:auto;
margin-right:0in;
mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto;
margin-left:0in;
mso-pagination:widow-orphan;
font-size:12.0pt;
font-family:"Times New Roman",serif;
mso-fareast-font-family:"Times New Roman";}.MsoChpDefault
{mso-style-type:export-only;
mso-default-props:yes;
font-size:11.0pt;
mso-ansi-font-size:11.0pt;
mso-bidi-font-size:10.0pt;
font-family:"Calibri",sans-serif;
mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri;
mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin;
mso-fareast-font-family:Calibri;
mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-latin;
mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri;
mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin;
mso-bidi-font-family:"Courier New";}div.WordSection1
{page:WordSection1;}</style></p>Janet Reidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00615380335938685231noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-42454791809928510332023-06-11T12:00:00.002-04:002023-10-31T16:49:15.406-04:00#346 (revised 1x)<p>Revision #1</p><p>
</p><p class="MsoNormal"><br /></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Dear Query Shark:</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Lily Carter has hid her singing voice away for years for
fear of rejection. </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">Lily Carter has <i>hidden</i>, not <i>hid.</i></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">These kinds of mistakes can fell your query before you know
it.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">If grammar and syntax aren't your forte, it's ok. It's not a
sign of bad writing, or low character.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">Just recognize that it's a stumbling block and make friends
with Miss Picklepuss, the copy editor from hell. She'll help you remove these
gremlins. It might cost some money, but this is something you do want to invest
in.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Her <strike>best friend</strike><s> (</s>now ex-best friend<s>)</s> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">you don't need both of these.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">Your reader will intuit that they were once best friends if
she's now the ex-best friend.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">Watch for this kind of over-writing.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">made it clear she should never sing in public <s>if she can
help it. </s></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">Suggest taking this last part out just to give the sentence
more drama.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">So Lily sings only when she's sure no one else can hear her.
Imagine her embarrassment when the new kid in town catches her in the act. </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;"><i>Imagine her embarrassmen</i>t takes us out of the narrative.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">You're telling, not showing.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">Avoid that.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">She's embarrassed.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">But embarrassed is such a tepid word for the plot point
that's driving the narrative.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">Here's a good place to get out the Thesaurus and dig around
for more vivid words.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">mortified</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">humiliated</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">(and there are others, take your pick)</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Already at odds with Jack Sutton after an encounter<s> with
him </s>at school, Lily expects nothing but scorn <s>from him.</s> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">Again, pare out what you don't need.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">This is the meat and tater tots of revising. Early drafts
are almost always too long. Pare out everything you don't need.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">But instead of making fun of her, he compliments her,
throwing all her preconceived notions about what a terrible singer she is into
question.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">It's NOT a preconceived notion, is it? It's what someone
told her (someone with some sort of malevolent agenda it sounds like.)</span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;"> </span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">Internal conflicts in a query are huge red flag. It tells me you don't have a handle on the plot, and the full manuscript may not hold together very well. Again, here's where Miss Picklepuss can be of great value. <br /></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><strike>Suddenly, the aggravating yet undeniably charming Jack
keeps is popping up all over the place. At school, at church, and then
there’s the real icing on the cake. It turns out that Jack is the brother of
her new best friend. </strike></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">Do we need to know any of this?</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">This next sentence connects to the previous one more
directly.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">With a musical background himself and a dogged belief that
Lily has talent, Jack makes it his mission to get Lily back on the horse. Or
the stage, so to speak. </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">Consider:</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">Jack has a musical background himself, and seems to think
Lily has talent.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">He makes it his mission to get Lily back on stage.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">There's a LOT to be said for starting your sentences with
the subject, not burying it in a clause.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">As Lily spends more time with Jack and his spirited sister
Cat, a self-consciousness Lily didn't even realize she had developed begins to
mend. </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">She didn't realize she was self-conscious about her singing?</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">Are you serious here? That just doesn't make sense unless
Lily is blindingly un-self aware.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">She's literally stopped singing outside of the shower. </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">She even gets up the courage to enter the high school talent
show thanks to a little prodding from Jack and his agreement to help her
prepare for the show. When Jack starts giving her singing lessons, Lily slowly
begins believing in herself again.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">But Lily has a few obstacles to overcome. Like that pesky
stage fright thing. Or the ex-best friend who unexpectedly resurfaces and tries
to sabotage Lily’s chances. Or the growing feelings she’s developing for her
best friend’s brother. Lily must rely on her friends, her family, and her
new-found confidence in order to get ready for talent show day.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">You've got a lot of stuff going on here, but not very much plot.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">What's the problem here?</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">Lily has been told she shouldn't sing in public.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">What problem does that create?</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">Then Jack comes along and tells her she does have a singing
voice.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">What problem does that solve?</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">TAKE A DEEP BREATH is a young adult novel complete at 60,000
words </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">You don't need to say it's complete.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">That's assumed.</span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;"> </span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">And this just doesn't feel YA to me. There's no sense of Lily or Jack learning to navigate in the real world. There's no real romantic element.</span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;"> <br /></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">that portrays the sarcastic, yet vulnerable Lily along with
her lovable family and kindhearted friends. </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">Sarcastic?</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">Not in these pages she isn't.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">A story of personal growth with a touch of romance, this
novel is similar to Maybe This Time by Kasie West or Eyes on Me by Rachel
Harris.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I am a small town Minnesota gal, where a person can go from
wearing a sweatshirt and wool socks one day to a tank top and sandals the next.
This is my first novel.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Thank you for your time and consideration.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;"> </span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">you've got a lot of concept but not enough story.</span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">You need more plot on the page. The problem Lily faces, and the choices to solve, and what's at stake.</span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;"> </span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">It will help if we see those things for Jack too.</span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;"> </span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">You've only got 60K here so you've a got a LOT of room to add more depth. </span><br /></p><p class="MsoNormal"> </p><p class="MsoNormal"> </p><p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p><style>@font-face
{font-family:"Cambria Math";
panose-1:2 4 5 3 5 4 6 3 2 4;
mso-font-charset:0;
mso-generic-font-family:roman;
mso-font-pitch:variable;
mso-font-signature:-536870145 1107305727 0 0 415 0;}@font-face
{font-family:Calibri;
panose-1:2 15 5 2 2 2 4 3 2 4;
mso-font-charset:0;
mso-generic-font-family:swiss;
mso-font-pitch:variable;
mso-font-signature:-536859905 -1073732485 9 0 511 0;}p.MsoNormal, li.MsoNormal, div.MsoNormal
{mso-style-name:"Normal\,Normal query";
mso-style-unhide:no;
mso-style-qformat:yes;
mso-style-parent:"";
margin:0in;
mso-pagination:widow-orphan;
font-size:11.0pt;
mso-bidi-font-size:10.0pt;
font-family:"Calibri",sans-serif;
mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri;
mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin;
mso-fareast-font-family:Calibri;
mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-latin;
mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri;
mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin;
mso-bidi-font-family:"Courier New";
mso-font-kerning:1.0pt;
mso-ligatures:standardcontextual;}.MsoChpDefault
{mso-style-type:export-only;
mso-default-props:yes;
font-size:11.0pt;
mso-ansi-font-size:11.0pt;
mso-bidi-font-size:10.0pt;
font-family:"Calibri",sans-serif;
mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri;
mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin;
mso-fareast-font-family:Calibri;
mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-latin;
mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri;
mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin;
mso-bidi-font-family:"Courier New";}div.WordSection1
{page:WordSection1;}</style></p><p>******</p><p><span style="color: #2b00fe;">Original query</span><br /></p><p class="MsoNormal">This query is a completely revised one from the one I
started with as that one got me a couple of partial requests, but nothing
serious. Now, since I've started using this query, I haven't even gotten a
nibble. </p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">In the first 53 words you have two problems that could lead to an immediate pass.</span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">While agents aren't actively looking for reasons to pass if you give them two in short order, that's what's going to happen.</span><br /></p><p class="MsoNormal"> </p><p class="MsoNormal">My first query was succinct but a bit commercial in my opinion. So I
tried to offer a quirkier approach with this one.</p><p class="MsoNormal"> </p><p class="MsoNormal"> </p><p class="MsoNormal"><br /></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;"><i> A bit commercial </i>isn't a bad thing. Agents are looking for things they can sell (ie commercial). </span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><br /></p><p class="MsoNormal"> I did beef up my bio after
reading your archives. </p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">141 words is about 100 too many. See notes below. An extensive bio doesn't make up for problems in the query so lets focus on that.</span><br /></p><p class="MsoNormal">You also stated in the archives that queries should have
at least 2 comps. Is it okay to comp an author instead like I did?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="background-color: white; color: #2b00fe;"> No, see notes below</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Dear Query Shark:</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">People are creatures of habit. They take the same route to
school every day, they buy the same brand of soap they always do, and they
listen to the same radio station, day in and day out. And they also sit at the
same school desk every morning in first period English class. </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="background-color: white;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="background-color: white; color: #2b00fe;">When I read this, I have no idea if you're querying for fiction or
non-fiction.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="background-color: white; color: #2b00fe;">That's a big problem when agents are getting dozens of
queries a week.</span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="background-color: white; color: #2b00fe;"><b>Big problem = pass. <br /></b></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="background-color: white; color: #2b00fe;">It's more effective to start with the character's name and
what problem she faces</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">At least, that’s what Lily Carter used to do.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">Consider instead: </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><strike>People are creatures of habit.</strike> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="background-color: white; color: #2b00fe;">Lily Carter is a creature of habit.</span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><strike><span style="background-color: white; color: #2b00fe;"> </span></strike></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><strike>They take the same route to school every day, they buy the
same brand of soap they always do, and they listen to the same radio station,
day in and day out.</strike></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">She takes the same route to school every day, buys the same
brand of soap, listens to the same radio station, day in and day you.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><strike><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And they also sit at
the same school desk every morning in first period English class. </strike></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><strike>And sit at the same desk every morning in first period
English.</strike></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">But when you revise like this the real problem becomes very
clear.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">You're describing someone who doesn't sound very
interesting. In fact, she sounds dull as dishwater.<br /></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">That's DEATH in a query, particularly in YA.</span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;"><b>Death = pass. <br /></b></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">Now, if there's a reason Lily is so methodical in her daily
life, that would give her some depth.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">Is this how she feels safe?</span></p>
<p class="b-qt"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">Did she read Gustave Flaubert and take his advice to heart:
"Be regular and orderly in your life, so that you may be violent and
original in your work."</span></p>
<p class="b-qt"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">Let's give Lily some context here.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Until Jack Sutton
just waltzed in and stole it right out from under her. The gentlemanly thing to
do would have been to give it back. Instead, he refused to acknowledge her
rightful claim of dibs and in the process managed to ruffle her feathers, push
her buttons, flip her lid, and get her goat. If you know what I mean.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">Because he sat in her chair?</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">Does this seem like a very intense reaction to something
that's essentially not important? It's not like he said her mum wears army boots.<br /></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">So, Jack is the last person on earth that Lily wants
witnessing her humiliating attempt at singing. </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">There's no connection here between Jack stealing her seat in
English class and witnessing her humiliating attempt at singing.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">How is it that Jack is in her life at all? </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Lily has been very careful to keep her voice under wraps
after receiving rejection at the hands of a close friend. </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">What was Lily trying to do that a close friend rejected her?</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">Specifics are much more compelling than generalities.</span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">You don't want to be awash in too much detail, but you need more than you have here.</span><br /></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Surprisingly though, Jack challenges her belief of
mediocrity. </p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">What he actually does is challenge her belief that her singing is mediocre.</span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">You need razor sharp, precise sentences in a query. </span><br /></p><p class="MsoNormal"> </p><p class="MsoNormal">He actually begins to make her question a lot of things. Like the
idea that the talent show is out of her league. Maybe, it's not. Maybe, she
could even win it. </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p><p class="MsoNormal">Although there is the small matter of that pesky stage
fright thing…</p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">So far, there's nothing interesting about Lily, and she sounds rather like a basket case. This is a HUGE problem in YA that is character driven. </span><br /></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">As Lily gets closer to Jack and his spirited sister Cat, a
self-consciousness Lily didn't even realize she had developed begins to mend.
Thanks to a little prodding from her new friends, Lily signs up for the talent
show. </p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;"> What does Jack see in Lily that he's investing time and emotional support in her?</span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><br /></p><p class="MsoNormal">But someone from Lily's past is determined to see her fail. </p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">This is absolutely out of left field. With no context it's like a big ink blot on the page.</span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">Let's give the antagonist some more page time. </span><br /></p><p class="MsoNormal"> </p><p class="MsoNormal">Lily must
rely on her friends, her family, and her new-found confidence in order to
overcome the obstacles in her way. </p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">What obstacles? I thought there was an antagonist trying to thwart her. </span><br /></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Take a Deep Breath is a young adult novel complete at 60,000
words that portrays the sarcastic, yet vulnerable Lily along with her lovable
family and kindhearted friends. A story of personal growth with a touch of
romance, this novel will appeal to fans of Kasie West.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">You need to use titles, not authors. Those titles need to be recent, no earlier than 2019. </span><br /></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">Your bio is 141 words. Given a query should be 250-300
you've spent a larger percentage of your word count on your bio and not your
book.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I am a small town Minnesota gal, where a person can go from
wearing a sweatshirt and wool socks one day to a t-shirt and sandals the next.
With a penchant for staying in every night with my two cats and a DVD
collection to rival a Blockbuster store (are there any of those in existence
anymore?) one might be tempted to call me an introvert. If it weren't for my
extroverted husband, I just might be. Kudos to him for getting me out of my
comfort zone and making friends with the outside world. Who knew I would enjoy
things like pickleball and Korean BBQ? (not at the same time, for heaven's sake).
This is my first novel and</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><strike><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I'm looking to team
up with an agent who can help an eager, wide-eyed newcomer navigate the ropes
of the literary world.</strike></p><p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">This kind of statement is counter-productive.<br /></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">Agents see this as code for needy and naive.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Even if you are these things, they're not
something you'd put in your bio.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Remember a query is also about the agent assessing if you're someone
they want to work with. Someone who clearly will need a lot of hand holding is less
likely to get a nod. Just leave this kind of statement out.<br /></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Thank you for your time and consideration.</p><p class="MsoNormal"> </p><p class="MsoNormal"> </p><p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">This does not have enough edge to be YA.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">It sounds middle grade to me.</span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">There's no sense of Lily coming to terms with the larger
world, or figuring out her place in it.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">It's all character development and very light on plot.</span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;"> </span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">There's not enough story on the page.</span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;"> <br /></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;"> </span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;"> </span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;"> </span></p><p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p><style>@font-face
{font-family:"Cambria Math";
panose-1:2 4 5 3 5 4 6 3 2 4;
mso-font-charset:0;
mso-generic-font-family:roman;
mso-font-pitch:variable;
mso-font-signature:3 0 0 0 1 0;}@font-face
{font-family:Calibri;
panose-1:2 15 5 2 2 2 4 3 2 4;
mso-font-charset:0;
mso-generic-font-family:swiss;
mso-font-pitch:variable;
mso-font-signature:-536859905 -1073697537 9 0 511 0;}p.MsoNormal, li.MsoNormal, div.MsoNormal
{mso-style-name:"Normal\,Normal query";
mso-style-unhide:no;
mso-style-qformat:yes;
mso-style-parent:"";
margin:0in;
mso-pagination:widow-orphan;
font-size:11.0pt;
mso-bidi-font-size:10.0pt;
font-family:"Calibri",sans-serif;
mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri;
mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin;
mso-fareast-font-family:Calibri;
mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-latin;
mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri;
mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin;
mso-bidi-font-family:"Courier New";
mso-font-kerning:1.0pt;
mso-ligatures:standardcontextual;}p.b-qt, li.b-qt, div.b-qt
{mso-style-name:b-qt;
mso-style-unhide:no;
mso-margin-top-alt:auto;
margin-right:0in;
mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto;
margin-left:0in;
mso-pagination:widow-orphan;
font-size:12.0pt;
font-family:"Times New Roman",serif;
mso-fareast-font-family:"Times New Roman";}.MsoChpDefault
{mso-style-type:export-only;
mso-default-props:yes;
font-size:11.0pt;
mso-ansi-font-size:11.0pt;
mso-bidi-font-size:10.0pt;
font-family:"Calibri",sans-serif;
mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri;
mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin;
mso-fareast-font-family:Calibri;
mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-latin;
mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri;
mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin;
mso-bidi-font-family:"Courier New";}div.WordSection1
{page:WordSection1;}</style></p>Janet Reidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00615380335938685231noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-49824864432213782552023-03-26T12:00:00.026-04:002023-03-26T12:00:00.194-04:00#345<br /><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Question/Concern</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Regarding the acceptable word count
of a query letter, the body of this letter is 250. I had other short versions
(<200 words) but continued receiving form rejections from agents. I added
more content to this letter to provide better story detail. Still, my concern
is that the letter needs to be shorter, more enjoyable, or both. I don't know
which.</span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Word count is a flexible target. You can go over the 250 target without worrying about some sort of auto-pass. Some queries need more words. If you're over 400, that's when to sharpen your scissors. Anything under 250 runs the risk of not getting enough story on the page. </span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: 12pt;">BUT, word count isn't the issue with your query. </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: 12pt;">The issue is you don't have the story on the page.</span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: 12pt;"> </span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: 12pt;">Getting the story on the page means that after reading the query I should be able to tell you:</span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: 12pt;">1. Who the main character is</span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: 12pt;">2. What they want</span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: 12pt;">3. What's getting in the way of getting what they want.</span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: 12pt;">4. What's at stake if they don't get it. </span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: 12pt;">And I should be able to do this without needing to take notes. Remember, agents are NOT reading your query as though it's a text book. They're reading to get an idea of the story and your writing style.</span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: 12pt;">A lot of detail, or too much abstraction stymies them.</span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: 12pt;">Avoid that.<br /></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Dear Query Shark,</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Meet Dr. Niklos Krylov, inventor of
the Save-Transmit Machine (STM). With it, the world is forever changed... for
the worse.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">The excitement of the STM's debut </span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">What was STM designed to do? If there's<i> excitement,</i> your reader is led to believe it was something good. <br /></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"> </span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">quickly turns to horror when the machine unleashes identical hydrogen bombs in
cities across the Earth. The event, known as the Trinity Attack, drives the
world to anarchy. Nik, overcome with guilt and shame, retreats into hiding.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: 12pt;">My hope is that Nik did not invent
the STM machine in order to unleash hydrogen bombs.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: 12pt;">What did he invent it for?</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: 12pt;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: 12pt;">In other words, what did Nik want to
do that was thwarted by the godawful results of his experiment?</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: 12pt;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">But his concealment is short-lived.
A slave-mining operation captures Nik and forces him to dig for the radioactive
fuel that powers the STM.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: 12pt;"><i>Slave mining</i> implies that the
operation is mining for slaves.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: 12pt;">I'm pretty sure that's not what you
mean here.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: 12pt;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: 12pt;">What you mean is a mining operation
that uses slaves to dig.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Revise this for clarity.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: 12pt;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">When a fellow prisoner's life is at
risk, Nik's expertise as the STM's inventor is exposed. His captors issue a
brutal ultimatum: reveal his identity or die in silence. </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: 12pt;">Ok, but why? What do the captors
want that revealing his identity will get for them?</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: 12pt;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Nik surrenders to their whips, but a
group of freedom fighters rescues him before he becomes another pawn in the
STM-powered apocalypse.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: 12pt;">What STM-powered apocalypse? You've
told us that the world dissolved into anarchy when the STM unleashed hydrogen
bombs. Is the machine still functioning? What is it doing? Who's got their foot
on the metaphorical gas pedal?</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">With their help, Nik sets out on a
journey of survival through the ruins of civilization and into the reaches of
space. When he uncovers the origin of the Trinity Attack, Nik is shocked to
learn a horrible secret. The STM was used to alter the human condition. </span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"> </span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><i>Alter the human condition</i>? That's too abstract to be useful. Specifics are very useful in a query. <br /></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"> </span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Faced
with moral and ethical dilemmas, Nik tries to right the wrongs of his past and
end the destruction caused by the STM.</span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"> </span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">He can't end the destruction if it's already happened. He can either fix the destruction, or stop the destruction from continuing. <br /></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: 12pt;">So, who's the antagonist here?</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: 12pt;">Is it the STM machine, or the person
who's operating it?</span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: 12pt;"> <br /></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: 12pt;"><u>Comps go here</u></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: 12pt;">You should include 2-3 books that your intended readers will have read and liked. Comps need to be recent (pubbed no earlier than 2019); on your shelf (in this case SF); and pubbed by a trade house large or small (but not self-pubbed.) </span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: 12pt;"><u>Bio goes here</u></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: 12pt;">It's useful to include a couple lines about you. It warms up the query. If you don't have any pub credits don't worry. Your bio is about you, not your work. Where you live; dogs/cats/dragons and other pets. That kind of thing. <u><br /></u></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Eschaton, an 87,000-word
science-fiction thriller, explores the consequences of technological
advancements gone wrong. It would be my debut novel,</span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">One of the main requirements of a thriller is a ticking clock. That's not evident in your query. If it's NOT in the book, this isn't a thriller. That's ok. Just don't call it one if it isn't. </span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><br /></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><s><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">and I would be grateful for the
opportunity to bring this work to publication with you. </span></s></p><p class="MsoNormal"><s><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"> </span></s></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"> You are not a supplicant even if it feels that way sometimes.</span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">You are providing an agent with the opportunity to sell your work and make some money. Be grateful when she does that. Right now just thank her for her time and consideration as you do next.</span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><br /></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Thank you for your time and
consideration.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"> </span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">It sounds like your story is: A machine goes haywire. Chaos ensues.</span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">That's the concept for a gazillion movies, most of them based on books.</span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">In other words, something that we've all seen a lot of.</span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><br /></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Agents are looking for fresh and new.</span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">That does NOT mean you can't have a machine going haywire and chaos ensues.</span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><br /></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">What it means is that you need your fresh take on this. You need distinctive characters that we're engaged with and care about. You want to tell us a story in a way that makes us see things in a new light. You have to elevate the category, not just add to it.</span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"> </span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">In other words, you gotta tell me what makes your book better and different.</span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">And that's not by saying "my book is better and different."</span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">You have to show it in the story you're enticing me to read.</span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><br /></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><br /></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">So your revision is twofold: get the story on the page, and frame it in such a way that it feels fresh and new.</span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><br /></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">This is NOT an easy task. It's not a matter of changing up a few words here and there.</span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Good revising requires deep thinking.<br /></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p><style>@font-face
{font-family:"Cambria Math";
panose-1:2 4 5 3 5 4 6 3 2 4;
mso-font-charset:0;
mso-generic-font-family:roman;
mso-font-pitch:variable;
mso-font-signature:-536870145 1107305727 0 0 415 0;}@font-face
{font-family:Calibri;
panose-1:2 15 5 2 2 2 4 3 2 4;
mso-font-charset:0;
mso-generic-font-family:swiss;
mso-font-pitch:variable;
mso-font-signature:-536859905 -1073697537 9 0 511 0;}p.MsoNormal, li.MsoNormal, div.MsoNormal
{mso-style-name:"Normal\,Normal query";
mso-style-unhide:no;
mso-style-qformat:yes;
mso-style-parent:"";
margin:0in;
mso-pagination:widow-orphan;
font-size:11.0pt;
mso-bidi-font-size:10.0pt;
font-family:"Calibri",sans-serif;
mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri;
mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin;
mso-fareast-font-family:Calibri;
mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-latin;
mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri;
mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin;
mso-bidi-font-family:"Courier New";}.MsoChpDefault
{mso-style-type:export-only;
mso-default-props:yes;
font-size:11.0pt;
mso-ansi-font-size:11.0pt;
mso-bidi-font-size:10.0pt;
font-family:"Calibri",sans-serif;
mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri;
mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin;
mso-fareast-font-family:Calibri;
mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-latin;
mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri;
mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin;
mso-bidi-font-family:"Courier New";}div.WordSection1
{page:WordSection1;}</style></p>Janet Reidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00615380335938685231noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-8549793666595451222022-11-13T12:07:00.007-05:002023-08-01T13:22:07.757-04:00#344 Revised 8/1/23<p><span style="color: #2b00fe;">REVISION #1</span></p><p>
</p><br /><p class="MsoNormal">Dear Query Shark,</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I am writing to you seeking representation for my
122,000-word adult fantasy novel THE CROSSOVER.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">This is better than the 137K you had the first time, but
paring down to under 120K is a good idea. </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">The last thing you want is an agent seeing the word count
and swiping left without reading another word.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><s>When </s>ELENORE and BENAIAH</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">don't cap character names.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>inadvertently stumble
across a portal to another world<span style="color: #2b00fe;">.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Elenore just wants to
gather evidence of their strange discovery to prove it to her university
colleagues. </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">None of this matters, not really.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">The story starts when they arrive in Swordlandia.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">Let's refocus to make that clear.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><s>Driven by her curiosity, she </s></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">Eleanora and Ben find a portal and of course, they want to
see where it leads.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><s>She leads Ben, her horse, and her dog through the portal.</s></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">Not to pick nits but did you notice the dog is never
mentioned again?</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">Having your dog with you in a strange land would be
comforting, no?</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">And does the dog get superpowers too?</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">They pop </span><strike>popping</strike> out in an entirely different universe. </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">This is a big moment in the query. Making it a separate
short sentence gives it power and drama.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">You want to stay in Elenore's point of view here, so let's
revise this:</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><s>Two sword-bearing forces arrive with one obvious goal: </s></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">They're met by two, <i>separate</i> sword-bearing forces.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">Let's add s<i>eparate</i> here so the reader doesn't think
these are two platoons of the same company.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><s>capture the strangers from another world.</s></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">We don't really need to know what the SBFs want. They're not
the important antagonist.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Elenore is captured
by the king's brigade, and Ben is captured by the resistance movement. <s>against
the king. </s></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">Let your reader do some of the work here. If you say resistance
movement, the reader will fill in that they're resisting the King.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">From their captors <s>inform them that</s> they learn that <s>when
they entered the portal, they passed through “the pathways” and </s><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>coming through the portal <s>developed </s>gave
them abilities<s> <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>that allow them </s>to
wield energy from the space between worlds. </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><s>Out of desperation to</s></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Desperate to reunite and return home, Elenore and Ben accept
separate, yet similar deals. </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">So, you learn you have superpowers. What's the first thing
you want to do?</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">Give them up and go home?</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">Really?</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">Cause if you told me I had superpowers, I'd want to know
what they were, and how I could use them to do fun stuff, like fly (Sharknado!), or eat ice
cream without sacrificing my svelte sharkly silhouette, or get the world to quit
using the phrase safety deposit box (it's safe deposit box, and yes this is a
hill I will die on.)</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">But here you have her using her abilities (still
unspecified) to do something that she doesn't have a stake in. Why would she do
it?</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">When we're puzzled by why a character acts in what seems to
be an illogical or unrealistic way, we're NOT engaged.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You want your readers to engage, to care what
happens to Elenore (and the dog!!!)</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Elenore agrees to use her new abilities to help the king
recapture the <s>same </s>city where Ben is held, and Ben agrees to use his
powers to aid <s>in</s> the<s> movement </s><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>resistance and<s> to</s> dethrone the king who
captured Elenore. </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">These two characters don't seem to have much depth or
personality.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">It's ESSENTIAL that your characters be interesting and right
now they seem lacking in imagination or sense of adventure.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As part of the deal,
Elenore gains a vast understanding of the nature of time, reality, and
mortality from the space between worlds.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">Well, that's nice but what can she DO?</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Despite that
knowledge, she doesn’t realize the danger they are in. </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">Of course not. What's the fun of that.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">VICTORIA, Elenore’s mentor, </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">wait, what?<br />
Who the heck is Victoria?</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">And WHERE is she? As in which side of the portal.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">Introducing a main character this late in the game is
confusing.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">has no idea that she is fated to inadvertently catalyze the
end of the universe, causing it to be wiped from existence layer by layer.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">Ho hum.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">If a character is fated for something they don't have any
choice in the matter.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">The essence of a good story is what choices the characters
face and what path they choose.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Ben’s captor, the leader of the resistance movement against
the king, might be the only one with information on how to prevent the
destruction of the universe and has no intentions of sharing it. Unaware of
their larger role, Elenore and Ben are sure their hardships will come to an end
if they can manage to avoid manipulation and survive long enough to see the
deal through, but it is only a matter of time before Victoria finds a way to
seize power from the king, setting the unraveling of the universe into motion. </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">Ok, who's the antagonist here?</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">You've got (as you did in the first version) too much going
on.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">You don't need as much world building as you think.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">You need to focus on Elenore. She seems to be the main
character.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">What does she want?</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">Make sure what she wants makes sense to us the reader.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">You're in an alien world with superpowers! What would you
want to do?</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">Then give us a sense of the dilemma she faces</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">There must be some sort of conflict or there's no plot.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">You do need more three-dimensional characters and we must have
a better sense of choices and stakes.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><s>The style, tone, and characters of</s> THE CROSSOVER will
appeal to readers of <s>are most comparable to </s>A.K. Larkwood’s The Unspoken
Name <s>meets </s>and Matt Haig’s The Midnight Library. </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">Here's the description of The Unspoken Name</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span class="a-text-bold"></span></p><blockquote><span class="a-text-bold">What if you knew how and when you
will die?</span><br />
<br />
Csorwe does—she will climb the mountain, enter the Shrine of the Unspoken, and
gain the most honored title: sacrifice. <br />
<br />
But on the day of her foretold death, a powerful mage offers her a new fate. Leave
with him, and live. Turn away from her destiny and her god to become a thief, a
spy, an assassin—the wizard's loyal sword. Topple an empire and help him
reclaim his seat of power.<br />
<br />
But Csorwe will soon learn—gods remember, and if you live long enough, all
debts come due.</blockquote><p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">Notice there is almost NO world building.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">There's one sentence of set up.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">The choices the main character faces are clear, as are the
stakes.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">All in fewer than 100 words. </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">This is your goal.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">You have 380 in the query.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">It is intended to be the first installment of a series that
I hope will span 3-5 books. </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">It can stand alone but I envision it as the start of a
series</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">new paragraph for personalization</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">(Insert personalization here).</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">I am querying you because you like kale and I like rabbits
(or whatever.)</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Thank you for your consideration, </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">Focus.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">Pare down the events and increase character development.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">There are a million portal stories in my inbox.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">Show me (don't tell me) how yours is better, faster, more enticing.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">I'd start with the dog.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">That's interesting.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><br /></p><p class="MsoNormal"></p><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg_fSyPS_HJDuYUaEMrm1bNNghDIGJlb9d_jShHHeVmKa0ep006bM9_S2GRW7R7g7k37NbfjPXQ5pu4HJbplrd_rU83uvfjnbje34EJR8EZVPEEeWy3Nfj4vxTeYy0K5DIbjYXvPeneBSRHPzJdZ9q5EqLB3RhTYIs6cZLnENZyYlJt8dLR9GFFcDCuCG8/s640/Her%20Sleekness.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="640" data-original-width="480" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg_fSyPS_HJDuYUaEMrm1bNNghDIGJlb9d_jShHHeVmKa0ep006bM9_S2GRW7R7g7k37NbfjPXQ5pu4HJbplrd_rU83uvfjnbje34EJR8EZVPEEeWy3Nfj4vxTeYy0K5DIbjYXvPeneBSRHPzJdZ9q5EqLB3RhTYIs6cZLnENZyYlJt8dLR9GFFcDCuCG8/s320/Her%20Sleekness.jpg" width="240" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Dogs? DOGS??<br /></td></tr></tbody></table><br /> <p></p><br /><p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p><p class="MsoNormal"> </p><p class="MsoNormal">******</p><p class="MsoNormal">Initial query <br /></p>
<p><style>@font-face
{font-family:"Cambria Math";
panose-1:2 4 5 3 5 4 6 3 2 4;
mso-font-charset:0;
mso-generic-font-family:roman;
mso-font-pitch:variable;
mso-font-signature:-536870145 1107305727 0 0 415 0;}p.MsoNormal, li.MsoNormal, div.MsoNormal
{mso-style-name:"Normal\,Normal query";
mso-style-unhide:no;
mso-style-qformat:yes;
mso-style-parent:"";
margin:0in;
mso-pagination:widow-orphan;
font-size:12.0pt;
font-family:"Times New Roman",serif;
mso-fareast-font-family:"Times New Roman";}span.a-text-bold
{mso-style-name:a-text-bold;
mso-style-unhide:no;}.MsoChpDefault
{mso-style-type:export-only;
mso-default-props:yes;
font-size:11.0pt;
mso-ansi-font-size:11.0pt;
mso-bidi-font-size:10.0pt;
font-family:"Calibri",sans-serif;
mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri;
mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin;
mso-fareast-font-family:Calibri;
mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-latin;
mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri;
mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin;
mso-bidi-font-family:"Courier New";
mso-font-kerning:0pt;
mso-ligatures:none;}div.WordSection1
{page:WordSection1;}</style></p><p class="MsoNormal">Question/Concern:</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I have been submitting queries to agents since May of 2022
and have only received kind rejections so far. I have decided to blame this on
my query letter for now, and so I come to you with my struggle after reading
the archives. I have a complex first installment of a fantasy series in
progress, and it seems impossible to include the necessary information in a
concise manner. I have left many important characters unmentioned, and I have
failed to include the aspect of my plot that involves the protagonist's
impending trek through the infinite layers of an infinite universe in a war of
fate and freewill. In addition to that, I feel that some of the appealing
aspects of my book, like the presence of ghosts and alternate timelines,
alternating chapter perspectives, intricate arcs, and relatable societal
problems can't be included without getting to a 1200 word query letter.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Dear Query Shark,</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> I am writing to seek representation for THE CROSSOVER,
which is a 137,000-word new adult, fantasy fiction novel. </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">For starters, your word count is high. 137K is an auto-pass
for many agents.</span></p><span style="color: #2b00fe;">
</span><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">Your category, new adult, is one that you might see
referenced on Goodreads etc., but isn't
all that useful for queries. New Adult started as a way to categorize books for
readers above the YA age range (that tops out at 18.)</span></p><span style="color: #2b00fe;">
</span><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;"> </span></p><span style="color: #2b00fe;">
</span><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">All too quickly it morphed into porn light. Think 50 Shades
of Grey.</span></p><span style="color: #2b00fe;">
</span><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;"> </span></p><span style="color: #2b00fe;">
</span><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">Now it's trying to make a comeback but in a query you want
to use the most solid description you can. Your book is fantasy. You don't need to say
fiction, cause fantasy is not non-fiction. (Current events not withstanding.)</span></p><span style="color: #2b00fe;">
</span><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;"> </span></p><span style="color: #2b00fe;">
</span><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">And fiction novel is an instant pass for a lot of us. </span></p><span style="color: #2b00fe;">
</span><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;"> </span></p><span style="color: #2b00fe;">
</span><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">So: The Crossover (137,000 words) is fantasy.</span></p><span style="color: #2b00fe;">
</span><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;"> </span></p><span style="color: #2b00fe;">
</span><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">Except when you start with this, it just gives agents
permission to pass without reading another word.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That's why I suggest you put this at the
close of the query, NO MATTER WHAT.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">(Personalize for agent here).</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">Personalization goes below as well. So many writers botch
this up that it's just safer not to lead with it.</span></p><span style="color: #2b00fe;">
</span><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;"> </span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">Comps go at the end too.</span></p><span style="color: #2b00fe;">
</span><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">And you can NOT use Stephen King as a comp. He is in a
category by himself. People read his books just cause he wrote them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You don't have that advantage yet.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">THE CROSSOVER is most comparable to Stephen King’s newest
novel Fairy Tale mixed with Leigh Bardugo’s Shadow and Bone.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">Shadow and Bone was first pubbed in 2013. It's too old to be
an effective comp.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">ELENORE <strike>(23)</strike>, a curiosity-driven student of science, </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">This is not a police blotter, or a newspaper article. Don't
put the ages in parenthesis.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">and BENAIAH <strike>(Ben, 22),</strike> her grumbly companion with a heart of
gold, </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;"><i>heart of gold</i> is a cliche.</span></p><span style="color: #2b00fe;">
</span><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">Agents are looking for things that are fresh and new.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">inadvertently stumble across a portal to another world on
their rental property in Indiana. </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Elenore’s desire to prove their discovery compels them to
enter the <strike>undulating</strike> void despite a <strike>vague, menacing</strike> message found graffitied on
their wall promising death to Ben should they go.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;"> </span></p><span style="color: #2b00fe;">
</span><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">What?</span></p><span style="color: #2b00fe;">
</span><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">What does <i>prove their discovery </i>mean?</span></p><span style="color: #2b00fe;">
</span><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">Also, try this without all the modifiers.<br /></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;"> </span></p><span style="color: #2b00fe;">
</span><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">Elenore’s desire to prove their discovery compels them to
enter the <strike>undulating</strike> void despite a <strike>vague, menacing</strike> message found graffitied on
their wall promising death to Ben should they go.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">A lot easier to understand without all the descriptors.</span></p><span style="color: #2b00fe;">
</span><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;"> </span></p><span style="color: #2b00fe;">
</span><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">Over-modifying is a common flaw in early work.</span></p><span style="color: #2b00fe;">
</span><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">Watch for it, and pluck out everything you don't need.</span></p><span style="color: #2b00fe;">
</span><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">And you don't need anywhere near as much filigree as you
think.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">After entering the portal and becoming separated by the
sword-bearing forces in the Kingdom of Corva, Elenore and Ben are informed that
when they entered the portal, they passed through “the pathways” and developed
abilities. </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">This sentence is 35 words long.</span></p><span style="color: #2b00fe;">
</span><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">That means you've got too much information for your reader to
readily absorb.</span></p><span style="color: #2b00fe;">
</span><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">Short form work like a query usually means you want short
sentences.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Other people have some abilities, but allegedly, none can
wield the pathways like those that walk through time.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">The construction of this sentence seems to convey that <i>pathways walk
through time.</i></span></p><span style="color: #2b00fe;">
</span><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">My guess is that's not what you mean.</span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">An easy fix is just to change out<i> that</i> for <i>who.</i></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;"><br /></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Other people have some abilities, but allegedly, none can
wield the pathways like those<span style="color: #2b00fe;"> who </span>walk through time. </p><p class="MsoNormal"><br /></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">According to the warring rulers, Elenore and Ben are
potentially the most powerful in the kingdom. Out of desperation, Elenore and
Ben accept similar deals by agreeing to help in the conflict that envelopes the
kingdom in exchange for help returning home.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">At this point I'm utterly befuddled.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Unbeknownst to Elenore, Victoria, her mentor and advisor to
the misguided King Gael, has a vicious ambition to seize power. Despite the
knowledge Elenore gains on her journey, she doesn’t realize the danger they are
in. Opal, the scheming, untrustworthy leader of the resistance movement that
captured Ben, is the only one who understands the extent of the danger they are
in, and she intends to use the knowledge to bargain for her life when Elenore
and the king invade the city she holds. Meanwhile, Victoria has no idea
her antagonistic actions will eventually lead to the collapse of the infinite
layers in their cyclical universe. Even worse, Elenore, Ben, a dog, and several
other friends are the only ones that stand a chance of altering fate enough to
prevent it. They must decide between risking their lives for a foreign universe
or living with the guilt of doing nothing to prevent its demise.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">There's so much information here it's impossible to follow.</span></p><span style="color: #2b00fe;">
</span><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;"> </span></p><span style="color: #2b00fe;">
</span><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">In a query you don't need anywhere near this much detail.</span></p><span style="color: #2b00fe;">
</span><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;"> What you need is:<br /></span></p><span style="color: #2b00fe;">
</span><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;"></span></p><blockquote><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">What does the main character want?</span></p><span style="color: #2b00fe;">
</span><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">What's blocking them from getting it?</span></p><span style="color: #2b00fe;">
</span><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">What choices do they face?</span></p><span style="color: #2b00fe;">
</span><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">What's at stake with those choices?</span></p></blockquote><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;"></span></p><span style="color: #2b00fe;">
</span><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;"> </span></p><span style="color: #2b00fe;">
</span><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">That's all you need.</span></p><span style="color: #2b00fe;">
</span><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><strike>I have been writing for as long as I can remember. </strike></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">This may be true. It's not useful to say so in a query.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><strike>The ideas that shaped this novel often surfaced in the
night, causing me to leap out of bed and take notes on a post-it stuck to a
book next to my bed. </strike></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">Also not useful in the query.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><strike>Now, as a 25-year-old high school English teacher with a
Bachelor of Arts in English Education, I finally had the tools to sit down and
finish it. </strike></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">Also not useful</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">The manuscript is complete <strike>and ready for review.</strike></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">I hope so, cause if you're querying an unfinished book, its
an automatic pass.</span></p><span style="color: #2b00fe;">
</span><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">In other words, no need to <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>state the obvious.</span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">And <i>review</i> means something else. You're submitting your ms for consideration. But you still don't need to say so. <br /></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">Agents do not generally care about how long you've loved to
write or your process.</span></p><span style="color: #2b00fe;">
</span><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I truly appreciate
you taking the time to read my query, </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">Don't sound like I'm doing you a favor here.</span></p><span style="color: #2b00fe;">
</span><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">I'm not.</span></p><span style="color: #2b00fe;">
</span><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">I'm reading your query with the idea of becoming extremely
wealthy by the sweat of your brow.</span></p><span style="color: #2b00fe;">
</span><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p><strike>
</strike><p class="MsoNormal"><strike>and I look forward to the possibility of hearing from
you. </strike></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">Yea, my colleagues are notorious for no response means no
which I find highly objectionable.</span></p><span style="color: #2b00fe;">
</span><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">But let's not give them leave to do that by acknowledging
it. Let them sauté in their own shame.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Thank you for your consideration, </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">Unfortunately you've got a novel that has all the aspects of
every other portal fantasy, and nothing that makes it distinctly your own.</span></p><span style="color: #2b00fe;">
</span><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;"> </span></p><span style="color: #2b00fe;">
</span><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">That's the challenge to all writers. Fresh and new doesn't
mean stories we've never seen. It means a different take or a
different approach.</span></p><span style="color: #2b00fe;">
</span><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;"> </span></p><span style="color: #2b00fe;">
</span><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">First Blood is essentially a fresh look at Beowulf.</span></p><span style="color: #2b00fe;">
</span><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">Clueless is a new way to tell the story in Emma.</span></p><span style="color: #2b00fe;">
</span><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;"> </span></p><span style="color: #2b00fe;">
</span><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">Every Jack Reacher novel is a Western, really: A stranger
comes to town, shakes things up, then leaves.<br /></span></p><span style="color: #2b00fe;">
</span><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">A Western with no horses, no six-guns, no cattle rustlers. In other words, a fresh take.</span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;"> <br /></span></p><span style="color: #2b00fe;">
</span><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">So the problem here isn't the query. It's the novel. </span></p><span style="color: #2b00fe;">
</span><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">Time to think about what you can change to put your own
distinct spin on a portal fantasy.</span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;"> Think about what prompted you to write this. What do you want to say that hasn't been said before. <br /></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><br /></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">As for your question: The problem is not lack of detail. It's too much detail. Agents don't expect to know everything about the book from the query. The query is the introduction, a brief taste of the meal that is the book.</span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;"><br /></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">You need to pare down here, but also figure out what makes your book distinctive, and get that on the page.</span><br /></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p><style>@font-face
{font-family:"MS Mincho";
panose-1:2 2 6 9 4 2 5 8 3 4;
mso-font-alt:"MS 明朝";
mso-font-charset:128;
mso-generic-font-family:modern;
mso-font-pitch:fixed;
mso-font-signature:-536870145 1791491579 134217746 0 131231 0;}@font-face
{font-family:"Cambria Math";
panose-1:2 4 5 3 5 4 6 3 2 4;
mso-font-charset:0;
mso-generic-font-family:roman;
mso-font-pitch:variable;
mso-font-signature:3 0 0 0 1 0;}@font-face
{font-family:Calibri;
panose-1:2 15 5 2 2 2 4 3 2 4;
mso-font-charset:0;
mso-generic-font-family:swiss;
mso-font-pitch:variable;
mso-font-signature:-536859905 -1073697537 9 0 511 0;}@font-face
{font-family:"\@MS Mincho";
panose-1:2 2 6 9 4 2 5 8 3 4;
mso-font-charset:128;
mso-generic-font-family:modern;
mso-font-pitch:fixed;
mso-font-signature:-536870145 1791491579 134217746 0 131231 0;}p.MsoNormal, li.MsoNormal, div.MsoNormal
{mso-style-name:"Normal\,Normal query";
mso-style-unhide:no;
mso-style-qformat:yes;
mso-style-parent:"";
margin:0in;
mso-pagination:widow-orphan;
font-size:11.0pt;
mso-bidi-font-size:10.0pt;
font-family:"Calibri",sans-serif;
mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri;
mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin;
mso-fareast-font-family:"MS Mincho";
mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri;
mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin;
mso-bidi-font-family:"Courier New";
mso-fareast-language:EN-AU;}.MsoChpDefault
{mso-style-type:export-only;
mso-default-props:yes;
font-family:"Calibri",sans-serif;
mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri;
mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin;
mso-fareast-font-family:Calibri;
mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-latin;
mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri;
mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin;
mso-bidi-font-family:"Times New Roman";
mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-bidi;}div.WordSection1
{page:WordSection1;}</style></p>Janet Reidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00615380335938685231noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-53039460807295379272022-09-05T15:23:00.000-04:002022-09-05T15:23:23.889-04:00#343
<p class="MsoNormal" style="layout-grid-mode: char;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="layout-grid-mode: char;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">Question: I’m a
former Christian so I approached this work and pantheon with respect, but I
also wanted to express the importance of separating church and state. From my
understanding Christian Fiction has underlying themes/motifs relating to the
faith. Christian Fiction isn’t my goal, I just wanted to bring what I know into
the realm of spellswords and gunslingers. Do I need to state that this is not
explicitly intended for Christians in my query? I don’t want to mislead anyone.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="layout-grid-mode: char;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="layout-grid-mode: char;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">Dear Query Shark, </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="layout-grid-mode: char;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="layout-grid-mode: char;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">Jericho Brightbolt
trudges into the withered husk of a town, weary from scavenging through the
desert wasteland. </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="layout-grid-mode: char;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="layout-grid-mode: char;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">His search for food
and water leads him directly into a demon ambush. The doors burst open around
him and the street floods with the damned.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="layout-grid-mode: char;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="layout-grid-mode: char;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">Jericho unleashes
his astonishing speed as a storm disciple, brandishing his revolver and katana
in a barrage of muzzle flashes and steel. </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="layout-grid-mode: char;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="layout-grid-mode: char;"><span style="color: #2b00fe; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">You've
got about 65 words here to set up the start of the story: Jericho has piqued
the Devil's interest. </span><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="layout-grid-mode: char;"><span style="color: #2b00fe; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">How
much of this do you really need?</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="layout-grid-mode: char;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="layout-grid-mode: char;"><span style="color: #2b00fe; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">This
isn't plot, and it's not character development. It's just set up. You only get
250-300 words in a query. You don't want to use 20-25% of them on set up?</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="layout-grid-mode: char;"><span style="color: #2b00fe; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="layout-grid-mode: char;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">Before the final
demon is vanquished, Jericho discovers he’s piqued the Devil’s interest. </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="layout-grid-mode: char;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="layout-grid-mode: char;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">The Devil needs him
brought to Hell in order to restore the Aether, something dismissed as an
ancient myth.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="layout-grid-mode: char;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="layout-grid-mode: char;"><span style="color: #2b00fe; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">It
will help if we know what the Devil wants here. He wants Jericho to restore the
Aether, got it, but what is Aether and why is Jericho the (only) guy who can restore it? What problem would that solve for him (the Devil)?</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="layout-grid-mode: char;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="layout-grid-mode: char;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">Jericho flees home
to Nazareth in a desperate attempt to hide, a problem in itself. His face is
peppered across the city on wanted posters for crimes he did not commit. </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="layout-grid-mode: char;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="layout-grid-mode: char;"><span style="color: #2b00fe; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">I
assume you chose <i>Nazareth </i>on purpose.</span><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="layout-grid-mode: char;"><span style="color: #2b00fe; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">If
you want to avoid the slings and arrows of outrage, consider using a different
name for the town.</span><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="layout-grid-mode: char;"><span style="color: #2b00fe; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="layout-grid-mode: char;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="layout-grid-mode: char;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">Lo and behold,
Jericho finds his only ally in a mess of her own. Mason Earthbreaker is being
forced out of active duty as a soldier and thrust into arranged marriage for
child-bearing. </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="layout-grid-mode: char;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="layout-grid-mode: char;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">It’s wedlock in two
days, or prison. She has devoted her life to combating the demons since she
lost her brother to possession, and this is the thanks she gets. </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="layout-grid-mode: char;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="layout-grid-mode: char;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">Jericho sneaks in
looking for Mason, and she does her best to shoulder his crisis while wrestling
with exchanging her armor for a wedding ring.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="layout-grid-mode: char;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="layout-grid-mode: char;"><span style="color: #2b00fe; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">I
thought Jericho was already in Nazareth? And we already know Mason's predicament.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="layout-grid-mode: char;"><span style="color: #2b00fe; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">Now
you have him sneaking in, looking for Mason; how does he know about her
predicament?</span><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="layout-grid-mode: char;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="layout-grid-mode: char;"><span style="color: #2b00fe; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">In
short form work like a query, unfolding the story in chronological order goes a
long way to making the query easy to follow.</span><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="layout-grid-mode: char;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="layout-grid-mode: char;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="layout-grid-mode: char;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">When the demons lay
siege to the city in the hunt for Jericho, Mason straps on her cuirass in
defiance and heads to the battlefield, wielding her titanic strength <s>as a
stone disciple. </s></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="layout-grid-mode: char;"><i><span style="color: #2b00fe; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">wielding
her titanic strength as a stone disciple </span></i><span style="color: #2b00fe; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">is
confusing. What is a stone disciple?</span><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="layout-grid-mode: char;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="layout-grid-mode: char;"><span style="color: #2b00fe; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> You
used <i>storm disciple </i>above in reference to Jericho, but right now we
don't know what disciples are. You don't explain it till later in the query.</span><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="layout-grid-mode: char;"><span style="color: #2b00fe; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="layout-grid-mode: char;"><span style="color: #2b00fe; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="layout-grid-mode: char;"><span style="color: #2b00fe; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">You
can just cut the reference here and avoid the need to explain anything.</span><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="layout-grid-mode: char;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="layout-grid-mode: char;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="layout-grid-mode: char;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">Wanted by both
Nazareth and the horde befalling</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="layout-grid-mode: char;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="layout-grid-mode: char;"><i><span style="color: #2b00fe; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">befalling
</span></i><span style="color: #2b00fe; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">is probably the wrong word here. It generally means
something bad about to happen. I think you mean here is closer to <i>besieging. </i></span><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="layout-grid-mode: char;"><i><span style="color: #2b00fe; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span></i><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="layout-grid-mode: char;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> its walls,
Jericho must choose his fate - help Mason shield the very people who will
execute him, or let the demons drag him to Hell for the mysterious Aether. </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="layout-grid-mode: char;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="layout-grid-mode: char;"><span style="color: #2b00fe;"> The stakes here are pretty small: Jericho's
fate.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="layout-grid-mode: char;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="layout-grid-mode: char;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">DISCIPLES - PREY TO
THE DEVIL (124,000 words)</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="layout-grid-mode: char;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="layout-grid-mode: char;"><span style="color: #2b00fe; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">124K
can be an auto-pass even for fantasy. 120K is often cited as the top word
count. </span><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="layout-grid-mode: char;"><span style="color: #2b00fe; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="layout-grid-mode: char;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> is the first
Dark Fantasy in a planned series set ages after the apocalypse. </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="layout-grid-mode: char;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="layout-grid-mode: char;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">This is a nice
place to put the world building, but it will also help if you have themes. What
is the book exploring?</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="layout-grid-mode: char;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="layout-grid-mode: char;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">The few million
humans left have become a superhuman species known as disciples, each born with
one of seven distinct physiologies respective to the archangels. While they
battle the wasteland’s monsters, they must also navigate the ruptured
socioeconomic terrain left in the wake of the archaic belief system that
supports Nazareth’s infrastructure. </span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="layout-grid-mode: char;"><span style="color: #2b00fe;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">I have no idea what <i>navigate the ruptured socioeconomic terrain</i> means.</span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="layout-grid-mode: char;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">Plain writing in a query is essential. This is not some sort of treatise. It's a novel. Your reader should be able to picture what you mean in her mind. </span><br /></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="layout-grid-mode: char;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="layout-grid-mode: char;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="layout-grid-mode: char;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">It’s reminiscent of
GUNMETAL GODS <span style="color: #2b00fe;">by Zamil Akhtar </span></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="layout-grid-mode: char;"><span style="color: #2b00fe; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">This
book is self-published so it's not an effective comp. Comps need to be
published by a trade publisher (small or large.)</span><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="layout-grid-mode: char;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="layout-grid-mode: char;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="layout-grid-mode: char;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">with some MASTER OF
SORROWS <span style="color: #2b00fe;">by Justin Travis Call.</span></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="layout-grid-mode: char;"><span style="color: #2b00fe; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">Always
include the author's name with the title of your comp. Titles aren't subject to
copyright so more than one book can have the same title. </span><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="layout-grid-mode: char;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="layout-grid-mode: char;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">I’m a furnace
operator who works seventy hours a week on third shift, and my wife and I just
welcomed our first child into the world. Between working and spending time with
my son, I plod about like something a necromancer summoned. But don’t worry,
I’ve learned to write <s>during</s> between bouts of microsleep.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="layout-grid-mode: char;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="layout-grid-mode: char;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">Thank you for your
consideration, </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="layout-grid-mode: char;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="layout-grid-mode: char;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #2b00fe;">I don't think you need to worry about this being
mistaken for Christian fiction.<br />
<br />
Christian fiction has very specific tropes, and this query doesn't refer to
any of them.<br />
<br />
And since you call it dark fantasy, an agent reading this will know you intend
it for the secular market.</span></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="layout-grid-mode: char;"><span style="color: #2b00fe; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="layout-grid-mode: char;"><span style="color: #2b00fe; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">But
the larger problem is that I don't see enough story on the page, or reference
to enough story in the summation to support 120K words.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="layout-grid-mode: char;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="layout-grid-mode: char;"><span style="color: #2b00fe; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">Right
now you have one character driving the plot, and the big question is what will
happen to him.</span><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="layout-grid-mode: char;"><span style="color: #2b00fe; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> 120K
words needs a more epic sweep. Not quite Game of Thrones size, but certainly
something like Leviathan Wakes (189K). </span><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="layout-grid-mode: char;"><span style="color: #2b00fe; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="layout-grid-mode: char;"><span style="color: #2b00fe; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">Here's
the description of Leviathan Wakes from the publisher's website:</span><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="layout-grid-mode: char;"><span style="color: #2b00fe; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="layout-grid-mode: char;"><span style="color: #2b00fe; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p><blockquote><span style="color: #2b00fe; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"><span style="color: black;">Humanity
has colonized the solar system—Mars, the Moon, the Asteroid Belt and beyond—but
the stars are still out of our reach.<br /></span>
<span style="color: black;"><br />
Jim Holden is XO of an ice miner making runs from the rings of Saturn to the
mining stations of the Belt. When he and his crew stumble upon a derelict ship,
the<i> Scopuli</i>, they find themselves in possession of a secret they never
wanted. A secret that someone is willing to kill for—and kill on a scale
unfathomable to Jim and his crew. War is brewing in the system unless he can
find out who left the ship and why.<br /></span>
<span style="color: black;"><br />
Detective Miller is looking for a girl. One girl in a system of billions, but
her parents have money and money talks. When the trail leads him to the<i>
Scopuli</i> and rebel sympathizer Holden, he realizes that this girl may be the
key to everything.<br /></span>
<span style="color: black;"><br />
Holden and Miller must thread the needle between the Earth government, the
Outer Planet revolutionaries, and secretive corporations—and the odds are
against them. But out in the Belt, the rules are different, and one small ship
can change the fate of the universe.</span></span></blockquote><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span><p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="layout-grid-mode: char;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="layout-grid-mode: char;"><span style="color: #2b00fe; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> Notice
there are two main characters, and the stakes are much more than personal. It's
a bigger story.</span><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="layout-grid-mode: char;"><span style="color: #2b00fe; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="layout-grid-mode: char;"><span style="color: #2b00fe; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">When
an agent checks the word count in a query, it's not only to see if it's too
long or too short.</span><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="layout-grid-mode: char;"><span style="color: #2b00fe; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">It's
to assess if there's enough story to support a large count, or if there's <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>not enough story in a short word count.</span><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="layout-grid-mode: char;"><span style="color: #2b00fe; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">One
of the biggest problems with high word counts is that it can signal writing
that is repetitive or glacially paced (every moment described.)</span><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="layout-grid-mode: char;"><span style="color: #2b00fe;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span></span></p><span style="color: #2b00fe;">
</span><p class="MsoNormal" style="layout-grid-mode: char;"><span style="color: #2b00fe;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">I'm absolutely
willing to read a taut, tightly paced novel of 127K if there's enough story to
warrant the word count.</span></span></p><span style="color: #2b00fe;">
</span><p class="MsoNormal" style="layout-grid-mode: char;"><span style="color: #2b00fe;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span></span></p><span style="color: #2b00fe;">
</span><p class="MsoNormal" style="layout-grid-mode: char;"><span style="color: #2b00fe;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">So you need more
story in the query, or a ruthless reduction in word count.</span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="layout-grid-mode: char;"><span style="color: #2b00fe;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> Focus on conveying mental images to your reader. Plain writing is VERY difficult. <br /></span></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="layout-grid-mode: char;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="layout-grid-mode: char;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="layout-grid-mode: char;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> </span></p>
<style>@font-face
{font-family:"MS Mincho";
panose-1:2 2 6 9 4 2 5 8 3 4;
mso-font-alt:"MS 明朝";
mso-font-charset:128;
mso-generic-font-family:modern;
mso-font-pitch:fixed;
mso-font-signature:-536870145 1791491579 134217746 0 131231 0;}@font-face
{font-family:"Cambria Math";
panose-1:2 4 5 3 5 4 6 3 2 4;
mso-font-charset:0;
mso-generic-font-family:roman;
mso-font-pitch:variable;
mso-font-signature:3 0 0 0 1 0;}@font-face
{font-family:Calibri;
panose-1:2 15 5 2 2 2 4 3 2 4;
mso-font-charset:0;
mso-generic-font-family:swiss;
mso-font-pitch:variable;
mso-font-signature:-536859905 -1073732485 9 0 511 0;}@font-face
{font-family:"\@MS Mincho";
panose-1:2 2 6 9 4 2 5 8 3 4;
mso-font-charset:128;
mso-generic-font-family:modern;
mso-font-pitch:fixed;
mso-font-signature:-536870145 1791491579 134217746 0 131231 0;}p.MsoNormal, li.MsoNormal, div.MsoNormal
{mso-style-name:"Normal\,Normal query";
mso-style-unhide:no;
mso-style-qformat:yes;
mso-style-parent:"";
margin:0in;
mso-pagination:widow-orphan;
font-size:11.0pt;
mso-bidi-font-size:10.0pt;
font-family:"Calibri",sans-serif;
mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri;
mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin;
mso-fareast-font-family:"MS Mincho";
mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri;
mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin;
mso-bidi-font-family:"Courier New";
mso-fareast-language:EN-AU;}.MsoChpDefault
{mso-style-type:export-only;
mso-default-props:yes;
font-family:"Calibri",sans-serif;
mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri;
mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin;
mso-fareast-font-family:Calibri;
mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-latin;
mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri;
mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin;
mso-bidi-font-family:"Times New Roman";
mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-bidi;}div.WordSection1
{page:WordSection1;}</style>Janet Reidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00615380335938685231noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-74985898002017063792022-07-22T07:52:00.000-04:002022-07-22T07:52:56.121-04:00#342 <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">Question </span>
</p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">After
reading the archives, banging my head on the wall of current comps, this is
what I came up with. My biggest struggle has been the series in my head is one
far reaching arc, with each novel containing its own smaller arc. Trying to
pare that down into something manageable and interest grabbing without tangling
delicate threads that weave and weft has been quite the challenge. I believe in
this story, my question is; did I convince you to pick it up and be transported
too?</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">Not yet, but that's the whole point of QueryShark. Revise till you get
there!</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">Don't pare down the entire story, just focus on the start of the
story.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">Dear
Query Shark, </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">907 A.D.
Britain is suffering birth pains of becoming a united land, divided into
separate kingdoms, barely able to resist Danish assaults. Rhiannon, orphaned
young during a savage incursion by the heathen Northmen was raised by a Viking
warrior plagued by regret. Trained to be one of the best archers in the land,
Rhiannon earns<span style="color: #2b00fe;"> a name, The Northern Flame, </span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"><span style="color: #2b00fe;"> </span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">I suggest adding The Northern Flame here, so that when you use it below, your reader is not confused about who you are talking about. </span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"><span style="color: #2b00fe;"><br /></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">and </span>a vaunted place amongst King Anarawd ap Rhodri’s teulu,
single-minded in her quest to avenge her parents.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> Ok, and?</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">What you need in a query is a sense of where the story is going. That's often shown by telling us what problem the main character faces.<br /></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">Story is not events.</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">Story is NOT set up and background (what you have here).</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">Story starts with <i>what problem does a character face, and what are her choices, and what's at stake.<br /></i></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">How must she change/grow or what must she do to overcome that problem?</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">Rhiannon is a great archer.</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">She wants revenge for the slaughter of her parents.</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">What's the problem?</span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">What are her choices?</span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">What's at stake? <b><br /></b></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">Mercia is
ruled by King Alfred the Great’s daughter; the intrepid Aethelflaed, Lady of
Mercia. </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif;">It took a minute to sort out the who and what here.</span></span><br /><br /></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">Let's revise:</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> The intrepid Aethelflaed,</span> daughter of King Alfred the Great, rules
Mercia.</span></p><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> It's a tad awkward, but it's clear. Revise further as needed.</span>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">She is
threatened <strike>on all sides</strike> by invasion </span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">on all side</span>s: </span><strike>of<span style="color: #2b00fe;"> </span></strike><span style="color: #2b00fe;">—</span>Danes and Norsemen intent on conquering
everything in their path and subjugating her subjects.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><i><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">subjugating her subjects </span></i><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">is really awkward. You'll hear these
things if you read your query aloud. </span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">Revise here for smoothness.</span><br /></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">Hearing
tales of The Northern Flame’s skill, she makes a deal with the Welsh king.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">To<b> do</b> what?</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">Marry him?</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">Kill him?</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">Foist her mean sister off on him?</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">Commander
Wulfric, a man haunted by the past, leads Lady Aethelflaed’s hearth-guard and
is sent to retrieve the infamous archer. Opposed to bringing a foreigner to his
land during these tumultuous times, yet unable to disobey his liege, he
discovers a passionate woman who tests his patience and makes him question his
vows to absolve his family’s name from the shadow of treason that cloaks him
like a death shroud.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">Rhiannon
and Wulfric must find a way to trust each other before the Viking warlord,
Ingimundr, lays siege to the burgh of Chester, annihilating the dream of a
united country. They try and fail to resist their explosive passion while
struggling to keep their sworn oaths of vengeance.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">What makes this hard to read and absorb is you've got too much going on. For starters,
you've got too many characters:</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">Rhiannon </span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">King Anarawd </span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">King Alfred the Great</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">Aethelflaed </span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">Commander Wulfric</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">Ingimundr</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">Six named characters is three too many.</span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">See below for notes on how to focus the query, but also get a sense of the series. </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">THE
NORTHERN FLAME (122,000 words) is historical fiction that will appeal to
fans of early medieval history like The Last Kingdom, by Bernard Cornwell </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">Was first published in 2006 so it's not an effective comp.</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">Effective comps are recent; pubbed in 2019 or later.</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">as well
as sweeping historical romances such as</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> Outlander,
by Diana Gabaldon</span>
</p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">First published in 1991, same problem</span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> along
with strong female protagonists as in The Warrior Maiden, by Melanie
Dickerson. </span></p><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">Pubbed in 2019, so that's ok, BUT take a look at the publisher: Thomas
Nelson. Thomas Nelson publishes Christian fiction. Unless your novel is also
Christian fiction (which I don't get the sense it is) you don't want to use
this as a comp.</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">Your comps should be in the same category as your book. Christian
fiction is a separate category.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">THE
NORTHERN FLAME can stand alone but I envision it as the start of a series.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">Here's where you develop the series idea:</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">From above </span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><i><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">Set in 907 A.D. Britain is suffering birth pains of becoming a united
land, divided into separate kingdoms, barely able to resist Danish assaults.</span></i><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">develop this further of course.</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">New paragraph for bio.</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">I am a
debut author, wife, stay-at-home mother working on my history degree, and wear
so many hats I resemble the dog from Go Dog, Go! </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">this is a terrific line. It gives your reader a sense of your wit.</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">New paragraph for pub credits.</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">My
non-fiction essay, (Amazing) <strike>has been</strike> <span style="color: #2b00fe;">was </span>published in the literary magazine
(Woohoo!) <strike>winning </strike><span style="color: #2b00fe;">and won <span style="color: black;">2</span></span><sup>nd</sup> place for best prose.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">Thank you
for your time and consideration,</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">As for getting the whole of the story line into the query, you can't.</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">What you can do though is give us the start of the story, and then
sketch out the larger picture.</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"><br />
<br />
Using Game of Thrones as an example (cause almost everyone has read/seen it),
Ned Stark has discovered the King is not the father of his children. When the
King dies Ned is faced with the choice of staying silent while an illegitimate
son ascends the throne, or going public and risking not just his life but those
of his family. <br />
<br />
That's the individual problem. <br />
<br />
The thematic problem is who is entitled to rule. <br />
<br />
You can get that on the page with <i>meanwhile,</i> or <i>what he doesn't know.
</i><br />
<br />
Example: <br />
<br />
Meanwhile, each of seven power hungry families is plotting to take the iron
throne. <br />
<br />
What none of them know is a pawn has just become a queen. And she has dragons.</span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">We need plot and drama on the page to compel your reader to want more. </span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">Revise and resubmit.</span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> <br /></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p><style>@font-face
{font-family:"MS Mincho";
panose-1:2 2 6 9 4 2 5 8 3 4;
mso-font-alt:"MS 明朝";
mso-font-charset:128;
mso-generic-font-family:modern;
mso-font-pitch:fixed;
mso-font-signature:-536870145 1791491579 134217746 0 131231 0;}@font-face
{font-family:"Cambria Math";
panose-1:2 4 5 3 5 4 6 3 2 4;
mso-font-charset:0;
mso-generic-font-family:roman;
mso-font-pitch:variable;
mso-font-signature:3 0 0 0 1 0;}@font-face
{font-family:Calibri;
panose-1:2 15 5 2 2 2 4 3 2 4;
mso-font-charset:0;
mso-generic-font-family:swiss;
mso-font-pitch:variable;
mso-font-signature:-536859905 -1073732485 9 0 511 0;}@font-face
{font-family:"\@MS Mincho";
panose-1:2 2 6 9 4 2 5 8 3 4;
mso-font-charset:128;
mso-generic-font-family:modern;
mso-font-pitch:fixed;
mso-font-signature:-536870145 1791491579 134217746 0 131231 0;}p.MsoNormal, li.MsoNormal, div.MsoNormal
{mso-style-name:"Normal\,Normal query";
mso-style-unhide:no;
mso-style-qformat:yes;
mso-style-parent:"";
margin:0in;
mso-pagination:widow-orphan;
font-size:11.0pt;
mso-bidi-font-size:10.0pt;
font-family:"Calibri",sans-serif;
mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri;
mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin;
mso-fareast-font-family:"MS Mincho";
mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri;
mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin;
mso-bidi-font-family:"Courier New";
mso-fareast-language:EN-AU;}.MsoChpDefault
{mso-style-type:export-only;
mso-default-props:yes;
font-family:"Calibri",sans-serif;
mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri;
mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin;
mso-fareast-font-family:Calibri;
mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-latin;
mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri;
mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin;
mso-bidi-font-family:"Times New Roman";
mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-bidi;}div.WordSection1
{page:WordSection1;}</style></p>Janet Reidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00615380335938685231noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-61963023976961362392022-07-16T03:13:00.001-04:002022-07-16T03:13:55.352-04:00Newsletter subscription update<p> I have to change platforms for the newsletter.</p><p>Mailchimp cuts off free use at 2000 subscribers and there were (a lot!) more of you than that.</p><p><br /></p><p>I've switched to TinyLetter, but they ask that instead of just importing names, people subscribe.</p><p>It prevents a lot of bounce backs from stale addresses.</p><p><br /></p><p>So, if you want to get the newsletter (and of course the reason this is happening is there's one in the works) <a href="https://tinyletter.com/QueryShark">just click here to resubscribe.</a></p><p><br /></p><p>If you don't, no worries.<br /></p>Janet Reidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00615380335938685231noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-91498703552263538692022-06-26T12:00:00.006-04:002022-06-26T12:00:00.200-04:00#341<p><br /></p><p class="MsoNormal">Dear Query Shark</p><p class="MsoNormal">The minute Elizabeth stepped off the train in Richmond, VA
in 1860, she wanted to leave. After four years in Pennsylvania with Quaker
relatives, she despises her new life in slave power high society. </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">I don't know what <i>slave power high society</i> means.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Her once close but now distant mother doesn’t help, setting
her up to marry a buffoon while refusing to acknowledge her family’s
abolitionist ways. </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">I'm VERY confused here. Mum is distant, ok, but she's still
in the family, no?</span></p><span style="color: #2b00fe;">
</span><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">So who are the abolitionists?</span></p><span style="color: #2b00fe;">
</span><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;"> </span></p><span style="color: #2b00fe;">
</span><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">And what are <i>abolitionist ways</i>?</span></p><span style="color: #2b00fe;">
</span><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;"><i>Ways</i> means actions.</span></p><span style="color: #2b00fe;">
</span><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">What is the family doing?</span></p><span style="color: #2b00fe;">
</span><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">Or do you mean political opinions?</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">War breaks out after her mother’s sudden passing, </p><p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">The grammar here makes it sound like Mum's death caused the
war. </span></p><span style="color: #2b00fe;">
</span><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">I'm fairly certain that's not the case.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">leaving Elizabeth to manage the household and farm, while
deciding how to both hide and fight for her beliefs. </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">We don't know what Elizabeth's beliefs are. That should be explicit here.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">Why isn't doing nothing an option?</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Elizabeth first visits Union prisoners, baking them goods
and bribing the guards for medicine. But when she houses a Confederate captain
to save her image, </p><p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">Her image? It makes it sound as though this is some sort of
flitter gibbet thing.</span></p><span style="color: #2b00fe;">
</span><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">My guess is that social pressure is pretty intense in the
capitol of the Confederacy.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">she learns the weaknesses of the prison system, and plans
escape routes, hiding Union soldiers in her secret attic and sending them back
to the North through safe houses.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Her network grows as the War worsens. She plants a spy in
the Confederate White House, sends daily intelligence to generals hidden in
empty eggshells or encrypted with secret codes, and sends her brother to a safe
house to avoid conscription. But her neighbors suspect her sympathizing ways
and send ruthless detectives, the same detective who hanged and imprisoned
other members of her network. Can she survive the war and bring the Union to
victory?</p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;"> </span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;"> </span></p><span style="color: #2b00fe;">
</span><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">Well, she's not going to bring the Union to victory. The
Union Army backed by the industrial strength of the northern states is going to
do that.</span></p><span style="color: #2b00fe;">
</span><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">Your sentence structure is again saying something I'm pretty
certain you don't intend.</span></p><span style="color: #2b00fe;">
</span><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">This is a huge red flag in a<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>query. No matter how interested I am in the topic, this is the kind of thing
that earns a pass. </span></p><span style="color: #2b00fe;">
</span><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Miss Van Lew, my
170,000 word historical fiction novel, </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">170K is almost certainly an instant pass from most agents.</span></p><span style="color: #2b00fe;">
</span><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">Historical fiction does run long, but not this long.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">fictionalizes the true story of Civil War spy Elizabeth Van
Lew, giving voice to an unknown heroine. </p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">She's hardly unknown.</span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">There are quite a few books about her. One thing your query will need
to do, even though you're querying a novel, is tell the reader what you're
bringing to the table that is fresh and new.</span></p><p class="MsoNormal"> </p><p class="MsoNormal"> </p><p class="MsoNormal">Thank you for your time and
consideration. </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">What you have is a series of events.</span></p><span style="color: #2b00fe;">
</span><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">That's not plot.</span></p><span style="color: #2b00fe;">
</span><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">Plot is choices and stakes.</span></p><span style="color: #2b00fe;">
</span><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;"> </span></p><span style="color: #2b00fe;">
</span><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">Elizabeth Van Lew comes home to Richmond in 1860.</span></p><span style="color: #2b00fe;">
</span><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">What problem does that create for her?</span></p><span style="color: #2b00fe;">
</span><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">What are her choices to solve it?</span></p><span style="color: #2b00fe;">
</span><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;"> </span></p><span style="color: #2b00fe;">
</span><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">If she's an abolitionist, what are her choices?</span></p><span style="color: #2b00fe;">
</span><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">What's at stake with those choices?</span></p><span style="color: #2b00fe;">
</span><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;"> </span></p><span style="color: #2b00fe;">
</span><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;"><br /></span></p><span style="color: #2b00fe;">
</span><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;"> </span></p><span style="color: #2b00fe;">
</span><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">But the word count means you're DOA no matter what.</span></p><span style="color: #2b00fe;">
</span><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">That's the first thing to revise.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p><style>@font-face
{font-family:"MS Mincho";
panose-1:2 2 6 9 4 2 5 8 3 4;
mso-font-alt:"MS 明朝";
mso-font-charset:128;
mso-generic-font-family:modern;
mso-font-pitch:fixed;
mso-font-signature:-536870145 1791491579 134217746 0 131231 0;}@font-face
{font-family:"Cambria Math";
panose-1:2 4 5 3 5 4 6 3 2 4;
mso-font-charset:0;
mso-generic-font-family:roman;
mso-font-pitch:variable;
mso-font-signature:3 0 0 0 1 0;}@font-face
{font-family:Calibri;
panose-1:2 15 5 2 2 2 4 3 2 4;
mso-font-charset:0;
mso-generic-font-family:swiss;
mso-font-pitch:variable;
mso-font-signature:-469750017 -1073732485 9 0 511 0;}@font-face
{font-family:"\@MS Mincho";
panose-1:2 2 6 9 4 2 5 8 3 4;
mso-font-charset:128;
mso-generic-font-family:modern;
mso-font-pitch:fixed;
mso-font-signature:-536870145 1791491579 134217746 0 131231 0;}p.MsoNormal, li.MsoNormal, div.MsoNormal
{mso-style-name:"Normal\,Normal query";
mso-style-unhide:no;
mso-style-qformat:yes;
mso-style-parent:"";
margin:0in;
mso-pagination:widow-orphan;
font-size:11.0pt;
mso-bidi-font-size:10.0pt;
font-family:"Calibri",sans-serif;
mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri;
mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin;
mso-fareast-font-family:"MS Mincho";
mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri;
mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin;
mso-bidi-font-family:"Courier New";
mso-fareast-language:EN-AU;}.MsoChpDefault
{mso-style-type:export-only;
mso-default-props:yes;
font-family:"Calibri",sans-serif;
mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri;
mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin;
mso-fareast-font-family:Calibri;
mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-latin;
mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri;
mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin;
mso-bidi-font-family:"Times New Roman";
mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-bidi;}div.WordSection1
{page:WordSection1;}</style></p>Janet Reidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00615380335938685231noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-52300726826622323952022-05-29T12:00:00.125-04:002022-05-29T12:00:00.199-04:00#340
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"><br />
<br />
<br />
Dear Query Shark, <br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Come with me to Crustacean University and join this year’s class of mismatched
Pollywogs! Watch through this world of science imagination as Adrian keeps
finding strange artifacts and accidentally turns Allison’s hair purple, Alex
skyrockets his watershed board to the sky, some of the group gets lost in a
cave of crystals and Simon falls into a stinky mess. All of this while there is
a Dead-Zone outbreak! </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="color: black; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span><span style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">I
wouldn't have known what category this book was by reading the first paragraph.
If I'm confused I generally pass. Most agents get so many queries they
don't/won't/can't spend time trying to figure out what you're pitching.</span><span style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span><span style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">You
want to avoid that.</span><span style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span><span style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">The
way to avoid that is starting with the name of the main character and what
problem has befallen them. </span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span><span style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">If
you think the way to avoid this is to put the category in the subject line,
you're half right. If you said this was middle grade educational fiction in the
subject line, I would have passed then.</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span><span style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">Educational
books are not trade books. They're acquired and sold much differently.</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span><span style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">But
this really isn't an educational book; it's a collection of stories (you say so
below.)</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span><span style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"><br />
Join the Pollywogs as they make their way through a series of adventures,
blunders, and classroom lab activities as they learn the principles and
concepts of ocean literacy. While learning about the ocean environment these
new Pollywogs will dodge the Evil Dr. Debris, a giant squid, and toothy sharks!
It will surely be a challenging year for these new ocean explorers as they
encounter these and many other dangers along the way. While all of this is
happening, the Pollywogs find clues to an ancient island puzzle saving
Crustacean Island! Learning important life lessons as they go fishing with
their minds, finding answers to their curious Crustacean questions in their
first set of adventures.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">There's
no story here.</span><span style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span><span style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">Middle
grade books are story-driven.</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span><span style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">If
there's educational aspect, it should not the focus of the query or the book.</span><span style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><i><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">You
should read this book cause you'll learn something </span></i><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">is the kiss of death in a sales pitch —and not just for kids books.</span><span style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"><br />
<br />
The Pollywog Tails</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">Puns
in the title can be a database nightmare.</span><span style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">Don't
outsmart yourself here. </span><span style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"><br />
is a collection of watery modern adventures that is reminiscent of <i>20,000
Leagues Under the Sea,</i></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><i><span style="color: black; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span></i><span style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">which
was first published in 1869. Using it as a reference point misses the point of
comps. You need current books.</span><span style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span><span style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">It's
also adult science fiction, and that's not what you're describing here (as far
as I can tell.)</span><span style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"><br />
with a touch of <i>The Magic School Bus</i> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">1986.
Same problem.</span><span style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><i><span style="color: black; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span></i><span style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><i><span style="color: black; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span></i><span style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"><br />
woven throughout along with a kick of Kratts creatures.</span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">I
had to google this one, but again 1996 is before your target readers were born.</span><span style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">Effective
comps share the specs of your book: what shelf it goes on in the bookstore,
target audience, thematic elements. They're also recent, pubbed no earlier than
2018 and 2019 is better.</span><span style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> Crustacean
University is led by Dean Crusty, a tough ole’ crab, Scud his amphipod
assistant along with the Professors that teach at Crustacean University. And
don’t forget the Island’s resident Researcher’s,</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span><span style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">it's
plural, not possessive. Researchers. No apostrophe.</span><span style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">Yes,
I notice that kind of things.</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span><span style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">Sure
typos happen but that's why you run this by Miss Picklepuss, the copy editor
whose idea of a wild night is splitting infinitives after a brewsky or two.</span><span style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"><br />
Scuba Scooter and Surfer Joe, together with Molly who keeps track of everyone
and everything. </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="color: black; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span><span style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">Middle
grade books need a middle grade protagonist.</span><span style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">They're
often written in first person as well.</span><span style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">They
need a plot: what dilemma does the main character face? </span><span style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="color: black; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span><span style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">The Pollywog
Tails, Ancient Secretes and the Mysterious Dead Zones is a mid-grade
Educational Fiction Short Story series, where S.T.E.M/S.T.E.A.M concepts meet
ocean literacy and is the first Pollywog installment of a planned series of
five short-story themed volume sets that are based at Crustacean University.
This first introductory set of adventurous tails reads in at 5 volumes varying
between 14,00-40,000 words each volume.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="color: black; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span><span style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">I'm
not sure you would know this but a series of books needs to have books that are
roughly the same length. 40K is 3x as long as 14K.</span><span style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span><span style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">And
you query ONE book, ONE story at a time. </span><span style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="color: black; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span><span style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"><br />
With the need for the understanding of ocean sciences and a basic introduction
to S.T.E.M./S.T.E.A.M concepts, and nothing recent on the shelves </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="color: black; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span><span style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">When
a writer tells me there's nothing recent on the shelves, I ALWAYS go look for
myself. </span><span style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span><span style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">Here's
a list of 15, and just about sharks.</span><span style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">https://bookriot.com/shark-books-for-kids/</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span><span style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">About
half of these are current enough to count as recent. </span><span style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span><span style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">This
is where I'd stop reading the query. </span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">A lot of this is fixable, but not knowing
your category is a deal breaker. It means you don't know what's fresh and new
cause you don't know what's been done before</span><span style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span><span style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"><br />
I have created Crustacean University—a magical campus where readers are
introduced to these principles and ideas through creative storytelling. </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="color: black; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span><span style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">You
can't set a middle grade book at a university.</span><span style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">Middle
grade kids want to read about kids like them, and that means middle school.</span><span style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span><span style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"><br />
<br />
<br />
I have always had the ocean close to my heart, both as a child and as a sailor
in the U.S. Navy. As an avid saltwater aquarist, I have written and published
articles for the local aquarium societies and have made online contributions to
Reef2Reef website as well. Thank you for taking an interest in the entertaining
Pollywog Tails. <br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Enjoy!</span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">You're
not a server at Applebee's.</span><span style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">This
is a business letter.</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span><span style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">Close
with <i>Thank you for your time and consideration</i> or something similar.</span><span style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">The
closing isn't a deal breaker of course, but it's like shining your shoes for a
job interview. You want to convey a business like demeanor.</span><span style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span><span style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span><span style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">I'm
not sure how much current middle grade you've read.</span><span style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">I
usually say you need to have read 100 books in your category before you should
write a book, let alone query one.</span><span style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span><span style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">That
standard seems applicable here.</span><span style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span><span style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">Middle
grade needs a middle grade main character.</span><span style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">There
needs to be ONE story per query.</span><span style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span><span style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">That
you envision this as a series is mentioned in the housekeeping section. </span><span style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span><span style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span><span style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">Read
more. A lot more.</span><span style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">Revise
to tell us one story.</span><span style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">Resend.
</span><span style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span><span style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span></p><style>@font-face
{font-family:Helvetica;
panose-1:0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0;
mso-font-charset:0;
mso-generic-font-family:auto;
mso-font-pitch:variable;
mso-font-signature:-536870145 1342208091 0 0 415 0;}@font-face
{font-family:"MS Mincho";
panose-1:2 2 6 9 4 2 5 8 3 4;
mso-font-alt:"MS 明朝";
mso-font-charset:128;
mso-generic-font-family:modern;
mso-font-pitch:fixed;
mso-font-signature:-536870145 1791491579 134217746 0 131231 0;}@font-face
{font-family:"Cambria Math";
panose-1:2 4 5 3 5 4 6 3 2 4;
mso-font-charset:0;
mso-generic-font-family:roman;
mso-font-pitch:variable;
mso-font-signature:-536870145 1107305727 0 0 415 0;}@font-face
{font-family:Calibri;
panose-1:2 15 5 2 2 2 4 3 2 4;
mso-font-charset:0;
mso-generic-font-family:swiss;
mso-font-pitch:variable;
mso-font-signature:-536859905 -1073732485 9 0 511 0;}@font-face
{font-family:"\@MS Mincho";
panose-1:2 2 6 9 4 2 5 8 3 4;
mso-font-charset:128;
mso-generic-font-family:modern;
mso-font-pitch:fixed;
mso-font-signature:-536870145 1791491579 134217746 0 131231 0;}p.MsoNormal, li.MsoNormal, div.MsoNormal
{mso-style-name:"Normal\,Normal query";
mso-style-unhide:no;
mso-style-qformat:yes;
mso-style-parent:"";
margin:0in;
mso-pagination:widow-orphan;
font-size:11.0pt;
mso-bidi-font-size:10.0pt;
font-family:"Calibri",sans-serif;
mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri;
mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin;
mso-fareast-font-family:"MS Mincho";
mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri;
mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin;
mso-bidi-font-family:"Courier New";
mso-fareast-language:EN-AU;}.MsoChpDefault
{mso-style-type:export-only;
mso-default-props:yes;
font-family:"Calibri",sans-serif;
mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri;
mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin;
mso-fareast-font-family:Calibri;
mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-latin;
mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri;
mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin;
mso-bidi-font-family:"Times New Roman";
mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-bidi;}div.WordSection1
{page:WordSection1;}</style>Janet Reidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00615380335938685231noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-45221001455439519242021-12-13T07:00:00.030-05:002022-05-27T17:11:38.486-04:00#339 Revision #1<p><span style="color: #2b00fe;"> REVISION #1</span><br /></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Question: When comping a series, does the 3-year rule apply
to the most recent installment or to the first?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>What if the series hasn't been concluded yet? </p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">You want to use comps that are as close to the specs of your book as you can. That means using the first book of any series because yours is the first book in your series. And you want that first book to have been pubbed recently, no earlier than 2018 and 2019 is better.</span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">If you're banging your head against the wall on a comp search, you're doing it right. </span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;"> </span><br /></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><br /></p><p class="MsoNormal">Dear Query Shark,</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">Three years ago, </span>Aman <strike>once</strike> had an entire barn full of horses he loved.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Unfortunately for them, the Düzen were
desperate for food.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><strike>Three years ago, </strike>Düzen soldiers invaded Aman's village,
slaughtering the animals he had been entrusted with.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span> </p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">Let's put this sentence about the Düzen soldiers in the first paragraph, then start the next paragraph where there's a shift in time.</span></p><p class="MsoNormal"> </p><p class="MsoNormal">Thus:</p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">Three years ago, </span>Aman <strike>once</strike> had an entire barn full of horses he loved.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Unfortunately for them, the Düzen were
desperate for food. Düzen soldiers invaded Aman's village,
slaughtering the animals he had been entrusted with.</p><p class="MsoNormal"> </p><p class="MsoNormal"> <br /></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;"> New paragraph here for shift in time.</span><br /></p><p class="MsoNormal">Now in his early twenties, Aman serves in the
Corthiaks' heavy cavalry, hiding his guilt, grief, and self-loathing from his
fellow soldiers.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>His only source of
hope, the one horse he has left, is old and inexperienced with combat—far from
an ideal war horse.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span> </p><p class="MsoNormal"> </p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">I stumbled over <i>source of hope</i> here because we don't have any sense of what Aman wants. You've described how he is now, but not what he wants. </span><br /></p><p class="MsoNormal"> </p><p class="MsoNormal">Surrounded by
hardened warriors and their younger, better-trained steeds, (some of whom
aren't even horses,) Aman can't help but wonder if he or his horse really
belong here.</p><p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">I am intrigued by a cavalry that doesn't have horses, that's a nice detail to include. </span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;"> </span><br /></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">The Düzen have a new king, named Karib, and he wants peace
with the Corthiaks.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span> </p><p class="MsoNormal"> </p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">And here is where I lose the thread of the plot. </span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;"> </span><br /></p><p class="MsoNormal">Aman is sent to
recount the story of his village to Karib, but he didn't take his last horse
into war so that he could forgive the Düzen.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></p><p class="MsoNormal">After all, Karib believes that animal welfare means nothing in times of
human suffering.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He and his soldiers
would kill this horse in a heartbeat, along with anything else that isn't
human.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></p><p><span style="color: #2b00fe;"> Well, the Düzen should all burn in hell of course BUT you've set them up here. In the first paragraph, they slaughtered horses for food. Understandable but yucky. But here they are simply equicidal maniacs and that's a whole different bucket of entrails.</span></p><p><span style="color: #2b00fe;">If Karib wants peace, what's standing in his way? What does Aman need to do?</span><br />
</p><p><br />
</p><p class="MsoNormal">Whether from a negotiator's seat or a war saddle, Aman must
show Karib that animals are worth more than their weight on a butcher's
scale.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">or what? The or what is what's at stake, and that's what you need here. </span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><span style="color: #2b00fe;"> </span><br /></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>One will have him face difficult
questions about the value of animal life and the ethics of eating meat, but the
other will pit him against hordes of infantry that outnumber the Corthiaks
forty to one, volleys of arrows that darken the skies, and rideable, venomous,
twenty-foot carnivorous lizards.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span> </p><p class="MsoNormal"> </p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">This sentence is 49 words long. That means it's got too much information in it for your reader to absorb easily. Let's cut it down to two or three shorter sentences for easier understanding. </span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;"> </span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>One will have him face difficult
questions about the value of animal life and the ethics of eating meat<span style="color: #2b00fe;">.</span></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">One what? It's not clear who/what you mean. </span></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;"> </span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;"> Nothing is more off-putting in an otherwise good
query than the idea the book is some message driven polemic. No one
reads novels to hear about the ethics of eating meat. They read novels
for the story.</span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;"> </span></p><span style="color: #2b00fe;">If you want themes about the ethics of eating meat in the novel, that's up to you, but here in the query focus on the story.</span><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: #2b00fe;"> </span></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;"><span style="color: black;"><strike>but </strike><span style="color: #2b00fe;">T</span>he
other will pit him against hordes of infantry that outnumber the Corthiaks
forty to one, volleys of arrows that darken the skies, and rideable, venomous,
twenty-foot carnivorous lizards.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span> </span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;"><span style="color: black;"> </span> <br /></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">This is an odd choice in that they don't seem to be alternatives. You can philosophize about eating meat while you battle lizards. There doesn't seem to be an either/or here, and that's what you need. </span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;"> </span><br /></p><p class="MsoNormal">Either
way, he cannot hope to succeed without his fellow cavalrymen, and the horse who
has carried him all this way.</p><br /><p class="MsoNormal">CURSORIAL is an 82,000-word work of adult fantasy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> <span style="color: #2b00fe;">You can add here:<i> It explores themes of the ethics of eating plants etc.</i></span><i> </i></span><i> </i></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">You can mention themes here (rather than above). I know I've said in earlier QS posts that you don't need them, and you don't BUT it can help elevate the query beyond plot points and characters. </span><br /></p><p class="MsoNormal"> </p><p class="MsoNormal">It will appeal to fans of The Masquerade <strike>(</strike>by
Seth Dickinson<strike>)</strike> </p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">When you list comps in a query, the first thing I do is look at the books on Amazon. <i>The Masquerade </i>appears to be the name of the series, not the first book. And the first book, <i>The Traitor Baru Cormorant</i>, was pubbed in 2016. You need to use titles of books, not series. Sales figures are by book, and that's what we look at. And of course, the book is too old to be an effective comp. <br /></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;"> But the description of the book is utterly compelling. </span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span></span></p><blockquote>Tomorrow, on the beach, Baru Cormorant will look up and see red sails on the horizon.<br /><br />The
Empire of Masks is coming, armed with coin and ink, doctrine and
compass, soap and lies. They will conquer Baru’s island, rewrite her
culture, criminalize her customs, and dispose of one of her fathers. But
Baru is patient. She'll swallow her hate, join the Masquerade, and claw
her way high enough up the rungs of power to set her people free.<br /><br />To
test her loyalty, the Masquerade will send Baru to bring order to
distant Aurdwynn, a snakepit of rebels, informants, and seditious dukes.
But Baru is a savant in games of power, as ruthless in her tactics as
she is fixated on her goals. In the calculus of her schemes, all ledgers
must be balanced, and the price of liberation paid in full.</blockquote><p></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;"> If I saw that in a query I'd fall all over myself to request the full.</span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">The closer you can come to this vivid writing, the better.</span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;"> </span><br /></p><p class="MsoNormal">and The Unbroken <strike>(</strike>by C. L. Clark<strike>)</strike>.</p><p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;"> Don't put parentheses around the author's names.</span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">I've seen a lot of that recently. There's probably some query advice that says to do so, but don't. </span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;"> </span><br /></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I'm an equestrian, and an absolute geek for natural history,
paleontology, medieval warfare, power metal music, and the color green. <span style="color: #2b00fe;">This is a terrific bio. It's the most vivid thing in the query. That tells me you're holding back in the query, maybe trying to be all serious and business like. Businesslike does not mean flat. Vivify!</span> <br /></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Thank you for your time and consideration.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;"> I don't have a sense of the plot there that would compel me to request a full.</span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">What does Aman want?</span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">What does Karib want?</span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">What's getting in the way of each of them getting it?</span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">What choices do they face? What sacrifices will be required?</span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;"> </span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">Don't get lost in the weeds with lizards and vegans.</span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">Focus on the plot. </span><br /></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p><style>@font-face
{font-family:"MS Mincho";
panose-1:2 2 6 9 4 2 5 8 3 4;
mso-font-alt:"MS 明朝";
mso-font-charset:128;
mso-generic-font-family:modern;
mso-font-pitch:fixed;
mso-font-signature:-536870145 1791491579 134217746 0 131231 0;}@font-face
{font-family:"Cambria Math";
panose-1:2 4 5 3 5 4 6 3 2 4;
mso-font-charset:0;
mso-generic-font-family:roman;
mso-font-pitch:variable;
mso-font-signature:3 0 0 0 1 0;}@font-face
{font-family:Calibri;
panose-1:2 15 5 2 2 2 4 3 2 4;
mso-font-charset:0;
mso-generic-font-family:swiss;
mso-font-pitch:variable;
mso-font-signature:-536859905 -1073732485 9 0 511 0;}@font-face
{font-family:"\@MS Mincho";
panose-1:2 2 6 9 4 2 5 8 3 4;
mso-font-charset:128;
mso-generic-font-family:modern;
mso-font-pitch:fixed;
mso-font-signature:-536870145 1791491579 134217746 0 131231 0;}p.MsoNormal, li.MsoNormal, div.MsoNormal
{mso-style-name:"Normal\,Normal query";
mso-style-unhide:no;
mso-style-qformat:yes;
mso-style-parent:"";
margin:0in;
mso-pagination:widow-orphan;
font-size:11.0pt;
mso-bidi-font-size:10.0pt;
font-family:"Calibri",sans-serif;
mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri;
mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin;
mso-fareast-font-family:"MS Mincho";
mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri;
mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin;
mso-bidi-font-family:"Courier New";
mso-fareast-language:EN-AU;}.MsoChpDefault
{mso-style-type:export-only;
mso-default-props:yes;
font-family:"Calibri",sans-serif;
mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri;
mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin;
mso-fareast-font-family:Calibri;
mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-latin;
mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri;
mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin;
mso-bidi-font-family:"Times New Roman";
mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-bidi;}div.WordSection1
{page:WordSection1;}</style></p><p> </p><p style="text-align: center;"> ******</p><p>Original query
</p><blockquote><p>
</p><br />Question: I realize my comp titles are rather old, but I find them to be the best representatives of the emotional tone of this story. I've literally had beta readers tell me that they can't think of comp titles, so I went with my gut on this one. Is it a dealbreaker that the most recent comp title is almost 20 years old now?</blockquote><span style="color: #2b00fe;"><br />Yes. <br /><br />Comp titles need to be recent, no more than three years old (no earlier than 2018). <br /><br />It's not up to your beta readers to find them (nice try). This is your job.</span><br /><br />Dear Query Shark, <br /><br />Aman once had an entire barn full of horses he loved. Today, only one of them is still alive. <br /><br />Aman and his horse, Arty, barely survived when<span style="color: #2b00fe;"> the</span> Sacramouth <span style="color: #2b00fe;">army</span> invaded their village and slaughtered everything in sight. <br /><br /><span style="color: #2b00fe;">I thought Sacramouth was a person. Turns out, later in the query, it's a country. To avoid that misapprehension you might add <i>the army. </i></span><br /><br />Three years have since passed, and Aman and Arty now serve in Aerdoth's heavy cavalry together, seeking vengeance against the people who took everything from them. <br /><br /> <span style="color: #2b00fe;">You need to tell us what problem Aman faces. You have to get plot on the page here.<br /><br /></span><br />To Aman's dismay, the King of Sacramouth agrees to host a series of peace talks with Aerdoth. Aman is sent as an ambassador to recount his story to the King, but refuses to forgive him for what his country did. However, as the peace talks begin, the King proves to be more persuasive than even Aman could have foreseen.<br /><br /><span style="color: #2b00fe;">Persuasive about what? The last thing you want to do in a query is be coy! <br /> </span><br />The threat of war looms throughout the negotiations, and Aman faces difficult questions about the value of animal life, his own capability, and the relationships that he chooses to make. His only hopes of success lie within his own intuition, his fellow cavalrymen, and of course, Arty. <br /><br /> <span style="color: #2b00fe;">The plot is not clear. Aman faces difficult questions, ok, but what problem does he have? You've said his only hope of success, but success at what? Plot must be on the page.<br /></span><br /><br />CURSORIAL is a 55,000-word war story that skirts the line between fantasy and ecofiction. <br /><span style="color: #2b00fe;"><br /> This is fantasy. The question is which shelf: adult or MG.</span><br /><br /><span style="color: #2b00fe;">You have an adult plot and it sounds like Aman is also an adult (or at least not a child.)<br /><br />But 55K is way too short for an adult fantasy novel. Fantasy needs world building and world building needs words. And the comps below are kids.</span><br /><br /><br />It closely follows the bond between horse and rider, <br /><br /><span style="color: #2b00fe;">Really? Cause there's no sense of that here in the query. </span><br /><br /><br />inspired greatly by works such as War Horse (by Michael Morpurgo) and Spirit: Stallion of the Cimarron. The story can stand alone, but is also the first of a planned series. <br /><br /><span style="color: #2b00fe;">War Horse is for grades 4-7. Spirit is an animated movie (not a book) ie for kids. That and your word count signal make me think this is not an adult book.</span><br /> <br /><br />I'm an equestrian, and an absolute geek for natural history, paleontology, medieval warfare, and the color green. <br /><br />Thank you for your time and consideration. <br /><br /><br /><span style="color: #2b00fe;">Another thing that leaps off the page to me is the plethora of A-names: Aman, Arty, Aerdoth. <br /><br />But the biggest problem here is you don't know your shelf. You've got adult themes, and MG comps.<br /><br />This is confusing, and confusing often leads to an instant pass. <br /><br />If you can't find suitable comps, you're searching too narrowly OR you haven't read enough in your category.<br /><br />If you're having trouble finding comps you might try reading reviews in Publishers Weekly (which is NOT the same as Publishers Marketplace). Your library has a subscription to PW, but they don't put it out in the circulation area. You'll have to ask. Read the reviews going back a year or two. It will take you a while, but it's worth it.<br /><br />Get plot on the page, and get comps that reflect the book.</span><p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p><style>@font-face
{font-family:"MS Mincho";
panose-1:2 2 6 9 4 2 5 8 3 4;
mso-font-alt:"MS 明朝";
mso-font-charset:128;
mso-generic-font-family:modern;
mso-font-pitch:fixed;
mso-font-signature:-536870145 1791491579 134217746 0 131231 0;}@font-face
{font-family:"Cambria Math";
panose-1:2 4 5 3 5 4 6 3 2 4;
mso-font-charset:0;
mso-generic-font-family:roman;
mso-font-pitch:variable;
mso-font-signature:3 0 0 0 1 0;}@font-face
{font-family:Calibri;
panose-1:2 15 5 2 2 2 4 3 2 4;
mso-font-charset:0;
mso-generic-font-family:swiss;
mso-font-pitch:variable;
mso-font-signature:-536859905 -1073732485 9 0 511 0;}@font-face
{font-family:"\@MS Mincho";
panose-1:2 2 6 9 4 2 5 8 3 4;
mso-font-charset:128;
mso-generic-font-family:modern;
mso-font-pitch:fixed;
mso-font-signature:-536870145 1791491579 134217746 0 131231 0;}p.MsoNormal, li.MsoNormal, div.MsoNormal
{mso-style-name:"Normal\,Normal query";
mso-style-unhide:no;
mso-style-qformat:yes;
mso-style-parent:"";
margin:0in;
mso-pagination:widow-orphan;
font-size:11.0pt;
mso-bidi-font-size:10.0pt;
font-family:"Calibri",sans-serif;
mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri;
mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin;
mso-fareast-font-family:"MS Mincho";
mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri;
mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin;
mso-bidi-font-family:"Courier New";
mso-fareast-language:EN-AU;}.MsoChpDefault
{mso-style-type:export-only;
mso-default-props:yes;
font-family:"Calibri",sans-serif;
mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri;
mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin;
mso-fareast-font-family:Calibri;
mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-latin;
mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri;
mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin;
mso-bidi-font-family:"Times New Roman";
mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-bidi;}div.WordSection1
{page:WordSection1;}</style></p>Janet Reidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00615380335938685231noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-47667636791113878572021-11-07T12:00:00.016-05:002022-05-27T17:12:29.374-04:00#338
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: black; font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"><br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="color: black; font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">Dear QueryShark: </span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"><br />
College is supposed to be full of new experiences, but a failed assassination
attempt shouldn’t be one of them. At least, that’s Anna Michael’s opinion.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">You want your first
sentence to be as taut and compelling as possible.</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">Reordering the
sentences will help with that:</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><s><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">College is supposed to be full of
new experiences, but </span></s><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">A</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> failed assassination attempt
shouldn’t be one of <span style="color: #2b00fe;">the new experiences of college</span>. </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">This is awkwardly
worded but you get the idea. Start with the thing that's going to hook your
reader's attention. </span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> But when you
look at that revised sentence, it still doesn't really do the job well, does
it?</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">Revision is almost
never one and done (well, typos: fix and finished)</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">So, let's remember
that starting with the main character's name is almost always a good idea.</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span></p><i>
</i><p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><i><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">Anna Michaels
wasn't expecting an attempt on her life to be one of her new college experiences
</span></i><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">Still not great,
but that's also the nature of revision.</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">So let's reorder
the elements again:</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">Anna Michaels
didn't think one of her new college experiences would be surviving an attempt
on her life.</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">You prod and poke
and try a gazillion ways to make this sound taut and compelling.</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> Once you
think you've got it, let it rest for at least a day, then go back the next day
and look at it with fresh eyes.</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><s><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">At least, that’s Anna Michael’s
opinion.</span></s><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">I think we can all
agree this is not something we think is a benefit of enrolling in college. <br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">The problem with
starting with something as attention getting as a failed assassination attempt
is that your reader is keen to know<i> what happens next.</i></span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">And if you don't
provide that info, the reader is disappointed.</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">There is no
connection between how you start and the next paragraph. </span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"><br />
All Anna wants is to find her father’s murderer and protect her mother. </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">And what does this
have to do with her going to college? </span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">Did you include
college to signal her age?</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">I think that's
going to confound you if college is never mentioned again. </span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">And now she’s fleeing her
hometown with two strangers who claim to know her better than she knows
herself. They introduce her to a world that exists alongside her own, a world
where a girl can walk through walls and a boy can affect time.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">Unless <i>walking
through wall</i>s and <i>affecting time</i> are gender-specific abilities
you might reconsider how you describe them.</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"><br />
<br />
She uncovers a forgotten childhood where she grew up surrounded by magic . . .
as the daughter of the king and queen. And a deadly coup has just made Anna the
sole member of the monarchy. </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">being specific
usually helps your reader get a fuller picture. Anna is the sole<i> surviving </i>member
of the monarchy not just the sole member.</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"><br />
<br />
The strangers, Brie and her brother Max, want Anna to save the magical
community. It means discovering who wants to end the monarchy—and why. Were
they responsible for the death of her father? As Anna gets involved deeper and
deeper into the insurgency . . . she might not be on the right side of this war
after all. </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"><br />
<span style="color: #2b00fe;">Really? Why?</span></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">What's at stake
here?</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">The King and Queen
are dead, Anna is the next in line.</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">So what?</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">In other words,
what happens if she isn't on the right side?</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">What's at stake for
her? For the kingdom?</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"><br />
Max knows more about her altered memories than he’s willing to tell her. Even
though she trusts him with her life, maybe even falls in love with him, she
knows she shouldn’t. A relationship with him would mean forfeiting the crown
and everything they’re fighting for. <br />
<br />
Anna must decide if finding her father’s killer and stepping into the role of
queen is worth the sacrifice of her identity and family, when she’s already
lost her parents and the woman who raised her. She learns one thing: It will be
the death of Anna Michaels. <br />
<br />
Long live the Queen. <br />
<br />
SIX & TIME (123,000) is a <s>New Adult </s></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">New Adult isn't
really a category you want to use.</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">It started off
being just what you'd think it would be: books for people who are post-YA. Then
it morphed into something more like erotica light: 50 Shades of Something
Wicked This Way Comes kinda thing.</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">If your main
characters are college age, this is adult fantasy.</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">But the problem
here is that you're describing a book that uses many themes associated with YA.</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">Confusing indeed.</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">When agents are
confused, they pass. Clarity is essential in a query.</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">contemporary fantasy novel <s>complete
at 123,000 words. </s> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">You don't need to
say it's complete. That's assumed. </span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">This is the first in a planned
series. It will appeal to fans of Avatar: the Last Airbender and The Ash
Princess <span style="color: #2b00fe;">(by Laura Sebastian).</span></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">Always include the
author with the title of your comp books.</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">Titles are not
subject to copyright; more than one book can be called The QueryShark's Guide
to Tasteful Writers.</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">Also The Ash
Princess is YA. Your comps must be on the same shelf as your book.
(You'll gnash your teeth trying to find NA comps, which is another indicator
you need to revise the ages, or the category)</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><s><span style="color: black; font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">While </span></s><span style="color: black; font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">I work with numbers
as a tax professional during the day, <s>I am ruled by writing at all hours.</s></span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="color: black; font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">This is the kind of
hyperbolic statement that makes you sound like an amateur.</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">I hope you've got a
life other than writing. </span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">This is the kind of
thing that makes you sound LESS enticing not more.</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">Leave it for
another forum. </span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="color: black; font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="color: black; font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> I am pursuing
my Master in Fine Arts with a focus in Creative Writing. </span><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">(you might want to
add which school)</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"><br />
<br />
Thank you for your consideration. </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">Questions:</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">- Here's where I
shoot myself in the foot. This book can NOT stand alone. I know, I know. But I
reached 100,000 at the "halfway" mark of the original novel, so
I decided to split it in two with a cliffhanger ending.</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">Talk about one
quick way to make your readers HATE YOU.</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">Seriously.</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">Back in the day
when cliffhangers were more the norm, you only had to wait a week to find out
what happened.</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">There can be <u>a
year</u> between Book One and Book Two.</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">Some are faster,
but the fastest I've ever seen was three months.</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">You're asking NEW
fans to wait three months to resolve things?</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">This is a recipe
for disaster. And disaster these days means being trashed on Goodreads, Amazon
and any other forum people can use to complain in.</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">The closest I've
read to a cliffhanger recently was Lee Child's<i> 61 Hours </i>(pubbed March
18, 2010) and resolved in <i>Worth Dying For</i> (October 19, 2010). It was his
14th book, not his debut.</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">I could always
remove a subplot or two, but part of the reason why this novel works is it
takes the tired "royal chosen one with elemental magic" trope and
turns it around - without the layers, this book is generic as hell. </span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> It would help
if that were on the page here, but it's not.</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">Revise and resend. </span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> </span></p>
<style>@font-face
{font-family:"MS Mincho";
panose-1:2 2 6 9 4 2 5 8 3 4;
mso-font-alt:"MS 明朝";
mso-font-charset:128;
mso-generic-font-family:modern;
mso-font-pitch:fixed;
mso-font-signature:-536870145 1791491579 134217746 0 131231 0;}@font-face
{font-family:"Cambria Math";
panose-1:2 4 5 3 5 4 6 3 2 4;
mso-font-charset:0;
mso-generic-font-family:roman;
mso-font-pitch:variable;
mso-font-signature:3 0 0 0 1 0;}@font-face
{font-family:Calibri;
panose-1:2 15 5 2 2 2 4 3 2 4;
mso-font-charset:0;
mso-generic-font-family:swiss;
mso-font-pitch:variable;
mso-font-signature:-536859905 -1073732485 9 0 511 0;}@font-face
{font-family:"\@MS Mincho";
panose-1:2 2 6 9 4 2 5 8 3 4;
mso-font-charset:128;
mso-generic-font-family:modern;
mso-font-pitch:fixed;
mso-font-signature:-536870145 1791491579 134217746 0 131231 0;}p.MsoNormal, li.MsoNormal, div.MsoNormal
{mso-style-name:"Normal\,Normal query";
mso-style-unhide:no;
mso-style-qformat:yes;
mso-style-parent:"";
margin:0in;
mso-pagination:widow-orphan;
font-size:11.0pt;
mso-bidi-font-size:10.0pt;
font-family:"Calibri",sans-serif;
mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri;
mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin;
mso-fareast-font-family:"MS Mincho";
mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri;
mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin;
mso-bidi-font-family:"Courier New";
mso-fareast-language:EN-AU;}.MsoChpDefault
{mso-style-type:export-only;
mso-default-props:yes;
font-family:"Calibri",sans-serif;
mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri;
mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin;
mso-fareast-font-family:Calibri;
mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-latin;
mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri;
mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin;
mso-bidi-font-family:"Times New Roman";
mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-bidi;}div.WordSection1
{page:WordSection1;}</style>Janet Reidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00615380335938685231noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-32682492027353345432021-10-31T12:00:00.005-04:002022-05-27T17:12:53.962-04:00#337<br /><p class="MsoNormal"><strike>WYSTERIA</strike> <span style="color: #2b00fe;">Wysteria </span>Collins</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">don't cap the names of your characters in a query. That's
for synopses and film scripts.</span></p><span style="color: #2b00fe;">
</span>
<br />
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>is the twenty-four
year old owner of a magic shop in downtown Olympia, Washington. She runs it
with her familiar, a turtle named <strike>PANTS </strike><span style="color: #2b00fe;">Pants.</span> Things are her normal brand of chaos
until her dear friend <strike>PRISCILLA</strike> <span style="color: #2b00fe;">Priscilla </span>calls in a favor. </p>
<br />
<p class="MsoNormal">The Fae </p><span style="color: #2b00fe;">
</span><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">who?</span></p><span style="color: #2b00fe;">
</span><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">In a short form work like a query, it REALLY helps if you
don't call characters two different things in short order. Were you worried
about using Priscilla's name twice in short succession?</span><span style="color: #2b00fe;">
</span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">You can avoid that by paring and combining the sentences:</span>
</p><p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Things are her normal brand of chaos until her dear friend <span style="color: #2b00fe;">Priscilla</span> <strike>calls in a favor </strike></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><s>can’t break her promise to go on a date and </s> </p><p class="MsoNormal">persuades
Wysteria to <span style="color: #2b00fe;">go on a date</span> in her place. It’s supposed to be a one time
event, except that Wysteria likes<strike> ARIEL</strike> <span style="color: #2b00fe;">Ariel</span> and he didn’t seem put off by the way
she had to chase her turtle across the restaurant floor.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">The story is told in a series of vignettes, ranging from
comforting a grief-stricken student with a request for necromancy, to an
excitable baseball coach. There’s a visit to the beach that ends with bartering
with mermaids, and the time Ariel shows up unannounced with a lost snake. </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;"> </span></p><span style="color: #2b00fe;">
</span><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">Well this sounds fun and all but there's NO PLOT.</span></p><span style="color: #2b00fe;">
</span><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">Even a series of vignettes needs a plot, and worse: each
vignette needs one, plus you need an overarching story arc.</span></p><span style="color: #2b00fe;">
</span><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">WYSTERIA AND PANTS is a 60,000 word adult fantasy</p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">I'm not convinced you have enough word count here.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The previous Query Shark post is about a book
that's got too many words.</span></p><span style="color: #2b00fe;">
</span><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;"> </span></p><span style="color: #2b00fe;">
</span><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">You've got the opposite problem.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Fantasy needs world building. World building
takes words.</span></p><span style="color: #2b00fe;">
</span><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">And not having a plot means you're going to need to add
words too. You can double the word count here and still be ok.</span></p><p class="MsoNormal"> </p><p class="MsoNormal"> </p><p class="MsoNormal"> #ownvoices
novel with series potential featuring a diverse cast of queer characters. </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;"> #ownvoices is being replaced with #specific under represented voice you mean.</span><br /></p><p><span style="color: #2b00fe;">Here's the announcement about that:</span></p><p>
</p><p class="MsoNormal"><b></b></p><blockquote><b>We Need Diverse Books</b> announced that it will no
longer refer to books using the term #OwnVoices. Instead, they will use
"specific descriptions that authors use for themselves and their
characters whenever possible (for example "Korean American author" or
"autistic protagonist").<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They
write in the release that the hashtag was originally created "for readers
to recommend books by authors who openly shared the diverse identity of their
main characters," but has since become a "catch all marketing
term" and caused problems with its vagueness.</blockquote><p></p>
<p><style>@font-face
{font-family:"MS Mincho";
panose-1:2 2 6 9 4 2 5 8 3 4;
mso-font-alt:"MS 明朝";
mso-font-charset:128;
mso-generic-font-family:modern;
mso-font-pitch:fixed;
mso-font-signature:-536870145 1791491579 134217746 0 131231 0;}@font-face
{font-family:"Cambria Math";
panose-1:2 4 5 3 5 4 6 3 2 4;
mso-font-charset:0;
mso-generic-font-family:roman;
mso-font-pitch:variable;
mso-font-signature:3 0 0 0 1 0;}@font-face
{font-family:Calibri;
panose-1:2 15 5 2 2 2 4 3 2 4;
mso-font-charset:0;
mso-generic-font-family:swiss;
mso-font-pitch:variable;
mso-font-signature:-536859905 -1073732485 9 0 511 0;}@font-face
{font-family:"\@MS Mincho";
panose-1:2 2 6 9 4 2 5 8 3 4;
mso-font-charset:128;
mso-generic-font-family:modern;
mso-font-pitch:fixed;
mso-font-signature:-536870145 1791491579 134217746 0 131231 0;}p.MsoNormal, li.MsoNormal, div.MsoNormal
{mso-style-name:"Normal\,Normal query";
mso-style-unhide:no;
mso-style-qformat:yes;
mso-style-parent:"";
margin:0in;
mso-pagination:widow-orphan;
font-size:11.0pt;
mso-bidi-font-size:10.0pt;
font-family:"Calibri",sans-serif;
mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri;
mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin;
mso-fareast-font-family:"MS Mincho";
mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri;
mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin;
mso-bidi-font-family:"Courier New";
mso-fareast-language:EN-AU;}.MsoChpDefault
{mso-style-type:export-only;
mso-default-props:yes;
font-family:"Calibri",sans-serif;
mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri;
mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin;
mso-fareast-font-family:Calibri;
mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-latin;
mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri;
mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin;
mso-bidi-font-family:"Times New Roman";
mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-bidi;}div.WordSection1
{page:WordSection1;}</style></p><p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">COMPS HERE</span></p><span style="color: #2b00fe;">
</span><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">Most agents now want to see comps in a query. Effective
comps are recent books (no earlier than 2018) and published by a trade house
(ie not self published), and on the same shelf you envision for your book.
Don't use YA titles as comps for books for the adult trade market (or vice versa.)</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I moved from California to Washington to live with my shouty
cat Icarus where I enjoy wandering around in the greenery and eating
blackberries from my bush. <s>I’ve been involved in a writing and critique
group since 2015 and together we have published several collections of short
stories.</s></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;"> </span></p><span style="color: #2b00fe;">
</span><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">Nice but NOT a publishing credit. Leave that for your
website.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Thank you for your time and consideration,</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">(name)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Fae/faer or they/them</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Questions: </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I want to be clear
that the chapters are a little disconnected but still related without sounding
like they’re short stories all to themselves.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;"> </span></p><span style="color: #2b00fe;">
</span><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">"A little disconnected" strikes fear in even my
sharkly heart. You don't want your novel to feel like a pinball game where the
reader caroms about.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That's NOT an
immersive reading experience.</span></p><span style="color: #2b00fe;">
</span><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;"> </span></p><span style="color: #2b00fe;">
</span><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">A novel in stories is very much a thing, and are lots of fun
to read. Is there any way to make that happen?</span></p><span style="color: #2b00fe;">
</span><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Will it put agents
off to include my pronouns?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>How should I
handle this?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">Put off?</span></p><span style="color: #2b00fe;">
</span><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">Hardly!!!</span></p><span style="color: #2b00fe;">
</span><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">I'm tickled fuchsia to have writers indicate their pronouns.</span></p><span style="color: #2b00fe;">
</span><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">It's helpful for gender fluid names (Dylan!) plus if you are
non-binary, I'd like to respect that.</span></p><span style="color: #2b00fe;">
</span><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;"> </span></p><span style="color: #2b00fe;">
</span><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">While I don't have a clue what fae/faer is, I do recognize
they/them. How you have it listed is just right.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">Any agent who is put off by pronouns in a query is NOT someone you want to work with. </span><br /></p>
<p><style>@font-face
{font-family:"MS Mincho";
panose-1:2 2 6 9 4 2 5 8 3 4;
mso-font-alt:"MS 明朝";
mso-font-charset:128;
mso-generic-font-family:modern;
mso-font-pitch:fixed;
mso-font-signature:-536870145 1791491579 134217746 0 131231 0;}@font-face
{font-family:"Cambria Math";
panose-1:2 4 5 3 5 4 6 3 2 4;
mso-font-charset:0;
mso-generic-font-family:roman;
mso-font-pitch:variable;
mso-font-signature:3 0 0 0 1 0;}@font-face
{font-family:Calibri;
panose-1:2 15 5 2 2 2 4 3 2 4;
mso-font-charset:0;
mso-generic-font-family:swiss;
mso-font-pitch:variable;
mso-font-signature:-536859905 -1073732485 9 0 511 0;}@font-face
{font-family:"\@MS Mincho";
panose-1:2 2 6 9 4 2 5 8 3 4;
mso-font-charset:128;
mso-generic-font-family:modern;
mso-font-pitch:fixed;
mso-font-signature:-536870145 1791491579 134217746 0 131231 0;}p.MsoNormal, li.MsoNormal, div.MsoNormal
{mso-style-name:"Normal\,Normal query";
mso-style-unhide:no;
mso-style-qformat:yes;
mso-style-parent:"";
margin:0in;
mso-pagination:widow-orphan;
font-size:11.0pt;
mso-bidi-font-size:10.0pt;
font-family:"Calibri",sans-serif;
mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri;
mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin;
mso-fareast-font-family:"MS Mincho";
mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri;
mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin;
mso-bidi-font-family:"Courier New";
mso-fareast-language:EN-AU;}.MsoChpDefault
{mso-style-type:export-only;
mso-default-props:yes;
font-family:"Calibri",sans-serif;
mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri;
mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin;
mso-fareast-font-family:Calibri;
mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-latin;
mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri;
mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin;
mso-bidi-font-family:"Times New Roman";
mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-bidi;}div.WordSection1
{page:WordSection1;}</style></p>Janet Reidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00615380335938685231noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-56101138465102235582021-10-27T21:05:00.002-04:002022-05-27T17:13:36.086-04:00#336<br /><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: black; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">Dear Query Shark,</span><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: black; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">When Wren’s weird dreams begin to take
on a reality all their own, she finds a strangely addictive second life in her
dangerous dream-world, Irisen</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">This doesn't really hook your reader,
does it? There's no tension. There's no sense of wondering what will happen
next.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;"> </span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">Compare that to the first line of
Leviathan Wakes by James Corey<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></span></p><span style="color: #2b00fe;">
</span><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;"> </span></p><span style="color: #2b00fe;">
</span><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;"></span></p><blockquote>The Scopuli had been taken eight days
ago, and Julie Mao was finally ready to be shot.</blockquote><p></p><span style="color: #2b00fe;">
</span><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;"> </span></p><span style="color: #2b00fe;">
</span><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">Now THAT grabs my attention.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: black; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">Back on Earth, things are unraveling;
her father’s recent cancer diagnosis is fracturing her family and Wren’s
painstakingly organized post-college plans now feel futile.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: black; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">Still no tension. What's the problem
here that Wren must deal with?</span></p><span style="color: #2b00fe;">
</span><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">Feeling futile is not a problem. It's a
state of being. (for many of us in publishing, it's just called <i>today</i>)</span><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: black; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">While exploring Irisen, she teams up
with Jasper—a headstrong botanist with reality-defying experiments—and his band
of gung-ho rebels bent on undermining the oppressive autocracy that controls
the region. </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: black; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">I kinda love the idea of a headstrong
botanist!</span></p><span style="color: #2b00fe;">
</span><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">But you've brought in oppressive autocracy
here like that's all we need to know.</span></p><span style="color: #2b00fe;">
</span><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;"> </span></p><span style="color: #2b00fe;">
</span><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">Are they censoring free speech?</span></p><span style="color: #2b00fe;">
</span><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">Are they making you read Ayn Rand?</span></p><span style="color: #2b00fe;">
</span><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">What's the autocracy doing such that
they need overthrowing?</span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">In other words: what's the problem with the autocracy?</span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;"> </span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">Notice a theme here?</span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">You need to get the problem these characters face on the page, specifically. That's the essence of plot. Without it you don't have a compelling query. </span><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: black; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">On Earth, Wren is powerless and
reminded of it every time she tallies the furniture stains in the oncologist’s
waiting room. On Irisen, she’s useful; it’s a relief to fight a fight she can
shape.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;"> </span></p><span style="color: #2b00fe;">
</span><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">This is interesting.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><s><span style="color: black; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">Despite the wear and tear of a
dichotomous existence,</span></s><span style="color: black; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: black; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">I suggest you take this out only because
if you try to explain it (it's too abstract to have much meaning as it stands)
you'll just get lost in the weeds.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: black; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: black; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">living two lives proves to be the
revival Wren needs. Learning to build bombs from botanicals and helping the
rebels subvert the autocracy, Wren all but disregards the woes of her
Earth-life reality—until those woes clutch and drag her back. The day her
father’s diagnosis goes from open-ended to terminal, her ability to
dream-travel to Irisen mysteriously fails. With time running out on both her
father’s life and Jasper’s rebellion, Wren must find the link between her
realities (tricky, but doable) and face her circumstances at home (way fucking
harder) before everything she loves is lost. </span><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: black; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">DREAMWALKER, at 250,000 words, </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;"> </span></p><span style="color: #2b00fe;">
</span><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">oops.</span></p><span style="color: #2b00fe;">
</span><p class="MsoNormal"><b><span style="color: #2b00fe;">instant pass.</span></b></p><p class="MsoNormal"><b><span style="color: #2b00fe;"> </span></b></p><span style="color: #2b00fe;">
</span><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">If you don't want to take my word for
it, how about these two recent tweets from agents I know and follow:</span></p><span style="color: #2b00fe;">
</span><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: black; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh-mMy_v5wioFFse9hw8qQgrUDswS-1hzU4xLims_jEvNm4g0WldwRmUH4ASSvjo0R1KCmQcFojUDfnbr88IrAz1yYbVf7BPcQ0hWMbbPClGnO0Be6rqHsBVgcASj4qTdrsU1s2iIEwGz8/s431/Screen+Shot+2021-10-27+at+7.24.22+PM.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="31" data-original-width="431" height="29" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh-mMy_v5wioFFse9hw8qQgrUDswS-1hzU4xLims_jEvNm4g0WldwRmUH4ASSvjo0R1KCmQcFojUDfnbr88IrAz1yYbVf7BPcQ0hWMbbPClGnO0Be6rqHsBVgcASj4qTdrsU1s2iIEwGz8/w400-h29/Screen+Shot+2021-10-27+at+7.24.22+PM.png" width="400" /></a></div><br /><p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: black; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhMa1tBGOnJvM8ONpsbDwvacSVgk1Mf1t1Ea5zG0IFQVm7xVgWCHkf5UswB1fGbOtYh4zZ5kZx4eSFgVah-di3qUSnT0q2bRzQXAlMHfrjROO65rttpQRSqNa1NcxSg-p7XBYMiBdRMwak/s527/Screen+Shot+2021-10-27+at+7.23.54+PM.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="110" data-original-width="527" height="84" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhMa1tBGOnJvM8ONpsbDwvacSVgk1Mf1t1Ea5zG0IFQVm7xVgWCHkf5UswB1fGbOtYh4zZ5kZx4eSFgVah-di3qUSnT0q2bRzQXAlMHfrjROO65rttpQRSqNa1NcxSg-p7XBYMiBdRMwak/w400-h84/Screen+Shot+2021-10-27+at+7.23.54+PM.png" width="400" /></a></div><br /><p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: black; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: black; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: black; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"><br /></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: black; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: black; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">is a multi-perspective fantasy novel
and the first in a planned series. The conversational tone, along with the
layered worldbuilding will resonate with the twenty-something set currently
reading <i>Black Water Sister</i>.</span><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: black; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">My academic background is in biology,
and I have a soft spot for botany and bending the rules. And though I’d love to
tinker in Jasper’s lab, filled to the brim with magical flora, I work in
healthcare rehabilitating broken and neglected bodies… by day. </span><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: black; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">Thank you for your time and
consideration,</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: black; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: black; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">Question:</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">1. I like thick books: GOT, Pillars, Mistborn
(don't fret, not my comps), and I like them because there are plots, subplots,
and what-the-heck,-where-is-this-going?-OH-DANG! moments. But I'm a nobody. Do
I cut plots/ characters now to make the WC more appealing, or do I risk it for
the biscuit?</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">No. You make this 250,000 word door stop into three
books.</span></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">2. Wren is the MC, but the story is told through
multiple POV. This isn't represented in the ‘hook’ of my query, should it be?
The other characters add twists, turns, eyes and ears in different locations
(ie: Jasper's POV in Irisen). Thoughts?</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">Even if I hadn't fainted dead away at the mere idea
of 250,000 words, your query does NOT support the word count.</span></span></p><span style="color: #2b00fe;">
</span><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span></span></p><span style="color: #2b00fe;">
</span><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">You've got one storyline: Wren</span></span></p><span style="color: #2b00fe;">
</span><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span></span></p><span style="color: #2b00fe;">
</span><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">You need a lot more.</span></span></p><span style="color: #2b00fe;">
</span><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span></span></p><span style="color: #2b00fe;">
</span><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">Querying epic fantasy (epic anything) means you
have to give us a sense of the big picture.</span></span></p><span style="color: #2b00fe;">
</span><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span></span></p><span style="color: #2b00fe;">
</span><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">What you have here is the Winterfell aspect of Game
of Thrones. </span></span></p><span style="color: #2b00fe;">
</span><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">You're missing the dragons.</span></span></p><span style="color: #2b00fe;">
</span><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span></span></p><span style="color: #2b00fe;">
</span><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #2b00fe;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">You need to figure out how to present this
Incredible Hulk word count in more Bruce Banner type ways.</span></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> <br /></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">And you need to make the story more Hulk than Banner. </span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"><span style="color: #2b00fe;"> </span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">Kind of an interesting problem.</span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"><span style="color: #2b00fe;"> </span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">I look forward to seeing how you solve it.</span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"><span style="color: #2b00fe;"> </span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">Revise and resend. </span><br /></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> </span></p>
<style>@font-face
{font-family:"MS Mincho";
panose-1:2 2 6 9 4 2 5 8 3 4;
mso-font-alt:"MS 明朝";
mso-font-charset:128;
mso-generic-font-family:modern;
mso-font-pitch:fixed;
mso-font-signature:-536870145 1791491579 134217746 0 131231 0;}@font-face
{font-family:"Cambria Math";
panose-1:2 4 5 3 5 4 6 3 2 4;
mso-font-charset:0;
mso-generic-font-family:roman;
mso-font-pitch:variable;
mso-font-signature:3 0 0 0 1 0;}@font-face
{font-family:Calibri;
panose-1:2 15 5 2 2 2 4 3 2 4;
mso-font-charset:0;
mso-generic-font-family:swiss;
mso-font-pitch:variable;
mso-font-signature:-536859905 -1073732485 9 0 511 0;}@font-face
{font-family:"\@MS Mincho";
panose-1:2 2 6 9 4 2 5 8 3 4;
mso-font-charset:128;
mso-generic-font-family:modern;
mso-font-pitch:fixed;
mso-font-signature:-536870145 1791491579 134217746 0 131231 0;}p.MsoNormal, li.MsoNormal, div.MsoNormal
{mso-style-name:"Normal\,Normal query";
mso-style-unhide:no;
mso-style-qformat:yes;
mso-style-parent:"";
margin:0in;
mso-pagination:widow-orphan;
font-size:11.0pt;
mso-bidi-font-size:10.0pt;
font-family:"Calibri",sans-serif;
mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri;
mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin;
mso-fareast-font-family:"MS Mincho";
mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri;
mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin;
mso-bidi-font-family:"Courier New";
mso-fareast-language:EN-AU;}.MsoChpDefault
{mso-style-type:export-only;
mso-default-props:yes;
font-family:"Calibri",sans-serif;
mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri;
mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin;
mso-fareast-font-family:Calibri;
mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-latin;
mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri;
mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin;
mso-bidi-font-family:"Times New Roman";
mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-bidi;}div.WordSection1
{page:WordSection1;}</style>Janet Reidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00615380335938685231noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-30087165919873860442020-06-28T12:00:00.000-04:002022-05-27T17:14:06.301-04:00#335<br />
<br />
“That roof is the wrong shape to talk to God.”<br />
<br />
Chloe
Reed hears this inside her head when she looks up in a coffeeshop, her
house, her church, everywhere she goes. And the strange, static-laden
voice is getting louder with each repetition. <br />
<br />
It tells her she’s been chosen to build a correctly shaped roof. <br />
<br />
Chloe
bounces between thinking she’s going insane and hoping she’s been
singled out to talk to God. She needs it to be the latter. She needs to
know God loves her, that anyone loves her. She needs to know why her own
father doesn’t even want to be in the same room as her.<br />
<br />
She
builds the roof and puts it on a shed in her backyard. She steps inside.
The distorted voice that had been confined to her head crackles down at
her from the roof. Chloe prostrates herself on the wooden floorboards. <br />
<br />
The
voice tells her it’s God. It tells her it has a plan and it needs her
help. But it’s not the God she was expecting. This one doesn’t know who
Jesus is. <br />
<br />
Chloe must find out if the voice belongs to God. If it
does, Chloe finally has concrete proof that she’s worthy of love. She
finally has a way to get all the answers. <br />
<br />
But the voice wants
more than her faith. It wants all of humanity to believe. It wants total
control. And it needs Chloe to get it.<br />
<br />
CHLOE’S ROOF (80,200 words) is a work of speculative fiction. This would be my debut.<br />
<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="color: blue;">Put your comps here. Yes, you need them.</span></blockquote>
<blockquote>
<span style="color: blue;">Put your bio here. Yes, you need one. </span></blockquote>
<br />
Thank you for your time and consideration.<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="color: blue;">This is clear, concise, well-written.</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">It works for me, I'd read the pages. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: blue;">But, this is not going to appeal to every agent.</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">Which means even a clear, concise, well-written query is going to get some passes. </span><br />
<span style="color: blue;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: blue;">Any questions?</span></blockquote>
<br />
<br />
<br />
Janet Reidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00615380335938685231noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-2387515001729087282020-04-05T12:00:00.001-04:002022-05-27T17:14:35.967-04:00#334Revision #1<br />
<br />
<br />
Cinis Munimoh ripped her best friend’s teeth out on purpose, uttering thanks when the favor was returned.<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="color: blue;">As first sentences go, that's pretty eyecatching.</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">Horrifying but eye catching.</span></blockquote>
Mirroring her caretakers, Cinis clipped her horns, shed her skin, and seasoned her disguise with contacts, hiding her misshapen pupils. The 21 survivors of Amarith were no more. Now, they were just normal people walking the Earth, impersonating the very thing responsible for their downfall: humans. <br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="color: blue;">I don't know what Amarith is, but at this point, I don't really care.
I'm not going to stop reading to wonder about anything</span>.
</blockquote>
<br />
<strike>Even shrouded in disguise, the Amarithians are hunted down, struggling to survive and preserve their race.</strike><br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="color: blue;">This sentence doesn't connect to the next one. It's a good sentence, but it just doesn't fit well here. Thus: chop.</span> </blockquote>
But Cinis craves more than mere survival. <span style="color: blue;">She longs </span> <strike>longing</strike> for the day she can rebuild her planet. <strike>that fell to humanity.</strike> <br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="color: blue;">We know that her planet fell. That it <i>fell to humanity</i> is something the reader will intuit. And that lets you cut that last part which improves the rhythm of the sentence.</span></blockquote>
<strike> Just before Cinis loses hope of preserving her kind, she meets Sebastian, who reveals that </strike><br />
<br />
<span style="color: blue;">Then she learns </span>Amarith wasn't destroyed. <br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="color: blue;">I have a thing about main characters being told things. It's so passive.</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">Putting it as <i>she learned</i> makes it more dynamic.</span></blockquote>
<br />
In fact, hundreds of Amarithians and humans alike are held captive there, forced to harvest resources that Earth <span style="color: blue;">can</span> no longer <strike>could</strike> provide. Now, Cin and her friends must find a way to liberate Amarith without blocking Earth from resources and triggering the extinction of thousands of species. <br />
<br />
<br />
<strike>My science fiction novel, </strike>Human (115,000 words), is the first in a planned series. The work takes on the point of view of several characters, all of whom keep “war logs”, through which the story is told. <br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="color: blue;">In a query like this it's important to say this novel can stand alone. It can, right?</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">Although most book deals have been for two or three books in the past, we're coming into a new norm, and single book deals may be one of the changes.</span></blockquote>
<br />
<strike>I’ve always been an advocate for th</strike>e <span style="color: blue;">I'm active in the</span> fight against climate change, <strike>and my fascination with the environment only aids my writing as ideals of preservation and human pollution can be traced throughout my work</strike>. Human is my first novel. <br />
<br />
Thank you for your consideration.<br />
<br />
<br />
Questions:<br />
<br />
<br />
Is my bio too long? I've been struggling
with it since I don't have any credentials or formal education as of the
moment, but I do have some things I felt were important to mention. <br />
<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="color: blue;">Too long? It's barely there!</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">A good bio gives us (the reading agent) a sense of who you are. You can mention pets, where you live, what you do when you need inspiration, your favorite kind of shark..anything that warms up the intro.</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: blue;">Telling us what you care about is fine, but it shouldn't be the only thing here.</span></blockquote>
---------------<br />
<br />
Original query<br />
<br />
Dear Query Shark, <br />
<br />
Cinis was eating breakfast when the first bomb hit.<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="color: blue;">This seems like one of those sentences that should work, doesn't it?</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">But it doesn't really. Cause everyone is doing something when the bombs hit.</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">Breakfast is as good as any.</span></blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="color: blue;">A good first sentence in a query needs to grab your reader's attention and makes them wonder "what will happen now?"</span> </blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="color: blue;">You've got a pretty good candidate for that kind of sentence. It's the last one in the paragraph</span></blockquote>
<span style="color: blue;"><br /></span><strike>Everybody
was caught off guard, sure, but they knew the attack would come sooner
or later; the Humans had known about Amarith for decades now. But the
day had finally arrived:
</strike><br />
<span style="color: blue;">This one:</span> The Humans had come, and they had not come in peace. <br />
<br />
Cinis and twenty other Amarithians were forced to flee. With nowhere else to go, they ran to Earth,<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="color: blue;">this is a classic example of saying the same thing twice, albeit in different words.</span></blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="color: blue;">fleeing and running are the same thing here.</span></blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="color: blue;">You can revise this sentence:</span> </blockquote>
<span style="color: blue;">With nowhere else to go, Cinis and twenty other Amarithians were forced to flee to Earth </span><br />
hoping to hide in plain sight.<br />
<br />
Eight years <strike>have passed, and</strike> <span style="color: blue;">later,</span> just before Cin<strike> loses</strike> <span style="color: blue;">has lost </span>all hope of returning to her planet, a new friend reveals life-changing information.<br />
<br />
<span style="color: blue;"> what is the info?</span><br />
<br />
Now, Cin and her friends must make a decision, one that could decide the fate of two planets, and all who inhabit them.<br />
<br />
<span style="color: blue;">What's the decision? </span><br />
<br />
My
science fiction novel, Human (115,000 words), is the first in a planned
series. The work takes on the point of view of several characters, all
of whom keep “war logs”, through which the story is told. <br />
<br />
I’m a staff member of a popular (name) server which has over 500 members dedicated to reading and discussing each other’s work.<br />
<span style="color: blue;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: blue;">This is
another one of those things that sound good, but my first question is do
they BUY the books of the members? Discuss all you want, but you don't
get paid (me either) until a book has a sales slip.</span><br />
<br />
<br />
I’ve
always been an advocate for the fight against climate change, and my
fascination with the environment only aids my writing as ideals of
preservation and human pollution can be traced throughout my work. I
also would like to point out my unique position as both a member of the
LGBT community, and a woman, making this novel a #ownvoices contributor,
as several main characters share one or both of these traits.<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="color: blue;">You're
not the only (ie unique) woman who's part of the LGBT community. Saying
this makes me think you don't understand what unique means.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: blue;">Words are your tools.</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">If you keep hitting your thumb with a hammer, I'm not hiring you to hang sheetrock. </span></blockquote>
Thank you for your consideration. <br />
<br />
<br />
email <br />
phone<br />
Twitter<br />
<br />
<br />
<span style="color: blue;">There
isn't enough here to catch your reader's interest. It's all pretty
bland, and that is death in a query. A horrible beige death of zero
cuts.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: blue;">There's
no sense of drama or tension because you've said they get info, but not
what it is, and have to make a decision, but not what that is.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: blue;">Dig in. Be specific. Use vibrant language. And use it well. </span><br />
<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: right;">
<span style="color: red;">**if you saw the post before Sunday 4/5/20 at noon, </span></div>
<div style="text-align: right;">
<span style="color: red;">and perhaps commented, </span></div>
<div style="text-align: right;">
<span style="color: red;">that was an early draft posted in error. </span></div>
<div style="text-align: right;">
<span style="color: red;">Comments were deleted.</span></div>
Janet Reidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00615380335938685231noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-33133001159245068912020-03-29T12:00:00.000-04:002022-05-27T17:15:30.232-04:00#333Questions:<br />
<br />
1.) I know you said that mentioning my self-<strike>publishing </strike><span style="color: blue;">published</span><strike> </strike>novels (despite the tens of books I sold) is a no-go, but honestly, those are the closest things to writing credits I have. Is having no writing credits better than pointing out my two independent novels?<br />
<br />
<span style="color: blue;">Self publishing isn't a writing credit.</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">Writing credits are when your work is selected by someone else for publication.</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: blue;">Not having writing credits isn't a problem in fiction.</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">Having two books in three years with a total of 21 Amazon reviews however IS. </span><br />
<span style="color: blue;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: blue;">You can take them down from Amazon and not mention them in your query, OR wait to query until you get some additonal reviews up there. More as in 50 or so.</span><br />
<br />
2.) I'm cautious on if mentioning that I'm a recent college grad in my bio will help or hurt me. <br />
<span style="color: blue;">Your email with a .edu suffix pretty much lets the cat out of the bag.</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">It's not a problem that you're a recent grad. (Also, congrats!)</span><br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Dear Query Shark:<br />
<br />
Three years ago, the notorious rock star Jon Cameron loved slinging heroin in his veins<br />
<br />
<span style="color: blue;"><i>Slinging heroin</i> means selling it.</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">At least it did the last time I looked which was when I was mainlining <i>The Wire.</i></span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">So, what you've said here is he's selling heroin in his veins.</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">You've pulled me out of the narrative and made me wonder if you used the wrong word, or this is some kind of weird new way to sell heroin.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: blue;">In either case, pulling your reader out of the narrative is something to be avoided at all costs. </span><br />
<br />
more than he loved screaming the F-bomb on stage. That stopped the night Jon handed his brother and best friend, Carter, a needle and watched him die of an overdose. Today, Jon's sober, has quit touring with his renowned rock band, and has started a foundation in honor of Carter. No matter what he does, though, his brother's death clings to Jon like a cancer. <br />
<br />
<span style="color: blue;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: blue;">You can solve this entire problem by ditching the first paragraph and starting here:</span><br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<span style="color: blue;">Former notorious rock star Jon Cameron</span> <strike>lJon</strike> get<span style="color: blue;">s</span> an invitation from Nebulova, the electronics company that controls its billions of customers like a skilled puppeteer. The technology juggernaut is, apparently, about to revolutionize the video game industry by releasing its first virtual-reality gaming system. To flex its "reality-defying" VR system's muscles, Nebulova invites eleven celebrities to compete in a nationally broadcasted video game tournament -- the Eros Levels. <br />
<br />
<br />
Yeah, woohoo, sounds cool and all, but what does Jon get if he wins? $10 million for <span style="color: blue;">the foundation he set up for his brother who died of an overdose. An overdose Jon gave him.</span> And when Jon learns that his ex-girlfriend, the captivating R&B icon Nia Vermilion, is also invited, he can't say "yes" fast enough. <br />
<br />
<span style="color: blue;">Captivating.</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">Well, at least it's not bombshell or gorgeous, or drop dead beauty, but it's damn close.</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">Describing female characters by their appearance is an increasing red flag. Avoid doing this. </span><br />
<br />
Once Jon, Nia, and the other nine celebrities are inside the Eros Levels, Nebulova unveils its true intentions. For years, Nebulova has been using its powerful technology to secretly record everything its customers say – and think. Nebulova knows that each of the eleven celebrities has a sinister, violent, and well-hidden secret that has ruined – and ended – lives. Now, the Eros Levels will be their punishment: lose in the Eros Levels, and die in real-life. The winner gets the prize of being the only one spared.<br />
<br />
<span style="color: blue;">You've revealed here what Jon's secret is. He killed his brother.</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">You might consider NOT revealing that here in the query.</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">If we don't know what Jon's secret is, you create tension. We wonder what it is, and read on to find out more.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: blue;">One of the biggest problems I see is writers giving away too much, both in the query, and in the first pages of the book. NOT knowing things builds tension, which builds interest. </span><br />
<br />
<br />
Jon can either fight to win the Eros Levels – which would mean watching Nia, the only girl he's ever loved, die – or let his brother's death finally kill him. <br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
THE EROS LEVELS (<span style="color: blue;">109,000 words)</span> is <strike>a </strike>science-fiction <strike>novel complete with 109,000 words. THE EROS LEVELS <span style="color: blue;"> </span></strike><span style="color: blue;">that</span> will appeal to fans of Blake Crouch's visual writing style and Ernie Cl<span style="color: blue;">ine's creative world-building. <strike>I'm a recent college graduate that, </strike>Unlike my rock star protagonist, I do</span> <strike>does</strike> not play guitar and scream F-bombs for a living (I only do the latter part-time). However, we both share the same inane love for Arnold Palmer drinks. <br />
<br />
<br />
Thank you for your time and consideration. <br />
<br />
<br />
website:<br />
<span style="color: blue;">This redirects to Facebook. It's not really a website as such.</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">You (and all authors) should have an actual website with your contact info, your bio, <strike>and pictures of your dog</strike> and your published works if you have them and want to mention them. Also, links to your social meda like Twitter, Instagram and/or Facebook. When I say link, I mean the icons that you click on, not a URL.</span><br />
<br />
<br />
<script async="" charset="utf-8" src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js"></script>
<a class="twitter-follow-button" data-show-count="false" href="https://twitter.com/queryshark?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">Follow @queryshark</a><script async="" charset="utf-8" src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js"></script>Janet Reidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00615380335938685231noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-64003136202939318202019-12-08T12:00:00.000-05:002022-05-27T17:16:02.195-04:00#332Question:<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
I wrote LOST IN LA as a retelling of Pretty Woman with
“modern” social issues, but I don’t know whether to focus on the characters,
the fake relationship trope or the social issues that bring the characters
together. I’ve chosen to highlight the social issues to convey a fresh
approach, but I’m worried the query is too serious and the characters don’t
come across as feisty and likable.
</blockquote>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: blue;">You've hamstrung yourself with the Pretty Woman framework.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: blue;">Pretty Woman was made in 1990.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: blue;">A lot has changed since then.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: blue;">Readers tastes in particular.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: blue;">And always and evermore the thing to focus on in a query is the story. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<div class="MsoNormal">
Dear Query Shark,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Wylie’s Los Angeles roommate kicks her out of her apartment.
</div>
</blockquote>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: blue;">Is this a killer first sentence that draws me in and makes
me want to read more?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<div class="MsoNormal">
Desperate to finish her yoga accreditation and land a stable
job, </div>
</blockquote>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: blue;">or this?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<div class="MsoNormal">
Wylie decides to live in her car and save money for a new
apartment.</div>
</blockquote>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: blue;">Here's where you finally engage my interest. That means this
is the place to start.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><br /></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>Wylie decides to live in her car to save money for a new
apartment after her roommate kicks her out.</i></div>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<div class="MsoNormal">
Food truck vendor Nolan laughs at her social media influence
and she focuses on leading beachfront yoga classes and working at a pretentious
bar.</div>
</blockquote>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: blue;">So, Wylie's living in her car. Then you whiplash your
reader to Nolan the food truck guy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: blue;">An important thing to remember in all writing, not
just queries, is sentences should flow.</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">That is, a connection from the first to the second, and on down the line.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: blue;">Whiplash your reader on purpose only. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: blue;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: blue;">For this to flow, there needs to be a onnection
between Wylie and Nolan.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: blue;">As in <i> </i></span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: blue;"><i>Wylie parks her "home" near a food truck owned by
Nolan, the Taco King of Pismo Beach...</i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: blue;">except <i>laughs at her social media influence</i> is a
strange thing to say about someone, particularly if it's the FIRST thing you
say about him.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: blue;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: blue;">Does he laugh cause he's jealous? Cause he thinks real life only
happens off the grid?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: blue;">Give us some context here.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>After the city tows
her car, Nolan learns she’s homeless and offers her a job at the food truck and
a room in a co-living commune if she'll give up the pretentious bar.</div>
</blockquote>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: blue;">Why does he care about whether she works at a pretentious
bar?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: blue;">And a guy who starts demanding things as a condition of
anything ...well, I hope she gives him the downward facing dog.</span></div>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<div class="MsoNormal">
As Wylie works and lives with Nolan, she poses as his
girlfriend for business reasons and learns the food truck the first step toward
a series of fast casual restaurants for impoverished neighborhoods. She falls
for him and the allure of a partnership until a roommate reveals Nolan comes
from a wealthy family and owns the commune house.</div>
</blockquote>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: blue;">At this point, there's no plot.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: blue;">Plot is about choices.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: blue;">So far we have what Wylie decided, not what her choices were.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: blue;">And there's nothing at stake for her here on the page.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: blue;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: blue;">If she doesn't take the job at the food truck, and pose as
his girlfriend what will happen? </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: blue;">How will she have to change to get what she wants?</span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: blue;">Right now all she needs to do is earn money and keep studying for her accreditation. That's just working toward a goal, not a plot.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: blue;">It's the difference between working the speed bag and a boxing bout.</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">Both involve punching but one has something at stake and the other does not. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<blockquote>
<strike>Betrayed by Nolan’s omission, Wylie tells him if he wants to
make a difference, he needs to spend time in the trenches instead of selling
food outside a business park. She proves her point, but an asthma attack sends
her to the hospital and illustrates the stark differences between their lives.
Nolan offers to take care of her and pushes her to weigh the allure of his life
against the value of her independence.</strike></blockquote>
<br />
<span style="color: blue;">This is too far in to the book to be in the query.</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">A query should cover just the start of the book.</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">The purpose of a query is to make your reader, in this case me, want to read more. </span><strike><br /></strike></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<div class="MsoNormal">
LOST IN LA is an 80,000-word contemporary romance like </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The Cinderella Deal (Jennifer Crusie) </div>
</blockquote>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: blue;">pubbed in 2011 which makes it too old for an effective comp.</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">Comps need to be recent, within two or three years.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: blue;">Here's the rundown from Amazon on Cinderella Deal</span></div>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Daisy Flattery is a free spirit with a soft spot for strays
and a weakness for a good story. Why else would she agree to the outrageous charade
offered by her buttoned-down workaholic neighbor, Linc Blaise? The history
professor needs a makeshift fiancée to secure his dream job, and Daisy needs a
short-term gig to support her painting career. And so the Cinderella Deal is
born: Daisy will transform herself into Linc’s prim-and-proper fiancée, and at
the stroke of midnight they will part ways, no glass slippers attached. But
something funny happens on their way to make-believe bliss, as a fake
engagement unexpectedly spirals into an actual wedding. Now, with Linc and
Daisy married and under one roof, what started as a game begins to feel
real—and the people who seem so wrong for each other realize they may truly be
just right.</div>
</blockquote>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: blue;">Notice the power balance?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: blue;">He needs her more than she needs him.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: blue;">He's got a LOT more to lose than she does.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: blue;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: blue;">That's what I mean by saying things have changed since Julia found love at the opera.</span></div>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
and Roomies (Christina Lauren). </div>
</blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<div class="MsoNormal">
Marriages of convenience are so<i>...inconvenient. </i><br />
<br />
For months Holland Bakker has invented excuses to descend into the subway
station near her apartment, drawn to the captivating music performed by her
street musician crush. Lacking the nerve to actually <i>talk </i>to the
gorgeous stranger, fate steps in one night in the form of a drunken attacker.
Calvin Mcloughlin rescues her, but quickly disappears when the police start
asking questions.<br />
<br />
Using the only resource she has to pay the brilliant musician back, Holland
gets Calvin an audition with her uncle, Broadway’s hottest musical director.
When the tryout goes better than even Holland could have imagined, Calvin is
set for a great entry into Broadway—until his reason for disappearing earlier
becomes clear: he’s in the country illegally, his student visa having expired
years ago.<br />
<br />
Seeing that her uncle needs Calvin as much as Calvin needs him, a wild idea
takes hold of her. Impulsively, she marries the Irishman, her infatuation a
secret only to him. As their relationship evolves and Calvin becomes the
darling of Broadway—in the middle of the theatrics and the
acting-not-acting—will Holland and Calvin to realize that they both stopped
pretending a long time ago?</div>
</blockquote>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: blue;">Notice the power balance here too?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: blue;">He has the problem, not her.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<div class="MsoNormal">
I have self-published several novels </div>
</blockquote>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: blue;">Put this in your query letter and I will look up those books
on Amazon.</span></div>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<div class="MsoNormal">
and have lived in California.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Thank you for your time and consideration,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Twitter: </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Facebook Page: </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Blog: </div>
</blockquote>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<blockquote>
Goodreads:</blockquote>
<br />
<br />
<span style="color: blue;">Bottom line: the query needs a plot and stakes on the page.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: blue;">Revise, resend.</span></div>
<style>
<!--
/* Font Definitions */
@font-face
{font-family:"Cambria Math";
panose-1:2 4 5 3 5 4 6 3 2 4;
mso-font-charset:0;
mso-generic-font-family:roman;
mso-font-pitch:variable;
mso-font-signature:-536870145 1107305727 0 0 415 0;}
/* Style Definitions */
p.MsoNormal, li.MsoNormal, div.MsoNormal
{mso-style-unhide:no;
mso-style-qformat:yes;
mso-style-parent:"";
margin:0in;
margin-bottom:.0001pt;
mso-pagination:widow-orphan;
font-size:12.0pt;
font-family:"Times New Roman",serif;
mso-fareast-font-family:"Times New Roman";}
.MsoChpDefault
{mso-style-type:export-only;
mso-default-props:yes;
font-family:"Calibri",sans-serif;
mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri;
mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin;
mso-fareast-font-family:Calibri;
mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-latin;
mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri;
mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin;
mso-bidi-font-family:"Times New Roman";
mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-bidi;}
.MsoPapDefault
{mso-style-type:export-only;
text-indent:.5in;
line-height:200%;}
@page WordSection1
{size:8.5in 11.0in;
margin:1.0in 1.0in 1.0in 1.0in;
mso-header-margin:.5in;
mso-footer-margin:.5in;
mso-paper-source:0;}
div.WordSection1
{page:WordSection1;}
</style> Janet Reidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00615380335938685231noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-45074911060000384952019-09-15T12:00:00.000-04:002022-05-27T17:16:36.339-04:00#331<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<div class="MsoNormal">
I have so many questions, but I’ll whittle them down to two.
First, do you think I’m correct in describing this as literary fiction? Second,
some agents I’m interested in querying require bios... but would admitting that
I’m in high school lead them to dismiss my query or my writing? If so, could I
just conveniently leave that bit out? </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Thank you! </div>
</blockquote>
<br />
<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<div class="MsoNormal">
Dear QueryShark, </div>
</blockquote>
<br />
<span style="color: blue;">First of all, this query is 498 words, so it's double the target word count. The first thing we need to do here is start trimming. </span><br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<strike>Anamaria huddles in her family’s barracks with her best
friend Julio. Together, they listen to the sick pattern of gunshots and
radicals’ bodies falling into the dust. The detainment center guards— the
executioners— scare everyone, but she knows she’ll be safe if she does
everything just right. </strike></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<strike><br /></strike></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<strike>Then her childhood ends. </strike></div>
</blockquote>
<span style="color: blue;">When you need to cut, look for set up and backstory.That's often the info you can leave out without any loss of clarity.</span><br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Anamaria is sent to Moonhaven Academy, where her name and
identity are stripped away and replaced. There, she must bleach her skin and
hide her accent until she can pass as the perfect white woman. And Anamaria,
now Anna Clara, knows she is lucky. Had the Academy not accepted her, she would
have become one of the women in red who supposedly cook and clean for white
men. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But everyone knows what they really do, behind closed doors.
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Or, rather, what’s done to them. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
She could still become one of them if she fails.</div>
</blockquote>
<span style="color: blue;">At this point, I'm salivating.</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">I am thinking of editors, I'm plotting submission strategies.</span><br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Anna escapes as her dream-self, Indigo, into a fantasy world
where the rainforest teems with dragons. Not too long ago, her dream-planet was
colonized by the humans who made Earth uninhabitable. They genetically warped
the planet’s indigenous life into creatures designed to serve. Now, one
revolution later, Indigo and her only friend Oak are stuck on opposite sides of
an imminent war between two of the human-created tribes. </div>
</blockquote>
<br />
<span style="color: blue;">What?</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">What just happened here?</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">We were all set for The Handmaid's Tale Redux and along come...dragons??</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">I've stopped salivating cause what you had was strong commercial fiction, and now I'm looking at fantasy. </span><br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Indigo must choose whether to betray Oak and live in safety
with the tribe that took her in, or to leave the tribe and risk her life,
alone, in the rainforest. </div>
</blockquote>
<span style="color: blue;">Yea, but it's all a dream, right? </span><br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<div class="MsoNormal">
Meanwhile, Anna is forced to either abandon her heritage for
the illusion of whiteness, or let herself be given away to any man with a few
dollars to spare. Her heart aches against both. </div>
</blockquote>
<span style="color: blue;">I'm pretty sure she's got a stronger reaction than heart ache here. </span><br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<div class="MsoNormal">
Three years later, Anna finds out she has been married to
Julio, now Julian Taylor. He has changed beyond recognition. </div>
</blockquote>
<span style="color: blue;">Ok, and? </span><br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<div class="MsoNormal">
Ten years later, Anna must make her first autonomous choice.
</div>
</blockquote>
<span style="color: blue;">are we done with the dragons? </span><br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Anna’s former classmate, tiny genius Amalia, is the leader
of an underground organization intended to smuggle women to safety until the
law no longer threatens them. Now Amalia has only days to find her successor
before she is executed for crimes including treason, blackmail, and loving
another woman. She begs Anna to take on her duties when she’s gone. After all,
her wife can’t stand the thought of replacing her, and Anna is the last person
the police would ever suspect. She’s pale, unassuming, well-mannered (at least
in public): the perfect facade. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
</blockquote>
<span style="color: blue;">What does Amalia do that makes her a genius?</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">Why is "tiny" something we need to know about her.</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: blue;">And honestly, I'm so confused here the only reason I'm still reading is that you had a GREAT opening, and I can see possibility. </span><br />
<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<div class="MsoNormal">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
If Anna accepts, she will surely die. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
If she refuses, she will be a traitor to every woman on
Earth.</div>
</blockquote>
<span style="color: blue;">What you're missing here is why she doesn't want to be a traitor to every woman on earth. You're assuming she doesn't. Watching a person struggle with choices, especially ones you might think are no-brainers creates tension, and tension boosts interest.</span><br />
<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
JADE AND INDIGO is just over 90,000 words of literary
fiction, narrated primarily from the perspectives of Anna and Indigo. <strike>I am a
high school student with a deep love for surrealist art, the poems of Sappho,
and musicals. I scavenge for time to write when I’m not juggling AP classes and
horse shows— no flaming swords yet, but maybe someday</strike>. JADE AND INDIGO is my
first novel.</div>
</blockquote>
<span style="color: blue;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: blue;">Well, if this is literary fiction, how are we going to explain the dragons? </span><br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Thank you for your time and consideration!</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Sincerely, </div>
</blockquote>
<span style="color: blue;">I'm not sure how large a part the dragon thing plays in the book, but you're better leaving it OUT of the query. It's utterly confusing.</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: blue;">You can have it in the book (without seeing the book I'm going to assume your reader will understand what's going on) and NOT have it in the query.</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: blue;">Or you can allude to it in the query with Anna escapes into a fantasy world (without going into specifics.)</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: blue;">You've got the start of something I'd read but I'm not sure I've ever seen this big a splat in such a short period of time.</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: blue;">Fortunately, it's all fixable.</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: blue;">I suggest you leave out your age. It's nobody's business how old you aren't.</span><br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<style>
<!--
/* Font Definitions */
@font-face
{font-family:"Cambria Math";
panose-1:2 4 5 3 5 4 6 3 2 4;
mso-font-charset:0;
mso-generic-font-family:roman;
mso-font-pitch:variable;
mso-font-signature:-536870145 1107305727 0 0 415 0;}
@font-face
{font-family:Calibri;
panose-1:2 15 5 2 2 2 4 3 2 4;
mso-font-charset:0;
mso-generic-font-family:swiss;
mso-font-pitch:variable;
mso-font-signature:-536859905 -1073732485 9 0 511 0;}
@font-face
{font-family:Cambria;
panose-1:2 4 5 3 5 4 6 3 2 4;
mso-font-charset:0;
mso-generic-font-family:roman;
mso-font-pitch:variable;
mso-font-signature:-536870145 1073743103 0 0 415 0;}
/* Style Definitions */
p.MsoNormal, li.MsoNormal, div.MsoNormal
{mso-style-unhide:no;
mso-style-qformat:yes;
mso-style-parent:"";
margin:0in;
margin-bottom:.0001pt;
mso-pagination:widow-orphan;
font-size:11.0pt;
font-family:"Cambria",serif;
mso-fareast-font-family:Calibri;
mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-latin;
mso-bidi-font-family:"Times New Roman";
mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-bidi;}
.MsoChpDefault
{mso-style-type:export-only;
mso-default-props:yes;
font-family:"Calibri",sans-serif;
mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri;
mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin;
mso-fareast-font-family:Calibri;
mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-latin;
mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri;
mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin;
mso-bidi-font-family:"Times New Roman";
mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-bidi;}
.MsoPapDefault
{mso-style-type:export-only;
text-indent:.5in;
line-height:200%;}
@page WordSection1
{size:8.5in 11.0in;
margin:1.0in 1.0in 1.0in 1.0in;
mso-header-margin:.5in;
mso-footer-margin:.5in;
mso-paper-source:0;}
div.WordSection1
{page:WordSection1;}
</style> Janet Reidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00615380335938685231noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-87772087871074844692019-09-08T12:00:00.000-04:002022-05-27T17:17:41.262-04:00#330<br />
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
Question:
I do not have much as far as credentials are concerned other than
personal experience driving my story but I do have a large and strong
social media presence. How should I go about this? Have I represented
that aspect well?</blockquote>
<div>
<br /></div>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<div>
Dear QueryShark,</div>
</blockquote>
</div>
<div>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
The
universe was music before it was anything tangible.</blockquote>
<br />
<span style="color: blue;">I love this idea. Whether anyone else will is subjective, but I like it a lot. It's fresh and new (to me at least.) It's not a killer first line, but it does the job: it engages my interest.</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: blue;"><br /></span>
<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
Time was measured
without signature, and worlds formed from the power of boundless melody,
creation in song. Within this crucible of worlds lies Tellure Grand, a
land wide, young, and full with possibility. Here, power is being found
in the notes of destruction.</blockquote>
<br />
<span style="color: blue;">oh splat. That first sentence was easy to read and easy to understand.</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">Now we get<i> time was measured without signature: </i>well, my guess is you mean this:</span><br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjKUYU77zW7-Kb9FexWF-arOGy8YNAGrKKDyf2NBILFBI9XW7sCeUTlAEE4z_zmwB9Q8M1e-VoodV01aqcwUZEr-NWH086eEk4NhTnPetbV3IwKgukFzcPhwMQU1-c1tHYU6jjifi0tg80/s1600/time+signature.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="182" data-original-width="223" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjKUYU77zW7-Kb9FexWF-arOGy8YNAGrKKDyf2NBILFBI9XW7sCeUTlAEE4z_zmwB9Q8M1e-VoodV01aqcwUZEr-NWH086eEk4NhTnPetbV3IwKgukFzcPhwMQU1-c1tHYU6jjifi0tg80/s1600/time+signature.png" /></a></div>
<span style="color: blue;">but unless you have some education in music (versus just listening and enjoying) you may not get the reference.</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="color: blue;">And I don't know what a boundless melody is. Is it like an Unchained Melody?</span><br />
<br />
<br /></div>
<div>
</div>
<iframe allow="accelerometer; autoplay; encrypted-media; gyroscope; picture-in-picture" allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/IYj2hex99gY" width="560"></iframe>
<br />
<div>
<br />
<br />
<span style="color: blue;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: blue;">The last thing you want is the agent trying to parse out what you mean, and get diverted to YouTube and dive down the Dirty Dancing rabbit hole.</span><br />
<br /></div>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<div>
Warsingers.</div>
</blockquote>
<div>
<blockquote>
The
world folds where Warsingers make music. Each striking sword and flying
arrow is accompanied by the strum of a harp or the lilting of an aria.
Minds mold, politics change, and ideologies bend in the wake of such
music. Life tuning to the history they create.The land shaping by those
who wield the ebb and flow of these powerful sonatas.</blockquote>
<span style="color: blue;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: blue;">this is so abstract I have NO idea what you're talking about.</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">That means I've started to lose interest.</span></div>
<div>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
Now
the era turns anew for Tellure Grand and her fledgling civilizations.
Strains of glory hum against the strings, where baritones of
tribulations rise. A young lordling, a foreign man, a blind girl, and a
wild huntress find themselves caught in the orchestrations of a world
steered toward discord. For in the distance a bell tolls, a powerful
noise that resonates with annihilation, striking with insidious fury.
And the gods?</blockquote>
<br />
<span style="color: blue;">And now I'm skimming. </span></div>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<div>
<span style="color: blue;">Gods do not sing; they <i>are</i> the song.</span></div>
</blockquote>
<div>
<blockquote>
<span style="color: blue;">THE
WARSINGER OPUS:(Series) A BREAKING OF BELLS is an adult High Fantasy
manuscript complete at 325,000 words. It is an epic for those that love
The Stormlight Archive by Brandon Sanderson, The Kingkiller Chronicles
by Patrick Rothfuss, and The Wheel of Time by Robert Jordan.</span></blockquote>
<br />
<span style="color: blue;">You don't need me to tell you that 325,000 words is a total deal breaker.</span></div>
<div>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
I
grew up telling stories, comfortable with the attention of a room.</blockquote>
<span style="color: blue;">This is not the selling point you think it is. </span><br />
<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
That
joy only grew as my love for Dungeons & Dragons burgeoned, kindling
a deeper appreciation for worldbuilding and immersion. I market myself
well and have a loyal following of 152,000 followers on the social media
platform Tik Tok where the videos I have made about my book and
worldbuilding have garnered hundreds of thousands of views, tens of
thousands of likes, and thousands of positive comments. A consistent
flow of those followers are transferring to my twitter as well, with
1,250 following on that platform to date. I also boast 950 active
Discord participants that enjoy in public readings of chapters
bi-weekly.</blockquote>
<br />
<span style="color: blue;">Well, that's a platform indeed.</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">And you put the info on how to find you at the end, which is just where it should be.</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">Because this query is an utter mess (right now) if I'd gotten to this part, I'd go check it out because clearly you're doing something right.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: blue;">BUT note that I lost interest, and was skimming after the second paragraph.</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">Don't risk losing an agent's eyeballs.</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">Get the story on the page. </span><br />
<br /></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Thanks you for your time and consideration. <strike>I look forward to hearing from you.</strike></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<strike>E-Mail:</strike> (just put your email address. We know gmail means email)</div>
<div>
<strike>Phone: </strike><span style="color: blue;">(and we know what that pattern of numbers means)</span></div>
<div>
Tik Tok: <span style="color: blue;">(what you had) here is where you DO need the identifier because this isn't as well known to your audience yet.</span><br />
<br /></div>
<div>
<strike>Twitter:</strike> <span style="color: blue;">we know what @ means</span>.<br />
<br />
<br />
<span style="color: blue;">This query doesn't work because<u> I don't know what the book is about. </u></span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: blue;">Here's the PW review of one of your comps, the first Brandon Sanderson book:</span><br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<br />
<span style="color: blue;">This massive tome is the first of a 10-part epic fantasy series from
relative newcomer Sanderson (Mistborn), best known for his efforts to
complete the late Robert Jordan's Wheel of Time series. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: blue;">In a storm-swept
world where history has dwindled into myth, self-serving aristocrats
squabble over mystical weapons that render their bearers immune to
mundane attacks. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: blue;">The ambitious scholar Shallan learns unexpected truths
about the present, the virtuous aristocrat Dalinar reclaims the lost
past, and the bitter and broken slave Kaladin gains unwanted power. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: blue;">Race-related plot themes may raise some eyebrows, and there's no hope
for anything resembling a conclusion in this introductory volume, but
Sanderson's fondness for misleading the reader and his talent for
feeding out revelations and action scenes at just the right pace will
keep epic fantasy fans intrigued and hoping for redemptive future
installments. </span></blockquote>
<br />
<span style="color: blue;">There's not much sense of the plot here, but at least we have an idea of what's going on.</span><br />
<br />
<br />
<span style="color: blue;">Here's the PW review of The Name of the Wind by Patrick Rothfuss (2007)</span><br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<br />
<span style="color: blue;">The originality of Rothfuss's outstanding debut
fantasy, the first of a trilogy, lies less in its unnamed imaginary
world than in its precise execution. </span></blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="color: blue;">Kvothe ("pronounced nearly the same
as 'Quothe' "), the hero and villain of a thousand tales who's presumed
dead, lives as the simple proprietor of the Waystone Inn under an
assumed name. </span></blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="color: blue;">Prompted by a biographer called Chronicler who realizes
his true identity, Kvothe starts to tell his life story. From his
upbringing as an actor in his family's traveling troupe of magicians,
jugglers and jesters, the Edema Ruh, to feral child on the streets of
the vast port city of Tarbean, then his education at "the University,"
Kvothe is driven by twin imperatives—his desire to learn the higher
magic of naming and his need to discover as much as possible about the
Chandrian, the demons of legend who murdered his family. </span></blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="color: blue;">As absorbing on
a second reading as it is on the first, this is the type of assured,
rich first novel most writers can only dream of producing. The fantasy
world has a new star. </span></blockquote>
<br />
<span style="color: blue;"> And again, not much plot but a sense of what the story is.</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: blue;">Both of these books are too old and too successful to be good comps NOW. Generally you need comps that are new (within the last three years) and from authors who haven't sold a gazillion copies. That's a tough challenge, I know, and it drives me crazy too.</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: blue;">Bottom line: even in epic fantasy you have to tell me the story.</span><br />
<br />
<b><span style="color: blue;">Saving grace: That kind of platform can rescue a query that's an utter mess, but it's a risk you don't need to take. A query that tells me the story combined with this platform would be very very strong.</span></b><br />
<br />
<span style="color: blue;">Take another crack at this and tell me the story. </span></div>
Janet Reidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00615380335938685231noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-479939286584749262019-03-24T11:27:00.001-04:002022-05-28T23:03:53.685-04:00#329<blockquote class="tr_bq">
I broke the rules...unapologetically so.<br />
<br />
I rhymed, alliterated, lyricized, used big words, topped it off with an adult narrative. And yes, my word count runneth over. Admittedly, I did it all wrong. Moreover--and perhaps to my own detriment--I firmly maintain that these supposed literary crimes were committed for all the right reasons. The story is better because of these so-called 'flaws', not in spite of them. Now comes the dilemma:<br />
<br />
Can even 'the best query letter ever' not only overcome, but actually upsell the very characteristics that have been deemed genre pitfalls?</blockquote>
<br />
Dear QueryShark:<br />
<br />
Life as I knew it forever changed the day I 'borrowed' that gnome.<br />
<br />
<span style="color: blue;">So, you're a character in the book?</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">Using<i> I</i> in a query for anything other than the biography section is confusing.</span><br />
<br />
What started as a harmless prank, soon backfired into a frenzied search for the missing muffin pan. Three pie servers, a rolling pizza cutter, and countless other 'displacements' later...my tightrope toddle along the brink of madness spiraled into the tongue-twisted tale you are about to read.<br />
<br />
<span style="color: blue;">At this point, I have no idea what kind of book this is.</span><br />
<br />
Some call it 'crazy'. Others call it 'cuckoo'. I prefer to call it: 'clarity'.<br />
<br />
<span style="color: blue;">I call it confusing.</span><br />
<br />
The lost socks, the misplaced keys, when the 'displaced' are 're-placed' in those spots you searched thrice...<br />
<span style="color: blue;"><br />I'm losing my mind here, does that count?</span><br />
<br />
Based on a true story, THE GREAT GNOME COLLECTIVE is a transitional picture storybook of 1250 words. Entertaining meets educational in this lyrical work of modern folklore: a fun read woven through an intricate maze of elevated vocabulary, emphatic punctuation, and eloquent wordplay, all set to complex rhythmic rhyme with a splash of Seussian flair.<br />
<br />
<span style="color: blue;">Never compare yourself or your work to Dr. Seuss. Let other people do that.</span><br />
<br />
I am best known as (nom du plume): mama to one, auntie to seven, and 'grammar nutsy' to the core. This is my authorial debut, though it is my hope and intent to grow THE..COLLECTIVE into a series of gnome adventures.<br />
<span style="color: blue;"><br /><i>Authorial debut </i>sets my teeth on edge.</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">I'm not sure if that's just me.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: blue;">This is your first book. Just say so.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: blue;">Fancy pants writing is best left for dialogue to illustrate hoity toity characters.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: blue;">Miss Bickerstaff perhaps who refers to her serviettes, and would sooner go without food than sit at a table without flowers. She is someone who might use authorial debut.</span><br />
<br />
One minor concession, if I may: THE GREAT GNOME COLLECTIVE must be--and is found most enjoyable when--read aloud...preferably, *with gusto*. Please do not dismiss this request. The gnomes will know.<br />
<br />
<span style="color: blue;">I know you're trying to be whimsical and light hearted here.</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">But <i>please do not dismiss this reques</i>t isn't something agents find funny. Ever.</span><br />
<br />
Thank you for your time & consideration.<br />
<br />
<span style="color: blue;"><br />Form rejection.</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">Why?</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">Because picture book queries include the entire text of the story.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: blue;">You can break all the rules that you want, but if you do not give me what I need to evaluate your work, I'm not going to write back and tell you what you did wrong. I'm going to pass with a form rejection.</span><br />
<br />
<br />
<span style="color: blue;">Your question:</span><br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
Can even 'the best query letter ever' not only overcome, but actually
upsell the very characteristics that have been deemed genre pitfalls?</blockquote>
<span style="color: blue;">You're breaking the wrong rules.</span><br />
<br />
<br />Janet Reidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00615380335938685231noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-32246980928256234322019-01-20T12:00:00.000-05:002022-05-28T23:05:22.160-04:00#328Hello:<br />
<br />
I have written a manuscript “Baked Lunch” and I'm soliciting agents and publishers. <br />
<br />
Brief Synopsis: I have written an update (2018) of the William Burroughs novel Naked Lunch. The manuscript has sex, drugs, and violence, which are clichés, when Burroughs wrote his novel these subjects were more controversial. We live in a more jaded age. The clichés mean that someone could read this manuscript while waiting for a plane in an airport and be reasonably entertained. People have shorter attention spans, we’re more distracted. I simply tried to write something I believe is marketable. Same titles from the same chapters as Burroughs novel, but the content is not the same.<br />
<br />
<span style="color: blue;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: blue;">(list of chapters redacted for space)</span><br />
<br />
William Burroughs original novel was considered unpublishable because essentially it had no plot. The Chapter 22 Hauser and O'Brien did have a narrative arc, but the rest of the book was essentially a stream of consciousness. A better insight into a synopsis of the novel would be David Cronenberg who essentially re-wrote the entire plot in his screenplay when he did a film adaptation of the novel. But the movie did not follow the book at all and neither did I. I wrote the novel because I don’t particularly like Naked Lunch and thought I could do a better job of writing a novel about beat culture than Burroughs did. It’s subjective I admit, but I really gave it my best effort.<br />
<br />
<br />
Bio: I am a retired English teacher who has been working in China for the last 15 years.<br />
<br />
Thanks for your interest. I have had a professional edit the manuscript and I am confident there aren't any major errors in the manuscript. Approximate word count: 100,000. There are graphics in the manuscript.<br />
<span style="color: blue;"><br />You don't get to "update" other people's work and call it your own.</span><span style="color: blue;"><span style="color: blue;">The warranties and indemnities</span> section of a publishing contract requires you warrant that the Work (the book) "is original."</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;"><br />You may think it is; you might even make the case that it is, but that doesn't matter. Any publishing house with something to lose in litigation (ie they have money; they're not running a printing press in their basement) is going to eschew publishing anything remotely like this.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: blue;">And if you think publishing it yourself will solve that problem, the agent representing the Estate of William Burroughs will probably disabuse you of that pretty quickly. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: blue;">And honestly, saying you can do a better job of writing a novel about beat culture that is now considered a classic, no matter what people thought of it when published, is an assessment better left to reviewers. </span><br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />Janet Reidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00615380335938685231noreply@blogger.com24tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-27409028778199319172018-12-02T12:00:00.000-05:002022-05-28T23:07:01.632-04:00#327Dear Query Shark, <br />
<br />
MOB TREASURE is the story of Joseph, a recent New Jersey college grad, who discovers his recently deceased grandfather was a Mafia boss—and has millions of dollars hidden somewhere in Miami Beach. <br />
<br />
<span style="color: blue;">So, is Joseph dimwitted? Cause I knew what my Gramps did for a living starting around age 6. Or, perhaps he was estranged from that side of the family? Or maybe everyone in the family never said what Grandpa did; he was just the old guy down in Dade County who smoked cigars and played canasta pool side.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: blue;">The point here is that we need to understand why something that would seem to be obvious, comes as a big surprise.</span><br />
<br />
<br />
Joseph never knew about his grandfather’s former life in the mob, but now, armed with clues scribbled in the margins of a copy of Treasure Island – the book his grandfather read to him most often as a kid – it’s up to him to recover the hidden millions. But he’s not the only one looking.<br />
<br />
<span style="color: blue;">So Gramps leaves clues in a book. Why? </span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">Is it to keep the dough out of the hands of his other relatives?</span><br />
<br />
Along with his best friend—and a crafty Art Deco tour guide—they embark on an adventure tour of the beautiful Art Deco hotels and mansions of Miami Beach’s Historic District. Hot on his heels are the mob, who claim the hidden money is theirs.<br />
<br />
<br />
<span style="color: blue;">What does the sidekick bring to the plot? Why are they touring hotels and mansions?</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">I assume it's because the clues lead them to these places, but honestly, this is not a middle grade mystery. Following a trail of treasure needs a level of sophistication here to make it interesting.</span><br />
<br />
<br />
Entering a world of danger, mobsters, hidden casinos, secret rooms, underworld drama, and even a pirate or two, danger follows around every corner. Joseph and his posse grow more and more determined to beat the mob at their own game, finally uncovering a treasure that means more to him than money ever could. <br />
<br />
<span style="color: blue;">This is a laundry list, not a plot.</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">The treasure isn't money? You told us the mob, claiming <i>the money</i> is theirs, was hot on their heels.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: blue;"></span><br />
MOB TREASURE (78,000 words) is commercial fiction imbued with the mysteries of historic Miami—the mob boss version of The Da Vinci Code and reminiscent of the National Treasure series. It’s partially inspired by the life of Meyer Lansky, the “Mob’s Accountant,” who is rumored to have hidden over $300 million before he died. <br />
<br />
<br />
I’ve lived in Miami Beach for over 20 years and have written for local publications on the arts, history and nightlife of the region. For the past five years, I’ve also been working as a tour guide in the Art Deco District of Miami Beach and have fallen in love with the beautifully restored buildings and the rich mob history, which inspired the story for this book. <br />
<br />
Thank you for your time and consideration, <br />
<br />
<br />
<span style="color: blue;">There's nothing surprising here.</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">There's no twist on a trope, or a stock character given a fresh perspective.</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;"><br /></span><span style="color: blue;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: blue;">When I look for books to take on, it's essential there be some sort of suspense. Suspense comes from choices the main character makes, and what's at stake.</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: blue;">All that is missing here. </span><br />
<span style="color: blue;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: blue;">If Joseph doesn't find the treasure, there's nothing to indicate the world will fall apart either literally or metaphorically.</span><br />
<br />
<br />Janet Reidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00615380335938685231noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-42006148276080601112018-11-25T12:00:00.000-05:002022-05-28T23:08:24.137-04:00#326<br />
<br />
Question: <br />
<br />
My ex killed herself in 2017. Writing this novel was my way of grieving. Now, I guess it’s my tribute to her. That’s why the impact of suicide plays such a huge role in the book. I’m not trying to be preachy or political or anything. I just wanted to tell a story where the main characters needed to come to terms with the things they could not change. Is there a good way to say this in the query, or is it best left out?<br />
<br />
Dear Query Shark,<br />
<br />
All he wants for Christmas is his timeline back.<br />
<br />
Journalist Gavin Masters spends his days on ride-alongs with Deputy Vikki Valliant. She keeps the peace in Bordertown, where ghosts and monsters have sanctuary from the outside world. They’re mostly friendly, and mostly harmless. Mostly. So Vikki says. Gavin’s not just doing this because he’s secretly infatuated with her. Or so he says.<br />
<br />
Dispatch issues an APB: Santa is missing. His elves last saw him leaving The North Pole--the strip club, not the Arctic. Hopefully he’s merely passed out drunk somewhere in the surrounding Mourningwood. And not some monster’s meal.<br />
<span style="color: blue;"><br />Santa and monsters sounds like a graphic novel concept. Is there a specific reason you need Santa? What is it about him specifically that's required for the plot.</span><span style="color: blue;"><br />Santa is a big footprint in a story. You've also got a lot of other things going on here. Too much plot will kill a story as quickly as too little. </span><br />
<br />
Gavin gets separated from Vikki, and lost in the woods. He’s beckoned by a cry for help from his ex. There’s just one problem; she killed herself last year.<br />
<br />
Turns out she’s not his ex. She’s Nimue, an ancient witch who lures victims by mimicking loved ones. She needs his soul--and Santa’s, once he wakes up--to power a magic gemstone she calls ‘Traumesser.’ She needs to ‘fix’ her ‘timeline.’ And for what it’s worth, she’s sorry.<br />
<br />
But Nimue doesn’t anticipate one thing. Gavin is a time fey--albeit an inexperienced one--with just enough juice to freeze time for 30 seconds, abscond with her precious stone, and save Santa.<br />
<br />
Once they’re home safe, Gavin discovers that Traumesser lets him relive his past. Now he can prevent the car accident that killed his mom and crippled his teenaged sister. He can stop the murder of Vikki’s fiancé--even if he maybe wants Vikki for himself. It’ll all be worth it, if he can just convince his ex that her life is worth living.<br />
<br />
Just as Gavin will do anything to save his loved ones, Nimue will do anything to get Traumesser back. And she has the power to make Bordertonians see things--terrible things--compelling them to commit suicide.<br />
<br />
Gavin learns that messing with the past has unpredictable consequences. Each use of Traumesser only makes things worse. He catches himself making excuses, and worse, lying to Vikki. And nothing ever seems to save his ex. He wonders if it’s not too late to take it all back. He’s haunted by how much he sounds like Nimue when he says: “I’m sorry; I need to fix my timeline.”<br />
<br />
A CHRISTMAS PERIL is a 110,000-word <strike>New Adult</strike> Urban Fantasy. It’s the genre-mashing melodrama of Supernatural with the dark humor and tone of The Dresden Files.<br />
<span style="color: blue;"><br />You're better off leaving out New Adult. The term is so amorphous it doesn't help at the query stage to use it. </span><br />
<br />
<br />
<strike>About the author: </strike>I won 2nd prize in the 2015 3-Day Novel Contest for a 40,000-word novella titled ‘Bordertown.’ It had the same main characters and setting, but told a completely separate story. My goal is to grow this as a series.<br />
<br />
<br />
Thank you for your time and consideration.<br />
<br />
<br />
<span style="color: blue;">There is way too much going on here. Pare down. Give us the main points. Reconsider Santa as a character. What happens to Vikki? She seems to fall out of the story after just one mention. Because she's mentioned by name in the first paragraph, I assumed she was important. <br /><br />To answer your question: there are a lot of deeply personal reasons to write a novel. Leave all of them out of the query.Why you wrote it is immaterial because the story must work independently of its origin.<br /><br /><br /> I will not request pages just because my heart goes out to you. Losing someone in that way changes you forever. It enrages me there is not more help to people in the throes of mental illness, and that mental illness is often treated like some sort of bad life choice.<br /><br /><br /> There will be ways to honor your ex's life later on. Donating part of the proceeds from the book to mental health advocacy groups is one. Just talking about the reason you wrote this book in interviews is another. All of that comes later. First things first: entice me to read the book.</span>Janet Reidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00615380335938685231noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-12885608246476181172018-11-18T12:00:00.000-05:002022-05-28T23:09:48.076-04:00#325QUESTION: I hired two editors to help revise this query. So far, I've only received personal or form rejections from agents. I've read many blogs and books about how to write queries, often with conflicting information about what to include. At this point, I no longer feel like I have good perspective. What do you feel is lacking in this query? Do you recommend ending with a more personal or passionate closing?<br />
<br />
PS: I read #303, re: your feelings about strip clubs<br />
<br />
<br />
Dear Query Shark,<br />
<br />
When overdose victims flood Portland’s morgue, 32-year-old Rebecca Perell discovers the deaths aren’t all accidents, and she may be next. <br />
<span style="color: blue;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: blue;">Is it important to know Rebecca is 32?</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">It's probably more important to know why she's in the morgue.</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">Is she a medical examiner? Lab tech? Groupie? Ghost?</span><br />
<br />
Thanks to a felony drug conviction straight out of high school, Rebecca is forced to work in one of Portland’s dodgiest strip clubs, a methpocalypse of prostitution and violence. But her troubles soon turn deadly when Rebecca finds out her stepbrother, Dylan, is grooming her son to be a dealer. <br />
<br />
<span style="color: blue;">Wait, what?</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">She's a stripper?</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">I thought she worked in the morgue? That first paragraph is now very confusing.</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: blue;">Also, you've now got a bunch of characters I'm not all that eager to spend time with. There's nothing interesting here. It's actually kind of icky.</span><br />
<br />
Dylan will stop at nothing to destroy her. Killing strangers for fun is her stepbrother's hobby, but his obsession is making Rebecca’s life a living hell. Once she figures out what Dylan is up to, she must make a decision: risk her life and family by confronting him or run away. And if she runs, will her loved ones ever be safe?<br />
<br />
<span style="color: blue;">It hasn't occurred to her to kill Dylan? That's the first thing that occurred to me.</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">He's making her life a living hell and he kills people for fun.</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">It's not like it's that hard to lay your hands on a gun in Portland and learn to shoot.</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: blue;">Given the choice between protecting my child from a guy who kills people for fun, and ..well, everyone else in the world, I choose my kid. I'd choose your kid too. Or any kid.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: blue;">When you set up choices for the main character, you really need to make them feel real. My guess is most people would consider killing Dylan, but would be afraid of getting caught. Rebecca would be afraid of getting caught and leaving her son alone if she was sent to prison. So, if she can't kill him, what is she going to do?</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: blue;">"confronting him" doesn't convey much either. Is she going to yell at him? Threaten him?</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: blue;">And where's the kid in all this? Does he WANT to become a drug dealer? The money, the sense of being a grownup, would both be appealing. Rebecca may have to deal with her kid not wanting to have Dylan gone.</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: blue;">All of this is detail, specific detail, and it is in the details that your characters come alive and their choices are clear.</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: blue;">Right now you don't have that.</span><br />
<br />
<br />
LETHAL STEP, a completed 88,000-word psychological suspense novel is darkly atmospheric like Alan Cubbitt’s BBC series The Fall, and it features a blue-collar heroine struggling for moral redemption in the age-old battle of good and evil like Emma Flint's suspenseful Little Deaths.<br />
<br />
<span style="color: blue;">You're comparing Gillian Anderson's character on The Fall to a stripper?</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">Maybe we're watching a different version.</span><br />
<br />
<br />
While Lethal Step is fiction, the background for this novel is real: I worked as a bartender in a strip club. I’ve studied writing at a number of institutions including UC Berkeley, and one of my short stories will be published by (these guys) in 2019. Thank you for your time and consideration.<br />
<br />
<span style="color: blue;">oh wait, you meant that Rebecca is a bartender, not a stripper? If I don't figure that out till your bio section, that's a problem. I assumed that "work in a strip club" meant she was a stripper, and I'll bet all these dollar bills in my g-string that the other agents who read this assumed that too.</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: blue;">You've made the classic mistake here of creating a villain who's two-dimensional and thus uninteresting. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: blue;">I get no sense here of darkly atmospheric. It feels seedy with no redemptive qualities at all.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: blue;">To answer your question: don't worry about the closing. The entire query needs revising.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: blue;">Bottom line: be specific about the choices Rebecca faces. Make Dylan a three dimensional, thus frightening, antagonist. </span>Janet Reidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00615380335938685231noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812909700950069050.post-29048576433807102082018-11-11T12:00:00.001-05:002022-05-28T23:11:12.935-04:00#324Questions: <br />
<br />
1) I know Shark Rules state housekeeping goes at the end. And I know my first paragraph goes completely against that. But it seems to be exactly what this particular agent is asking for on their website. And I know they're looking for thrillers. Should I still follow Shark Rules? <br />
<br />
<br />
2) A friend who directed an Oscar-nominated movie has suggested I query this agent. The movie was adapted from a book by an author who is repped by this agent. A lot of the agent's clients have had their books made into movies and apparently that's important to them. My friend is up for helping me adapt my novel into a screenplay. Does that carry any weight? Does anyone give a rat's behind?<br />
<br />
Dear Query Shark:<br />
<br />
(Movie director), screenwriter and director of (Oscar-nominated movie), suggested I query you since you represent (author whose book was made into the movie). <strike>SEA BLADE is a 98,000-word adult thriller. It is the first book in a planned series. The main character is a man of color I would describe as James Bond meets Indiana Jones. As a former (military) office</strike>r, <strike>I think you'll like the concept</strike>.<br />
<br />
<span style="color: blue;">Never tell an agent what you think they'll like.</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">It's like saying "this is funny" before telling a joke.</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">Half the fun for us is the sense of discovery.</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: blue;">It's one thing to mention the connection you have to the agent in the first paragraph. Don't go overboard by putting all that other info there as well.</span><br />
<br />
It was supposed to be a routine job for Jet Morgan and his ex-girlfriend Maggie. Recover a Mayan artifact that holds the key to a billion dollars in gold from a pyramid in Belize. Then smuggle it past the drug dealers into Panama. But then <strike>Nathaniel Lynch</strike>, Jet's old boss, <span style="color: blue;">Nathaniel Lynch</span>, at the CIA, shows up. Things rocket from routine to insane in 2.9 seconds. And Jet and Maggie are thrust into an international incident - China's imminent invasion of Taiwan.<br />
<br />
<span style="color: blue;">If you put the name Nathaniel Lynch first, we don't know who he his. </span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">If you let us know he's Jet's old boss FIRST, then, it has a connection to what we've read, and it makes sense. This is flow. It's making sure your reader doesn't stop and think "huh?" </span><br />
<span style="color: blue;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: blue;">I hate artifact-driven plots with a passion, but that's just me.</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">(I did manage to watch all the Indiana Jones movies without any trouble at all.)</span><br />
<br />
Lynch stole Ultra Top Secret U.S. naval plans for Sea Blade, an unprecedented new class of submarine, and sold them to Taiwan. Now he needs Jet, once the CIA's top covert operative, to steal them back and stop the invasion. And to skip the 'being killed for treason' part, he'll need the artifact to personally finance the unsanctioned mission.<br />
<br />
<span style="color: blue;">Well, this is actually a rather good use for an artifact. </span><br />
<br />
<strike>But Jet's no longer a spy. He steals Mesoamerican antiquities now, not secrets. So Lynch desperately offers up his new business partner Ricardo Lopez, the reclusive Mexican billionaire who murdered Jet's wife and child, to lure him back in.<br /><br /><br />The mere thought of killing Lopez calls to Jet like a needle to the vein calls to a trembling junkie. But pulling the trigger on that fix could backfire on him. Helping a traitor like Lynch is suicide.</strike> <strike>He</strike> Jet and Maggie will be dodging CIA assassins the second Lynch gets what he wants. But if Jet doesn't help, the unthinkable will happen - war with China.<br />
<br />
<span style="color: blue;">It's very easy to throw too much into a query.</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">You only need to entice me read the pages, not tell me about all of the plot points in Act One. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: blue;">Put the word count, and other housekeeping items here.</span><br />
<br />
<strike>With my science backgroun</strike>d, I was compelled to do proper
research. In the process, I was shot at in Mexico, got hammered in Key
West, dove with sharks and climbed pyramids in Belize, and fell in love
with Panama.<br />
<strike>I'm a chiropractor who now cracks creative-writing books. </strike>I studied writing at the Iowa Writers' Workshop and with Bret Anthony Johnston, <strike>internationally bestselling author and former Director of Creative Writing at Harvard University.</strike> Bret is up for providing a blurb, and (movie director) is up for helping me adapt SEA BLADE into a screenplay. <strike>With my science background, I was compelled to do proper
research. In the process, I was shot at in Mexico, got hammered in Key
West, dove with sharks and climbed pyramids in Belize, and fell in love
with Panama.</strike><br />
<br />
<span style="color: blue;">Start with the interesting stuff.</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">You don't need the creds for your blurbers. If I know them, I already know it. If I don't I google. </span><br />
<br />
Thank you for your time and consideration.<br />
<br />
<span style="color: blue;">You can break the rules all you want, but it helps to understand WHY they are rules first. Putting the housekeeping stuff at the end is a rule because it forces you to put the story first.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: blue;">Thus, putting something ahead of the story is ok, but you know to keep it to a minimum; just the info that will boost your chances of the agent reading the query. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: blue;">Early interest from someone about the screenplay is great, but you're querying an agent about selling a book. "Interest from Hollywood" doesn't help sell a book; we know how nebulous that is. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: blue;">"Optioned for film" is better, and "started principal photography yesterday" better yet. In other words, the closer you are to actually getting something made, the more it will help. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: blue;">Right now it's all hot air. The reason you DON'T include it is that if you do, an agent is likely to think you don't understand how nebulous it is. </span><br />
<br />Janet Reidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00615380335938685231noreply@blogger.com7