#80

Dear Query Shark:

Having found writers like X and Y on your list of authors, I hope you'll consider the mystery I Don't Do Windows for representation.

Having found writers is a terrible start. Short, declarative sentences: I hope you'll consider (title) for representation. I'm querying because you represent X and Y.

While I've redacted the two names here, let me take this opportunity to stand on my soapbox about "because you represent so-and-so you'll be interested in me."

First, get the names right. I don't represent anyone named Y. I'm guessing it's a typing mistake but still, this is something to triple check.

I also don't represent X anymore, and X hasn't been on my list of clients for more than two years. That's sloppy research. It's a fact of agency life that clients come and go, but if I haven't sold anything for an author in two plus years, that person is NOT the best choice for a comparison. My recent sales are on my website; most are listed at Publishers Marketplace. THOSE are the ones to use for comparison.

None of that really matters though. I overlook all of it because I don't really give a rodent's rear end about why you query. Some agents do though, so don't mess this up by being careless.

I Don’t Do Windows continues the popular tradition of smart-mouthed female sleuths(period) , but Kay Brushett has no intention of spending nights eating in her car, checking out suspicious noises in dark basements, or peering through windows.

Topic sentences that run for three lines are too long. This is the place for punchy, attention getting concise prose. You'd do well to ditch this and start here:

Brushett inherited her agency and quickly discovered she was totally unsuited to traditional private investigations. Instead, this detective is a child of the digital age. Dragged into a murder investigation that started as a simple domestic surveillance of a cheating husband, Brushett faces increasingly immediate danger when she accidently records proof of earlier murders. Unfortunately for Brushett, not all of her digital tactics fit neatly within the law, alienating her from local law enforcement just when she could most use their co-operation. Her fears for her own safety will resonate with readers -- and send her back to the illegal, but, necessary tools that may keep her ahead of a smart killer.

This doesn't hold together logically. She doesn't want to peer into windows etc paired with accidentally records don't match. And what "digital tactics" do you mean? Recording? She could be carrying around a reel to reel tape recorder in her panties from that phrase. Be specific.

Her fears for her own safety will resonate with readers--what? That's called suspense, and it's part and parcel of any good crime novel. Saying your main character faces danger is like saying the words are written in English; obvious to the point that by mentioning it you beg for a sardonic and sarcastic response. This is NOT what you want here.

Not only a complete 95,000 word novel to appeal to fans of the cozy and lighter procedurals, I Don’t Do Windows is every woman’s DIY guide to finding out what her guy really does when he’s not with her!

This is meant to be funny I'm sure, but it misses the mark.

Procedurals usually mean police procedurals and a police officer is the main character. That's not what you described earlier.

While I Don't Do Windows is a first mystery, my published non-fiction includes pop culture titles (redacted but quite extensive). My day job is contributing writer / editor / publisher of (redacted) which was started from scratch in 2000 and enjoys a loyal readership.

Thank you for your time and consideration! (I see my campaign to make this the correct closing on all query letters is working. Excellent!)

Sincerely

The writing is enough to make me say no even if there was a more compelling description of the plot. Most agents see ONLY your query letter so you've GOT to make it energetic and enticing. No ass-backwards sentence constructions unless you really mean it (ie having found writers like X and Y on your list; not only a complete novel). Subject, verb, clause. There's a lot to be said for plain, simple, elegant writing.

Form rejection.